Category: Family & Parenting

Election year is here, and from now until November, politics will infiltrate everything from yard signs and commercials to TikToks and Instagram posts. 

As adults, we may be prepared for the onslaught of electrically charged insults and accusations from both sides–or, at the very least, we’re used to it. 

But we can’t expect our kids to be oblivious to the media blitz. Or, unaffected by it. 

So, when the country is awash with opposing views, how do we talk to our children about politics and set an example of civility–especially when politicians themselves are often the ones acting like kids? 

Read on for answers to commonly asked questions and some helpful DOs and DON’Ts… 

How Much Do We Share or Shield Our Kids From in Politics?

Politics, in its most general sense, is a safe subject to discuss with kids. Imparting the importance of voting for what we believe in is essential for a healthy democracy. 

But what is too much? Where do we draw the line between what our kids should and shouldn’t be politically exposed to? 

To protect kids from confusion and angst surrounding politics, it’s important to follow a few communication ground rules with them. 

1. No Name-Calling or Demonizing the Other Side 

The goal is to teach our kids to have a healthy “tolerance for disagreement”–that is, the ability to engage with people who have a different opinion or worldview from their own without becoming defensive or angry. Adopting this attitude of acceptance will guide them through conflict and disagreements the rest of their lives. 

But with politics so polarizing, it’s commonplace to call the other side “crazy” or “extreme.” But the reality is complicated. And because most kids have family members with different political views, they need to understand that both sides deserve equal consideration and respect.   

Not only is demonizing the other side disrespectful, but it can create stress and even fear in children. They may experience anxiety when parents use hyperboles or ultra-negative expressions about what will happen if an opposing candidate wins, for instance. (i.e. “There’s no hope for America if that happens!” or “I’ll move to a different country if they win the election!“)

Name-calling and disparaging the other side also teaches kids that it’s okay to judge and criticize others–as opposed to listening and considering alternative views. 

2. Don’t Say Anything You Wouldn’t Want Repeated to the Teacher

Remember that kids are like parrots and they will likely repeat what you say! If your comments about politicians or hot-button issues would be inappropriate for your child to repeat to the principal or your neighbor, your language is likely too incendiary to use in their presence.   

While it’s normal to harbor strong political feelings, our kids need to know that no politician is 100% “right” or 100% “wrong.” And again, extreme language helps fuel the idea that one side is to be villainized. 

Regardless of our points of view, if we reinforce the importance of intellectual curiosity and keeping an open mind, our kids will understand that garnering facts and evidence is the best way to make informed decisions.

3. Open Your Mind to Their Open Mind

Analysis tells us that your worldview will likely become your child’s worldview. Pew Research surveyed teens and their families, and in the vast majority of cases, the teens classified themselves as belonging to the same political party as their parents.

It makes sense that young people look to their parents for anchoring in their values, and it’s also natural to hope your child will adopt the same political beliefs you hold dear. 

But, it’s equally important to allow kids room to form their own conclusions. Their convictions, if individually vetted, will be more sincere and strengthen their independence. 

If your child does land on opposing beliefs, you can applaud yourself for raising a child confident enough to make their own choices. (And, if you’ve been encouraging self-made decisions, you know they haven’t reached their opposing conclusions out of rebellion or spite!)

Talking About Politics–Every Age and Stage 

Elementary-Aged Kids

Five to twelve is the perfect age range to talk to kids about the basics of voting and democracy. Their school curriculum is likely already covering the different branches of government and, of course, famous American presidents. 

At this age, your kids probably don’t understand detailed policy issues, so it’s a good time to keep explanations simple. It’s also a great opportunity to point out the character traits you admire in candidates. Phrases like “she’s a good leader” or “he’s good at bringing people together” teach kids that certain traits are more ideal than others. 

The most important message to convey at this time, however, is that it’s perfectly fine for people to support different candidates–in fact, it’s an essential part of what makes our country so strong! Keep in mind that misinformation can run high on the school yard, so ask if your child has heard anything about politics or political issues. Then, turn to news sources designed for kids, like Time for Kids, Scholastic Kids Press Corps, and Nightly News Kids Edition with Lester Holt, to break down the issues in age-appropriate terms (while avoiding issues you may not want them exposed to quite yet.)

Middle School 

Around early adolescence, kids are generally mature enough to start watching debates with you and research candidates’ views via credible news sources.  

Around this time, politics may become a topic of conversation among your child’s peers. If those conversations become heated, it’s helpful to arm your child with a “comeback line” they can use to defuse tension–something like, “It’s cool if we don’t always like the same thing–life would be boring if we didn’t have choices.“ It’s the same type of language that would shut down a bullying taunt, because it refuses to engage. 

It’s also important to teach kids that they don’t have to engage in political debates if they don’t want to. Political opinions are something they have a right to keep private if they choose. After all, isn’t that why we vote privately in a voting booth?

High School   

By the time kids enter high school, they’re getting closer to voting age. Now is the time to keep them engaged in the entirety of the election process. Encourage them to watch debates, monitor polls, and follow candidates from both parties on trusted sources. (Remind them that social media isn’t always a reliable source of news, and to be careful what they share.) 

Most crucially, though, is to empower your kids to think outside party lines and research the issues that matter most to them. It could be the environment, a strong economy, or school safety…but the more passionate they are about the issues, the easier it will be to get them involved and to objectively scrutinize the information surrounding those issues. 

When Parents Are On Different Sides of the Political Aisle

If you and your partner have different political opinions, you are not alone! The great thing for your kids to see is that despite your different political views, you are choosing to be in a relationship with one another. It further affirms the fact that you can love anyone from the other side of the political spectrum. Your marriage/relationship alone proves this point and exemplifies a healthy tolerance for disagreement.

If you are divorced from your child’s other parent, it’s once again important not to demonize any difference in opinion. Respect for, or at least impartiality to their contrasting opinions, is key. 

Above all, we don’t want kids to feel pressure to choose a side. Instead, we want to give kids permission to make up their own minds by encouraging them to learn everything they can about the political platforms. 

There’s a reason the voting age is 18 and not 13, right? Kids don’t have to have it all figured out just yet. Focus on the education process, the power of an informed democracy, and helping them engage in an age-appropriate way. 

Insert 2nd Video – Amy on Politics

YIKES!! When Kids Ask About Political Issues That You Aren’t Comfortable Talking About

Research shows that kids as young as five usually know about current events; but they get a fair amount of the information wrong. In addition, most kids ages 11-12 have a smartphone, so they’re most likely accessing the internet outside your home. 

When your child raises a topic that makes you squirm…it’s important to first

find out what your child already knows about that issue. Ask open-ended questions like “What have you heard about this topic” or “Do you know what that word means?”

Be as factual as possible and keep things age-appropriate. This may mean leaving out certain unnecessary details while maintaining transparency. 

Remember, even though it’s uncomfortable, it’s best that kids learn about issues from you so you can convey accurate information in-line with your family values. The longer we wait to have these conversations, the likelier they’ll hear about politics in a convoluted, misinformed way.  

When Politicians Verbally Attack Each Other (and Blatantly Lie)

Sometimes, it can be downright difficult to find characteristics in politicians we admire. 

We wouldn’t want our kids behaving on the playground the way many candidates typically do: demeaning each other, interrupting, name-calling. 

This goes back to the fact the politicians are never 100% wrong or right. They are imperfect humans. 

These are scenarios we can use to prompt thoughtful questions, like, “How do you feel watching that? How would you feel if you were on the receiving end of that? Does that make you feel differently about this candidate?“

These questions encourage kids to, once again, think for themselves rather than rely on our responses to determine their own beliefs.

We can also reiterate that actions have consequences–sometimes when candidates behave badly, it affects the way people perceive them and can ultimately affect the outcome of the election. (It seems that even the worst modeling by adults can provide helpful teaching moments!)

We can also help kids understand they don’t have to take everything they hear at face value. This can be a hard concept, especially when younger kids take everything literally. 

Most news sites offer a fact-checking analysis after the debates. If you and your kids are skeptical about something, guide them through gathering research from multiple reputable sites so they can determine what is fact versus spin. 

Final Thoughts

There is a lot of political noise out there. But siphoning it down to something intelligible–and informative–for our kiddos is far from an impossible task.

There isn’t a golden script that works for every family, but if you’re balancing accurate information with your family’s values (through open, age-appropriate political discussions), you’re providing ethical guidance without mandating what your kids should believe. It’s a winning combo.

As loving parents, all we can really do is give our kids the confidence and competence to carry our country forward.

In the end, we must remember this is a democracy. Our kids can pick any side. Or no side at all. Or invent a new political party! It’s their choice.

America is their future far more than it is ours. 

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Oh boy, do I have stories to tell you about terrible divorce lawyers. I have so many friends who have been through divorce and they got so screwed over because of the ineptitude of their lawyers. In many cases, it is because these lawyers were from legal aid, since they couldn’t afford their own lawyer. But lets say you need to get divorced, and you have the money to pay for a good lawyer, to help you start off this next chapter of your life on the best foot possible. How do you even know what to look for? Here’s how you might want to get started.

Did you know that the industry for family law and divorce attorneys increased by 1.4% in 2023 and is now about 58,087? When planning for a divorce, it is equally important to be mindful when selecting the right attorney for your situation.

One person’s choice of family lawyer could not coincide with another’s, and what works for one couple may not work for another. A good divorce lawyer would tailor their approach to suit your individual needs and objectives.

To help you choose the best family law attorney near you to fulfill your requirements and protect your interests during this trying time, we will discuss these five crucial steps in this article.

The Law Offices of Hollie A. Lemkin stated that to effectively treat divorce correctly and thoughtfully, don’t associate stress, pain, and trauma. Take a moment to reflect on your priorities, whether it’s child custody, asset division, or spousal support.

Understanding your objectives will help you communicate effectively with your lawyer and ensure they can best represent your interests. Take into account the intricacy of your situation. Are there any substantial assets involved? Are you expecting a potentially difficult custody dispute? These factors will impact the type of lawyer you require.

Take a moment to consider your preferred method of communication. Do you like a lawyer who keeps you informed regularly, or are you okay with a more hands-off approach?

Consider your financial resources. Legal fees can add up quickly, so be clear about what you can afford. Being truthful with yourself about your needs and goals will lay the groundwork for a successful partnership with your divorce lawyer.

Research Potential Lawyers


Before selecting a divorce lawyer, start by researching potential candidates who specialize in the areas relevant to your case. Begin by looking for lawyers who’ve experience handling divorce cases similar to yours. Check online platforms such as legal directories, law firm websites, and reviews to gather information about the lawyers’ backgrounds, expertise, and client feedback. Pay attention to any disciplinary actions or complaints filed against them.

Consider seeking recommendations from friends, family, or other professionals who’ve gone through a divorce. Personal referrals can provide valuable insights into a lawyer’s reputation, communication style, and success rate.

Once you have a list of potential lawyers, conduct thorough research on each candidate. Verify their credentials, years of experience, and track record in handling divorce cases.

Schedule Consultations


When scheduling consultations with potential divorce lawyers, aim to gather essential information about their approach, fees, and availability. This initial meeting is crucial in determining if the lawyer is the right fit for your needs.

Begin by contacting the lawyer’s office and setting up a consultation at a convenient time. Be prepared with a list of questions to ask during the meeting, focusing on their experience with divorce cases, their approach to handling your specific situation, and how they communicate with clients.

During the consultation, take note of how comfortable you feel with the lawyer. Consider their communication style, whether they listen to your concerns, and if they provide clear explanations. Discuss their fee structure and payment plans to ensure they align with your budget. Inquire too about their availability and responsiveness to client inquiries.

Evaluate Experience and Compatibility


To determine the best divorce lawyer for your case, consider evaluating their experience and compatibility with your needs. Look into how long the lawyer has been practicing family law and handling divorce cases. Experience matters in navigating the complexities of divorce proceedings and ensuring the best possible outcome for you. A lawyer who’s dealt with cases similar to yours may be better equipped to understand your specific situation and provide tailored advice.

Compatability is also crucial. During consultations, pay attention to how well you communicate with the lawyer. You should feel comfortable discussing personal matters with them and confident in their ability to represent you. Consider their approach to handling cases and whether it aligns with your goals and preferences. A good lawyer-client relationship is built on trust, understanding, and effective communication.

Choosing a divorce lawyer with the right experience and compatibility can greatly impact the success of your case and your overall experience during this challenging time.

Make an Informed Decision


Consider thoroughly researching and comparing multiple divorce lawyers before making your final decision. Look beyond just online reviews; ask for recommendations from friends or family who’ve gone through a divorce. Meet with potential lawyers for initial consultations to get a feel for their communication style, expertise, and how comfortable you’re working with them. Trust your instincts during these meetings; if something feels off, it’s okay to move on and continue your search.

When comparing lawyers, pay attention to their experience with cases similar to yours, their track record of success, and their approach to handling divorce proceedings. Inquire about their availability and how they prefer to communicate with clients. Transparency and clear communication are key to a successful attorney-client relationship during such a sensitive time.

Remember to discuss fees upfront and ensure you understand the payment structure. Some lawyers may offer a free initial consultation or a flat fee for certain services. By making an informed decision based on thorough research and careful consideration, you can feel more confident in selecting a divorce lawyer who’ll best represent your interests.

Conclusion


Overall, by following these 5 steps, you can choose the right attorney for your case. Remember to assess your goals, research potential lawyers, schedule consultations, evaluate experience and compatibility, and make an informed decision.

Schools can do so much for a child’s mental state. A good environment at school, with the right teachers who believe in them and treat them well, not to mention the right social scene, can build up a child and make a difference for their entire life. Conversely, with teachers who do problematic things, or don’t know how to handle social situations correctly, school can cause lasting trauma in someone’s lives. With so much at stake, let’s learn more about how we can help make sure that school is a place that enhances a kid’s mental and physical wellbeing.

In recent years, stress-related mental health issues have become a major barrier to learning – but why is this happening and how can schools promote student wellbeing?

The number of students affected by mental health conditions is rising, with an NHS survey revealing one in eight 5-19 year olds in England had a diagnosable condition in 2017. In a nationwide Primary Schools survey, 66% of parents reported their child regularly feels anxious about school. International School students face additional stress from adapting to new cultures. Increasing exam demands and modern school environments heighten this anxiety.

Schools must evaluate their wellbeing procedures, but with limited resources and numerous students, staff are under significant pressure to meet safeguarding requirements and provide quality educational experiences.

Prioritizing a child’s mental health and wellbeing can enhance their ability to handle major life events like stress, trauma, and physical illness. Kids with strong mental wellbeing tend to be more involved in class, behave better, and progress further, and they also manage stress and recover from illness more effectively.

To combat this, schools, supported by initiatives like those from the Walmart Foundation, must implement a comprehensive nutrition program involving awareness sessions, parental involvement, community events, and nutritional monitoring. Initiatives may include promoting healthy food choices and collaborating with health organizations for dietary guidance. These efforts can lead to noticeable improvements in students’ health and greater family engagement in healthy eating habits.

Explore Nature

Learning extends far beyond the confines of traditional classrooms, offering abundant opportunities for hands-on education. Initiatives like Forest Schools and Nature-Friendly Schools have gained traction, yet outdoor learning remains underutilized despite growing acknowledgment of its benefits.

Bringing a sense of energy and enthusiasm can invigorate various activities, spanning all subjects, by simply shifting them outdoors. This could entail incorporating outdoor elements into a math lesson, like map-making for coordinate practice, utilizing physical movement to understand angles and shapes, or fostering creativity through outdoor art projects like crafting autumn leaf arrangements. Similarly, encouraging reading for enjoyment can involve setting up outdoor reading spaces with engaging books for students to delve into and discuss.

Cyberspace hosts abundant resources for sparking ideas and motivation, including platforms like Learning Through Landscapes, providing complimentary outdoor lesson plans adhering to the curriculum. Besides the positive impact on mood and stress relief, spending time outdoors fosters concentration, increases vitality, and stimulates creativity. It also grants children, especially those challenged by the structured environment of classrooms, the liberty to express themselves more freely, potentially revealing their strengths.

Mindfulness Practices

In schools worldwide, children are dedicating 10 minutes during their hectic days to practice mindfulness, focusing on sensations like their feet on the ground or their breath. Mindfulness, simplistically, sharpens attention to the present moment, reducing anxiety about the past or future. While evidence on its impact is limited, the Department for Education is funding research into student well-being strategies, including mindfulness.

Despite this, schools are increasingly embracing it to support mental health, aided by organizations like the Mindfulness in Schools Project. Some integrate mindfulness into daily routines or provide mental health resources during breaks. Teachers, too, benefit from mindfulness training, enhancing their wellbeing and effectiveness.

Physical Activity

Exercise isn’t just about health; it combats anxiety, boosts mood, and enhances self-esteem and cognitive function. Encouraging an active lifestyle comes in various forms beyond PE classes, like sports clubs, playtimes, and engaging activities. Kids can benefit from fun experiences like healthy cooking challenges, “daily mile” activities, or walking/cycling to school. These habits stick with children into adulthood, underscoring the importance of starting early. So, get your kids moving as soon as possible for lifelong benefits.

Health Monitoring

Given the paramount importance of student welfare in schools, it’s imperative to establish efficient protocols for its oversight and administration, especially considering resource constraints; thus, automating relevant processes becomes imperative.

Many educational institutions are exploring digital solutions that seamlessly sync with their administrative systems to address, track, and oversee student issues in real-time. These platforms comply with global safeguarding standards, offering tailored support to educators and pastoral staff for proactive student care.

Schools can utilize this software to track safeguarding issues for individual or multiple students, establish recommended actions, keep tabs on their progress, and alert relevant staff and parents or guardians efficiently, all within one platform.

When I went to the grocery store and saw tomatoes being sold at 10 cents a pound, I didn’t know how long the sale would last, if this was just a one or two day sale, or longer term. Since they were so cheap, I wanted to take advantage of the price, and buy more than just a few days worth. But how? If you leave tomatoes too long in the fridge, they will spoil (I’ve thrown out way too many spoiled tomatoes than I’d like to admit)… But not buying a lot just felt like a waste of the sale.

I decided that I would make homemade salsa, since peppers were also a good price at 50 cents a pound and onions were also 10 cents a pound. I try to keep a supply canned salsa in my house since I really love it with chips, and also with tacos, but making it each time is a pain… so I often end up buying a jar of salsa, which is definitely not a frugal purchase locally, at about $4.25 for a 15.5 oz (439 g) jar of Chi-chi’s salsa. I knew that homemade salsa is a fraction of the cost, even when prices aren’t this ridiculously low. So I knew that I’d be making some and it would be a very frugal move.

I canned these jars up using the water bath canning method in this post, though now I fortunately have jar tongs and a few other large pots so I can can a bunch of things at the same time, which makes things much faster. 

How much did it cost? 

For my salsa I used:

15.5 lbs of tomatoes, which cost $3.20.

Bell peppers- a mix of green and red- cost me $6.01 for 11.85 lbs.

I didn’t find the type of hot peppers I usually use (I have no idea what they’re called, to be honest), but I found other peppers that cost $1.68 for a small package… but they were very spicy, so that small package was enough for the large amount. 

I used at most 3 lbs of onions which cost $0.30.

I used a package of cilantro that cost me $0.95.

I used less than half a bottle, so about $0.85 worth of lemon juice.

I used half a head of garlic (I would have used more but I didn’t have any more garlic that wasn’t all dried and shriveled up which would cost at most $0.25.)

Lastly, the amount of salt in it is so negligible I’m not even going to bother to write it down.

Total for my salsa? 

$13.21.

That averages out to $0.57 cents a jar. Which is 7.5 times cheaper than store bought. Or to put it this way…

This many jars would cost $97.75 dollars. Instead of my $13.21.

See why it’s worth it?

What is your favorite brand of salsa, or do you make yours from scratch? Hot, medium, or mild? Ever can salsa? Or anything else? For this price and savings, would you find this worth the work?

As mothers, we’re the guardians of our children’s health and happiness, and their skin is a window into their well-being. From those tiny toes to their rosy cheeks, nurturing their skin health is a top priority. Yet, navigating the landscape of pediatric skin concerns can be daunting.

The newest providers of your local dermatology group, Epiphany Dermatology, are here to assist you! Dr. Jaimie Rodger, PA Ragan Phillips, and NP Rebecca Holt would like to share common skin issues in children and explore why teaming up with a dermatologist is essential for ensuring our little ones’ skin radiates with health and vitality. Thank you to Epiphany Dermatology for writing this article.

Eczema: Embracing Comfort Amidst Itchiness

As the saying goes, the best offense is a great defense. By utilizing gentle moisturizers with ceramides to repair the skin barrier, we improve the symptoms of eczema and prevent flare-ups. “We provide tailored treatment regimens specific to your child’s needs and severity of eczema,” notes Dr. Jaimie Rodger.

Diaper Rash: A Mom’s Tender Touch

Dealing with diaper rash is a testament to a mother’s resilience. The constant exposure to moisture and irritants can leave our little one’s skin sore and tender. While diaper rash is a common occurrence, severe or persistent cases call for attention. “Dermatologists provide invaluable guidance on prevention strategies, recommend gentle diaper creams, and uncover any underlying factors contributing to recurring rashes,” shares physician assistant Ragan Phillips.

Diaper rash can be frustrating for parents, we are here to help find the best ways to keep your child comfortable while treating the problem.

Birthmarks and Moles: Mom’s Vigilant Watch

Birthmarks and moles adorn our children’s skin, each telling a unique story. While most are harmless, vigilant observation is essential. “Regular visits to a dermatologist ensure any changes are detected early, allowing for timely intervention if needed and offering us peace of mind as we watch our children grow,” says nurse practitioner Rebecca Holt.

As moms, we know our children best. If there is ever a noticeable change in your child’s moles, our office is ready and willing to provide a timely evaluation.

Sun Protection: Shielding Our Little Rays

Protecting our children from the sun’s harmful rays is a sacred duty. “Sunburns during childhood can increase the risk of skin cancer later in life,” emphasizes PA Phillips.

Dermatologists guide us in implementing robust sun protection measures, recommending safe and effective sunscreens, and educating us on sun-safe practices to instill in our children from a young age. We are here to help you find safe sunscreen for your little one.

Infections and Contagious Conditions: Trusting Dermatological Wisdom

Children have immature immune systems that do not recognize infections as quickly. “Molluscum is a common childhood skin infection that can be frustrating as it spreads from child to child,” Dr. Rodger empathizes. We have various treatment options to choose from that are best for you and your little one.

Allergies and Sensitivities: Mom’s Compassionate Care

Skin allergies and sensitivities can cause discomfort and distress in our little ones. Identifying triggers is crucial for managing these conditions effectively. Dermatologists conduct comprehensive evaluations, offering insights into allergens and recommending strategies to create a nurturing environment for our children’s skin.

“No mom wants to see their child suffer, so with collaboration between your pediatrician and our office, we can provide appropriate interventions to ensure your child is comfortable and confident in their skin,” encourages NP Holt.

Acne in Adolescence: Partnering Through Puberty Pimples

Acne begins in adolescence as our baby skin is transitioning to adult skin. One-third of patients have acne that continues into adulthood. “We provide treatment regimens that are tailored to each skin type and age group,” informs Dr. Rodger. We provide educational handouts and research to find the best medication prices so you can have a successful outcome at home.

As mothers, nurturing our children’s skin health is a labor of love. By understanding and addressing their unique skin concerns, we lay the foundation for their overall well-being and confidence. Partnering with a dermatologist equips us with expert guidance, personalized treatment plans, and unwavering support, empowering us to navigate parenthood with assurance. Through regular check-ups and proactive measures, we ensure our children’s skin radiates with health and vitality, embracing life with joy and resilience.

Schedule an Appointment

To schedule your appointment with one of Epiphany Dermatogoy’s expert dermatology providers, call them at (864) 686-5511 or schedule an appointment online at epiphanydermatology.com.

Epiphany Dermatology (Patewood, SC) is located at 274-A Commonwealth Dr, Greenville, SC 29615.

Epiphany Dermatology believes everyone should have immediate access to the best skin care, regardless of where they choose to live and raise their family. Gone are the days of waiting many months and driving countless miles to see a dermatologist.

Their physicians are exceptionally well-schooled at some of the finest medical and dermatology training programs in the country, including Harvard, Stanford, Mayo Clinic, University of Texas, University of Washington, and Washington University. Epiphany’s collaborative physician network enables the providers to share clinical best practices and continue their lifelong medical education for the benefit of patients.

Epiphany believes it is their responsibility to help all patients, regardless of financial status, insurance type, or scheduling needs.​

We all want our kids to proceed through life with confidence as they develop physically, mentally, and emotionally. Because we care so much, it can be difficult for us to watch them struggle when faced with a challenge or a new skill. It’s especially tough to see them becoming so frustrated that they give up or refuse to even try in the first place, even when we’ve done all we can to encourage them.

In this episode, Janet shares a helpful reframe and actionable guidelines for fostering our kids’ healthy persistence, and then responds to some specific situations parents recently shared with her: a child getting too frustrated when attempting anything challenging; a 3-year-old who refuses to draw and insists her parent do it for her; and a 5-year-old who falls apart if he loses a game.

Transcript of “Raising Kids Who Persist Through Struggles”

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.

Today I am going to talk about something I believe most of us, if not all of us, want for our children, and that is the ability to be patient, stay on task, complete things that they’ve started, not give up, persist even when something’s challenging. That they have that confidence, that they have that stamina to keep going. I guess you would call it grit. How do we help our children develop that?

As I share about this topic, I’m going to be responding to some specific questions that I received. They’re short, one-sentence questions that came via an Instagram reach-out that I did where I asked for questions. Several were around this topic, so I thought I would talk about it and answer these specifically, and also answer questions that I’ve received for years and had myself as a parent about all kinds of situations where our kids get too frustrated. They want to give up, they seem to fail at something or lose at something and they can’t handle it. How can we give our children the tools that they need to reach their potential and flourish in a world that’s not always easy and our goals aren’t always easy to achieve? Sometimes our kids can even appear to be early perfectionists. Everything has to be right or they can’t do it, and they fly off the handle when they’re making a mistake or something’s not working for them.

First I’m going to share these individual questions and then I’ll talk about some of the steps to keep in mind, responses that we can give our children that will encourage them to persist.

Here are the questions: “How can I help my three-year-old develop frustration tolerance and to not give up immediately?” Another one: “I have a three-year-old who always asks me to draw for her. I sense it’s because she’s afraid of being wrong. How do I deal with that kind of perfectionism so early on?” Here’s another one: “We can’t play games because of the massive upset it causes our five-year-old, who wants to win all of the time.” And then another one, very close to that: “Should you let your five-year-old win if they cry when they don’t win?” And then finally: “What are some tips to build children’s confidence after a tough experience?”

The most important overall goal to work towards for us is to stop fearing frustration. Frustration is part of the process, I think we can all relate to that. As is sometimes getting so overwhelmed that we just want to give up, and we maybe do give up at that point. And that’s okay, because if we’re ready to keep working on that skill, we will. We’ll come back to it.

One of the major ways that we get in the way of our child developing persistence as parents, and maybe unwittingly cause them to feel this need to control every outcome or to be perfect, is that it’s so hard for us to tolerate our child getting emotional, especially getting frustrated about things that maybe we know they can do or believe they can do if they keep trying. It’s so hard to witness that, and the younger a child is, the harder it can be. It’s so challenging for us that we can project when a child isn’t even complaining or expressing anything uncomfortable. We can project that they are maybe not going to get it and we want to help them and we want to make sure that they’re not going to get frustrated, that it’s going to work out for them. So this is what we’re up against. But again, frustration is what builds confidence and what helps children to know they can persist and want to persist, in their way and time. Ideally, they get to express it all. They get to yell, they get to stomp their feet, they get to give up. This is normalized by us for them, we see this as a healthy part of a process.

One of the really fascinating things about doing a podcast—I don’t know if other people feel this way, other podcasters—but I’ve noticed that whatever topic I’m talking about in the podcast, some version of it will happen to me in real life. It’s really odd how that always seems to happen. And I’m not going to give examples, because most of them are embarrassing and too personal and all of that. But in this case, I reached out for questions on Instagram, and then someone that’s helping me collect the questions organized them for me into topic categories and sent me this list. And it was a big list. I’m grateful for that, I’m not complaining about that at all! But I made the mistake of looking at it at the end of a long day of work, and I had what I told her later was an “inner meltdown.” I got so overwhelmed looking at them, it felt like, I can’t do any of this. This will be impossible. I can’t make these into short answers. Most of these I’ve covered extensively in other resources I’ve offered in my articles and my podcasts, that part doesn’t really matter. I just felt like, Alright, I don’t even want to do this.

But then the next day, after a decent night’s rest, I looked at it again. I remembered some of the things that I’d read, and I sort of digested them and had ideas about them and kind of started to formulate, Oh, I could answer this and that. I saw a lot of things that I could answer. It was like I was in a whole different frame of mind. I think for me—well I know for me, because this has happened in lots of things I’m doing, it happens with writing, it happens with podcasting sometimes. My husband, who edits for me, knows that I sort of lose my temper in the middle sometimes. I can’t do this! I get overwhelmed very, very easily. Then I come back, I come back to the writing and suddenly I can find my way through. This happens with everything. Maybe not everybody has this process, but I do. Maybe that’s the young child part of me still, but it’s there.

And I’ve come to realize—maybe I don’t always realize it in the moment, like the other evening when I looked at this list—but with writing and things like that, I realized, Okay, this is how it feels right now. It’s not going to feel like this forever. This is part of it. To persist, it’s necessary for me to first not want to persist, and to be able to feel like that and have that feeling be okay. To come up against those walls, to get overwhelmed and need to put it aside. This is the gift we can give our children. And they can probably get it much better than I did, it’s taken me a long time, I think. And I have had perfectionist tendencies in the past over certain things that I really care about, that are important to me.

So that’s the nature of the beast: Not fearing frustration, in ourselves or in our child. If I only had time to say one thing about helping kids learn persistence, that would be it. Normalize giving up, normalize frustration and all the blow-ups that come with that.

Another thing to remember that will maybe help us when we want to come in and rescue and fix it and do it for our child. I don’t know anyone that doesn’t have those impulses. Even if we feel like we’ve come to terms with the idea that frustration is okay on an objective level, we’re probably still going to have those urges to rescue, fix, do it for them. But here’s the thing: When children are building skills and they get frustrated, it’s like with all of us. It’s not that what they’re frustrated about is that the skill gets done, and therefore, if we do it for them, that feels better. They’re frustrated because they want to be the one to do the skill. They want to be able to do it themselves. That’s why they’re working on it. So it doesn’t help them if we come in and do it for them. In fact, that creates more of a sense for our child that they can’t. It gives them the message that they need us to do it, that we don’t believe they could do it themselves. And when powerful people in their lives like us don’t believe something or we feel something, they’re going to feel that too. It’s just, for better and worse, the way this parenting thing works.

Know those two things: First, that we don’t have to fear frustration, it’s healthy. We don’t have to make it stop or tell children to calm down or that they should feel better or do something to make it better. That’s not our job. And second, that children want to be able to do it themselves if they’re working at something.

Next point: Be careful about messaging. We tend to teach our kids, beginning in infancy, that they should focus on the goal, that they shouldn’t just be engaged in the process itself, that they need to win or they need to finish. We do this so unconsciously, it’s like we’re passing down our own adult beliefs that become ingrained in us. But it doesn’t help our children at this stage. Actually, it doesn’t really help us at any stage, but it will happen to your child eventually. But we can postpone this as long as possible by being mindful about what we’re projecting, what we’re thinking. When we see our child working on something, are we thinking, Oh gosh, I hope they get there. I hope they get it.? And maybe we’re saying, “You can do it. You can do it.” Or, “Yay, you did it!” and we’re making a big to-do about it. Or, “You won! You won the game!”, showing our child how excited and pleased we are. When we display that, we’re affirming and reaffirming to our child that, This is what I want you to do. I want you to be able to finish. I want you to be able to win. That creates pressure, right? And pressure creates even more frustration. The pressure we put on ourselves, the pressure we feel coming from someone else. It’s pressure and it’s this expectation in our child that they should or need to gain this validation from us, this excitement. If they don’t win, then they lose that. They lose not just the game, but something much more important, which is my parent’s excitement and enthusiasm and pride in me.

Even when our baby is reaching for that toy, let’s say they’re doing floor play and they’re reaching for an object that we’ve placed around in their play area. This is the power of observation actually too, and why it’s such an incredible practice for us to consider. Observation helps us to not project, Oh my gosh, he almost has it. He’s almost touching it. Oooh, what if he doesn’t get it and he might get upset? Oh, he’s touched it and oh no, it rolled a little bit. It was a ball, let’s say. It rolled and now he’s going to be so upset. I guess it’s okay to think those things, although it’s better if we are actually noticing, Wow, he’s reaching his arm towards it. Look how he’s stretching his fingers towards it. He’s not stressed at all here. And now it rolled away and he just watched and took interest in that. Maybe he made a little sound and we say, “Yeah, that rolled when you touched it, it moved.”

If we’re very conscious—and we’re not going to be able to be like this all the time—we can avoid giving children those messages that then create a sense of, Ooh, now I’m reaching for it and I have to get it because my parent usually handed it to me or they got wound up if I didn’t get it. There was tension in the air that children can feel. So whatever I was doing there wasn’t valid unless I completed it, unless I got the ball in my hand or whatever my parent wanted me to do. It’s those subtle messages. Again, they’re very hard not to project, not to give our children unintentionally, but it’s an interesting thing to look at in ourselves, how often we do this, and to try to do it less. Because children do tend to have this much healthier process-orientation until we influence them otherwise.

Another point: Make sure it’s your child who wants to do this, and let go when your child lets go. Oftentimes when our child wants to give up or they just lose interest in that and now they’re interested in something else, we can remain invested in them finishing. Because we’re finishers, as adults, we tend to think in terms of getting it and finishing it and winning it. So this is something also to try to let go of and really trust. Trust is the key to all of this, and the key to enabling our child’s learning and enabling them to build their sense of self-confidence. It’s trust about their frustration, all the stages they might have to go through, the emotions they have to go through. Those are unique to them, there’s nothing to fear. Trust that what they’re doing right now is enough and trust that our child knows what they need to work on better than we do. They’re the ones that are these genius learners, as people like Alison Gopnik that study babies tell us. They’re the learning masters, especially when it comes to themselves and their own inner-directedness, their own motivation. That’s the precious thing that we want to preserve here, right? Because that is what leads to persistence, while being goal-oriented can lead to perfectionism.

Now here are three steps that we can take to help kids in those moments of frustration. Here’s some ways to help ourselves to be in trust mode, in positive-messaging mode, and to not get in the way of our child’s natural ability to persist. If you see babies sometimes, they’re very tenacious, if we allow them to be, as they’re doing their motor skills, they’re rolling. You’ll see incredible effort when a baby isn’t tired and when they’ve got that emotional space and physical space to be able to try things. This is something children are born with, they’re very impressive. We just have to kind of protect it.

Okay, here are the three steps.

First, if they ask us for help, or maybe even if they don’t but we see that they’re struggling, we give the first step, which is emotional support. That doesn’t mean that we say a lot of words. “Oh, it’s okay, you can do this.” I would say less, especially if it might be interruptive to your child. Mostly I would just acknowledge, and not every second. We want to be in acknowledge-mode, just reflecting on what they’re saying and what they’re showing us. But we say, “Yes, I’d love to help,” and then we go closer. We don’t have our phones or other distractions because when we’re distracted, children don’t feel supported. So we’re there, we’re saying we’d love to help, but we’re not jumping in. We’re perceiving help in a way that actually really helps our child, which is starting small and just giving them that support first. I’m here watching you. I’m here with you. I trust you. I’ll always be there to help when you want me to help.

Second step: Coming from that same place of trusting that frustration is safe and healthy, which is the best way to provide emotional support, maybe we give some verbal ideas if our child is still struggling. And if they’re doing something physical like climbing or trying to get down from standing, something infants are often working on, then we’re spotting for safety and we’re maybe reminding our child of that: “I’ll keep you safe if you want to try this.” But not in a pressing tone, like we really want them to try it. Just very open, very trusting, I’m there for you.

Another way that we can help verbally is to break it down for our child with genuine questions. If our child says, “I can’t build a tower, you do it.” “That can be hard to do sometimes. Which block do you want to start with, do you think?” But actually when I just said that, I kind of rushed it. So not even rushing that. Pausing in between all of these steps, with Magda Gerber’s magic word: wait. Remembering that children are on a slower speed than we are. So we can pause between each of these steps and just acknowledge whatever they’re showing us or telling us, “Yeah, it’s really tough to do that. That could be tricky.” And then maybe slipping in, “What if you tried it this way? Do you think that would help?” Or, “Maybe just start here. Which part could you do?”

After we’ve gone through steps one and two, leaving space, welcoming the frustration, not fearing it, then the last step is if they’re still in it, they haven’t given up, they want to be still trying this task and we see it and they’re getting upset maybe, we offer physical assistance. But think small, the smallest thing possible. So if they’re opening a jar or, I’m talking about a play jar, not one they need to get in to get something to eat, then maybe we loosen it for them a tiny bit with our hand. Still letting them get the motion of it, make the effort. That’s how they learn how to do it themselves, not by us doing it for them.

Or maybe they’ve climbed and they’re trying to get down. Maybe we would help our child by helping them engage the next step below them by moving one foot onto it while telling them what we’re doing. “I’m going to move this foot so you can feel this step under you.” Because oftentimes with climbing and physical activities like that, children get frightened. So it’s not just frustration, they get a little nervous. Of course we want to help with that. But allowing children to do as much of this themselves as possible is what keeps them safer, because they’re not magically being taken down off of a climbing structure by these magical people, us. They’re feeling, Oh, this is what my foot needs to do next to be able to get down.

It’s amazing how little we need to do for children to be able to do things and feel that pride in themselves that they did it. With a puzzle, that might be just helping kids organize the pieces into colors. So we’re not doing it for them, but we’re saying, “Okay, I’m going to put these colors together, and I’ll put these together, these seem part of the same picture.” That’s a great way to help an older child who’s doing puzzles or even a three-year-old or two-year-old that’s working on puzzles.

Then with an older child, if it’s a homework assignment or a science project or a writing assignment, maybe we brainstorm some ideas with them. I did that a lot. My kids would tell me how terrible everything was that I brought up and they’d get really mad and frustrated and then they would figure it out themselves later. Not in my timing necessarily, but in theirs. Sometimes hearing all the things you don’t want it to be helps you figure out what you do want it to be, that’s true as well. Somehow that always worked, but they never liked any of my ideas.

This could also be holding that button side of the shirt really taut so that your child can more easily move that buttonhole over it, or holding that area around the zipper taut for them so that they can zip it more easily. It’s hard to do a zipper, you’ve got to use two hands a lot of the time, and we can be one of those hands. Or maybe even, this is a little more helpful, but holding their hand to help them apply more pressure when they’re trying to push together a snap. So we’re giving them that backup. Or holding a block steady so that they can try to balance another block on top of it. Those are ways to physically help that still allow our child to own the experience and learn the skill. We don’t want to take that away from them.

Now I’d like to touch on these short questions and just fill in with some details:

“How can I help my three-year-old develop frustration tolerance and to not give up immediately?”

That’s what I’ve been discussing here. They develop frustration tolerance by learning that they can tolerate frustration. And they learn that they can tolerate frustration by us tolerating their frustration, almost to the point of welcoming it, knowing it’s a safe part of the process. And “to not give up immediately”? That’s really got to be up to them. I would trust that, and know that maybe that’s our own fear coming in. Oh no, they’re giving up too fast. If they feel pressure from us, they will give up faster. If we help too much, they will give up faster. So those are ways that we can encourage them to not give up immediately. But that’s really got to be up to them, how long they can persist. And every time we trust them, it helps them to feel more confident and therefore persist longer in things. That’s also relative to their own level of self-regulation at that point. Like me at the end of a long day in the evening looking at something that overwhelmed me, I was primed to be overwhelmed and want to give up. More primed than I was when I was rested and it was earlier in the day and I had time to digest it. So again, trusting the process.

Second question:

“I have a three-year-old who always asks me to draw for her. I sense it’s because she’s afraid of being wrong. How to deal with that kind of perfectionism so early on?”

Sometimes we unwittingly create this, that when our child says draw for me, we draw. If you want to do that, I would just do a scribble, just a line or something that you think your child could draw for you. But I wouldn’t draw something that’s more advanced because for some children, that becomes this unachievable goal for them, they’re not going to be able to do that at their age.

So if you’re doing this and now this has become the pattern, that it seems like she doesn’t want to do it because she’s seen us do it, I would back off and follow the steps that I mentioned. First I would set it up that this isn’t my skill, it’s hers, for when she wants to do it. So she says, “Draw for me, draw me a picture.” “I’m actually not going to draw now, but if you want to draw, I would love to watch you or hang out with you.” And she says, “No, you do it. I can’t.” “One day you’re going to want to try drawing and then you will. But I think I’ve drawn a lot for you and I’m not going to do that anymore.”

We can say those things, have those boundaries with lots and lots of love if we get out of that fear place and know, Oh, okay, I might’ve created something here. I wouldn’t worry that this is perfectionism. I believe this is just that she’s become accustomed to a more finished product that is advanced for her, so she’s gauging herself on that. And that would intimidate anyone, right? If it was beyond what they could do. So I would just gently say no or say, “I’ll draw alongside you.”

Or maybe she could hold your hand while you’re drawing. Say, “Okay I’ll draw, you hold my hand and tell me where you want the crayon to go.” Or the marker to go, or whatever it is. And hopefully it’s not on the wall! That’s a way that you could give more physical help, step three. But maybe do the first two steps first, which is just saying, “Okay, I’m here if you want to draw. I would love to be with you and hang with you for support.” And then the second one: “Why don’t you just put your crayon down and see where it wants to go?” That would be number two, a verbal direction. And then three, maybe holding it with her. But I would not do more than that, and just trust that someday she’ll come back to this when she’s ready and when enough time has gone by that she doesn’t feel that performance pressure anymore.

Here’s two that are about games:

“We can’t play games because of the massive upset it causes our five-year-old, who wants to win all of the time.”

So maybe there’s some messages the child got there. And if they’re not getting them from us, they’re going to get it from other kids and other places, so don’t worry if your child got this from you. But winning is important to him. So I would just be careful from here on out about how excited you’re getting or how happy you are for him when he wins, or how sorry you feel when she loses. But if she expresses feelings, welcome those feelings. “I know it’s hard.” Welcome that frustration, the sad feelings, whatever it is, about losing. This is how a child becomes a “good loser,” by being able to be an emotional loser, somebody that cares, and us normalizing that instead of judging that. Judging children encourages more perfectionism. Welcoming children to share all their feelings, the messy ones, the ones that aren’t as pretty, that’s how children build confidence in themselves. None of their feelings are wrong. So, “Oh, that really disappointed you, you wanted that, you wanted to win. Sorry, that’s so hard.” Trusting their process. It’s a magical thing that we can do. It really works wonders, but it’s hard for us, right?

And then:

“Should you let your five-year-old win if they cry when they don’t win?”

I wouldn’t let my five-year-old win. This goes back to what I was saying about how your child wants to be the one to do it. It’s not just that your child wants to get to that win place, however they get there. It’s that they want to be able to do that. So letting them win, children almost always know, because they’re very intuitive and clever. And that’s a bummer, right? When somebody lets us win, it makes us feel worse about ourselves. Oh gosh, they’ve got to kind of let me win. It’s unnecessary.

But I know it’s hard when your child cries or your child gets frustrated, and that’s what this podcast is about. That’s what children need to do. The more we let them cry, the less they cry about things like that. Loving them all the way through, not trying to tell them that they should be different or that they shouldn’t feel the way that they feel. We can’t help the way we feel. So bring it on. Welcome it. You’ll be amazed at the miracles that happen when you do that. That’s how children become resilient and persist, instead of getting stuck in that rigid perfectionist place. The rigid perfectionist is holding onto feelings, controlling. The child with healthy persistence trusts themselves, is comfortable in their skin.

And here’s the last one:

“Tips to build children’s confidence after a tough experience?”

So this is kind of vague, but it’s really the same thing. Next time they’re in that experience, you acknowledge and welcome all the feelings. Intervene in steps, as minimally as possible, to show them support so that they learn that they can survive a similar tough experience. That’s the only way that children can gain true confidence. We can’t give it to them. We can’t talk them into it, unfortunately. We can’t do a strategy to make it happen. We have to trust the process, their process, and all their feelings around it.

I really hope some of that helps. And I actually do a demonstration of the three steps in a very short video that’s part of my master course. People have told me that they really like those video examples that I give. Also, there’s a lot more about all the feelings children have and normalizing them in my other episodes and in my books, No Bad Kids and Elevating Child Care. This is one of my favorite topics because it’s been life-changing for me.

Thank you so much for listening. We can do this.