A parent consults with Janet about her one-year-old who screams, cries, “loses it anytime he’s picked up and moved to do something else or is told he can’t go somewhere.” She’s concerned that it’s too early for this type of behavior, wonders how to respond and if she’s doing something wrong. Janet shares her perspective and offers specific advice for handling his resistance to diaper changes, separation, and more.
Transcript of “Angry Flare-Ups – And He’s Only One Year Old (A Parent Consultation)”
Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.
Well, you spoke, I listened. And thank you all so much for your feedback. A comment that many of you made is that you would like to hear more parent consultations, so I’m doing one for you today. It’s with a parent who reached out to me in a message on Instagram. She said she’s started my No Bad Kids Course and has a question about her one-year-old, who’s already showing a lot of feelings about small things that she’s trying to do with him, like pick him up or change his diaper. And she’s worried that this might be too early for him to be showing this kind of behavior and maybe she’s doing something wrong. I’m looking forward to talking with her here today. And she agreed to be recorded, so thank you to this parent! Thank you all again for your feedback. Here we go.
Hi, welcome to Unruffled. Thank you for being here.
Parent: Thanks for having me.
Janet Lansbury: You sent me a message and, if it’s okay, I’d like to read that and then hear any updates that you have since then. Because I know things change quickly with young children, even though this was only probably a couple of weeks ago. Here we go:
My one-year-old son has been crying/screaming whenever we interrupt or pick him up when he’s doing something or wants to go somewhere he can’t. Hard not to wonder if it feels early for this. He has fought diaper changes for months and does the same with the high chair and car seat, but in the last week he loses it anytime he’s picked up and moved to do something else or is told he can’t go somewhere. It’s been getting worse since I left town for three nights and we weaned night feeds. Not sure if it’s related.
That was it. Anything you want to add?
Parent: I remember actually, I started listening to your podcast and realized you did repeat the messages and I’m like, Oh my gosh, I would’ve maybe tried to sound less stressed in the message. I was a little anxious sending that because we were in the thick of this all-day screaming thing. I think I’d add to that question just, what’s the best way to respond? In hindsight, I was worrying about Is it too early for this? and all that. And I think there’s no too anything, right? I think it’s just trying to accept our kid as they are and then figure out how to respond to them.
Janet Lansbury: Exactly. But I can tell you from my experience that it’s definitely not too early for this. And it’s actually great for you and for him that he’s showing himself early, so you can start to get the hang of who he is and how he reacts to things and what kind of voice he is in the world. Just in short, it seems like he’s a strong, vibrant voice in his world.
Parent: Yeah, indeed.
Janet Lansbury: And that’s a really positive thing. That’s only positive. So I want to take that worry off your plate.
Parent: And I appreciate that. I think as a parent, and a first-time parent, you tend to go into, What does this mean? and Did I do something wrong? And you can make it about you sometimes, rather than just accepting your child as they are and not looking for a fault or something wrong or Does this mean it’s too early?
Janet Lansbury: A hundred percent. And that’s so important for us to be able to calm ourselves enough to meet our child where they are, and to see them. He’s giving you a big glimpse into him now. And you said he’s done this for a while now. How many months is he exactly?
Parent: He’s officially 13 months today. He’s fought the diaper changes and things since maybe 10 months or so, it’s been a while. But it depends. We’ve found different ways to make them less painful for him. Because I understand. I’ll put him up on the change table and I’ll be like, I get it. I wouldn’t want to be up here either. I wouldn’t want to have my diaper changed either.
Janet Lansbury: Yes, being able to see from his point of view is also really important. He sounds like a child who—what sometimes people confuse with high needs. Not always, but a lot of the time children that are very expressive like this, we worry that they’re in terrible pain or they’re really disrupted. But what it sounds like he’s doing, since it’s coming up in all these different instances, is he just wants to share. He’s very expressive. He’s expressive, and so what that usually does is turn into a child who talks a lot, has a lot of words, is very articulate. It’s interesting how we can see something that’s so positive as a worry. Well, we’ll worry about everything as parents, especially first-time parents.
Parent: Right, absolutely. You’re always like, Am I doing a good job? Am I doing it right? There’s all this fear of, I don’t want to screw up my kid, I don’t want to do anything wrong. And you try to find the million things like, Okay, I traveled, I left town, he hasn’t been sleeping. Is it that? And then I kind of just realized it’s probably not helpful to do that. Let’s just let it go, try to find ways to let him be himself.
And he is the most chatty, he is the happiest, most social little dude. If we bring him out and he sees a stranger, he’s just babbling and just full gibberish, just full conversations. Definitely he’s very chatty, very expressive, super outgoing, super social, really happy guy.
But you get fearful when he’s screaming half the day. You’re like, Oh no, I left town for three days. Is it that? Is it cutting the night feeds? Did we do that wrong? You’re always afraid you’ve done something wrong. And there’s all these different opposing schools of thought on how to deal with sleep and eating and behavior and everything, and it kind of can make you feel a little nuts. So yeah, I’ve just been trying to let that go.
Janet Lansbury: And any kind of crying or screaming, as parents we tend to see that as we’re doing something wrong. Instead of, well, he really doesn’t have words yet. And yes, he can babble and all that, which are words. Those are words that he’s communicating, but oftentimes he doesn’t have the words to say with emphasis, “Hey, I didn’t like that!” or “I don’t want to do this, be in this car seat. Why are you putting this thing on me? I don’t want to be tied in, I want to move!” And he just needs to be able to be emphatic. But it can be seen as, Oh gosh, this is bad news. Instead of, again, that this is good news.
That’s why it’s so important to try to work on right from the beginning that crying is just another form of communication. Sometimes it does indicate pain, but oftentimes, especially with a child with this kind of temperament, it just means he’s a sharer, he’s telling you. So that’s the way that we want to respond, receiving that message so he doesn’t have to keep telling us and telling us and telling us.
And that can be hard to do. That’s why I want to hear more about how you’re responding now, because maybe I can help you respond in a way that’s even more encouraging to him. That he feels like he really shared it, that he got it off his chest, that you got it, you got him, you weren’t trying to push back on it or say, “Oh, it’s okay.” Instead you’re really allowing—and this is the challenging thing for all of us—allowing the full message that he’s giving you so that he doesn’t have to keep giving it.
Parent: So that could be why there’s repetition.
Janet Lansbury: Yes.
Parent: The screaming/crying has mellowed out since I messaged you. When I messaged you, I’d followed a few different behavioral specialists on Instagram. And there was one particularly that gave the message of—and it didn’t quite resonate with me, and I’m realizing, especially hearing your responses and going further into your No Bad Kids Course, maybe that wasn’t working—but basically to respond to favorable behavior and just ignore problem behavior or bad behavior. And I’d messaged this other person on Instagram and they were giving me all these tips about giving them sort of an item to transition them all the time. And I was like, well, I don’t want to have to manipulate it or have a bribe every time I’ve got to take you to the car seat. That didn’t feel right for me. And I was kind of doing that. If he would scream in the high chair, I’d kind of ignore it and not give it any attention. They said, well that’s him trying to get attention, so ignore it and he’ll stop doing it. But that wasn’t working.
And so what I started doing since even just hearing you say it’s a really positive thing, and I was like, yes, this is a good thing, he’s got a voice, he’ll be a strong person in the world. I’ve started being like, maybe I just let him feel heard and validate what he’s feeling. So what I’ve kind of been working on is, I lay him down on the change table, let’s say, and he’s screaming and twisting, sure I can give him an item to play with, but lately he’s just been throwing it. He’s like, Mom, I know what you’re doing. He’s very smart. And so I’ve kind of just been putting my hand on him and saying, “Hey bud, I get it. It sucks to be up here. I wouldn’t want to be up here.” And I kind of look at him and whatever emotion that he’s portraying in his face, I try to show empathy. And I noticed when I do that, he ends up chilling out and kind of relaxing. And then sometimes he’ll kind of scream again. But I’ve been trying to say, Hey, I get it.
If he’s at the park and I take him from the blanket, I mean I try to ease the transition a little bit. Instead of just picking him up in the middle of playing with a ball or bubbles or whatever on a blanket, I’ll find a fun way to transition him, whether it’s piggybacking him or something he loves to the car. But if he is protesting or screaming or letting me know he doesn’t like it, I’m trying to just make him feel heard and have a conversation with him and he’ll kind of talk back in his own way. And I’ve noticed things have gotten better. And it could be because of that or it could be because I’ve been home for a few more days, I don’t know. But I’ve been trying to make him feel like we’re in a dialogue and he’s heard. I was like, I think that’s probably what I would want if I was feeling feelings and having an opinion about something, not to just ignore it.
So I’m curious about your thoughts on that. Even my pediatrician was like, okay, there’s a difference between validating emotions and saying “I hear you” when they have tantrums, let’s say, which he’ll start to have more of, but then when it’s problem behavior—I hate that word, because I don’t think it’s problem behavior. I think it’s, again, in your work you would probably say it’s him communicating something—but when it’s screaming or anything to try and get attention, ignore that. And I was like, I don’t think that’s working. I guess I’m trying to find a balance. I’m maybe curious what you think of making him feel heard and validated in those moments, but also not finding a way where he gets juice out of it and does it to get my attention or it becomes a pattern or problematic going down the line. What would your thoughts be?
Janet Lansbury: Well, first of all, I love this direction that you’ve gone in and in my view, you are definitely on your way there. I just want to encourage you to even embrace that more.
Imagine that you’re him and you’re saying something. And I don’t know what people are calling “problem behavior,” I guess screaming is a “problem behavior.” So the way somebody is expressing something is a problem behavior? But imagine that you’re doing this and you’re getting a brick wall in this parent who you feel is the most intimate relationship you have in your life. This person is a reflection of you in many ways and they’re just ignoring you. That is a way that gives it attention that’s actually fueling their need to keep sharing. So that’s why that doesn’t work. Because to be ignored is like, Okay, well what do I have to do for you to see me and hear me? I’ve got to keep doing it, I’ve got to do it stronger. So that’s not what I recommend at all.
The other thing of just trying to find tricks and things to kind of make it easier, I mean maybe there are some children that works with. I feel like it’s an onus on the parent that’s totally unnecessary, that now we have to think of a fun way to get him in a transition. I mean, we have too much to do as it is.
Parent: It’s exhausting. I can’t remember a snack to bribe you with every time we go into the high chair.
Janet Lansbury: What we need is something clear, something real, something authentic that’s going to carry us through not just this time, but your whole life with this child. A way to hear him, to welcome him. To not encourage him to scream in your face, but to encourage him to share it, because if he doesn’t scream in your face, he’s going to have to share it another way. So encourage him to share that somehow with you.
Let’s take an example: the diaper change. This is a really common one for a child like this, he’s not going to let people mess with him. That’s a really good thing, that’s a good quality. I mean, my kids are like that and it’s turned out really well for them. So yeah, what you’re doing, and I would even go further. So you’re saying, “It looks like you don’t want to be here, you’re turning, ugh!” There are actually ways you can work with him on that too, where you’re open to, “Let me try it with you on your tummy, but I need you to stay here. Okay, I’m going to have to hold you, because now you’re moving back.” It’s a dance, it’s like you’re working with him, so you’ve got to hear his side of it for him to be able to feel heard and that you’re in this together. It’s not just you trying to do something to him and distract him so you can do it. It’s, We’ve got to do this together, buddy. “So you don’t want to do it this way? I’ll try it that way. But you know what now? Oops. Now this is kind of making a mess. I’ve got to do it this way, I’ve got to hold you. Oh, you really hate when I hold you!”
Instead of just, “I get it, I hear you. You’re right to feel this way,” I would go even more with, Yeah, I do get it. Instead of just saying the words, I don’t know exactly how you’re saying it now, but sometimes at first we’ll just say, “Okay, I understand,” or “This isn’t good.” But to really meet somebody where they are and be like, “Yeah, you’re really not liking this right now! I know, but we’ve got to do it, buddy.” Really giving him permission to share that, while you’re still holding boundaries. You’re trying to work with him, but he’s got to work with you sometimes as well. And you are the leader here, so it is up to you to hold those boundaries.
When he doesn’t want to get up when he’s playing or something like that and you have to pick him up. Yeah, you tell him because that’s polite, right? “I’ve got to pick you up now.” Confidently, knowing that he’s probably going to yell at you for it. And that’s okay. The more honestly you welcome this, the less you’re going to see of it. But he’s really in a Can you hear me? mode and Can you see me? and Is it okay to feel the way I feel? All messages that we want to give him, right? So you’re picking him up, you’re already prepared that this is going to be a thing, maybe, for him. This is what I call the confident momentum. We want to get that into us so that we’re not so tentative, Okay, uh-oh, here he goes . . . But instead like, You know what, buddy? I’m going to be the hero here. I’ve got to pick you up. And then whatever he’s saying, “Oh no, you didn’t want me to,” as you’re moving. You’re in motion, you’re not letting it stop you, but you’re fully able to accept that he’s really, really mad at you right now and he didn’t want to stop doing that or whatever it was.
You don’t have to say a lot of words, but it’s that attitude that, Yeah, you get to blast me. That’s your job. I want to know how you feel about things actually. Instead of, I only want to hear the good things. This is a relationship for life where you want him to share all the times that he’s got his feelings hurt, that he’s angry about something, that he’s mad at you. This is the gift that will only give him more confidence in life and more emotional intelligence and all the things that you want. And keep you really, really, really close, where he can always tell you those things. You’ll always be the one. That’s the payoff we get for this.
Parent: That’s what I would hope for, absolutely.
Janet Lansbury: And it’ll help you to get used to this dynamic with him that when you set a boundary of some kind, whether that’s now we have to go or there’s some other thing you need to stop him from doing, now you know that you’re dealing with somebody that’s going to tell you how much they don’t like it. And that’s a good thing and you can handle it.
The thing about ignoring, too—just getting back to that, because that’s common advice—is the part to ignore is the really irritating aspect of the scream, if possible, or the whine. Or the words that our child is saying to us as they try out different words they feel might push a button in us because they heard it somewhere and then they find often that it did push a button in us and then they have to keep kind of going there to see, Are they going to get over this? So when that comes too, it’s not about ignoring, turning away, I don’t speak to you when you talk to me like that. What makes it go away, what gives us what we want and gives us so many other gifts as well, and this relationship that we want with our child, is to ignore the hurtfulness of that, not give that power. This is a child, I’m a grown-up.
Parent: It’s not about me.
Janet Lansbury: It’s not personal. I am bigger than this and I can handle this.
Parent: Yeah.
Janet Lansbury: Let’s just say with the scream, since you’re getting that, it does help to kind of go like, “Wow, you’re really mad about that.” Or sometimes children will just scream to express themselves, they’re not even upset about anything. And that happens a lot in the classes that I teach. Sometimes one will scream and then the parents are all reacting, then they all want to scream. I try to encourage the parents to just stay calm and let me handle this to kind of demonstrate. And I’ll say, “Wow, whoa, that’s a lot. Okay, let’s go out here. Here you can scream.” And I take them out to the deck where it’s a little better for them to scream out there, maybe not for the neighbors. But it’s very short-lived when you lean into it and just allow it, let it go, boom.
That’s true if you’re stuck on an airplane with a crying child, “Oh gosh, yeah, you’re stuck in here. It’s a different place and it’s noisy and it’s hard to sleep.” It’s amazing how fast, well you’ve seen this yourself now, it’s amazing how fast they calm down. Instead of when we’re trying to go like, “Oh shh, shh, it’s okay,” and we’re dancing around, trying to do all these things.
Parent: Or worry about other people. I’m about to fly with him alone and I’m scared of other people getting annoyed. And it’s just like, you know what? I’m never going to see them again. Deal with it.
Janet Lansbury: I mean, I think it’s good to care about other people, but you’re caring about other people by helping your child say it, so it’s done. That’s how you’re caring about other people.
Parent: Yes, of course, being respectful to other people. But not trying to change him because I’m worried they’ll judge.
Janet Lansbury: Or change him in a way that doesn’t actually work in the end. I mean that’s the experience I’ve had with children around me is when we’re trying to appease, it goes on and on and on and on and on. Because the child just wants to be able to say it to you and for you to get it. Nobody’s saying the obvious thing of, Why would you want to be here in this strange place?
Parent: Yes, in this weird tube.
Janet Lansbury: In this weird tube where you can’t run around. What I’m saying is to help it stop for other people, lean into it and that makes it shorter. And then you have been sensitive to other people, but you haven’t done it at the expense of your child and your dynamic. It’s not about right or wrong, it’s about what works and helps us and helps us for life and doesn’t teach children things that we don’t want to teach them.
Parent: Right. I want him to feel his fullest self. Sometimes when he screams, it’s like pure joy. And even my parents said I used to scream a lot when I was a kid just in that kind of way. I don’t want him to have self-doubt. I feel like I always had a lot of big feelings and I have some self-doubts now, I think because maybe there was no knowledge on how to nurture that. Everyone probably tried their best. But I want to be able to nurture him and allow him to just be his full, expressive self and have no doubt or shame around his need to express his emotions or whatever he’s feeling.
Janet Lansbury: Well, you’re on that track. And I would just say, if people are thinking this is indulgent or something, if you’re in a public place—that isn’t an airplane, because there’s not a lot you can do there—you do pick him up and carry him into the car or somewhere so that you’re not disturbing people. And so that he can feel like his privacy is respected, too. It’s not just about the other people. I don’t think my child should disturb other people, again. I feel like that is my job to try to deal with that as best I can. And people show videos of their child falling apart and all that and I don’t agree with that. Would you want a video of you falling apart? I mean, not that it’s shameful, but it’s embarrassing. And why should we expose our child to what all these people are thinking if we can help it, if there’s something we could do about it.
Parent: And so would you, as he gets older and it becomes potentially full-blown tantrum on the floor of the grocery aisle, if they’re seeing red and they can’t necessarily have rational discussion because their emotions are hard to regulate, would you respond in the same way in a moment like that? And is me responding in these ways now and making him feel seen and heard, will that be preventative to having the full-blown, crazy meltdowns? Or is that okay? It’s just a part of it, I’ll accept that it’s going to happen.
Janet Lansbury: Well, I don’t think there’s a way that you can prevent it from happening sometimes, with someone like your child, especially. Because he is a live-wire in that way and he’s intense, it sounds like, and it’s going to happen. So I wouldn’t consider that. But I would consider that you get to know him, as you’re already doing, knowing what is challenging for him and trying to avoid that as much as possible. If it’s a certain time of day, that’s in the afternoon usually, and you have to take him somewhere, try to be prepared that you may need to leave pretty quickly, that it may not work out that time. You just want to be sensitive to how sensitive he is. It’s tiredness, it’s hunger, too much stimulation, which most markets are, supermarkets are very stimulating. Just being aware of that, so you’re setting yourself up for success as much as possible.
I’m not saying to talk reason to him about any of this either. None of it is about reason, it’s about a feeling. We all know our feelings, they’re not that reasonable sometimes, we just feel them. Young children are even more that way. It’s never about reason, and that’s why the words that we say when we’re acknowledging and welcoming those feelings are not about particular words. It’s that we have this in our whole body that we really do accept and we really are okay with him sharing that. And that’s really all that matters. If we’re saying nothing, we can still have that. Looking at him, just nodding our head, agreeing with his right to feel what he feels.
But in the market I would, like I said, just try to catch it as early as possible that he’s going there, he’s going off, so you can pick him up and just move him out somewhere where you don’t have to deal with worrying about other people and being in public. If for some reason you’re caught up and you can’t lift him for some reason or get him out of there, then yeah, I would just let it pass. I mean, tantrums are actually a physiological experience. They’ve even had studies showing that if you try to talk to a child during a tantrum, it exacerbates the tantrum, it makes it last longer, it intensifies it. Because they really just need to dissolve and for us to just know it’s going to end and at that point there’s more of a chance that we can be reasonable or at least just help our child go forward or whatever. But mostly they just do, mostly children just come out of it and they’re fine, like la la la la la. But we’re on the floor now.
Parent: Right, you’re like, Oh my gosh, I just went through a marathon.
Janet Lansbury: But that’s why normalizing it now for yourself, with the screaming and the crying and the protesting, it’s never going to be comfortable, but you’ll start to see it as less of a terrible, negative thing. It’s definitely not a sign you’re doing anything wrong. It’s him sharing it. It’s him releasing some of that intensity this guy has, and you’re doing the best possible thing to let him share it.
Parent: When you’re saying talking to toddlers while they’re tantruming doesn’t quite help. So would you not even say anything at that point? Because you’re saying sometimes, “Oh, you’re not happy because you couldn’t have that candy” or whatever. Would you still verbalize things or just show empathy and get them out of there and let them settle?
Janet Lansbury: It depends how disrupted he is. If he’s really just crying and crying, then sometimes it’s just nodding. You know, acknowledging is often more for us than it is for our child. It’s to keep us in that accepting place. It’s not about, Oh, if I just say these words, he’s going to stop, but that helps us stay in the attitude. You know what I mean?
Parent: Got you.
Janet Lansbury: And sometimes they can hear. But you’re talking about a tantrum where they’re really falling apart and they can’t hear anything during that. That’s different from complaining and screaming because you picked him up when he didn’t want you to pick him up or you say no, you can’t go somewhere. It might turn into a tantrum at some point, but in the beginning he’s just wanting to share something and anything we do that’s not allowing them to, especially with a child like this, it just means it builds up and builds up.
When you said the thing about you left town for three nights and you weaned night feeds, I was thinking there’s going to be residual storytelling he needs to tell about that. The way children do that is it comes up in all these other things, like just some random thing, Oh, I’m just picking him up, what’s the big deal? Or, I’m telling him he can’t play anymore and we have to go, what’s the big deal? Well, the big deal is he’s finding this outlet right there, not consciously, but he’s sharing about when you left and you came back and all the changes that he’s been going through. And now you’re asking me to go through another change that’s just as simple as, you’re not going to play here anymore, we’re going to here? It just taps into all those changes, all those transitions he’s had to make with the weaning and everything.
That’s why transitions are ripe for children to have a hard time. Transitions are hard for them because their grip on reality and where they are and all that is really important to them. Here I am, I’m doing this, I’m playing here. Oh, I’m feeling on top of things. Oh no. Now I’m not on top anymore. I’m going somewhere. And that’s why it’s a good thing to get in the habit of saying, “In a minute we’re going to do this.” And then maybe he’ll complain then and scream then, and then you’ll say, “Oh, you’re saying no, you don’t want to. But this is what we’re going to do.” And then at that point you might choose, if it seems like he’s falling apart, you might choose to say, “You know what? We’re going to actually do it now” and take him earlier because he’s obviously not enjoying what he’s doing anymore anyway. And that’ll be easier for you probably to just move him at that point. So he’s really good at sharing.
Parent: He is. And he’s very sensitive, but he’s also chill and goes with the flow all the time too. So it’s really just about letting him be all the things and he can have many different qualities and just making him feel heard.
Janet Lansbury: That’s how it all works together. A child that’s so engaged with other people like you describe and so mellow and so in tune with certain things, it’s like they have the yin-yang of that.
Parent: They do. He’s a Gemini too. He’s just like his papa, he’s got all the extras.
Janet Lansbury: And you say that you can relate to his intensity with feelings and everything. So yeah, he’s got whatever he’s got from you too. But he’s also his own person and he’s got all the richness, all the colors of a human being. He just needs you both to keep him safe and keep him appropriate in terms of other people and stop him early when he is getting into something you don’t want him to get into or doing something. Give him the gift of stopping him early so that he doesn’t have to get more and more invested in a struggle around it. If you see him going towards something that you don’t want him to go towards: “I’m going to actually stop you here.” But yeah, it’s good if he has a safe place, what I call a yes space, where he can not be stopped.
Parent: We’re still working on expanding his play zone, because he’s growing out of it. So we have to find a better way to make an extra-large yes space at the house.
Janet Lansbury: That’s nice. They don’t need a super-large space, but yeah, that’s a great gift that you can give him and you, that he’s safe and that you don’t have to say no, no, no, no, no. And that he doesn’t have to have that, and then it’s very clear for him. Children, they need clarity from us so they don’t get stuck trying to figure out where the boundaries are. And he’s just coming into all of this, he’s coming in hot.
Parent: Oh yeah, he’s got a lot to say and it’s going to be so awesome just seeing how that plays out as he develops.
Janet Lansbury: So awesome.
Parent: One last quick thing I want to ask is when I do put him in the current play area, he often does cry and sometimes I’ll come into it with him just to say, Hey, I’m not dropping you here and dropping you like it’s hot and abandoning you. But I’ll go in and play for a second. And sometimes he’ll cry and then eventually he’ll settle into playing on his own. So a little bit of separation stuff there. Is there an approach you recommend?
Janet Lansbury: The approach I recommend is that there’s regularity to it. So there’s certain times a day that he knows, it’s not the time on the clock, but oh, after breakfast is playtime. And I would always go in there with him at first and have times when you’re sitting in there with him when he is playing and then say, “And now I’m going to go.” I guess it’s okay sometimes just to put him in, but kids don’t really like feeling like we’re dumping them somewhere and we’re going, so it’s better to go in there with him and actually give him your attention for a few minutes before you leave. And then when we leave, it’s the same thing. It can be very intimidating, like all these feelings, if we see them as a problem and negative. And this is the main message I want to get across to you, if we see it that way, which is a common way to see it, then you’ll be skulking off like, Oh, I feel terrible. And that’ll be in your whole body language, which makes him less comfortable. But if you can see that as a strong statement he’s making of, This is my opinion! He’s got opinions, he’s got his own feelings, it’s great.
Parent: Yes, it’s good.
Janet Lansbury: I don’t want you to leave! Why would he want you to leave? He loves you. Why would he want you to separate from him? Children never want that, right?
Parent: Right.
Janet Lansbury: “Oh, you don’t want me to go!” And not just, “You don’t want me to go. I have to go. I hear you.” He’s not going to buy that. But, “I know, ah! I left and you didn’t want me to leave yet. And I am coming back.” And then if he’s crying, we’re not going to take a long time leaving. We’re going to come back, at least in the beginning when we’re working on this. And he’s in separation anxiety phase, so he’s more sensitive to it and it does tend to be hard. But you’ll come back to show him, “And now I’m back.” And you come in for a little bit longer and then you leave again. Just for now, I would do that if he’s having a hard time settling.
But really welcome him to tell you. Sometimes you’ll just be on the other side of that gate, so you’re fully able to see him, and he’s still doing the same thing. And that’s where we can feel certain, Oh, he’s telling me what he wants. It’s not like he’s abandoned and he’s all alone and he’s so lonely, all those bad places we go to in our mind. He’s just saying, Hey, I want you here with me and you left! This is what I want. And that’s good for him to share what he wants. And it’s also good for him to learn, bit by bit, that the world doesn’t always give him what he wants. Sometimes the people he’s in relationships with have their own wants and needs too.
Thank you so much. This has been great. And really, I just love how you actually got on the path totally by yourself.
Parent: Well, with your help, listening to your course and little things. Combo of that and instinct.
Janet Lansbury: The beauty of this approach is that it’s a foundation that you can stick with, that you’re building for yourself as much as for your child. The way that I respond to emotions, the way that I let him share with me, the way I share the boundaries he needs me to share as the leader. It’s very holistic in that it just keeps going, it keeps working. And we’re just getting more and more practice, so it gets easier and easier.
Parent: Absolutely. Well, exciting things to practice and see how things flourish, because a close relationship is just the goal. Being a safe space and letting them just be their great little selves.
Janet Lansbury: Sounds like you have a delightful person there you’re getting to know.
Parent: He’s awesome. He’s great. He’s the best. He is such a ham. We’re so lucky.
Janet Lansbury: Well keep enjoying him and let him show his dark side.
Parent: Yes, he can have it all. Absolutely.
Janet Lansbury: You’re there for him and what a blessing.
Parent: Thank you so much.
Janet Lansbury: Thank you.
You can find out more about the course that she was mentioning at nobadkidscourse.com.
Thank you so much for listening. We can do this.
Originally published by Janet Lansbury on July 16, 2024
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