Potty training is always an adventure, and it can be a confusing, sometimes frustrating experience. There are countless books on the subject, and there’s plenty of advice from both experts and well-meaning friends and family. Since every child’s process is unique to them and depends on so many internal and external influences, it’s difficult to find a one-size-fits-all approach. In this episode, Janet responds to several questions from parents whose kids are having difficulties using the toilet. The parents describe pitfalls they’re encountering and various strategies they’ve tried, but to no avail. Janet offers her POV on the subject and explains how her approach can accomplish more than basic potty learning—it can also relieve the associated pressures both parent and child experience, with the bonus of giving the child a sense of autonomy, accomplishment, and confidence.
Transcript of “Potty Learning: What Kids Need From Us”
Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.
I get so many questions about potty training, and I really appreciate them. I know this can be such a frustrating, concerning, touchy in some cases process. That’s why there are so many books on the topic and a lot of different advice. I have a way that I believe in, that is definitely not the only way that works, but I feel strongly about it because of all the benefits. Not just the benefit of having a child who’s out of diapers, who knows how to use the potty and wants to, but also this sense of accomplishment, autonomy, children being able to own this process in the way that I believe that it works best. It’s a lifelong gift that we can give children, because this is an early skill that they can own and feel proud of if we can trust their process.
And that right there is the key to the process I believe in for toilet learning. It puts a lot of trust in the child. But children still need a lot from us, and that’s what I want to talk about today: what children need from us as facilitators of this important development. And as I talk about this today, I’ll also be sharing some specific questions from parents.
I was thinking of an analogy. Maybe you’re going to think this is a silly analogy, but to me it fits and might be helpful in connecting with an approach that works and understanding why it works. The analogy is a child being able to pee or poop on the toilet is like when we jump into a swimming pool for the first time. I feel like I remember that and what that felt like. It was scary, right? The idea of it, the before part of letting your whole body go like that and trusting that you were going to be okay in the water.
What can get in the way with an activity like that is feeling pressured, feeling someone pushing us to do something that really takes us letting go and trusting ourselves. But now someone’s watching us, they’re telling us we need to do it. That makes it harder, especially if you’re like me, which is sensitive to the energy and the feelings of everybody around me. And many, many children are that sensitive. Just the slightest sense that, Oh, they’re watching, they’re waiting, they want me to do this. I can’t do it now, because I’m feeling that. There’s a whole spectrum of sensitivities children have relative to the amount of pressure, but for some, it’s a very, very low threshold for it getting in the way. What we need sometimes in terms of jumping in the pool is somebody to almost be looking the other way. Just trusting, comfortable, relaxed, not caring whether we do it or not. Just trusting that we will do it when we’re ready, when we want to.
Also sometimes, similar to when we jump in the pool, maybe it’s a one-off. Maybe we do it that one time, but now we don’t want to do it again because maybe the people around us made such a big deal about how great it was that we did that. And somehow now, because we’re sensitive, it’s even harder to do it this time because we’re feeling those expectations of people around us. Well she already did it, so we know she can. Come on, do it again! And yet it’s still as scary that second time. It really takes a lot of times in a lot of different moods to do that, for it to be completely unscary. For somebody like me, I’m saying. Going on the potty can be like that.
And the more we understand that as parents, the less likely we’re going to be to get into situations where this becomes an issue, where it becomes a problem, where it feels like our child is resisting and they’re just never going to do it. What are we doing wrong? And it’s really not ever about some particular thing we’re doing “wrong,” but our attitude towards it. Are we really trusting and letting go and believing in that child? Or are we letting these voices—that believe me, it’s so easy to do as a parent—that give us doubt, that make us feel like, That’s our job, we’ve got to do something! Our friends’ kids are doing this at an even younger age. Or the school I want my child to go to is demanding it. Or I’m just reading a lot of advice and books that say if I just did these few things, I should be able to train my child, that it’s my job to make sure they jump in the pool.
Getting back to what children need from us in this process: The first thing they need is opportunities, with zero pressure. Which means we’re not rushing them, we’re not urging them. We’re not even standing next to them wishing, wishing, wishing they’re going to do it without saying a word, because many children will feel that. But if we could really believe that this is like jumping into a pool, this is like learning to walk. It’s a development that my child can have the benefit of owning and that they will do it if I can stay out of the way and if I can calm myself so I’m not projecting that anxiety around it, that sense of urgency.
We can get early signs of our child feeling pressure, that maybe without realizing it we are projecting an agenda that might be getting in the way. Things like when your child hides when they’re pooping in their diaper and they want to go hide behind a piece of furniture or outside. That’s showing that they’re feeling self-conscious. And that can be really helpful, right? Because now we know, Oh wow, they’re feeling eyes upon them, they’re feeling that we have an agenda. They’re uncomfortable and needing to hide. That’s a sign that it would help for me to back off and trust more and not let all those voices in my head get in the way.
Here’s the first note from a parent I’m going to share. This is about a child in the beginning of this process:
I have a 20-month-old and am beginning to think about the transition from diapers to the potty. I’ve loved taking a baby-led approach to parenting, from playtime to weaning to sitting and walking, all thanks to your advice. I would very much like to do the same with potty training. As you suggest, we have a potty in the bathroom and I let my toddler watch us go to the toilet, which she is very interested in. She sits on the potty in her diaper of her own volition from time to time and reads a book and sings. It’s very cute.
My questions are practical ones, though. Firstly, I see that you do not suggest underwear until later on in the journey. But then how will my daughter learn what her body is doing? And beyond copying me, what would be her motivation to go through with all the hassle of going to the potty when she’s quite comfortable peeing in her diaper? We also use cloth diapers that she’s unable to take on and off herself. Should we switch to pull-ups and should we use ones that have less absorption than a normal diaper so that she can feel some wetness, but without having a full-on accident? If so, when would be a good time to transition to that?
Also, she goes to nursery three to four days a week. Do you suggest continuity between home and daycare, or can she cope with different approaches in different places? For example, diapers at daycare, but less absorbent pull-ups at home. I haven’t spoken to daycare yet about it, but I know they’re used to children being intensively trained at home rather than taking a patient, longer approach. I’m not sure how to ask them to work with us on being baby-led with this. Thank you.
Okay, so a few questions this parent has. Sounds like everything’s going along smoothly. She’s helping her daughter become aware of what adults do in this situation. She’s giving her opportunities by having a small potty there, trusting her to use it as she wishes, within reason. So her daughter is learning cognitively how this goes.
This parent asks, “How will my daughter learn what her body is doing?” Well, she’ll learn because she’s experiencing it and we can acknowledge, and therefore reinforce, what she’s learning. And the parent says, “Beyond copying me, what would be her motivation to go through with all the hassle of going to the potty?” When we have this open kind of approach that this parent has, this trusting approach, children don’t see this as a hassle or a problem any more than they see climbing or learning to walk or run as a hassle. When children get used to it, it’s actually a lot easier than having to have a diaper change and go through that. So I would trust that she’s going to develop that understanding on her own. Also, modeling is a very powerful learning tool for young children because they are all about us at this age. We’re their gods, we’re their everything. That’s why they want your keys instead of their toys, they want your phone. They want to do what we’re doing, that’s a natural motivator. But even without that, just like with walking, they have an intrinsic desire to develop.
The next development that will happen with her cognitively is she’ll know before she’s going to urinate that she needs to. And when you see her making expressions either while she’s going or after or before, just reflect back, “Oh, it looks like you’re wet. Are you wet? Or did you have a poop? Let’s go change your diaper so you can be dry again.” Or we notice, “Oh, it looks like you’re pooping right now.” Not making a big deal out of it, not making our child self-conscious if we can help it, not focusing with some kind of agenda. Just reflecting, just communicating what’s going on, saying all the things that children are sharing with us through their expressions, through their words, through their sounds that they’re making.
And then you’ll see that your child will start to indicate that they’re getting ready to go. And now that she knows what the potty is and she sees you doing it, you can say, “Someday you’ll want to go sit on the potty and pee there like you see me doing, instead of in your diaper. Whenever you do, let me know and I’ll take your diaper off and help you get it back on.” This is the hardest part, that tone. We can’t fake this, unfortunately, it really has to come from us believing in our child. And believing in our children is a magical thing for them, the effects of that are incredible. My parents believed in me. They know I’m a person that can do things and surprise them. They don’t need to make everything happen. I can learn things myself. I feel like that’s a gift that we can easily underestimate. When our child can learn that in this area, I can do things, that will transmit to them believing in themselves with every kind of learning. I mean, you can’t read that in a book, you can’t buy it for them, you can’t teach it to them. It’s something that they can learn only if we allow them the opportunity.
And then, should they go to diapers with less absorption? I don’t think that’s necessary. If the parent wants to, sure. If pull-ups are just as easy for this parent in terms of her child having a poop in them and everything else, then yes. But it’s not necessary. Mostly I don’t recommend pull-ups until a child is really showing that they want to regularly jump into the pool, they want to regularly go to the potty. Because what can happen is we get invested, without even realizing it. And that’s even more so with underwear. Now they’re in pull-ups. That means they’re on their way and they should be potty learning now. Even those little steps forward that we feel we’re taking can interfere with theirs. With a sensitive child, I’m not saying every child. Obviously there’s a lot of children who do fine with parent-led potty training. Again, this is the approach I believe in. I’m not saying this is the only right way. I would never say that about anything, especially not this, because people have a lot of opinions and some things work for some children. I believe this works for all children and that’s why I teach it.
Then she asks about the nursery three to four days a week, continuity between home and daycare. It’s always good to tell the daycare or the preschool where your child is, very honestly. Some schools—maybe even some daycares, although I can’t imagine at 20 months—but some schools will require that your child is trained and oftentimes they’re not strict about that. But I would definitely explore that because if a school is demanding it of a child who’s just turned three or even three-and-a-half, then there may be other things in their program that are not developmental. I know some people don’t have a choice and they have to go along with that, and what happens is their child will end up holding during that time.
So if that is the case and you need that, then maybe consider if you could do it less hours or something that won’t create a difficult situation for your child where they feel like they have to hold while they’re at that place or that the school will not understand if they have accidents. I mean, I can’t even imagine that, as somebody that works with young children, that you wouldn’t be very flexible and open when you’re caring for young children. But from what I hear, there’s places that don’t really seem to get that.
But if you’ve made the best choice and this is the nursery that you want, and if they’re doing diapers, that’s fine. That’s kind of giving children a break while they’re there. Again, this path where the child is training themselves to use the potty, you can’t undo that path if it’s going in a positive direction by giving your child diapers.
You can interfere with it the other way, where you’re urging a child forward into what they’re not doing yet. But allowing them to be comfortable and wear diapers sometimes and then other times when they want to go in the potty, they’re doing it without diapers, that’s not going to hold them back in any way. It’s like the way children learn to walk, the way children learn to read. Once that’s going, it’s like a fire. You can’t put it out. It’s a desire. So I would try to take that concern off your plate.
And the overall message in terms of the second thing that children need, besides opportunities and zero pressure, is for us to let go of what we can’t control so that we can be unstressed. Because again, our pressure becomes our child feeling pressured.
I have another note here:
I’m struggling with something I’d really appreciate your thoughts on. It touches upon two themes you’ve covered at length, potty and other caretakers, but I’m not sure if you’ve already addressed the issue I’m facing. It’s that I’m trying my best to follow your advice in making the potty available while putting no pressure on my child to use it, but this is being undermined by her grandmother. In the societal fixation on developmental milestones you speak about, potty training my child has become her obsession. She uses bribes of candy in exchange for using the potty. She bought my kid training undies, which we already have plenty of but won’t use until our child expresses being ready for them, and has her use the undies when she’s with her, of course with accidents ensuing. She even told her that she needed to be potty trained before taking a dance class, which is untrue.
At home we explain to my child that her use of the potty is up to her and that she’s absolutely able to take a dance class in her diapers if she chooses (which she did, she just had her first class and loved it) and that we trust her to use the potty at her own pace with no pressure. But is this enough to counteract my mom’s approach, do you think?
And then she says:
I do feel that my mother’s approach has made my daughter more closed off to the potty than she was at the start, though I see her slowly becoming a little more open to it, I think. Basically, should I just take some deep breaths and chill or do I need to intervene? I should add that I had clearly explained my approach to potty to my mother from the get-go. Talking this through doesn’t feel like an option because my mother’s not open to anything perceived as criticism. And other times when I’ve tried to discuss my parenting preferences, no matter how gently, it’s never gone well, unfortunately.
She says her child spends four to five hours with her grandparents once a week, often with two to three other short visits during the week.
I’m on the side of take some deep breaths and chill. And do the next thing that I’m going to suggest that children need, which is communication and honesty. So talking about that with your child: “I know that grandma does it this way and she really, really wants you to use the potty. And we trust you and we know you’re going to use it when you’re ready.” And really believing that. It won’t hurt her if you are counteracting that as the parents of her, who have way more influence than her grandparent. Unfortunately, that could maybe get in the way a little bit, but it will get in the way more if she feels any anxiety around this coming from you. Really, this is going to be about her relationship with her grandparents more than anything.
We just do us and we let other people that we love do them, but we do communicate to our child so they know that they’re not alone in this, we see that this is happening. And we don’t have to say we don’t approve or anything else, just that we don’t believe the same way and we know you’re going to do it when you’re ready. If we say that and mean it, I don’t believe it will get in the way. So, communication.
And this is also true if we realize, Oh, my child feels they have to hide now, or maybe we’ve tried to train them using different methods and now our child is refusing. If we feel like our child is refusing, that’s a really good sign for us to know, Oh, that’s because we’re asking something from them, instead of letting go of this and believing in our child 100% that they’re going to achieve this skill in their way and time. They’re going to take that leap, if we can stay out of their way and not impose any pressure on them, overt or unconscious. A lot of this is actually looking at ourselves and really being honest with ourselves. Do I have an agenda here? Am I really nervous about this? And what can I do to release that? Both for the sake of my child getting to own this experience, and for it to work better just on a practical level. Being self-aware will help us in every area of parenting, including potty learning.
Getting back to what I was saying, communicating when we have imposed pressure, owning up to that: “Hey, you’ve probably been feeling that we’ve been really wanting you to go on the potty and it seems like you’re not ready. And you know what? We’ve been thinking about this and we trust you. We know you’re going to do it when you’re ready. So let us know if you ever need our help, but otherwise we’re not going to talk to you about it anymore unless you want us to, because we believe in you.” And that’s that.
And then really showing them by letting go of it. I mean, pressure can even be this thing of getting all excited when our child goes on the potty. Some advisors have even said, make a parade, make a party about it, give them a treat. Wow, now there’s all this buildup, there’s all this pressure. Now I’ve got to get everybody celebrating me again. To me that feels like it’s making it impossible for me to do this. I just want to freeze up and resist. No, I’m not going to do it.
So when our child is getting older, if they’re a typically developing child and they’re getting into their fours and fives and they haven’t achieved this yet, or they’re maybe peeing on the potty but not pooping, that communication is really important. And here’s a note about that:
I know you say that toilet training should not be taught and you should wait for the child. The thing is, when I read this information, I had already started with my eldest and it feels like a never-ending failed journey. He is now four-and-a-half years and just cannot seem to master the skill or has no intrinsic motivation to accomplish it.
I do not think it is a physical problem. When we are out and about he still has some accidents, but almost none, which he does not seem bothered by or embarrassed by, we don’t make a big deal out of it. But at home he just does not care, he will keep peeing his pants. There was a time where he was at 99% and would say, “I want to go.” Now he always says he does not want to go. And so now the only wee that ends up in the toilet at home is if we see the signs—jumping, wiggling his body—and take him in time. Then there is the number two. He has done it about four times in the toilet, but now gets extremely anxious about it if we take him. So I give him the choice, and he’d rather choose a nappy and we just put the nappy on and wait for him to ask us to clean him.
My question is this, do I put him back on nappies at almost five and just wait for him to choose on his own to get rid of them? Do I put a pull-up on and still take him to wee if I see the signs? Because I’m so tired of changing eight pairs of pants a day at home. I now know we should have not pushed years/months ago, but now we’re in this situation, so what do we do now?
Thank you for all your great insight. It took so much pressure off my youngest to just let him be and not force tummy time, etc.
This is a common issue that I get a lot of questions about. And yes, he’s showing signs that he’s feeling pressure and he’s pushing back. When he says he does not want to go, that’s in response to them asking him. So to let go of this and really allow it to be his, but still help him in this situation, the hardest part here is to really dial it back for ourselves. Releasing this. When we’re saying he’s at 99%—don’t think in terms of percent, don’t think in terms of how close he is and he’s on his way and he’s almost there. Completely let go of this.
That is the biggest challenge here. Because from there, the rest is easy. But he’s showing that he still does need help. We don’t want him to be stuck having to pee and he’s kind of afraid to, and maybe he’s gotten used to us giving him a helping hand. We can still do that, but it has to come from that place of, We’re just going to give you a helping hand. This may not work out perfectly, who knows? But you know what, let’s take you over to the potty. It looks like you’re having a hard time or you need to go. Not asking him, but seeing him, giving him that little bit of a helping hand, imperfectly. If he does have an accident, let it go, don’t even comment on it. Just do your best to help him and show him that you don’t have this agenda anymore, you’re giving this to him.
Here’s another note that has that theme about giving that relaxed helping hand, just doing your best, mostly letting it go:
Our three-year-old was almost completely toilet independent before starting at a new school last month, but has majorly regressed. I know this has been a big change for her, entering a space with older children, three- to five-year-old mixed-age classroom, and lots of new rules and routines to adjust to. We hoped we could keep encouraging and supporting her and that she would adjust, but it has become a point of contention and power struggle instead.
She is a bright and highly perceptive child and has always wanted approval and connection from others, even as a baby trying to get a stranger’s attention for a smile. We learned today after talking to her teachers that they have been taking her to the potty every 30 to 60 minutes, which I gather feels like a lot of pressure and nagging and causing anxiety. We sometimes ask when we are not in the heat of the moment, “You must feel like people are always telling you what to do, huh? It’s tricky getting used to a new school where they do things differently than at your old school or at home. That can feel overwhelming.” Her response is usually avoidance of the subject entirely.
She has stopped telling us when she needs to go or when she has already had an accident. She’s saying things like, “It’s okay if you have an accident,” which we do not confirm. We have worked so hard to be patient and saying things like, “It’s hard to stop playing when you’re having fun. Let’s go together to the bathroom and you can come right back to your Play-Doh.” We have fewer times a day at home when we prompt her, like before we leave the house, before nap, when we get home, and before bed, and each time she stalls or runs away. When this happens, we gently refocus her on the task by taking her hand and walking with her to the bathroom and staying there if she needs help. Once in the bathroom, she continues to stall or twirl around until she wets her pants. We continue to refocus her or help if she seems stuck and encourage, but don’t require, her to engage in the whole cleanup and changing process. Her teachers have suggested using small rewards, which we are opposed to.
I’m beginning to feel that her silliness and stalling is her showing us she’s anxious and feeling inadequate or without choice and autonomy. I don’t want this to cause our confident and usually very resilient child to feel shameful or inadequate and unsupported by the adults in her life. We would be grateful for any suggestions on how we can encourage her and help her be comfortable and confident.
Yeah, it gets kind of touchy, right? Trying to walk this line between helping and letting go. It sounds like these parents are really mostly right on, they’re doing that.
I would help her even more when she’s stalling, I would not let her fall into that stuck place of stalling. When you see that starting, say “You know what? We’re going to help you. I see you don’t want to right now, but why don’t you give it a try?” And then if she absolutely says no to that, let it go. In other words, not letting her be in the middle in that stalling place, which is uncomfortable.
I’m not sure if I would take this as if she’s showing her anxiety. It does seem like she feels safe to be herself at home. And for sure she probably has some residual feelings each day about that kind of pressure situation of just being in a school like that. Being in that situation is hard for any child in any part of their development with potty training. It’s just a different place to adjust to and it’s hard. So this may be coming out in her pushing limits this way. And by “limits” I mean, I’m going to keep my parent’s captive attention while I dance around this. I mean, not that this is a conscious effort on her part, but it’s kind of a place to want to get stuck. When it would really help if she could yell about it or express a feeling about it, which she may do if you say, “You know what? We’re going to have you go, or else let’s just put the diaper on.”
This parent used the words “majorly regressed,” but it’s really more of a pause. I wouldn’t see this as a regression because that is scary for us, right? Oh no, she’s regressing and I’ve got to help make this stop! She’s pausing while she adjusts to this new setting.
So I would take the onus off that for yourself completely, not worry about it. And I would let her have pull-ups or a diaper at home if she wants, if that can help her be more comfortable during this pause and without the worry on your end that, Oh no, she’s regressing and this is going to mess it up worse if we allow her to. When she says things like, “Accidents are okay,” I would validate that. “Yeah, absolutely, a hundred percent. And you know, why don’t we give you a diaper so you don’t have to worry about it?” And then maybe you could do a pull-up so she does have the easy option of taking it down.
But this isn’t a linear process, in other words, in any of these situations. Toilet learning is an up and down process. It’s not, Oh no, we’ve got to keep her on track! That’s where we can get into a situation where, even as open as these parents have been and as trusting as they are with her, they can start to have an agenda that becomes pressurizing and that will make it harder for their child to do this. So again, I would see this as a pause, not a problem. And letting her get used to this big transition before she goes back to that change.
And then communicating, like these parents have been doing so beautifully. Oh, this is overwhelming at school. They’re doing it differently. It can be overwhelming. And I would just add to that: “And you know what? Here we’re going to help you by letting you wear a pull-up because we want you to be comfortable here. This is a lot that you’re doing.”
If we go back to that analogy of jumping in the pool, it’s like sometimes we’ve got too much going on and that feels like too big of a challenge for us. That’s okay. Being on her side. And maybe if you’re leaving the house, even with the diaper or the pull-up on, giving her that choice. “Okay, now we’re leaving. Would you like to go on the potty?” And then she starts stalling. “It seems like you’re saying no, you don’t want to do it right now. Or do you?” And then maybe she goes on right there. But if she doesn’t, just don’t let her stall you, keep it going: “Let’s get you a diaper.”
Because what happens is sometimes we’re letting children stall because we want them to go on the potty so much. And children even feel that. A lot of times parents will say their child wants to be read to a million times or whatever as they’re sitting on the potty doing nothing. And that’s us having such an agenda that we’re willing to do anything, because we fear that we’ve got to make this work. And that I would let go of completely, and have those reasonable boundaries. That’s the last point I want to make.
First, children need opportunities and zero pressure. Second, they need us to be unstressed, letting go of what we can’t control. Third, they need us to communicate honestly with them, talking about the pressure that we maybe did put on them in the past. Fourth, they need a relaxed helping hand, coming from that place of letting go, just doing our best. Giving them diapers is backup for them and for us, there’s no reason not to. And then the fifth one, they do need boundaries from us.
And that’s what I was talking about, about the stalling and the endless books. Or, now I’m going to have go to the potty and now I’m stalling and I’m not really doing it, even though I’m sitting on the potty. I’m staying up too late at night because I keep saying I need to go to the potty. And you’re jumping every time. If there’s any doubt, give them a diaper. There’s no urgency about this timeline, that it’s a linear process. It is absolutely not for most children.
The boundaries, though, are us not giving into that, not letting them choose underwear when they’re showing us they’re not ready for underwear. That’s where children need our help to see beyond the moment of what they want. Maybe even the underwear is what they think we want, but they can’t do it yet.
So us seeing beyond, as the mature people seeing, You know what? My child isn’t quite there yet. They really want underwear. Instead of jumping on that and thinking, Okay, we’re on our way. I’ve got to make this work. I don’t want to say no to that because that’s going to discourage them. Instead, giving those reasonable boundaries. With trust that when your child’s ready to do this, they really will. And giving them underwear or not giving them underwear in the perfect time is not going to change that. Giving into books or every time they ask to go to the potty taking them is not going to get in the way of that. But our lack of boundaries can, because it’s a way that we transmit an agenda to them, believe it or not.
So having those boundaries: “You want to wear the underwear. It seems like you’re showing us you’re not quite there yet. So we’re going to still do pull-ups,” or, “We’re going to still do diapers. And when you’re going on the potty all the time, that’s the time to wear underwear.”
Or, “We’re not going to let you stall around here. We’re going to go on the outing, so you can go potty now or let’s just put a diaper on. Either way.” No pressure on us, no pressure on our child. Believing in them.
And here’s one more question:
I cannot figure out how to be respectful with my toddler about the potty. She’s started trying to learn to use the potty in earnest, but all she wants to do is be on the potty, open and close the lid, use gobs and gobs of toilet paper, and endlessly flush. Putting pants back on and washing hands are incredible battles. This consistently is making me late and also just grossed out because her toilet hands are everywhere. I’ve tried pictures, books, hugs, mommy time, “You’re having trouble doing X, so mommy will help you.” Nothing helps. I’m at my wit’s end and I don’t know what to do.
Note that she’s in a new class with older kids as of a couple weeks ago and I’m seven weeks pregnant, so she definitely has a lot going on. But I can’t figure out how to break the cycle.
Boundaries. Break the cycle with reasonable boundaries. There’s no reason in the world she has to stay on the potty, that she has to open and close the lid or use more than a tiny bit of toilet paper. If she’s not actually going on the potty, she doesn’t need any toilet paper. And don’t let her endlessly flush.
So, take her hand. “We’re not going to do this. Now we’re going to wash your hands.” Don’t be afraid to lead her. You’re not going to discourage anything, if that’s what you’re worried about.
When children feel this much free rein, they know, first of all, that they’re annoying us. And they also know we have an agenda, that we really, really want this to work, so we’re going to allow them to do anything.
And that, even though it doesn’t seem like it maybe, is pressurizing. That’s going to get in her way and in our way. And confuse everything, confuse us.
Have those reasonable boundaries. Don’t be afraid to say no, to stop her, to allow one flush, if there’s even a flush needed, a little bit of toilet paper, and now we’re going to move out of the bathroom. Don’t give her free rein to explore in ways that are not appropriate or are going to wind you up.
That’s it, and I hope this answers some of your questions.
I really hope this helps. Thank you so much for listening, and we can do this.
Originally published by Janet Lansbury on July 20, 2024
