Janet consults with a single mom who is alarmed by her toddler’s strong reactions and aggressive behavior. She seems easily and almost constantly upset—hits, pushes, and bites her mother and brother—and won’t be consoled. “When she is crying for a little while because of me taking something away, I console her and say, ‘I know you didn’t want me to take that away. I’m so sorry I had to, it was not safe.’ I will pick her up and rub her back and she will slap me.” Naturally, this mom wonders where such intense, angry reactions from her daughter could be coming from and how to effectively respond.
Transcript of “Everything Upsets My Spirited Toddler (A Parent Consultation)”
Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.
Today I’m going to be consulting with a single mom. She became a single mom within the last year and it’s been stressful. She’s been going through a lot that’s affecting her children, and her daughter is particularly spirited. She’s only 18 months old. Everything seems to upset her and she has strong reactions that include hitting, pushing, biting, even harming herself. She seems out of control and this mom is looking for some help. She says, “I used to be a supermom. Now I am a surviving mom.” I’m hoping to offer her some feedback and some solutions to make her life a little bit easier.
Hi and welcome. Thank you so much for being here.
Parent: Thank you for having me.
Janet Lansbury: If you don’t mind, first I would just like to read our exchange that we had in messages. And then we’ll hear how it’s going now, because a lot of times things actually change a lot in the time between when you first contact me and we get to talk.
You wrote:
Hi, Janet. I’m a single mom as of last February and I have a four-year-old son. Life is challenging and often I neglect myself. Lately I’ve been getting overwhelmed with my 18-month-old daughter. My daughter has always been very expressive and knows what she wants.
What is challenging right now with her is that she has been hitting, pushing, and even harming herself when she’s angry. Her anger almost seems out of control and cannot be consoled. I do give her time to let it all out and also try to understand what upset her, and if I do figure it out, I try to empathize with her. The other thing is that she’s been crying and screaming over so many different things and sometimes I have no clue what it is. It’s like everything upsets her. I spend so much time trying to please her. Brother even tries to help because he loves her, but also I can’t focus on him when sister is crying. Her hitting has also turned into biting and even breaking child locks off cabinets because she’s so mad.
When she is crying for a little while because of me taking something away, etc., I console her and say, “I know you didn’t want me to take that away. I’m so sorry. I had to, it was not safe.” I will pick her up and rub her back and she will slap me. I put her down and say, “You cannot hit mommy.” She cries and often slaps me again when I console her again.
I do feel really bad for my son, as she is often aggressive with him and he’s a very kind brother and very understanding. He loves her so much. I try to tell him to grab her arm if she tries to hit or take his hand away if she tries to bite him. But she’s quick and strong and he tries not to hurt her.
I feel like she had a rough entry into this world with all the chaos that was going on and me being extremely depressed at the time. I often wonder if that is where her anger comes from. I was definitely angry and sad often. I currently see a therapist and I’m on the appropriate medication, so things are much better. The kids do see their dad every other weekend and they’re very used to this schedule. It is all my daughter knows. My life is very challenging and busy, and I try not to let that affect my kids too much. For the most part, I’m a very happy mom, always there to listen. I make sure both kids are happy and feel loved. I used to be a super mom. Now I am a surviving mom.
What do I do about my daughter crying constantly? If I don’t pick up fast enough, if I tell her something she doesn’t like, if brother is doing something fun, if I’m eating, if her pacifier’s not with her, if we’re in the car going somewhere past 20 minutes, if she finishes dinner and I put her down, if I go to the bathroom, if I leave the room and close a gate. What can I do about the anger? How can I help brother?
In general, the kids get along very well. As I’m writing this, they’re blowing kisses to each other and giving hugs.
Then I wrote back:
Aw, kids are so incredible, tearing it up one minute and hugging the next. I would love to try to help, but it will be hard to do in messages.
My first thought is that she’s definitely showing she’s processing out some feelings in the healthy, not fun way that children do. She also seems overwhelmed, so I would look at the stimulation she has, what your daily routine is like with her. And then really encouraging her to share all these angry flashes. I wouldn’t put yourself in the position where you’re getting slapped.
Maybe think of it this way: When you’re angry, do you want to be consoled? You want to be heard, right? And just allowed to express the way you feel. These feelings are the healing of whatever she’s experienced: the chaos, your feelings—which children are profoundly influenced by. That’s nothing to feel bad about, it happens to all of us. Just to understand, to encourage you to perceive her anger as healthy.
And then you kindly agreed to consult with me. Thank you. And here we are.
Parent: Yes, that’s a lot.
Janet Lansbury: It is a lot. You are doing a lot, you’ve gone through a lot. And it sounds really, really hard, everything you’ve taken on here.
Parent: Yes, it has been. I think, like I said, I’m kind of on the uphill, I feel. I am, at least emotionally, I am understanding it more and I’m able to handle it a little better.
Janet Lansbury: Good.
Parent: So it’s just kind of odd when I feel like we’re doing better and then my daughter’s having more issues that seem to keep coming up.
Janet Lansbury: And that is not a coincidence. That’s actually the way that it works. When you’re doing better, now she’s feeling comfortable to express all that she’s absorbed over her life or however long you’ve been going through these difficulties. But as I tried to say in my little note to you, this isn’t for you to feel, Oh, what have I done to her? I mean, obviously that’s a normal thing to feel if that’s what you feel. But the point is, we all have issues that are going on that affect our children. We have moods, maybe we’re arguing with a spouse, maybe there are other stressors in our lives. And there’s no getting around that children do absorb them.
And then they do this really, really healthy thing, which is they get it out. Any outlet that they have, they unconsciously use it to vent out these feelings. Children don’t hold on, especially at her age, they don’t hold onto stuff very long, and that’s a great thing. They’re not stuffing it. They’re putting it right out there, when they feel safe to. When you’re too overwhelmed, they can’t or they can’t as easily. But now that you’re feeling better, she’s ready to heal what’s gone on and then she’ll have it behind her.
But it sounds like you’re also taking on this other big challenge that I don’t recommend, but it’s really common for us to do this. That we don’t only have the challenge of setting the boundary and taking care of all our children’s other needs and all of that, but when we set the boundary, sometimes we also take on the burden of, Now I’ve got to help you feel okay about the boundary. Your feelings are not safe and I have to make it better, as your loving parent. That’s the part that I would love to try to help you see differently.
Parent: Yes, I would agree with that 100%.
Janet Lansbury: This is a lifelong challenge for all of us, in some respect. Nobody wants to have their child be in any way uncomfortable or upset, but that’s what they need to do a lot of the time. And she’s showing that very clearly because when you try to console her, she’s hitting you and saying, No, this is not what I need!
Parent: I feel like it’s almost as if I put a timer on it in my head. I’m like, Okay, she’s cried for 15 minutes now. Now it’s time to console her. That’s long enough. Now it’s time to jump in.
Janet Lansbury: But then you’ve got it popping up again and again.
Parent: Yes, exactly.
Janet Lansbury: Because it’s still going. But that’s understandable because she’s so little, right? She’s so tiny and it’s scary. You’ve also said that she is wonderfully self-expressive and she’s one of these girls that’s going to not let anyone mess with her in her life.
Parent: Everyone better watch out.
Janet Lansbury: That’s right! Mine are like that too. And it’s a positive thing, but it’s a little bit harder to deal with at this stage because she’s coming out big here. She’s showing you that she has this will and that she’s not going to take things lightly. She can be explosive. That scares a lot of us parents when children are like that, because to us, that can kind of tap into all these things: if you had a parent that was sometimes like that or if your spouse was like that. Children have all these emotions and some of them we feel safer with. This anger one, this kind of lashing out one, is harder for us to feel safe about.
But that’s the challenge that I believe will really, really help if you can try to take that on, even just a little bit. Seeing this differently and seeing that when she’s in that feeling, I don’t know what exactly you’re doing there besides trying to console her. I mean, are you feeling like, Ugh, I hope this ends soon! That would be normal. I feel like that. What is your countenance? What’s going on in your mind?
Parent: Usually at the beginning of it, I already expect that she’s going to get angry. If I say no, if I take something, if she’s just frustrated, I already know, I already see it coming. So typically I just let her express herself. And then depending on what it was, if it’s something that I took away, then I try to explain just a little, but keep it really short. At that point, she often becomes more angry and will throw something or maybe try and bite or something like that. And so I kind of move away and just continue with whatever I was doing while she’s in the same room. For me at that time, I’m just going over the situation, making sure I’m doing the right things and then also wondering exactly what you said. Is this going to be over soon? I have so many other things I need to get done! All of those sorts of things.
And then a lot of times if it’s too far, as far as the biting and then she’s biting herself or hitting her head or something like that, then that part gets scary to me. I kind of wonder, Is this okay? Is this normal? Is this not okay for her to be hurting herself? And I get more concerned about it.
Janet Lansbury: That is a really tough one, almost tougher than you getting hurt, is that she’s hurting herself. It’s something that children, maybe they have this impulse once and then it becomes—because they feel all of our feelings, right? They’re so aware of how we feel at any given time. They can’t analyze it or anything like that, but they’re picking up the vibrations of it. She did this once as she’s lashing out angrily, and then she felt that this really impacted you, so now that’s causing her to do it more. That’s the hard thing, is to turn this around. So I want to talk about that, but it is kind of part of how I wanted to suggest that you might try approaching all the feelings, all the ways that she’s expressing it. And then from there we’ll talk about that one. Because that one is one of the hardest ones, but it’s an extension of the rest of this.
What I’m suggesting, what I believe in my experience will help her to even move through it faster is instead of feeling—I don’t know if you’re even kind of flinching in the beginning when you’re setting the boundary, because it sounds like you’re already ready for her to get upset. So we can be almost tentative about that sometimes. It’s good to anticipate that, but from a place of strength. Where you feel like, Okay, this is going to open up her valve and she’s going to go big like she does and go strong, but that’s actually going to help her move through this better and faster. And so that’s not a bad thing that I’m doing wrong as a mom.
This is going to take a lot of self-talk and you thinking about this and really trying to image it differently. In a way you’re putting on a therapist hat in the room, like your therapist does maybe. You almost want her to blow up, because then she’s going to really let go of a lot that’s inside her. You’re not putting it inside her when you say no. It’s already there, and you’re doing something that gives her the natural ability to blast out some of what’s already inside her. We don’t cause it, it’s actually the opposite.
So starting from there and then when she goes, instead of just sort of waiting or whatever, you’re blocking her as best you can, like what you tell your son to do. And he sounds like a lovely, sweet, incredible brother. Everybody should have a big brother like that.
Parent: He really is.
Janet Lansbury: You do that, but with the approach that you want her to share this. So if you do acknowledge, if there’s a pause in her screaming or whatever she’s doing and you have a moment to just say, “Yeah, you didn’t want me to say no!” or “You wanted that!” Whatever it is, you don’t have to say “you’re angry” or “you’re this or that emotion.” Just, Yeah, tell me how much you wanted it! kind of thing.
Parent: I would say I’ve only done that maybe a few times. And I think the reason why I didn’t continue is because it did scare me. Because it was like she watched me and then she started doing a different activity that was also angry, maybe then slamming her fists on the wall or something. Which makes sense, she’s going to continue just letting it all out.
Janet Lansbury: If it’s something that’s not safe like that—I mean, children won’t really seriously hurt themselves doing this stuff, even at her age. But if it’s something that’s really unsafe, like she’s touching something that could actually hurt her. Or even let’s say you’re not comfortable, it’s totally understandable that you wouldn’t be comfortable with an 18-month-old pounding the wall like that, hurting herself that way, maybe. So just going close calmly, not rushing in as soon as she starts like you’re feeling urgent about it. But from that mentality of, Yeah, you need to get this out, you really do. And you’ve got a right to feel however you feel. When you’re mad about something or when you’re not getting what you want, I don’t mind hearing about it. I’m big and strong. In your mind, you’re thinking this way. I’m big and strong and you’re a little tiny, tiny girl and I can take it. I can help you. I’m not going to let you hurt me. And maybe it’s holding her wrists as gently as you can, just slowing it down a little so you’re comfortable. But doing the least thing that you can, so that you can show her that you’re not afraid of this.
Imagine again that you’re that therapist in the room and this is kind of what you’ve been working towards with this client, wanting them to really share themselves. That that’s going to bond you even more than you’re already bonded. It sounds like you have a lovely bond, but she’ll feel, Wow, my mom could even contain this. Me at my worst. My mom didn’t try to hug me out of it or talk me out of it or hold me out of it. She was like, Yeah, tell me how mad you are that I said this little random thing, whatever boundary you set.
And knowing in yourself that this isn’t about that one thing. Again, you didn’t cause this. It’s already in there and it needs to come out. And life caused it. Maybe what you’re going through in your life, but everybody has a version of this. And some children also at this age have that kind of temperament that she has, it sounds like. I think it’s a gift. They’re going to come out really strong like this about everything, the intensity that’s inside her. So it’s not even just what she’s absorbed, it’s her own intense spirit of This is me and I don’t like this!
Parent: Yes.
Janet Lansbury: It’s a good thing. You don’t have to say anything in particular. It’s going to be in your whole body, it’s going to be in your attitude, if you start re-messaging to yourself that this is how you’re going to see this. Maybe she looks at you and you’re just nodding your head a little bit. It helps remind me that I’m accepting, accepting, accepting, and I’m not trying to push back on it in some way.
Sometimes when we talk, it’s still going to come from that place of, like you said, explaining. The explaining I would do right at the get-go when you’re setting a limit. “Oh, I can’t let you do that. That’s not safe.” But once she’s already gone into her feelings like this, don’t explain. Because that does make them madder, just like consoling makes them madder. You’re not letting me tell you! Why are you trying to stop me from telling you?
Parent: Okay.
Janet Lansbury: And it is a physiological response, so she can’t process the words anyway. All she knows is that you’re talking when she needs to be the one sharing right now.
Parent: That makes sense. My parents are in town and they’ve been just avoiding saying no to her because they know. You can see it coming if you get ready to take something. She’ll do a pose like she’s going to freak out and then she waits to see if you’re going to actually take it or not. So it’s become kind of almost like they’re fearful of her reaction.
Janet Lansbury: Yeah. Well, all that means is that there’s going to be more of a buildup there because of that for you. Because now it feels like people are walking around her on tenterhooks a little bit, and that’s probably making her feel even more unsafe and out of control.
Parent: What about at school?
Janet Lansbury: What is she like at school?
Parent: I asked them about the biting when she first started with me. That was the part that I meant has gotten worse, is that she started biting the teachers and the other students. And sometimes it’s angry, sometimes it’s play. But you can definitely tell that she knows that’s not what she should do.
Janet Lansbury: Yeah, I mean that’s an excitable reaction a lot of the time. Most behavior that children do, even at her age, they know it’s not okay, but their impulse is taking over. Their feelings, their self-regulation abilities that aren’t there really at this age very often, but that’s what’s getting in the way and that’s what’s causing that. But it’s not like they think this is a fine thing to do. She doesn’t think it’s good to hurt you, she doesn’t think you want her to scream. She knows that’s not what you want her to do.
The fact that it’s coming out there just means that she just needs more help at home with you. And also that this is a stressful situation, because a group of children is a more stressful situation. Not that she can’t handle it, but maybe right now it’s really hard for her. And I wonder how they’re handling it. Do they tell you?
Parent: They just tell me that they remind her that she can’t bite other people. They usually will make sure they separate the child that she bit or move them away and just tell them “You can’t bite friends” is usually how they phrase it. They just remind her that, “We don’t bite” or that it’s not okay for her to bite her friends or her teachers. And that’s pretty much all they do.
Janet Lansbury: Did they seem overwhelmed by it?
Parent: They just said that they noticed it and that it’s something that I need to remind her of at home as well, because they know that she bit her brother. So they were just saying that’s something to keep reminding her, that that’s not okay for her to bite people.
Janet Lansbury: That’s actually speaking to what you already said—and I agree with you is true—which is that she does know it’s not okay. But they’re trying to tell her, Well, if we just tell her more, she’s going to be able to stop. That’s not going to help her as much as someone saying, Wow, you’re having a hard time with this biting thing and we’re here to keep you safe. This is the best kind of reminder to give. And maybe there’s something else that she can bite, maybe put a little teething ring on a chain or something that they could say, “You want to bite this when you feel like biting?” In a way, normalizing that feeling, that impulse to bite. But continuously telling her something she already knows is not going to help her feel more comfortable. Biting is a sign of discomfort.
I believe that if you allow more of this at home—not the biting, but I mean stopping her, but allowing her to share: Oh, you want to bite, you want to hit, you want to hurt me, when she’s lashing out like that. Or, Oh, you want to hit the wall. Even if you’re not necessarily saying those words, you’re in that attitude with her. I’m here for you, I’m going to keep you safe. And I see you and it’s okay to feel the way that you feel, is basically the message. We can’t let you act on it in these certain ways. But yeah, you’ve got that feeling! And that’s got to be totally acceptable for her to be able to process it. She doesn’t control that part and she can barely control the behavior either at this age, sometimes she can’t at all. So being that backup for her, being that support for her.
Maybe there’s something you can do also with the school in the meantime where you ask them to see if they can notice what’s happening when she does that. I don’t know how their staffing is. Do you know how many children are in her group?
Parent: I want to say there’s about 10 or so, but there’s usually at least three teachers. So plenty of teachers always around.
Janet Lansbury: Good. So if somebody could track her a little bit and just see what’s causing that. Because a lot of times it’s some child is too close, in her face, or she didn’t like what happened and she doesn’t have another way to express it. And if somebody was there, they could not only block her or catch it right away, but say to her, “Oh, you didn’t like that he did that,” or “Was that too close?” or “Looks like that made you feel out of control, like you want to bite.” And it’s not like we’re thinking of the perfect words to say. It’s again, being on her side and wanting to help her with something that’s out of her control at the moment.
Parent: I think she’s always had some of this anger, which I do think the way you have spoken about dealing with it is a much better way than I’ve been doing. I think the biting may have been something that came about after her brother bit her. I was very excitable about it, I guess. I was just really like, “No, you can’t bite your sister. I can’t believe you bit her. You’re four, you know better! Why would you do that?” Gave it a lot of tension. So maybe that’s where the biting bit of it initially came from.
Janet Lansbury: That’s perceptive of you to notice that. Then, as you said, the attention kind of fuels it in a way.
Parent: Yes.
Janet Lansbury: So that’s true with anything. And it can be a tension in us being afraid about it. It can be a tension in us saying, “Stop hurting yourself” or just “Don’t do that. We can’t let you do that.” Instead of like, “Okay, you’re doing that,” where you want to help. It will all boil down to how you’re seeing the behavior. And when he did it too, it was an impulsive thing. Maybe she was bothering him. Right?
Parent: His excuse was that he thought she wanted him to bite. They were just playing nicely, actually. I just came over and I saw him biting her, she didn’t even cry. But he’s like, “I thought she wanted me to.”
Janet Lansbury: Was he biting her hard?
Parent: It was enough to where there were teeth marks.
Janet Lansbury: Wow.
Parent: But she wasn’t crying, she was just sitting there.
Janet Lansbury: Hmm, I don’t know if I believe he thought she wanted him to.
Parent: No, no, of course not.
Janet Lansbury: But it’s a good answer. That’s a good answer.
Parent: A four-year-old answer he came up with that he thought would help.
Janet Lansbury: Yeah, I think he was testing something out or just had an impulse or just was exploring with some of his excitement. And again, the biting, it can come from a really positive—in a way, it’s not positive in that it’s comfortable or healthy necessarily—but it’s an excitement that can be, I’m having so much fun, I need to bite! So it’s not just that I’m upset, it’s just that I’m out of control. Something’s too much for me right now. And then if you gave it a lot of attention, then maybe that became a thing for her. But again, it’s just an impulse that children have. Even if they’ve never seen anyone do it, they do it. I mean, babies do it on the nipple and stuff. Sometimes it’s an urge.
And then if she’s doing other things that look like hurting herself, again, do the least thing. If she’s hitting her head on the floor, if children were doing this in the classes that I teach, I would just take a little something soft, like a little blanket, and I would just put it under their head without even saying anything. A little something to soften it up, so that I wasn’t fueling it with Don’t do that! and I can’t let you do that! I mean, it’s hard to control what children do, and if we just say, “I can’t let you do something like that,” she’s still going to have the urge to do it.
What we want is for her to not have the urge to do that, right? And that’ll be when she feels like it’s really not a big deal and it’s not getting anybody excited or upset. And I know it’s hard to think that way, but that’s what makes it stop. So that’s actually the safest thing to do, is just to do the slightest thing while you’re still encouraging her to share the feeling, but you’re just going to make it safer for her to do it that way.
Parent: Okay. I mean, I think that’ll help all of us. It stresses me out a lot to where I’m like, I’m not unruffled right now. I’m very ruffled in this moment!
Janet Lansbury: What else can I offer you to help you feel less ruffled? Because that’s the whole thing right there.
Parent: I think for me it’s the amount, the frequency that she gets upset. It’s just like, I can take some of it, but then eventually it starts to wear on me, I think. Because she is expressive about so, so many different things. So I think in my mind, I feel like I need to fix something just so I can have some sort of calm around at some points of the day.
Janet Lansbury: But that’s the thing: that feeling that this is somehow your responsibility is what makes us impatient about it, because we’re not comfortable. If there’s a way, and it’s never going to be all the way that direction, but if there was a way to believe in it a little more as a healthy thing and not something bad that’s happening that you have to wait out. Just, Oh gosh, here you go. Not that you’re not going to be there for her, but in your heart, life is going on still. You’re not just stopping everything to wait for this bad thing to stop. It’s allowing this healthy thing to flow, and if you have to move her or take her somewhere, then you do that while you’re saying, “Oh no, you don’t want to. Oh, oh, I’m not going to let you hit me. But yeah, you’re still upset about that.” I mean, I know it probably sounds impossible. It probably sounds impossible.
We all need the calm around us, but it’s a little easier when we can start to perceive this as this heroic thing we’re doing, that we’re allowing, instead of this thing that’s ruining our day. And I don’t know, I guess someone could take that out of context and say, “Oh, Janet’s being so cold and heartless.” But if we can normalize all the feelings that children have, even the way they express them while we help them with that, keep them safe, keep other people safe, then they can move through life without getting stuck in these places. Without feeling like their world crumbles a little bit when they go there.
And I know all the doubts, because I’ve worked with a lot of children. Something always happens when I go to do a consultation or often in my classes, it’s like the child is having this breakthrough of the most scary meltdowns that you could imagine. There’s always a voice in me that says, Oh gosh, probably this parent thinks that you’re an awful, mean person or heartless. And every single time, it turns out to be the opposite of that, that the child relaxes after and we see a change. It seems like the child is freer. They’re not burdened with all of this control that they have over everybody. Her grandparents kind of tiptoeing around her and being afraid to say no, that’s scary.
Parent: Yeah.
Janet Lansbury: If adults are like that with you, it’s like, What am I, a time bomb? What’s going on here? That’s disquieting, you can imagine, for somebody that’s only one-and-a-half.
Parent: For sure.
Janet Lansbury: How do I have all this power, that my whole world is afraid of me? That’s scary for me.
Parent: And she does. She has a lot of power in our family.
Janet Lansbury: Well, we want her to have power in your family in the most positive way that makes everyone feel happy and good and proud of her, and she’s going to have that too. We can free up more of that when we’re the adults that aren’t afraid of an 18-month-old’s temper, that she’s going to work to her advantage someday and is not a problem.
Parent: Right, yeah.
Janet Lansbury: It’s her self-healing mechanism that’s going on. And she sounds like she’s got all the support that she needs, that you’ve been able to give her, even though you’ve had this situation and you’re the single mom and you’re working during the day, right?
Parent: Yes, yes. I work full time.
Janet Lansbury: In spite of that, it’s obvious that she feels very supported. And she has the grandparents too. It’s okay if they’re kind of mushy with her, but just if you could know that there’s an impact, it’s temporary, but them tiptoeing around her is going to affect her feelings of safety.
Parent: Okay. Yeah, I could definitely talk to them. I mean, part of why they’re like that is I gave them a heads-up that, Hey, she might try to bite you. She might do this, she might do that. So I kind of contributed to that buildup of Don’t upset her!
Janet Lansbury: Yeah. Well, would they be reactive if she did, yell at her or something? That would be a normal thing to do.
Parent: No, typically it would be if she did something like that, they would be more of feeling sorry for her and trying to console her.
Janet Lansbury: Oh, they sound so lovely.
Parent: Yeah, it would just be like, “Oh, my poor baby. What upset you to that point?”
Janet Lansbury: Wow. Well, she’s got all the support that she could ever want right there, with all of you and even just you. It’s obvious. You’re giving her all she needs, but she’s just got some stuff she’s working through right now. The more you welcome that and see it as positive, the easier it’s going to be for her.
Parent: Letting her get it all out.
Janet Lansbury: And she’s probably always going to be a bit of a flarer of feelings. So you’re getting to know her now and you’re going to get more and more used to that. That’s the way she rolls. It’s not convenient, it doesn’t always feel great, but you can be that person for her that knows that you can handle it and gives her that message.
Parent: I definitely want to be that person for her.
Janet Lansbury: Well, you can. You’re like two steps away. It’s a practice. It’s never going to feel like we’ve totally got it. I don’t feel like that about the feelings my kids have and they’re all adults. I don’t feel like it never bothers me, that I just know it’s safe and I always say the right thing and I’m totally welcoming of it. No, it’s never going to be like that, but we can get there a little bit, and our children will only benefit.
And maybe just with the school, I would say, could we talk about what might be causing this? What might be happening right before she does this, if there’s a pattern? And what we can do to give her more space sometimes or help her to not get overstimulated, all the things that can cause that.
Parent: Yeah, that’d be good to know, for sure.
Janet Lansbury: Is there anything else you want to talk to me about?
Parent: I think you pretty much answered everything. My only other concern, which I kind of mentioned in there, is just her brother. I just feel like there’s so much attention around her and her moods, and he is even cautious of her moods.
Janet Lansbury: Mm-hmm, because you are.
Parent: Yes.
Janet Lansbury: And his grandparents are.
Parent: Yeah, so he joins that. But I think it creates his own different kinds of issues and it’s hard for me to find balance and be able to give him as much as I think he needs as well.
Janet Lansbury: I’m so glad you brought this up, because this is another reason to start normalizing for yourself that she’s going to blow her top often and that it’s a really good, positive thing for her to do that. Because you’re not going to give it as much attention and you’re not going to be worried about it, which he’s picking up on. You’re not going to be focused on it like, Oh gosh, I’ve got to help her feel better and console her. You’re not going to be putting any energy into that part. You’re only going to be putting energy into accepting that she’s like this and doing your best to keep her safe. He might get some bumps and hits, but you’re just going to do your best, without having an urgent reaction, to keep both of them safe. But you’re not buying into, This is our day, this girl’s mood. You’re not letting that happen.
And sometimes she’ll be yelling and you’ll be focusing on him, if it’s helping him with his shoes or his anything. It’s really okay to just turn to her and nod like, “Oh, no. Yeah, there you go.” And turning back to him and finishing what you’re doing, so that she doesn’t have the power to interrupt you with him when you’re doing caregiving things together, when you’re having a moment. The more you can let her know, through not giving her the power to take you away from him or take you away from anything like that, that’s going to make her feel better, it’s going to make him feel better. And it will make you feel better when you see it through a few times and see how safe it is and how it’s really okay for her to flop on the ground and be mad while you’re doing something with him.
Parent: Okay, yeah. Usually it’s me rushing through things with him so I can get to her.
Janet Lansbury: No, don’t let her rush you. For her, it’s this feeling of uncomfortable power that she’s picking up, that she can rush you, that she can scare you. That’s what’s creating more of what you don’t want. It’s like the cure is to give him more attention and not let her interrupt you. You’re not going to be unreasonable. I hear you, I already have a sense of who you are. You’re not going to be like, “I’m just going to ignore you.” You’re never going to do that. But helping him know that sometimes he’s the most important one and letting her know that sometimes she is and sometimes she’s not. She can handle it, she really can. She’s showing that she kind of needs that, because she’s feeling way too much uncomfortable power right now.
Finishing with him. And I would say this even if she was a baby crying that needed something. You could tell the difference if it’s an emergency, and there aren’t that many of those. Have safe places she can be, a room or whatever, and just say, “Now I’m going to go in here and help your brother. I’ll be right back.” If she wants to follow you, let her follow you, but don’t let her stop you. Even if it’s really messy a couple of times, it’s like you’re giving her a message. So she’s pulling on you and you’re saying, “Oh, I’m going to move your hand. I’m not going to let you. Okay, what were we doing? We were finishing this” with him, normalizing that. Then she’ll start hitting her head on the floor, anything to kind of check it out. And I believe in her heart of hearts, she’ll be hoping that you don’t empower her with this kind of uncomfortable power.
Parent: That makes sense.
Janet Lansbury: That you stick to it. And that’s so good for your son as well, he deserves that.
Parent: He does. He definitely does.
Janet Lansbury: Even the sitting-on-the-lap thing, this is something with siblings. Maybe he’s on your lap and now she comes over, “Ahh, I need to be on your lap!” Let her cry right there and just, “Oh, wow. You’re not pleased with this situation.” No matter how unreasonable it is, just allow her to voice her side of things, but, “No, he’s here with me now and this is what we’re doing. When he’s done, I can’t wait to have you up here with me.” Letting her melt down right there while you breathe and just think, I’m doing this really important thing. I’m not trying to train her in some artificial way. It’s just life and me having two children and loving both my children.
Parent: Yes. I need to remember that I’m doing something important because it’s really hard to sit with her having so many feelings all the time. It makes me want to do something to help, which, it’s not helping.
Janet Lansbury: Right, exactly, this is what will help her to feel better. Because she’ll start to feel her place in the family, instead of this giant, scary person in the family that rules everybody and she’s only one. She’ll be like, Oh, okay. I’m a little kid with a lot of strong feelings. And that’s okay, I’m accepted. You’re not getting mad at her for having the feelings. I am accepted, I’m okay, I’m safe. But I’m not the whole house. I’m not everything to everybody. That’s what she needs to feel better.
Parent: Okay.
Janet Lansbury: I’m so glad you brought that up.
Parent: I will definitely try. I mean, like you said, it takes practice.
Janet Lansbury: It takes practice to have that experience where now you remember, Oh, that was the right thing to do, even though it felt so counterintuitive in a way. The more you practice it, the more you’ll be like, Okay, this worked the other time and it helped and it was okay. The roof didn’t fall down. She didn’t crumble into a million pieces. Everything was okay, so I can do this again. It won’t take that long if you really believe it. Baby steps.
Parent: Definitely baby steps.
Janet Lansbury: And it’s time. And bringing up the boy was perfect because that’s just more encouragement for you to do it this way.
Parent: Yeah. That’ll definitely encourage me, because I do let her tell me when she needs to be picked up and constantly hold her when I need to do other things.
Janet Lansbury: No.
Parent: She’s in the bathroom, she’s with me, if she doesn’t want to eat, if I’m cooking. Everywhere, all the time.
Janet Lansbury: Nope. That’s how you got where you are and go back to putting the oxygen mask on yourself first. You’re the mom. It’s really important that you get to go to the bathroom by yourself, that you get to do this. And she’s not a fragile thing, she is a strong girl. And she’s not going to ever say, “Mom, go to the bathroom. Have a nice time.” Never! And he probably won’t either, even though he is a nice guy. You’ve got to be the one to show them that you have boundaries. And it will help them with theirs, it will help them with other people in their lives. It’s the best gift you can give them, is to take care of yourself. I’m not talking about big fancy things, going to the spa, going on a trip. That would be nice, but this is the moment-to-moment.
And the key to it is everything we just talked about: that it’s really positive for her to say no to what you want or what you need to do for her or anything. It’s really, really positive for her to object in her strong, scary ways. That’s being a parent to a child that’s strong like this, or any child.
Parent: She has a big personality and I can’t be afraid of it.
Janet Lansbury: That’s right. If your mom’s afraid of you and you’re 18 months, you’re in trouble.
Parent: Yes.
Janet Lansbury: And she knows that, so don’t let her have those messages. Let her be a little child. Let her be that child with all the feelings.
Parent: Yeah, thank you.
Janet Lansbury: You’re so welcome, and I believe in you. You’ve got everything you need to be able to do this, it’s just believing in yourself. Start with these small things, that’ll help. Start with just going to the bathroom or just doing these reasonable little things. Not picking her up. “I’m not going to pick you up. You really want me to pick you up, but I’m still going over here and putting the groceries away. And you still want me to pick you up.” You don’t have to say it every second, but it’s okay for her to still feel something about it. You’re going to keep going. Not without caring about her feelings, you’re just not going to let them stop you.
Parent: Okay.
Janet Lansbury: That’s what she needs to feel. Phew, I’ve got a leader. That’s what helped me, is seeing it that way. Somebody helped me see it that way, and once I started doing that, I realized that being more permissive was not really loving my strong daughter.
Parent: No, it’s not.
Janet Lansbury: Because I didn’t want to set boundaries. I mean, I’m the last person to want to upset anyone. I’ve come a long way and that’s why I have so much conviction in this.
Parent: I’m the same way.
Janet Lansbury: Well, if I can do it, anyone can do it.
Parent: Thank you. I so appreciate your help. I really, really do.
Janet Lansbury: Check back in with me and let me know how it’s going.
Parent: I will, I absolutely will. Thank you for having me.
Janet Lansbury: I believe in you. You can do it.
Parent: Thank you.
Janet Lansbury: For much more on this topic, please check out my books. They’re on Amazon: No Bad Kids and Elevating Child Care. And check out my course for a real deep dive: nobadkidscourse.com.
Thank you so much for listening. We can do this.
Originally published by Janet Lansbury on September 10, 2024
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