I recently posted here about being incredibly burnt out and exhausted, not knowing how to get out of that situation, but hoping it would happen soon. Things have improved a little bit; I don’t feel like I am drowning quite as much, but there’s still this huge weight on me.
In therapy a few days ago, I was discussing what I’ve been going through with my therapist, and came to the conclusion. I’ve gotta get out of Dodge. Just kidding. Sort of.
One thing that has been missing in my life for the past 5 years has been a solo trip abroad. The last time I went on a solo trip abroad was March 2020. The last time I went away anywhere alone was April 2021. After years of being “trapped” in this country because of first Covid then my ex, I finally went abroad with my kids, first with them all to Cyprus in January of 2024 and then with my son in December 2024 to Georgia.
But what I haven’t done is gone on a trip alone. Abroad.
Twice already in the past few months I booked trips abroad, first to Malta and then to Bucharest, Romania, and both of them got canceled because flights out of my country were grounded for different reasons. Now flights have resumed, but only more expensive airlines.
And my daughter asked me “Mommy, if you need a break, why don’t you just take a vacation in our country?”
You know, it is a good question. Because for me, a vacation in the country or a vacation out of the country with my kids doesn’t fulfill the need.
I’ve spoken to other people about this, and for them, they don’t have this need, and they’re curious about the need in me. I realized after a lot of thinking that this need of mine is actually a trauma response.
Feeling trapped in my country
I came to the country I live in to get married, and it was a very hard and unhealthy marriage. In addition to all the marital strife, we were very broke, hence starting this blog when I was, in fact, penniless. (Fortunately, not anymore.)
And I felt trapped. Because I struggled with where we lived. In large part because we thought we never would be able to buy a house (and we only managed because my mother gave us the down payment, but that came with its own set of problems) because of prices here. But moving anywhere wasn’t an option either because we had no money for a move. I felt trapped in a situation that wasn’t of my choosing, especially since I came to where I lived for a marriage that didn’t feel worth the sacrifice.
Because of our dire financial situation, anything other than the bare minimum we needed to survive was off the table, and then we were able to spend a little more and a little more on other things, but trips were a luxury that was unthinkable then. So for the first 11 years of my adult life, I was basically trapped in a country I didn’t like, with no way of leaving, not even for a short trip. (Some of you may recall that I did actually go on a work trip to the US when I was pregnant with Rose, but that wasn’t a fun trip, it was all work and no play.)
So there’s the aspect of being stuck somewhere I didn’t like.
Trauma from my early years of parenting
In addition to that, when my kids were little I didn’t take care of myself at all. I completely neglected and negated my needs, trying to be everything for my kids. I had a difficult childhood and wanted to make my kids’ childhood as best as possible, so did everything for them and not considering my needs.
I nursed all my kids, and they weren’t easy regarding that. They never slept large chunks of time in addition to not sleeping through the night until well over a year and a half, and wanted to nurse each time they woke up. So by the time they went to sleep at night, I was trapped at home, because without me to nurse them they wouldn’t fall back asleep. My then husband wouldn’t contribute to try to help them fall back asleep without me, he just said “They want you.” They refused a bottle, and he wouldn’t work hard to get them to take a bottle from him. Just said “They want to nurse” and handed them to me.
I not only felt trapped, I was trapped at home with my children, trapped to my children.
I hated nursing past the age of one, once my kids started doing acrobatics while nursing, but I continued because I felt they needed it and of course when it came to Mommy’s needs vs kiddo’s needs, Mommy’s didn’t matter.
Essentially, in addition to feeling trapped somewhere I didn’t like, I felt smothered by my kids. I was desperate to get away but I wouldn’t because that wasn’t what my kids needed.
I have legitimate trauma from that time in my life, to the extent that I see someone nursing a kid doing acrobatics and I get triggered. I would hear a baby crying and I’d get triggered.
How therapy helped
Fortunately, I have been in therapy for years, and one of the first things we worked on was self-care, actually paying attention to my needs and not negating myself for the sake of my kids or anyone else. I remember one of my early assignments in therapy was going to buy myself something that wasn’t a need. I remember how challenging it was to buy myself a cheap necklace. This was so incredibly challenging, since I’d made myself basically invisible for years.
In addition, I felt I was a bad mother if I wasn’t giving my kids my all. But it wasn’t healthy, and it led me to being incredibly burnt out, and eventually I’d lose my cool and that wasn’t good for my kids either.
With therapy, I learned that since I came from an unhealthy childhood, I basically went on the other extreme end, trying to give my kids everything I could possibly, but that wasn’t good for them or for me. I needed to learn to give them limits, and to find the middle ground where I am taking care of them as well as myself. This is something I’ve been working on for years, and I’ve gotten a lot better, but it is still something I find challenging.
So for me, telling my kids that I love them, and I understand they don’t want me to leave them, but I need to do it for my sake, is something very important to me and good for my kids as well, because in addition to teaching them to care for someone else’s needs, it also models for them that when they are parents, they also will need to balance taking care of their needs with their children’s.
The solution
Once I found out about cheap flights abroad, and that I could actually afford to leave the country, it helped my not feeling trapped anymore. In addition to having gotten used to the country I live in to the point that I wouldn’t move back to the US even if I had that as an option, once I knew that I wasn’t stuck and I could leave, it made me feel less smothered and made it much easier for me to live here.
I also have a need for adventure and exploring, something I’ve discussed here before, which is why I’m always making dishes from around the world, and going abroad allows me to get that need to explore and have new experiences.
Then there’s the fact that in order for me to not feel trapped with my kids, I need to get as far away from them as I can. I remember the first time I went abroad, on my trip to Poland, I was walking through the countryside and my kids called me up, trying to get me to help them, and my first instinct was to figure out solutions, despite being on vacation in another country, but I didn’t have a lot of minutes available on my phone to talk, so being able to say “You can figure it out on your own, or ask Dad to help; Mommy can’t help you, bye,” was incredibly helpful for my healing journey.
The one time I took a vacation in my country alone, my kids called me up to help them, and there was a part of me that wanted to swoop in, leave early from my vacation, and come back to help them, since they were having a hard time. It was only because I was literally in quarantine because I had corona that I was able to be firm and not be tempted to come back home to take care of them out of guilt.
Therefore, going away alone out of the country is the solution to both of these issues of mine, which is why taking a trip with a kid or kids, while enjoyable, doesn’t solve the issue which is the need to be alone, taking a break from the stress of parenting, and just taking care of me.
Because of this, despite the fact that currently airfare is expensive, I’ve decided that I will be taking a trip anyhow. Among the cheapest of the expensive flights, mind you, but it’s necessary. Necessary for me to get out of this rut of burnout, to take care of me fully and completely, get as far away as possible from my regular life, and take a break from parenting. For at least a week. I haven’t booked a flight yet, but will be soon.
I don’t know yet exactly where I’ll end up going (but I suspect it’ll be either Poland or Greece), but what I do know is that I need this. A trip isn’t just a luxury for me, it’s part of how I heal and refill my cup so I can keep showing up for my kids and for myself. It feels scary to prioritize me, but also really empowering. So here’s to taking that leap, booking the ticket, and finally giving myself the break I’ve needed for far too long.
Do you take vacations alone? How often? Do you find they help you be a better parent?