“Why is it so hard to find information about this?” my clients in peri/menopause ask me with earnest desperation. My usual retort? “Well, consider the fact 100 years ago, the average life expectancy for women was 60. So, the minute someone started to complain of hot flashes or night sweats, funerals were planned”.
It’s not just my dark attempt at humor. It’s a comment on just how behind the state of women’s reproductive health is as compared to that of men’s. There are enormous disparities in research because up until very recently, all of it was being suggested, administered, evaluated and authored by men. This has huge implications for practice and care. Consider that – even today – medical students spend one day or less on menopause throughout their ENTIRE training career.
Fortunately, there are many doctors, scientists, educators and activists who are speaking out in support of women and the care we require in order to live whole and healthful lives. Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, conversations about peri/menopause seem to be everywhere! Social media, tv, film, print – you name it. We’re finally having our day in the sun! Even some celebrities have gotten into the game: Naomi Watts, Gwyneth Paltrow, Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, Stacey London…the list goes on. They’re helping to validate our experiences and promote awareness of the issues, which is a far cry from where we were just a few short years ago.
But…before you take advice from Tik Tok or a book that promises something that seems too good to be true, think critically:
Is the information you’re consuming provided by a Certified Menopause Practitioner? The North American Menopause Society, or NAMS, is a good place to seek out information and a list of providers.
Are the tips you see on an Insta account evidence-based (and if that’s the claim, can you independently prove it)?
When you visit a website, or listen to an influencer promote a product, does it seem way more committed to taking your money for products that don’t have scientific backing than actually giving you solid advice?
Here at Maze, our Certified Menopause Practitioners are experts at treating both your physical symptoms (such as hot flashes, low libido and weight gain) as well as emotional symptoms (including anxiety, depression and lack of motivation). Together, our team works to support your path toward feeling better, particularly if your peri/menopause symptoms are disrupting your quality of life.
The recent Supreme Court decision in FDA v. Alliance for Hippocratic Medicine did not “restore” mifepristone access. The justices didn’t “dismiss” the case. And yet that’s what some media have been claiming.
Join Jess and Imani in this mythbusting mifepristone episode and what they’re predicting comes next.
Rewire News Group is a nonprofit media organization, which means that episodes like this one is only made possible with the support of listeners like you! If you can, please join our team by donatinghere.
And sign up forThe Fallout, a weekly newsletter written by Jess that’s exclusively dedicated to covering every aspect of this unprecedented moment.
Pegging refers to a sex act where a woman anally penetrates her partner with strap-on dildo. While pegging is usually referred to in a heterosexual context where a woman penetrates a man, it can happen between people of all genders, such as lesbians who strap on for their female partners to peg them anally or vaginally or a trans man strapping on for a woman.
When Did Pegging Come About?
The concept of having sex with a strap-on may seem risqué, but people have been masturbating and having sex with inantimate objects for thousands of years.
Although the name has changed over time, prostate stimulation and strap-on dildos have been used throughout history by heterosexual women and men who had a difficult time maintaining an erection. Strap-on sex can be confirmed in records and artifacts all the way back to around 12,000 years ago in ancient China, and then through the millennia in France, Greece, ancient Rome, and England.
Pegging arose in Western mainstream media when porn movies showing women anally penetrating men in the 1970s began to circulate.
In the early 1990s, prostate play became more accepted, especially in European countries, and instructive videos and pamphlets came out illustrating ways to massage the prostate with toys or manually with a finger. The prostate was sometimes called the “A-spot,” the “P-spot,” or the male G-spot, and anal play became mainstream.
The term “pegging” became official in 2001, when seminal sex columnist Dan Savage ran a contest in his blockbuster ‘Savage Love’ column to find a catchy term for this sexual practice that appeared to be gaining traction in mainstream chatter.
Why Pegging Feels Good (For Givers and Receivers)
Some men like being penetrated with a strap-on dildo thanks to the prostate, aka the male G-spot, a gland the size of a walnut located 2-3 inches in the anus that is packed with powerful nerve endings. The right kind of stimulation can result in full-body orgasms that some say are more complex than ejaculating by penis stimulation.
Historically, a trick for sex workers to get their clients to ejaculate was by slipping a finger into their anus while administering oral or vaginal sex. Beyond the physiological reason of prostate stimulation, some men also enjoy the “naughtiness” of this type of sex act, or get aroused by it as an act of submission in a BDSM context.
Women who love to peg men may also get a thrill from feeling what it is like to have a penis, or get an erotic power rush by being in the stereotypically dominant position. Giving pleasure to their partner is often a huge turn-on as well, and having your male partner enjoy being in a more vulnerable position can be a bonding experience for both partners.
Plus, the clitoris can rub against the dildo or the partner’s rear, offering additional sensation for the pegger. For those looking for more stimulation while they are pegging their partner, there are also double-ended dildos and vibrators so both parties can receive intense sensations simultaneously.
Pegging Tips
For ladies who have engaged in anal sex, a lot of the preparation and tips are similar, except that you are on the giving end. It’s important to go slow and make sure your partner is comfortable so that you don’t cause them discomfort. Here are some other tips for a successful pegging session:
Use lots of lube: Remember that a strap-on may have more friction than a real penis, so use plenty of lube both on the dildo as well as in and around your partner’s anus.
Let your partner take the lead: If you’re not pros, start out each session by letting the receiving partner have full control over the depth and speed of their penetration. Rather than thrusting into them, first let them push back against you while you are stationary, so that they can get accustomed to the sensation on their own terms and stop if it’s uncomfortable.
Don’t start thrusting right away: After you penetrate your partner, wait for half a minute or so until the muscles in their anus relax and the thrusting feels less painful and more pleasurable. Check in with them once in a while, and adjust your hips, angle, position, etc. as necessary.
You’ve more than likely experienced at least one pimple in your life, probably a lot more than that. Acne is one of the most common skin conditions out there, affecting around 85% of people between the ages of 12 and 24. This is in large part thanks to the fluctuation of hormones you experience around puberty.
Although acne is more common in teens, it can happen at any age and is often influenced by hormones, including around your period or during pregnancy. For most people, it resolves itself over the course of time, with lifestyle changes, and topical medications – but that’s not the case for everyone.
Oral Medications for Acne
Many people choose to take oral medications to help with more severe cases of acne like hormonal birth control, antibiotics, or Accutane. While Accutane is the most well-known name for this drug, it’s also known by Absorica, Claravis, Amnesteem, Myorisan, Zenatane, and its generic name, Isotretinoin.
Although Accutane can offer incredible results for people with severe acne, it also comes with quite a few potential side effects. One possible area where people can experience Accutane side effects is in their reproductive health. If you’re considering going on Accutane or have been on it in the past, it’s important to understand how this medication may affect your reproductive health.
How Does Accutane Work?
You’ve probably heard of using retinoids or retinol topically, which are all forms of Vitamin A. Accutane is also a type of retinoid, but unlike its counterparts, it’s an oral medication intended to treat severe cases of acne. Accutane is typically used in people with cystic acne, which are deep, painful pimples that may cause nodules or lumps that are not treatable through conventional methods.
Much like using topical retinoids, isotretinoin, which is the main ingredient of Accutane, increases the shedding of dead skin cells and cell turnover, reducing build up and clogged pores. Isotretinoin also reduces the size of oil glands and how much oil they produce by up to 90% – that’s why so many people experience dry skin when on Accutane.
Side Effects of Acutane
Irritation around the eyes and eyelids
Sensitivity to the sun
Chapped lips
Itchy or sensitive skin
Temporary hair thinning
Gastrointestinal symptoms
Urinary tract symptoms
Joint pain
There are also more severe or lesser known potential side effects when it comes to reproductive health.
Accutane and Pregnancy
A well known potential side effect of Accutane is pregnancy complications. Taking the medication while pregnant poses a high risk of birth defects. Up to 35% of infants exposed to Accutane during pregnancy will have birth defects, often affecting their ears and hearing or eyesight. There is also a miscarriage rate of up to 40% for people who become pregnant while on Isotretinoin.
Because of this, some providers may strongly advise using at least one form of birth control while on Accutane and for several months after, often two forms like an IUD and an oral hormonal pill. You’ll also likely need to take a pregnancy test before going on the medication if you are sexually active.
Outside of pregnancy while on the medication, Accutane can affect your reproductive system in other ways. Let’s explore how.
Accutane and Reproductive Health
Accutane has been linked to a wide range of reproductive problems for both males and females. In males it can decrease sperm count and motility. Studies have shown that females taking Isotretinoin may experience menstrual irregularities.
This includes issues like amenorrhea (the absence of periods) and irregular cycles. These issues may or may not go away after the end of Isotretinoin treatment. There is a potential that this medication can cause permanent damage to the reproductive system, but there is limited research on the issue.
It’s difficult to get an accurate number on how many people’s menstrual cycles are impacted by Accutane. This is because so many female Accutane users are also on birth control, which can affect or even suppress the menstrual cycle. They may or may not go off of birth control when they’re done with Isotretinoin treatment.
It’s not quite understood why Accutane affects the reproductive system. Some researchers believe that Isotretinoin alters the way the body processes hormones. This can affect egg and sperm development, and ultimately – fertility.
Although the studies are not conclusive, researchers have found that people who took Accutane in the past had decreased ovarian reserves as well as an increased risk of miscarriage. Ovarian reserve refers to the quantity and quality of the ovarian primordial follicular pool, and poor ovarian reserve may be an indicator of infertility.
These changes to hormones can also affect another area of reproductive health – your libido. People on Accutane may experience a decrease in sexual function and libido. It can also lead to side effects like vaginal dryness and erectile dysfunction.
Is Accutane Right for You?
This article is intended to offer insight on the potential downsides of taking Accutane. But it’s not meant to scare you away from taking a medication that for many, can be life changing. Most people never experience reproductive health issues or infertility after taking Accutane.
Accutane does come with quite a few potential side effects, including ones that are reproductive health related. That being said, severe acne can be painful, uncomfortable, and greatly impact someone’s confidence and self-image.
Other Acne Management Methods
Getting tested for any food sensitivities or allergies
Using topical treatments like retinol and salicylic acid
Going to a dermatologist
Getting dermatological treatments
It’s important to weigh the pros and cons of going on Accutane or a different Isotretinoin medication – especially if you’d like to get pregnant in the semi-near future. Only you know what the right decision is for your body, but it’s important to talk to your healthcare provider to get more information and see what your potential options are.
UPDATE, June 20, 2024:This article has been updated to reflect developments in Arkansas, Colorado, Florida, Maryland, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, New York, and South Dakota.
Abortion wins elections. We saw it last year when Ohio voters enshrined abortion rights into the state constitution, and in 2022 when Kansas, Kentucky, and Michigan voters rejected abortion restrictions and affirmed expanded protections.
Now, advocates and opponents alike are pushing more abortion-related measures onto upcoming ballots. Rewire News Group will be tracking abortion ballot initiatives and updating this list as groups gather signatures for their petitions and secure their place in this year’s elections.
Alabama
The state does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. Alabama has a total abortion ban with limited exceptions.
Alaska
Alaska does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. The state supreme court has ruled multiple times that abortion is constitutionally protected, and pregnant people can receive abortion care at any point during pregnancy.
Arizona
On April 2, Arizona for Abortion Access, a coalition of pro-choice groups including the ACLU of Arizona, Healthcare Rising Arizona, Planned Parenthood Advocates of Arizona, and more, announced it has gathered more than 500,000 signatures for its ballot initiative, according to NBC News.
The group needed at least 383,923 signatures by July 3 to get its proposed constitutional amendment affirming the right to abortion on the November ballot. The Arizona Republic reported that the group will continue to gather signatures to meet its goal of doubling the required number. Signatures still need to be validated.
On January 23, Arkansas Attorney General Tim Griffin certified an abortion rights ballot measure after previous attempts were rejected over language. Advocates can now gather signatures to get the measure on the ballot.
On November 28, 2023, Griffin first rejected the title for a proposed ballot measure, dubbed the Arkansas Abortion Amendment. In his rejection, Griffin cited confusion over the ballot language’s use of the words like “access” and “health,” and said the ballot’s title “is tinged with partisan coloring and misleading.”
After having its proposed abortion access ballot language rejected by Arkansas Attorney General Tim Griffin for a second time on January 4, advocates submitted a third draft of the measure addressing the last of Griffin’s concerns on January 8.
The ballot question committee behind the initiative, Arkansans for Limited Government (organized by the nonprofit For AR People), said it will propose a revised ballot measure to the attorney general’s office.
The state does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. In 2022, Californians voted to amend the state constitution to include the right to abortion. Abortion is banned at the point of viability.
An anti-abortion measure, the Protections for a Living Child Initiative, did not collect enough signatures to appear on the ballot. It would have established fetal “personhood” and banned abortion from the point of conception.
The state does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. Abortion is banned after the point of viability.
Florida
Opponents to the Florida ballot measure filed a lawsuit challenging the constitutional amendment process, including what they argue are misleading statements on the required financial impact statement. Proceedings are moving quickly and could include revisions to the impact statement.
On April 1, the Florida Supreme Court approved Floridians Protecting Freedom’s ballot initiative to limit government interference in abortion care—but it also upheld a 15-week ban that allows the state’s six-week abortion ban to go into effect 30 days from the ruling. At six weeks, most people do not know they are pregnant.
If ratified by voters in November, the “Amendment to Limit Government Interference With Abortion” would ban abortion after the point of viability in the Sunshine State. Advocates have said they’re worried that the attempt to save the measure by explicitly defining viability will hamper abortion rights advocacy across the country for the foreseeable future. —Jessica Mason Pieklo
Georgia
Georgia does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. Abortion is banned at six weeks, before most people know they’re pregnant.
Hawaii
Hawaii does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. In March, Gov. Josh Green signed abortion protection measures into state law, both expanding access and removing onerous requirements like only allowing abortion care in hospital or clinical settings. Abortion is banned at the point of viability.
Idaho
Idaho does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. Abortion is completely banned with limited exceptions, and providers must perform an “affirmative defense,” proving in court that an abortion would meet the state’s legal exception requirements.
Illinois
Illinois does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle, though Gov. J.B. Pritzker has advocated for a pro-abortion measure to be on the 2024 ballot. The state supreme court has affirmed that abortion is constitutionally protected, and abortion is banned at the point of viability.
Indiana
Indiana does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. In June, the state supreme court doubled down on its total abortion ban with limited exceptions.
Iowa
Conservative Iowa lawmakers are pushing a ballot measure for November 2024 that would add language to Iowa’s state constitution declaring it does not “recognize, grant, or secure a right to abortion or require the public funding of abortion.” Abortion is currently banned at 22 weeks. A six-week ban was signed into law in July, but a state judge issued an injunction as a lawsuit against it makes its way through the courts.
Kansas
Kansas does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. In 2022, voters rejected an amendment to declare that the state constitution did not guarantee the right to abortion. Abortion is banned at 22 weeks.
Louisiana does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. In 2020, voters approved an amendment declaring the state constitution does not provide for abortion protections or funding. Louisiana has a total ban, with limited exceptions.
Maine
The Maine Senate failed to pass a proposal that would have allowed voters to decide whether to enshrine abortion rights into the state constitution on April 1. Maine Democrats, including Gov. Janet Mills, had pushed the amendment.
In July, Mills signed into law a bill that allows for later abortions if a doctor deems it medically necessary. Otherwise, abortion is banned at the point of viability.
Maryland
In November, Maryland voters will decide whether to approve the Right to Reproductive Freedom Act, which would affirm “an individual’s own reproductive liberty and provides the State may not, directly or indirectly, deny, burden, or abridge the right unless justified by a compelling State interest achieved by the least restrictive means.” Currently, abortion is banned at the point of viability.
Massachusetts
Massachusetts does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. Abortion is banned at 24 weeks.
Michigan
The Great Lakes State does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. In 2022, voters approved a constitutional amendment guaranteeing the right to abortion. Abortion is banned at the point of viability.
Minnesota
Minnesota does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. In January, Gov. Tim Walz signed into law legislation that protects both abortion providers and out-of-state patients. Abortion is legal at any point during pregnancy.
Mississippi
The state does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. In March, the Mississippi Legislature proposed a citizen-led ballot initiative process that specifically banned any abortion-related measures, but the entire effort was killed in the state senate. The Magnolia State has a total ban with limited exceptions.
In Missouri, a petition to change the state constitution must receive signatures from 8 percent of voters in six of the state’s eight congressional districts. According to the Missouri Independent, Missourians for Constitutional Freedom collected more than twice the number needed. The secretary of state is currently verifying signatures. NBC News reported that Gov. Mike Parson can decide whether it appears on the August 6 primary ballot or the November 5 general election ballot.
In September, a judge rewrote a Republican-written ballot summary that described abortions as “dangerous and unregulated” to instead say it would guarantee “the right to make decisions about reproductive health care, including abortion and contraception.” Abortion is currently totally banned, and doctors must provide an “affirmative defense” to provide care that meets the state’s legal exception.
Montana
On April 16, Montanans Securing Reproductive Rights began collecting signatures on a ballot measure that would:
provide Montanans the right to make and carry out their own pregnancy decisions, including abortion;
prevent the government from hindering the right to abortion before the point of viability;
prevent the government from interfering when a health-care professional determines an abortion is necessary to protect the pregnant person’s life or health; and
prevent the government from “penalizing patients, health-care providers, or anyone who assists someone in exercising their right to make and carry out voluntary decisions about their pregnancy.”
In an April 1 decision, the Montana Supreme Court unanimously rewrote Montanans Securing Reproductive Rights’ abortion ballot measure and rejected the state attorney general’s attempt to block the original proposal.
In January, Montana Attorney General Austin Knudsen blocked a proposed ballot measure that would have enshrined abortion rights up to the point of viability in the state constitution, the Montana Free Press reported. In a memorandum to the secretary of state’s office, Knudsen’s office said the measure is legally insufficient, “logrolls” too many issues into a single initiative, and “limits the ability of the state to provide for public health and safety.
It’s the second of two anti-abortion ballot measures with petitions in circulation: In March 2023, anti-abortion advocates proposed the Nebraska Human Life Protection Act, which would ban procedural and medication abortions, with an exception to save the pregnant person’s life. The petition is in circulation.
On November 15, abortion rights coalition Protect Our Rights released language for a ballot measure that would constitutionally protect abortion “until fetal viability”—usually around 24 to 26 weeks—or to save the pregnant person’s life or health. Republican Gov. Jim Pillen has vowed to fight the measure and, similarly to Florida officials, called the viability language “vague and deceptive.” Protect Our Rights must collect signatures from about 123,000 voters, and at least 5 percent of registered voters in 38 of the state’s 93 counties, according to the Hill.
In late May, reproductive rights coalition Nevadans for Reproductive Freedom submitted more than 200,000 signatures for its abortion rights initiative, surpassing the 102,362 signatures required by state law. Nevada officials are reviewing the signatures for certification.
After a district judge in the Silver State shot down a ballot initiative that would have provided for the right to abortion care up until the point of fetal viability—saying the petition was too broad and would be an unfunded mandate—advocates launched a second campaign to get abortion rights on Nevada’s ballot. Nevadans for Reproductive Freedom’s new proposal provides for the fundamental right to “abortion performed or administered by a qualified health-care practitioner until fetal viability,” which can occur sometime between 24 to 26 weeks of pregnancy. It also says a pregnant person has the right to an abortion to protect their life or health.
Because it is a constitutional amendment, it needs to pass twice in Nevada, meaning that voters would need to decide on it again in 2026 if it gathers enough signatures and gains a simple majority of “yes” votes in 2024. Abortion is currently legal through 24 weeks in Nevada, and in May, Republican Gov. Joe Lombardo signed protections for out-of-state patients into law.
New Hampshire
New Hampshire does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. Abortion is banned after 24 weeks.
New Jersey
The Garden State does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. Abortion is legal throughout pregnancy.
New Mexico
The state does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. Abortion is legal throughout pregnancy.
New York
On June 18, a state appeals court unanimously restored the Equal Rights Amendment, which includes protections against discrimination over “pregnancy, pregnancy outcomes, reproductive health care and autonomy,” to the November ballot.
A conservative New York judge had kicked the measure off the ballot in May after a Republican assembly member, Marjorie Byrnes, filed a lawsuit claiming state Democrats didn’t follow proper procedure by introducing and passing the amendment before Attorney General Letitia James could provide an opinion, per the state constitution.
“Today’s decision to put the Equal Rights Amendment back on the ballot in November is a huge victory in our efforts to protect our basic rights and freedoms,” James said in a statement following the June ruling. “The ERA was advanced to protect access to abortion care, enshrine this basic right in our constitution, and protect people from discrimination.”
North Carolina does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. Abortion is banned at 12 weeks.
North Dakota
North Dakota does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. Abortion is completely banned, with limited exceptions.
Ohio
On November 7, Ohio voters approved Issue 1, enshrining abortion access until the point of viability in the state constitution.
Oklahoma
The Sooner State does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. Pro-choice rights activists attempted to tee up an abortion rights vote this year, but withdrew it to find a better time to get the more than 170,000 required signatures to put the measure on the November 2024 ballot. Abortion is completely banned, with the only exception being to save the pregnant person’s life.
In December 2023, Democratic lawmakers in Pennsylvania introduced a constitutional amendment that would provide for personal reproductive liberty, including abortion. If it passes both chambers of the state legislature, Pennsylvanians will be able to vote to pass or reject the amendment, though the Penn Capital-Star reported the earliest referendum could only happen in spring 2025.
The state does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. Abortion is banned at the point of viability.
South Carolina
South Carolina does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. Abortion is banned at six weeks, before most people know they’re pregnant.
South Dakota
In May, South Dakota Secretary of State Monae Johnson validated signatures for a ballot measure that would restore Roe v. Wade, making abortion care legal in the first trimester and allowing the state to regulate abortion in the second and third trimesters—but on June 17, anti-abortion group Life Defense Fund sued to block it.
Life Defense Fund is accusing Dakotans for Health of failing to comply with statutory requirements, collecting invalid signatures, and misleading supporters. State GOP lawmakers adopted a resolution opposing the measure in February.
Abortion is currently banned at all points of pregnancy in South Dakota, with limited exceptions.
Tennessee
Tennessee does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. Abortion is completely banned, with limited exceptions.
Texas
The Lone Star State does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. Abortion is completely banned, with limited exceptions.
Utah
Utah does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. Abortion is banned after 18 weeks.
Vermont
The state does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. In November 2022, voters approved Proposition 5, which constitutionally protects abortion at any point during pregnancy.
Virginia
Virginia does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. Abortion is banned after 26 weeks and 6 days.
Washington
Washington state does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. Abortion is banned at the point of viability.
Washington, D.C.
Washington, D.C. does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. Abortion is legal at all stages of pregnancy.
West Virginia
The state does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. Abortion is completely banned, with limited exceptions, and the state constitution includes language that explicitly excludes abortion rights.
Wisconsin
Wisconsin does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle, though GOP Sen. Ron Johnson has advocated for a vote on a 12-week ban. The state bans abortion at 22 weeks.
Wyoming
The state does not currently have a ballot initiative in the upcoming election cycle. Abortion is banned at the point of viability.
Correction: An earlier version of this story misstated Oregon’s current abortion policy. Oregon has no gestational limit on abortion care.
This piece was originally published on October 11, 2023.
As part of the Morning Lazziness series about empowering women who encourage and do incredible things with their ideas in society, I had the pleasure of interviewing Andrea Bloom.
Andrea is a seasoned healthcare executive and entrepreneur with 30 years of experience in the healthcare industry in various product development, marketing, international market expansion, business development, and consulting roles. She is a mission-driven leader determined to flip the paradigm of healthcare by placing the consumer at the center — empowering people to be active participants in their health and well-being. In her role as CEO, Andrea has elevated ConnectWell to be an essential digital health ecosystem partner for companies and organizations that are redesigning healthcare delivery. She is a sought out speaker and panelist, has spoken at Stanford and UC Berkeley business schools, has been published in TedEd, and serves on the HR.com Employee Well-being Advisory Board.
ConnectWell is a leading-edge provider of digital health and wellness content that is science-based and designed for a consumer audience. ConnectWell selectively curates health content from trusted sources to provide the latest standard of care guidelines and scientific findings on health, wellness, disease management, and nutrition. Content is packaged for digital delivery with rich graphic elements, and written for a wide-ranging consumer audience. A broad scope of healthcare providers, health engagement platforms, benefit providers, employers, libraries, and communities license ConnectWell’s content for integration into their platforms to scale health literacy and engage their populations in their health and well-being.
Andrea received a BA in Economics from University of California, Berkeley and an MBA from Harvard Business School.
Here’s what we found out about Andrea’s daily routine, followed by an exclusive Q+A.
Can you share the story behind your journey as an entrepreneur? What inspired you to start your own business?
I had been working in the healthcare industry and spent almost a decade at Johnson & Johnson in their diabetes device division.
But it was not until I was working as an independent consultant to the medical device industry, when I had more space to process what was going on in the healthcare system and think more independently. When you work for a company, you are hired to use your brainpower to support the company’s goals and objectives, not to say “our healthcare system is dysfunctional, let’s see how we can change the incentives and support improved health outcomes”. Companies are typically focused on increasing market share, accelerating growth, increasing profits, and delivering value to their shareholders.
It was during this time when I was free to think for myself and question the existing paradigm of healthcare and when I started to shift my thinking:
The typical first line of treatment in our healthcare system is to treat the symptom rather than the root cause of the disease. For example in Type 2 diabetes, when a person is given drugs to manage diabetes without the individual changing their lifestyle in a meaningful way (diet and exercise) – their disease will continue to progress, they will need more medication, eventually need insulin and they will likely end up having serious comorbidities as a result of the progression of their illness including: nerve damage, loss of vision, kidney and heart problems, and possible lower limb amputation.
I had my Aha moment when I was volunteering at Bearskin Meadow Camp, a diabetes camp for children with Type 1 diabetes, during family week. Type 1 diabetes is not something that people can prevent. It is an incurable autoimmune disease that typically impacts children and young adults and results in their inability to product insulin. The treatment requires around the clock self-management around blood glucose monitoring, insulin delivery, diet and exercise.
At the camp, I participated in the educational forums with the parents on diet, nutrition and disease management. It was at these educational forums where my light bulb moment occurred and I realized that if families can learn how to manage Type 1 diabetes which can be life-threatening if not controlled well, families who are not impacted by Type 1 diabetes can learn how to take care of each other to prevent metabolic syndrome, prediabetes, and Type 2 diabetes, and reduce obesity. Each day People with Type 1 make decisions that impact their health and as a result they typically are much healthier than people with Type 2 diabetes who acquired their illness after many years of an unhealthy lifestyle. People with Type 1 diabetes do not have the luxury of not paying attention to their health as it can be life-threatening and perhaps this is a gift because they take care of their health continuously. This concept of self-care is something we need to instill in every person – that our bodies need care and are not to be neglected.
Thus I founded ConnectWell and that has been my career focus since 2010.
What challenges have you faced as a woman in the business world, and how have you overcome them?
All of them – sexual harassment, gender discrimination, underemployment, pay inequity, pregnancy discrimination, you name it, I have experienced it. Putting myself at the helm of a company through founding it and leading it has eliminated all issues around gender. People want to work with the Founder & CEO of a company and therefore they need to get over any of their gender biases to gain access. I encourage more women to run for public office and found companies so that they don’t have barriers created by other people holding them back.
How do you balance your professional and personal life as an entrepreneur?
Schedule flexibility is key to create the spaces in life where you can provide adequate attention to your personal life. I work tremendous hours, but I set my schedule and make sure that personal life is also a priority.
What strategies have you found most effective for networking and building connections in your industry?
Attending conferences (virtual or in-person), webinars, forums and networking at these conferences with like-minded people when there is an intersection in the work we are doing.
How do you approach mentorship and seeking guidance in your entrepreneurial journey?
My spouse is an entrepreneur and he is on the board of my company – so I have a built-in coach.
Can you talk about a specific setback or failure you’ve experienced in your business, and how you bounced back from it?
As an entrepreneur there are so many setbacks that it is just part of the deal. We try to ensure that our company is resilient and that is what gets us through each challenge.
In what ways do you prioritize diversity and inclusion within your company or startup?
People in our industry are diverse and broad thinkers, so it is not difficult to create a diverse team.
How do you stay motivated and resilient during tough times in your business?
Staying focused on the Mission of ConnectWell keeps me going. Our team is dedicated to helping empower people in their health and well-being through scaling health literacy. Knowing that what we do ultimately is helping people live better lives keeps us stay motivated.
What advice would you give to other aspiring women entrepreneurs who are just starting out?
Stay open to evolving your business as new inputs and opportunities arise.
Can you share a memorable success or milestone that you’ve achieved in your entrepreneurial career?
Entering the Library Channel was a key milestone for ConnectWell. We did this because a head librarian asked for a meeting with ConnectWell and after our demo she insisted that we serve public libraries as ConnectWell was better than anything she was able to license for her library. It is so validating for our team when people come to us and tell us how our product can serve their customer base.
As part of the Morning Lazziness series about empowering women who encourage and do incredible things with their ideas in society, I had the pleasure of interviewing Paige Arnof-Fenn.
Paige Arnof-Fenn is the founder & CEO of global marketing and branding firm Mavens & Moguls based in Cambridge, MA. Her clients include Microsoft, Virgin, The New York Times Company, Colgate, venture-backed startups, and nonprofit organizations. She graduated from Stanford University and Harvard Business School. Paige serves on several Boards and is a popular speaker and columnist who has written for Entrepreneur and Forbes.
Here’s what we found out about Paige’s daily routine, followed by an exclusive Q+A.
Can you share the story behind your journey as an entrepreneur? What inspired you to start your own business?
I started a global branding and digital marketing firm 22 years ago in Cambridge, MA. I did not plan on starting a company. I always wanted to go work for a large multi-national business and be a Fortune 500 CEO. When I was a student I looked at leaders like Meg Whitman & Ursula Burns as my role models. I started my career on Wall Street in the 80s and had a successful career in Corporate America at companies like Procter & Gamble and Coca-Cola and worked at 3 different tech startups as the head of marketing, all had positive exits. I became an entrepreneur and took the leap right after 9/11 when the company I worked for cut their marketing. I had nothing to lose. I knew I had made it when Harvard wrote 2 case studies on my business a few years after I started it, we were very early to pioneer sharing resources on the marketing front (before my company it was really only done with HR, legal and accounting/finance).
What challenges have you faced as a woman in the business world, and how have you overcome them?
My biggest challenge early on was that the people you start with are not always the ones who grow with you. The hardest lesson I learned when I started my company is not getting rid of weak people earlier than I did in the first few years of my business. I spent more time managing them than finding new customers. I knew in my gut they were not up to snuff but out of loyalty to them I let them hang around much longer than they should have. It would have been better for everyone to let them go as soon as the signs were there. They became more insecure and threatened as we grew which was not productive for the team. As soon as I let them go the culture got stronger and the bar higher. “A” team people like to be surrounded by other stars. It is true that you should hire slowly and fire quickly. I did not make that mistake again later on so learned it well the first time. I wish I had known it even earlier though but lesson learned for sure!
How do you balance your professional and personal life as an entrepreneur?
As an entrepreneur, you are always on, and now, with everyone working hybrid/remotely and social media and technology going 24/7, it can be tough at times to stay energized and focused. For me, I know when I feel my creative juices drying up or I am often tired or unmotivated, it is time to shake things up. The key is to find ways to stay fresh and excited without being able to get away from your job. Like most small business owners and entrepreneurs, there are never enough hours in the day to fit everything in, so when something has to give, it is usually time I have allocated for myself to exercise or just relax. A mentor once told me that to be successful “me time” is not a luxury or pampering, it is maintenance! I try to lead my team by example, respecting my time on the calendar, and taking myself as seriously as I take my most important clients is the least I can do for self-care because if I am not at my peak performance I am not going to be useful to anyone else either so I have learned to create more balance by:
Giving myself permission to say no. Whether it means sleeping in (no to an alarm clock), meditating, taking a walk, delegating more work or just turning off your phone and computer (no I will respond later on my own schedule), simple acts of letting yourself relax and enjoy the moment are the very best gifts you can give yourself. It is about touching people in meaningful ways which may mean being less busy not more.
Disconnecting from technology periodically and focus on cultivating human, face to face relationships. Even meeting for virtual coffee or drinks can accomplish so much more than e-mail exchanges, social media posts, etc. I have found that building relationships is what drives my business and technology supports them once they are solidified. Technology helps advance the conversation but it will never replace the human interaction that builds trust over time.
To be more balanced I also try to find creative ways to multi task that incorporates work and exercise. When I worked at large companies they had gyms at the office or groups who walked at lunch but when you are an entrepreneur you have to get creative to find balance. Instead of meeting up with local colleagues at a coffee shop, over a meal or chatting with them on the phone, I meet them for a walk so you can catch up while you are getting some exercise too. You’ll feel great after, the time will fly & it will be a fun activity to share. It works with customers too, I have clients who play golf so we have met at a driving range instead of the office to discuss things especially when you are trying to think outside the box. A change in venue is always nice and you feel so much better when you are moving and not trapped behind your desk. The other tips I like to incorporate are taking public transportation when possible, parking at the far end of the lot and walking as well as taking the stairs instead of the elevator, it adds up to a lot of extra steps and movement if you do it every day.
What strategies have you found most effective for networking and building connections in your industry?
Most of my business comes from networking. We are social in nature so have pivoted to a hybrid model of mostly online events for networking to meet prospective clients/customers, employers, employees, thought leaders, etc. For the foreseeable future we will continue to build our networks starting with LinkedIn to add credibility and transparency when you know the people you are meeting or working with know people in common. LinkedIn has become more than an online resume or rolodex, it is the foundation for building trusted relationships in the digital economy. Now it is about quality more than quantity though. We’re attending fewer in person events but getting much more bang from them today. Less is more now.
The bar to attend in-person events is higher now post-pandemic, so we have to be more prepared to get as much value as possible by being together. By starting with LinkedIn, you don’t have to wait for a physical networking event to make meaningful business connections. You get one chance to make a great first impression so make sure every section of your LinkedIn profile is complete, with no blank spaces or gaps. Include a professional head shot and powerful headline followed by a summary with highlights of your personal brand, what you do well and how you can benefit potential clients or employers. Keep this section brief and easy to skim for best results. Keywords are a great way to help professionals in your industry find your profile and strategic keywords in your profile give you an advantage in networking too. To present yourself as an expert in your industry post interesting and educational content by sharing a great article you’ve read recently or if you truly want to make valuable connections and represent yourself as a talented thought leader in your industry, you should be crafting your own articles on LinkedIn.
In the digital age e-mail is still very effective and a big part of my communications strategy. Here are a few tips leveraging technology that have worked successfully for me:
* If you have a contact in common who mentioned the person to you I start the e-mail with a subject line of “XYZ suggested we connect” so that even if they do not recognize my name in their inbox XYZ should ring a bell. If you saw them speak at a conference or read an article they wrote you can tailor the subject line to that such as “Loved your piece on ____ in HuffPo!” or “Great talk at the conference this week!”
* Then I check them out on LinkedIn and let them know in the e-mail that “I see we also have # connections in common” to make me seem more familiar to them.
* Then I explain why I would like to connect to bridge the intro and suggest we set up a call at their convenience.
It usually works and it shows I have done my homework and am respectful of their time. Another tip is that the worst time to make a cold call to prospects in any region is 8-10am when everyone is rushing to work and preparing for the day but the worst time to call is the best time to e-mail. Once employees are at work, the first hour is generally spent checking e-mails and organizing the day. During this hour, your e-mail has a higher chance of visibility. Sending an e-mail during their transit period places your e-mail on top, and would be among the first they see as they open their inbox. E-mails that are sent late in the evening or early morning have a chance of being buried/missed.
How do you approach mentorship and seeking guidance in your entrepreneurial journey?
I have had great mentors and champions throughout my career. In my corporate life I had bosses, senior women or alums from my alma maters who took me under their wings to help me advance and show me the ropes As a small business owner mentors can also be invaluable sources of inspiration, advice, encouragement and can help you avoid rookie mistakes (with hiring, fundraising, etc.) when you are starting out. They can also make key introductions so that you avoid getting burned by service providers or potential investors who have mixed reputations. I have seen several situations where a lot of time and money could have been wasted but was not.
There are times whenyou need cheerleaders/butt kickers/people who can be counted on for tough love and others to help expand your footprint/elevate your profile in the community.Accountability is so important and having mentors you trust for judgment/advice who have your best interests in mind is priceless. Mentors aren’t meant to last forever as your business evolves and your needs change you need to reevaluate your mentors too. Don’t become too reliant on any one or two mentors it is important to get several people’s perspectives and feedback. When you find the right ones though it is magic. For me their advice has helped me be thick skinned, brave, kind and smart which has helped me succeed as an entrepreneur. I am eternally grateful for their support and advice over the years and for taking me under their wings to help me advance and show me the ropes.
Mentors have different strengths and connections that can help. Having people to keep you grounded and humble is critical too, it is easy to lose perspective when you are launching a new business. Entrepreneurship can be consuming if you aren’t careful. In my experience it takes a village to launch and build a successful startup. I have mentored a number of employees and people starting their careers over the years. Mentoring can be a wonderful experience on both sides of the equation. It is important to both give back and pay it forward to honor the people who mentored me. It creates a virtuous circle and chain to make the new generation part of the continuum. The best mentors are generous with their time/advice/network, patient, kind, and tell you what you need to hear. They share setbacks as well as success from their own experience.
In my experience the best way to do it is organically by getting to know potential mentors over time through casual exchanges, lunches, coffees, e-mails, etc. and then once a history and relationship is there only then share with them how valuable their advice and counsel has been to you and tell them you have considered them a mentor and champion for a while and see how they react. That usually leads to formalizing the relationship if all goes well.
Can you talk about a specific setback or failure you’ve experienced in your business, and how you bounced back from it?
For the first 5 years I was scared to go on vacation for fear all my hard work would unravel. Then my world changed when my in-laws, father, mom and stepdad all started to get sick and I wanted to be there for them. They all lived thousands of miles away so I started to work less. After years of decline they each died about 8 months apart (7 people in 6 years) and I became executrix which is like having another job at times. So I had to take very good care of myself or I would not have been helpful to anyone else. I moved up by working out every day. I started planning me time on my calendar. I became more comfortable with white space in my day and stopped over scheduling myself. And guess what? My business did not suffer, in fact it has become stronger. We moved up the food chain and have better clients.
Through something bad came something good. I do not think I could ever go back. I am so much happier and more productive as an entrepreneur than I ever was working for others. It is all about controlling your calendar. I no longer try to squeeze in more meetings or hit multiple events at night. As an entrepreneur, I can be selective. Less really is more. I’ve chosen quality over quantity. It sounds trivial but it is true. I created a platform to do work I enjoy and feel energized by. I feel I have found my purpose because I used to work all the time and life was passing me by. I got raises and promotions but I was all work and no play and I did not feel fulfilled. Since starting my business I have joined boards and volunteered at several organizations. I am a mentor to the next generation of leaders and have helped build a very successful anti-bullying program that >200,000 middle school aged kids have gone through. As a marketing consultant I am able to write articles, contribute to books and speak at events to share my experience and lessons learned.
COVID has definitely made me and my business more resilient, too. Pivoting to online meetings, webinars, etc., is a smart and productive way for companies to continue to have conversations that educate and inform, build relationships, and move forward during uncertain periods. So, first and foremost, I have learned to help small businesses to be flexible and open-minded so we can keep working together during the crisis and create more flexible capacity as we advance. In my experience, resilience is the key trait for entrepreneurial success which has lead me to focus on:
Persistence/determination — a lot of people tell you no (investors, board, customers, etc.) so you have to be driven and learn to say no to distractions you cannot pursue every opportunity so be selective and concentrate on only those ideas with the greatest potential say no to everything else
Learning — intensely curious and always looking for the next way to make something better
Listening — to customers, critics, feedback, the market and your team to show respect for great talent and ideas
Communication — there has never been a more important time to provide accurate, empathetic communication with transparency, truthfulness and timeliness
Strong moral compass — you cannot compromise on ethics and values
Bonus — great sense humor and fun to work with
These are what makes the biggest difference between success and failure I think because the road is always bumpy and you know you will have to overcome obstacles along the way. With resilience you increase the odds to pivot, recover and succeed.
In what ways do you prioritize diversity and inclusion within your company or startup?
My company’s mission is to bring world class marketing talent and expertise to organizations that want to make a difference in the world regardless of size or budget. We believe every organization deserves the right words and pictures to tell their story in compelling ways. Including diverse perspectives leads to the best results and most impact in my experience. Your core values should be reflected in your branding because people choose to do business with companies that align with their own values, so this information needs to be visible to them. It is important to me to stay true to my core beliefs. Loyalty is one of my core values—loyalty to self and to others whom I respect. It’s important to me to gauge how many colleagues and clients come back and refer us to those who trust them. Being true to the mission of the organization and delivering superior experiences matter to me a lot too. Having the confidence to walk away from a client or colleague who’s diluting the equity in your brand is tough, but it’s necessary sometimes. You must always be authentic to the essence of your brand and surround yourself with people who reinforce your brand and its values–not tarnish it. For me, relationships matter. Quality encounters matter. Honesty, consistency, authenticity and integrity matter. The experience and the journey matter a lot too. Focus on what matters to you and get rid of things that don’t.
How do you stay motivated and resilient during tough times in your business?
I stay motivated through a combination of curiosity, connecting, caffeine and communication. I love asking lots of questions and solving problems so when I meet interesting people I can’t help jumping in with ideas to help them thrive plus I hate to waste time. I have always loved fixing things and helping out where I can. I love the challenge of cracking the code to see what works. I am motivated by insatiable curiosity. More challenges create more opportunities.
What advice would you give to other aspiring women entrepreneurs who are just starting out?
Find mentors and pursue areas that energize and excite you to learn more then look for a company doing work you find genuinely exciting and interesting with smart people you can learn from. Jump in and roll up your sleeves, come in early and stay late. Work really hard and build a great reputation for having a strong work ethic and being fun and easy to work with. In my experience when you are curious and ask a lot of questions people appreciate working with smart people who enjoy learning. Pay your dues, get great experience learning from smart people in well run organizations who train and develop your skills so you will be prepared and set yourself up for success. Great career opportunities tend to follow great teams and talent so I have found when you learn from the best doors open and interesting career options appear.
You need to learn to love networking. Networking may sound old fashioned in these high tech days but it still works. Whether you work in B2B or B2C everything is really P2P person to person. Most of my business comes from networking. My rule is that you should network in person during the business day and do it online after hours. People do business with people they know, like and trust so you have to get out there to build your reputation online and off. Prospective customers and jobs can come from anyone anywhere anytime so you should always be on your best behavior & make a great lasting impression. Be nice to everyone & make friends before you need them, you never know who is in or will be in a position to help! Find a buddy to go to events with and tag team, you have to get out there.
I have always tried to work with people and organizations with a growth mindset, it is a happier and more positive and productive environment in my experience. Growth mindset people are successful because they never stop learning and experimenting, they are focused on the future and see opportunities ahead by creating a culture of learning and growth. It takes effort and a commitment to excellence for people to continually learn/grow especially now in a remote/hybrid environment. I do not think there is one silver bullet to keep your skills sharp and fresh, I recommend using a combination of reading and learning online and off, attending conferences and talks, networking, newsletters from influencers, TED talks, podcasts, finding mentors and listening to all feedback good and bad. To stay relevant and keep growing I try to prioritize professional development to keep skills fresh and stay on top of new trends and technologies.
Can you share a memorable success or milestone that you’ve achieved in your entrepreneurial career?
Our success is our clients’ success. I want to be recognized by the impact we have not the awards we have won. I am very proud of the work we have done for organizations across many categories and geographies. We branded and launched a conference as part of the Sundance Film Festival to “invest in media that matters,” we created a major fundraising opportunity for a nonprofit celebrating a milestone anniversary for helping people live productive lives with AIDS, we rebranded and renamed 2 social service agencies that help people with mental disabilities and we rebranded and elevated the profile and awareness of a for-profit organization that is an intensive family and community-based treatment program that focuses on addressing all environmental systems that impact chronic and violent juvenile offenders — their homes and families, schools and teachers, neighborhoods and friends. These are all great organizations that are better off today because of our work and that is incredibly fulfilling. However the one client I am most proud of is an industrial products company based in New Orleans that we started working with just before Katrina and continued to work with them for years after. Our work with them spanned many areas and we were able to “keep the trains moving” post-Katrina when their biggest trade show of the year was happening and they ended up as the belle of the ball there, our branding work for them helped them recruit great talent after the storm, the tag line we created for them helped them solidify their message and in conjunction with the branding messages we developed for them, stand out from the pack of competitors. I grew up in New Orleans so helping a local business means a lot to me even though I have not lived there since college.
The idea of forgiving people who have deeply hurt us is difficult, yet forgiveness holds a particularly significant place within the Christian faith. The Bible frequently emphasizes the importance of forgiveness, urging believers to let go of grudges and find freedom through this transformative process. This article delves into the biblical perspective on forgiveness and its importance, providing practical strategies for forgiving others and oneself.
Forgiveness is a central theme in the Bible, with numerous passages underscoring its importance. According to Christian teachings, forgiveness is not just a moral obligation but a path to spiritual liberation and peace.
Jesus’ Teachings on Forgiveness
One of the most profound teachings on forgiveness comes from Jesus Christ. In Matthew 18:21-22, Peter asks Jesus, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus replies, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”
This response highlights the boundless nature of forgiveness that Jesus advocates for his followers. This unlimited approach to forgiveness reflects the endless mercy and grace that God offers to humanity, encouraging believers to mirror this in their interactions with others.
In the Lord’s Prayer, as recorded in Matthew 6:12, Jesus teaches, “And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” This line emphasizes the reciprocal nature of forgiveness, indicating that receiving God’s forgiveness is intertwined with our willingness to forgive others. This mutual dependency underscores the importance of a forgiving heart, suggesting that our own spiritual well-being is connected to how we treat others.
The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant
The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant (Matthew 18:23-35) further illustrates the necessity of forgiveness. In this parable, a servant who is forgiven a massive debt by his master refuses to forgive a much smaller debt owed to him by a fellow servant.
The master, upon learning of this, rebukes the unforgiving servant and reinstates his debt, signifying that those who do not forgive others cannot expect to receive forgiveness themselves. This parable serves as a stark reminder of the importance of extending the same mercy we have received from God to others, emphasizing the moral and spiritual imperative of forgiveness.
Spiritual Freedom
From a spiritual standpoint, forgiveness is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship with God. The Bible teaches that harboring unforgiveness can hinder our prayers and our ability to receive God’s grace.
Mark 11:25 states, “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” This verse highlights the spiritual blockage that unforgiveness can create, emphasizing the need for a clear heart to maintain a strong connection with God.
Forgiveness is also a testament to our faith and obedience to God’s commands. It reflects our understanding and acceptance of God’s mercy and our commitment to living a life that aligns with His teachings. By forgiving others, we demonstrate our trust in God’s justice and our willingness to leave judgment in His hands.
Psychological Benefits
Psychologically, forgiveness is linked to numerous health benefits. Studies have shown that forgiveness can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression and improve overall well-being. Holding onto grudges and resentment can lead to chronic emotional and physical health problems. Forgiveness, on the other hand, fosters emotional healing and promotes a sense of peace.
Research has found that people who forgive are more likely to experience lower blood pressure, a stronger immune system, and a longer life expectancy. Forgiveness can also improve relationships, leading to healthier social interactions and a more supportive community. By releasing negative emotions, individuals can focus on positive aspects of life, enhancing their mental and emotional health.
Strategies for Forgiving Others
Forgiveness can be challenging, especially when the hurt is deep. However, it is possible to cultivate a forgiving heart through intentional practices.
1. Reflect on God’s Forgiveness
One of the first steps in forgiving others is to reflect on the forgiveness you have received from God. Romans 5:8 reminds us, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Recognizing the magnitude of God’s forgiveness can inspire us to extend the same grace to others. Understanding that God’s love and mercy are freely given, despite our flaws and mistakes, can motivate us to forgive others.
2. Pray for a Forgiving Heart
Prayer is a powerful tool in the journey towards forgiveness. Ask God to soften your heart and help you let go of bitterness and resentment. Pray for the person who has wronged you, as this can shift your perspective and foster empathy. Prayer can also provide the strength and courage needed to confront and overcome the hurt, allowing God’s love to fill the spaces where pain once resided.
3. Understand the Benefits of Forgiveness
Educate yourself on the benefits of forgiveness, both spiritually and emotionally. Understanding that forgiveness is more about your own well-being than the other person’s actions can motivate you to let go of grudges. Realizing that forgiveness can lead to a more peaceful and fulfilling life can provide the incentive needed to pursue it, even when it feels difficult.
4. Practice Empathy
Empathy involves putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Try to understand the reasons behind their actions and acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes. This doesn’t excuse the hurt, but it can make it easier to forgive. Empathy can also help in recognizing the humanity in others, reminding us that everyone is capable of change and growth.
5. Let Go of Expectations
Forgiveness should not be contingent upon another’s actions. Letting go of these expectations can free you to forgive more readily. Accepting that people may not always meet our expectations allows us to release the burden of resentment and move forward with our lives.
6. Seek Support
Forgiving someone can be a lonely process. Seek support from trusted friends, family, or a spiritual advisor. Sharing your feelings can provide comfort and perspective, making it easier to move forward. Having a support system can also offer encouragement and accountability, helping you stay committed to the process of forgiveness.
Strategies for Forgiving Yourself
Forgiving oneself is often more challenging than forgiving others. However, self-forgiveness is crucial for personal growth and mental health.
1. Acknowledge Your Mistakes
The first step in self-forgiveness is acknowledging your mistakes without making excuses. Accept responsibility for your actions and understand their impact. This honesty is essential for personal growth, as it allows you to learn from your experiences and avoid repeating the same mistakes.
2. Reflect on God’s Grace
Just as God’s forgiveness can inspire us to forgive others, it can also help us to forgive ourselves. Romans 8:1 reassures us, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” This verse highlights that God’s grace covers our sins, freeing us from self-condemnation. Understanding that we are forgiven by God helps us release the guilt and shame accompanying our mistakes.
3. Make Amends
If possible, take steps to make amends for your actions. Apologize to those you have hurt and seek to rectify the situation. This can alleviate guilt and pave the way for self-forgiveness. Making amends shows a commitment to change and a willingness to take responsibility for your actions, which can be an important part of the healing process.
4. Learn from Your Mistakes
View your mistakes as opportunities for growth. Reflect on what you have learned and how you can avoid similar mistakes in the future. This proactive approach can transform guilt into a catalyst for positive change. By learning from your experiences, you can develop a greater sense of self-awareness and resilience.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer a friend. Acknowledge your humanity and the fact that everyone makes mistakes. Self-compassion can reduce self-criticism and promote emotional healing. By being kind to yourself, you create a supportive environment that fosters growth and self-forgiveness.
6. Seek Professional Help
If you find it difficult to forgive yourself, consider seeking help. Professional guidance can provide tools and techniques to help you work through guilt. Therapy can also offer a safe space to explore your feelings and develop strategies for moving forward.
The Role of Community in Forgiveness
Community plays a significant role in the process of forgiveness. Being part of a supportive community can provide the encouragement and accountability needed to pursue forgiveness.
1. Church Community
In a church community, members can find support and guidance through sermons, Bible studies, and prayer groups. Engaging with others who share your faith can provide a sense of belonging and remind you of the biblical teachings on forgiveness. The church can also offer resources such as counseling and support groups to help individuals on their journey toward forgiveness.
2. Support Groups
Support groups, whether faith-based or secular, can provide a safe space to share your experiences and receive encouragement from others who are also working towards forgiveness. These groups can offer practical advice, emotional support, and a sense of solidarity.
3. Family and Friends
Family and friends can be a crucial support system in the process of forgiveness. They can offer a listening ear, provide perspective, and remind you of the importance of letting go of grudges. Having a strong support network can make the journey towards forgiveness less isolating and more manageable.
The Power of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a powerful act that offers freedom and peace. Rooted in biblical teachings, it is a pathway to spiritual and psychological well-being. By embracing forgiveness, we let go of grudges and open our hearts to healing and growth.
Whether forgiving others or oneself, the journey requires intentional effort, empathy, and a deep understanding of God’s grace. As we strive to forgive, we reflect the love and mercy that are at the heart of the Christian faith, ultimately finding freedom and peace in the process.
The power of forgiveness extends beyond individual healing; it has the potential to transform relationships, communities, and even societies. By practicing forgiveness, we contribute to a culture of compassion and understanding, breaking the cycle of hurt and fostering a more harmonious world.
There have been times in my life when I discovered the reasons why people hurt me, and the truth was heartbreaking. A friend who had hurt me in my teens found out that she had undiagnosed bipolar disorder in her early 20s. I vividly remember a conversation with her during our teenage years that she later expressed confusion over, upset by the pain she caused me and others.
Years later, when she was diagnosed in her early twenties, that memory resurfaced. You never truly know what personal struggles someone may be facing, and when they hurt you, it may not always be personal.
Letting go of grudges and finding freedom through forgiveness is not only a personal victory but a testament to the enduring power of love and grace and what God ultimately wants us to do.
J. Lila Donovan is a content creator passionate about sharing faith-based insights and encouragement. When she’s not writing, you can find her being a bookworm, creating art, or spending quality time with her loved ones.
For some, asking for help feels like a threat; the need to do so invariably makes them feel inferior.
“Why should I need to ask?” “You should already know!” In the game of emotional hot potato, we blame our partners for feeling vulnerable, more precisely, for feeling inferior. While something like asking for help or setting a boundary is common, individuals preoccupied with hierarchies view both as signs of weakness, indicators of a potential loss of power or position, or disrespect. Their worlds are like old-time movies, experienced in black and white.
In that world, the kings expect to be served, having their every need predicted and, subsequently, fulfilled. So, when something goes wrong, and the king feels ashamed of himself for being unable to complete a task, he blames his servants for failing to aid him. In this context, he finds himself in a double bind. On the one hand, he feels vulnerable and inferior if asking for help (after all, such a human request is beneath a god) and, on the other, knows he’s unable to act independently. So, when he ultimately fails, taking responsibility is akin to losing face, the threat of which, he believes, implies a fall from grace.
Ancient kings believed that the world was comprised of servants and gods on Earth (as well as their enemies, who lived in similar systems), whom the former obviously catered to. To the gods, their servants’ compliance wasn’t enough; in their partially-parental roles, they also needed to know how to protect those in their custody. Like children not knowing how to self-soothe, kings, more often than not, looked to their courts to manage and even preempt their negative feelings. Their oracles and soothsayers predicted great conquests. Their jesters cheered them up. Their councils were more often than not comprised of sycophants. And wives were merely indicators of their manhood. These individuals wanted, and received, the good parts of parenting, without being told what to do.
Fundamentally, other-oriented perfectionism, the expectation that another be perfect, is codependence. I need you to be perfect so that I can feel safe and special.
We see this dynamic repeatedly in therapy. Partners become enraged with their spouses for failing to mind-read, jumping to the conclusion that they must not love them. Codependence, the excessive need to be emotionally and physically cared for, can look like love. Some of our patients, either having grown up with that type of love or having been severely neglected, perceive codependence as their individual right. And their partners should always know how lucky they are. Perfectionists of all types deeply struggle with black and white, hierarchical thinking. They hyper-focus on slights and chronically seek and find reasons to feel superior to you.
One of the core problems here is of inflexibility. Most people become upset and feel hurt when a partner fails to consider them in relation to something they believe is significant. But, if being inconsiderate is revealed as a character flaw, the other tends to move on. Yet, for those individuals with a deep need for control, any loss feels intolerable. Each one feels personal, not revealing a trait of the other but her own inherently defective spirit. Her need to feel invulnerable is deep, yet her resilience is shallow.
In treatment, we focus on what asking for help actually means and whether doing so, in reality, necessarily reduces one’s status. People, sometimes, erroneously believe that admitting a mistake means they’re less than human, but doing so is one of the fundamental markers of being human. The more benign side of this coin is that admitting a mistake or asking for help can also contribute to feeling like a burden, again the black and white thinking of inferiority and superiority, yet, on the contrary, both gestures imply humility and the need for another, which often binds people together. Hierarchy can and should be minimized. You aren’t that special and you aren’t that much of a burden, either. Finding that spot, your exact place in the world, is one of the points of therapy.
Leon Garber is a philosophical writer, contemplating and elucidating the deep recesses of man’s soul. He is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor/Psychotherapist — specializing in Existential Psychotherapy, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, and Trauma Therapy — and manages a blog exploring issues of death, self-esteem, love, freedom, life-meaning, and mental health/mental illness, from both empirical and personal viewpoints.
When deployed in the Court’s opinions, most footnotes are indicators of precedent—giving the citations that tell which precedents apply to the present case. Ironically, when the Court overturns a long line of precedents, the footnote has even more work to do, because the opinion must cut loose from an established line of precedent and create a new one. As for example, in Dobbsv. Jackson Women’s Health Organization, the dueling footnotes in the majority and dissenting opinions marked a corresponding contest in public opinion and national politics. Justice Samuel Alito used 117 footnotes to ground his decision in precedent of history and tradition. Dissenting Justice Elena Kagan’s 31 footnotes offered a different concept of precedent, or rather, an attempt to reunite precedent with a different history and tradition.
There are two narratives of reproductive rights in American history. The first is a story of anti-abortion laws that sought to protect women who were pregnant from the dangers of the abortion, a story played out over 200 years; the second is a far shorter story of the effort to provide legal and safe abortions to women who wanted to end their pregnancies. The footnotes in the opinions in Dobbs featured these alternative histories. But like the warring readings of historical texts in the gun control cases, the historical scholarship was subject to opposing readings in Dobbs. In other words, the justices looked at the history differently, some seeing the later history as part of the whole story, others, under the doctrine of traditional values, seeing only one part of the history leading up to Dobbs. In the latter, recent precedent and older history warred with one another.
Justice Alito delivered the opinion of the Court in Dobbs. His introductory passage was remarkably similar to that in Roev. Wade: “Abortion presents a profound moral issue on which Americans hold sharply conflicting views. Some believe fervently that a human person comes into being at conception and that abortion ends an innocent life. Others feel just as strongly that any regulation of abortion invades a woman’s right to control her own body and prevents women from achieving full equality. Still others in a third group think that abortion should be allowed under some but not all circumstances, and those within this group hold a variety of views about the particular restrictions that should be imposed.”
As an originalist who believed in judicial restraint, it was not surprising that Justice Alito found no basis in the language of the Constitution for a right to an abortion.
The opening passage seemed to view a balance of equities—legitimate but vying views of the abortion practice. But from the first moment he sat on the court, Justice Alito thought that Roe was badly reasoned and wrongly determined. He had no use for balance of equities doctrine. At his confirmation hearings, he said that he had an open mind on Roe and would be impartial, but his record on the Third Circuit and his general views on originalism suggested otherwise. He had been a conservative thinker from the time that he attended Princeton, then Yale Law School. He served on the Court of Appeals for the Third Circuit and was President George W. Bush’s choice to replace the retired Sandra Day O’Connor on the Court. Although there he voted with Justice Antonin Scalia 75 percent of the time, he was never a Scalia clone. Unlike other conservatives, he looked to the legislative record (in the states) for statutory meaning but preferred judicial restraint to the Court’s acting as a super legislature.
As an originalist who believed in judicial restraint, it was not surprising that Justice Alito found no basis in the language of the Constitution for a right to an abortion. Instead, it was “the Court [that] held that [the Constitution] confers a broad right to obtain one. [Roe] did not claim that American law or the common law had ever recognized such a right, and its survey of history ranged from the constitutionally irrelevant (e.g., its discussion of abortion in antiquity) to the plainly absolute convictions that the subject inspires. One’s philosophy, one’s experiences, one’s exposure to the raw edges of human existence, one’s religious training, one’s attitudes toward life and family and their values, and the moral standards one establishes and seeks to observe, are all likely to influence and to color one’s thinking and conclusions about abortion” incorrect (e.g., its assertion that abortion was probably never a crime under the common law).”
Alito’s statement of facts was incomplete. Historians are wary of bare facts, recitations of names and dates without broader context. A more nuanced and complex rendering of facts would include evidence that the first state laws were designed to protect the putative mother from the abortionist rather than to criminalize the mother’s actions. They came at a time when white women were second-class citizens, without the right to vote, hold office, or own property if they were married. Black women and Native women faced even greater hardships. But to Alito, the history in the legal briefs raising these issues did not have a bearing on the constitutional status of abortion. The history that did matter was the history and tradition—the precedent—of criminalization.
Alito was not interested in his judicial predecessors’ struggle to define viability or the various formulas they assessed to weigh women’s health versus the potential rights of the fetus or the unborn child. “The Court did not explain the basis for this line, and even abortion supporters have found it hard to defend Roe’s reasoning.” For this, he quoted not a supporter of Roe but John Hart Ely of Yale Law School, an opponent: “One prominent constitutional scholar wrote that he ‘would vote for a statute very much like the one the Court end[ed] up drafting’ if he were ‘a legislator,’ but his assessment of Roe was memorable and brutal: Roe was ‘not constitutional law’ at all and gave ‘almost no sense of an obligation to try to be.’” Later in the opinion, and then in the footnotes, Alito cited line and verse from academic commentators to demonstrate how inconsistent and incoherent Justice Harry Blackmun’s opinion was. But he did not cite historians, in particular the historians in the various friends of the court briefs to the abortion cases. One supposes, perhaps naively, that an opinion resting on the doctrine of history and tradition would entail a wide and deep survey of historical writings. Not so here.
Instead, like Scalia in District of Columbia v.Heller, Alito appointed himself the official court chronicler. Professional historians endure years of graduate training, and the results of Alito’s spontaneous career change would not have impressed professional historians. His history was a bare recital of bits and pieces of statute without context or contemporary analysis. They came from different places at different times, but he lumped them together: “At the time of Roe, 30 States still prohibited abortion at all stages. In the years prior to that decision, about a third of the States had liberalized their laws, but Roe abruptly ended that political process.” He gave evidence for this blanket statement in an appendix, then again at the end of the footnotes, but there again he simply recited the bare bones of the statutes, with their dates. There was no attempt to pierce the veil of the legislative debates or the surrounding events to reveal historical context. Legislative intent to bar the practice of abortion was assumed.
By contrast with the variety of state laws, Alito found that Roe imposed a “highly restrictive regime on the entire Nation, and it effectively struck down the abortion laws of every single State.” Footnote 3 and the appendix underlined the point. But it was wrong, for no sooner did the decision come down than protest against it led to various states’ reimposition of restrictions. The opposition led to more litigation and ultimately to Dobbs. Although “Justice Byron White aptly put it in his dissent, the decision represented the ‘exercise of raw judicial power,’” it was never an effective power, for as White continued, and Alito conceded, “it sparked a national controversy that has embittered our political culture for a half century.”
Alito’s history of the abortion rights controversy after Roe demonstrated to him that the rationale for its holding was never really established. The court in Webster v. Reproductive Health Services (1989) and Planned Parenthood of Southeastern Pennsylvania v. Casey (1992) reconsidered Roe and split over the precedent. A switch of one vote would have overturned Roe, but, although expected by many observers, that vote did not come. Instead, in fragmented opinions, members of the court defended, attacked, or revised Roe, supplanting the original trimester formula with an “undue burden” standard. In Casey, the idea that “stare decisis, which calls for prior decisions to be followed in most instances, required adherence to what it called Roe’s ‘central holding’—that a State may not constitutionally protect fetal life before ‘viability’—even if that holding was wrong.” Actually, none of three justices in the latter “joint opinion” in Casey—Anthony Kennedy, Sandra Day O’Connor, and David Souter—said anything about a “wrong.” But they did invoke the reliance that pregnant women had placed on Roe as one important reason to retain it.
The persistence and political influence of the opponents of abortion rights proved to Alito that “as has become increasingly apparent in the intervening years, Casey did not achieve that goal. Americans continue to hold passionate and widely divergent views on abortion, and state legislatures have acted accordingly.” What in fact some legislatures did was to ask the Court to overturn Roe, while in the meantime undermining it. Alito continued: “And in this case, 26 States have expressly asked this Court to overrule Roe and Casey and allow the States to regulate or prohibit pre-viability abortions.”
In Dobbs, Mississippi wished “to uphold the constitutionality of [its] law that generally prohibits an abortion after the 15th week of pregnancy—several weeks before the point at which a fetus is now regarded as ‘viable’ outside the womb.” Alito ignored that portion of the state’s case and found that “the State’s primary argument is that we should reconsider and overrule Roe and Casey and once again allow each State to regulate abortion as its citizens wish.” In answer to the state’s plea, Alito decided, “We hold that Roe and Casey must be overruled. The Constitution makes no reference to abortion, and no such right is implicitly protected by any constitutional provision, including the one on which the defenders of Roe and Casey now chiefly rely—the due process clause of the 14th Amendment. That provision has been held to guarantee some rights that are not mentioned in the Constitution, but any such right must be ‘deeply rooted in this Nation’s history and tradition’ and ‘implicit in the concept of ordered liberty.’” So the end of Roe required rejection of substantive due process, the absence of deep rooting in the nation’s history and tradition, and a reading of the open-ended formula in Palko v. Connecticut for the exceptions (not the inclusions) of “ordered liberty” of the Bill of Rights in the 14th Amendment.
It was the history and tradition portion of the majority-opinion decision that redefined precedent and required the display of historical evidence. But among historians, one cannot simply offer historical text without some explanation. In Alito’s view, that enterprise did not require a deep or broad historical account. The historians of abortion in the friends of the court briefs had already provided some context, and Alito discarded it. Instead, he offered the same kind of bare-bones historical recital that one found in Heller, as if history were simple and easily read, like the language of the Second Amendment.
But unlike Heller, which was something of a novel case, Roe had lots of baggage that had to be thrown overboard. “Roe’s defenders characterize the abortion right as similar to the rights recognized in past decisions involving matters such as intimate sexual relations, contraception, and marriage, but abortion is fundamentally different, as both Roe and Casey acknowledged, because it destroys what those decisions called ‘fetal life’ and what the law now before us describes as an ‘unborn human being.’” Quoting from the decision that he was discarding was clever, but the definition of unborn was itself subject to a long history, which was not even alluded to in Alito’s opinion. It was simply implied. That is, Alito assumed that the embryo was a human being waiting to be born. The fetus was an intermediate stage. The dissenters feared that the next step would be the undoing of privacy rights like birth control, but Alito insisted that Griswold v. Connecticut was not in danger.
The other difference from Heller was that Roe was not long-established precedent. Alito pitted recent precedent against precedent rooted in history and tradition. The latter won. “Stare decisis, the doctrine on which Casey’s controlling opinion was based, does not compel unending adherence to Roe’s abuse of judicial authority. Roe was egregiously wrong from the start. Its reasoning was exceptionally weak, and the decision has had damaging consequences. And far from bringing about a national settlement of the abortion issue, Roe and Casey have enflamed debate and deepened division.” That was certainly so—abortion rights had become, for many Americans, more important than the wars in the Middle East at the time.
The decision seemed to end here. “It is time to heed the Constitution and return the issue of abortion to the people’s elected representatives. ‘The permissibility of abortion, and the limitations, upon it, are to be resolved like most important questions in our democracy: by citizens trying to persuade one another and then voting.’” But the opinion was only just beginning; more than 80 percent of the opinion was yet to come.
Jayson and Ellen offer advice for anxious new dads. Why do many new dads struggle to enjoy parenting? What happens when men become aware of their relational needs for the first time, and how should they approach meeting those needs? Should new dads consider therapy? What kind of support should new dads seek from their male friends? What about sex? If you’re a new parent or know new parents, you won’t want to miss this.
The realization that your husband has been cheating on you comes as a massive blow that makes you feel like the life you’ve built so painstakingly is crumbling before your eyes. You’re left grappling with a whirlwind of emotions — hurt, anger, shame, and pain — and may struggle to find a way forward. The aftermath of infidelity is a hellish experience for both the cheater and the betrayed spouse. It becomes even more unbearable if you begin to see signs your husband misses his affair partner.
That’s because if he is still pining for her, there is a good chance your husband still has feelings for affair partner. Talk about adding insult to injury. Now, given the fragile emotional state you’d likely be in ever since you started seeing the signs your husband is having an affair only to have your worst fears come true, it’s important to make sure that you’re reading the situation right.
Does he miss the other woman or is it merely remorse or cheating guilt manifesting in different ways? It’s imperative to know the difference to deal with the situation effectively. To help you make the distinction, I shine the light on some of the most common signs a married man has feelings for his mistress and misses her, with insights from relationship experts and couples counselors.
11 Signs Your Husband Misses His Affair Partner — Heartbreaking But True
A friend of mind — let’s call her Jane — found herself faced with the dreadful reality that her husband of 13 years had fallen in love with his affair partner and pined for her almost a year after he supposedly ended the affair when she heard him mumbling her name in his sleep. It was, then, that she started paying closer attention to his behavior, and it became clear to her that while her husband had chosen to stay married to her, he was merely going through the motions since.
She confided in me one day, “I can’t remember the last time he genuinely laughed or felt excited by something. It’s like I’m living with the shell of the man he used to be. The signs my husband wants another woman are clear as day. It breaks my heart to see him, to see us, live this way. Why does he miss the other woman so much? Why aren’t I good enough for him?”
Jane, ultimately, decided that there was no point dragging on a dead marriage and they parted ways. Coming to terms with the fact that her husband missed his affair partner even after ending things with her was harder for her to come to terms with than the incident of infidelity itself. She is still working through post-infidelity stress disorder and trying to rebuild her life.
When your husband misses his affair partner, there will be an inevitable emotional distance between you
Weighing in on why this happens, psychotherapist Dr. Aman Bhonsle says, “The signs your husband misses his affair partner emerge only if that relationship was rooted in intense feelings. If he felt supported and better understood in that connection, there was trust and good sexual chemistry, he may long for his affair partner even if chose to end that relationship for whatever reasons.”
Now, the question is, how do you find out if something similar has been happening in your marriage? Here are some heartbreaking but accurate signs your husband misses his affair partner you ought to pay attention to:
1. He seems emotionally withdrawn
Does he miss the other woman? This question is bound to cross your mind, particularly if you’re trying to reconcile and rebuild your relationship after infidelity. One of the most telling indicators that your husband still has feelings for affair partner and misses her is that he becomes emotionally withdrawn.
He may not want to communicate with you
He may shy away from spending time with you
He may seem preoccupied
He may exhibit signs of emotional numbness
A man may struggle to figure out how to get over an affair partner if that relationship was rooted in a deep emotional connection. If he and his affair partner stuck by each other through thick and thin, helped each other in times of crisis and became a source of support and comfort, a man may miss that genuine give-and-take of care and compassion.
Another one of the clear signs your husband misses his affair partner is that the decision to end that relationship has taken a toll on his emotional well-being. As a result, he may become more irritable and moodier. Counseling psychologist Anugrah Edmonds says, “Unresolved feelings for an affair partner can lead to a relationship dynamic of stonewalling. It can cause extreme mood swings and make men lose control over their emotions, leading to irritability and angry outbursts.”
To heal from the blow of infidelity, both partners need to put the incident behind them and not drudge it up over and over again once they’ve processed their emotions and decided to give their relationship another chance. However, if your partner invariably brings up his affair partner, often as a way of comparing you to her (and she always comes out looking good in that comparison), it’s one of the undeniable signs he misses his affair partner. It also indicates that he was deeply invested in that relationship — perhaps, to the point that he was considering leaving marriage for affair partner — and is struggling to get over her.
4. You can sense that he feels trapped in the marriage
Statistics suggest that only 5-7% of people leave their spouses for a long-term relationship/marriage with their affair partners. In the majority of cases, when push comes to shove, people choose marriage over extramarital affairs. Dr. Bhonsle says, “This could be due to a variety of reasons such as societal disapproval, family pressure, not wanting to put the children through the agony of a divorce, or not disrupting the logistical support offered by the spouse.”
However, just because he chose to end the affair doesn’t mean that all the feelings he had for that person will go away instantly. If your husband was emotionally invested, he may struggle to figure out how to get over an affair partner. Or if he was planning on leaving marriage for affair partner, all those dashed hopes and dreams may make him miserable. As a result, you may begin to see clear signs he feels trapped in the marriage, these include:
5. He hasn’t made an effort to repair his relationship with you
While possible, repairing a relationship after cheating is no joke. Understandably, the lion’s share of the responsibility falls on the cheating partner. As counseling psychologist Jui Pimple says, “If you have broken your partner’s trust, you have to work hard to earn it back.”
However, if your partner has taken no initiative to make amends or work toward rebuilding trust and repairing his relationship with you ever since you’ve navigated the turmoil of spotting the signs your husband is having an affair to actually uncovering his transgressions, it could be because his heart’s not in it. This is one of the clearest signs a married man has feelings for his mistress and misses her.
6. He is still secretive about his phone
As you begin to notice the signs your husband is having an affair and then go on to discover his infidelity, trust gets completely shattered. To be able to heal from this setback, you need to work on rebuilding the trust. Counseling psychologist Ridhi Golecha says, “Both partners need to commit to total transparency and honesty if they want to rebuild the lost trust.” However, if your husband is still grappling with the question of how to get over an affair partner and yearns for her, he may not make good on this promise.
11 Signs Your Husband Misses His Affair Partner
7. He gets defensive
When recovering from the setback of infidelity, a couple has to have several difficult conversations. As the betrayed partner, you may have several questions to ask your unfaithful spouse, and if he committed to rebuilding the relationship, he will answer these questions and try to assuage your concerns.
However, if your husband gets defensive and irritable whenever you bring up his transgressions and doesn’t want to hear a word against his affair partner, it’s a worrying sign. You may wonder, “Why does my husband defend his affair partner?” Well, because he likely still has feelings for her and missed having her in his life. The signs of his emotional investment in the other woman cannot get more glaring than that.
8. He stalks his affair partner on social media
My college roommate and best friend, Shirley, found out that her husband was having an affair with his. To give the marriage another chance and start afresh, the couple moved to Canada. Five years and two kids later, she chanced upon the woman’s name in her husband’s Facebook search history. She became vigilant and started tracking his social media activity on the sly.
To her dismay, she found that her husband would stalk his ex and former affair partner for hours every day. “Why does he miss the other woman so much even after all this time? What does this mean for my marriage? I upended my entire life to give this relationship another chance, and now I don’t know what to do,” she said.
If you notice something similar in the post-infidelity phase of your marriage, it should put you on the alert. Social media stalking is a clear indicator of residual feelings and the fact that your husband hasn’t been able to figure out how to get over an affair partner.
9. The intimacy in your relationship has taken a hit
Rebuilding intimacy after the storm of infidelity has shaken up the very foundation of your relationship is not easy. Counseling psychologist Nandita Rambhia says, “Most couples experience awkwardness when trying to be intimate after one partner’s unfaithfulness has come to light because there are a lot of mental blocks that can impede emotional connection and sexual intimacy.”
However, in cases where the cheating partner has truly moved on from the affair, there is an intent as well as a sincere effort to bridge this gap and make amends. On the other hand, if your husband is still emotionally hung up on his affair partner, he may show no interest in reviving emotional and physical intimacy in the relationship. If you’ve been asking, “What are the signs my husband wants another woman?”, this is the one you need to look out for.
10. He reminisces about his affair partner with close friends or a confidant
Ending an affair doesn’t mean that all the feelings he had for that person will go away instantly
It’s unlikely that your husband will be so audacious as you reminisce about the other woman in front of you or talk about her in a way that leaves you wondering, “Why does my husband defend his affair partner?” However, if he does still have feelings for her and misses her, he might let all the longing and heartache slip in front of close friends or a confidant he trusts with his life.
If you’re looking for signs your husband misses his affair partner, it can help to test how the people in his inner circle react to the mention of that woman. Of course, only if you trust them and know that they know about your spouse’s transgression. Anything short of a resounding reiteration of the fact that he regrets his actions and has put the affair behind him is a red flag that your husband hasn’t yet figured out how to get over an affair partner.
11. He prioritizes everything except your marriage
Does he miss the other woman? What are the signs my husband wants another woman? Do these questions weigh on your mind? Well, that, in itself, is an indicator that something is amiss. These questions are the outcome of your instincts picking up on his lack of investment in the marriage and desire to be with the other woman.
If that relationship was intense enough that your husband was considering leaving marriage for affair partner and has decided to stay only because of societal or familial obligations and pressures, he will make no real effort to repair his relationship with you. In this case, he may prioritize everything — his work, his friends, his parents, your kids, his hobbies — over your marriage. Being so checked out from the marriage is among the glaring signs your husband misses his affair partner.
There is no easy way to come to terms with the fact that perhaps your husband was considering leaving marriage for affair partner and has stayed back only because he felt compelled to or deal with the signs your husband misses his affair partner.
However, Dr. Bhonsle says, “Remember, you always have a choice. The choice available to you may not be pleasant, comfortable, or what you had hoped for, which is why exploring it can seem daunting. But it’s always there.” With that in mind, let’s explore what you can do if you discover that your husband still has feelings for his affair partner and misses her.
What To Do If Your Husband Still Has Feelings For Affair Partner
“I see the signs my husband wants another woman and I just don’t care,” said no woman ever. The realization that your husband is harboring feelings for the other woman and misses having her in his life can be just as traumatic as the discovery of the affair, if not more. So, how do you deal with this and find a way forward?
Allow yourself to experience whatever feelings, emotions, and thoughts this realization brings up, and find a way to express them. Remember, it’s okay to be angry, hurt, or in pain.
Only once you’ve worked through the emotional turmoil brought on by your husband’s emotional investment in his affair partner can you begin to look for a way forward. For this, Dhriti offers the following tips:
Have a conversation with your husband: This might just be one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do, but there is no alternative to a direct conversation once you see the signs your husband misses his affair partner. Tell them that you’ve noticed that he still pines for her and discuss what it means for the future of your marriage
Remember it takes two to make a marriage work: Your husband’s response will tell you all you need to know about the fate of your marriage. You cannot keep a relationship afloat single-handedly, and if your husband shows no interest in making things work, you might just have to accept that it’s the end of the road to your marital journey. On the other hand, if he admits to missing his affair partner and says he needs time to work through his feelings and reconnect with you, there’s still hope
Consider couples therapy: Rebuilding a marriage in the aftermath of an affair can be a tall order, and often, people lack the wherewithal to navigate it on their own. If you see hope for reconciliation despite your husband’s lingering feelings for this affair partner, going into couples therapy may be your best bet for turning a corner. If you’re looking for expert help to navigate this turmoil, Bonobology’s counseling services are here for you·
Be kind to yourself: Along with hurt and anger, a partner’s infidelity inevitably brings feelings of shame, guilt, and inadequacy in its wake. As you watch your husband pine for his affair partner, you’re bound to go down the rabbit hole of, “Why am I not good enough for him?” In moments like these, you need to be kind to yourself and commit to taking care of yourself, emotionally as well as physically
Key Pointers
Your husband may miss his affair partner if that relationship was rooted in intense feelings
Signs your husband missed his affair partner include being emotionally withdrawn, irritable, and moody, feeling trapped in the marriage, and not making an effort to repair his relationship with you
If you realize that your husband misses his affair partner, have a conversation with him about it. His response will tell you all you need to know about the fate of your marriage
If you see a glimmer of hope that he wants to work through his complicated emotional state to reconnect with you, consider couples therapy
Through it all, be kind to yourself and commit to taking care of yourself
If you could relate to most or all of the signs your husband misses his affair partner, I’m extremely sorry for what you’re going through right now. This is a difficult time, no doubt, but know that it will pass. As Hal Borland says, “No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn.”
FAQs
1. How long will it take my husband to get over his affair partner?
It’s hard to offer a specific timeline for how long it takes a man to get over his affair partner, as the answer to the question depends on a variety of factors such as the emotional connection he shared with his affair partner, the length and nature of the affair, the state of his relationship with his spouse, and his own personality and emotional baggage. However, in the case of long-term affairs, it can take anywhere up to a year to bounce back emotionally.
2. Does a man miss his affair partner?
If a man shared a deep connection with his affair partner, was emotionally attached to her and not just in it for physical needs, and felt supported, understood, and loved by her, he will miss his affair partner.
As part of the Morning Lazziness series about empowering women who encourage and do incredible things with their ideas in society, I had the pleasure of interviewing Elizabeth Nelson.
Elizabeth Nelson, the founder of Farm Fueled Nutrition, is a wife, mom, and advocate for the power of whole foods in promoting wellness and longevity. After experiencing personal loss due to illness and disease, Elizabeth was inspired to create a business that encourages others to live healthy, long lives. At 52 years old, she is passionate about helping other women feel better and stronger about their bodies.
Here’s what we found out about Elizabeth‘s daily routine, followed by an exclusive Q+A.
Can you share the story behind your journey as an entrepreneur? What inspired you to start your own business?
The inspiration behind my journey in founding Farm Fueled Nutrition stems from a personal experience of losing friends and family to illness and disease. This profound loss ignited a desire to give back and make a positive impact in the field of health and wellness. Growing up in Iowa, where farming is a part of my heritage, I developed a deep appreciation for the connection between food and well-being. Now being a small food grower in NW Montana, I created Farm Fueled Nutrition as a platform to inspire others to grow their own food and embrace the healing power of nutritious, farm-fresh ingredients.
What challenges have you faced as a woman in the business world, and how have you overcome them?
As a woman in the e-commerce industry with a superfood greens product, my biggest challenge is the intense competition. The superfood greens market is big with competitors right now, making it crucial to stand out and differentiate myself and my brand. However, by leveraging my expertise, knowing my exact demographics, conducting thorough market research, building a strong brand, and networking with like-minded individuals, I feel like I am overcoming these challenges and thriving in the e-commerce space.
How do you balance your professional and personal life as an entrepreneur?
Balancing my personal and professional life as an entrepreneur can be demanding, yet it’s the most rewarding thing I’ve done for myself. After struggling with loss and loneliness after the death of my parents and 2 closest friends, finding something I’m passionate about became my biggest endeavor. I run a homestead and my husband travels for work; I even homeschooled our kids for a few years so I knew I could balance life well as an entrepreneur. I work really hard and love the accountability of needing to get things done every day.
What strategies have you found most effective for networking and building connections in your industry?
This is probably my favorite part of the business. I love networking and sharing my story. I believe my story is what sets me apart and what’s unique to my brand. Farm Fueled Nutrition was birthed through the pain of loss and finding hope again. I have met so many amazing people on this journey and I’m super excited for all the opportunities to connect while waiting to happen.
How do you approach mentorship and seeking guidance in your entrepreneurial journey?
I actually reached out to a coaching company in the beginning stages which really helped me narrow down my product and gave me direction with amazing resources. I think everyone needs a coach at different stages during the entrepreneurial journey. The contacts, resources, guidance, accountability, all play apart in my continual success; and the coaches have now become friends. Every business owner knows you can’t do it alone.
Can you talk about a specific setback or failure you’ve experienced in your business, and how you bounced back from it?
For me it’s always about moving forward, I think the hard times developed that tenacity in me. Yeah, I have days when everything doesn’t seem to be going right, and I just tell myself ‘I’m still learning’. We had a house fire a few years ago, renters put hot coals on our back porch and completely destroyed our house that my husband and I spent 6 years building. We spent most of the last 2 years rebuilding it together, while at the same time building this brand. I know how important it is to keep going.
How do you stay motivated and resilient during tough times in your business?
Like I said, tough times have been a part of my life, so I’ve had to be resilient. I have a pretty powerful WHY?, and that is my main motivation. I believe when you work for something bigger than yourself, it makes you stronger. I have gained a lot of inner strength through loss which makes it easier to deal with the hard times in business. I have a lot of people who are no longer with me that are a reminder of why I am working so hard. Their spirit encourages me every day.
In what ways do you prioritize diversity and inclusion within your company or startup?
I work with a lot of different people, and in this business of e-commerce, most people work from home so you don’t really know their backgrounds. I work with people from all around the world, different races and cultures, and I love the diversity.
What advice would you give to other aspiring women entrepreneurs who are just starting out?
I have a new coaching program too where I encourage women to pursue their dreams. There will always be something, and there is never the ‘right’ time. I have 2 things that have gotten me to where I am. 1) taken from Mel Robbins, “The 5 Second Rule”, as soon as you dream it, do it. Don’t let that moment go by. And 2) Do one hard thing everyday! That’s my rule, I created! If you can get past that one hard thing that you created to be hard in your mind, you will succeed. One day at a time!
Can you share a memorable success or milestone that you’ve achieved in your entrepreneurial career?
Everything I’ve done this past year has been a memorable milestone. When you first start out, it is all a dream. But little by little, each contact I made created new opportunities. One person led me to the next! And here I am now, over one year later, in retail shops, selling all across the country, and even have a sponsorship with NASCAR. I have an article in NASCAR Magazine coming out in a few weeks. Take the chance. And create something amazing!
As part of the Morning Lazziness series about empowering women who encourage and do incredible things with their ideas in society, I had the pleasure of interviewing Caroline Smith.
Caroline Smith started her business, The Introverted Misfit,to help socially awkward and anxious people create fulfilling personal and work relationships by improving their social and communication skills. After about a decade of being frustrated, depressed, and unsatisfied with how much her lack of social skills was stunting her personal and eventually her professional growth, she had had enough of constantly avoiding social outings just to prevent potential social interactions with people and being viewed as that extremely shy and socially awkward woman that won’t even look people in the eye. Because she was able to overcome her social and communication skills deficits with education and practice, she sought out to help anyone struggling with socializing and finding community learn how to connect with others, create fruitful relationships, and live a full life.
Here’s what we found out about Carolina’s daily routine, followed by an exclusive Q+A.
Can you share the story behind your journey as an entrepreneur? What inspired you to start your own business?
Since I was a child, my parents began to notice some very noticeable differences in the way I communicated and socialized with my peers versus how other kids my age socialized and made friends; it was clear to them that I had some pretty severe deficits in my communication skills. Worse yet, these differences didn’t seem to be getting better with age and maturity as they had expected. This led them to seek professional help for me when I was a teenager which led to my diagnosis with high-functioning Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD), a neurological disorder that affects how people interact with others, communicate, learn, and behave.
In my case, ASD manifested in me displaying socially awkward tendencies that made it very difficult for me to make friends throughout all of my schooling years and the first few years of my professional life as a software engineer. All of those factors were the source of social anxiety that made me so scared of social interactions that I would do anything just to avoid attention to the extent that I was severely limiting my personal and professional growth.
Fast forward some years later, and I took the necessary steps to overcome my severe social awkwardness which consequently cured my social anxiety, and that inspired me to launch my business, The Introverted Misfit, so that I could help anyone – with or without a disorder – improve their lives by overcoming social awkwardness and the social anxiety that often comes with it.
What challenges have you faced as a woman in the business world, and how have you overcome them?
Although I know there are women out there who may face some stigma and bias in the business world and those problems may arise further along in my entrepreneurial journey, I’ve been lucky enough thus far in my career to have a network of professionals that believe in my business enough to give me and my ideas support and space in the industry. I believe in myself enough that if and when challenges arise relating to being a woman entrepreneur, I can face them head on just like any other challenge I’ve overcome.
How do you balance your professional and personal life as an entrepreneur? I think it’s a little different in my case, because since my business pertains to a disorder that I will live with for the rest of my life, I feel like my business and my personal life are indistinguishable a lot of the time. I’m constantly having to remind myself not to behave in a way that will make others perceive me as socially awkward, closed-off, or unaware of my behavior, which is really the whole premise of my business, so by default my mind is always in business mode.
Generally, though, I’d say I balance my professional and personal life by doing things that I genuinely enjoy which have nothing to do with work, like gardening, going for long walks with my phone on silent, hanging out with friends and family, trying new dinner recipes, doing puzzles, and reading. I also have rules about not checking business emails or website sales on the weekends and/or when I’m spending time with friends and family.
What strategies have you found most effective for networking and building connections in your industry?
At this stage in my entrepreneurial journey, I’ve found that hosting my own podcast, guest appearing on other people’s podcasts, and doing social media outreach have been great ways to network within my industry. My podcast Small Talk for Big Connectionsgives me more visibility among my industry peers because a lot of them also have podcasts and are therefore always looking for other podcasters with whom they can collaborate, and it’s also a way to gain credibility in my industry because my peers can hear that I have valuable and insightful commentary about common topics in our realm.
I also participate in my industry as much as I can with social media outreach. This includes leaving insightful comments on people’s posts, videos, and other forms of content. This approach has helped me build a strong rapport with other business owners and potential clients, which has allowed me to make a handful of high-quality connections with peers less than a year into starting my business.
How do you approach mentorship and seeking guidance in your entrepreneurial journey?
I always try to approach seeking guidance from mentors with both confidence and humility. When you’re asking someone you admire for wisdom, I think it’s important to come from a place of respect and humility so that they know you appreciate their expertise, but I also don’t think you have to lower your own value and abilities to do that; in fact, I think maintaining a healthy level of confidence makes it known that you’re admiration is coming from a genuine place and not just trying to flatter them.
Can you talk about a specific setback or failure you’ve experienced in your business, and how you bounced back from it?
I’d say a major setback that prevented me from moving my business forward when I was just starting was underestimating the value of networking and collaborating. I went into it thinking that I could establish a name for myself without anyone else’s help, which I can admit was a pretentious attitude to have. Now that I’ve moved past that mindset of trying to do everything alone, I’ve gotten to see the value that comes when other credible business owners in your industry endorse you and trust you enough to share your work with their audience. Nobody gets ahead in this world alone, especially not as an entrepreneur.
In what ways do you prioritize diversity and inclusion within your company or startup?
Although I am a solopreneur, I aim to collaborate with a wide variety of business owners with different backgrounds, experiences, ages, and identities via my podcast. When it comes to my field of communication and social skills improvement, I believe everyone has something valuable to offer the conversation because we all are expected to work well with each other in one form or fashion, whether it’s at school, at your job, in a community service gig, at the grocery store, or anywhere.
How do you stay motivated and resilient during tough times in your business?
I use my long term goals as motivation to not get discouraged; I remind myself that the work I do with my business is important to the world and this period of struggle will not last forever; and I take things one day at a time by asking myself, “What is one thing I can accomplish today that will get me closer to helping my audience in some way, and eventually closing a sale?”
What advice would you give to other aspiring women entrepreneurs who are just starting out?
Quickly get rid of the mindset that your entrepreneurial journey will have immediate success; it’s a recipe for being disappointed and unmotivated. Starting a business from the ground up really is a long term game, and if you enter with the mindset that things are going to be easy and/or fast, you’ll always doubt yourself and your abilities when things don’t go as planned. Progress is usually slow and steady, but if you’re patient, put in the work, and network/collaborate with people in your industry, you’ll see the rewards eventually. In regards to starting your own business, I’ve come to find that the old saying is true: nothing worth having or worth doing comes easy.
Can you share a memorable success or milestone that you’ve achieved in your entrepreneurial career?
My most memorable milestone thus far in my journey wasn’t even making my first sale; it was booking my first guest podcast collaboration just 1 month into starting to do industry outreach. It was the first time someone known as a trusted expert in my industry saw the value in what I was doing with my business, and from that point on, I’ve carried a new level of confidence and motivation in my entrepreneurial journey. No matter how down and out I feel about what I have to offer the world, I just think back to that time when I first felt that my services and ideas had been publicly validated.
Everything old is new again, at least when it comes to laws restricting how LGBTQ+ people present themselves and move in the world. As drag bans and bathroom bills have proliferated across the country, it’s telling how similar they are to the sort of presentation bans—laws that banned so-called cross-dressing, for example—that LGBTQ+ people have had to contend with for decades.
It’s a rerun of the tired old saw that it’s OK to be queer as long as you don’t look queer.
Presentation bans restricted how people could dress based on traditional gender roles. They’re nothing new—these “cross-dressing” laws date back to the mid-1800s. An early example was an 1848 Columbus, Ohio law that barred anyone from appearing in public in “a dress not belonging to his or her sex.” These laws served to criminalize nonconforming gender presentation—and by the 1960s, these laws were everywhere in the country.
Legal historian Kate Redburn noted last year that these laws were consistent with laws criminalizing prostitution, so-called sexual deviance, and public indecency “as part of a broader attempt to impose upper-class white Christian morality on the new urban masses.” These laws were directly challenged in court from the 1960s to the 1980s, but perhaps the biggest reason they largely disappeared was that once-nonconformist sartorial choices, such as women wearing pants, became commonplace.
In striking down a “cross-dressing” law in 1975, for example, an Ohio court wrote that “at the present time, clothing is sold for both sexes which is so similar in appearance that ‘a person of ordinary intelligence’ might not be able to identify it as male or female dress.” However, the United States never really fully excised the conservative impulse to enforce traditional gender roles, which is part of the reason we now find ourselves facing new instruments of enforcement and control. And just as before, these new anti-trans laws are part of a broad push to force a very specific type of conservative white Christian morality on the nation as a whole.
JayBella Banks
It’s tough to remember that just eight short years ago, North Carolina’s passage of a bathroom bill targeting transgender individuals resulted in an immediate—and expensive—backlash. The NBA moved the All-Star game out of the state, while the NCAA said it would relocate multiple tournaments. PayPal canceled a planned operations center in Charlotte. Bruce Springsteen pulled out of a concert in Greensboro. The law didn’t last a year before much of it was rolled back. Now, though, 12 states have laws requiring people to use bathrooms that match the sex they were assigned at birth.
Drag bans have faced more headwinds, suffering a series of setbacks in state legislatures and courts. Defeats aren’t slowing conservatives down, however. They just keep hammering state legislatures with the proposed laws. In 2024 alone, 25 drag-related bills have been considered in 12 states as of publication, according to the ACLU.
Now, restrictions and proposed restrictions are so prevalent that the large-scale boycott North Carolina faced is impossible to imagine. Last year, California was forced to repeal its travel ban. Originally passed in the wake of North Carolina’s 2016 law, the travel ban prohibited the use of state money to travel to states with anti-LGBTQ+ laws. However, as Republicans managed to pass a broad range of those anti-LGBTQ+ laws in 26 states, California’s ban on state-funded travel to more than half the country became untenable.
It isn’t just drag bans and bathroom bans, either.
Last year, the Texas Department of Agriculture issued a dress code that requires employees “to comply with this dress code in a manner consistent with their biological gender.” The code doesn’t define what that means, because doing so would make it a far less useful tool for enforcing gender conformity. The code also buckles under the weight of modernity, acknowledging as it must that women are allowed to wear pants.
These laws and codes inevitably reach beyond criminalizing the movement of trans individuals. People who are gender nonconforming, such as butch women or femme men, are often challenged when they try to use the bathroom. This is true even though, under the conservative demand that people use bathrooms that conform to their sex assigned at birth, these folks are, in fact, in the correct bathroom.
Some bathroom bills cover all K-12 schools, colleges, and government-owned buildings or spaces. Some cover just K-12 schools, while others cover some government buildings but not others, according to the Movement Advancement Project. Proposed drag bans are similarly haphazard: North Dakota’s proposed ban characterized all drag shows as “adult-oriented,” making them equivalent to strip clubs, while West Virginia lawmakers floated a ban that appeared to criminalize transgender people being around minors, period. The net effect is that it is impossible to know for sure what is permitted and what is prohibited.
This is a feature, not a bug. Just as the earlier “cross-dressing” laws were vague enough to make any non-conformity treacherous, modern-day analogs do the same. Anyone who falls outside the mainstream of traditional gender presentations, regardless of whether they happen to also be queer, now faces heightened scrutiny thanks to a patchwork of laws across the country.
All of these laws and proposals have one goal: making LGBTQ+ people—or anyone else not wedded to traditional gender roles—feel uncomfortable and unsafe. If people feel unsafe in this fashion, they will retreat from public life or radically change their self-presentation to conform better. Conservatives are likely thrilled with either result, as in both cases, they will have robbed queer people of their ability to fully and authentically participate in society. And that’s exactly the point.
As a dating coach for the past 25+ years, I counsel my clients at 33000Dates.com on a weekly basis—from choosing the right dates online, how to write a dating profile, selecting the right site, to how to message men, and how to set up that first in-real-life-date.
So, here’s my past week and what my single clients learned:
Lesson 1: You may kiss a lot of frogs until you meet the “one”.Carrie, 37, a dentist from NYC has been my client for the past 2.5 months and gone on 4-5 first dates each month on average. Two weeks ago, she was discouraged—ready to give up. Then, last week, she met Jack, 42, an attorney from Brooklyn. It was instant chemistry—they both love chess, volunteer at an animal shelter and laughed the entire 90 minutes. She called me excited as he’d invited her sailing on Saturday. A 6-Hour date. Date #3 with Jack coming up. It only takes one!
Lesson 2: Text/Message Four Times…then stop!
Daniel, 64, widowed, from Boston is a bit reserved, though with a quick laugh. His first 3 weeks with me, no dates. Were there women he was messaging online? Oh yes! As the two of us (in our weekly session) hopped on the dating site together and I looked at his conversations, I said, “What, oh no!”. Yes, he was having lovely chats with 4 women—and 5,6,7 messages back and forth. Stop, Daniel. We immediately sent a text to each “Wow, I’d like to meet you. How is lunch either Thursday or Friday this week”? Problem solved. Daniel is now going on real life dates and happily reporting back to me.
Lesson 3: Practice makes Perfect.
Olivia, 68, from Laguna Beach, Ca was recently divorced after a 35-year marriage. Ready to date? Yes. Nervous? Yes. The most important issue for Olivia? It’s to get 4 first dates under her belt. Why? The first time you play pickleball or try Pilates, you may be a bit apprehensive. By the 4th time you hit the court, voila, you know what to expect. That’s no different than dating. As I told her on the phone when she initially called me to see if we’d be a good fit working together, after 4-5 dates she’d be smiling and having easy conversation. She admitted her dating skills which she thought long forgotten were back by date #3.
Lesson 4: Pick the Right Dating Site.
When Tim, 53 from Boston called me mid-June, he was frustrated. Hinge was not working for him. I asked him how he’d chosen this dating app, and he told me his 27-year-old daughter suggested it. I explained how I chose dating sites for my clients: 50% my gut from working with singles for over 28 years (and over 65% in serious relationships) and second from paid research I received monthly on the top 100 dating sites (can you believe there are 1400 sites/apps out there in the US?!) where I look hard at the demographics, ratios of men vs. women, age groups, and more. Yes, Hinge would be terrific for his 27-year-old daughter. Once we got Tim on the right site, he began going on well-matched dates with women he liked. He recently went on his fifth date with Joanna, a 56-year-old realtor and my fingers are crossed!
Lesson 5: Engaging, Fresh Photos Produce Results.
Jill, a 46-year-old single woman from Chicago contacted me in February after dating became a full-time, dreaded job, she thought. She was not meeting the quality nor going on first dates through the two dating sites she was using. After my zoom call with her, I was surprised. Super cute. Quick smile. Then…she sent me the photos she had posted. While current, they were poor quality, low resolution and most looked like posed LinkedIn headshots. We fixed that fast! We hired a local photographer specializing in online dating shots, and after a 3-hour shoot, we had photos of her horse back riding (her favorite hobby), on the tennis court, casually walking around DT Chicago and Lincoln Park—fun, natural photos. Her response rate shot up, her dates increased, she met Brian, 44, and they’ve been dating since April. The photos were fun and many men commented on that!
My goal is to always make dating fun for my clients and take the work aspect out of the dating equation. Many singles just don’t know where to begin navigating online dating and this is what I love doing!
Andrea McGinty has been featured on Oprah several times as America’s Premier Dating expert. She founded the iconic It’s Just Lunch dating service in 1991 — before internet dating! After selling it with over 100 locations globally, she then founded 33000Dates.com realizing, again, the help singles needed navigating online dating. In the 2020’s, she is more than ever convinced the best way to meet people is through online dating, using a professional coach/expert. Andrea thinks she has the best job in the world and specializes in singles in their thirties to seventies!
As part of the Morning Lazziness series about empowering women who encourage and do incredible things with their ideas in society, I had the pleasure of interviewing Nancy Barkley.
With over 25 years of experience in the travel and event planning industry, Nancy Barkley is a distinguished professional who took the entrepreneurial leap in 2005. She founded Honeymoons and Get-A-Ways, a Philadelphia-based agency that prides itself on crafting unique and memorable weddings and events across the globe. Nancy’s commitment to delivering exceptional, personalized experiences has earned her a reputation for excellence.
Nancy’s profound impact on the industry has garnered recognition from prestigious directories such as Marquis Who’s Who. Her expertise and insights have been sought after by major media outlets, including Forbes, The New York Times, CNN, and MSN, where she has shared her knowledge and experience.
As an international speaker and moderator, Nancy’s reach extends beyond the confines of event planning. She engages with diverse audiences, from wedding planners and travel agents to consumers and fellow industry professionals. Her presentations delve into a variety of topics, all aimed at connecting with her audience on a deeper level, providing valuable insights, and inspiring them with her innovative approach.
Beyond her professional endeavors, Nancy is deeply invested in philanthropy. She actively supports causes that advance education, healthcare, environmental conservation, and human rights. Her ability to build strong relationships with clients and colleagues alike ignites her creativity and drives her success. This collaborative spirit has been a key factor in her ability to continuously innovate and adapt in the dynamic world of event planning.
Here’s what we found out about Nancy’s daily routine, followed by an exclusive Q+A.
Can you share the story behind your journey as an entrepreneur? What inspired you to start your own business?
In 2005, I found myself at a crossroads. My career in corporate America was steeped in a culture of rigidity, which posed a significant challenge for me as a working mother of three boys. The relentless demands of the corporate world left little space for the work-life harmony I yearned for.
This realization sparked a transformative decision. I chose to step away from the predictability of a 9-to-5 job to embark on an entrepreneurial adventure with Honeymoons and Get-A-Ways. It was a bold step, driven by the desire to master my schedule and create a nurturing environment for my family.
My venture into entrepreneurship wasn’t just about personal fulfillment—it was about crafting a service that resonates with the dreams of couples across the globe. Specializing in tailor-made weddings, honeymoons, elopements, and vow renewals, Honeymoons and Get-A-Ways stands as a testament to the power of passion and perseverance, offering bespoke experiences that celebrate love without borders.
What challenges have you faced as a woman in the business world, and how have you overcome them?
Throughout my career, I’ve navigated through a myriad of conventional, male-dominated paradigms. With unwavering grace and a perpetual smile, I’ve confronted these norms directly. My approach has always been to maintain the highest degree of respect and professionalism. I am a staunch advocate of the principle that true competence is defined by one’s knowledge and the adept execution of tasks, all of which are firmly rooted in diligent work and rich experience. This, I believe, is the quintessential ‘style’ that transcends all others.”
How do you balance your professional and personal life as an entrepreneur?
Striking the perfect equilibrium between professional endeavors and personal life is an art form, particularly as an entrepreneur. The mantra ‘family first’ resonates deeply with me and was a pivotal reason behind the inception of my own enterprise. Establishing clear boundaries and carving out moments of solitude are essential steps on this journey. As both a mother and a business proprietor, I’ve learned that to serve others effectively, I must first replenish my own reserves. It’s imperative to pause and rejuvenate, for running on empty benefits no one. Self-care is not just a luxury; it is a necessity that empowers me to be my best self for those around me.
What strategies have you found most effective for networking and building connections in your industry?
As a professional dedicated to the global event planning industry, I’ve discovered that actively participating in international conferences and speaking engagements offers unparalleled opportunities for building meaningful connections. These interactions are the cornerstone of my business, providing valuable collaborations and insights.
Nevertheless, I recognize that networking isn’t confined to physical events alone. Platforms like LinkedIn have been instrumental in expanding my professional network, offering a plethora of business connections. Additionally, I actively seek out virtual events that present opportunities for engagement and collaboration, ensuring a diverse and robust professional network.
How do you approach mentorship and seeking guidance in your entrepreneurial journey?
When I embarked on my entrepreneurial journey in 2005, I brought with me a wealth of experience in corporate travel and event planning. However, it’s crucial to understand that expertise in a field doesn’t necessarily equate to business acumen. Recognizing this, I pursued small business education and sought mentorship from seasoned entrepreneurs. This foundational step was instrumental in my success.
Today, I find myself in the privileged position of being a mentor. I have the honor of guiding aspiring entrepreneurs through the intricacies of starting their own ventures and navigating the entrepreneurial landscape. It’s a role I embrace with the same fervor I had when I first began.
Can you talk about a specific setback or failure you’ve experienced in your business, and how you bounced back from it?
Reflecting on my entrepreneurial journey, one notable challenge I encountered was the rapid expansion of my business, which I affectionately term ‘growing pains.’ Launching with zero clientele and building from the ground up, I was unprepared for the swift surge in growth that soon followed. This necessitated a swift pivot to scaling operations.
The learning curve was steep as I navigated the complexities of assembling a team. It was imperative to find individuals who not only shared my dedication and work ethic but also resonated with my vision for the company. The turning point came when I successfully formed a cohesive team committed to fostering our collective growth.
In what ways do you prioritize diversity and inclusion within your company or startup?
My business specializes in orchestrating global events and destination weddings. I am an avid speaker on cultural fluency and write about how destination wedding are a magical blend of love and local traditions, offering couples a chance to honor the cultural heritage of their wedding locale. My expertise lies in celebrating the union of love and culture within the enchanting realm of destination weddings, which is a hallmark of my professional portfolio.
How do you stay motivated and resilient during tough times in your business?
Resilience is the cornerstone of success in the travel and event industry. In the face of adversity, it’s essential to maintain a positive outlook, embrace innovative thinking, and continue to advance. The ability to adapt and evolve with the ever-changing landscape is paramount, as is learning the art of the strategic pivot to navigate through challenging times
What advice would you give to other aspiring women entrepreneurs who are just starting out?
Embarking on an entrepreneurial journey is an exhilarating endeavor, and the cornerstone of this venture is undoubtedly a robust business plan. Crafting a comprehensive business plan is not just a step; it’s a strategic blueprint that guides your path forward.
Even if you’re a seasoned expert in your field, running a business is a different ballgame. I strongly recommend enrolling in business courses to bridge any gaps in your entrepreneurial skill set. In the nascent stages of your business, it’s essential to have a grasp on various facets of the trade—from marketing and sales to business development, social media strategies, insurance, licensing, and the intricacies of incorporating your company.
Moreover, seek out a mentor who resonates with your vision. A mentor’s wisdom can illuminate your path, and their experience can help you navigate the complexities of entrepreneurship. Don’t hesitate to ask questions; curiosity is the fuel for learning and growth.
Can you share a memorable success or milestone that you’ve achieved in your entrepreneurial career?
One of the most memorable milestones in my career occurred 15 years ago when I was invited to speak publicly in New York City. Addressing a large audience for the first time was a daunting prospect, and I was incredibly nervous. Despite my extensive knowledge on “How to Plan a Successful Destination Wedding,” public speaking was uncharted territory for me.
Determined to succeed, I diligently prepared and practiced, ultimately taking a leap of faith. The session turned out to be a resounding success. Not only did it lead to new business opportunities, but it also paved the way for my career as a global public speaker.
Have you ever wondered how you can move on from someone you never dated? Perhaps you’ve been pining for them for months (or even years) . . . hoping they’ll finally notice you and see your value.
This great question is one of 7 I answer in today’s new video, based on the comments you left me last week. I also dig into topics like:
What’s the best way to start a long-distance relationship?
What’s your dating advice for people over 40?
Why did they change their mind about being ready for a relationship?
Don’t miss these, and once you’re done, be sure to leave a comment with a question you’d like me to answer next time!
Hello, everyone. Welcome back to the channel. I am Matthew Hussey, a coach specializing in confidence and relational intelligence, and I’m widely known for helping people find love. Last week, I answered a whole bunch of questions that you had sent in and left in the comments, and we thought we’d do a Part 2 of that video by having me do the same thing this week.
Before we get into the video, I would really appreciate if you would like this video, subscribe to the channel, and hit the notification bell, so that you do not miss the next video when it comes out.
Also, I made a commitment a long time ago to deliver free content for everybody on an ongoing basis. And one of the places I do that, in addition to this YouTube channel, is my ongoing newsletter where I am sending out a free newsletter full of advice, practical wisdom, and ideas that could help you find love or heal from lost love every Friday. And many of you have already signed up. It’s completely free. So, if you haven’t already, it’s atThe3Relationships.com.
Kelly says, “What are your top tips to starting a long-distance relationship?”
Firstly, be very careful about when you start calling it a relationship. There’s nothing wrong with meeting someone online, through the apps, someone long distance, and having this fun, flirtatious connection that starts to build. But in that time period, it probably isn’t the right thing to call it a relationship unless you’ve explicitly had that conversation. But it would be strange if you had it too soon. It could even be a red flag if someone is saying that to you too soon. But after a certain period, when you have that desire to start calling it a relationship, don’t let the desire turn into a reality in your mind that you’re now in a relationship when the two of you have never actually had that conversation.
Over the years, I’ve watched many, many hundreds of people give to this situation like it’s a relationship—be exclusive, give time, give energy, give effort, make trips—when the other person is not behaving like they’re in a relationship at all. And they never really had that conversation. It just became this assumption.
If you feel you’re in a relationship, I would start by having the conversation, so that you’re both on the same terms: “Hey, do we both feel the same way? For me to continue giving to this, it would have to be on the basis that we’re really giving this a try as a relationship, and that it’s an exclusive one.”
And once you’ve set the ground rules for that—okay, both of you have said yes to that. Now, you’re in a long-distance relationship. And at that point, it becomes: How do we navigate the difficulty of something that feels wholly unnatural, which is, we’re trying to have an intimate relationship at a geographical distance?
Well, firstly, there has to be a time on the horizon where you know you’re going to see each other. You’ve got to have something to look forward to. And as the relationship progresses, I would argue that there needs to be some kind of a vision for how you’re going to solve that issue in a sustainable way. What does this look like in a year, in two years? Are we actually going to be in the same place?
That doesn’t have to happen on Day 1, but there does gradually start to have to be a vision for: How does this problem get solved? Otherwise, we’re in a relationship where neither of us are actually taking on the reality that we haven’t solved it, and maybe we haven’t solved it because neither one of us is actually willing to do what it takes to permanently solve this situation.
In the meantime, when you’re trying to navigate it, I would say mixing up the energy that we bring to the table. It’s very easy for us to say, “I am long distance, so the kind of energy I give when I’m in the same room as someone, especially romantically, is off the table. Instead, I’m just going to do what I can do, which is to have very long in-depth conversations.” But if you think of any relationship where all it is, is one note of very long, in-depth conversations, eventually, it’s going to get boring. It’s going to get stale. It’s going to feel staid.
So, we have to mix up our energy. Are you being flirtatious? Are you still bringing your sexuality to the table, obviously, in ways that feel safe to you? Sending nudes and things like that represent real challenges and risks when it comes to potentially breaking up with someone or someone you can’t trust. That’s a whole different subject. But we’re talking about still bringing your sexual energy to the table, still bringing your playful energy to the table.
Can you have a 60-second funny voice note or call AND three hours spending the evening together, talking for that long? Can you be both?
The last thing I’ll say about this is: there’s being together in conversation and there’s being together in company. When you think about a relationship, sometimes you’re having conversation, and that’s quality time. Other times, you’re just in company with someone. You’re sitting next to each other on a sofa, reading books or watching a movie. It would be hard work if quality time always meant being in conversation.
If someone learns that the only way to connect with you is to have conversations with you, they’re going to start to feel the stakes are really high any time they want to be with you or around you, because it’s going to involve trying to have a conversation, and at a certain point, you will run out of things to talk about. That’s just natural.
So it might be time to be in company with them. That might mean hitting play on a movie at the same time from a long distance and watching a movie together. And then talking about the movie afterward. Don’t just be in conversation. Pick times to be in company, and that will lower the stakes for the time that you spend together. It also means that time spent together doesn’t always have to mean time away from other obligations and responsibilities that both of you have.
Glori says, “Do you see a connection between the physical pain you endured and the newfound level of love and vulnerability you orient from?”
Well, firstly, that’s a lovely compliment. Thank you. For those of you who don’t know, I write in my new book,Love Life, about my own journey with physical chronic pain, and how it lasted for many years. Part of that I still have, so it hasn’t completely gone away. It certainly did kind of crack me open. I think every challenge we have, every challenge I’ve ever had in life, has been an invitation to a greater degree of compassion, not just for myself, but for other people. I think every time we go through a challenge, we get more connected to what other people go through in life if we can widen our lens and not just see it as our pain. Because of course, none of our pain is original. Other people have experienced it—are experiencing it.
I always find that any challenge gives me a window into the challenges that other people have faced or are facing. That’s made me a more compassionate, loving, humble person every single time. My chronic pain was, I suppose, in some ways, my first encounter with something that truly made me miserable that I didn’t know how to change. I didn’t know how to make it go away. And I had to change my relationship with it. That was one of the most humbling experiences of my entire life. It was also, in many ways—and I’m not someone who throws this word around lightly—it was a spiritual experience to come to a place of acceptance with that.
So, yes. I don’t think it’s the only thing that’s made me loving and vulnerable, but I do think it gave me access to a depth that I hadn’t had access to before when I felt like I could always fix my problems. In this case, I couldn’t fix it. I had to change the impact it was having on me by changing my relationship with the challenge itself.
Marie says, “Why am I so obsessed with looking for things wrong in my relationships? Things that will hurt my heart, like looking at their exes on social media and then overanalyzing everything.”
So, on one hand, it might be that there’s a familiarity for you in looking for those kinds of things—that simply sitting back and enjoying the peace you might feel right now is deeply uncomfortable and unfamiliar, which is why it’s uncomfortable. Instead, going and looking for something that creates drama gives you something to feel jealous about, gives you something to feel insecure about. It’s much more familiar. And we’re drawn to what’s familiar—not necessarily to what makes us happy.
I want you to imagine that so far in life, your behavior in dating has been like an old vinyl record. And the groove in that vinyl that plays the song a certain way has been long since established.
So when you go on another date or when you start seeing someone you like, what happens is you put the needle on that record, and that record starts to play, because it’s the groove you established a long time ago.
You don’t necessarily have access to a different record to play right now, because you haven’t established those grooves. But you can. It requires conscious practice. It requires an awareness of, “Oh, I’m going to look at this person’s profile right now and dig deep into who they’ve been with before, or what their exes are like, or what they have that I don’t” as a kind of compulsion, because that’s the record I’ve been used to playing. I’m used to feeling these feelings of jealousy, of anxiety, of tension. I’m not used to not doing that and feeling a sense of peace.
But if I become aware as I’m about to do it—that that’s a behavior I feel drawn to not because they’re doing anything underhanded or behaving badly or giving me reasons to be suspicious, but because that’s the way the record plays for me. That’s the groove I’ve worn in over time.
When we get conscious of that, we become able to take a different path. And it may be that that path in the past served a need, maybe the need to feel safe, and as a result, that hypervigilance that’s had you looking for problems so you can go and meet them (instead of them surprising you) is something that’s made you feel safe. It’s felt like a form of control. But maybe these days, you’re ready to accomplish a feeling of safety in a new and more productive way—for example, in just having trust in yourself, that if anything were to come to light that would reveal this person wasn’t a good partner, you would be able to walk away, which means you don’t need to anticipate every problem.
You just need to show up as the best version of you and pay attention to the present and to what you’re actually seeing from this person, not trying to anticipate everything they could be or do in the future.
Grizle says, “I would love to hear more tips and advice for dating in our 40s and 50s. Everything seems to be targeted toward the younger generation. Why is it so hard to find love again, and what can we do to become our best self to attract a partner?”
Look, I have always maintained that the things I say are applicable at every age. I don’t think that, even when I’m talking about things like flirting, often people think, “Oh, you’re talking to younger people there.”
But of course, what makes us attractive at any age is the ability to both be sincere, but also be playful—the ability to be flirtatious, to not lose that energy.
I would challenge you to ask yourself: “What is the part of what Matthew is saying that I don’t think applies beyond a certain age?” Because I think the fundamentals apply at any age. If you’re in your 50s and you have come out of a long-term relationship or a divorce, or perhaps you’ve just struggled to meet someone in your life, the fundamentals are the same: How active is our life? Is it the kind of life that brings us into contact with other people?
A lot of the time, the older we get, the more our life contracts. We get into these routines and rhythms that can become quite staid. They’re very comfortable to us, but they may not be the kinds of routines that actually engage us socially with people we don’t already know.
Do our lives include communities, environments, events that bring us into contact with new people? Are we being brave in those areas? Because it does require some bravery. It’s hard.
The last thing I would ever tell you is that it’s easy, because the reality is, many people do experience feeling more invisible, feeling like they don’t have nearly the same amount of attention they had at a different stage of their life.
I think for that reason, we have to find ways of enjoying the process, because otherwise, we’ll never do the things that bring us into contact with opportunity. What are the activities that I might like to do regardless of whether I meet someone . . . but by doing those activities, I might actually meet someone? What other ways I could engineer my life to build myself into more new communities where I could meet new single friends? Where I could meet different types of people than maybe I’ve encountered in the past by not over-relying on only one thing, like a dating app?
You know, it’s very tempting to get into the comfort of a dating app. But then it can be very demoralizing when we find we’re not getting matches, or the kinds of people that are matching with us are sleazy or they’re not our type of person or they’re scamming us, which is very common these days. It can be extremely demoralizing, which is why I say you can do those things, but don’t make it your only source of new people in your life. That’s what we do, again, from a place of comfort and not actually putting ourselves out there in the real world.
I do empathize with what you’re feeling and what you’re going through. It’s hard when we’re not where we want to be at a certain stage in our life, and we feel like it’s gotten harder in the process. But I also want you to entertain the idea that at least a part of that is—not all of it, because some of that difficulty is real—but at least a part of it may be a story we’re telling ourselves about how it’s impossible, it’s never going to happen, or no one is ever going to want us. Instead, consider the idea that if you just woke up into your body right now at the age you are, and you felt the desire to meet someone without any of the baggage of the past, you might take a different approach and have a different energy toward going out there and meeting someone. And that energy might be the reason you do meet someone.
Min says, “How to move on from someone you have never dated? Feelings for him are so strong that it feels like something is dying inside.”
I’ve spoken about this at length in my book, Love Life. For anyone who hasn’t got a copy, I strongly advise that you read Chapter 2: “How to Tell Love Stories.” Because in it, I talk about the value we’re often placing on the wrong things—that a real relationship is so much more than the story we invent about how important a person is.
I have a much more backward-looking approach for relationships than forward-looking. In other words, a forward-looking approach is: Look at all the potential for this person. Look at all the potential for how happy they would make me. Look at what we could be together. And that is, by definition, a projection of a future that does not exist. So we could be right, I guess, but we’re only right if that future that we’ve anticipated actually happens. If it doesn’t happen, then we were wrong about how important this person was.
Whereas a backward-looking approach is saying: “Look at how extraordinary this person is who is in my life—all the ways they have shown up for me. Look at what we’ve built together. Wow, this is an important relationship. Wow, this is an important person in my life.”
And you don’t need your imagination for that exercise. You’re saying it because it’s true, because those are the facts, and I would argue that in order for you to feel like something is dying inside right now, you need a lot of imagination, because there’s an imagined idea of how important this person is in your life when they’re not living up to that idea at all, or the two of you would actually be in a thoroughly-fulfilling relationship with each other.
Once you realize that your pain is not actually coming from the importance of this person, but from the importance of the story in your mind, you can start to see that story for what it is—a story—and separate from it and observe it, the same way we do with our thoughts and mindfulness practices. And start to realize that the story is making it painful, not the reality.
Ana says, “Why was a guy telling me from the beginning that he wants something serious with me, and after two and a half months, all of a sudden, he said he is not ready for a relationship?”
Well, there could be many reasons for that. Maybe he got overexcited in the beginning and couldn’t back it up. It might be that he himself got excited about the possibility of a relationship, but the reality of a relationship was something he wasn’t really ready for. In which case, after two and a half months, he did you a giant favor, because it’s better that you learn that fact two and a half months in rather than a year in.
That’s the case for a lot of people: They get excited in the beginning—and it’s a sign of real immaturity. It can also be a sign of manipulation. Of course, their perspective is: “I tell you I want something serious even when I don’t, because I just want to get something from you.” But like I said, it can also be a sign of immaturity: “I feel so strongly. I’ve never felt like this. I haven’t felt like this in such a long time. You make me feel amazing. I want something serious with you.”
Especially if he felt like you would only be into him if he wanted something serious, and maybe felt you’d pull away a little bit. And he was like, “No, no, no. I want something serious with you. I can’t lose you.”
There’s an immaturity to that if the reality is he’s not available for a real relationship when it comes down to it. He starts noticing that a real relationship means that he actually has to get to know you, not just your projection. He has to be known. He has to actually share more about himself instead of just being the heroic version of himself.
When someone is immature about love and isn’t ready for an actual relationship, just a feeling of a relationship . . . they may initially get excited and then when those things start presenting themselves, when having a relationship actually requires a few calories, all of a sudden, they get completely overwhelmed by the reality of a relationship. And it sounds like two and a half months in, either he had been in manipulation mode or he had been very immature about his version of love or his idea of love. And he couldn’t then back that up when the reality of a relationship presented itself.
The other alternative is that during those two and a half months, he discovered that it wasn’t right for him, for whatever reason. That doesn’t mean it has anything to do with you. There can be many, many reasons why something isn’t right for someone that aren’t to do with you. And it was easier to tell you that it turns out, he wasn’t ready for a relationship, and to tell you he didn’t want a relationship with you.
The important thing for you to realize is that someone has made their intentions clear. All you need to do is look at the situation and go, “Is there anything I would like to do differently next time? Did I bring my best self to the table?” And if the answer is, “No, I didn’t. I’d like to do some things differently next time,” then this was a gift in giving you that insight. And if the answer is, “No, I brought my best to the table. This person just misled me about their intentions for a relationship or decided I wasn’t right for that relationship,” then you need to grieve the disappointment and keep moving forward, because the right person for you will last longer than two and a half months.
And Ana, if you haven’t already, I would suggest that you go and check outDating With Results. It’s a free training that I put together to help you seek out healthy, mature people who are ready for a real relationship, avoid the people who are not, see the early warning signs that someone is not, and have the conversations along the way that actually lead to something real.
For anyone out there dating right now, if you want to date productively, if you don’t want to waste your time, if you want to find the kind of love you’ve always been looking for instead of just more casual dating or something that presents as very exciting but then disappears as quickly as it came, this will be one of the most valuable hours you could spend for your love life. And it’s free.
All right. There seems to be one more question. This one is fromAudrey Hussey, who asks: “Who is more tidy, you or me?”
It’s definitely me. I don’t—she thinks that she’s more—she has a strange perception of herself as a more tidy person. What makes you think you’re more tidy?
AUDREY HUSSEY
I tidy up more than you do.
MATTHEW HUSSEY
No, you don’t.
AUDREY HUSSEY
I do.
MATTHEW HUSSEY
I’m way more—I do way more to—do I? I don’t want to say anything that isn’t true. I’m always tidying up after you. In our bathroom, your makeup is always everywhere. And I always put it back in the bag and put it there because every time we have a nice, clean bathroom, and your makeup is just—you just leave it out. Do you think it just magically goes back in the bag? Do you think you have a magic makeup bag?
AUDREY HUSSEY
You’re my magic makeup bag.
MATTHEW HUSSEY
You’re right. I’m your magic makeup bag. There you have it, folks. She’s not untidy. But I do more to tidy up after you than you do to tidy up after me. And that is a fact. And you could ask anyone, literally, anyone.
JEREMY
Yeah, but there’s a difference between who tidies up as they go, versus letting it all pile up . . .
AUDREY HUSSEY
You may do the makeup; I do everything else.
MATTHEW HUSSEY
Whose side are you on, Jeremy? Why are you defending this? (laughs)
Well, join us sometime in the future when we do this again, and Audrey uses this very public forum to air out her own personal grievances with me.
Leave us a comment, so that I can read them, because I like reading your comments on our videos. And I will see you soon.
Have you seen Dove’s powerful “Care Makes a Dad” campaign launched in 2019? This initiative aims to redefine traditional notions of masculinity and fatherhood by emphasizing the importance of care, compassion, and emotional involvement in parenting. Through thought-provoking videos, social media posts, and promotional materials, Dove highlights the diverse experiences of fathers from different backgrounds and encourages men to embrace their nurturing side.
Challenging Traditional Masculinity
One of the central themes of the “Care Makes a Dad” campaign is the idea that being a father is not just about providing financial support or discipline but also about being emotionally present and actively involved in a child’s life. The campaign features real fathers sharing stories of changing diapers, braiding hair, and providing emotional support and guidance. By showcasing these everyday moments of care and connection, Dove aims to normalize and celebrate fathers’ diverse roles.
The campaign also challenges the notion that showing emotions or vulnerability is a sign of weakness for men. Instead, it encourages fathers to be open and expressive with their children, fostering a deeper connection and trust. By promoting emotional intelligence and sensitivity as valuable traits for fathers, the “Care Makes a Dad” campaign helps to break down harmful stereotypes and create a more inclusive vision of masculinity.
Brands Taking a Stand
The “Care Makes a Dad” campaign has sparked important conversations about the role of corporate brands in shaping societal norms and expectations. Dove has demonstrated the power of advertising to drive positive social change and challenge outdated gender roles. By using its platform to promote a more progressive and compassionate vision of fatherhood, Dove sets an example for other companies to follow.
Tips for Well-Rounded Fatherhood
The campaign encourages men to prioritize self-care and their own emotional needs, recognizing that kids don’t need a perfect parent but a happy one. Practical tips include:
Embracing emotional vulnerability by being open and honest about feelings
Prioritizing “me time” and engaging in hobbies and activities that bring joy
Engaging in diverse activities with children, from sports to arts and crafts
Challenging traditional gender roles by taking on tasks historically associated with women
Fostering open communication and actively listening to children’s thoughts and concerns
Celebrating diverse expressions of masculinity, from sensitivity to strength
Seeking support and community from other men committed to breaking down stereotypes
Lasting Impact
By embracing these practices and actively challenging traditional notions of fatherhood and masculinity, men can develop a more authentic and fulfilling sense of self while modeling positive values for their children. A strong father-child bond can foster emotional intelligence, empathy, and the development of well-rounded, confident, and compassionate individuals ready to face life’s challenges.
In Summary
Dove’s “Care Makes a Dad” campaign offers a powerful reimagining of fatherhood for the modern era. Championing masculinity’s caring, nurturing side gives fathers permission to embrace their full humanity. The campaign’s real-world examples and practical tips inspire men to be more present and connected for their children’s benefit and their own well-being.
As we celebrate Father’s Day, it’s worth reflecting on how we can all challenge outdated gender stereotypes and redefine what it means to be a great father and role model. The positive ripple effects of engaged, emotionally in-tune dads will be felt for generations.
Happy Father’s (Dad’s) Day to all of you great Dads.
