As a dating coach for over 28 years and over 30,000 clients, this is a frequent question I get. I’m successful, have plenty of friends, a solid social life and interests and when I put my mind to something, I generally accomplish it.
So, why am I still single? Well, let me tell you, it’s not because of the universe, or the lack of single men/women, or your age, or where you live. Nope, it’s all you!
You’re keeping yourself single. You don’t work at it, you’re stuck in your comfort zone, and you keep procrastinating. It’s time to get out there and make it happen! I know, all easy excuses, right? But those of you who know me and work with me—you know I’m direct (graciously!) because I want you to find a loving, fun, happy relationship.
1. You slacked off on it.
Yep, slacked. You made it big in your career but that didn’t come magically. You put in the work. You had a game plan. You knew your destination and had a solid strategy. Maybe even had a mentor. It wasn’t just pure luck, right? So why treat dating any differently?
2. Trapped in your Cozy Bubble
You’ve got your routine—a cozy home, walks with your dog, wine nights with girlfriends, and evenings watching sports with your buddies. You’re stuck in a loop and you don’t even see it.
3. Zero plans, All about delaying
You keep saying, “Next month/year I’ll find someone. It’s my Summer/Fall/New Year Resolution.” And we all know how those go! You need some accountability, maybe a cheerleader (who’s not a friend) to shake you out of this rut you’re in. Think about this: When you pay for golf or tennis lessons, you show up. When you do private Pilates or Yoga, you show up. Why? Because you invested money. You took a step to improve yourgame or health.
So I ask again: How’s dating any different?As you may know, I get monthly research from a top-notch research firm that tracks all sorts of industries—My report yesterday said 52,876 singles in the 40–65-year-old age category signed up for online dating LAST WEEK on ONE DAY on one site alone! Hey, you know what those numbers do now in the Summer? They rise exponentially! Yep, normal people like you and me.
4. Ridiculous Expectations
So, she has to be 5’9, slim, no baggage, athletic, well-traveled, blah blah blah. Shake it off. We all have baggage—or as I like to call it in our 40s, 50s, 60s+, Life Experience. Stop making lists. Let’s focus on what really matters in a relationship. Chemistry, Communication, and Common Values. Who cares if she’s 5’7 and skis while you golf? Do you really want to date a carbon copy of yourself? You’ll be bored out of your mind.
Uh-oh, scared of online dating or just dipping your toes back into the dating pool in general? I’ve got the perfect solution. Practice. If you’re feeling insecure about dating or just plain nervous, seek help. My prescription? Go on 3-5 dates* in the first month to boost your confidence in the dating scene and make it less intimidating. Seems like a lot? Well, maybe you just need the practice… And who knows, it might even be fun! (*BTW, ask me about these dates when we talk on the phone for your free 15-minute call)
Jayson and Ellen delve into the complex relationship between teens, screens, and mental health. Is it okay to use screens to help kids calm down? Are teens becoming more anxious? At what age should children have their own cell phones? What societal changes are needed to protect the mental health and well-being of children and teens? How can you effectively implement boundaries at home? Tune in to find the answers to these and many more questions.
Perhaps prior to conservatives putting the Supreme Court in a headlock, hearing that the Court is taking up United States v. Skrmetti, the case challenging Tennessee’s gender-affirming care ban for minors, might be welcome news. With the Roberts Court, though, it doesn’t bode well.
Certainly the law in this arena could use clarification, as federal appeals courts have come to different conclusions—one of the usual reasons the Supreme Court takes a case. The 11th Circuit, in ruling on Alabama’s ban, ruled as the Sixth Circuit did in Skrmetti, upholding a ban on gender-affirming care. The Seventh Circuit let Indiana’s ban go into effect earlier this year. Arkansas’ ban is proceeding through the Eighth Circuit after being permanently enjoined by a lower court last year. There are federal district court cases in multiple states, and 19 states have passed similar laws restricting gender-affirming care.
Going to the Supreme Court is dicey. The Court has proven itself eager to impose a narrow evangelical morality on the country, and this gives them the chance to do so. The alternative is also bad—a continual churn of conservative states banning gender-affirming care, requiring a whack-a-mole litigation strategy across multiple jurisdictions. So, the government asked the Court to decide nationwide whether Tennessee’s law violates the equal protection clause of the 14th Amendment.
The text of that clause, which forbids the government from “deny[ing] to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws,” does not mention sex or gender. However, for decades, the Supreme Court has held that it applies heightened scrutiny to “distinctions based on gender.” Put another way, Supreme Court precedent requires the government to show an “exceedingly persuasive justification” for laws that discriminate based on sex or gender or it will determine the law violates the equal protection clause.
The Tennessee law prohibits the use of gender-affirming care such as puberty blockers and hormones for minors, but not for everyone. It only bans their use for “enabling a minor to identify with, or live as, a purported identity inconsistent with the minor’s sex or treating purported discomfort or distress from a discordance between the minor’s sex and asserted identity.” Someone who is assigned male at birth couldn’t receive puberty blockers or estrogen as part of their transition process, but someone assigned female at birth could receive those same drugs for conditions such as precocious puberty, where puberty begins as early as 8 years old.
Here’s where the core of this fight comes in. Ultimately, this case isn’t just grounded in the conservative legislative project of destroying access to gender-affirming care—it’s also grounded in the conservative judicial project of unwinding the Court’s holding in Bostock v. Clayton County. There, the Court held that firing someone for being gay or transgender violates Title VII, which bans discrimination on the basis of sex. Bostock also contains a broader holding, finding “it is impossible to discriminate against a person for being homosexual or transgender without discriminating against that individual based on sex.”
Conservative courts have tried very hard to ignore the broader holding of Bostock. In Bear Creek Bible Church v. EEOC, right-wing fan favorite Texas Judge Reed O’Connor ruled that Bostock did not bar an employer from imposing sex-specific dress codes or requiring employees to use the bathroom that corresponds to their sex assigned at birth. Federal judges in Oklahoma and the 11th Circuit declined to extend Bostock to the situation here—a prohibition on gender-affirming care.
The appeals court in Skrmetti also ignored Bostock‘s broader holding, refusing to extend it to equal protection claims. The Tennessee law, therefore, only needed to survive a rational basis review, the most deferential. This means the government only needs a legitimate state interest rather than an exceedingly persuasive justification.
The state interest the Sixth Circuit found to be legitimate was that Tennessee has a compelling “interest in encouraging minors to appreciate their sex” and in prohibiting procedures “that might encourage minors to become disdainful of their sex.” That vague interest must be weighed against the real-life explicit, irreversible, and well-documented harm that transgender children denied gender-affirming medical care suffer. Adolescents forced to endure gender dysphoria and the permanent physical changes puberty brings can experience “depression, eating disorders, substance abuse, self-harm, and suicidality.” Further, there is a consensus among major medical organizations that the gender-affirming care banned by Tennessee is the appropriate way to treat gender dysphoria in minors.
In a rational world, before conservatives got a supermajority on the Court, this case would be a no-brainer. First, the Court would not simply discard its own broad holding from Bostock. Next, an amorphous statement about making minors “appreciate their sex” could not possibly stack up to the level of harm experienced by children experiencing dysphoria and that there are no genuine medical concerns about such treatment.
But these days, we have a Court that has run roughshod over precedent in its eagerness to give religious conservatives everything they want. It’s also a Court dominated by a deep cruelty. The conservative justices have used their vast power to dismiss the needs of those who can get pregnant, same-sex couples, and the unhoused, just for a start. They’ve shown no hesitation in allowing bigotry to drive their decisions.
However, there’s no other possible path forward to advance the interests of minors needing gender-affirming care than taking a chance and putting it before the Court. It’s the most slender reed, but it’s all trans kids have.
That’s what Justice Samuel Alito told journalist Lauren Windsor last month at a black-tie event at the Supreme Court Historical Society in Washington, D.C.
“It’s difficult for the two sides to live peacefully together since there are differences about fundamental things that really can’t be compromised,” Alito continued.
We all know the issues that matter to Alito—the issues that can’t be compromised on. Hell, his wife Martha-Ann made it clear to us what they despise: having to stare at a Pride flag that sits across the lagoon from their summer home where their “Appeal to Heaven” Christian nationalist flag flies. So you can bet your sweet cheeks that for Alito, there will be no compromise when it comes to abortion. Or to trans women in women’s sports. Or to bathrooms. Or to gender-affirming care. Or to disability accommodations. Or to environmental regulations. He will happily force the most vulnerable people in this country to place their neck right under Christian nationalism’s steel-toed boot.
So the fact that last month, the Supreme Court anointed itself the overlord of the entire administrative state by overruling the critical 1984 case Chevron v. Natural Resources Defense Council should induce panic in everyone who thinks agency experts should be the ones to resolve ambiguities in Congressional statutes enacted to create those very agencies.
Because despite the keening from conservatives about how awful the Chevron doctrine is, that’s all Chevron did: It laid out the simple rule that in the case of an ambiguous statute relating to how a federal agency does its business, it’s the federal agency—not courts—that should resolve the ambiguity, because agencies have expertise in the subject matter that courts don’t.
For 40 years, Chevron required a two-part framework for reviewing an agency’s interpretation of a statute that Congress charged it with administering. First, a court must exhaust all the ordinary tools courts use when they try to interpret a statute. These tools include looking at the plain language of the statute and divining Congress’ intent by examining legislative history. If, after this rigorous inquiry, the statute is still ambiguous, the Chevron doctrine then requires courts to back off and let the agency interpret the statute.
But this is no longer the case. According to Chief Justice John Roberts’ majority opinion in Loper Bright Enterprises v. Raimondo, “Chevron’s presumption is misguided because agencies have no special competence in resolving statutory ambiguities. Courts do.”
Not according to Justice Elena Kagan, who ripped into Roberts in her dissent.
Kagan listed example after example of the types of statutory ambiguities that courts will now be required to parse through. “The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) regulates ‘biological products,’ including ‘proteins,’” Kagan wrote. “When does an alpha amino acid polymer qualify as such a ‘protein’?”
Or take the Endangered Species Act, for example. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service “must designate endangered ‘vertebrate fish or wildlife’ species, including ‘distinct population segments of those species,’” she wrote.
“But what makes one population segment ‘distinct’ from another?” Kagan continued. “Must the Service treat the Washington State population of western gray squirrels as ‘distinct’ because it is geographically separated from other western gray squirrels? Or can the Service take into account that the genetic makeup of the Washington population does not differ markedly from the rest.”
These are questions that should be answered by the FDA and Fish and Wildlife Services, respectively.
Not John Roberts. And not Samuel Alito.
But Chevron is dead now. If a particular statute isn’t clear, experts—who are familiar with the subject matter of a statute in ways that courts cannot possibly be—are no longer going to be the people who determine how that statute should be interpreted.
As Kagan noted in her dissent referring back to her FDA example, she doesn’t know what an alpha amino acid polymer is. So why should she be the one to determine how the FDA should regulate them? Or when it comes to determining which squirrel population is distinct from another and therefore warrants protection, courts could maybe, as Kagan wrote, “muddle through that issue and announce a result.” But it makes more sense for the scientists at the Fish and Wildlife Service to do it, since they are the squirrel experts.
Overruling Chevron was a long time coming. Conservatives have loathed the administrative state for a while now. It’s a bureaucracy whose many tentacles reach into every aspect of our lives. That in and of itself is not a problem for conservatives since, despite claiming they prefer a small government that leaves its citizens to do whatever they want, they still want the government to control the reproductive autonomy of every person in this country capable of becoming pregnant. But generally, conservatives have viewed the administrative state as too subject to the political whims of the electorate who have a hand in agency appointments, through the representatives they elect to appoint various agency heads. Conservatives would rather maintain a stranglehold on every federal agency all the time—to the extent it doesn’t want to end those agencies’ existence—even when Republicans don’t have control of Congress or the White House.
This wasn’t always true. Once upon a time, conservatives feigned concern over liberal activist judges and viewed the Chevron doctrine as a way to make sure that those activist judges didn’t become policymakers. But then 2016 happened. And by the time Donald Trump was finished reshaping the federal judiciary in the image of Leonard Leo and the Federalist Society, agency expertise suddenly became insufficient when it comes to interpreting ambiguities in a statute.
The Supreme Court has just arrogated to itself the power to interpret statutes in whatever way it wants, as long as it can find some ambiguity in the statute.
Over the last half decade, the Supreme Court has used the available arrows in its quiver to curtail agency power and hand big wins to corporations so that corporations can force you to breathe polluted air—Environmental Protection Agency regulations be damned—or strip you of your right to contraception coverage in your health insurance plans, never mind what U.S. Department of Health and Human Services regulations require.
One such arrow is the major questions doctrine, which says that courts can reject agency interpretation of ambiguous statutes on “major questions” unless Congress has clearly authorized the court to accept the agency’s interpretation.
But what does that even mean? What’s a major question? I’ll tell you: It’s anything of national political or economic significance. And if that sounds impossibly vague to you, well, that’s the point. The major questions doctrine has allowed the Supreme Court to declare anything a major question and then take interpretive power out of federal agencies’ hands and put it in its own pocket. (In two cases over the last five years involving COVID-19 regulations, the Supreme Court has deployed the major questions doctrine to avoid letting the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention impose an eviction moratorium during lockdown and to avoid letting the Occupational Safety and Health Administration require their employees to be tested and vaccinated for COVID-19.) In this way, the Supreme Court has been a reliable ally of corporations who oppose regulatory restrictions and an ally of conservatives writ large who have been champing at the bit to gut the administrative state.
But the Supreme Court has no more need for the major questions doctrine. In the largest power grab since Marbury v. Madison—the 1803 case in which the justices up and decided for themselves that they were going to review and strike down acts of Congress—the Supreme Court has just arrogated to itself the power to interpret statutes in whatever way it wants, as long as it can find some ambiguity in the statute.
Congress has just been fleeced.
Setting aside concerns about clean water, breathable air, and safe drugs, Loper Bright Enterprises is a stunning ruling that will have dramatic consequences for the same civil and human rights that conservatives have been gunning for.
Many of the statutes that relate to the issues most central to reproductive justice are ambiguous. When Title VII was enacted, gender identity wasn’t a consideration. Neither was sexual orientation. Same with Title IX. But through guidance documents and regulations, the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission and Department of Education have interpreted these statutes to protect, for example, trans people from being fired from their jobs for being trans. Or to protect trans students’ right to use the bathroom that aligns with their gender identity.
When it comes to trans kids, both the Obama and Biden administrations have done a lot of forward-thinking rulemaking. That can now all be undone by Alito and his five cohorts on the bench. As Elie Mystal put it in the Nation:
The legality of every new financial product, workplace safety standard, abortion pill or contraceptive, will not be up to the elected representatives who crafted the law or the experts who were appointed by the president to implement it, but will come down to Gorsuch or what five Supreme Court justices think the law should be. That’s not a democracy, that’s a juristocracy, where our votes are suggestions until the judicial machine tells us what laws we’re allowed to have.
Indeed.
And when it comes to certain loudmouth justices who believe, in their own words, “one side or the other is going to win,” it becomes clear that there is a very real danger of Supreme Court justices finding ambiguity in any statute they want to now that they have made it their responsibility—and only their responsibility—to sort out those ambiguities, rather than allowing agency experts to do so.
So Sam Alito? This is your time. I can’t wait for you to interpret Title IX to require schoolteachers to deadname their students.
Wondering what to do if your boyfriend is cheating on you? There is never an easy answer to this question. I experienced this first-hand while trying to help my best friend, Sarah, deal with the blow of infidelity. Sarah had been in a relationship with her boyfriend, Alex, for three years. She thought they had a strong connection, but lately, a nagging feeling had taken root in her mind. Alex had become distant, often sneaking away to take calls and spending less time at home.
One day, Sarah stumbled upon a suspicious text message on his phone, which confirmed her worst fears. Her world came crashing down when she realized that Alex had been cheating on her. In that moment, Sarah felt a rush of conflicting emotions: betrayal, anger, and heartbreak. She felt lost and didn’t know how to deal with a cheating boyfriend. All I could do was be there for her, as a shoulder to cry on, a strong pillar of support. The pain and angst were hers to endure.
In watching her ordeal up close, I realized that while discovering infidelity is devastating, with the right approach, you can find clarity and decide the best path forward for your well-being. To understand what the right approach is, I spoke to psychologist Anita Eliza (MSc in Applied Psychology), who specializes in issues like anxiety, depression, relationships, and self-esteem. Read on to learn what to do if your boyfriend cheats on you and make informed decisions about your relationship.
How To Tell If Your Boyfriend Is Cheating: 9 Tell-Tale Signs
Unless you have caught your boyfriend red-handed or his infidelity is out in the open, before addressing the question of what to do if your boyfriend is cheating on you, you need to be sure that infidelity is at play. Gut feeling he is cheating, but proof to back it up can be an agonizing place to be. You are constantly walking on eggshells, with a knot in your stomach, because you don’t know what’s true and what’s an act he’s putting up to cover his tracks.
Confront him without concrete evidence, and you risk your suspicions being invalidated and dismissed off-hand. Besides, if he is cheating, your suspicions and inquiries will sound the alarm bell, telling him to be more cautious. On the other hand, if he is not cheating and you’ve misread the situation completely, the accusations can cause serious damage to your bond.
Now, the question is, how to tell if your boyfriend is cheating on you? Anita shares 9 tell-tale signs of a cheating boyfriend in a relationship to watch out for:
That gut feeling, “My boyfriend is cheating on me”, that you have been wrestling with is likely stemming from the emotional distance you have been feeling. Anita says, “You can feel the emotional distance creeping between you and your partner even if you can’t put a finger on it.”
Now, a person may act emotionally distant because of factors like stress or problems in their professional or personal life. However, these things are discussed in a relationship. If there is no plausible reason behind this change in this behavior, being emotionally distant could be one of the signs of a cheating boyfriend in a relationship.
2. A changed relationship with his phone
How to tell if your boyfriend is cheating on you, you ask? The biggest clues of infidelity often are hidden in a person’s relationship with their phone. Being excessively protective of and dependent on one’s phone is a tell-tale sign of cheating. Here is what cell phone cheating signs may look like:
He carries his phone with him wherever he goes, even if it is to answer the door
If you live together, you may notice that he spends most of his free time texting rather than paying attention to you
If you don’t, you may find his phone busy at all hours
Or notice that he is online, but not texting you or even replying to your texts
Changed passwords, password protecting certain apps, or locking certain chats are also red flags you mustn’t ignore
3. He is irritable and short with you
If your boyfriend is always in a mood, irritable, and ready to snap, no matter how hard you try to smooth things over, it could be because the turmoil of leading a double life is getting to him. He may be reeling under cheating guilt or struggling to figure out a way forward—should he come clean to you, should he end the affair, or should he end things with you to be with the other woman? After all, it’s not easy carrying out two relationships and keeping it all on the down-low.
4. An inexplicable change in routine
In any intimate relationship, partners know each other’s routines rather well. Even if you don’t live together, you’d know what time your boyfriend typically wakes up, he leaves for work, goes to the gym, has coffee, takes a shower, eats his meals, and so on. Perhaps, there was a time when you shared pictures and updates with each other throughout the day.
“While it’s natural for the frequency of exchanges to die down as you become more settled in a relationship, partners still are in the know of what’s going on in each other’s day and life and can predict with fair accuracy what the other must be up to at a given hour. It’s a sign of intimacy in a relationship,” explains Anita. Now, if his routine has suddenly become so unpredictable that you have no idea where he is or what he is up to for hours (or days) on end, it is a glaring red flag that indicates your boyfriend is cheating.
5. He is being secretive
So, what’s new in your boyfriend’s life? Who has he been hanging out with? How has work been for him? Which coworkers is he getting along with these days? If you don’t know the answer to these questions because he is being excessively secretive and responds to your questions with vague responses like, “Oh, I was out with just some friends” or “Having drinks with people from work”, you’re right to be worried. The “my boyfriend is cheating on me” concern doesn’t take hold in a vacuum.
If your boyfriend keeps coming up with excuses for why he cannot do something or spend time with you or why he was incommunicado and his stories don’t add up, it’s likely that he has been lying to you. When a person is telling the truth, their version of events stays consistent. But if they lie to hide their tracks, chances are they will forget certain details and offer new versions of the story every time you bring it up. If you have caught him in a similar lie, not once but several times over, it’s one of the telling signs of a cheating boyfriend in a relationship.
7. He gets defensive when questioned
When you do catch him a lie or ask him questions about a certain situation over and over again, a cheating boyfriend will get defensive, and come up with retorts like,
“I can’t believe you don’t trust me.”
“You’re acting crazy. I won’t put up with it.”
“How can you doubt me?”
“Why would I lie?”
This, for him, is the easiest way to wriggle out of answering difficult questions that may expose his cheating, lying ways.
Yes, it’s perfectly natural for sexual desire to ebb and flow, and patterns of sexual intimacy to change in a relationship. However, these changes are gradual and feel organic. If, on the other hand, there is a sudden and drastic change in your boyfriend’s libido—he can’t seem to get enough of you for some days, and then, shows no interest in being intimate for days or weeks, it could be because the dynamics of his other relationship are impacting how he behaves with you.
You may even notice that there are times when you’re physically intimate but he feels so distant and aloof. So, if you want to know how to tell if your boyfriend is cheating, pay attention to how you both connect in the bedroom.
9. You’re no longer a priority
A successful relationship is based on the premise of both partners making an effort to prioritize each other. Yes, there are times when work, social commitments, and domestic responsibilities get in the way but you do find a way to snap out of it and reconnect. However, if your boyfriend is cheating on you, he may no longer make that effort. Instead, you may notice that he prioritizes anything and everything above you. He’s always too busy to meet or talk because,
He’s been busy at work
He’s spending more time at the gym
He needs to hang out with the guys
He is visiting his family over the weekend
He is attending his coworker’s cousin’s kid’s bar mitzvah
The fact is that he is unavailable because he needs to carve out more and more time to spend with the other woman. A part of you knows it. That’s why there is a voice in your head that won’t stop saying, “He is cheating on me.”
What To Do If Your Boyfriend Is Cheating On You: 7 Therapist-Approved Things To Try
“He cheated on me. What should I do?” Allow us to help. Discovering that your boyfriend is cheating on you can be one of the most painful and devastating experiences in a relationship. The betrayal trauma and feelings of hurt and confusion can be overwhelming, leaving you grappling with thoughts like what to do if your boyfriend is cheating on you or how to get over a cheating boyfriend.
However, it’s important to remember that you are not alone and there are steps you can take to cope with this situation and move forward healthily. From staying calm and thinking things through to seeking support and setting boundaries, below are seven strategies that might answer your question, “He’s cheating on me. What should I do?”:
“My boyfriend cheated on me. I don’t know what to do.” Can’t figure out how to deal with a cheating boyfriend? Well, it’s natural to feel a range of emotions when you suspect or discover that your boyfriend is cheating on you. You may feel angry, hurt, betrayed, or even be in denial. However, taking a step back, acknowledging and processing your emotions, and assessing the situation before reacting is important.
You deserve to feel safe, respected, and valued in your relationship.
– Anita Eliza, counseling psychologist
Pay attention to your gut feeling and any red flags that may have been present in the relationship. If you have concrete evidence of infidelity, such as messages or receipts, gather it in a safe place. Before making any decision, it’s crucial to ensure that your “He’s cheating on me” suspicions are based on facts. According to Anita, below are a few signs that your boyfriend cheated on you:
Behavior change: Sudden changes in behavior such as being overly sensitive or distant can be a red flag
Lack of transparency: If he is suddenly guarding his phone, email, or social media accounts, it could indicate he is hiding something
Increased secrecy: He may start going out more frequently without providing a clear explanation or become defensive when questioned about his whereabouts
Lack of interest: He might lose interest in activities or topics that used to be important to both of you, showing disengagement from the relationship
Emotional distance: Your relationship may be less intimate with fewer expressions of affection or interest in spending time together
Unexplained expenses or gifts: You may notice unfamiliar charges on credit card statements or find items that seem like gifts from someone else
Changes in appearance: Suddenly paying more attention to grooming, dressing differently, or wearing perfume might be an attempt to impress someone else
If you find these signs relatable, you may be contending with the dilemma of what to do if your boyfriend is cheating on you. Anita says, “Take a deep breath and try not to panic. Acknowledge and accept your feelings of hurt anger and sadness without judgment. Allow yourself to feel and process these emotions. Take time to analyze the relationship and identify any warning signs or underlying issues that may need attention for personal growth.”
It’s essential to approach this whole “he cheated on me and I’m gutted” situation with a clear head to avoid making hasty decisions you might regret later.
Once you have gathered your thoughts and evidence, it’s time to have an honest conversation with your boyfriend. Choose a time when you both feel comfortable and calm and can speak openly without interruptions or distractions. Be honest about your feelings without being accusatory. Avoid the blame game. While your boyfriend’s actions were wrong, focusing on self-blame or revenge won’t help you heal.
Before making any decision, ensure that your suspicions are based on facts.
To those wondering, “He’s cheating on me. How do I confront him about it?”, Anita advises, “Have a chat with your boyfriend about what’s bothering you. Be honest and try to understand each other’s feelings without blaming.” According to her, here is how and what you should say:
Express how you feel using “I” statements, such as “I feel deeply hurt and betrayed by what has happened.”
Avoid blame-shifting or making accusations, and instead focus on specific behaviors that have raised red flags
Express your concerns and feelings and the impact of his actions on the relationship
Be prepared for his reaction — denial, anger, or a tearful confession, are all possibilities
This conversation might not provide all the answers, but it’s a crucial step toward healing and moving forward. Also, make sure you give your boyfriend a chance to explain. Listening can provide insight into their behavior and help you understand the full picture. This doesn’t excuse cheating, but it can offer clarity on underlying issues in the relationship.
If you’re still wondering how to deal with a cheating boyfriend, then there’s one easy answer – lean on your support network. Going through the pain of infidelity can be isolating and overwhelming, which is why having your best friend or loved ones around is important.
For example, Sarah says just my being there for her, hearing her out, and giving her a safe space to vent, helped her feel less alone and lost. Anita agrees and advises, “Try talking to someone you trust like a friend or a family member about what’s going on. Reach out to them for comfort, validation, and perspective during this difficult time.” We agree. It’s important to:
Not bottle up your emotions. Try journaling to process your feelings
Reach out to your support system or network of trusted friends or family members who can provide emotional support and a listening ear
Consider joining a support group for people who have been cheated on
Join online communities or forums to connect with others who’ve faced similar situations
When trying to figure out what to do if your boyfriend is cheating on you, consider sharing your experience with those who care about you. “It can help release feelings of resentment and anger toward your boyfriend for your peace of mind and well-being,” adds Anita.
4. Set boundaries
“I was cheated on by my boyfriend. What should I do?”, “My boyfriend is cheating on me. How do I deal with it?” Constantly asking yourself such questions? Well, first of all, set some rules and boundaries. If you decide to stay in the relationship, it’s important to set clear boundaries to rebuild trust and ensure both partners understand each other’s expectations moving forward. Anita says, “Decide what you will and will not tolerate in your relationship. Let your boyfriend know what you need from him to feel better.”
Establishing boundaries might look like:
Open and honest communication
Transparency with phones and social media
Regular check-ins about feelings and relationship dynamics
Agreements on acceptable behavior and deal-breakers
Limited or no contact with the affair partner
It’s also important to establish consequences if these boundaries are violated. Remember, you have the right to feel safe and respected in your relationship.
7 Therapist-Approved Things To Do If Your Boyfriend Is Cheating On You
If you decide to end the relationship
However, if you decide to walk out of the relationship, then the boundaries will differ but, either way, establishing the same is crucial for your nervous system and overall well-being. Anita explains, “It can provide space for the innocent partner to gain clarity, rebuild their self-esteem, and protect themselves from further emotional harm. However, they must communicate their boundaries assertively and stick to them for their mental health.”
In this case, you also need to figure out how to get over a cheating boyfriend. For that, Anita strongly recommends establishing a no-contact rule with your cheating partner. She says, “Consider distancing yourself from your ex-boyfriend to give yourself space to heal and move on. This is especially important in the initial stages of separation to allow for processing of emotions and healing without constant reminders of the betrayal.”
“I was cheated on by my boyfriend. I don’t know what to do!” Well, taking care of yourself is probably the most important tip on how to get over a cheating boyfriend. A cheating partner can trigger feelings of self-doubt and insecurity, damaging your mental health. You are bound to lose trust in him. During this difficult time, it’s crucial to prioritize your well-being. Anita recommends practicing self-love and engaging in self-care activities that bring you joy and comfort. Focus on:
Eating healthy meals
Reconnecting with loved ones
Exploring hobbies you enjoy
Physical exercise
Meditation and mindfulness
Spending time in nature
She says, “Shift your focus toward setting new goals, pursuing your passion, and envisioning a bright and fulfilling future for yourself.” Avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms, like excessive drinking or engaging in risky behaviors, to cope with the emotional turmoil of betrayal trauma. Instead, focus on your overall well-being. Engaging in activities that promote self-love and self-care can aid in healing.
Struggling to figure out what to do if your boyfriend is cheating on you? Therapy can help. Whether you decide to stay or move on, individual therapy can be incredibly beneficial. A licensed marriage or relationship coach can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and help you navigate your conflicting emotions and make decisions about moving forward.
Anita explains, “A qualified therapist can offer a safe and non-judgmental space for the individual to explore their emotions, process the betrayal, and gain clarity about their needs and values. Therapy can help them understand the impact of the infidelity on their self-esteem, trust issues, and future relationships. Additionally, it can guide them on setting healthy boundaries, coping with grief and loss, developing resilience, and empowering them to make informed decisions about their future.”
If you decide to stay in the relationship, she recommends consulting a couples therapist to “help both of you talk about your feelings and figure out how to move forward”. A relationship coach can help both of you work through the underlying issues that may have contributed to the infidelity. They can facilitate conversations that might be too challenging to navigate alone and help restore the lost trust if you both choose to stay together.
Our expert shares a real-life example of how therapy can help a person get over their cheating boyfriend
Mira, a young woman from Bengaluru, was shocked when she discovered that Ron, her partner, had been having an affair with a coworker. As a woman deeply rooted in her value system and religion, Mira initially struggled with feelings of shame and embarrassment about the situation, fearing judgment from her family and community.
However, with the guidance of a sensitive therapist who understood her cultural background and religious connections, Mira found solace in the teachings of her faith, which emphasized the importance of forgiveness and compassion. Drawing strength from her religious scriptures, she chose to confront Ron about his infidelity and seek closure for herself.
Through self-reflection, Mira embarked on a journey of healing and self-discovery. Today, she embraces her identity as a strong and resilient woman who understands and knows how to live independently.
Here is a crucial tip on what to do if your boyfriend is cheating on you — think about what you want. Anita explains, “Take some time to think about whether you want to stay in the relationship or not. Trust your feelings and do what’s best for you. While doing so, consider the 10-10-10 principle. Whatever decision you take, think about how you will feel about it 10 minutes, 10 months, or 10 years later. This would include your plans for the coming future and how they might affect your decision.”
Take the time to weigh the pros and cons of staying in or leaving the relationship. She explains, “Identify whether the partner is truly remorseful of the behavior of cheating and is willing to rectify it through his actions or is it a pattern that he tends to follow.” Consider your capacity to forgive and rebuild trust. Below are a few questions you should ask yourself before making a decision:
Do I still love my partner despite the betrayal?
Is my partner willing to change and address the issues that led to him cheating?
Ultimately, the decision of whether to stay in the relationship or end it is yours alone. Consider your values, needs, and boundaries when making this decision. Your boyfriend cheated on you. Don’t feel pressured to stay in a relationship that no longer serves you. You may have thoughts about wanting to seek revenge and that’s okay, but acting on them will likely prolong your pain and hinder your healing. Below are a few tips that can help, whether you decide to stay or leave:
If you decide to stay
Commit to open communication and transparency.
Continue therapy or counseling to address underlying issues.
Give yourself time to heal and rebuild trust gradually.
If you decide to leave
Focus on your healing and self-care.
Lean on your support system for emotional support.
Consider therapy to process the breakup and betrayal.
Anita says, “Healing from the experience takes time and patience. Therefore, take each step at your own pace and be kind to yourself throughout.” Remember, you deserve to be in a healthy relationship where you feel respected and valued.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. How can I stop my boyfriend from cheating on me?
Unfortunately, you cannot stop another person from doing something they want to. The best you can do is work toward building a healthy, wholesome relationship, build on the foundation of love, respect, and trust, and hope that your boyfriend will honor the commitment he has made to you.
2. Will he cheat again?
While the “once a cheater, always a repeater” adage doesn’t ring true for everyone, you cannot discount the possibility that a cheater may slip up again, unless they make the effort to change whatever unhealthy patterns led them to cross the line of fidelity in the relationship. Only by working on underlying issues that triggered the episode of infidelity can the risk be weeded out.
Key Pointers
Discovering infidelity requires you to stay calm, think through your emotions, and gather evidence before making any decision
Have an honest conversation with your boyfriend about the infidelity, focusing on feelings without accusations to understand each other’s perspectives
Leaning on your support network and seeking professional help can help you deal with your boyfriend cheating on you
Setting clear boundaries and rules is essential whether you decide to stay in the relationship or end it
Prioritizing self-care and taking time to decide what’s best for you can help you heal and move forward, whether you choose to stay or leave the relationship
Final Thoughts
“My boyfriend cheated on me.” This realization can be devastating, but knowing what to do if your boyfriend cheats on you can empower you to take control of your life and well-being. Whether you choose to stay and work through the issues or to move on, prioritizing your mental health and self-love is essential. Keep in mind that you are not alone, and there are resources and support available to help you through this difficult time.
“How and when should I have the conversation that I want marriage and kids?” Good question! And definitely a tricky subject for most people. We are told to be honest about what we want, but we also worry about scaring someone off if we bring it up too soon.
I get so many questions on this exact topic every week, because getting clear on this can save you a lot of time and prevent unnecessary heartache down the road.
In today’s video, I give you 6 practical steps to help you determine if someone shares your goals and timeline, figure out exactly what you want (and come up with a plan for each possibility), and approach these conversations in a natural and confident way.
MATTHEW HUSSEY
Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the channel. I’m Matthew Hussey, a coach specializing in confidence and relational intelligence who, for the last 17 years, has been helping people find love. I’m the author of the New York Times bestseller, Love Life. Check it out.
And in today’s video, I give my honest advice for the very real challenge that is faced by so many single women who feel that they are running out of time for one of their major life goals—to have a family.
The way that I want to talk about this topic is in a series of six practical steps that I outlined today. And these steps were actually a response to a real question that I got from one of my Love Life Club members, Maryam, who asked me a question about the tension she felt in dating, knowing that she wants a family and she wants one soon, but not wanting to make bad choices. So, I gave her six practical steps that I know are going to relate to you too if you’re in her position or one like it. Also, stay until the end of this video because I have something very exciting and free to share with you. All right. Onto Maryam’s question.
“I wanted to share my Love Life story to get a different perspective from the stories I have created in my head.”
Smart. We all do that, don’t we? Create stories in our head.
“I am a 38-year-old woman who has never been married and has no kids. I have dedicated the last 15 years to working on getting established in the U.S., learning the language, completing college, getting positioned in a good job after coming from Malaysia. All of that is done and I’m proud of my accomplishments. But I shut down my love life for several years. My thought was, that will eventually happen. It will come. And here I am now thinking, it should have come already. I want a family but the biological clock is messing up my brain and I don’t want to make the mistake of choosing the wrong person because I am close to being 40.”
“For some reason, I’m starting to be attracted to younger men. I’m talking about five to six years younger. And I have never dated someone that young. Help.”
So, I’m going to take this in steps. The first step is to be clear with yourself about what your path is.
Now, it sounds like Maryam, to a large extent, has already done that. She has communicated that what she wants is to have a serious relationship and to start a family. But it’s really important to be clear with ourselves about the level of priority that’s apt for us. Because if we don’t, then we suddenly could come across someone we’re very attracted to. The fact that we’re very attracted to them and we have a great connection with them can make us forget all about these goals we have, and figuring out whether that person has any of the same intentions we do.
I always am quick to point out when someone in Maryam’s situation, let’s say, goes even younger. Let’s say, someone in Maryam’s situation finds that she’s out one evening and meets a 24-year-old. And that 24-year-old is fun, and charming, and sexy, and they hit it off, and they start dating. I’m always quick to point out that that is a very, very dangerous game that Maryam or someone in her position would be playing in getting swept up in how she feels about someone and ignoring this goal that she has had for a very long time that in a much calmer, more objective moment, had surfaced as a priority at this stage of her life.
So, for anyone out there in Maryam’s position, be clear with yourself right now. What is my priority? Not just what do I want but what’s the order of importance? I might want attraction with someone today, then I can have a great weekend this weekend, seeing someone I like. But a bigger priority, it could be, and I’m assuming for Maryam this is true, is finding someone who has the same goals as I do in the area of having a serious relationship and starting a family.
That doesn’t automatically mean that if Maryam gets attracted to someone five years younger, that’s a problem, right? That’s not the biggest age gap in the world. But it does mean that she has to pay attention to the very real challenges that can come from even a five-year age gap when someone is a few years behind her, even if they want children, is a few years behind her in wanting the same thing. Because for her, those few years matter.
Step 2, know your options. Of course, one option is that you go out, you meet the love of your life, and you have a family with them. But is there an Option B? Have you been clear about whether you’re prepared to not only make peace with Option B but be aggressive about making Option B happen if your life calls for it?
In Maryam’s case, she’s 38. At what point does she decide, you know, what? Having a family is so important to me that I actually might consider doing this by myself. Now, it may be the case that Maryam never wants to do that. And that’s fine too. None of this is prescriptive. It’s all personal. These are intensely necessarily personal choices. But it’s important for Maryam to actually come to terms with whether that is an option for her. And the reason I say that is because those options create a sense of power, a sense of autonomy, a sense of confidence, and they are a pressure valve. What it allows Maryam to do is date, always knowing in the back of her mind that if someone isn’t right, she has a Plan B that she can go to at any time if she really wants to, or that there is an age by which she says, “Enough is enough. I haven’t met my person yet. I’m going to do this because I really want to do this.”
So, getting clear about what your options are can create a true sense of empowerment. And part of that conversation for so many women, though not all, because it’s not available or possible for all, is egg-freezing. So, I’d encourage Maryam, if you haven’t already, to at least have that conversation with a fertility doctor, to look into whether it’s something that’s possible for you. I say that knowing full well that it is cost-prohibitive for many people, not available for some in the part of the world that they’re in. And for many people, it’s simply too complex and too invasive a procedure for them to want to go through with, not to mention that egg freezing is by no means a guarantee when the time actually comes to use those eggs.
So, the calculation on whether to do egg freezing is for many people, razor thin, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not a conversation worth having for someone in Maryam’s position or for you, even if you’re a few years behind Maryam in your position. Those are not conversations that I am an expert in but they are conversations that your fertility doctor is an expert in. And I encourage those conversations because those conversations are power. And like we’ve been talking about, they remind us of our options, and options are power over your own circumstances.
Now, you’ll notice that Step 1 and Step 2 are both steps that you take before you’ve even met someone that you like. Now, let’s talk about what you do when you do meet someone you like. And of course, for many people, especially those who are running out of time to biologically have their own children, who really have this as a major life goal, maybe the major life goal at this stage in their lives, meeting someone they like can feel incredibly disempowering because instead of just being able to organically get to know someone, they feel like they’re bringing this baggage, not that it really is baggage, but it feels for so many like baggage, of, “I have this big thing that I want and you hold the keys to it, and I have to somehow go through this fun, playful, attraction that’s carefree and nonchalant and enjoyable, at the same time as having this deep, desperate urge to move quickly on something that’s window is rapidly closing.
That leaves many in what feels like an impossible situation.
Now, the whole point of Steps 1 and 2 is to actually start to take some pressure off of that, that if we know what our choices are, that if we get clear about our goal, and you create the options for yourself ahead of time, then you no longer do feel like you are solely relying on this person to make that dream come true.
So, let’s talk about from, hopefully, a slightly more relaxed place, what to do when you meet someone you like.
Step 3, communicate to that person where you are in your life. That means we have to be brave enough to actually communicate our goals to someone. The big question is when, right? Because it feels like if I do that too soon, I’m going to scare someone away. If I do it too late, I run the risk of wasting tons of my time when I don’t have that time to waste.
But I like to think of this, not in terms of when is the right time to say it because I actually think that’s a red herring. What it does is it suggests that this goal that we have is baggage like we’re revealing something dark and scary, and ominous instead of just talking about a goal that we’re excited about.
I’d like to think of the example of if you had a dream to start a flower shop in the next three to four years. You wouldn’t feel embarrassed or shameful or scared to bring up the fact that you’re really excited to start a flower shop, and you have very clear intention to do so. It would just be one of the goals in your life that you’re excited about.
I want to challenge you to put getting married or having children in the same category as the flower shop. Now, I know it feels different in that situation because it feels like, well, yeah, but with the flower shop, I’m not asking them to co-sign on the flower shop and dedicate their time and resources and life savings to doing it. And it’s the fact that when it comes to marriage and children, I am asking them to co-sign on these really big things that makes me feel like I have the potential to scare them off with this conversation.
I get that.
But what if we reconnected with that optionality that we talked about in Step 2, knowing what your options are, and that allowed you to talk about the fact that you want to get married or you want to have kids in a much more similar way to the flower shop?
In other words, you told yourself, a) this is not a bad thing. Let me remind myself of that. This is a beautiful thing that I want to do. And right now, the fact that I want to do it actually has nothing to do with this person, especially on date 1 or 2 or 3. It has everything to do with me and my future. And by the way, I know in my mind that I would not do this with the wrong person. You have to know that in your mind. Because if you know that in your mind, it will come across when you speak to that person, and that will be power. I’ll show you how in just a moment. But that you wouldn’t do it with the wrong person. And that at the end of the day, if this is true, I’m only speaking to the people this is true for. By the end of the day, if you’ve decided that at some point, you’re going to call time on doing this with another person and be prepared to do it on your own, then that’s yet another source of power when you speak to someone about the flower shop, that I’m doing this with or without a person. So, this really genuinely has nothing to do with you in front of me right now.
So, what I encourage you to do is instead of trying to think of the perfect moment to say all of this, think of it like the right moment to say these things is when we’re just talking about what we’re excited about in life. So, you could ask me what I’m excited about or, you know, what’s on the horizon for me. And I say, “You know, I’ve spent many years of my life now, 15 years of my life, securing my place here in the United States, which was a dream of mine, and working to learn the language, and getting myself to a very secure place financially, where I feel like I have a good job, and my life is settled. That didn’t allow a lot of time for me to think about a relationship, let alone a very serious relationship. And it didn’t allow me a lot of time to think about my ultimate goal of having a family, which is something that really excites me. So, I’m now at a place in my life where alongside some of the other things that I’m excited about in life, I am really excited for the next chapter of my life, which for me is about taking the next steps in the next few years to having that family and to, hopefully, finding an amazing person to do it with. But, you know, I also know for me, doing it with the wrong person is something I would never do. It’s something I’m excited about and it’s a beautiful vision I have. But I would never do it with the wrong person. It would have to be the right person. And if it wasn’t, I’ll do it on my own because it’s something that’s just really important to me.”
And when you’re saying all of that, you’re talking about it in a very positive way. You’re not talking about it as this big, heavy thing. I actually think that Maryam’s story that she told, when I was reading her question about how she moved to America, and learned the language, and worked really hard to get where she is, and hasn’t had the time or the bandwidth to think about having a family, I found all of that really endearing when I read it. I don’t know about you. When I read it, I was like, wow. That’s really endearing. She was having to do other things. And now, she’s in a place where she is ready for this. There’s something very beautiful about that.
So, she shouldn’t be ashamed of that. I actually think her story is part of the way she should frame it and talk about it when she’s speaking to someone on a date.
Now, once you’ve talked about the flower shop, your goal of getting married or having children as an exciting next chapter of your life, there’s something you can do in Step 4, which is really, really powerful.
Step 4 is demonstrate non-dependence. And the way that you do that is by taking the optionality that you had created in Step 2, and finding a way to casually communicate that optionality in the way that you talk about this goal.
So, for example, after you’ve talked about the fact that you’re excited about that chapter of your life, you can say, “But one thing I know about myself is that I would never do that, any of that, marriage or kids, with the wrong person.”
You can even frame that up by talking about other people you know. “I know people. I have friends who, I know, have rushed into things because they really wanted it to happen. But they did it with the wrong person. And that’s something I could never do. I made the decision a long time ago that if I didn’t meet the right person, I either wouldn’t do it, if that’s true, or I would do it on my own, if that’s true.”
When you say all of this you take away that effect that a lot of people are worried about, that they’re giving up their power when they state this goal, as if they’re saying to someone, “You can now do no wrong because I really need you for this thing.” Instead, what you’re saying to someone is, “I don’t need you for this thing. I may want or even need this thing in my future but I don’t need you for that thing because if you turn out to be the wrong person, I’ll find someone who’s right or I won’t need someone at all. I’ll do it by myself.”
What you’re, in essence, saying to someone is, “You can’t mess this up because I don’t need you. You still have to win me over, in the same way that I have to win you over.” This is still just two people on the same level dating. It is not that now that I’ve stated this goal, I have handed you all of the cards.
Now, in this stage, where you’re just enjoyably sharing goals, you don’t need to know for sure if they’re exactly on the same page as you. And bear in mind, being on the same page as you doesn’t mean that a) they have the same goals, that b) they have the same goals and the same timeline. It’s entirely possible that Maryam meets someone who’s six years younger than her, wants kids one day, but doesn’t want them in the next four years in the way that she does. So, it’s not just about whether they have the same goals. It’s, do they have the same goals on the same timeline?
So, Step 5 is when it starts to get serious, then we have to get clear about whether they have the same goals on the same timeline.
So, even if in the first few dates they danced around the subject of what they were looking for in the next few years, and you let that slide because you were like, “Hey, we’re in the fun, get to know each other stage. I don’t need to know everything about this person’s timeline right now.” At the point of spending lots and lots of time together, at the point of, I’m now seeing this person to the exclusion of everyone else, at the point of agreeing on exclusivity, you and I are in a committed, serious relationship, I do need to know whether this person is on the same page as me.
And that conversation can go something like, “Hey, I know that you and I have a really good thing going. I am so enjoying what’s developing between us. I’m excited about the prospect of giving it a real try with each other. But I also don’t know whether my goals and my timeline for those goals is something that you see for yourself. And I’m not suggesting that this is a tomorrow thing for me. But it is a, in the next two or three years thing for me because that’s the timeline that I’m on. And that doesn’t mean by the way you couldn’t turn out to be wrong for me a year from now or I couldn’t turn out to be wrong for you a year from now. That’s just normal. That’s relationships. We’re still getting to know each other. But if it works, then I know that that’s going to be something that’s important to me in that time frame. And I know that no matter how much I like you, I wouldn’t be getting into anything serious if you weren’t on the same page as me in that department.”
So, what you’re allowing for in this conversation is a) complete and utter transparency but b) you’re still not putting that pressure on. This isn’t that traditional kind of pressure of, “I like you and I want children with you. And you’re going to want them because I want them with you,” which makes someone go, “Ah. We’re just getting started and I’m already feeling like I have to make a decision about having kids with you.”
This isn’t that. This is the, “I am on a certain timeline for when I want these things. You and I are still getting to know each other and there’s still room for us to decide that we’re not right for each other. But if it continues, and if it works, I would need to know that you could see that for yourself on the same timeline.”
So, you’re removing the forced pressure of you and I are going to do this together. But you are introducing a standard that you have for who you choose to have a relationship with, which is that if someone’s not on the same page as me, I just wouldn’t bother having a relationship with them no matter how wonderful and sexy and attractive they were or how much fun I had with them, all of which is true for you, by the way. I cannot stress enough how important this is as a standard. Not a wish that they want the same things as me but a standard.
So many women have a standard for how attracted they want to be to someone, for how much of a connection they want to feel, for the chemistry that they want to experience. But they don’t have a standard for having aligned goals and intentions.
So, we have to start to raise our standards in this area. I can still have a standard for attraction but I better couple it with a standard for someone who has the same goals and intentions as me. Or all I am doing is acting as a co-conspirator in the theft of my own future.
Step 6, our final step for this video, be honest with yourself about whether there is the appropriate level of progress within the relationship as time goes on.
If you’re two years into dating this person who you’re only dating because in the beginning, they made clear when it was becoming serious and exclusive that they did have the same intentions as you on the same timeline. If you’re finding that that person cannot, will not, have the conversation about the progression, about when you might start thinking or looking at those things, if they can’t have those conversations, something is going wrong. There is a level of squeamishness from their side that might be able to be tolerated in a relationship where two people have all the time in the world but can’t be tolerated by you in a situation that is predicated for you on the two of you being on the same page.
So, don’t have the conversation once at the beginning of the relationship, and then bury it because you’re afraid to have it again in case it sabotages the relationship.
That’s a good reason to sabotage the relationship. And that doesn’t mean it has to be brought up every single day, but if after a year, you start talking about those things, and maybe that person says, “You know, I’m really excited about it. I just need a little bit more time but I am. I’m with you. I want the same things.” If you talk about it six months after that, and nothing is shifting for them, they just keep acting afraid to have the conversation, and make you feel like you’re treading on eggshells, then that is a sure sign as any that you are not on the same page. Because anyone who has a natural intentionality on the same timeline as you, doesn’t make you feel afraid to have a conversation about something. The conversation is easy. It’s fluid. It’s transparent. It’s more of a planning conversation than a, “Oh, you’re bringing up the war conversation.”
You have to be willing to have the conversation and then be honest with yourself about whether there is a sense of progression. If there’s not, never be afraid to stop the relationship. Never be afraid to walk away while there’s still time. Okay?
There’s a great—what’s that Mr. Rogers quote where he says, “I can stop.” I really want to find that quote. We can maybe—let me see if I can find this right now. So, this is what Mr. Rogers said. There was actually a song but he said, “It’s great to be able to stop when you’ve planned a thing that’s wrong and be able to do something else instead and think this song. I can stop when I want to, can stop when I wish. I can stop, stop, stop any time. And what a good feeling to feel like this and know that the feeling is really mine. Know that there’s something deep inside that helps us become what we can. For a girl can be someday a woman and a boy can be someday a man.”
Know that there’s a feeling deep inside you that is not going away, that is an expression of who you are and what you want in your life. And if the person you’re in a relationship with isn’t having the same feeling, you can stop. You can change direction. You do not need to stay in a relationship that you’ve sunk time and energy into just because of the so-called sunk cost fallacy that I need to make good the investment that I’ve already made. If you know it’s wrong, if you feel in your gut that this person is not going to get there with you, you can take that feeling that you have and leave that relationship, and use that feeling to express your full self to self-actualize and achieve and create everything that you always wanted.
Let me know what this video meant to you. Leave me a comment. And please pass this video on. Is there someone you know this could help? It would mean the world to me for you to help me reach more people with these messages. I think they’re messages we don’t hear nearly enough. I think many people have no idea where to go with these feelings that they have with the anxieties that they feel, with the panic that never leaves them. Please help me spread the word about this. Send this to your community, if you have one. Post about it. Send it, email it to friends and family. Help me spread the word and help more people.
Also, before you leave, I have something very exciting to share with you. Drum roll, please, Audrey and David. I’m not sure you can even hear that drum roll. But we have created a brand new, free guide for anybody who wants to get out there and start meeting better-quality people. Maybe you’re a little tired of the apps, you can’t stand this messaging random strangers online and hoping for that lightning-in-a-bottle feeling that you might get with someone. But you want to actually go and meet people in real life.
I can relate to that. I met Audrey, my now wife, at an engagement party of my friend. Didn’t know her before that party. I’m an advocate for the old-fashioned ways. Not to say dating apps are a problem. But, you know, we get tired of them. They can burn us out.
If you want to go out and meet someone in the real world, this guide is called Spark and Connect. It’s free and it gives you nine conversation starters that you can use with anybody you see today that you want to connect with. It’s super practical. It gives you very specific things you can use. And I know that you love my advice for that, for giving you very practical things that you can use just like this video has. So, if you like this video, you’re going to love this guide. Go to WhatToSayNext.com to download it for free right now.
By the way, if you haven’t already, like this video, subscribe to this channel, and don’t forget to hit the notification bell, so that the next time I do a video, you get notified. Thank you for watching this video. I will see you in the next one. Be well, my friends, and love life.
In our turbulent and chaotic world, love emerges as a tranquil haven to take the burden off your shoulders and get a sense of fulfillment. Still, building trusting, supportive, and caring relationships requires time, dedication, and effort. That’s why many people seek assistance in strengthening their romantic bond from various external sources. Among an array of practices and techniques, psychic reading is currently gaining tremendous traction.
Though some might view it skeptically, this method can be a viable tool to nourish and enhance love affairs. In this post, Nebula psychic gurus bring to light how harnessing psychic readings can foster and sustain their romantic bond. So let’s cover potential advantages and their practical applications across relationship dynamics in detail.
Transformative Power of Psychic Reading to Cherish Love: Nebula Psychic Overview
Every relationship goes through its share of ups and downs. When a couple finds themselves wading through rough waters or even the overwhelming stillness of stagnation that threatens the idea of a happily ever after, leaning on a bigger power for answers and direction can be extremely comforting for many. That’s what psychic readings offer. Let’s take a closer look at how the process works:
No matter how much a person invests in relationships, nothing works out without a profound self-understanding. In plain words, individuals should deal with their emotions, feelings, and behaviors, before boosting romantic bonds. Psychic reading serves as a flawless instrument to reveal our true selves given overarching personality traits, hidden desires, latent fears, and unresolved issues.
Through meticulous exploration of the deepest subconscious mind, Nebula psychic readers help disclose the cross-cutting patterns hindering matters of the heart. This self-knowledge caters to addressing recurring issues and approaching relationships in alignment with inner aspirations. And voila, you gain wishful clarity to develop healthy and strong connections.
Effective communication and conflict resolution as cornerstones
Support, trust, and respect are pivotal but the couple can’t cultivate these essentials when communication is poor. So to level up relationships effectively, active and honest dialogues lay the foundation. Leaning on the symbolism and wisdom of stars, tarot card readers or astrologers might pinpoint weak communication areas and give useful guidance on avenues to bridge the gaps.
Plus, a seasoned psychic reader can thoroughly scan past experiences to reveal the core reasons for difficult expressions of emotions and feelings. Commonly, this relates to the fear of judgment, rejection, or unacceptance. As a result, couples can create a comfortable and sympathetic environment to articulate and share what is on their minds. This, in turn, contributes to improving emotional interactions and reinforcing the inter-soul bond.
However seamless relationships are, avoiding conflicts is impossible. In fact, they testify to the couple’s craving to grow and improve. That said, arguments are not as vital as how partners resolve them and what conclusions are drawn. Psychic reading acts as the roadmap for navigating through the labyrinth of love challenges to a harmonious bond.
Gifted with unearthly intuitiveness, psychics can accurately identify where disputes stem from and pitch efficient resolution guidance. Whether it be domestic conflicts or disparities in future planning, two in love will face the primary origin of the problem. Thus instead of beating around the bush and continuously returning to the issue, they will find long-term solutions.
Two Facets Where Psychic Readings Bring Immense Value
Psychics can help people work through a whole spectrum of issues and find solutions that they may not be able to see on their own. In the realm of romantic relationships, though, the most important facets of psychic readings are:
Looking in the same direction and understanding each other is the key to success if you yearn to build long-lasting relationships. A majority of conflicts start with inaptitude or the reluctance to put yourself in a partner’s shoes. Luckily, psychic readings can handle this by offering unique perspectives on the thoughts and feelings of the loved one.
A holistic view of the partner’s emotional state and prevalent motivations can facilitate cultivating patience and empathy during the crisis period. Such knowledge will aid in preventing useless disputes and encourage mutual understanding, saving multiple relationships on the verge of breaking up.
It is not a secret that emotional intimacy and sexual attraction reduce over time. This can negatively influence other crucial aspects of relationships. Therefore, maintaining the flame of passion is imperative, and psychic readers can tackle this. By scrutinizing birth charts or interpreting the spread of tarot cards, they might excavate specific hindrances to romantic desire and suggest practical tips to restore the voltage between partners.
Based on vibrations hovering around a couple, characteristics of zodiac signs, and natal charts, psychics might also advise fitting activities to renew the intimate bond. This will not only conduce rekindling passion but reconnect on a deeper level, entailing a vast boost of relationship quality overall.
In the quest for balanced and fulfilled connections, psychic reading poses a potent solution. With a myriad of modalities for every preference, this practice promises to enhance established relationships or give hints to initiating a new fortunate love story. Whether you seek diligent self-reflection, mutual understanding, communication improvement, conflict resolution tips, or passion rebirth, an accomplished psychic reader will accommodate all your needs. So don’t waste a minute and dramatically revamp relationships right now!
I sat across the small, circular table, gripping my warm coffee cup as “Michelle” told me her story. I was zoned in, but at any time, I could have stopped Michelle and volunteered to finish telling the rest of her story. As a marriage coach and pastoral counselor, I’ve heard it all before. Michelle’s version included some more theatrical elements previously untold, but the main script was the same. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall madly in love. God sanctions the boy and girl’s marriage. Boy and girl have two kids and shortly realize, thereafter, “they have fallen out of love” and “don’t feel called to be married any longer.”
I don’t know if the questioning expression dripping from Michelle’s deep brown eyes beckoned my approval, understanding, or sympathy. I could offer understanding, sympathy, and empathy, but I could not get approval.
“Michelle, what biblical reason do you have to divorce your husband?” I asked.
She looked stunned. Her eyes searched the corners of the coffee house for answers before they returned to mine. “I just don’t believe all this conflict is healthy. It’s not healthy for us or our kids. I don’t think God wants us to be this unhappy anymore.”
The problem with Michelle’s summation of her marriage and the problem with over 50% of Christian couples who divorce is a lack of understanding of God’s purpose for marriage. God is more interested in holiness than happiness. That does not mean he wants women in long skirts, no makeup, and at the beck and call of their husbands to their detriment. It does mean that He is constantly at work to make us more like His son than he is working to make us happy. Yes, marriage is one of God’s discipleship tools to sanctify and unify us. Happiness is a byproduct of obedience, not the precursor to obedience.
Because we live in a social media, snip it and tweet it in society, popular catchphrases can rage like wildfire in seconds. Some of these catchphrases seem sensible, but they are quite shallow. Here are four popular phrases that are damaging the purpose of what God intended marriage to be:
Photo Credit: Image created using DALL.E 2024 AI technology and subsequently edited and reviewed by our editorial team.
1. “I’m/We’re Not Happy Anymore.”
Oh, to be happy. That’s the American dream. We spend countless amounts of money, time, and other resources trying to make ourselves happy. And, as you’ve probably discovered, we rarely are. Happiness is like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It’s aspirational and also fantastical. It’s the cherry on top, not the main dish. There are no Scriptures that declare God wants us to be happy. There are Scriptures, however, that advise us to trust the Lord to fulfill our desires, thus creating a happy heart:
Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4)
Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces (Psalm 34:5)
How happy is the one who does not walk in the advice of the wicked or stand in the pathway with sinners or sit in the company of mockers! Instead, his delight is in the LORD’s instruction, and he meditates on it day and night. (Psalm 1:1-2)
Happiness is an inside job. When you look to your spouse to “make” you happy, you are setting them and yourself up for failure. People can contribute to your overall feeling of well-being, but no one on Earth can make you happy. What couples are really saying when they say, “We just aren’t happy anymore,” usually means they have grown bored with the marriage and are tired of doing the work to create lasting love. Remember, feelings are fickle. Happiness comes and goes. But steadfast love endures.
Photo Credit: Image created using DALL.E 2024 AI technology and subsequently edited and reviewed by our editorial team.
2. “It’s Just Not Working.”
There are lots of thunderstorms where I live. It’s not uncommon for the power to go out in my neighborhood as a result of one of these sudden storms. Several years ago, my husband and I purchased a generator so that our food wouldn’t spoil in the refrigerator and we wouldn’t die from heat stroke waiting for the power company to restore our service. The first time we used the generator was a disaster! It was pouring rain. The darkness was so thick you could touch it. Using the light from our cell phones, my husband yanked the starter cord over and over. The machine choked a few times but wouldn’t start. Finally, I laid my hands on the generator and prayed it would come to life. And it did!
We could have easily taken the generator back to our local home improvement store and told the cashier we were returning it because it “didn’t work.” But we knew better. We know that generators do not work if they do not receive the proper amount of power. Too often, people expect marriage to “work.” I often say, “Marriages don’t work; people do.” Your marriage is inanimate. It requires someone to power it up for it to work. One of the first lessons I introduce in my premarital counseling sessions with couples is Needs and Expectations. Too many couples approach marriage like a fairy tale, and when Prince Charming stops charming, or Princess Peach stops being peachy, they’re ready to quit. Marriage is for the mature. The wedding vows say “for better or for worse” for a reason. As Christians, we must stop selling ourselves short, thinking our marriages are over when they stop working. Remember, a good marriage isn’t one that works. It’s one where you put in the work. Oh, and prayer helps a lot, too.
Photo Credit: Image created using DALL.E 2024 AI technology and subsequently edited and reviewed by our editorial team.
3. “We’re Just Not in Love Anymore.”
Love is not a feeling. It’s a verb: an action verb, to be more specific. There is a problem with looking at marriage from the lens of feeling in love. What most people are referencing is infatuation, not love. Infatuation is a real emotion and is defined as an intense and short-lived passion or admiration for someone. It’s not supposed to last. Sadly, we’ve been raised on rom-coms and fairy tales where that “feeling” of love is supposed to last forever. It’s no wonder couples are disillusioned when the realities of marriage set in. Bills have to be paid. Children aren’t always cute and cuddly—the storms of life surge on. Love is a continual action that must be cultivated daily. Love is not a ditch. You can’t “fall into it.” It’s a purposeful, intentional decision every day to center your spouse and not yourself.
How different would our world be if we actually learned to love one another as Christ loved us (I John 4:19)? There would be much less strife, jealousy, apathy, and pain. Whenever a couple I’m coaching tells me they “fell out of love,” I jokingly think, “Well, you better fall back into it, then.” What couples are trying to communicate here is that the romantic feelings have waned. I understand. In my twenty-five years of marriage, I have not always “felt” like loving. Again, feelings are fickle. They will let you down. I will not tell a couple to fall back in love, but I will ask them what intentional acts of love they pursued that day. You can already hear the crickets chirping in the background, right? I expound on this thought in 4 Things Christian Marriages Require of Us Beyond Love. The way to get that loving feeling again is to BE love.
Photo Credit:Image created using DALL.E 2024 AI technology and subsequently edited and reviewed by our editorial team.
4. “We Are Better off as Friends.”
Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt have done a disservice to every contentious ex-couple in the world. They seem happier as friends than they ever did as a couple. We see pictures of them laughing together, walking side by side, looking into each other’s eyes, and even flirting. It seems so romantic. It’s no wonder when couples start to face strife and conflict in their marriages, they often believe they’d be better as friends. Some couples even divorce “pre-emptively” before things get worse. None of this is biblical!
Over and over, Scripture describes marriage as a lifelong covenant that was never intended to be broken. Outside of significant marital trauma that may be grounds for divorce, the vast majority of marriage problems are fixable. Why settle for friends when God can make you one? More divorces are acrimonious than not. Children are hurt and often feel pressured to choose a side. Both spouses can suffer financially, dreams are shattered, and your legacy becomes tarnished. To those who have already divorced, I hope that you have received the grace of the Lord. There is no condemnation. But as Christians, we must be careful about romanticizing divorce as a viable option to ease the pain in our marriage.
If you are on the verge of divorce, seek help. A reputable Christian marriage coach or counselor can help you see things from a different perspective, offer godly solutions to get your marriage back on track, and help you to experience God’s amazing mercy and help in your time of need.
We are in the world, but not of it. It’s time for Christians to stop being duped by the world’s systems and its phrases. You are more than a conqueror through Jesus Christ, who loves you (Romans 8:37), and God is able to work all things together for your good because you love him and are calledaccording to HIS purpose (Romans 8:28).
Photo Credit: Image created using DALL.E 2024 AI technology and subsequently edited and reviewed by our editorial team.
This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit Christianity.com.
Dana Che Williams is a speaker, marriage/relationship coach, and the host of the Rebuilding US podcast, where she helps people uncomplicate relationships and build deeper connections. She is also a devoted daughter and friend of God and serves as a Teaching Pastor at a multi-site, multi-ethnic church in Virginia Beach, VA. In groups, large or small, Dana’s mission is singular: to help lead people into more fruitful and connected relationships with the Lord and each other. On the podcast, she is known for her graceful candor, humor, and encouraging yet challenging advice. Dana holds a B.A. in communication from Regent University. She has a fierce passion for fashion and a fiercer passion for truth. She shares her life with Shaun, her childhood sweetheart and husband of twenty-four years, their four amazing children, and their “multi-cultural” dog in beautiful Virginia Beach, VA. Connect with her on social media @mrsdanache and find helpful relationship resources on her website at https://danache.com.
So, you probably woke up this morning thinking about grilled hamburgers, why Joey Chestnut is not in the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest this year, our Nation’s 248th Birthday and our President’s love lives….
1. George Washington, our First President: There are two stories about Martha and George’s courtship: the first, they met during the much-touted society Williamsburg season, and the second they spent the night at a house party (not together) and were introduced by Colonel Chamberlayne.
BTW: While he remained loyal to her for 40 years until his death, he was rumored to love another woman.
2. Abraham Lincoln: Mary Todd, a Southern belle met Abe in Springfield, IL and he immediately told her “I am a poor nobody”. Three years later, after a stormy courtship and broken engagement, they were married.
BTW: He loved her very much despite her quirky ways until his death and she was known to have a shopping and spending addiction. (I love that he loved her just the way she was and never tried to change her—and that love was returned by her.)
3. John Adams: With Abigail, they won the letter-writing contest—over 60,000 letters were exchanged between the two while they were apart.
BTW: Rumored to have an incredibly sweet and lasting love together.
4. Ronald Reagan: Nancy reached out to him in 1949 when Ronald was President of SAG—needing help with her acting career. Love at first sight many claim, and it was a deep love that left Nancy highly protective of her husband—both in his White House years and after.
BTW: Much to Nancy’s dismay, it took 3 years for him to propose. Worth waiting for, right?
5. George W. Bush: They met in July 1977 over burgers at a backyard BBQ. Laura thought George was cute and said “he liked to talk and I loved listening to him”. A week ago I was in Dallas at his Presidential Library where a lovely client of mine is a docent and gave us a private tour—we watched the sweetest short film that Jenna and Barb (the twins) made about their parents.BTW: The friends hosting the BBQ had two women for George to meet that day! George proposed just a few months later. When you know, you know!
6. Barack Obama: After law school, Barack went to work for a large law firm in Chicago and there he met Michelle while she was practicing intellectual property and marketing for the same firm.
BTW: He asked her out several times, and as his advisor at the firm, said no repeatedly. Finally, she relented and they went to Baskin-Robbins for an ice cream cone. Never give up, right?
Happy July 4 and no matter what may be going on in our nation’s politics, I am thankful to celebrate this day in such a great country. Enjoy your day…I’m headed to our pool and BBQ….
If I could go back in time, I would relive my adolescence…(said nobody ever). Can you imagine? Reliving those awkward years where your teeth don’t quite fit your face, your skin betrays you, and your prefrontal cortex is far from fully developed? No thanks.
If you watched Disney Pixar’s “Inside Out”, which aired in 2015, you might remember Riley, the 11-year-old girl whose family had recently moved from Minnesota to San Francisco. There, we watched Riley experience emotions of Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust as she navigated a difficult transition during a vulnerable time in her life.
And finally, the sequel is here
In “Inside Out 2”, 13-year-old Riley is further along in her adolescence and must make room for some emotions that are a bit more sophisticated: Anxiety, Ennui/Embarrassment (my personal favorite–she’s a vibe), and Envy. As a therapist and a mother, I am HERE for the portrayal of emotions that are a bit more complex/secondary–because if you remember your adolescent years, you remember that everything was complicated, and emotions were most certainly magnified. And most of the support you needed at that time was not actually solution-oriented; but to be given the space to feel heard, seen, understood and accepted during those intense experiences was everything.
This is where Dr. John Gottman’s Emotion Coaching can be useful. The five critical steps of Emotion Coaching include:
Having awareness of your child’s emotion(s)
Recognizing your child’s emotional expression as a moment for connection
Listening with empathy and validation
Helping your child label their emotions
Setting limits to help solve problems and navigate difficult situations
When these steps are done with intentionality and curiosity, you are cultivating a foundation of connection, trust, safety, and security with your child. Your child feels seen and supported. They can take a breath and take space to recognize and honor their internal world and experiences, without external or internal judgment or criticism.
Making space for ALL the emotions
One of the scenes that stood out to me most in the film was the portrayal of Riley experiencing an anxiety attack. In that scene, we witness the physiological experience of anxiety–her racing heart, sweating, and intense cognitive rumination of who she is as a person. All of this is happening while, behind the scenes, Riley’s “sense of self” is threatened. This scene felt like a poignant and horribly accurate depiction of adolescence–a part of yourself that you don’t want to fully experience or share with others for fear of not being accepted. But the antidote to that is vulnerability–sharing that authentic part of yourself with others.
Another beautiful scene I resonated with in “Inside Out 2” is when all of Riley’s emotions, the primary and secondary, come together and physically (and figuratively) hold Riley’s “sense of self” while allowing her to fully experience all of the emotions, narratives, and thoughts she has. Instead of trying to control, they accept. And true acceptance of all of our parts is what we all crave and desire.
In summary, this quote from the film epitomizes Emotion Coaching in a nutshell: “We love all of our girl. Every messy, beautiful part of her.” If we make space and validate all of our emotions, every messy, beautiful part of ourselves (and our children), we can live fully and authentically.
You can read the blog below or watch it on YouTube by clicking here.
Healthy Step #1.Take the time you need to heal
When a relationship ends, you’ll need some time to process and reflect on what happened.
Sometimes you know why it ended and sometimes, you really don’t.
To get a clearer perspective of what happened, you’ll want to ask yourself a couple of questions that will help you to understand what went well and what went awry in the relationship so you can recognize it and not repeat it in the future.
1. What did I love about this man and the relationship?
2. What didn’t I love about both him and the relationship?
3. What do I wish could have been different?
4. What was my role in the relationship that contributed to the breakup?
5. What are the lessons I learned from being with this man?
6. What qualities from this man and this relationship would I like to take into my next one?
Healthy Step #2. Be really kind to yourself right now
Try these pampering, fun ways to lift your spirits while you’re in the healing process.
Treat yourself to a beautiful new journal and write down on paperall of the emotions you’re experiencing. This will bring clarity to your situation and will help you release a lot of the anger, sadness and grief you are feeling.
It’s nice during a sad time to have some one take care of you and make you feel momentarily better. Get a relaxing massage to release both the emotional and physical toxins from your body, or pet your dog, or ask a friend for a good hug. You could probably use lots of them right now.
Head out with a friend to your favorite restaurant and over lunch or dinner process the relationship and the breakup. You’ll feel loved and supported by someone who really cares about you.
Make or buy your favorite comfort food. Whether it’s macaroni and cheese or a certain cookie your mom used to make . . . it will momentarily take you back to warm and fuzzier times.
Watch old TV shows or movies that make you laugh. You know what they say . . . laughter is the best medicine.
If you are up to it, volunteer somewhere or offer to assist a friend with a project. Helping others can make you feel better and take your mind off your own troubles for a bit.
Everything can feel really blue after a breakup so consider starting a gratitude journal and write down 3 wonderful things you are grateful for today . . . even if it’s the sky is a beautiful blue or my dog loves me. It’s going to keep you grounded. And it will help you counter some of the sadness that can be overwhelming for you right now by reminding you that good things are still happening around you.
Healthy Step #3. Allow yourself to grieve and mourn the end of a relationship
Don’t hold back.
Let the tears flow.
It’s healthy, it’s a release and it will ultimately help you heal.
Should the sadness get too heavy, get support from a counselor or a trusted friend to help you cope.
Healthy Step #4. Wait to date until you’ve healed
It’s tempting to substitute one man for another but it rarely works.
When you don’t take the time you need to reflect and heal before dating again, you end up bringing open wounds – better known as baggage from your past – into a new relationship.
You’ll know when the time is right to date again because you don’t feel the same intensity of emotions like anger or sadness that you might be feeling now.
Healthy Step #5. Discover yourself again and create a great relationship with you while you are waiting to date
When you’ve been with someone for a while, it’s hard to imagine creating a single life again.
Getting back in touch with yourself can be both exciting and a lot of fun while you’re going through the healing process.
Try signing up for classes you’ve always wanted to take or go see a fun chick flick by yourself or with a friend.
Sign up at MeetUp.com for fun activities that interest you.
You’ll get to meet new like-minded friends who love doing what you like to do plus you’ll get out and have fun.
Breakups are hard.
Yet, when you can see them as an opportunity to get clarity and to heal, you will find that new doors start opening again fairly quickly.
All you have to do is be willing to open that door when you’re ready . . . then walk through it to discover the magic that could be waiting for you on the other side.
How exciting!
So my question to you is how have you coped in the past with a breakup?
I’d love to hear about your healing process and how it worked for you.
Believing in you!
Believing in You!
Your Next Steps to Love after 50. . . .
💞 Feeling like you are on a merry-go-round of mismatched dates? Lets press pause and talk about how we can write a new love story for you. Click here to start our conversation. Tell me your story – I am here to listen and guide you towards meeting someone truly special.
If you are still gearing up for that step, I have plenty of insights and inspiration for you:
1. Subscribe to my YouTube Channel for heartfelt dating wisdom and uplifting success stories from women who have been just where you are. They found love, and so can you. Click here to watch and learn.
2. Discover a new chapter in your dating life with my book, “The Winning Dating Formula.” It is more than a book; it is your journey to love mapped out. And it is just a click away on Amazon. Click here and start attracting the love you deserve.
3. Join our Finding Love after 50 Facebook group to find camaraderie and connection. It is a warm and welcoming space to share your journey and receive support every step of the way. Click here to become part of our community.
4. On the lookout for a dating site that resonates with you? Browse through my personal selection of the best dating sites tailor-made for fabulous over 50s. Click here and say goodbye to guesswork.
Let these resources be your steppingstones to a love life filled with promise and joy. When you are ready, I am here to take that journey with you. Together, lets find your Mr. Right! 🌹
Love this article? Sign up by clicking here to receive my weekly blog.
In June, a New York appeals court unanimously ruled to keep the Equal Rights Amendment on the November ballot after a state Supreme Court judge had tossed it in May. If voters pass the ERA, the amendment will be added to the state constitution and will offer expansive protections against discrimination based on ethnicity, national origin, age, disability, and sex—inclusive of sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression—and, notably, pregnancy outcomes and reproductive autonomy, among others.
Codifying the ERA to the New York Bill of Rights would be the first time a state constitution explicitly states sex discrimination includes discrimination based on a person’s pregnancy or pregnancy outcome, according to the NYCLU.
New York state Sen. Elizabeth Krueger, who co-sponsored the bill in 2022, has worked to bring the ERA to voters for the past five years. She told Rewire News Group the ERA could have been put on the 2023 ballot, but she decided to wait for the 2024 presidential election, which is expected to have a much higher voter turnout.
“We need this to pass because, as we have learned, state by state, we’re all under attack,” Krueger said. “Each state is gonna have to go down their road alone, because we’re not going to be able to count on the federal system.”
Krueger said she will lead a virtual presentation closer to the election to help educate voters about the ERA.
The process of enshrining these protections in the state constitution began with both chambers of the state legislature passing the ERA in two consecutive sessions. The state senate and assembly voted to pass the amendment on July 1, 2022, and again on January 24, 2023. The decision to place the ERA on the ballot was challenged in early May 2024 by state Supreme Court Justice Daniel Doyle, a Republican who issued a lawsuit in Livingston County in western New York.
Andrew Taverrite, communications director and senior adviser for New Yorkers for Equal Rights, a ballot initiative committee made up of civil and reproductive rights organizations advocating for the ERA’s passage, said Doyle’s decision wasn’t surprising, given that the anti-abortion movement is doing everything it can to block ballot measures that protect abortion rights.
“Anti-abortion politicians have been working in courthouses across the country to use the judiciary to take away power from the people, blocking abortion access, blocking reproductive freedoms,” Taverrite said. “They went judge shopping. They wanted to ensure that New Yorkers didn’t even have a chance to vote on this amendment come November.”
Attorney General Letitia James’ office appealed Doyle’s decision, and a panel of judges from a New York appeals court heard the case. The judges said those who filed to block the ERA missed the deadline to bring a lawsuit, and it reinstated the measure to the ballot on June 18.
“It’s critical that the voters vote yes on the New York Equal Rights Amendment because we need to close those loopholes in the state constitution.”
– Bonyen Lee-Gilmore, vice president of communications at the National Institutes for Reproductive Health
Currently, New York’s state constitution only protects against racial and religious discrimination, and all other state measures to protect equal rights are at the whim of who’s in office. ERA protections would be able to withstand any future changes to political leanings in the state government.
Bonyen Lee-Gilmore, vice president of communications at the National Institutes for Reproductive Health—one of the organizations within New Yorkers for Equal Rights—said conservative lawmakers’ attacks against the ERA show that they believe their agenda is counter to what voters actually want.
“It’s very telling that they don’t want voters to go to the ballot and they don’t want voters having a say in what their state can and can’t protect,” Lee-Gilmore said. “We don’t want to leave our rights and freedoms up to the changing political winds. … It’s critical that the voters vote yes on the New York Equal Rights Amendment because we need to close those loopholes in the state constitution.”
In a recent Politico article, ERA opponents were quoted saying that the amendment could weaken statutory rape laws, let minors receive gender-affirming health care without parental consent, and allow minors to purchase age-restricted products like alcohol, among other age-related arguments. Lee-Gilmore said the ERA will not have those effects and that these scare tactics are all disinformation.
“They want to confuse people,” Lee-Gilmore said. “They want to go after people’s fears, and any sort of misconceptions that people might hold about health care, reproductive health care, gender-affirming care, all of that.”
Krueger said the disinformation campaign against the ERA is the biggest challenge to getting the amendment passed by voters.
“They’re going down that road because they know that in New York state, they can’t win a fight saying, ‘We don’t want abortion,’” Krueger said. “So while they’re pretending this isn’t really about abortion, the money is all coming from the anti-choice funding community.”
Leading up to the November election, New Yorkers for Equal Rights is working with 270 groups across the state to build support for the ERA among voters, according to Taverrite.
“We have broad support across partisan lines [and] ideological lines,” Taverrite said. “That’s not something you see every day, and it’s something we’re really excited about. So we’re going to be getting out to speak to all New Yorkers across the state, making sure they know that their rights and fundamental freedoms are on the ballot in November, and to get people to vote yes.”
Most animals have a mating season. They only do it at specific times of year that coincide with fertile periods. By contrast, humans are what scientists call “continuous breeders,” meaning that we’re DTF all year long. We can do it any time, any place. However, while we don’t have a limited calendar for sex, human sexual behavior still has a seasonality to it. It turns out that people consistently have more sex at certain times of year, and less at others. Specifically, what the data shows is that summertime seems to coincide with a peak in sexual activity. So what’s the deal with that? Let’s explore what the research says about sexy time in the summer.
The Science of Summer Sex
Before we get into the reasons behind why people have more sex in the summer months, let’s first look at the evidence supporting the idea that there’s a seasonal shift in sexual behavior. There are multiple pieces of data suggesting that we get hot for hot weather. For example, if you look at our online sexual behavior, research finds that we search for more porn in the summer. Searches for online dating rise at the same time, too. Likewise, looking at sales data for safer-sex tools, there has historically been an increase in condom purchases in the summer months. Considering data collected by sexual health clinics, what we see is that people report having had a larger number of sex partners when they come in for STI testing in the summer compared to other times of year. This is true for both men and women across sexual orientations. Consistent with this, clinic data also finds that the odds of being diagnosed with a sexually transmitted infection is highest in the summer. In short, all of the evidence suggests that we’re hornier and having more sex (and more partners) in the summer. To understand why this happens, though, we need to look at this through a biopsychosocial lens because there are biological, psychological, and social factors that all contribute to this.
The Role of Biology: Exposure to Sunlight Boosts Testosterone
Researchers have found that exposure to UVB light seems to prompt changes in hormones and sexual behavior in animals and humans alike. For example, in animal studies, mice that are exposed to UVB light demonstrate an increase in sex hormones. Further, both male and female mice subsequently engage in more mating behavior. Research on humans has found something similar. In a study where men and women were asked to either avoid sunlight exposure for two days vs. spend about a half hour in the sun each day, blood samples showed a rise in testosterone on the days people got more sun. Sunlight exposure therefore appears to have a direct physiological impact on the body. And since summer is the sunniest time of year, that’s when we’re going to experience the biggest effect. So part of the rise in summer sex is hormonal—we just tend to have more testosterone in our bodies, which opens the door to more feelings of sexual arousal and desire. But it’s not just about testosterone. Sunlight also boosts production of the neurotransmitter serotonin, which plays an important role in regulating mood (hence why the most popular anti-depressants are designed to target serotonin). It stands to reason that if we have more of these feel-good neurotransmitters in our system in the summer, that might also open the door to more sexual activity.
The Role of Psychology: Excitation Transfer
During the summer months, we tend to engage in more exciting and novel activities. For example, this is often the time of year when people take vacations, visit amusement parks, and engage in fun outdoor activities, like swimming. When we participate in new and exciting things like this, it has the effect of increasing our physiological arousal, which can transform into (or amplify) sexual arousal. Psychologists refer to this as “excitation transfer,” and it basically means that excitement from one situation is intensifying excitement in another situation. For example, studies have found that when people have just participated in something intense (such as exercising or riding a roller coaster), they subsequently experience an increase in sexual attraction to other people. In other words, if you do something physiologically arousing and then meet someone new, the odds of attraction rise. Beyond excitation transfer, there’s also just a broader shift in our sexual psychology in the summer due to the fact that it’s a period during which many of us have more leisure time. Taking time off from school or work can make us feel less stressed and more relaxed, which can create more opportunities for us to feel desire and arousal.
The Role of the Environment: Sexy Cues Abound
Think for a moment about how you dress differently in the summer compared to colder times of year. Odds are, you wear less clothing! Summer naturally lends itself toward a more sexualized environment. It’s a time when you’re going to see a lot of skimpy outfits, shirtless runners, and people in bathing suits. In other words, the environment around us is a very different one and we may simply be seeing more cues that trigger arousal. This effect may be amplified if you’re traveling or taking a beach vacation where you might be seeing and meeting a lot of new and attractive people. At the same time, just being in a novel environment can be a turn-on in and of itself. Maybe you’re staying in a sexy hotel room, swimming under a waterfall, or taking a late-night dip in a hot tub. Summer vacations often take us to places we associate with passion and romance, which further add to the sexy cues.
Takeaways
The data are clear: people have more sex and generally feel hornier in the summer compared to other times of year. So if you’ve ever noticed that your sexual behavior tends to be seasonal, you’re not alone! However, there’s isn’t just one simple reason behind this. A potent blend of biological, psychological, and environmental factors work together to make summer the sexiest season.
References:
Parikh, R., Sorek, E., Parikh, S., Michael, K., Bikovski, L., Tshori, S., … & Levy, C. (2021). Skin exposure to UVB light induces a skin-brain-gonad axis and sexual behavior. Cell Reports, 36(8), 109579.
Cornelisse, V. J., Chow, E. P., Chen, M. Y., Bradshaw, C. S., & Fairley, C. K. (2016). Summer heat: A cross-sectional analysis of seasonal differences in sexual behaviour and sexually transmissible diseases in Melbourne, Australia. Sexually Transmitted Infections.
Seasonal changes in Google search trends for pornography, prostitution, and online dating: Markey, P. M., & Markey, C. N. (2013). Seasonal variation in internet keyword searches: A proxy assessment of sex mating behaviors. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 42(4), 515-521.
Meston, C. M., & Frohlich, P. F. (2003). Love at first fright: Partner salience moderates roller-coaster-induced excitation transfer. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 32, 537-544.
Most animals have a mating season. They only do it at specific times of year that coincide with fertile periods. By contrast, humans are what scientists call “continuous breeders,” meaning that we’re DTF all year long. We can do it any time, any place. However, while we don’t have a limited calendar for sex, human sexual behavior still has a seasonality to it. It turns out that people consistently have more sex at certain times of year, and less at others. Specifically, what the data shows is that summertime seems to coincide with a peak in sexual activity. So what’s the deal with that? Let’s explore what the research says about sexy time in the summer.
The Science of Summer Sex
Before we get into the reasons behind why people have more sex in the summer months, let’s first look at the evidence supporting the idea that there’s a seasonal shift in sexual behavior. There are multiple pieces of data suggesting that we get hot for hot weather. For example, if you look at our online sexual behavior, research finds that we search for more porn in the summer. Searches for online dating rise at the same time, too. Likewise, looking at sales data for safer-sex tools, there has historically been an increase in condom purchases in the summer months. Considering data collected by sexual health clinics, what we see is that people report having had a larger number of sex partners when they come in for STI testing in the summer compared to other times of year. This is true for both men and women across sexual orientations. Consistent with this, clinic data also finds that the odds of being diagnosed with a sexually transmitted infection is highest in the summer. In short, all of the evidence suggests that we’re hornier and having more sex (and more partners) in the summer. To understand why this happens, though, we need to look at this through a biopsychosocial lens because there are biological, psychological, and social factors that all contribute to this.
The Role of Biology: Exposure to Sunlight Boosts Testosterone
Researchers have found that exposure to UVB light seems to prompt changes in hormones and sexual behavior in animals and humans alike. For example, in animal studies, mice that are exposed to UVB light demonstrate an increase in sex hormones. Further, both male and female mice subsequently engage in more mating behavior. Research on humans has found something similar. In a study where men and women were asked to either avoid sunlight exposure for two days vs. spend about a half hour in the sun each day, blood samples showed a rise in testosterone on the days people got more sun. Sunlight exposure therefore appears to have a direct physiological impact on the body. And since summer is the sunniest time of year, that’s when we’re going to experience the biggest effect. So part of the rise in summer sex is hormonal—we just tend to have more testosterone in our bodies, which opens the door to more feelings of sexual arousal and desire. But it’s not just about testosterone. Sunlight also boosts production of the neurotransmitter serotonin, which plays an important role in regulating mood (hence why the most popular anti-depressants are designed to target serotonin). It stands to reason that if we have more of these feel-good neurotransmitters in our system in the summer, that might also open the door to more sexual activity.
The Role of Psychology: Excitation Transfer
During the summer months, we tend to engage in more exciting and novel activities. For example, this is often the time of year when people take vacations, visit amusement parks, and engage in fun outdoor activities, like swimming. When we participate in new and exciting things like this, it has the effect of increasing our physiological arousal, which can transform into (or amplify) sexual arousal. Psychologists refer to this as “excitation transfer,” and it basically means that excitement from one situation is intensifying excitement in another situation. For example, studies have found that when people have just participated in something intense (such as exercising or riding a roller coaster), they subsequently experience an increase in sexual attraction to other people. In other words, if you do something physiologically arousing and then meet someone new, the odds of attraction rise. Beyond excitation transfer, there’s also just a broader shift in our sexual psychology in the summer due to the fact that it’s a period during which many of us have more leisure time. Taking time off from school or work can make us feel less stressed and more relaxed, which can create more opportunities for us to feel desire and arousal.
The Role of the Environment: Sexy Cues Abound
Think for a moment about how you dress differently in the summer compared to colder times of year. Odds are, you wear less clothing! Summer naturally lends itself toward a more sexualized environment. It’s a time when you’re going to see a lot of skimpy outfits, shirtless runners, and people in bathing suits. In other words, the environment around us is a very different one and we may simply be seeing more cues that trigger arousal. This effect may be amplified if you’re traveling or taking a beach vacation where you might be seeing and meeting a lot of new and attractive people. At the same time, just being in a novel environment can be a turn-on in and of itself. Maybe you’re staying in a sexy hotel room, swimming under a waterfall, or taking a late-night dip in a hot tub. Summer vacations often take us to places we associate with passion and romance, which further add to the sexy cues.
Takeaways
The data are clear: people have more sex and generally feel hornier in the summer compared to other times of year. So if you’ve ever noticed that your sexual behavior tends to be seasonal, you’re not alone! However, there’s isn’t just one simple reason behind this. A potent blend of biological, psychological, and environmental factors work together to make summer the sexiest season.
References:
Parikh, R., Sorek, E., Parikh, S., Michael, K., Bikovski, L., Tshori, S., … & Levy, C. (2021). Skin exposure to UVB light induces a skin-brain-gonad axis and sexual behavior. Cell Reports, 36(8), 109579.
Cornelisse, V. J., Chow, E. P., Chen, M. Y., Bradshaw, C. S., & Fairley, C. K. (2016). Summer heat: A cross-sectional analysis of seasonal differences in sexual behaviour and sexually transmissible diseases in Melbourne, Australia. Sexually Transmitted Infections.
Seasonal changes in Google search trends for pornography, prostitution, and online dating: Markey, P. M., & Markey, C. N. (2013). Seasonal variation in internet keyword searches: A proxy assessment of sex mating behaviors. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 42(4), 515-521.
Meston, C. M., & Frohlich, P. F. (2003). Love at first fright: Partner salience moderates roller-coaster-induced excitation transfer. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 32, 537-544.
