Category: Dating & Love

‘Affair’ is quite a common word these days, but all affairs are not the same. There are seven types of affairs, seven ways for infidelity to rear its ugly head in your life. Once you know the kind of affair a cheating partner has had, you can make more informed decisions for the future. Do you want to end the relationship, or continue with it? Any affair will harm the marriage/relationship deeply even though it affects the people involved differently.

Are there different types of affairs? Yes, experts do classify them into seven different categories based on the level of intimacy in the relationship. Let’s learn more about the types of affairs, so you can be sure whether your partner’s questionable behavior is telling you something you may have overlooked or didn’t think possible.

7 Types Of Affairs You Did Not Know About

If you were thinking about how an affair can be emotional or sexual or both, you are about to be stumped. In the age of self-exploration and digital enthusiasm, affairs go far beyond just these two. You want to avoid cheating on your partner and try to find an appropriate way to do so, whether it’s just exchanging messages on social media or getting involved with someone just as you’re leaving a current relationship, which is known as an exit affair!

Interestingly, you may think it’s just a friendship or perhaps even a little more, but after reading this piece, and according to psychologists, you will realize you are already in an affair. If you aren’t aware of the types of affairs, it’s possible you might just end up indulging in one without realizing it.

How many types of affairs are there and what is the reason behind these infidelities? According to the psychology of affairs, experts have classified 7 different kinds of affairs.  Read on to know about them and check whether you or your partner fall into any of these categories.

Related Reading: Surviving An Affair – 12 Steps To Reinstate Love And Trust In A Marriage

1. Sexual affair

Sexual affairs rank as the most prevalent among types of affairs that lead to divorce. Despite knowing their unfaithfulness, individuals engage in these encounters. Typically, this involves a strictly physical connection devoid of deep emotional ties. Often categorized as flings or casual hookups, these interactions often occur in secrecy, hidden from the partner.

In essence, these hot affairs revolve around fulfilling primal desires. The participants embark on this journey with the aim of gratifying their sexual needs. These liaisons commence as straightforward physical engagements, devoid of emotional exchange, resembling a no-strings-attached arrangement.

Effect on relationship

The impact of a sexual affair on a relationship can be substantial. The betrayed partner often experiences feelings of hurt, betrayal, and inadequacy. The breach of trust challenges the core of the relationship, potentially leading to communication breakdowns and insecurity. Rebuilding love after emotional damage necessitates time, open dialogue, and couples’ therapy. The emotional toll can be lasting, underscoring the importance of addressing the issue comprehensively to determine the future of the relationship.

2. Romantic affair

Does an emotional affair with married man count as one of the forms of infidelity? Absolutely. An emotional affair originates innocently as a friendship and gradually transforms into a profound bond. It may even evolve into a romantic relationship, encroaching upon the territory of the marriage partner. All this takes place just so that emotional needs can be fulfilled.

While physical intimacy might not be initially involved, the strength of this extramarital relationship is potent. Developing an emotional attachment is easy, but detachment can be challenging. What may seem harmless due to the absence of sex can actually be more harmful. In due course, romantic infidelity may evolve into a sexual relationship.

Let’s look at the psychology of affairs with the help of findings: 15% of married women and 25% of married men confessed to indulging in extramarital sex. But when it comes to emotional infidelity in marriage, the numbers skyrocket. About 35% of women and 45% of men reported being in an emotional relationship at least once in their marriage. Intriguing, isn’t it?

Effect on relationship

When affairs turn to love, their effect is substantial. Romantic relationships outside marriage rupture trust and emotional connection, leading to feelings of betrayal, jealousy, and insecurity for the partner who discovers it. Emotional affairs highlight the importance of emotional connections and the need to protect the boundaries in a committed relationship. However, these could also be one of the affairs that lead to marriage.

3. Online affair

‘I felt seen and noticed for the first time in years’, she wrote to us. She connected with her college crush during a reunion and started a digital affair. Historically, men have been more likely to cheat, but cyber relationships may be changing that. Among the types of adultery, this is the where:

• You share your experiences, fears, emotions and feelings with your online partner rather than your spouse
• They become your mentor, confidant, and guide as you become theirs
• This leads to a strong emotional bond and that too rapidly

In this modern age, it is easy to be connected to another via the digital platform. People who have digital affairs entice each other by sending seductive, sexy text messages, and build a virtual intimate relationship. Among the 7 types of affairs, this is the easiest to indulge in because this love affair doesn’t involve a real relationship.

Another interesting fact to see is that on dating apps, one can be whoever one wants to be, have a zero size figure or six-pack abs, intellect or a sports enthusiast. One can type, backspace, delete. Anyone can display any image of themselves they want. And the other falls in love with that image. What drives a digital affair? If you have your own smartphone, you can access the person from anywhere at any time.

And all you pay for this double life is the cost of your service provider’s charges. E-gifts, songs via WhatsApp, morning sunset pictures cost nothing! You can hide your true identity and flirt for months or till you are comfortable taking it to a face-to-face meetup.

Effect on relationship

You may or may not meet the person physically, but the chats on your phone are enough to say that you are cheating on your partner. It’s different than the other types of cheating in a relationship, which is why it can sometimes be hard to catch.

But once caught, it can lead to feelings of guilt on both sides for a long time. The partner who had the affair usually feels guilty about the affair. The uninvolved partner may feel they pushed their partner into an affair by lacking something. This may result in low self-esteem and health issues like anxiety/depression.

4. Casual affair

By definition, a one-night stand is almost exclusively about sex. In general, people do not think of one-night stands as an affair, even though it is a betrayal and hurts deeply. How the cheated-on spouse reacts to his/her partner’s one-night stand is extremely subjective. Some may think it is a serious transgression, others may see it as a moment of weakness. For most, though, a one-night-stand affair is usually a moment of weakness or an act of impulse.

They didn’t plan on doing it, it just ‘happened’. Perhaps when they had a drink or two, one thing led to another. Whether you were angry or drunk doesn’t make it any less than cheating. These affairs are usually based on impulse and are with strangers. The fact that it was a one-time affair makes you want to keep it under wraps.

At times, people have one-night stands to take revenge on their partner and make sure that their partner knows about it. They sleep with someone and enjoy the night as a way to take revenge for cheating or mistreatment in a marriage. Such cases almost are definitely the types of affairs that lead to divorce.

Even so, a spouse forgiving their cheating partner for this type of affair isn’t an unusual thing by any means. It’s possible to move past a one-night stand, granted both partners are absolutely committed to making their relationship better.

Related Reading: How To Deal With A Lying Husband?

5. Escape affair

Distraction affairs happen when one partner is stressed. It could be a bad spell in their business or career, it could be about a health emergency with a family member or it could be the loss of a loved one.

When one has had a hard time coping with these serious, depressing issues, they can become vulnerable to engaging in an affair. An affair at this point is the way to distract themselves from the current pressures of life.

This is when one cheats on their partner without even realizing it.  They do not want to cheat on their partners, they just want some relief from the existing burden of responsibilities. In marriage, as time passes, couples see themselves less as a source of happiness and fun and more as an avenue to solve issues together and shoulder responsibilities.

An affair partner there can offer exactly the opposite, an escape from the grey reality. Distraction affairs may help in the beginning, but eventually end up adding more stress to an already stressful life. The constant lying and cheating along with the guilt feeling can play havoc with one’s sense of self and life.

As a result, they become physically and emotionally distant from their partners too. At a time when one is already pressed for time and energy, this can turn out to be a huge waste of that essential resource. Why extramarital affairs happen is too broad a question to answer in one go, but this type of affair usually happens when partners become emotionally unavailable for each other.

6. Exit affair syndrome

The split self affair is the riskiest of the 7 types of affairs. Here the cheating party is connected through the mind, body, and perhaps even soul with the affair partner. S/he is in love and has a strong meaningful relationship with the affair partner. And the spouse, of course, has no clue. This is infidelity at all levels – emotional, physical, and sometimes even psychological.

Here, the person literally lives a double life –

• Their emotional/physical needs are met with the affair partner, while their familial needs are met with the marriage partner
• It is two parallel relationships where s/he is equally invested in both and deeply so
• People who have this affair end up becoming masters of manipulation and experts at lying and deceiving

Most people get into new relationships because they are unhappy with their marriage, or at least that’s what they say. They are unable to figure out an exit strategy for some reason or the other; kids, alimony, conflict avoidance in marriage, etc.  Whatever the reason, they feel trapped in the marriage and are unable to get out of it. This is essentially how limerence and exit affairs work. This is why these are affairs that last a lifetime.

Effect on relationship

Are exit affairs ever successful? Well, according to research, the so-called successful extramarital affaires cause grief and relational problems to the individual, the couple and even their offspring. They were found to be associated with depression, anxiety and even PTSD, leading to divorce. Additionally, marital indiscretions were linked to domestic violence and increased exposure to sexually transmitted diseases.

7. Serial affair

These affairs are for sex addicts and ultimate playboys. They go on and on, affairs after affairs. They love the thrill that a new romance, a new body, brings and they can not seem to stop themselves. Obviously, any concern for their partner is set aside.

They may apologize profusely when an affair is discovered, but they will indulge in another and yet another. They just seem incapable of saying no to temptation. Sex is like a drug they are addicted to and for them, variety does become the spice of their lives. They easily get bored and have multiple sex partners.

They are ridden by their sexual urges and never find true fulfillment, no matter how many times they cheat on a spouse. Such people are adept at hiding their affairs from their spouses. With every affair they become smarter at hiding it, their wives less trusting.

Spouses of sex addicts have a difficult time coming to grips with this type of affair because it happens a lot and whatever they may promise, they fail to see it through. People in these type of affairs most often get away with it. Many names come to mind, Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton, Daniel Craig, to name a few. Among the 7 types of affair, the serial affair also happens often.

Related Reading: 7 People Share Stories Of Marriages That Survived Rough Patches

Do Affairs Ever Work?

Reading about the types of affairs to keep ourselves aware of how we may indulge/be victims of infidelity is well and good, but do the affairs ever work? This is like a million-dollar question. As we explained in the 7 types of affairs, every affair has a different purpose and every person finds a different kind of gratification in the affair. Some want sexual gratification, some want emotional solace.

Affairs work at a certain level in the sense that they gives momentary respite and happiness to the people involved, but as time goes by and they have to keep the affair under wraps, it becomes hard on the relationship. So hard, that it often fizzles out.

If you were wondering if affairs that break up a marriage end in fruitful relationships, the answer isn’t too straightforward. The purely physical, one-off lustful affairs don’t really have the highest chance of succeeding as a relationship. However the mind-body affairs, the ones that feature emotional as well as physical intimacy, might just end a marriage and work out as a relationship, if not for at least a while.

If you’ve been wondering “How do affairs end usually?”, the statistics paint a grim picture for marriages borne out of affairs, studies claim that just 5 to 7% of affairs end up in marriages, and of those, 75% usually do not last. Affairs, therefore, don’t seem to hold much promise when it comes to a long-term commitment.

The consequences of two married people getting into an affair are usually never good and it’s hard to work it out. But there are instances where a person has cone out of a marriage or a long-term relationship to be with the affair partner. But usually married women find it harder to move out because of an affair than married men.

How Long Do Most Affairs Last?

Affairs may not necessarily lead to the most fruitful marriage between cheating partners, but they still cause considerable pain to victims of infidelity. When a partner wails out “It was just one night, I promise”, the promise doesn’t usually sound sincere considering how your trust has entirely been broken.

Which is why, in the moment, it may seem like what you’re going through is a type of affair that will lead to divorce and your relationship will never recover from this. Inherent here is the assumption that the cheating partners’ affair is going to last a considerable amount of time.

However, according to WebMd, the “in love” stage of an affair usually lasts around 6 to 18 months. Experts unanimously agree that affairs last as long as both parties are getting what they want out of the equation and usually end not too long after the 6-12 month mark.

The generally agreed-upon answer to “How do affairs end usually?” tells us that affairs do not have the longest life span, but exceptions, as in all things, are not impossible.

Hopefully, you learned a little about the types of betrayal in marriage. When a relationship falls victim to any of these (be it revenge affairs or accidental infidelity), the end result is often sorrow and grief. Being aware of the types of cheating can help you avoid the possibility of your partner ever being unfaithful in any way, or even you indulging in something you previously didn’t consider cheating.

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Signs Your Husband Is Having An Affair

Confessions Of Five Women Who Say, “My Husband Cheated But I Feel Guilty”

Being consumed by the needs of a partner and feeling compelled to fix the partner or the relationship is among the tell-tale indicators of a codependent marriage. However, people tend to dismiss signs of codependency with statements like: 

• “I’m too independent to be a codependent partner”, or 
• “How can I be codependent when I’m the one my partner leans on for support and help?” 

Whether it is rooted in denial or lack of understanding, unresolved codependency is neither healthy nor sustainable. It can even lead to serious relationship problems or divorce, research indicates. So how can we spot and fix relationship codependency? 

In this article, psychotherapist Gopa Khan (Masters in Counseling Psychology, M.Ed), who specializes in marriage and family counseling, outlines the anatomy of a codependent relationship, the difference between healthy love vs. codependency, and codependent behavior examples. She also provides tips on breaking codependency in marriage as well as fixing a codependent marriage.

What Is A Codependent Marriage?

The term “codependent” was initially used to describe the relationship patterns of people in love with or sharing a life with addicts or alcoholics. In fact, these patterns were first recognized by the wives of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) members, according to research. While that paradigm still stands, psychologists now agree that codependency can be at the core of other dysfunctional relationships as well. 

So, what does it mean to be codependent on someone, particularly one’s spouse? Codependence in relationships can be described as a state where:

• One partner becomes overwhelmingly busy taking care of the other – to the point of self-neglect or burnout
• They pour everything into the relationship, obliterating their needs, boundaries, and eventually, their sense of self 
• They explain away, minimize, or enable their partner’s poor behaviors 
• They feel responsible for their partner’s moods and actions and try to rescue, fix, or control them or their problems
• They are so attached to the idea of making the relationship work that they’re willing to go to any lengths to get the attention and love they desperately seek
• Over time, their unhealthy relationship dependence takes a toll, pushing them into a crushing identity crisis 

Related Reading: 15 Indisputable Signs Of A Codependent Relationship

What does a codependent marriage look like?

So, what does codependency look like in a marriage? “If you think of marriage as a Venn diagram, then two circles that overlap in the middle represent a balanced relationship. The kind where two people in love retain a healthy sense of identity, self-worth, and partnership,” Gopa says, adding, “In a codependent marriage, the circles overlap to such an extent that they appear to be merged.”

Here, the partners’ sense of identity and self-worth get welded together. Since the relationship is all-give and all-take, there is also a notable imbalance in met needs. Unlike in healthy interdependent relationships, the emotional and physical needs of one partner completely dominate the relationship dynamics. This happens gradually in stages, with the codependent partner:

• Ignoring healthy boundaries/failing to set boundaries and becoming completely preoccupied with their SO
• Compromising their needs and altering their behavior more and more to keep their partner happy and sustain the relationship
• Feeling exhausted and trapped in the relationship as their partner starts to feel entitled to all their time and energy; their self-esteem hits rock bottom; and anxiety, anger, resentment, and stress shoot up

What causes codependency?

Codependency is a learned behavior whose roots can usually be traced to unmet physical and emotional needs in childhood as well as early life experiences. It primarily stems from:

• Parenting styles: Both overprotective and underprotective parenting can cause children to develop insecure attachments and signs of codependency. Overprotected children seek constant validation. They also never learn to make decisions or manage their emotions. All are traits of a codependent personality. Underprotected children tend to feel unsafe, unloved, and vulnerable due to the lack of a parental security net and emotional support. This leads them to develop codependency issues like fearing being alone or rejected, appeasing people who abuse them, or feeling uncomfortable confronting others 
• Codependent environments: Growing up around parents who share a codependent dynamic can cause a child to internalize poor behaviors at a young age and mirror them in adult romantic relationships. Researchers have also detected altered brain functioning in families of people with substance abuse problems and linked it with codependent tendencies 
• Trauma: Studies have connected childhood trauma, be it due to emotional neglect, sexual abuse, emotional or verbal abuse, or physical abuse, to higher levels of codependency. Here codependence develops as a mechanism to feel safe, gain control, or change negative feelings – though it rarely works 

Related Reading: Attachment Styles Psychology: How You Were Raised Affects Relationships

11 Warning Signs Of A Codependent Marriage

People often don’t realize they are slipping into a codependent pattern or struggle to come to terms with the “my partner is codependent” realization. That’s because it is easy to confuse the signs of codependency with ‘real’ or ‘unconditional’ love – at least initially. Much of this is thanks to popular culture, which has heavily romanticized the idea of “all-consuming” passion and “losing yourself” in love. 

Social constructs also make spotting and breaking codependency in marriage difficult. “It is hard to identify codependency in societies where wives and mothers are supposed to ‘take care’ of their families and suppress their personalities for the ‘good’ of the family,” Gopa explains,  “Due to social conditioning, a codependent wife may feel she needs to stay in her marriage, even in the face of abuse, as she considers it synonymous with her identity.” 

So, how do you know if your marriage is codependent? Or, if you have a codependent husband or wife? Here are 11 unmistakable signs:

1. There’s no difference between ‘we’ and ‘me’ in a codependent relationship

This is one of the stark signs of a codependent marriage: both spouses view each other as a single entity and act as one. Eventually, their lives become so intertwined that they don’t know how to exist or operate as individuals. 

How to tell if your relationship dynamics point to codependency? Ask yourself: 

• Do you spend time with your friends/family alone sometimes or is your partner always with you? 
• Are your likes, dislikes, hobbies, interests, moods, and world views tied to your partner’s?
• Is it hard for you to make decisions without them?
• Do you feel lost or anxious if you are apart? Do you then constantly check in on them?

If you can’t quite fathom who you are outside your marriage, consider it a red flag.

Related Reading: 5 Reasons Why Space In A Relationship Is Not An Ominous Sign

2. The responsibilities are skewed if your relationship is codependent

“How do I know if my partner is codependent?” If that’s what you’re asking, then look at how you both share responsibilities. In a codependent relationship, the burden of responsibilities falls squarely on one partner, who ends up:

• Taking care of every aspect of your shared life
• Making all the plans 
• Picking up all the slack, and
• Solving all the problems in the relationship as well as your individual lives  

Know that these are indicators of a relationship troubled by codependency. You may tell yourself that either you or they are “doing it all” out of love. However, all this is doing is enabling patterns and behaviors that do not make a healthy relationship or a healthy marriage.

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3. The guilt and blame are one-way

Codependency guilt is irrational. It’s also one-way. A codependent husband or wife will feel guilty or unnecessarily bad about things they haven’t done and can’t actually control or change. Or even things that are clearly their partner’s fault. So, when their partner gets a DUI, they somehow feel responsible for it. Or, they obsess over how they could have done something to prevent it. 

If their partner forgets to pick up the children from school, instead of holding them responsible, they beat themselves up for not reminding them. Their partners often use this tendency to escape all blame. Or, guilt them into getting what they want.

When one spouse feels responsible for everything that happens to the other or lets their partner make them feel that way, it points to a toxic codependent marriage.

Related Reading: Is Guilt-Tripping In Relationships A Form Of Abuse?

4. A codependent spouse covers up their partner’s poor behaviors

What does codependency look like? Sometimes, it looks like this:   

• When one spouse misbehaves after getting drunk at a party, the other covers or makes excuses for them
• If one partner loses a large chunk of money in gambling or commits some other form of financial infidelity, like running up credit card debt, the other digs into their savings to bail them out

In such relationships, one spouse compulsively shields the other from the consequences of their actions. At times, this comes at the cost of comprising their conscience or the law. And it stems from a fear of confronting, upsetting, disappointing, or losing their partner. 

If you are in a similar situation, remember, your partner is an adult who should know that their actions and decisions have consequences. “To break the pattern, you’ll have to allow your partner to clean up their messes, instead of trying to solve every problem for them,” advises Gopa.

5. One partner forgives and forgives

While forgiveness in relationships is important, it is taken to an extreme in a codependent dynamic. It also becomes the sole prerogative of just one partner. Codependents readily forgive every wrong, every mistake, every miss on their partner’s part without holding them accountable.

According to Gopa, this stems from a fear of abandonment and being alone. So, they keep absolving their partner of any wrongdoing in the hope that they will see the error of their ways or change. But unless they’re held accountable for their actions, why would they?

6. Self-change in a codependent marriage isn’t for the better 

We all evolve with time and no one can claim to be the same person they were 5, 10, or 20 years ago. But, in a toxic codependent marriage, this change isn’t for the better. Let’s understand how. 

If you analyze the anatomy of a codependent relationship, you will find one thing conspicuously missing – the word no. Codependents trade in self-esteem for validation. They feel compelled to say yes to everything their partner wants. They also spend so much time dancing to their partner’s moods and being emotionally codependent that they lose touch with their emotions.

Eventually, they wind up with low self-esteem. And their thoughts, opinions, feelings, and identity get buried so deep that they can’t reach them – even if they want to. Not saying no, letting someone dictate how you feel and act, apologizing for things you aren’t responsible for, ignoring self-care – these are all signs you are giving your power away and precursors to giving up parts of yourself. And no relationship is worth that.

Related Reading: Power Dynamics In Relationships – How To Keep It Healthy

7. There is a constant caretaker and perpetual victim

From afar, codependent couples may seem like they’re madly in love. But a closer look will show that one of them is doing most of the loving and caring. That partner usually serves as a caretaker/giver and the other takes on the role of the victim/taker in the relationship. What sets such couples apart is that: 

• Neither partner steps out of their role. There is no reciprocity or healthy give-and-take 
• There’s only a stark power imbalance where one person remains subservient to the other and sacrifices themselves and their well-being in the name of selfless love – to the point of exhaustion

It is also possible to have 2 codependents in a relationship. Though rare, such relationships are equally unsustainable since both partners:

• Feed each other’s negative patterns and enmeshment, and 
• Compete to sacrifice and compromise, but, to quote from Ayn Rand, “instead of general fulfillment, they end up with general frustration”

8. The giver feels lost without the ‘rescuer’ identity

Imagine this scenario. Your partner finally decides to give up alcohol or substance abuse and gets into rehab. Or, they begin working toward becoming a responsible partner who can share your burdens and offer you support. But instead of feeling hopeful and relieved by this turn of events, you feel lost and deprived. 

Caring for and rescuing a partner often becomes the central focus of a codependent person’s life. They feel lost if they can’t do that. So, it’s not uncommon for them to slip into depression or lash out when their partner decides to start making efforts to be better. They may even deliberately create chaos so that they can don the rescuer hat again. It’s also not unusual for an enabler to move on from the marriage to find someone else to ‘save’.

9. They fear being alone

Sharon (name changed) was 30 and dealing with mounting parental concerns over her unmarried status when she met Jared, who was already married. He convinced her to marry him. Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, Jared turned verbally and physically abusive toward her. Though Sharon recognized the abuse, she remained in denial. She felt responsible for her situation and felt she needed to ‘accept’ it out of fear of being alone.

“This is one of the classic codependency traits in relationships, where the person feels they cannot have an alternative existence than the one they are in,” says Gopa, “Instances of young people attempting suicide when their relationship breaks because they feel they cannot move ahead in life without it are also codependent behavior examples. In such situations, counseling becomes crucial to recognize the patterns of healthy and unhealthy relationships.”

For codependents, the fear of being alone is often debilitating. This can even lead them to settle for an unhealthy or toxic relationship and give their all to fix it and make it work. However, no relationship can be saved without first fixing patterns that are inherently flawed.

Related Reading: Will I Be Alone Forever? How It Feels And Ways To Get Over It

10. There are clear control issues and anxiety in a codependent relationship

Are codependents controlling? They can be. Codependency and control issues are often interlinked. The giver is driven to control everything – a learned behavior from growing up in dysfunctional or chaotic environments, which left them feeling out of control.

They are also overly anxious, even when things are going well. And, they are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop because that’s the pattern they’re accustomed to. The taker in a codependent relationship, meanwhile, is willing to give up all control initially but comes to resent it later.

11. Codependent spouses struggle to break away 

You know something is amiss in your relationship. The constant anxiety, anger, or resentment are too pervasive to be ignored. But you just cannot bring yourself to leave and make a fresh start. Perhaps because:

• The mere thought of breaking away fills you with guilt and shame 
• You’ve convinced yourself that your partner cannot survive without you. So, the thought of reclaiming your life becomes synonymous with ruining theirs, or 
• The idea that your partner’s well-being is your responsibility has become so deeply entrenched that breaking away from them on your own has become near-impossible

“This is the toughest aspect of codependent behavior in marriage as it may be true that someone may not be able to cope without their spouse. But, their spouse’s leaving may actually help the dysfunctional person to hit ‘rock bottom’ and seek the help they need. Nevertheless, codependent relationships can exact a huge toll on mental health, yours as well as that of your loved ones,” says Gopa. That’s why understanding codependency, especially the signs of a codependent marriage, and finding ways to fix it is crucial. 

How To Fix Codependent Behaviors In Marriage – 6 Expert-Backed Tips

Is codependency healthy in a marriage? Not really. Unless love flows both ways and equally in a relationship, it cannot be called wholesome. Nor can it be described as real. So, can codependent love be fixed? And can a marriage survive or overcome codependency? Yes, provided the signs and stages of codependency are spotted early and professional help or marriage advice is sought, according to this study. 

If you’re trying to understand how to avoid being codependent or how to become less dependent on your partner, Gopa has some advice on ditching unhealthy dependence, healing a codependent marriage, and forming healthy relationships:

1. Reclaim your identity

“Focusing on developing your own identity self-worth, self-image, and the concept of self is important to stop being codependent and put an end to codependent marriage problems,” says Gopa. To do so, you must:

• Carve out some ‘me’ time 
• Maintain your individual friendships, hobbies, and careers 
• Get out of your relationship comfort zone and become comfortable pursuing some independence

2. Focus on self-care

“The pattern of caretaking seen in codependents often gets established in childhood. Using the same skills to take care of yourself can help reduce stressors and rebuild your confidence and self-esteem,” says Gopa. To avoid being codependent and loving someone to exhaustion, try to: 

• Accept and be kinder to yourself
• Intentionally explore your core values and what you want from a relationship
• Make a habit of stating what you want and checking in with how you’re feeling regularly

3. Reframe what you’re responsible for and what you aren’t

According to Gopa, for healing a codependent unhappy marriage, it is vital to:

• Acknowledge that you are not responsible for your partner’s messes
• Stop thinking that only you can fix their problems
• Avoid making your loved ones depend on you to the point they can’t take care of themselves
• Understand that if a person is abusive, using substances, or cheating, they alone are responsible for their behavior
• Shake off the tendency to feel guilty or hide/cover up your situation from other family members 

4. Set boundaries

“Till they allow blurring of boundaries, codependents will continue to feel helpless and out of control in their relationships,” says Gopa. To fix codependency and protect yourself, you will have to learn to be assertive and set boundaries around your time, personal space, energy, finances, and the behaviors you will and will not tolerate. 

5. Break unhealthy patterns

Ending codependency in a marriage doesn’t mean ending the marriage, but shunning codependent patterns and replacing them with healthy ones. For fixing a codependent marriage, you may need to: 

• Ask why you’re agreeing to something and whether you have the time/energy for it instead of saying yes right away
• Ditch perfectionism and set realistic expectations about yourself, your partner, and the relationship
• Let your partner deal with their own problems 

6. Get help

Overcoming codependency is not easy and the road to recovery isn’t linear, swift, or easy. To resolve codependent marriage problems, you will need to develop coping strategies, break old patterns, and reframe negative thinking. That may require therapy. If you’re looking for help, there are experienced counselors on Bonobology’s panel who would be happy to assist you. Joining a support group, like Al-Anon or Alcoholics Anonymous, could also help you get an outside perspective and cope with codependency.

Key Pointers

• Codependency in marriage is marked by extreme focus or reliance on one’s spouse
• All the give and take, blame, guilt, and forgiveness in such a marriage is one-way
• The signs of codependence include one person losing their identity in the relationship, taking on all the responsibilities and the work of sustaining the relationship, and finding it difficult to end poor cycles of behavior or the relationship
• Codependency can be addressed by spotting the signs early and getting help
• To fix a codependent marriage, it is important to reclaim your identity, practice self-care, set boundaries, rethink responsibilities, break poor patterns, and seek help

According to Gopa, the process of healing a codependent marriage can only begin when you start rediscovering yourself and focusing on your own self and your needs. “Initially, learning how to combat codependency and successfully break old patterns may be difficult. That’s where seeking therapy can help you stay on track and remain mindful of the pitfalls ahead in making a codependent unhappy marriage work and forging a healthy relationship.”

This article was updated in September 2023.

FAQs

1. What is a codependent marriage?

It is a marriage marked by extreme preoccupation and dependence – social, emotional, as well as physical – on one’s spouse.

2. Is addiction the only cause of codependency?

While codependency was first identified in the context of addiction, it is common in other dysfunctional relationships.

3. What are the causes of codependency?

Childhood experiences are considered to be the root cause of codependent tendencies.

4. Are codependent and interdependent relationships the same?

No. Interdependent relationships are marked by healthy emotional dependence and mutual support whereas codependent relationships are emotionally draining and involve one-way support.

5. Is it possible to stop being codependent?

Yes. With the right guidance and consistent effort, codependent patterns can be broken.

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When you love her to the moon and back, it is natural to wonder if all her thoughts revolve around you too. But the signs of true love from a woman don’t always line up like the constellations. Studies have shown that when it comes to love, men fall fast and confess their feelings early, while women are slower and more deliberate. Often, when a woman loves a man, he tends to be completely oblivious to it…until she spells it out for him.

But what if she is waiting for you to pick up on the clues and make the first move? What if she tires of waiting and moves on, thinking you don’t feel the same way about her? That’s why it’s crucial to figure out how to know if a woman loves you truly.

We’re here to help you do just that, with a lowdown on the signs a woman loves you deeply. Read on to find out so you won’t be kicking yourself years later when you finally realize she really was into you and you missed your chance to find true love.

19 Signs Of True Love From A Woman – She’s The One 

How to tell if your feelings for a girl are reciprocated? Chances are, if she’s into you, she’ll let you know one way or the other. But modern love comes with its own questions and confusions. If she leaves you on “seen” in her DMs and replies a day later, does it mean there’s nothing there? And if she doesn’t text you on Instagram, but checks all your stories…well, what should you make of that?

Sometimes, it’s best not to overthink things. You don’t have to be from Mars and she doesn’t have to be from Venus. Some good observation and communication can put you both on the same planet. Or, perhaps under the same roof – if things go well. 

So what are the signs of true love from a girl? Or, signs she loves you deeply, but secretly? And what are the signs she wants a relationship with you? If you need help figuring this out, we’ve got a list. Remember not to turn these signs into expectations and complicate things. They will be there naturally if you’re both in love.

Related Reading: 6 Signs Of True Love: Learn What They Are

1. Her body language holds clues about her true feelings for you

Early body language signs of attraction, like sweaty palms, racing hearts, playing with hair, and giggling or smiling often, are easy to catch and impossible to fake. You won’t need a crash course in spotting these physical signs of love from a woman.  They will be evident in the way she behaves around you. Yes, even if you’re looking for signs of true love from a shy woman. Here’s what these signs look like:

• She tries to get closer to you. For instance, she leans into you often or puts her head on your shoulders 
• She blushes when you come closer
• She touches you often, like patting your arm when you talk
• She mirrors your gestures unconsciously, mimics your posture, or matches her steps with yours

These are clear psychological signs she likes you and loves to be around you. However, if she flits between flirty and distant and makes a habit of sending out mixed signals, don’t mistake her hot and cold behavior for real signs of true love. 

2. Her eyes speak volumes even if she hasn’t spelled her feelings out yet

Eye contact can be another good physical indicator if you’re looking for early signs of true love from a shy woman. Locking eyes with you for a split second here, a lingering look there. If you pay attention, you’ll be able to see if she’s interested in you just by the way she looks at you. 

So, stop raking your brains over questions like, “If she looks at me like she loves me, what does it mean?” If she has eyes for only you, it is one of the unconscious psychology signs a woman is in love.

For more expert-backed insights, please subscribe to our YouTube Channel.

3. She loves spending time with you

Wondering what are the signs of true love from a girl? Just think about how much time you two spend together and how compatible you are. If she’s into you, she’ll like just being with you. It won’t matter if all you both do is stay in, eating pizza and watching Netflix on rainy days and lazy nights. 

Also, if she likes you, she will make time for you and want to spend every free minute with you. She may even choose to ditch her friends to be with you. And she will find excuses to be with you. So when she asks you to come grocery shopping or help her with something, for the fifth time, in one week, know that she’s craving your company. And perhaps you. On the other hand, if she isn’t emotionally invested, she’ll only call or want to meet up when she’s got nothing better to do.

Related Reading: 50 Rainy Day Date Ideas To Feel Close To Each Other

4. When a woman loves a man, some jealousy is natural, too 

Excessive jealousy isn’t a good sign in any love relationship. After all, you wouldn’t want her to be mortally angry every time an unknown girl slides into your DMs. However, you won’t want her to be completely nonchalant either when you tell her you’re meeting your ex. So, some healthy jealousy can be a good sign indicating stirrings of real love. These subtle signs of jealousy don’t scream out trust issues, but indicate that she cares about having you in her life:

• When someone tries to flirt with you, she jumps in and breaks up the conversation
• Or, she complains your new hobby is taking up all your time – and eating into your time with her 

And what does it mean when a girl tries to make you jealous? It could mean she’s insecure or unsure of your feelings and wants to test how you feel about her.

5. Signs a woman is falling in love: She tells you what she likes about you 

Sometimes, identifying the signs a woman loves you is about taking notice of the things she says to you. Maybe read between the lines a little. Statements like these may be her way of indirectly telling you that she likes you:

• “I love it when you talk passionately about things you care about”
• “I like that you’re so nice to me”
• “I like it when you take care of yourself”

Combined with other indicators, these could be signs of true love from a woman or signs she secretly loves you but isn’t ready to ‘fess up just yet. 

6. How to tell if a girl loves you? She finds ways to show you she cares about you

Studies show that women are more confident than men in expressing their love, liking, and affection. So, when a girl is in love with you, she will show it, even without saying it, in the way she cares for you. This doesn’t mean she will mother or coddle you outright (nor should you want her to if you want a healthy relationship). But here are some things that can be read as signs of true love from a shy woman:  

• She wants to know and remember all the little things and small details about you: what you like, what you don’t, and all your newfangled interests and old
• She makes thoughtful gestures, like tweaking her schedule so you can leave work together, and she makes much of everything you do for her, too
• If something’s troubling you, she is the first person to spot it, won’t rest till she finds out all about it, and finds ways to soothe or coax a smile out of you

Though if she loves the attention, but not you, then:

• She will come only when she wants something 
• She will tell you all her troubles, but never be there for you

Related Reading: 15 Signs You Are Dating An Attention-Seeker – She Is Not Into You

7. She is kind and compassionate with you

When someone adores you, they may make warm and unexpected gestures to let you know you’re on their mind and in their heart. Sometimes, the signs she truly loves you will show in all the small things she does for you regularly like:

• Leaving love notes in your pocket that will make you smile
• Picking up your favorite cheesecake “just because” 
• Calling the airline to make sure they don’t serve you anything with peanuts cause you’re allergic 
• Making positive comments and compliments, though she may still tease you playfully now and then

She will also listen patiently when you have a grouse to share and make you feel understood and heard. If she already does all this, do you even need to ask: How to know she’s the one?    

8. She cares about your happiness as much as her own

Like physical signs of love from a woman, the signs she cares deeply about you or is developing feelings for you would be evident in the way she will try to make you happy and feel good about yourself. They will also be loud and clear in the way she makes you feel seen, heard, and valued. That means she will be curious about you.

She won’t brush off or ignore your feelings or concerns. And, when bad things happen, she won’t leave you to deal with them alone. At the same time, she won’t say things just to please. Nor will she hold back if she feels you’re doing something that won’t do you any good.

9. She wants to see you do better 

One of the signs she loves you deeply is that she will always have your best interests at heart. And she’ll make an actual effort to support your goals. If she sees you dissatisfied with where you are in life, she won’t just leave you to it. Instead, she’ll make sure you see that she cares enough about you to push you onward. 

If she tries to support you and reminds you of your purpose, take it as a sign. Try to make some effort on your own, too. If you don’t, she won’t stick around forever. Catching signs of true love from a woman will be the least of your problems then.

Related Reading: The 7 Fundamentals Of Support In A Relationship

10. She is more than your best friend 

Friendship forms the heart of all strong relationships, romantic ones included. In fact, researchers have found that most romantic partners start as friends. So, if you’ve fallen for your best friend, it’s natural to wonder: Is she falling for me? Does she have feelings for me, too? Does she love me back?  

How to know if she loves you and your friendship is turning into something more? Well, if a girl starts to like you more than as a friend: 

• She will make the effort to get to know you well enough to read your mind and your moods like a book
• She will make you a part of all the big and small moments in her life and make sure she’s there for yours 
• She will take a greater interest than usual in your personal life and all the people in it
• She will be fiercely protective of you and your connection
• She may feel nervous and act more emotional or different around you

11. If she confides in you, it can be a real sign of true love from a woman

A woman will only confide in you and tell you all her secrets if she trusts you deeply and values your opinion. And, if she is confident you won’t judge or belittle her. According to author and researcher Brene Brown, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love.” So, if she is comfortable telling you all about her life, fears, and goals without inhibition, take it as a good sign.

It doesn’t even have to be secrets she’s never told anyone before. If she can rant with you at the end of a long day, it’s one of the real signs of true love on her part. So, the next time she’s talking to you about something that has been bothering her, make sure she feels heard. Resist the urge to play swoop in and solve her problems unless she asks for help.

12. If she’s her true self around you, it can be a sign of affection from a woman

If you notice she is extremely comfortable with you and talks to you a lot. Or, she tells you she can be herself and she doesn’t need to think about what she has to say around you. Then, take these as signs she cares about you deeply and is trying to show you that.

Related Reading: 20 Tips To Get Close To A Girl And Win Her Heart

13. She tries to talk things through 

Sometimes, with a friend or an acquaintance, we let some things slide because we feel the argument that would follow will not be worth the effort. But when a woman thinks your relationship is worth working on: 

• She’ll tell you if, when, how, and why you – or the things you do – drive her mad 
• She won’t let problems fester
• She will be honest about her feelings and her expectations 

If she didn’t care about you, she wouldn’t put in the effort to talk things through and have deep conversations.

14. She’s not unreasonable with you 

Everyone gets irrationally angry from time to time. But if she values you, she’ll be the first to admit she’s being unreasonable, if that’s really the case. If you’re figuring out how to know if she loves you, take note of how she chooses to reconcile after a fight or two. If she’s making an effort to make things better between you two, it’s likely because she values what she has with you and doesn’t want to lose it. 

Take note: This only applies to when she’s actually being unreasonable, not just when you think she is. 

15. She is willing to make some sacrifices for you 

Research has shown that people are willing to make sacrifices for the sake of the relationships they are committed to. So, sometimes, the signs of true love from a woman are in the things she doesn’t do or gives up for you. Or, the times she puts your needs and interests above hers: 

• Like when she cancels long-standing plans with friends to comfort you over losing out on a promotion, or 
• When she goes to watch a play with you instead of watching the NBA playoffs like she wanted to

When coupled with other indicators, sacrifices can be signs she is madly in love with you. However, if she’s the only one making them, it won’t bode well for your relationship.

Related Reading: Sacrificing In A Relationship – When, What And How Much? 

16. How to know if a woman loves you truly? She holds you in respect

Mutual respect is often a good indicator of how healthy a bond is. So, if she respects you here’s what she will do:

• Give you the space to speak your mind and make your decisions without her feeling threatened
• Agree to disagree with you in an argument
• Honor your wishes and boundaries

And here’s what she won’t:

• Constantly criticize you or pan your decisions 
• Try to control what you think or say
• Put you down in private or in front of friends
• Treat you like an afterthought

17. True love signs from a girl: She doesn’t take you for granted

How to tell if a girl loves you? When a girl falls for someone, she will make it obvious they’re on top of her priority list. If her feelings for you run deep, 

• She will place high value on the things you say
• She won’t ignore your calls/messages 
• She won’t make plans and cancel them last minute 
• She won’t let you do all the heavy lifting in the relationship 
• She won’t keep you guessing about how she feels about you

Related Reading: 11 Painful Signs Your Partner Is Taking Your Relationship For Granted

18. She likes you just as you are

When we fall in love, we tend to see past each other’s flaws, quirks, and shortcomings, at least initially. But the best relationships are the ones where partners like each other for exactly who they are, including the good, the not-so-good, and the somewhat ugly parts. 

So, if she makes you feel accepted and loved completely, you don’t need to look up psychology signs a woman is in love. Rather, you can take them as signs she cares about you deeply and has a special place for you in her heart.

19. She sees a future with you

When she talks about a possible future with you, know that it’s one of the biggest signs of true love from a woman. It could be as subtle as a casual remark about traveling the world together someday, imagining how crazy getting a dog together would be, or hinting at living with you one day. The bottom line is, she won’t waste her time trying to draw future plans with someone she thinks is not worthy of her respect and adoration.

If she talks about doing things with you years and years from now, it is one of the signs she is madly in love with you. However, if all this is happening too fast, there’s nothing wrong with dialing things down and taking the time to know each other better.

How to know if a woman loves you truly? And how to know she’s the one for you? The answer to these questions depends largely on figuring out whether your feelings and the effort you make with someone are reciprocated. And accurately reading any signs and hints they drop. If you do spot the signs of true love, however, go ahead and start planning the wedding. We’re kidding. That would be premature. Plan the engagement first! For all you know, you may just have found “the one”.

This article was updated in September 2023.

FAQs

1. What are the signs of true love?

If she loves you truly, her words, actions, and gestures will make it obvious she cares about you and your well-being. She will also try to spend more time with you, be her real self with you, make an effort to nurture your relationship, and never take you for granted. She will also push you to be the best version of yourself.

2. What does true love feel like for a woman?

When real love stirs in a woman’s heart, she experiences an intense connection with you. She experiences true happiness when she is with you and places her trust in you. She may also feel a little jealous if something or someone else claims your time and attention.

3. How does a woman show her love?

A woman will show her love by showing how much she cares for you. She will be kind and respect you. She won’t take your relationship for granted. She will also be supportive of your dreams.

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Welcome to the captivating world of relationships — a dance of hearts and emotions where partners twirl and sway through the highs and lows of life together. To help you glide through this enchanting journey, we’ll unravel the top 10 causes of relationship problems, exploring the moments when the music falters and the magic loses its shine.

Communication missteps and the delicate balance of trust and intimacy can sway our hearts and give rise to relationship issues. In this article, Anushtha Mishra (M.Sc. in Counseling Psychology), who specializes in trauma, relationship issues, depression, anxiety, grief, and loneliness, explores the reasons for relationship problems and throws light on why some bonds flourish while others falter. Let’s delve into the intricacies of love to gain a deeper understanding of our relationship with our partner.

The Top 10 Causes Of Relationship Problems

Let’s explore some of the most common relationship problems and see how those aspects can affect even the strongest bonds. From communication issues to trust concerns and beyond, let’s look at the reasons why relationships fail and affect a couple’s long-term success.

1. Poor communication

In a romantic relationship, good communication serves as the foundation upon which trust, intimacy, and understanding are built. A relationship grows when partners communicate effectively. When communication falters, it opens the door to a myriad of relationship issues that can deeply impact the bond between partners. Some of the most common consequences of poor communication are misunderstandings and unrealistic expectations. When partners are not on the same page and struggle to express themselves clearly or fail to listen attentively, messages can get lost in translation, leading to confusion and frustration.

One of my friends, John, and his wife, Sarah, got along like a house on fire. But John and Sarah’s once-open communication faded as they both grew distant. Sarah was often caught up due to long work hours, and John would spend more time with his friends. When John planned a surprise dinner, Sarah’s undisclosed plans caused him to feel unappreciated, leading to an accusatory confrontation. Misunderstandings escalated, breeding resentment and eroding trust. This ultimately strained their emotional connection, preventing them from addressing underlying issues

Communication styles can differ. However, a lack of it can hamper a healthy relationship by creating a disconnect between partners. They may feel that their needs and emotions are not being acknowledged or valued. Communication issues are one of the most common reasons why relationships fail. To establish good communication, you can try to:

• Set aside dedicated ‘talk time’ for open discussions
• Embrace active listening by giving each other full attention without interruptions
• Avoid jumping to conclusions and seek clarifications when needed
• Incorporate humor in tough conversations to ease tension and foster a comfortable sharing environment

The longer a couple goes without trying to improve communication between them, the worse it is for a relationship.

2. Trust issues

Trust issues create a constant sense of doubt and suspicion. A 2020 study highlighted that a lack of trust significantly predicts issues within romantic relationships. The research emphasized the influence of trust deficits on the emergence of problems within these partnerships. When one or both partners struggle to trust each other, it can lead to insecurity, jealousy, and a lack of emotional intimacy. One partner may find it challenging to open up and be vulnerable, leaving the other feeling betrayed or abandoned.

Besides, trust issues in a long-term relationship can give rise to communication problems and negative emotions, as doubts and suspicions can cloud honest and open conversations. This is why they should be addressed immediately.

A couple who came to me for therapy had a strong bond until one of the partner’s past dishonesty about their spending came to light. When the other partner discovered hidden expenses, it led to feelings of betrayal. The subsequent arguments eroded their trust. The lack of transparency made them question other aspects of their relationship, making it difficult to rebuild the intimacy they once shared.

To deal with such trust issues and build a healthy relationship, you can:

• Openly discuss past experiences or traumas that may have contributed to trust issues
• Practice consistent and transparent communication to reassure each other and build reliability
• Engage in activities that foster trust, like mutual goal-setting and sharing responsibilities
• Address trust issues with empathy and patience for a secure and committed relationship

Related Reading: Trust Issues – 10 Signs You Find It Difficult To Trust Anyone

3. Lack of intimacy

A poor sex life or lack of sexual intimacy can lead to significant problems in a romantic relationship. It can create feelings of emotional distance and disconnection. When partners do not share affection, emotional support, or quality time together, it can lead to feelings of neglect and insecurity. The lack of physical intimacy in long-term relationships can also affect the partners’ sense of closeness and intimacy. Soon, the couple may begin to feel less desired or valued.

A coworker of mine, Megan, and her husband, Chris, had an affectionate relationship that grew strained after they both became engrossed in their careers. Their diminishing physical and emotional connection led to a lack of intimacy. The absence of closeness made them feel like roommates rather than partners, causing frustration and a growing emotional detachment.

To overcome such sexual problems, you can:

• Prioritize spending quality time together for bonding and emotional connection
• Communicate openly about feelings, desires, and relationship issues, creating a safe space for vulnerability
• Embrace physical affection and gestures of love, like hugs, kisses, and holding hands, to reinforce the emotional connection

4. Incompatible life goals

Incompatible life goals are one of the most common relationship problems, as partners may find themselves heading in different directions with conflicting aspirations and priorities. When individuals have vastly different visions for their future, it can lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, and a sense of being held back. Moreover, the lack of alignment in life goals and professional and social circles can hinder effective decision-making, as compromises become challenging to reach. Eventually, the couple begins to feel unfulfilled and unsatisfied.

A batchmate, Emily, envisioned a nomadic lifestyle, exploring the world, while her partner, Jack, aimed for stability and a settled family life. Their contrasting life goals became evident over time, causing tension and disagreements. The divergence in their aspirations made it challenging to envision a shared future, leading to doubts about long-term compatibility and ultimately straining their relationship

However, you can work on this by:

• Having open and honest discussions about your common interests, life goals, and aspirations
• Finding common ground where possible and evaluating the potential for compromise and mutual support
• Being willing to explore creative solutions for differences in life goals
• Seeking couples counseling for external guidance, if needed, to navigate challenges
• Learning to appreciate, respect, and celebrate your partner, if they’re advancing quickly
• Working together to find a way to move forward while respecting each other’s individual dreams and ambitions

A 2016 study underscores the significance of factoring in one’s partner’s life plans when making relationship decisions. This practice holds crucial implications for preventing marital dissolution, as indicated by the research.

5. Financial stress

Let’s start off with some stats on how financial stress affects a relationship. According to a survey done by the AICPA & CIMA in 2021:

• Close to 50% of American couples facing financial strain acknowledge its detrimental effect on their intimacy levels
• About 70% of married or cohabiting Americans have engaged in financial disagreements with their partners within the last year
• Financial ‘infidelity’ is a factor leading to the termination of 40% of relationships
• Parents with children at home encounter notably elevated instances of relationship challenges stemming from financial matters

Financial issues can strain a romantic relationship, leading to arguments, resentment, and a lack of trust. Money problems burden partners, affecting their emotional well-being and communication, and eroding intimacy and connection. Differing spending habits cause conflicts over spending and budgeting, hindering financial incompatibility and stability.

As Lisa and Mark, two of my friends, faced mounting financial pressures in their relationship, their communication about money dwindled. Disagreements on budgeting and spending choices escalated into frequent arguments, causing resentment. The strain of constant financial worry created a tense atmosphere, making it difficult for them to find common ground and undermining the emotional connection they once had.

To deal with relationship issues related to finances, you can:

• Openly discuss financial pressures and concerns to understand each other’s perspectives
• Set clear financial goals together and create a budget that aligns with both partners’ values and priorities
• Seek professional financial advice to overcome money challenges
• Be supportive and empathetic when you face money issues, remembering that you’re in this together

Related Reading: 5 Ways To Overcome Financial Stress In Relationships

6. Unresolved past issues

Unresolved past issues can resurface and impact the present dynamic of romantic relationships. Unaddressed emotional baggage from past experiences, such as previous relationships, childhood traumas, or unresolved conflicts, can lead to unrealistic expectations, insecurity, trust issues, physical abuse, substance abuse, and emotional distance. These unresolved problems may trigger mental health issues like defensive behaviors or emotional shutdowns, hindering open communication and vulnerability. A couple’s expectations also go for a toss if past issues persist.

Emma is a 23-year-old fashion designer who has been in a committed relationship with her fiance Liam for about 4 years now. Their relationship, however, suffered as they both brought unresolved past traumas into their dynamic. Their unaddressed emotional baggage led to triggers and misunderstandings. Attempts to discuss these issues often resulted in defensiveness and escalated tensions, preventing them from moving forward and deepening their emotional distance. They eventually called off the wedding to work on themselves.

To deal with this particular concern, try to:

• Create a safe space for open discussions about past experiences and feelings, without any judgment
• Practice active listening and offer each other support with understanding and empathy
• Consider seeking professional help, like couples therapy, to navigate through challenging issues and find healthy ways to heal and grow together

7. Jealousy and insecurity

Jealousy and insecurity are two of the most significant of the top 10 causes of relationship problems that breed feelings of mistrust and doubt. When one or both partners struggle with jealousy, it can lead to possessiveness, controlling behavior, and constant suspicion, which can ultimately affect the relationship’s trust and emotional connection. Insecurity and low self esteem can manifest in seeking constant reassurance, feeling unworthy of love, and being overly sensitive to perceived threats, creating a tense and unstable environment.

In such a case, try to:

• Communicate openly about feelings and concerns, reassuring each other of commitment and love
• Build confidence and trust in yourself and the relationship, fostering security and independence
• Address underlying insecurities and seek support, like individual therapy, to overcome jealousy and foster a healthier, more balanced romantic relationship

8. Lack of quality time

This is one of the top relationship problems couples encounter. Lack of quality time can make partners feel neglected, unimportant, or emotionally disconnected. When the demands of daily life take precedence over spending time together, it can erode the emotional bond and intimacy between partners, causing them to drift apart. An emotional connection is one of the deepest psychological needs in a relationship. The absence of meaningful interactions can also lead to misunderstandings and miscommunication, making it challenging to address relationship issues effectively.

Ryan is a high-achieving entrepreneur, and Sarah is the lead chef of a renowned restaurant. Due to their busy schedules, their relationship took a hit, leaving them with minimal quality time together. Their limited interactions led to emotional distance and a sense of neglect. Attempts to connect were often rushed or postponed, fueling frustration and resentment. The lack of meaningful moments strained their bond, making it hard to maintain a strong connection.

If you or anyone you know finds themselves going through this, it’s always a good idea to:

• Prioritize dedicated time for each other regularly to foster bonding and emotional connection
• Engage in activities that promote closeness and intimacy
• Put away distractions like phones and laptops during quality time, so that both can be fully present and attentive
• Express affection and appreciation openly to reaffirm the importance of the relationship and create a stronger emotional connection

9. Emotional neglect

Emotional neglect in romantic relationships leaves one or both partners feeling unheard, unimportant, and emotionally disconnected. When emotional needs are consistently unmet, it can lead to feelings of loneliness and resentment, along with a lack of intimacy, which can deeply impact their mental health. Partners may begin to withdraw or seek emotional fulfillment elsewhere, resulting in a breakdown of trust and emotional bonds. Moreover, unresolved emotional neglect can breed communication issues, as partners may struggle to express their feelings and needs, perpetuating a cycle of distance and dissatisfaction.

Emotional neglect can be overwhelming to deal with. Try the following to understand and deal with such a situation better:

• Openly communicate your emotional needs, feelings, and external pressures (if any), creating a safe space for vulnerability and empathy
• Practice active listening and show genuine interest in your partner’s emotions and experiences
• Be emotionally available and supportive, making a conscious effort to meet each other’s emotional needs and strengthen the emotional connection

Related Reading: Emotional Neglect In A Relationship – Meaning, Signs And Steps To Cope

10. Power struggles

They create a dynamic of competition and control, eroding trust and emotional intimacy. When partners constantly vie for dominance or seek to assert their authority, it can lead to resentment, communication breakdowns, and a sense of being unheard or undervalued. These are major relationship issues. This struggle for power can escalate conflicts, especially parental conflict, and hinder effective problem-solving. This can also make it challenging to find compromises and mutual understanding amid life obligations.

David and Emily met in their teens, and their once American dream love was now put to the test due to the constant battle for control in their relationship, leading to power struggles and resentment. Decisions, big or small, became battlegrounds rather than discussions. This constant friction eroded their sense of romance, creating an environment of competition rather than teamwork. The struggle for dominance hindered their ability to nurture a healthy emotional connection.

Power struggles can come naturally, especially during the child-rearing period. If this happens, it’s important to:

• Acknowledge the relationship as a partnership with equal value and contributions from both partners
• Practice open communication. Understand each other’s core values, perspectives, and needs, without dismissal or belittlement
• Embrace empathy and compromise, allowing for a balanced distribution of power and decision-making in the relationship

As per social psychologist Theresa E. DiDonato, an essential factor for a thriving long-term relationship involves consistently reevaluating the distribution of influence. In relationships characterized by well-being, the dynamics of power are bound to evolve over time, mirroring the growth and evolution of both individuals and their collective efforts in facing novel life obstacles.

So there you have it, the top 10 causes of relationship problems — the ultimate guide to why they fail and how to conquer such relationship misses like superheroes. Remember, love is a wild roller coaster ride, and it’s okay to hit a few bumps along the way. Embrace the adventure, communicate like pros, take care of each other’s overall well-being, wield empathy, and compromise like magic spells.

With this, you and your partner are ready to overcome challenges that come your way. So go ahead and let your love story soar to new heights of passion, understanding, and endless laughter! Together, you’ll create a tale of romance that’ll put fairytales to shame! If you’re looking for relationship advice or marriage counseling, don’t hesitate to reach out to Bonobology’s panel of licensed and experienced therapists for help. Together, you can make your relationship work.

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Not all husbands are the kind who would bring bouquets home, shower you with kisses while going to work, or nudge you aside when you are doing the dishes at the sink and take over the chores. Nope, not everyone gets that lucky. “My husband is not romantic” is a refrain of many wistful wives whose spouses don’t attach importance to romantic gestures.

And over time, the complaints often escalate to “My husband shows no interest in me” or “My husband is not thoughtful”. It’s either not part of their character or that your relationship is just progressing as every relationship usually does. Some men try to be a wee bit romantic when they are dating or are courting but when the wedding bells chime, they go back to being their non-expressive, nonchalant selves.

Putting up with a husband who is not affectionate can surely be distressing, no doubt about that. A husband not affectionate to you can even make you question whether you’re enough for him or not. That coupled with a sense of emotional unfulfillment can bring up concerns about the future of your marriage. However, it’s not an insurmountable challenge in a relationship and it is indeed something that can be carefully dealt with. We’re here to help you figure out how to live with an unaffectionate husband without it taking a toll on you, or your marriage.

Related Reading: 40 Romantic Things To Say To Your Husband

Why Do Husbands Stop Being Romantic?

The signs of an unromantic husband must not be confused with your spouse having emotionally checked out from the marriage. It can simply mean that he is not expressive enough. Men are certainly not that good at expressing themselves and communicating their feelings in most cases.

If he was a little romantic before the marriage, he was doing that with a lot of effort just to impress you. Post marriage, most men become unromantic because it puts them back into their comfort zones. They feel that now you are already married and you’re his partner for life, there is no need to try to do something that does not come naturally to him. In fact, he might just start taking you for granted. But what do you do when your husband shows no affection? Let’s find out…

15 Things To Do When Husband Is Not Affectionate Or Romantic

“My husband is not romantic, what should I do?”, is the question that has brought you here today and we are definitely happy to answer it for you. But know that it is not something that can happen overnight. You can’t suddenly make him go from not saying ‘goodnight’ to now bringing you a little bedtime ice cream before you two crash. You both have to do the work when there’s no romance in marriage.

Have you ever stopped to think that his love language could be totally different from yours, and he may be expressing his love and affection in his own way but all you end up seeing are the signs of an unromantic husband? So, the next time you’re bogged down by the distressing “my husband does nothing special for me” thought, try to focus on the special things you can do for your husband. Perhaps, you could also take the initiative if your husband is not affectionate or romantic.

1. Accept your husband as he is

What do you do when your husband shows no affection? Focus on finding total acceptance for who your spouse is as an individual. As we said earlier, some people are simply not romantic but that does not mean they are not good at heart or that they do not care for you. If you can accept this reality, then the thought that “my husband is not thoughtful” won’t bother you anymore.

Your husband might have other good qualities that make it worth being with him. Perhaps, he is the most patient man you’ve ever met or he is a peace-loving person, he could be a good conversationalist or your husband could be into books. Accept him the way he is and you will be able to love him more easily.

2. Appreciate your husband for who he is

How to deal with unromantic husband is all about positive reinforcement. Find ways to appreciate your husband and in turn, he’ll naturally do all the things that make you happy. Instead of saying, “My husband is not romantic or thoughtful”, you take the initiative when it comes to romantic gestures for husband. Focus on the good parts and start showing love in the ways you want to be loved.

There has been much research to find the relationship between appreciation, gratitude, marital commitment, and satisfaction. One piece of research shows that if you appreciate and express gratitude toward your partner, you are more likely to have a satisfying relationship. Interestingly, the study also found that gratitude can benefit your overall emotional and physical health and improve your social relationships, including marriage.

3. Don’t let social media influence you

Half of the reason you think, “My husband never surprises me” or “My husband never plans dates like other men” is because of all that you see on social media. Perhaps, you read a mushy birthday wish a friend has posted on Facebook for his wife or saw a romantic beachside photo of your bestie with her husband, and that led you to think, “My husband shows no interest in me.” Don’t let the filtered, airbrushed portrayal of different people’s relationships determine your expectations from your spouse.

Just know many of the couples who have those picture-perfect lives on social media end up getting divorced. Don’t get swayed by social media romance and judge your husband. That’s the harshest thing to do. Instead, focus on what your spouse brings to the marriage and be grateful for it.

4. Manage expectations before saying “My husband is not affectionate or romantic”

Think about why you feel your husband is not affectionate or feel the need to say such things. Is your idea of romance sculpted by watching Hollywood films and reading Mills & Boons? Then, you really need to alter your romantic ideas and manage relationship expectations realistically. What they show in the movies and write in the books are all ideal romantic situations and the characters of the men are drawn up to appeal to the fancy of women. Trust us.

Men in real life might not subscribe to that idea of romance. If he is getting you your regular medicines without fail, ensuring the fridge is always full and there is fuel in your car, then that could be the idea of romance to him and that might just be enough in the real world. He believes he is taking care of you and that should make you happy enough.

A reality check on what love and romance feel like in real life can go a long way in shaking off the “What if my relationship is practical but not romantic?” feeling. Once you do, you will be in a better place to appreciate the little things that he does for you.

Related Reading: 15 Easy Ways To Flirt With Your Husband

5. Lack of affection from husband? Give him some ideas

“He shows no affection in relationship and I feel the spark is fizzling out. What do I do?” Lana asked her sister Sophie. And she replied, “Why is being affectionate and romantic his job alone? There are two of you in this marriage, and the key to making it work is to supplement and support your partner wherever you feel they’re lacking.”

This advice could do you a world of good if you’re wondering how to deal with a partner who is not affectionate. Some men are at a loss about what works as romance and what they could do to make their wives happy. Take the lead in that case. Instead of complaining “why my husband is not romantic”, go out there and make sure that you make up for his side of the romance.

Tell him about a few romantic places you could explore for quality time or tell him about the red long dress you have been eyeing at the boutique. Book a place at a fine-dining restaurant and surprise him. Take the initiative and put him in a romantic situation. Watch his dimples as he smiles and sips that wine. Watch the glow of candles on his face.

6. Build intimacy

Renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel explains, “One can live without sex but one cannot live without touch. Children who were not touched warmly during childhood develop attachment disorders when they grow up. If you don’t touch your partner, except for sex, they might become irritable. Humor, touch, playfulness, cuddling, skin-to-skin contact, eye contact, and an ongoing curiosity about who your partner is as a person—these are the secrets behind commitment in a marriage.”

This makes perfect sense given that marriage is a lifetime commitment, and it, therefore, becomes even more vital to keep the relationship and commitment alive. Some ways this can be done include:

• Holding hands more frequently
• Scheduling time to spend with your partner
• Experimenting with being more emotionally vulnerable in intimate situations
• Cuddling and hugging each other often

7. Stop thinking about other’s marriages

That’s the worst thing you can do to your husband and it might just further drive him away from you. If you wistfully keep telling him Dina’s husband got her a diamond ring on their anniversary and Laila’s husband took her on a vacation to Europe on her birthday, it will push him further into a shell.

How to deal with a partner who is not affectionate? Try not to belittle him in comparison to other men. Men hate comparisons. Instead, do something constructive. You can make plans for a vacation! Figure out the ideal vacation spot for you and your spouse and involve him in the nitty-gritty and make sure that you make him feel that it could be a budget vacay but it matters to you. After you come back from the vacation don’t be surprised to see him making the plans for the next one.

Related Reading: 35 Questions To Ask Your Husband For A Heart-To-Heart Conversation

8. Know that everyone has different love languages

“My husband is distant and not affectionate in public, he won’t even hold my hand while we’re out. Is he ashamed of me somehow?” Well, if you look at it this way, his lack of affection is going to appear more and more irksome by the day. However, there is another perspective to this situation: maybe he is the kind who hates PDA on social media as well as IRL.

Guess you need to understand him as a person in that case then. Romance to him might mean great sex and not flowers and candles. Understand his feelings and emotions, and you won’t have a reason to worry over no affection in relationship. There are five primary love languages (which one is yours and which one is his?):

• Words of Appreciation
• Quality Time
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch
• Gifts

9. Communicate if your husband is distant and not affectionate

A Reddit user wrote, “You shouldn’t have to beg. Ever. You should say, “hubby, I’d really like it if you’d come to bed and cuddle me until I squeak” and then have that happen. He should want to do things that make you happy, just as much as you want to make him happy. Otherwise someone is getting neglected.”

Hence, you have to honestly, clearly and openly express your needs/desires. In fact, a study done to understand the relationship between marital satisfaction and good communication found that how well you and your partner talk to each other is one of the most important things for a happy marriage.

10. Bring the spark back with your unaffectionate husband

“My husband never surprises me” But, what if you surprise him? Bring back the mid-night ice cream outings or impromptu drives. Or anything equivalent that you both enjoy immensely. Here are some examples:

Related Reading: 12 Characteristics Of A Successful Marriage

• If midnight movies were your thing once, try doing that once a month
• If you enjoyed role-playing, surprise her with a sub dom variation of cosplay
• If you used to shop together, make it a Sunday ritual that you can’t miss

Not all your efforts may be well-received, but at least you’re putting in small efforts in a relationship, that make a big difference. If your partner, too, wants to reconnect, they will appreciate the effort and reciprocate. If you keep on wondering “Why my husband is not romantic?”, you must remind him of all that used to bring you together years ago. This will be eye-opening, for sure.

11. Stop criticizing

Maybe, he’s dealing with a nagging wife and you’re not ready to look at the flip side. You keep saying, “My husband does nothing special for me”. But are you stifling his independence by telling him:

• How long he can stay at the bar with his friends
• What trousers he should wear
• How he should deal with his boss
• What kind of a diet he should follow

When his independence and sense of confidence are being dented with all that nagging, there isn’t much scope left for romance. Have you ever thought that he could be thinking you are not thoughtful and rather unromantic too?

12. Have your own life

Instead of fixating on no romance relationship with your husband, build a romantic friendship with yourself first. If you do all these and more you will realize that you are thinking less that your husband is not affectionate or romantic:

• Do fun things with your girl gang
• Pick up a hobby
• Watch a movie
• Toss up a new dish

It is a fact that romancing your husband starts with romancing yourself. If you’re wrestling with no affection from husband, it’s time to look deeper and fill the void that you’re expecting others to fill. Of course, his love is a cherry on top but it can never replace the power of self-love.

13. Replace the ‘you’ with ‘us’

It’s easy to blame each other for the rut in the relationship. In fact, many people just resort to blame-shifting when they’re not able to figure out what is actually wrong with the relationship. It’s easy to say:

• “You work too much. That’s why there is no romance in marriage”
• “You spend more time with your friends”
• “You barely acknowledge me anymore”

Replace the ‘you’ with ‘us’. Instead of placing blame on each other, try talking about solutions. You are not there to figure out who is responsible for the distance that has crept into your relationship; doing so won’t serve any purpose. You are still with each other and working together to get yourselves out of the rut you are in. So, work toward it, not against each other. This is an important thing to remember for growing as a couple.

14. Treat your relationship like its brand new

Remember the attention you paid to your partner when you first started going out? Treat your relationship like that right now. Instead of sitting at home and complaining, “I have no romance relationship”, do something about it!

Set out to woo your partner again, flirt with him, seduce him, bring back the playfulness and banter. It might seem a little odd at first, but it might help. Bring that honeymoon phase back. Here are some ways to reconnect with your partner:

• Leave small sticky love notes on his phone/desk, saying “Thank you for being in my life”
• Give him a short call just to say, “Good morning. Have a great day ahead, Love”
• Flirt with him/say something like, “Working out again? No wonder you’ve got all that muscle”

15. Be creative in your marriage

If your husband is not romantic, try bringing in a sense of novelty. Instead of looking for new partners (which is why many marriages fail), start looking for new activities that you can enjoy as a married couple and spend some quality time together. Find different adventures to keep the spark going and the commitment alive; this will strengthen the personal commitment in your marriage. Some of them can include, but are not limited to:

Finally, relationship expert Pooja Priyamvada points out, “One must understand that, ultimately, marriage is about not only one but the two of you. Hence, having heart-to-heart communication about expectation management and what the general dos and don’ts need to be established and changed from time to time.”

Hence, if you have a perfect relationship but no passion, fixing it is not an easy task. But if you work on harnessing it, one day at a time, it is not too difficult either. If your husband is not romantic, don’t place him under a microscope and constantly express love, gratitude, and honesty toward him. Respect each other and give each other space to grow. If you find yourself struggling at any point, don’t shy away from seeking professional help. The counselors on Bonobology’s panel can help you with this.

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Navigating the labyrinthine world of modern dating is no easy feat. Swipes, texts, and first dates aplenty, and just when you think you’ve found a connection, you encounter the confounding phenomenon known as “breadcrumbing.” But then, what is breadcrumbing? It’s those intermittent messages, cryptic emojis, and lukewarm plans that leave you pondering if genuine interest exists or if you’re simply being strung along.

Welcome to the enigmatic world of breadcrumbing in dating, where the path is laden with confusion, frustration, and emotional rollercoasters.But what exactly is breadcrumbing, and why do people do it? Is it a harmless flirtation tactic, or does it hide more intricate motives beneath the surface? Moreover, how can you respond to it without losing your sanity or self-respect?

In this blog, we’re delving deep into the breadcrumbing psychology with insights from psychologist Nandita Rambhia (MSc, Psychology), who specializes in CBT, REBT, and couple’s counseling. We’ll unravel its elusive signs, decode the hidden intentions behind these tantalizing morsels of attention, and, most importantly, equip you with strategies to master this dating puzzle. So, if you’ve ever found yourself ensnared in a dating situation where breadcrumbs are the main course, get ready for a revealing journey to demystify this frustrating phenomenon!

What Is Breadcrumbing?

Breadcrumbing, a term coined in the digital age of dating, refers to a perplexing dating behavior that has become all too common in our swipe-right culture. At its core, breadcrumbing someone involves sporadic and minimal efforts to maintain someone’s interest without any real intention of pursuing a meaningful or committed relationship. It’s like leaving a trail of breadcrumbs in the forest, leading someone on a wild goose chase with no real destination in sight.

Nandita says, “This behavior often stems from a desire for attention and validation, the fear of commitment, or a need for an emotional safety net. Breadcrumbing provides a sense of control while keeping one foot out the door, ultimately impacting the emotions of the person on the receiving end.”

What is breadcrumbing in dating?

In the early stages of dating, breadcrumbing is characterized by vague promises, flirtatious texts that lead nowhere, or intermittent plans that never materialize. A study revealed that breadcrumbing had an impact on the breadcrumbie’s future relationships, emotional disturbance, self-concept, and signs of depression.

Related Reading: Freedom In Relationships – What It Means And What It Doesn’t

What is breadcrumbing in relationships?

When breadcrumbing occurs within an established relationship, it takes a different form. One partner may withdraw emotionally, offering sporadic affection or attention to keep the other partner hanging on. Another study showed that suffering breadcrumbing would significantly increase the likelihood of experiencing less satisfaction with life, and of having more feelings of loneliness and helplessness. As Nandita points out, “When you’re in a relationship with a breadcrumber, it usually doesn’t work out.”

In the next sections, we’ll delve into the signs of breadcrumbing and equip you with strategies to respond effectively. So, let’s unravel this dating mystery together!

How Do You Know If Someone Is Breadcrumbing You?

In the twisted world of modern dating and breadcrumb relationships, being able to spot the signs of breadcrumbing is like having a secret decoder ring. It empowers you to navigate the dating landscape with clarity and self-assurance, ensuring you don’t get caught in the emotional maze that breadcrumbing can create.

As Nandita says, “The most obvious sign of breadcrumbing is their unpredictable interest in you and their tendency to show mixed signals.” Recognizing breadcrumbing patterns is crucial because it allows you to make informed decisions about your dating or relationship prospects, saving you time, heartache, and unnecessary confusion.

Here are seven key signs that someone might be breadcrumbing you:

1. Inconsistent communication

Breadcrumbing someone often involves inconsistent and poor communication patterns. Your interest may receive a flurry of affectionate texts, phone calls, or social media likes and comments one day, only to be met with silence or minimal engagement the next. This inconsistency can leave you feeling like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster, never sure when or if you’ll hear from them again. The sporadic attention keeps you hanging on, hoping for more, and it can be emotionally draining.

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2. Vague plans

Breadcrumbers are notorious for offering vague or non-committal plans. They might express interest in seeing you again but avoid specifying when or where. It’s like they’re dangling the possibility of a future meet-up without ever committing to it. This ambiguity leaves you uncertain about their true intentions and can lead to frustration as you’re left waiting for something that may never materialize.

3. Mixed signals

Breadcrumbers excel at sending mixed signals. They can go from being incredibly affectionate and attentive one moment to distant and unresponsive the next. This inconsistency in their behavior can be emotionally confusing and destabilizing. You may find yourself questioning whether they genuinely like you or if you’re just a passing fancy.

Reated Reading: 7 Reasons Your Ex Is Hot And Cold – And How To Deal With It

4. No effort to meet

Despite all the digital interactions, breadcrumbing often lacks concrete efforts to meet in person. They might talk about how much they want to see you but never take the initiative to make plans. This perpetual state of virtual connection without real-world interaction can leave you feeling unsatisfied and disappointed.

5. Limited personal sharing

Breadcrumbers tend to keep conversations superficial. They avoid delving into deeper, more personal topics and may be hesitant to share their own feelings, experiences, or vulnerabilities. This can create a sense of distance and make it challenging to form a genuine emotional connection.

6. Excuses and avoidance

When it comes to commitment or taking things to the next level, breadcrumbers often have a knack for making excuses or avoiding the conversation altogether. They might come up with reasons for not being available or skillfully change the subject whenever the topic of commitment arises. This avoidance tactic keeps you in a perpetual state of uncertainty.

7. Stringing along

The ultimate breadcrumbing move is stringing you along. They offer just enough affection, attention, or promises of a future together to keep you emotionally invested, but they never actually commit to a real relationship. It’s a cycle of hope and disappointment that can be emotionally draining and damaging to your self-esteem. You might find yourself stuck in this loop, always yearning for more but never getting the commitment you deserve.

Related Reading: 6 Signs You Are Leading Someone On Unintentionally And What To Do

Why Do People Breadcrumb?

People often ask biased questions like “Why do guys breadcrumb” or “Why do women always resort to mixed signals”. But as we explore the tricky subject of breadcrumbing from a neutral POV, one question looms large: Why do people engage in this perplexing behavior? It’s a question that might make you ponder not only the actions of those breadcrumbing you but also your own dating or relationship experiences. What drives someone to dole out crumbs of affection and attention instead of pursuing genuine connections? It’s a reflection-worthy topic that reveals much about the complexities of modern relationships.

Now, let’s explore six compelling reasons why people breadcrumb and dive into the psychology behind each one:

1. Fear of commitment

For some individuals, breadcrumbing is rooted in a deep-seated fear of commitment. They may enjoy the initial excitement of dating and forming connections but become apprehensive when the relationship starts to feel more serious. This fear can stem from past relationship experiences or personal insecurities. Breadcrumbing allows them to enjoy the benefits of emotional connection without the full weight of commitment. It’s a way to maintain a sense of control over their emotions and the pace of the relationship, even if it leaves their partner feeling confused and unfulfilled.

2. Desire for attention

Breadcrumbing often appeals to those who crave constant attention and validation. These individuals thrive on the knowledge that someone is interested in them, and they bask in the ego boost that comes from having admirers. They may breadcrumb multiple people simultaneously to satisfy their need for attention, relishing in the feeling of being pursued without reciprocating those feelings. It’s a behavior that serves their ego but can be emotionally draining for those on the receiving end.

Related Reading: How Do You Set Emotional Boundaries In Relationships?

3. Avoiding confrontation

Some people breadcrumb as a way to sidestep difficult conversations and confrontations. Commitment talks or discussions about the future can be uncomfortable, and breadcrumbing allows them to keep these conversations at bay. By maintaining vague and non-committal interactions, they avoid having to define the relationship or make tough decisions. It provides them with a semblance of control over the relationship’s direction, even if it leaves their partner feeling frustrated and uncertain.

4. Juggling multiple options

In the era of online dating and a plethora of dating apps, many individuals find themselves juggling multiple romantic prospects simultaneously. Breadcrumbing can be a way to keep someone on the back burner while exploring other options. They enjoy the flexibility of having a safety net while they navigate the dating landscape. However, this approach can be emotionally hurtful for those who genuinely seek a committed and exclusive relationship.

Related Reading: 8 Common Fears In Relationships – Expert Tips To Overcome

5. Emotional safety net

For some, breadcrumbing serves as an emotional safety net to prevent feelings of loneliness or rejection. These individuals may not want a committed relationship but like having someone they can turn to for emotional support or companionship when needed. It provides them with a sense of security, even if it’s at the expense of their partner’s emotions and well-being.

6. Lack of self-awareness

In some cases, people breadcrumb without a clear understanding of their own intentions or the impact of their actions. They may not realize the emotional toll it takes on their partners. This lack of self-awareness can stem from a disconnect between their behavior and their true feelings or a lack of empathy. It’s important for individuals who engage in breadcrumbing to reflect on their actions and consider the emotions of those involved.

How To Respond To Breadcrumbing

Accepting that you have been served breadcrumbs for your romantic meal is a tough pill (or should I say crumb) to swallow, but it’s crucial to remember that you have the power to steer the course of your own romantic journey. In the face of inconsistent and uncertain behavior from someone you’re dating or are in a breadcrumb relationship with, your response can be a game-changer. It’s about safeguarding your emotional well-being, asserting your self-worth, and setting clear general and emotional boundaries to ensure that your needs and expectations are met.

How to respond to breadcrumbing? In accordance with insights from Nandita, here are a few ways:

• Communicate your expectations: Engage in open and honest communication. Share your feelings and expectations calmly but assertively. Express how their inconsistent behavior is affecting you and causing confusion. Encourage a genuine conversation about the direction of the relationship and what both of you want
• Set clear boundaries: Define your boundaries and make them known. Let the other person understand what you’re willing to tolerate and what’s off-limits. This can help establish mutual respect and prevent further breadcrumbing behavior
• Evaluate their response: Pay attention to how the other person responds to your communication. Are they receptive to your concerns, or do they dismiss them? Assess whether they’re willing to make an effort to address the issues and commit to a more genuine connection.
• Prioritize self-care: In the midst of dealing with breadcrumbing, prioritize self-care. Focus on activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Reconnect with hobbies, spend quality time with friends and family, and take care of your physical and emotional well-being. This self-nurturing boosts your confidence and reminds you of your intrinsic value beyond any relationship.
• Assess your compatibility: Reflect on whether the person’s breadcrumbing behavior aligns with your long-term goals and desires in a relationship. Consider whether their actions demonstrate a genuine commitment to your happiness and well-being. Assess if this is the type of relationship you truly want to invest in.
• Don’t settle for crumbs: Remember your worth and refuse to settle for breadcrumbs when you deserve the full meal. Be willing to walk away from a relationship or dating situation that consistently leaves you feeling undervalued and emotionally unfulfilled.
• Seek support: Lean on your support network. Share your experiences and feelings with friends or a therapist who can offer guidance and a fresh perspective. Sometimes, external insights can help you make informed decisions.
• Consider walking away: If the breadcrumbing behavior persists despite your efforts to communicate and set boundaries, seriously consider walking away. Your emotional well-being should always take precedence, and being in a situation where your needs are consistently unmet can be detrimental.

Related Reading: 12 Ways To Fix A Toxic Relationship

Remember that how you respond to breadcrumbing sends a powerful message about your self-worth and expectations in relationships. By addressing the issue assertively and prioritizing your own emotional health, you can either guide the relationship toward a healthier dynamic or make space for more fulfilling connections in your life.

“In case you too are looking for something casual and non-committed, communicate that too. Also bear in mind that, even a casual relationship with a breadcrumber requires a lot of time and energy, and that after everything, it may or may not lead to anything substantial”, warns Nandita.

In the perplexing world of modern dating, where casual relationships and hookups have become the norm, breadcrumbing stands out as a profound phenomenon that can leave you emotionally drained and questioning your worth. It’s those intermittent messages, cryptic emojis, and lukewarm plans that often lead to confusion, frustration, and emotional rollercoasters.

Remember that you are worthy of a relationship that respects your emotions, values your time, and reciprocates your efforts. Whether you choose to confront breadcrumbing head-on or gracefully step away, your response should always prioritize your emotional health and self-respect.

This article was updated in Sept, 2023

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