Category: Humor

Washington – Capitol Police confirmed today that U.S. Representative and intellectually/mentally challenged Georgia politician Marjorie Taylor Greene did in fact join the rioters at the Capitol on January 6th. The congresswoman ordered the Oath Keepers, who had a drone outfitted with a special “space laser” imported from Israel, to fire on the target in the middle of the riot.

The operator of the drone, however, insisted she said “Gazpacho Police” and so guided the drone to a Spanish Restaurant located a few blocks away from the Capitol building.

Thinking the Capitol Police were inside the restaurant the drone operator fired several bursts from the space laser, but they were ineffective.

Later it was revealed that the Israeli Air Force, who received the order for the Jewish Space Laser from Greene, sent her a harmless battery operated flashlight, thinking (correctly) that she had lost her mind.

Several news sources report on the new Indonesia ‘No Sex outside Marriage’ law. Basically no Adultery by married people.

Imagine if England had such a law – half of Parliament in Jail – and the House of Lords decimated.

But not to worry if you visit Indonesia. It won’t apply to Tourists.

And being a Muslim nation – Wives will go to jail and the Married men will get a slap on the wrist.

You would not think Adultery would be so widespread in Muslim countries – as to need Legislation forbidding it.

By Law, the wife has to give sex to the husband when he wants it.

But Muslim men – like other Men – apparently like Variety.

Possibly seeing the same breasts for 20 – 30 years gets depressing.

INVERNESS, Scotland – (Satire News) – Well the UK has made world-wide news again, and this time it is not about the schilling devaluation, Brexit, the prime minister, the rugby improprieties, Piers Morgan, knock-off Scottish kilts, the Crumpets Scandal, the Stella Artois Beer shortage, or the lack of spirit on the Manchester United Red Devils soccer team.

According to London Dispatch-Messenger writer Conrad Bloomin, the latest news from the UK is that the very popular Scottish adult website eBeaver.sex has just been purchased by the government of China.

Bloomin stated that eBeaver.sex is currently based in a building located on Culcabock Road next to a McDonalds.

eBeaver.sex owner, Delina Fizzwater, 34, told the Dispatch-Messenger reporter that just in the last 30 days, the site’s membership has gone from 1.8 million to 4.9 million, with 800,000 of the new members being citizens of Sweden.

Four-year-old Noah is still scared of the concept of Santa Claus. Although, as always Noah has been a good boy, he still doesn’t like the concept of a man he has never met giving him a present for no reason.

‘It just seems a bit silly to me’ Noah said. Noah believes that the beloved cartoon The Snowman is a documentary.

Noah’s Dad Gary said ‘Noah doesn’t like sad things, so we just told him that the Snowman hasn’t melted, he left his scarf for the boy and has gone off to have other adventures.

Although Noah has a bit of a problem with the concept of Santa, Christmas’s other best-known old-age pensioner Cliff Richard holds no fear for Noah.

‘Honestly, I love Noah, but he is a bit odd. I tell you we expect to see Santa, but if Cliff Richard turned up in my living room singing Mistletoe and Wine I would have to ask him to leave, and no mistake’.

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Ticketmaster, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Ticketmaster owner being investigated by the Justice Department, faces widespread criticism from Taylor Swift fans

I’d pay money and fees to watch them break up Ticketmaster Live Nation!

Hate speech is growing on Twitter

And, that’s just Musk yelling at his lawyers for letting him buy the f%*king thing!

$1M in pot washes up on beach

Now, that’s my kinda seaweed.

James Woods wants to sue the DNC because he couldn’t post a Hunter Biden dick pic

…Which is ironic, ‘cause every pic of James Woods is a dick pic.

Brittney Griner arrives in the US after being released from Russian custody in prisoner trade

Word is the Griner prisoner exchange took so long because Biden wanted to throw in Russell Westbrook.

Senator Kyrsten Sinema leaves Democratic Party, registers as independent

In fairness, Kyrsten Sinema, the first openly bisexual member in congress, is a politician who admits to screwing everybody.

Gummy bear maker rewarded a man who found the company’s lost $4.8 million check with candy

Could’ve been worse they could’ve paid him in Crypto…

Florida’s ‘don’t say gay’ bill author indicted for money laundering

Welp, now he has the right to remain silent on lots of topics.

Kimberly Guilfoyle said she loves doing the laundry and making Donald Trump Jr. his coffee in the morning

… While he enjoys snorting coke off her ass.

Former Dodger MVP Corey Bellinger signs with the Cubs

Given those swings and misses, the Windy City just got windier.

Rev. Warnock wins Georgia run-off against Herschel Walker

After today, Herschel can go back to his usual type of run off … where he runs off from paying child support.

Emily Ratajkowski & Pete Davidson proved those rumors are true with this major relationship step

She hosting SNL?

Happy 39th Birthday, Aaron Rodgers

When asked about it, he stomped his front leg 39 times.

Trump, Kanye joined by Holocaust denier Nick Fuentes at Mar-a-Lago

… Trump’s gone from hosting Celebrity Apprentice to The Amazing Racist: Mar-a-Lago! …

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of — winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney’s, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that’s been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul’s time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul’s “Ripping the Headlines Today” columns here.)

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It’s now default behavior for MAGA Republicans: Denying democracy, having temper tantrums and claiming election fraud.

Habitual election denier and Arizona gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake is yet again claiming election fraud, this time filing a 70-page lawsuit that calls for “an order setting aside the certified result of the 2022 election and declaring that Kari Lake is the winner.” The thing is, even before voting began, Lake refused to say she would accept the results of the gubernatorial election unless she won. Taking a page right out of the Trump playbook, she described the race as “botched,” before it was even called.

Let’s see now, Kari Lake lost the election by 17,000 votes, and a full 100% of the votes have been counted. So, she’s filing a lawsuit on what grounds again? Hurt feelings? Minorities got to vote too? Bigfoot voted? I mean, the election has already been certified. That means, the only thing really left to be “certified” in Arizona, is Kari Lake herself. Preferably, by a mental health professional. Of course, there is no point for Democrats to try and “counter-sue.” Not when she’s got such an iron-clad “insanity defense” going. 

Naturally, MAGA Republicans are gonna argue Lake is not really asking for much. Only to have the judge “throw out the entire election results, and declare her the winner.” Now, not to be critical, but I can’t help but think that “Kari,” may actually be short for “Karen,” and Lake is taking a page right out of the new MAGA best-seller, “Narcissism for Dummies.” Speaking of frivolous lawsuits, it seems like just yesterday when Republicans were bashing all the “frivolous lawsuits.” Of course, those were filed against their pals in corporate America, so there’s that.

Anyway, if poor Kari Lake really has her heart set on suing someone over the election, I suggest she sue the “voters of Arizona.” After all, they’re the reason she lost the election. So – I guess its off to “Sarah Palinland” for you Kari. Besides, look at the plus side. You now can whine, play the victim, and raise a shitload of money off all the rubes. And we all know that’s what being a MAGA leader is really all about…now isn’t it?

Johnny Robish is an actor, comedian and political satirist – who is considered one of America’s most trusted sources for fake news.

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A large part of programming is about communicating intent. The code you write needs to communicate your intent for what the code is supposed to do, both to the computer itself but also to all of the humans which come after you. So much of what we mean when we talk about code style and “clear names” is really about making your intent comprehensible to anyone else who looks at the code.

When the intent of the code isn’t clear, we often rely on comments to describe that intent.

Which brings us to this comment that Noreen found.