Category: Humor

Maurice McSporrin has been dusting down his bagpipes and preparing himself for the one time he plays it at New Year.

The bagpipe, with its slight hole in the bellows, and a chanter that doesn’t always work properly has been in Maurice’s family for 99 years and has been played at family gatherings by his great-great-grandfather, great-grandfather, grandfather and father, however, they could play it better than Maurice can, who has neglected his practice since last year.

‘My ancestors saw the bagpipes as a musical instrument and liked people. I saw it as a weapon for keeping people away’ said Maurice.

Maurice’s neighbours Gary and Lorraine Johnson said ‘I love Christmas, but since Maurice moved in, there is always the sound of impending doom coming from Maurice’s place’.

We told Gary what the sound was ‘Bagpipes? Bagpipes you say. I always thought he was a slightly strange bloke, and that explains it all.’

BUCKINGHAM PALACE – (Satire News) – UK writer Reggie Rickenracker with The True Dat News Agency broke the story about the queen’s alleged drug addiction.

Rickenracker got the story from King Charles III, who told him that he does not know for certain, but the rumor floating around Buck House is that QE was taking medicinal crack to deal with pain from having fallen off her fox hunting horse “Buffy.”

Charles said that his mother had seen over 12 pain specialists about her pain, which she said felt as if two huge rugby players were standing on her tummy.

Meanwhile the queen’s BFF, Piers Morgan is insisting that Lizzy (the queen) was not taking crack and added that the strongest thing he ever saw her take was half a teaspoon of hot sauce which she put on an asparagus crumpet.

BILLINGSGATE POST: This morning, President Biden named Sergeant Ernie Bilko to replace Janet Yellon as Secretary of Treasury. When asked why Yellon was given the hook, the President smiled while speaking out of the other side of his mouth: “I wanted to appoint someone I could trust to skim off money for me and Hunter.”

Bilko, who studied Finance under Lieutenant Milo Minderbinder, said that, “I look forward to turning both my and the President’s economy around.”

It was Minderbinder, a fictional character in Joseph Heller’s novel, Catch-22, who inspired Sgt. Bilko to become a master of scam operations. Milo made his mark by buying eggs in Sicily for seven cents each, then selling them in Malta for five cents, and somehow, still making a profit.

He explains: “I don’t make the profit. The syndicate makes the profit. And everyone has a share.”

Minderbinder also made money by selling operational secrets to the Germans so that they could bomb his own Command; something that Hunter might be interested in.

Sergeant Bilko will be bringing his assistant, Private Doberman, with him to the Treasury, saying that he looks a lot like Janet Yellon, but is more trustworthy.

Dr. Slim: “Possibly, this is the best move yet to bring our country out of the recession.”

Dirty: “Yo, Doctor Dude. I’m heading to the bank now to draw out my money.”

LONDON – (Satire World) – The World of Soccer Magazine writer Fifi Tripoli, is proud to announce that one of the most famous stadiums in the world will be getting a huge, much-needed upgrade improvement.

Wembley Stadium, which is almost as popular as New York City’s Yankee Stadium, will see construction on an additional 7,603 seats, new, state-of-the-art goal netting, and brand new laminated penalty cards.

Stadium chief groundskeeper Reginal F. Regency, 78, notes that the cost will be passed on to the British taxpayers.

One London native identified as Otto F. Nutterberger, angrily said, “Bloody fuck no mate, I duzzn’t even like the bloomin’ short shorts sissy sport – I’m a rough and tumble rugby bloke, meself, I am true dat, innit!”

Norfolk’s most famous DJ, Alan Partridge is said to be sick of the constant comparisons he faces to lovable TV personality Richard Madeley.

‘It is a bit irritating, to say the least’ said Alan. ‘If it was because of the fact that we are both popular with the opposite sex, with popular appeal across the board, then I wouldn’t mind so much. However, people are always seeming to compare him unfavourably to me, which isn’t great. Aha’.

He went on ‘It would appear that some people think that our Richard is a figure of fun, to be ridiculed for his opinions and ways of talking to people. However, it is just a similar style of television presentation that the snowflakes just need to get used to.’

One of these men is fictional. Sadly, for anyone watching him on Good Morning Britain, the other one isn’t.

ROULETTE WHEEL, Nevada – (Satire News) – Alpha Beta News Agency reporter Mimosa Sabrosa says that a dental hygienist who lives in the small town of Roulette Wheel has the biggest tits on both sides of the Mississippi.

The woman identified as Daytona Anadarko, 37, says that her gigantic boobs are not the result of breast implants. She giggled as she said that they are as natural as Trump’s orange complexion.

“Titsy” as Miss Anardarko is known, says that when she was in elementary school, she had the biggest tits in the entire school, including every one of the 43 female teachers, the 5 members of the school administrative staff, and every female cook in the cafeteria.

Daytona said that her mom bought her, her very first training bra at the tender age of 3.

Day Day, as her gynecologist calls her said that her knockers are so huge that she could easily nurse a whole village of Maasai African villagers (if she had too).

Although it is less than two weeks until Christmas, Terry’s Chocolate Orange Michael Gove is still on the shelf. He has not even gone for free in one of the shop’s buy four for the price of three offers.

‘It is not great’ said Michael, forlornly. ‘I would like to go to a family house, with a young child, and a grandparent or two, but instead, I am left on the shelf. Still, there is always tomorrow, and if not tomorrow, then there is the day after it’.

Box of Twiglets Teresa May said ‘I am here as well, and if as a box of Twiglets you are not sold at Christmas, what hope is there for you throughout the rest of the year?’

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

The Slobovian Secret Service (SSS) has uncovered a letter to Santa from Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Slobovian Secret Service agents Redd Hotte and One Hotte Messe have laid their hands on Russian President Vladimir Putin’s personal letter to Santa Claus. The agents were in Russian on a covert operation to investigate a rumor that Putin was planning to slip a crack unit of snipers and saboteurs into The Ukraine disguised as Santa’s elves.

During their investigation, the agents were uncovered by Russian General Volfgang Krudski. In the ensuing firefight, the agents were able to overcome the General and his six-man hit squad using Molotov cocktails made of vodka. It was on the dead general’s person that they discovered Mr. Putin’s
letter to Santa.

The letter was addressed to “Comrade Santa Clauski” at the North Pole, Russia, and read:

Dear Comrade Santa Clauski,

I been good little Babooshki this year… only start one war. I leave you plate of cookies and Vodka. I want lotta stuff:

• I want you nuke Ukraine.
• I Want you nuke Zelenskyy and bring me his good-looking wife.
• I want you nuke Biden so my best bud Trump can be President to United States.
• I want you bring me whole new Russian army… one I got full of pussies from Siberian Bandstand. I want army like Comrade Stalin had.
• I want lots of new bang bang drones, new missiles and rockets and lots of bullets and Vodka.
• I want Starbucks come back. Russian coffee taste like shittski.

Bring me all that, I pay you when I get big check from North Korea.

Merry Christmaski,
Littkle Vlady

SNN Words To Live By

“No woman is worth crawling on the earth.” — The Four Seasons, “Walk Like a Man,” 1963 song.

“Shoopshoop, Shangalang and Jiggybop.” — Larry Chance and the Earls, “Remember,” 1961 song.

“Dooby, Dooby, Doo.” — Frank Sinatra, “Stranger in the Night,” 1966 song.

Ted holland attended college for four years. The year that he bothered to go to class he studied history. He majored in throwing quarters in the jukebox in the Student Union canteen and minored in a girl named Marsha. His books include This Day In African American Musicand B Western Actors Encyclopedia.

Latest posts by Ted Holland (see all)

MOSCOW, Russia – (Satire News) – The Kremlin Voice reports that an extremely furious President Vladimir Nikita Putin has vowed on his maternal grandmother’s walker, that he will soon fire one of his state-of-the-art missiles at Paris, France.

According to the KV, Vlady is upset that the French government will no longer send Russia, wine, croissants, and French fries.

The missile is the Yarsonovich Y-7, which is 41 times more powerful than the atomic bomb that destroyed Hiroshima, and it could turn the Black Sea into a desert in .7 seconds.

Missile experts state that the Y-7 has a range of 7,937, which they reveal could easily hit Iowa and turn it into America’s biggest parking lot.

SACRAMENTO, California – (Satire News) – The California State Chamber of Commerce has put out a memo warning any potential GOP members to stay the hell out of their highly liberal state.

Scuttlebutt Review writer April Jiggle reports that CSCC spokesperson Issac Brickmix, says that in the interest of safety, Republicans who were planning on visiting California should instead visit “Red” states like Iowa, Mississippi, or North Dakota.

Meanwhile Republican National Committee chairwoman Ronna McDaniel told GOPicky Magazine that she will personally be visiting Dem stronghold San Francisco, and she will be wearing her red Donald Trump sweatshirt and her red tight-fitting MAGA short shorts (sorry folks, we cannot UNSEE that horrendous sight).

Meanwhile here are some late breaking FIFA World Soccer Cup scores, 2-1, 3-0, 1-1, and 2-0.