Category: Humor

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the oldest known narrative carving, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

10,000-year-old carving of man holding his genitals is oldest known narrative carving

… He is also the first known Pubist.

Elon Musk left ‘withering’ by heavy boos at Dave Chappelle show

Sounds like Elon crashed on stage like a Tesla on autopilot.

Salmon caught near Seattle are full of cocaine and antidepressants

… And why restaurants price them by the gram …

Biden celebrates ‘Wright Brothers Day,’ American air travel innovators

No word if he forgave them for losing his luggage on one of those early flights.

Apple exec fired after being caught on video joking about ‘fondling big-breasted women’

Look for him to try and get a job at Oogle.

Nerve-deadening devices impress EU heart doctors’

Thank goodness we have a new antidote for people watching the new Avatar.

Former FTX CEO Sam Bankman-Fried has been arrested in the Bahamas to send to U.S

This might take a while if he’s paying his bills in Crypto …

Diddy reveals he secretly welcomed baby no. 7

In response, Nick Cannon called him ‘a slacker.’

CNN cancels ‘Stanley Tucci: Searching For Italy’ as part of originals pullback

Old episodes will now be known as ‘Remembrance of Things Pasta.’

Jlo has purse with her name printed on it

She had it made special for the love of her life … herself.

McDonald’s is bringing back this fan-favorite breakfast item

And, nothing says ‘Happy Hanukah’ like a Sausage, Egg and Cheese Breakfast Bagel.

Skip Bayless and Shannon Sharpe Quarrel for real on ‘Undisputed,’ and it’s intense

Shannon Sharpe looked like he was about to hand Skip Baylis his glasses, so Baylis could see who he was messing with!

Happy 97th birthday Dick Van Dyke

And, a reminder, Ric Santorum is so homophobic he refuses to watch Mary Poppins because it stars Dick Van Dyke.

Ivanka Trump & Jared Kushner ditched their usual pda & reportedly acted ‘cold’ towards each other during recent public outing

… So, maybe they are a real married couple.

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of — winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney’s, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that’s been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul’s time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul’s “Ripping the Headlines Today” columns here.)

Latest posts by Paul Lander (see all)

Wherein Kevin McCarthy, Sarah Palin, Bernie Sanders and Mike Pence recite “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” together on our talk radio show.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guests today are the new Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy, former Governor Sarah Palin, Senator Bernie Sanders and former Vice President Mike Pence. They will be reciting ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.

MIKE PENCE

God bless you.

JERRY

Sit down you fool.

PENCE

Is this the 700 Club? I pray, I pray, I pray.

JERRY

This is the The Twilight Zone and you just met the devil.

PENCE

(worried)

Satan?

SARAH PALIN

Jerry Duncan, you punked me! I thought this was Dancing with the Stars.

BERNIE SANDERS

Who cares? All I know is I’m hungry and someone needs to get me a corn beef on rye.

PALIN

One of us could be Satan.

SANDERS

Satan, shmatan. Get me a sandwich already.

Sanders gets out of his chair and walks over to Jerry’s desk where there is a cell phone. He picks it up and dials.

SANDERS

Hello. Is this Brooklyn Deli?

Jerry grabs a mallet from under his desk and hits Sanders over the head Three Stooges style.

SANDERS

Ouch!

JERRY

There. You want something to eat…eat my shorts.

SANDERS

(wobbles) I’m seeing stars.

PALIN

See, I knew this was Dancing With The Stars.

JERRY

Kevin McCarthy. The man with no moral compass.

KEVIN MCCARTHY

You rang?

JERRY

You can’t stop sucking up to Trump, because you’re scared he may get you removed as House Speaker.

MCCARTHY

Donald Trump is a big asset to the Republican party.

JERRY

You mean ass.

JERRY

The reason you are all here is to recite ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas. Okay, let’s start. Kevin, you first. Then Sarah, Mike, and Bernie.

MCCARTHY

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the House, the Republicans were stirring, it even scared the mouse, The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, And St. Nick filled them with coal then disappeared in thin air.

SANDERS

How could he disappear in thin air? We’re talking the size of Moby Dick.

PALIN

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, Not my boy Track, he hit his dad over the head.

PENCE

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter, Trump had sent over a prostitute that chilled me to the bone, But the good Lord intervened and turned her into stone.

SANDERS

I, too, heard the noise and peaked out my window, it was St. Nick, And watching that fat man stuck in my neighbor’s chimney made me sick.

MCCARTHY

And he shouted to his reindeer and called them by name: Rudy Giuliani, Mark Meadows, Donald Trump, and Matt Gaetz, You sore losers tried to overthrow the government of the United States.

PALIN

St. Nick was dressed in all fur, from his head to his foot, And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot. Ya know. Maybe he should ring the doorbell? It’s much easier.

SANDERS

Sarah Palin is nuts. She called for an uprising against David Letterman.

PALIN

You betcha. I’m going to take out my  trusty rifle and blow a hole in Dave’s pants.

SANDERS

(continues reading) So St. Nick sprang to his sleigh and drove out of sight, Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night. Now can I sing I Have A Little Dreidel?

JERRY

Kevin McCarthy, Mike Pence, Sarah Palin, and Bernie Sanders. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.

Latest posts by Dean Kaner (see all)

If you understand booleans in C, then you know that you don’t really understand booleans in C. That’s the case with Bodo‘s co-worker, anyway. They either don’t understand booleans, or they don’t understand their business requirements.

switch (getBool()) {
case false:
  
  break;
case true:
  
  break;
default:
  break;
}

Now, at first glance, this looks like a really badly written if. getBool returns a boolean value, and then we switch on that value. A boolean can only have two values… right?

Well, in C, the bool type is just a wrapper around an integer- usually a byte– with a few helper macros. Whether you’re using stdbool (available since C99), or some homebrew version is a bit of a mess, but the important thing is that bools may hold any integer.

Now, all that said, it’s still definitely a code smell to see this swifch, it’s just not quite as dumb as it looks. In fact, it’s dumber.

This code exists in a safety critical industrial system. And that system has a rule: any unexpected values means the system should perform a full stop immediately. After all, if things are at the point where a function which returns either a 0 or a 1 starts returning something else, you can’t trust the program anymore. Stop and wait for an operator to recover it.

So that default, arguably, should be there. It should also do something.

Yes, really. There are people who actually believe in flat Earth. Despite overwhelming scientific proof, flat-earthers are out there spreading their stupid ideas. Some have even gone so far as to create an official organization known as The Flat Earth Society. The internet is unmatched when it comes to making fun of absurd ideas, so here’s a list of the best examples.

This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.

Memes, social media, hate-speech, and pornography are not allowed.

Screenshots of Reddit are expressly forbidden, as are TikTok videos.

Comics may only be posted on Wednesdays and Sundays.

Rule-breaking posts may result in bans.

Please also be wary of spam.