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Category: Humor

Humor | ReportWire publishes the latest breaking U.S. and world news, trending topics and developing stories from around globe.

  • Grand Jury Testimony: Mike Pence – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times

    Grand Jury Testimony: Mike Pence – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times

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    Was Star Witness Mike Pence’ Grand Jury testimony an Interrogation or a long awaited Confessional? Listen in!

    Mike Pence avoids Trump

    The Justice Department’s Special Council Jack Smith (the one Donald Trump said had a fake name, haha) is overseeing, but not questioning former VP Mike Pence in a 7 hour Q&A Grand Jury testimony marathon where he must testify on conversations he had with Trump.

    There is a roster of prosecutors working with Smith – one of them is – let’s call him Bob.

    Instead of being direct & asking ‘What did Trump say to you’ & ‘What did you say to him’ – Bob sashayed around, but got what he wanted all along.

    MIKE PENCE

    Oh, Jan 6?  We had Cheeseburgers.  I had one, Trump had three – he’s on a diet.

    BOB

    You don’t seem too happy about that.

    PENCE

    I really just wanted my usual – Tuna, 1 Leaf of lettuce on Milque-toast!

    BOB

    Yeah, I heard somewhere you don’t like condiments.

    PENCE

    You don’t have to use ’em if you use the Rhythm Method.

    BOB

    I mean ketchup, mustard, mayo…

    PENCE

    Oh, I’m a little jittery today because I might tell the truth…look, I’m shaking!

    BOB

    Okay then – let’s play a little free association game.  When I say a word, you say the first thing you’re thinking. 

    Fly

    Grand Jury testimony, Pence fly

    PENCE

    Does it have a Clearance?

    BOB

    Stormy

    PENCE

    Bazoombas!

    BOB

    January 6

    PENCE

    Hide!

    BOB

    Wimp

    PENCE

    Pussy! 

    You made me say that!  I knew it was a mistake to come here!

    BOB

    Did anyone in the White House ever take your measurements – you know, Chest, Waist – Neck!

    PENCE

    No, they didn’t.  Well, there was this one Christmas party – they could have – Santa pulled me around like I was a Burro!

    ass

    PENCE (moment of panic)

    I can’t take it anymore!

    scream

    Trump caught me wearing my wife’s underwear because mine was in the wash!  

    BOB

    Check!

    Couldn’t you have worn your own pair a 2nd day?

    PENCE

    I like lace!

    BOB

    Get up please!  There’s cameras.

    So Trump again had your cajones in a sling?

    PENCE

    Mother wouldn’t like that question!

    BOB

    It wasn’t easy to look the other way when you were the VP, was it?

    PENCE (sniffing)

    Don’t look at me – it’s an allergy!

    BOB

    Hey Charlie – another ‘Weeper’!

    CHARLIE (sound man)

    I’m bored – wake me when Jared Kushner walks in for his testimony, okay?

    BOB

    Mike, ever talk with Jared?

    PENCE

    Only to give my lunch order.

    BOB

    Mike, you’re a hero!  What kind of a thrill did you get when the world was watching you certify the election in the Senate on January 6th?

    Grand Jury testimony

    PENCE

    Well, I hate to compare it to an orgasm – because no one should be thinking of my shmekel but…

    BOB

    Smeckel?

    PENCE

    Oh lord, 7 hours to go & I’m already going to hell!

    hell

    Latest posts by Marilyn Sands (see all)

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    Marilyn Sands

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  • Only Gen X & Millennials will truly understand (30 Photos)

    Only Gen X & Millennials will truly understand (30 Photos)

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    Jon

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  • King Charles Coronation Serves As First Gig For Harry’s Garage Band With Other Neighborhood Dads

    King Charles Coronation Serves As First Gig For Harry’s Garage Band With Other Neighborhood Dads

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    LONDON—Saying the performance would add a dash of rock and roll to the regal procession, royal sources announced Saturday that King Charles’ coronation would also serve as the first gig for the garage band Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, had formed with several other neighborhood dads. “Before Prince William pays personal homage to the newly crowned monarch, we’re going to be treated to a quick set from Prince Harry and the Mystics, who I’m told will play some rocking covers and a few psychedelic originals of their own devising,” Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby told the gathered crowd of thousands as the ’60s-influenced group, which consists of new fathers Prince Harry met around his Montecito, CA neighborhood, started setting up their effect pedals and plugging in their Stratocasters. “I’ve heard they’ve improved quite wonderfully since they began jamming together in Harry’s garage six months ago over their shared love of Cream and the Rolling Stones. They don’t have a drummer yet, and the prince is still mastering the pentatonic scale, but that’s all the more reason to put your hands together. Go ahead and give the boys a warm welcome!” At press time, sources confirmed that an ecstatic Prince Harry had received an email booking the band for a Santa Barbara block party due to the gig’s success.

    This Week’s Most Viral News: May 5, 2023

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  • Princess Diana Shows Up To King Charles’ Coronation In Sultry Revenge Coffin

    Princess Diana Shows Up To King Charles’ Coronation In Sultry Revenge Coffin

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  • Panicked King Charles III Flails Wildly After Getting Head Stuck Inside Coronation Crown

    Panicked King Charles III Flails Wildly After Getting Head Stuck Inside Coronation Crown

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    LONDON—Crashing through the stained glass window of Westminster Abbey in a desperate attempt to free himself, a panicked King Charles III was seen flailing wildly Saturday after getting his head stuck inside the coronation crown. “Help! Help! Get me out of this godforsaken crown this instant!” said the king, who tried to use his jewel-encrusted scepter to pry off St. Edward’s Crown before accidentally getting his pants caught on a pulley that hoisted him onto the face of Big Ben, exposing his heart-patterned boxers for the entire kingdom to see. “Ow, it hurts! Butter, I need butter! Obey your king’s command for more butter! Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop!” At press time, Prince William reportedly attempted to free his father by cutting his head off with a sword.

    This Week’s Most Viral News: May 5, 2023

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  • This laugh is on the house….(42 Photos)

    This laugh is on the house….(42 Photos)

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    Elizabeth

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  • Court Finds Ed Sheeran Did Not Violate Copyright With Song ‘I Wish I Were An Oscar Mayer Wiener’

    Court Finds Ed Sheeran Did Not Violate Copyright With Song ‘I Wish I Were An Oscar Mayer Wiener’

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    NEW YORK—Concluding a protracted legal battle in which the popular singer-songwriter stood accused of plagiarism, a federal jury found Thursday that singer-songwriter Ed Sheeran did not infringe upon anyone’s intellectual property with his song “I Wish I Were An Oscar Mayer Wiener.” “What you need to understand is that pop songs are harmonically and lyrically very simple, so yes, my song may use a similar chord progression and the exact same lyrics as a famous jingle used to sell hot dogs, but that doesn’t make it a copyright violation,” said Sheeran, who testified in his own defense, telling the Manhattan courtroom that ruling in favor of the plaintiff, processed meat purveyor Oscar Mayer, would have a chilling effect on artistic expressions of wanting to be an Oscar Mayer wiener. “It’s all part of the folk music process. Long before anyone thought of advertising hot dogs on television, Leadbelly and Woody Guthrie sang of how an Oscar Mayer wiener is what they’d truly like to be, and you can trace this through to the Beatles and Bob Marley, who each in their own way sang about how, if they were Oscar Mayer wieners, everyone would be in love with them. The theme of envying an Oscar Meyer wiener continues today, especially in hip-hop, and will be here long after we’re gone.” Shortly after the verdict was read, Sheeran reportedly attended a ceremony at which multiplatinum certification was awarded to his album My Bologna Has A First Name.

    This Week’s Most Viral News: May 5, 2023

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  • Umm that’s the funniest freakin’ thing I’ve seen all week (30 Photos)

    Umm that’s the funniest freakin’ thing I’ve seen all week (30 Photos)

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    Elizabeth

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  • Awkward Album Covers of 1970s Swedish Bands

    Awkward Album Covers of 1970s Swedish Bands

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    Satin outfits, stylish beards, blocky fonts and some of the most hideous fashion you’re ever likely to see, it’s all here and more, designed to make your eyes bleed. When it comes to awkward album covers, nothing competes with the lameness of 1970s Swedish bands.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

    Swedish band cover from the 1970s.

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    liver

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  • This Week’s Most Viral News: May 5, 2023

    This Week’s Most Viral News: May 5, 2023

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  • I can’t prove Photoshop was involved…but I’m beginning to suspect (35 Photos)

    I can’t prove Photoshop was involved…but I’m beginning to suspect (35 Photos)

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    Bob

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  • Bad News, Your X-Ray Doesn’t Look Good

    Bad News, Your X-Ray Doesn’t Look Good

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    You are not a person, you are a brain. You just control the meat suit. An inside you is a terrifying skeleton. Your teeth is the only part of it that’s exposed to the outside world. Each time you brush your teeth, you are actually brushing your scary skeleton. Think about it.

    It's exactly what I was afraid of. What? Skeletons.

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    liver

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  • Absolutely Execrable

    Absolutely Execrable

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    With your weekly dose of snark, and just one execrable pun, here follows Error’d:

    A reader who asked to remain
    Very Anonymous sent us this
    suicide note for his reputation.
    “Somehow, lyrics.com could get the right photo (from
    Wikipedia, it seems) of the country singer Stonewall
    Jackson, but ended up with the Confederate general’s bio.
    PS: Please don’t ask or judge me as to why I was looking for the lyrics to
    Jesus Took The Outlaw Out Of Me.” I’m sure we really don’t want to know.


     

    Philip blew up our inbox with an
    unusual weather forecast, explaining
    “When I checked windy.com if I could bring my kite, I
    was a little bit surprised about the animations. And
    then also about the wind speed. Still not sure if it’s
    safe to bring a kite.”

    windy

     

    Ambitious
    Sim is thinking hard about relocation.
    “Job market’s pretty hot in {:countryName} right now,” he muses.
    Sim, the job market in {:countryName} is always hot!

    linkedin

     

    Penultimate
    Kate quietly kvetched.

    steam

     

    Finally, an anonymous monoglot muttered
    “Not to be a gnashgab but what sort of fustilarian
    saddle-goose programmer thought that new patients for
    this medical portal might be speaking ye olde English at home?”
    I don’t know, but my doctor always asks about my
    last vowel movement.

    kareo

     

    [Advertisement]
    Continuously monitor your servers for configuration changes, and report when there’s configuration drift. Get started with Otter today!

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    Lyle Seaman

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  • When Dad Uses The Family Photo To Market His Business

    When Dad Uses The Family Photo To Market His Business

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    “My dad Larry opened one of the first cell phone stores in Houston Texas and was known as “the cell phone kingpin.” I wish you could have seen the commercial that ran with him on a unicycle.”

    (submitted by Katie)

    The post Cellular appeared first on AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com.

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    Team Awkward

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  • Someone Was A Bit Too Excited For The Mother’s Day Photo

    Someone Was A Bit Too Excited For The Mother’s Day Photo

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    “Not sure how to describe this one. I think he got ahold of my morning coffee.”

    (submitted by Shaquita) 

    The post Mom! appeared first on AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com.

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    Team Awkward

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  • When Your Aunt Can’t Make It To The Photoshoot

    When Your Aunt Can’t Make It To The Photoshoot

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    “This is my Dad’s family in 1991 and the photo was hanging in my grandma’s house for years with the caption written underneath. Oh the things you did before Photoshop.”

    (submitted by IG @the_eugene_or)

    The post The Stand-In appeared first on AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com.

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    Team Awkward

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  • Texts From Tucker Carlson That Got Him Fired

    Texts From Tucker Carlson That Got Him Fired

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    “I hate the way you talk to me, And the way you cut your hair. / I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare. / I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. / I hate you so much it makes me sick, It even makes me rhyme. / I hate the way you’re always right, I hate it when you lie. / I hate it when you make me laugh, Even worse when you make me cry. / I hate it when you’re not around, And the fact that you didn’t call. / But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, Not even close, Not even a little bit, Not even at all.”

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  • NHL playoff memes are so much better than ESPN’s broadcast (50 Photos)

    NHL playoff memes are so much better than ESPN’s broadcast (50 Photos)

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    Stephen

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  • Looking For a Good Bear Pun? Check Out This One!

    Looking For a Good Bear Pun? Check Out This One!

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    {3 Comments}

    Living without bear puns is simply un-bear-able! That’s why we decided to present you the greatest bear pun ever made. Please share it with a girl you like. Ladies love bear puns. You will definitely get laid.

    Living without bear puns is simply un-bear-able! That's why we decided to present you the greatest bear pun ever made.

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    liver

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  • Is Your Money Gathering Dust In A Savings Account When It Could Be Hidden Deep Within The Jungles Of Ecuador Luring Foolhardy Treasure Hunters To Certain Doom?

    Is Your Money Gathering Dust In A Savings Account When It Could Be Hidden Deep Within The Jungles Of Ecuador Luring Foolhardy Treasure Hunters To Certain Doom?

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