Category: Humor

In a stunning display of naval prowess, the HMS Outcast of the Royal Navy has taken down the notorious Russian destroyer, The Comradess Olga, much to the dismay of President Putin.

The ill-fated Russian sub, on its way back to Mother Russia for a little rest and relaxation, met its watery demise within a mere four minutes, courtesy of the torpedoes from the relentless Outcast.

As news of the sinking reached the Kremlin, President Putin’s anger soared, for it was none other than Capt. Nikito Vichavich, the commander of The Comradess Olga, who happened to be the father of one of Putski’s most cherished Russian strumpets. The unexpected turn of events has left the Russian leader fuming and seeking solace from his gold-plated toilet brush collection.

Meanwhile, in a show of admiration, King Charles III commends the brave crew of the ‘Outcast’ for their exceptional valor. To honor their gallant service, the King has graciously arranged for each crew member to receive free tickets to tour the esteemed halls of Buckingham Palace. The crew members are particularly excited to try out the replica periscope installed in Charles’ private water closet, which playfully pops up in the opulent Pompadour Chamber in Queen Camilla’s private quarters.

You may not remember Liz Truss.

Conservative. Short. Blonde. Snappy Dresser?

Former Prime Minister?

Agent against Cheese importers?

No?

The opener of Beijing Pork Markets?

Ah, now you remember!

Anyway, she now has some dressing gowns for sale, as she notes on her blog, “Don’t Blame me, it was all their fault.”

“Yes, my many fans out there, although a small hotel chain is suing me for some piffling amount like £12,000, I have three of their finest dressing gowns for sale. The two facts are merely a coincidence and not linked at all.

“They are only £4,000 each. I think that you will agree, an absolute bargain. I would say steal, but the lawyers wouldn’t like that.

“Also, I have matching slippers, towels, small bars of soap, and tiny bottles of shampoo as well.”

The lightning round at the CNN Town Hall received very little attention, but was quite telling. See the transcript!

Newly heteropolitical cable news station CNN featured former president Donald J. Trump in a 60-minute town hall meeting recently at St. Anselm theater in Manchester, New Hampshire. An audience of randomly selected registered Republicans peppered the former president with questions from the floor. The topics were many and varied, though expected; Trump’s responses were perhaps predictable as well. CNN anchor Kaitlan Collins served as the principal interviewer and introduced questioners from the audience. A little-noticed lightning round followed.

The event was not without controversy. Prior to the town hall, Capital Police Officer Michael Fanone, who was injured in the Jan. 6, 2021, insurrection, and U.S. Representative Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, among others, urged CNN to cancel the much-advertised “Conversation with Trump.”

“Trump,” said AOC, “is a dick. Why would anybody want to see and hear him?” The program, however, proved to be the most watched cable TV show all evening.

The first topic addressed by Collins to Trump was the recent Manhattan civil rape trial, which concluded only Tuesday with a judgment in favor of journalist E. Jean Carroll, who claimed that Trump raped her in a New York City department store in 1996. The jury found that Trump had “sexually abused and defamed” the former Elle Magazine advice columnist.

When queried, Trump asserted that “I don’t know this woman; I never met her” and concluded that she was “a whackjob.” Trump further decried the Clinton-appointed trial judge as “a terrible person” and characterized the much-publicized trial as “a hoax and a travesty of justice.”

When questioned on camera in a TV studio at CNN in New York, rumored presidential candidate Gov. Ron DeSantis remarked that the jurist, Judge Lewis Kaplan, was in fact a transsexual who was having a non-binary relationship with “some random clown at Coney Island.”

Also present in studio was former Gov. Chris Christie, who said that “any other candidate with this verdict would never be seen again,” but added that, “like a bad penny, Trump keeps turning up.” Trump complained on stage that Judge Kaplan refused to allow the name of Carroll’s pet cat, ‘Vagina T. Fireball,” to be read aloud in court. When moderator Kaitlan Collins said that fact was not relevant to the cause of action, Trump snapped that Collins was “a very nasty person” and that she “wasn’t his type.”

The United States, lamented Trump, was now “like a third world country,” and members of the audience, who were eating out of Trump’s hand all night, began chanting, “Shit hole, shit hole, shit hole…” Trump grinned and waved at the crowd. Next, Trump pointed out that he in fact won the 2020 election, which he called “rigged.” There were vote harvesters, he noted, who went to “20 polling places” and cast in each location as many as seven ballots.

When asked what the predominant issue facing the next American president was, Trump replied instantly that it was illegal immigration and a sieve-like border. “Mexico,” he said, “exports rapists, thieves, and murderers.”

“Yes,” remarked DeSantis in studio, “but most of them ended up in the Trump administration as cabinet secretaries, personal aides, and pieces of tail.”

When asked about the Jan. 6, 2021, Capitol insurrection, Trump said that “I didn’t have much to do with it,” but that it was, nonetheless, “a beautiful day.” And when asked if he was inclined to pardon the protesters who have been convicted, should he again become president, he replied that he was so inclined, with the possible exception of Mike Pence and “Democratic members of Congress and other members of Antifa.” Trump denounced the Black Capitol Police officer who shot protester Ashly Babbitt as “a thug. She never should have been killed,” he asserted, noting that the club she wielded “probably wouldn’t have broken his thick, black skull.”

When taking a question from the audience, he was asked how he would make the cost of living in America more affordable. “Drill, Baby, Drill!” he said, and indicated that he would confiscate the petroleum resources of Iran, Iraq – “we left half our shit over there” — and Venezuela. When asked his position on gun control legislation, the ex-president said it was “all a mental health problem” and that the real concern was for mentally ill people who yearned for the guns they couldn’t possess. Trump’s answer was to provide “every white heterosexual male over the age of eleven” with a firearm upon their matriculation from the fifth grade. This is a well-known position, popularized in Georgia by Trump supporter Rep. Marjorie Taylor-Greene. “It’s not the gun that kills,” Trump said, “but the person. And aside from cops, I don’t believe Americans should be shooting people.”

Trump added that in that vein, and in order to secure schools, a more liberal immigration policy on Russia was in order and called for an enlarged immigration quota for members of PMC Wagner, the paramilitary mercenary group operating for Russia in the Ukraine war. These individuals, he said, could become armed teachers, guards, and recess monitors in our public schools.

Another audience member took the opportunity to congratulate the ex-president for the Dobbs Supreme Court ruling, and Trump was glad to accept her thanks. “I did that,” he crooned, drawing a plump thumb back into his own chest. “Dobbs was a great victory,” he said, noting that under Roe, abortionists “could crawl up a woman’s pussy and into their womb and rip the fetus out of the woman. Bummer,” he remembered. He went on to predict that in 150 years he would himself be hailed as the greatest president in history for all the lives he’d saved.

Trump repeated the myth that he “completed the wall.” When Collins pointed out that he’d built only 52 miles of new wall, he gave her a sidelong look and remarked, “That one’s got teeth, ya’ know?” The audience exploded in laughter, whistles, and applause. When Collins asked if he would reinstate the child separation policy that he inflicted on immigrant families during his first term, Trump replied simply, “It works. The wetbacks are at heart a race of family men and women; they love their kids, and if they know that their kids will be snatched away if they come over, then they won’t come over.”

Moderator Collins concluded the evening by asking Trump to participate in a “lightning round” of questions and answers. “I’ll mention a name or a word, and you say the first thing that comes to mind. Okay?” Trump shrugged.

Collins: Exhausted.

Trump: Biden.

Collins: Insurrectionist.

Trump: Tourist.

Collins: Executive Privilege.

Trump: Mulligan.

Collins: African American.

Trump: Thug.

Collins: White.

Trump: You’re all right.

Collins: Brown.

Trump: Hang Around.

Collins: Black.

Trump: Get Back.

Collins: New York.

Trump: City streets.

Collins: Woman.

Trump: Manhole.

Collins: Condom.

Trump: Manhole cover.

Collins: Beautiful.

Trump: Ivanka.

Collins: Atlanta.

Trump: Perfect phone call.

Collins: Donald Trump.

Trump: A very stable genius.

Collins: What’s next.

Trump: Just kiss ‘em.

Collins: And then.

Trump: Just grab ‘em by the pussy.

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Normally, I wouldn’t have much to say about a simple “it’s a mere arithmetic error” type of code sample. But this submission from Taylor adds an important factor: it’s a basic arithmetic mistake in date handling code, in a legacy product that’s been in use for decades. Oh, and it’s written in Delphi.

  ElapsedSeconds := Round( (Now - StartTime) * 24.0 * 60.0 * 60.0);

  Days := ElapsedSeconds div 86400;
  Hours := ElapsedSeconds mod 86400 div 3660;
  Minutes := ElapsedSeconds mod 86400 mod 3660 div 60;
  Seconds := ElapsedSeconds mod 86400 mod 3660 mod 60;

I’m not going to get too uppity about the bare constants in the first line. HOURS_PER_DAY would help readability, but it’s pretty clear what this line is doing: converting a number of days into a number of elapsed seconds.

The following lines then pick that number of seconds back apart into a more traditional timestamp- a number of whole days, a number of whole hours, a number of whole minutes, and finally a number of seconds.

I’m not going to pick on the idea that they should have just used some built-in functions for this, because upon some research, it doesn’t look like Delphi has any sort of elegant date handling- dates are just represented as floats, so while you can format a date difference nicely, picking it apart for hours, minutes and seconds requires some sort of code like this.

No, the WTF here is that the number of seconds in an hour is wrong. There are 3600 seconds in an hour, not 3660. They’ve added an entire minute to every hour, making each day 24 hours and 24 minutes long.

And as you might gather from this being in Delphi, this code base doesn’t exactly represent greenfield development. This bug has been in the code for some time. Everyone who used the product knew that these elapsed times were wrong, but decided to just manually edit their reports to include a fudge factor for timing.

All that said, it’d be nice to have an extra 24 minutes a day. I’d probably use it to sleep.

TOMMY TUBERVILLE IS A NUMBSKULL

Alabama, you’ve done it again my friends
Elected a racist moron who only offends
Tommy “The Taint” Tuberville is his name
And sucking off Nazis is his favorite game!
Not football, he was never any good at that
Taking credit for Black men’s free labor is
Where Tuberville always thought it was at
This neo-Confederate, neo-Nazi numbskull
Wants our military full of White supremacists
And Trump wanted “his” generals to treat him
Like Hitler – what a Republitarded whiny bitch!
Trump & his acolyte Tuberville should hump
Then Lindsey Graham will lick their rumps
And Ron DeSantis will get in on this orgy too
With his white boots, Gov. Tiny D will do
He looks like a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader
In those feminine white boots that he wears
Don’t forget Madison Cawthorn loves to screw
Cawthorn’s male cousin’s face for all to see too
Could these closeted conservatives be gayer?
The Trump Crime Family are a bunch of haters.
White boots Ron who has to get past The Don
To win the GOP’s nomination for their party’s
Greedy Old Pervert of the quadrennial contest
Might take Trump up on his Hitlerian offer
Dumb Trump’s generals don’t belong to him
Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg might win

https://medium.com/fuck-niches/is-tucker-carlson-gay-955f57e14af0

Jake Pickering
Arcata, CA, USA

P.S. — You can find out more about me and my widely published writings by clicking on the link: https://muckrack.com/jake-pickering-1

John likes to write about all kinds of things. So he does. You’re reading one now – enjoy!

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Signed: Jake Pickering

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about telling Halle Bailey and Halle Berry apart, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Halle Bailey ‘honored’ to play Ariel in ‘Little Mermaid’ remake

I can’t be only one who keeps thinking Halle Berry is the new ‘Little Mermaid.’

Trump CNN Town Hall described as train wreck

Let’s face it; if that Trump Town Hall was anymore of a train wreck, it would have been sponsored by Norfolk Southern.

Costco offering $2,500 off Volvo EVs

But you do have to order 237 of them….

Biden says not yet ready to invoke 14th Amendment to avoid debt default

… Which he helped pass.

Robert De Niro welcomes 7th child at age 79

Sending the kids to their room must get redundant: “Am I talking to you? You see anyone else around here?”

McDonald’s found liable for hot Chicken McNugget that burned girl

I’d be more shocked if they found actual chicken in the McNugget.

JLo’s mom ‘prayed for 20 years’ that her daughter and Ben Affleck would get back together

She must have really wanted a Gigli 2.

The jury has awarded E Jean Carroll $5M

That’s enough to buy Truth Social and still have almost 5 mil left.

Clarence Thomas kid’s tuition paid for while hearing cases involving Harlan Crow, the guy who paid it

So, a Quid Pro Crow!

Tucker Carlson got fired

Must’ve been the vaccine.

Sleeping Hilton Hotel guest wakes up to manager sucking on his feet, Tennessee lawsuit says

I’m guessing Hilton will foot that bill.

An entire generation of Asian girls were named after Connie Chung

… while her husband, Maury Povich, is not their father.

A scientist says he’s solved the Bermuda Triangle, just like that

Unfortunately, he’s three days late, and counting, for the news conference…

Substitute teacher, 72, arrested for masturbating in HS hallway

Guess he misunderstood when they said he could come anytime he wanted.

Case against serial liar George Santos slam dunk, legal experts say

… Which reminded Santos of when he beat Michael Jordan in the NBA dunking contest.

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of — winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney’s, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that’s been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul’s time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul’s “Ripping the Headlines Today” columns here.)

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A little Trump Town Hall Monday Morning Quarterbacking for clarity & spunk with Liz Cheney!

Tip of the hat to Moderator Kaitlan Collins who did a courageous job, but Laurence O’Donnell, host of ‘The Last Word‘ on MSNBC opined ‘What if Liz Cheney moderated Trump Town Hall instead?!’

But this time, the audience is in a sound proof hermetically sealed auditorium!  haha

I think it would go something like this:

LIZ CHENEY

Welcome Donald Trump, you ####, ####, #### Rapist Loser!

DONALD TRUMP

What a warm welcome – I never liked your father.

LIZ

What does Melania think about you losing the E. Jean Carroll case?

TRUMP

Who knows – she’s on an island in the Pacific & fans herself with money!

C’mon, the jury says I’m not a Rapist, I’m just a pervert with a broken zipper!

LIZ

You masterminded the whole January 6th Insurrection, didn’t you?

TRUMP

‘I wasn’t involved in it very much’ – I even had a dental appointment that morning.

LIZ

Mike Pence was in danger.

TRUMP

No, he was not.

LIZ

Yes, he was.

TRUMP

No, he was not.

LIZ

He sh_ _ his pants!

TRUMP

So, what’s new?

I cherish the Constitution – did you see what I did to the Flag?

LIZ

We sure did – you rubbed 1 Star completely off!

LIZ

Every 4 years you put yourself on the Presidential Ticket only to keep from going to prison – what don’t you like about showering with other men?

TRUMP

Liz – you got me!  I give up!  I never wanted to be President  up & my lawyers are all fired!

LIZ

Hallelujah – but why me?

TRUMP

I waited to get caught by a tough bowlegged Wyoming cowgirl & wish to be lassoed & whipped!

LIZ

I knew you peed in that Russian Bed!

You mean ‘The Trump Era’ is over & the Republican Party can reboot & cleanse themselves in a gigantic steamy hot tub?

TRUMP

I don’t frigin’ care what they do  – I’m really a Democrat!

LIZ

You lied about which party you are – what about all those red hats?

TRUMP

Those hats (plus shipping) are getting me on that island in the Pacific – does this place have a back door?

LIZ

Your announcement caught me off guard – we have 50 minutes left of this Town Hall – got any ideas?

TRUMP

I do ‘Impressions’!

LIZ

Let’s see what you got!

TRUMP (as Vladimir Putin)

‘You came through, Doughboy – Top, Top Secret Docs!  A little Ketchup on it – no worries, we have special dog licks these things’!

TRUMP (as Kim Jong Un)

‘Thanks bro – these Top Secret Docs gave me locations of all ‘Home Depot’s’ near me!  Who knew all our missiles needed was ‘Phillip’s Screwdriver’!

LIZ

Now, can you do House Speaker Kevin McCarthy hitting his head with his Gavel?

TRUMP

No, but would you!

Marilyn Sands is a former 80’s Stand-Up Comic & Comic Booker. Sold Jokes to Joan Rivers & lesser lights. Was up one night & wrote 2 Madcap Screenplays & a Stage Play. Her hilarious book “CAN YOU PEE OUTDOORS” On-Line Dating Straight Lines is on amazon.com/dp/1733487409And, “OWNING THE STAGE, RENTING THE BALLS”!My Life as a Funny Girlis on amazon.com/dp/1733487417″Living proofyou don’t have to be a success to write a Memoir”!And yes, this bio is my OBIT too!haha

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