Category: Humor

Eva‘s co-worker needed to strip the domain name off an email address, and then separate out the subdomains. The goal was that they wanted to be able to match foo.bar.com and bar.com as being the same domain.

Now, for most of us, this would seem like a pretty straightforward application of a split function. If we’re feeling like over-engineering it, we could break out a regex. (Please, don’t use a regex for tasks like this)

What we probably wouldn’t want to do is this.

string GetDomain(string emailAddress, int howManyDots)
{
    string fullDomain = emailAddress.Substring(emailAddress.IndexOf('@') + 1);
    if (howManyDots == 0)
    {
        return fullDomain;
    }
    else if (howManyDots == 1)
    {
        try
        {
            int rightMostDotPosition = fullDomain.LastIndexOf(".");
            string leftPartOfDomain = fullDomain.Substring(0, rightMostDotPosition);
            int secondRightMostDotPosition = leftPartOfDomain.LastIndexOf(".");
            return fullDomain.Substring(secondRightMostDotPosition + 1);
        }
        catch { return fullDomain; }
    }
    else if (howManyDots == 2)
    { 
        try
        {
            int rightMostDotPosition = fullDomain.LastIndexOf(".");
            string leftPartOfDomain = fullDomain.Substring(0, rightMostDotPosition);
            
            int secondRightMostDotPosition = leftPartOfDomain.LastIndexOf(".");
            string twoLeftPartsOfDomain = fullDomain.Substring(0, secondRightMostDotPosition);
            
            int thirdRightMostDotPosition = twoLeftPartsOfDomain.LastIndexOf(".");
            return fullDomain.Substring(thirdRightMostDotPosition + 1);
        }
        catch { return fullDomain; }
    }
    else if (howManyDots == 3)
    {
        

        try
        {
            int rightMostDotPosition = fullDomain.LastIndexOf(".");
            string leftPartOfDomain = fullDomain.Substring(0, rightMostDotPosition); 
            int secondRightMostDotPosition = leftPartOfDomain.LastIndexOf(".");
            string twoLeftPartsOfDomain = fullDomain.Substring(0, secondRightMostDotPosition); 

            int thirdRightMostDotPosition = twoLeftPartsOfDomain.LastIndexOf(".");
            string threeLeftPartsOfDomain = fullDomain.Substring(0, thirdRightMostDotPosition);
            int fourthRightMostDotPosition = threeLeftPartsOfDomain.LastIndexOf(".");
            return fullDomain.Substring(fourthRightMostDotPosition + 1);
        }
        catch { return fullDomain; }
    }
    return fullDomain;
}

This seems to be a case of someone who didn’t understand their tools and who didn’t understand the problem all that well. The fact that this requires hard-coded branches (and thus only supports up to three .s per domain) really highlights that. You can see the first glimmerings of “maybe I can do this with loops?” in the variable names- but they couldn’t climb over that hill to finish the job.

Eva replaced this with a much smaller function that used Split.

New birth control regulations in latest DeSantis anti-WOKE law.

Governor DeSantis called a press conference to announce the latest anti-WOKE law that he is proposing. Here is the text of his speech:

We all know that the ultimate aim of the WOKE conspiracy is the promotion of Replacement Theory, to first marginalize the White majority by non-White people overwhelming our numbers. This will mean that the values of White Americans will be trampled and their voices silenced, as they march on to their ultimate goal, eradication of the White race. I promised that Florida is where WOKE comes to die, and the newest law I am proposing will help insure that.

To assure that Replacement does not occur in my state, all measures of birth control will be banned for all women and men of the White race, who do not already have six children. All Black and Latino residents will be issued special birth control identification cards, so that they may continue to use birth control. The state will encourage this use by paying all of the costs of their contraception. An ad campaign will be run urging Black and Latino men to get vasectomies. By simultaneously increasing the White birth rate and decreasing Black and Latino birth rates, we will defeat the WOKE Replacement plan.

Doctors who perform vasectomies, tubal ligations, or hysterectomies on White patients will be arrested and subject to up to 10 years in prison. Exceptions will be made for health reasons, subject to the approval of the Population Growth Administration that I will create.

The state legislature has agreed to pass it immediately and I will sign it into law the moment it reaches my desk.

DeSantis then opened himself up to questions from the press. He pointed to a woman reporter whose name he could not remember.

Reporter: “How is having so many children going to affect the economy when many women with large families will not be able to work?”

DeSantis: “Not to worry; I have taken that into account. The state will fund private charter schools starting in early childhood and issue vouchers to parents on the birth of their child. The schools will all pass the anti-WOKE criteria, so we can be assured that children are being imbued with the right values and understanding of the correct history of our nation. Black and Latino immigrants who are willing to serve as nannies for minimum wage will be issued special visas. Those who refuse will, of course, be deported or sent to another state.”

Reporter: “What about mixed race couples, where one is White and the other of another race?”

DeSantis: “That’s a bit more complicated, and we’re working on another law to take care of that. A committee is working on an anti-WOKE screening test that the non-White parent will take, If they pass it, particularly the White values section, there is no problem. If they fail, they have the choice of moving out of the state or sending their child to the anti-Woke academies we will be establishing. If the couple divorces, the White parent gets full custody.”

The governor then added, “To show how committed I am, we’ve already thrown away my wife’s birth control pills.” DeSantis then smiled broadly; his wife at his side did not.

Diane de Anda is a third generation Latina and retired UCLA professor. Tired of cranking out technical articles in a “publish or perish” atmosphere, she now spends most of her time writing adult fiction, children’s books, parody, and satire.Her weapon of choice is the limerick, aimed with humor and a touch of malice at society’s icons, celebrities, politicians, and other irritating folk.

Latest posts by Diane de Anda (see all)

Critics of the merger have suggested that the Saudis’ LIV Golf has in fact “purchased the PGA.”

PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan announced Wednesday the merger of the Professional Golfer’s Association of America (PGA) with LIV Golf, a Saudi-run sports entity owned by the Saudi-held Public Investment Fund, a $620 billion financial entity controlled by Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman.

Critics of the merger have suggested that the Saudis have in fact “purchased the PGA,” whereas Monahan was quoted as saying that the transaction was “a great deal, which will bear itself out.” Sam Bogey, a writer for Golf Magazine, stated that “they said the same thing about Auschwitz and Dachau when they were created.”

Others cite Saudi Arabia’s recent history of human rights abuses, the murder of United States journalist Jamal Khashoggi at the Saudi consulate in Turkey in 2018, and Saudi Arabia’s alleged complicity in the September 11, 2001 terrorist attack on the Twin Towers in New York City, as reasons to refuse LIV Golf access to PGA players, good name, and resources.

LIV Golf burst onto the scene in 2022 when it was created out of whole cloth by the Public Investment Fund (PIF), which is fueled by Saudi petoleum revenue. The staged 54-hole matches (LIV is the Roman numeral for 54) have $25 million purses for a field of 48 players with no cuts.

Former FedEx PGA champ Dustin Johnson, crowned the initial tour champ, walked away with a lead in tour winnings of $36.7 million for the 2022 season, which encompassed some eight tour events. The tour for the 2023 season has been increased to 14 events. Even the worst finisher in the 48-man field will receive a minimum payout of $120,000. Former President and avid golfer Donald J. Trump has expressed an interest in joining the tour before he gets bogged down with campaigning for the 2024 presidential election. He has said that his caddie will be either former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie or former Vice President Mike Pence.

Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi, a severe critic of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, was, according to U.S. government agents, murdered and then dismembered on Oct. 2, 2018. The Saudi government has denied any involvement in the killing. Saudi Arabia has also been under fire for targeting Saudi dissidents residing in foreign lands and for systematic persecution of LGBTQ citizens of Saudi Arabia. Perhaps significantly, one of LIV Golf’s major sponsors in 2023 is Ginsu Knives, another consumer brand purchased by PIF. A principal spokesperson for Ginsu is tour participant Phil Mickelson. “They get the job done,” Mickelson said succinctly.

The PGA originally suspended members who opted to join LIV Golf, citing 911, LGBTQ discrimination, Khashoggi, and other abuses, but PGA officials today contend that the merger is a step in the right direction. According to 18-time major winner Jack Nicklaus, he is “always in support of anything that is good for golf,” despite his objections to LIV Golf over the past year. Khashoggi’s four children have each received million-dollar homes and five-figure monthly stipends because, says bin Salman, he always feels sorry for orphans.

Saudi Arabia has enjoyed active participation in American politics since the election of President Donald J. Trump in 2016. Donald Trump’s close advisor and son-in-law, Jared Kushner, recently secured a PIF investment in his new equity fund, Liberty Partners, in the amount of $2 billion. Former Trump Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin likewise secured an investment in his group, Liberty Strategic Capital, to the tune of $1 billion. Mnuchin allegedly “did favors” for the House of Saud, and Kushner, while he was “neutral” in his treatment of the Saudis, did engineer the sale of $110 billion in arms sales to Saudi Arabia during his tenure as Trump’s aide.

Controversy is not unknown to the PGA. Long a dominion of straight white men, the first black golfer was not allowed to play at the Augusta National Golf Club, the PGA’s preeminent golfing venue, until 1990, and women were disallowed until as late as 2012, and then only with the proviso that their tee times be set at 6 a.m. and that they wear hot pants. According to Nicklaus, “this, too, was good for golf.”

Latest posts by Bill Tope (see all)

Fast Food Digest Illustrated Magazine* has just conducted a poll that took place in every one of the 50 US states.

And the results clearly showed that the top two fast food chains are McDonalds, with Whataburger a very, very close second.

The Orange W, has easily surpassed such heavy hitters as Burger King, Jack in the Box, Wendys, and Sonic.

Another up and coming fast food chain is Five Guys Burgers which could be changing their name to Five Guys and Their Wives Burgers, but that issue is still being hotly debated.

Meanwhile, the CEO of Whataburger John James Whata III, stated that the Whataburger shareholders are happier than termites at a wooden fence factory.

* Fast Food Digest Illustrated Magazine is proudly sponsored by McDonalds and Whataburger.

Yippee-Ki-Yay Magazine is reporting that Dolly Parton has just fired her band and she now has a brand new backup band.

Writer Buck Yazoo stated that he talked in person with Miss Parton who divulged that she just got tired of her band members getting high on moonshine.

She noted that once in a while was fine, but not every darned night.

Parton added that the drummer Cordell “Sticks” Huckaboot, would get so friggin’ plastered that on several occasions he was not even playing the same song that Dolly was singing and the band was playing.

SIDENOTE: Miss Dolly’s new band is named The Tennessee Holler Hillbilly Band and it is made up of four cousins, Abner Snook, Dusty Honeywax, and Homer and Cy Cayuga.

The “White House Plumbers” didn’t unclog Trump’s golden toilet. But someday we’ll be watching “Donald Trump’s 7 Year Scandal.”

No, these plumbers didn’t unclog Trump’s golden toilet. They were Nixon’s bungling G-Men White House Plumbers doing slapstick!

And, it all plays out in “White House Plumbers,” an HBO Max satirical drama in a re-play of a U.S. President’s embarrassing scandal.  And someday folks, we’ll be watching Donald Trump’s 7 year scandal in all its glory – so stay tuned.

You say you don’t want to go thru that again – suit yourself – but I’m up for the part of ‘Stormy’!  haha

Even though I loved this 5 episode HBO Max offering, it didn’t get the best reviews.  I guess you can’t compete with Robert Redford & Dustin Hoffman as Woodward & Bernstein in the full-length movie “All the President’s Men” – but this one told the tale of ‘The Plumbers’ – not the famed Washington Post Reporters that broke the story.

Actors Woody Harrelson & Justin Theroux play G. Gordon Liddy & E. Howard Hunt seamlessly & watching actress Kathleen Turner ‘chew the scenery’ was worth the price of admission.

Woody & Justin must’ve studied ‘Laurel & Hardy’ because there was plenty of crying & angst to go around in this series.  These two lead a ragtag group of burglars that set off a series of actions that brought down Nixon – the only President to resign.

Let us not forget what Nixon told British Journalist David Frost in the 1977 landmark interview:

“When the president does it that means that it is not illegal”!

As I wrote in my 2018 article, “Nixon’s Waterloo…My American Scandal” (below) – I missed out watching ‘Watergate’ in real time as I was living in Europe from 1972-1975 & have been devouring the facts ever since!

But while in Europe, I had a rude awakening.  On August 9, 1974 when my husband & I visited London, I walked out of the American Embassy & was immediately bombarded by a camera & microphone in my face by TV Reporters.

When the microphone was shoved in my face – I was struck speechless, as I not only was a quiet private person, but my husband was in a sensitive security line of work.

When one Reporter asked me what I thought about ‘Nixon’ – for good or bad, that is when I felt ‘American’.

I was not keeping up with America’s politics & it was news to me.  All I can remember is afterwards I picked up every newspaper on the stands to somehow catch up & assuage my guilt.

So I enjoyed this new mini-series not only to fill in the gaps, but to compare this scandal to Trump’s – where I didn’t miss one Indictment, Impeachment, Insurrection, Porn Star payment, Mueller Hoedown, Trump University Graduation or any un-chewable ‘Trump Steak’ Returns!

For more laughs, check out “Nixon’s Waterloo…My American Scandal.”

Marilyn Sands is a former 80’s Stand-Up Comic & Comic Booker. Sold Jokes to Joan Rivers & lesser lights. Was up one night & wrote 2 Madcap Screenplays & a Stage Play. Her hilarious book “CAN YOU PEE OUTDOORS” On-Line Dating Straight Lines is on amazon.com/dp/1733487409And, “OWNING THE STAGE, RENTING THE BALLS”!My Life as a Funny Girlis on amazon.com/dp/1733487417″Living proofyou don’t have to be a success to write a Memoir”!And yes, this bio is my OBIT too!haha

Latest posts by Marilyn Sands (see all)

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Attorney General Merrick Garland and Yosemite Sam.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock under your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Trump has been indicted twice. Today on the show my guests are Attorney General Merrick Garland and Yosemite Sam.

JERRY

Good morning, gentlemen.

YOSEMITE SAM

I’m the meanest, toughest hombre that’s ever crossed the Rio Grande. And I ain’t namby-bamby!

JERRY

I hear ya. You’re a putz.

YOSEMITE

Thanks for the compliment, amigo.

JERRY

Hi Merrick.

AG MERRICK GARLAND

Yosemite sounds like a Proud Boy. I convicted five of those feces.

YOSEMITE

I am proud, boy. I have a huge following of Trumpers on my social media called Rubes for Boobs. We support Republican candidates runnin in the 2024 election. Last night, a group of us went huntin for rabbits. Didn’t bag one. Shucks, I’m dyin for rabbit stew.

MERRICK

Will you settle for matzo ball soup? It’s my bubbie’s recipe.

YOSEMITE

You mean your bubba.

JERRY

Folks. Have you ever had one of those days when you’re holding a stick and everybody looks like a pinata?

MERRICK

No. My bubbie. It’s a Yiddish word for grandmother.

YOSEMITE

I don’t know anything about them British except their teeth are messed up. Just look at Queen Camilla. Her teeth are so jacked they look like a toolbox of rusty nails.

JERRY

At least she has teeth. My Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife.

YOSEMITE

Duncan, I’m warnin ya! One more crack and I’m gonna fire buckshot into your rear end.

JERRY

Yosemite. I’m curious. Why did you grow a mustache?

MERRICK

I know. Because he wanted to look like his mother.

YOSEMITE

I’ll blast your head off, four eyes.

MERRICK

(imitates Elmer Fudd’s laugh) Huh-huh-huh-huh.

YOSEMITE

I’m campaigning door to door for Trump. We want to reach the school dropouts. He promises to give them Walmart greeter jobs. Let’s Make America Great Again.

JERRY

Do you know the difference between Walmart and Target customers?

YOSEMITE

No.

JERRY

About 200 pounds.

Yosemite pulls out a pistol and fires.

YOSEMITE

I warned ya, wise guy. Dance!

Fires the gun again.

YOSEMITE

Dance for your supper!

JERRY

Okay. But don’t have a meltdown. I have two left feet.

The studio door bursts open. Bugs Bunny enters. Yosemite stops firing.

BUGS BUNNY

Ehhh. What’s up, Doc?

JERRY

Trump just got indicted in Florida by the Feds. Tell him, Merrick.

MERRICK

Yes. A 37-count indictment.

BUGS

Cool.

YOSEMITE

What?! I can’t even count that high.

MERRICK

Donald Trump defrauded the United States. He said all classified documents hidden at Mar-a-Lago were turned over to the FBI and National Archives. It was a lie. The FBI found 300 documents. Not to mention Trump tried to overthrow the government on January 6. That’s another indictment coming up soon in DC.

YOSEMITE

(thinks) January 6. New Year’s Day?

YOSEMITE

Damn. Whenever I find the key to happiness someone changes the lock.

MERRICK

Looney Tunes. If it wasn’t for your wife, you wouldn’t be where you are today. In a psychiatric ward.

YOSEMITE

(angry) Say your prayers, varmint! I’ll be back.

JERRY

Merrick Garland and Yosemite Sam everyone. See you tomorrow if Yosemite doesn’t go postal.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.

Latest posts by Dean Kaner (see all)

Since no one can find Lukashenko, dictator and Putin puppet of Belarus, the good people of that country have decided to elect a log of wood as its leader.

The log has promised sweeping reforms!

All trees shall be protected and given equal rights with human beings – perhaps they will have even more rights than human beings, the cancer of the planet.

There shall be ample water and sunlight for all! New trees will be planted until the entire nation is essentially one giant forest. Houses and apartment buildings will be torn down to make way for more forests.

The people will live in tree forts or in tunnels in the ground, like hobbits. (Also good in case of nuclear war – everybody lives in bomb shelters).

There will be no advanced technology like phones and TVs and nuclear missiles since these do nothing to help the lives and growth of trees. All factories that belch smoke into the sky and cause acid rain to fall will be demolished.

Belarus will revert to an agrarian society. Putin hates the idea. The log is not only fervently anti-Putin but also anti-human. ‘Trees first!’ ‘Don’t tread on my wood!’ ‘You ain’t got the acorns to cut me down!’ say some of the placards of those in support of the new/old way of life.

Chainsaws and fire will be banned. Belarus will be a very cold country come winter – so not much changes.

Some people of other nations like the idea. Tree-huggers, mostly. Why not trust a log of wood instead of a human being, they ask? Trees don’t have party gates or pizza gates or any gates while the world is locked in fear of a disease. Dutch elm is the only disease the log worries about.

Or I should say, The Log! All hail the bark and berry and seed and leaf! Down with the flesh and bone who do naught but destroy the Earth!

Will more nations embrace logs as their leaders? Will the planet heal from the evils of chemical/industrial/political mankind? When the Homo sapiens no longer have power, will they enjoy their lives as second-class citizens beneath the root, suckling the delicious sap of the evergreen and deciduous?

The Log has decided that people have their heads buried in the proverbial sand with their asses in the air – the complete opposite of the trees – and thus can only ever destroy instead of creating a good life for themselves and for all species that have the right to this planet.

Only through trees can human beings finally stand upright – like their half-monkey ancestors – and be like unto the Log – with their faces raised to the sunlight of a new dawn and their feet firmly planted into solid earth.

The Log has spoken.