Category: Humor

One of the most successful singers in the music business is Carrie Underwood, who became famous after she won American Idol season four.

Underwood has since broken all kinds of records, won all kinds of awards, and graced the opening music intro of Sunday Night Football since 2013.

And now Carrie has just finished recording an album of Beatles songs which she sings with a country twist, ala Reba McEntire, Dolly Parton, Shania Twain, and Sissy Honeywax.

Underwood also hopes to star in a movie titled “The Second Best Little Whorehouse in Texas,” with Matthew McConaughey, Willie Nelson, The Eagles, and a cameo by Vice-President Kamala Harris.■

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Pat Sajak leaving ‘Wheel of Fortune,’ doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Pat Sajak will retire from ‘Wheel of Fortune’ after 4+ decades as host

So, sounds like, Pat’s throwing in the vowel …

The Unabomber has died

Here’s betting no one wants to unseal his will.

PGA and Saudi LIV Tour officially merge

PGA will now be known as the ‘Pro Gulf Association.’

Transgender activist Rose Montoya goes topless and holds her breasts at White House

… Totally unnecessary, given the amount of out in open number of boobs in DC.

Scarlett Johansson shares key to successful marriage with Colin Jost

… Mostly, no hanging out alone with that Pete Davidson.

Congratulations to the Denver Nuggets on being NBA Champs

And to the Detroit Pistons, who already are mathematically eliminated from being champs in 2024.

Penn State professor accused of committing sexual acts with an animal in PA state forest

… Sounds like he misunderstood the term heavy petting.

Bill Cosby’s trending

… I’m not gonna drink to that!

Joe Exotic calls out Trump

So, it’s the Tiger King against the Lyin’ King!

Brad Pitt goes off on Angelina Jolie’s ‘vindictive’ winery sale

And she fires back, proving 2023 is very good year for ‘whine.’

Ja Morant receives 26 game suspension for waving around a gun

Let’s face it; not even Susan Collins thinks Ja’s learned his lesson.

Meghan Markle’s podcast isn’t coming back for a second season, and she and Harry aren’t getting the full $20 million payout from their Spotify deal

So … no need to tip over Joe Rogan’s couch for the extra money.

Stone penis found in medieval Spanish ruins: Experts

So, that’s where Keith Richard’s left it.

Lindsey Graham and Putin exchange heated words

Man, you can just feel the sexual tension …

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of — winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney’s, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that’s been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul’s time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul’s “Ripping the Headlines Today” columns here.)

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Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Snake Plissken announces run for mayor of The Big Apple, saying criminals will have 48 hours to turn themselves in.

Snake Plissken, the antihero of the 1981 post-apocalyptic sci-fi movie Escape from New York and its sequel, Escape from LA, has announced that he will run for mayor of The Big Apple.

“New York City is already in post-apocalyptic condition, criminals rule the city. People are being shot on the streets and being stabbed on the subways,” he declared.

He continued, “People are moving out of the city in fear for their lives and property. Businesses are shutting their doors because they are being robbed by gangs of 50 thieves at a time. Bad guys, when they are caught, waltz out of court with no bail. And more and more cops are quitting every day, because they feel they’re fighting a losing battle.”

Mr. Plissken stated that when he is elected, he will assume the positions of Mayor, Chief of Police and District Attorney.

Criminals will have 48 hours to either turn themselves in at the nearest precinct, or get out of NYC. Any offender who doesn’t take one of those options will be subject to Mr. Plissken’s personal stop and frisk policy.

Snake Plissken said that after he cleans up New York, LA will be next on his list. He also stated that he is trying to talk his buddy Harry Callahan into running for mayor of San Francisco.

Breaking News

Transgender Horse Wins Belmont Stakes

SNN Words to Live By

“You have the right to remain silent.” — Miranda warning.

“What about the underprivileged criminals?” — The Penguin (Burgess Meredith), Batman, 1960’s TV show.

“Lotta people lie at lunch.” — Deputy Barney Fife (Don Knotts), The Andy Griffith Show, 1960’s TV show.

Ted holland attended college for four years. The year that he bothered to go to class he studied history. He majored in throwing quarters in the jukebox in the Student Union canteen and minored in a girl named Marsha. His books include This Day In African American Musicand B Western Actors Encyclopedia.

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Ruggedly handsome Wild West TV star Anson Mount spoke with Pico de Gallo of Tittle Tattle Tonight, and talked about the rumor mill rumor that his hot, sexy, songstress girlfriend Taylor Swift is pregnant with his baby.

Mount confessed to de Gallo, that he and his blonde lover practice several means of birth control including beer, wine, and even, at times, simply just pulling out.

Anson also touched on the rumor that he recently purchased a $1.7 million engagement ring from Johnny Cash’s famous jewellery store, “Rings of Fire”.

Tay-Tay suddenly walked into the beach house that the couple shares on Malibu Beach named Casa Mount Swift, and she stressed in no uncertain terms that she does not need a ring to know that she is the only woman that Mount wants to mount… (Don’t give up the day job Taylor!) ■

Donald Trump’s former ‘side piece,’ and his little boy, Donald Trump Jr., say that they’re sick and tired, tired and sick of having to always comment that no, they do not do drugs.

To be fair, Nancy Reagan found it hard to ‘Just Say No’, she was famously hopped up on pills for most of her life.

Little Donnie said that he did drugs in the past, but it made him slur his words, forget to use vowels, and at times he would uncontrollably dangle his participles.

Meanwhile his fiancee and fantastic bed partner Kimberly “Raging Hormones” Guilfoyle said that she stopped doing drugs because it was giving her facial wrinkles, ass wrinkles, and her uvula was beginning to shrink.

When Donald Trump was asked if Donnie and Kimmy did drugs he put down his three McDonalds Big Mac burgers and replied, “How the fuck should I know – I don’t sleep in their fucking bed, believe me!” ■

In the “No Fucking Kidding Department,” anti-Trump billboards are popping up all over every state in the union.

The QuinniPinni Polling Agency reports that Trump has become more hated than bastards such as Hitler, Hirohito, and Charles Manson.

When asked about the anti-asshole signs, Donald Trump made a face, shrugged his shoulders, took a bite out of his Butterball turkey and simply said that he had not seen any signs and that furthermore they are just a hoax and a Fig Newton of everyone’s imagination.

Remember when Donald Trump said he likes to “grab them by the pussy”? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

Meanwhile New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who compared to Trump looks like he’s anorexic, remarked that 91.7% of all Republicans say that they prefer him, (Christie), Gov. Ron DeSantis, and even Rudy Giuliani to TrumpShit. ■

We return to Stefano Z, who once upon a time was a lowly junior developer surrounded by Very Smart™ and Very Senior™ developers.

Some of their code was written in a not-C language. It had to process many hundreds of millions of data points, and while it was fast, it wasn’t fast enough. The senior devs had a solution: rewrite it in C, the fastest of all languages.

The rewrite happened, and there was just one little problem: the performance was significantly worse, and it now crashed consistently. The senior developers had a solution for this, too: they blamed Stefano.

“Some of the code you wrote has to be breaking it, my code is highly optimized. Look at how few memory allocations it makes!”

Let’s walk through the highly optimized memory allocations for how this code serializes things. Let’s start with a rough sketch of the structure they serialized:

struct ImportantThing
{
	int someValue1;
	int someValue2;
	int someValue3;
	int someValue4;
	char* details;
};

Obviously anonymized, the key thing is that there are a large number of small fields, and one string that could be any length. Usually the string is NULL, and the average length is only a handful of characters.

Function names and variable names have been editorialized by Stefano.

char* VerySmartSerialize(const ImportantThing* arrayOfThings, size_t numberOfThings)
{
	const int AssumedTypicalStringSize = 50;
	size_t assumedNumberOfThingsWithNonNullString = numberOfThings;
    size_t cleverInitialBufferSize = (sizeof(ImportantThing) * numberOfThings)
		+ (AssumedTypicalStringSize * assumedNumberOfThingsWithNonNullString);

	char* buffer = (char*)malloc(cleverInitialBufferSize);
	char* positionInBuffer = buffer;
	size_t currentSize = cleverInitialBufferSize;

	for (size_t i = 0; i < numberOfThings; i++)
	{
		size_t itemSize = sizeof(ImportantThing);
		size_t stringLen = 0;
		if (arrayOfThings[i].details != NULL)
		{
			stringLen = strlen(arrayOfThings[i].details);
			itemSize += sizeof(size_t) + stringLen;
		}

		if (positionInBuffer + itemSize > buffer + currentSize)
		{
			
			
		}

		memcpy(positionInBuffer, &arrayOfThings[i], sizeof(ImportantThing));
		positionInBuffer += sizeof(ImportantThing);
		if (arrayOfThings[i].details != NULL)
		{
			*((size_t*)positionInBuffer) = stringLen;
			positionInBuffer += sizeof(size_t);
			memcpy(positionInBuffer, &arrayOfThings[i].details, stringLen);
			positionInBuffer += stringLen;
		}
	}

	return buffer;
}

We start with a few assumptions at the top of our function. We assume that the typical string is going to hold 50 characters, and we assume that every instance of the structure has a non-null string.

These assumptions are false. They represent a worst case, which isn’t inherently a bad choice, but they’re not based in reality. Then we allocate a buffer to hold all of this data in memory. But that buffer might not be the right size, so as we iterate across each item, we check to see if the buffer has room, and if not, we double it’s size.

So yes, this “optimized” function guarantees very few memory allocations. And at first, Stefano assumed that it was the doubling which was causing the crash. But this was itself, a bad assumption, and Stefano had to go back to the original assumptions the senior devs made.

They assumed that every entry had 50 characters. They frequently were processing hundreds of millions of these entries. But after a mere 43 million entries, this would allocate a buffer larger that 2GB- on a 32-bit machine. This is not a thing that was possible.

Simply running this function on a realistically sized dataset caused the crash instantly. Which means the senior devs just never did that.

There was also no requirement that all the data had to be serialized into a single memory buffer. The rational, normal solution to a problem like this would be to work in chunks. Copy some meaningful subset of the data to a buffer, flush the buffer to your destination, copy the next chunk, repeat. This even hits the goal of “very few memory allocations”, since you can just reuse the buffer.

Unfortunately for Stefano, he was just a junior. A redesign like that would require changing a lot of the dependent code, and the seniors would never allow that to happen. Plus, he didn’t quite have the experience to exactly see how such a solution would end up working. So he came up with a compromise solution: he scanned the input dataset and measured the length of all of the strings, and then allocated a buffer that was exactly the right size. It might “hurt performance”, but it also didn’t crash, so all in all, it was a net win.

Kimberly Guilfoyle has never been one to shy away from controversy. And so the future daughter-in-law of the Huge Orange Asshole, namely Trump, says that she wants all of her haters to know that she sincerely hopes that every last one of the talentless sons-of-bitches and bitches rot in hellacious hell.

Guilfoyle who alleged has two uvulas has been named to be Donald Trump’s 2024 campaign manager.

Trump even stated that he likes Kimmy a lot because she has fantastic sex appeal, great looking legs, and she is one of the best French kissers that he has ever kissed. (How ’bout them uvulas, eh Donald!)

Kimberly turned red when she heard about DJT’s comment and added that she only let him French her on three, maybe four occasions. The uvula cramps were just too painful.

The Birth of Jesus Christ : Religious Doctrine.

God wanted the Arch Angel Gabriel go to the town of Nazareth in Galilee and deliver a very important message to a young woman who lived there.

The lady’s name was Mary. She was a virgin who was betrothed to a man named Joseph, who was of the house of King David.

“Hail, full of grace! The Lord is with you,” Gabriel said when he visited Mary. I’m here to bring you good news.

When Mary heard Gabriel’s greeting, she was troubled and wondered what it meant.

Gabriel knew what she was thinking.

“Do not be afraid, Mary,” he assured her, “for you have found favor with God.”

Gabriel then shared with her the message God wanted him to relay.

“Behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall name him Jesus,” the angel announced. “He will be great and will be called Son of the Gander. “Honk! Honk!” And the Lord God will give him the throne of David.

Mary was confused. She asked Gabriel how she could have a baby when she and Joseph had not yet begun their married life together.

“God will come upon you as a large gander, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. Therefore, the child to be born will be called holy, the Son of Mother Goose,” Gabriel explained.

The angel also gave Mary some additional news.

Gabriel said, “Your cousin Elizabeth is barren without fruit because her husband is impotent, but God will perform a miracle and give her a child.”

“Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord,” Mary said. “May it be done to me according to your word.”

After Mary had spoken, Gabriel blessed her and left. Later, a giant, drooling gander landed on Mary’s home.- “Honk!”

Not long after, Mary traveled to Judah to visit Elizabeth.

When Mary entered the house of Elizabeth and her husband, Zechariah, she called out a greeting, “Hello Elizabeth, I have great news, God lay over me and I got pregnant with the son of God.”

When Elizabeth heard it, a large gander flew out of her bedroom window- Honk! Honk!

“Most blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb,” Elizabeth told Mary.

King Charles III, has just been informed that the new gay undercover vice squad has proved to be a bloody good success after just the first week.

A spokesperson for Scotland Yard noted that in just seven days, the GUVS accounted for taking 37 vagrants off of the London streets.

Reginald Killenworth, 42, a Scotland Yard spokesperson said that as a result of the new department incidents of assault, watch stealing, and arguing about football games have gone way, way down.

A local haberdasher noted that since the implementation of the GUVS he has not lost one single hat to the dastardly hat bandits.

The Left Coast Mirror is reporting that several fast food restaurants in the L.A. area will be adding masseuses to their working staff.

The masseuses will have a table set up in a corner of the restaurant where anyone who needs a massage can get one at a very reasonable rate, or even included in certain meal deals.

One confused patron asked for a “happy ending” and was surprised when he received a kids meal.

Masseuses employ some unique techniques befitting their fast food spas, including gherkin eye masks, steamed taco body wraps, hot stone massage using freshly baked fries and special sauce infused baby oil. ■

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Adam Schiff (D-CA) and Anna Paulina Luna (R-FL).

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Maybe. Today on the show my guests are Democratic representative from California Adam Schiff and Republican House representative from Florida Anna Paulina Luna.

JERRY

Anna. Not many people know about you. Nor would they want to.

ANNA PAULINE LUNA

That’s a low blow, Duncan.

JERRY

Not really. You were the person who spearheaded the MAGA Republicans in the House to censure Adam Schiff over his comments about former President Trump and his investigation into Trump’s ties to Russia. And wanted to fine him $16 million dollars. Thankfully it didn’t pass.

LUNA

Damn. It would have covered Trump’s payment to E. Jean Carroll for the money he’s going to owe her for the damages pertaining to sexual assault, battery, and defamation. It’s all a witch hunt.

JERRY

Just for that insane remark, you are hereby being addressed as Looney.

ADAM SCHIFF

Welcome to my world, Jerry. I’ve long been a target of Republicans. Congresswoman Luna is a habitual liar.

JERRY

How so?

SCHIFF

She said that she graduated from UCLA law school.

JERRY

Did you Looney?

LUNA

Next question.

SCHIFF

I’ll answer for her. Congresswoman Luna only has a 4-year college degree. Her greatest accomplishment was being a cocktail waitress and posing provocatively in Hometown Hottie and Maxim.

JERRY

Is that true Looney?

LUNA

Yeah. I’m a hottie. Sometimes I get the urge to run around naked. But then I drink Windex, because it keeps me from streaking.

JERRY

You’re 34 years old. A baby compared to Senator Dianne Feinstein.

LUNA

Yep. Dianne is the only person I know who was a friend of First Lady Martha Washington.

JERRY

You’re also the youngest member in Congress of Mexican heritage.

LUNA

Si Senor.

JERRY

Hey. Do you know what they call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

LUNA

No clue.

JERRY

Roberto!

Schiff laughs.

LUNA

What are you laughing at hyena boy?

SCHIFF

I read your paternal grandfather was German and served in the Wehrmacht during World War 2.

LUNA

That’s right.

SCHIFF

Then he must have tied his shoes with little knotsies.

JERRY

Looney. You tried to take down our leaders AG Merrick Garland, FBI director Christoper Wray, and Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas. Even harassed Veep Kamala Harris at an airport.

SCHIFF

The Congresswoman is an anarchist, Jerry. She hates government.

LUNA

At least I helped get Schiff off the Intelligence Committee.

JERRY

Looney. At least he has intelligence. Adam Schiff and Anna Pauline Luna everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.

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The full, controversial transcript of the Clarence Thomas interview on “The Whole Story with Anderson Cooper.”

Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States Clarence Thomas was interviewed on The Whole Story on Sunday night by CNN host Anderson Cooper. The appearance was part of a promotional tour for Thomas’s recent memoir, entitled “Get It While You Can.”

Cooper interviewed Justice Thomas from the CNN newsroom in New York City; with him was his wife Jennifer (Ginni) Thomas, an outspoken conservative activist. Following is a transcript of that interview:

Anderson Cooper:
Justice Clarence Thomas first rose to prominence in 1979 with his appointment as Assistant Attorney General for Missouri, under then Attorney General John Danforth who, upon gaining a seat in the U.S. Senate, subsequently sponsored Thomas’s appointment to the United States Supreme Court. Justice Thomas then underwent a controversial nominating process, involving allegations by former aid Anita Hill that Thomas had sexually harassed her. He has been no stranger to controversy for the past three decades, often siding with other Republican-appointed justices and espousing support for markedly conservative causes. Recently, allegations have been made that Justice Thomas accepted inappropriate gifts in travel, lodging, and hospitality from billionaire megadonor Harlon Crow, yet failed to report the gifts on the SCOTUS disclosure forms. Welcome, Justice and Mrs. Thomas.

Thomas:
Thank you, white boy.

Cooper:
Justice Thomas, how have you been dealing with the furor over the allegations surrounding the largesse afforded you and Mrs. Thomas by billionaire Harlon Crow.

Thomas:
I jus’ a small-town lawyer from Pin Point, Georgia. But, I know a high-tech lynching when I seen it! Those democrats got their nerve. Jus’ look what Hunter Biden be doin’.

Cooper:
So, you think you’ve been unfairly targeted for accepting gifts from Republican megadonors?

Thomas:
Lookit what the judicial community got from the tobacco settlement. Hello, the attorneys in Texas, Mississippi, and Florida alone got $8.2B.

Cooper:
That’s a lot of money.

Thomas (nodding):
That’s a lot of money.

Ginni Thomas:
Shit, the half mil’ I got from the Heritage Foundation won’t keep Clarence in me in cigarette money!

Cooper:
Justice Thomas, you originally had aspirations for the priesthood. What dissuaded you?

Thomas:
You can’t make no jack workin’ the collar. Man, you gots to be the damn Pope in order to get access to that $73B they said to have. An’ you KNOW they ain’t gonna let no brother into the Vatican.

Ginni:
Amen!

Cooper:
Justice Thomas, you preceded a long line of controversial officials in the Missouri Attorney General’s office, including now Senators Doug Hawley and Eric Schmidt and present Attorney General Bailey. Do you feel like they’re following in your footsteps?

Thomas:
Certainly. Look, Hawley, he writin’ about manliness and stuff, and Schmidt and Bailey, they be passin’ laws against transgenderism, it all good.

Cooper:
You held positions with the Department of Education and with the EEOC before you became a federal judge in 1989, but you didn’t really come to prominence until your confirmation hearing for the Supreme Court in 1991, at which time Anita Hill came forward and leveled accusations of sexual harassment at you.

Thomas:
That bitch, Anita…

Ginni:
She a skank!

Cooper:
Please tell our “Whole Story” audience, have you had any contact with Anita Hill since your hearings 32 years ago?

Thomas:
Certainly. She accompanied Ginni and me on our trip to Indonesia.

Cooper:
Really? How did that go?

Thomas:
Jus’ fine. She and Steadman — he cheatin’ on Oprah — went along for the ride. We had a helluva time!

Cooper:
During the Vietnam War, while at Holy Cross, you received several deferments from service in the military. And upon graduation, you were examined and declared medically unfit to serve. What was the reason that you were so classified?

Thomas:
Shin splints.

Cooper:
Shin splints?

Thomas:
Well, it’s better than bone spurs. I guess that’s why I never got to be president! (Thomas and Ginni laugh uproariously).

Cooper:
When she appeared before the Senate, Anita Hill stated that you
compared yourself to Long Dong Silver. Do you recall that?

Thomas:
I do.

Ginni:
Clarence could eat Long Dong Silver’s lunch any day!

Cooper:
Hill also claimed that you said that you found a pubic hair on a can of Coca-Cola.

Thomas:
That a lie! I always drink Diet Squirt.

Ginni:
That right. Clarence always good for a good squirt, but he ain’t one! (Again the couple laugh uproariously).

Cooper:
You finally came to the Court in 1991, with the death of Thurgood Marshall. After a fiercely contested nominating process, you secured approval to the Court by a vote of just 52 to 48.

Thomas:
I look at it this way, Anderson; it could have been worse. I might have been running for Speaker of the House! (The Justice and Ginni smirk).

Cooper:
You’ve been involved in some very controversial court decisions during your tenure; for example, you dissented in the decision to outlaw bump stocks, whereby semi-automatic firearms are converted to fully-automatic weapons. You stated in your dissent that your vote was “consistent with a nation’s historical tradition of dealing with firearms legislation.”

Thomas:
Thas’ right, Andy. I be an originalist: there ain’t nothin’ in the Constitution about bump stocks.

Cooper:
Nor is there anything in the Constitution about an air force. That doesn’t mean you can dismiss concerns out of hand. How does the Court address issues concerning societal elements which didn’t exist in the 18th century?

Thomas: (with big smile):
We jus’ play it be ear.

Cooper:
You have been remarkably silent during oral arguments during your time on the Court. Prior to COVID, you spoke in precisely 32 of the preceding 2,400 oral arguments. How do you account for that?

Thomas:
I be a man of few words.

Cooper:
You have held a number of other controversial positions over the years. You ruled with Citizens United that business entities should be considered as an individual with respect to campaign contributions. (Thomas nods). And then you sided with the position that 13-year old girls could be subject to strip searches by school personnel.

Thomas:
I took special counsel in that instance. Donald Trump had just returned from the Miss Teen U.S.A. pageant, and he tell me, ‘Clarence, nothin be so hot as a teenage girl in her skivvies.’ An’ you know, he right.

Cooper:
You voted that the Civil Rights Act of 1964 doesn’t protect citizens against discrimination based on sexual identity or sexual orientation. Yet, you wrote in a Texas case that law enforcement authorities had no business in enforcing a law against sodomy. Why did you so decide? (At this, both Thomas and Ginni fidget uneasily in their chairs).

Thomas:
Move on, Anderson.

Cooper:
In 2004 your friend businessman Harlan Crow gifted you a bible said to be worth $19,000, yet you never claimed it on your disclosure form.

Thomas:
That be persecution agin’ me for my religious freedom. Ever’ man gots the right to pursue worshippin’ the faith of their choice. This jus’ a high-tech crucifixion. An’ I ain’t got nothing more to say about it.

Cooper:
It has been conjectured, Justice Thomas, that your island hopping in Indonesia cost upwards of $245,000 a week. Please tell our “Whole Story” audience how do you reconcile that with SCOTUS’s responsibility to avoid even the appearance in impropriety or undue influence.

Thomas:
This jus’ a high-tech walkin’-the-plank and keelhaulin’.

Cooper:
But, what do you say to your critics?

Thomas:
They can like it or they can lump it.

Cooper:
In 2016, Moira Smith, an executive with a natural gas company, came forward and claimed that you squeezed her buttocks at a party in 1999. What do you say to that?

Thomas:
If’n she been coming forward at the time, then her ass wouldn’t ‘a been available for me to squeeze, would it? An’ as the Donald would say, she not my type.

Cooper:
In the Dobbs decision almost one year ago, you noted that the right to privacy was not contained in the Constitution and that the Court should “reconsider’ the concept, which paved the way for decisions on contraception, same-sex relationships and same sex marriage. How do you feel about these issues, going forward?

Thomas:
Anderson, God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. That all I got to say ’bout it!

Cooper:
Do you bear some personal animus toward the LGBTQ community?”

Thomas:
It ain’t personal, Anderson. I mean, queers got rights. You seem like a decent enough feller. They can eat and drink and pee wherever anyone else do, but…

Cooper:
But what?

Thomas:
They lay a han’ on me or mine, I take they head off! (Thomas cracks his knuckles loudly, while Ginni squirms uncomfortably).

Cooper:
Justice Thomas, what do you see as the far-reaching decisions the Court will have to make in the next term?

Thomas:
There ain’t so much. (Yawns).

Cooper:
But, what about minority voting rights and gerrymandering and campaign spending?

Thomas:
Minorities, just like queers, got rights. Right now, throughout the South, in most of the districts you got minorities voting, sort of. And as far as gerrymanders is concerned, we got to let the state legislatures alone — think ‘enumerated powers’ — an we should maintain states’ rights in all Republican-majority voting districts. Like I was tellin’ my adopted son, Sen. Ted Cruz, we gots to stay together…

At this point in the broadcast, there was an electronic malfunction, and all sound and video were lost.

Bill Tope is a retired (caseworker, cook, construction worker, nude model for art classes, and so on) who lives with his mean little cat Baby.

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