Category: Humor

Kate Gosselin and her boyfriend Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler are both thrilled at the fact that the “Queen of Reality TV” is seeing her new edible panties sell like pancakes at IHOP.

Gosselin who is 48, but doesn’t look a day over 27, says she had no idea that America’s women would take to her amazing panties that one can eat.

She noted that her 75-year-old boyfriend Steven Tyler is happy at the fact that now thousands and thousands of couples will get to experience what they have been experiencing for many years, and that is that Kate’s used panties can be enjoyed after sexual activity.

Steven has lined up an event to try and eat as many of the panties as he can in 1 minute to set a new world record!

SIDENOTE: The panties are available in sizes 3-12, and they can be seen and they can be purchased at at www.katesediblepanties.sex

Daily Drama writer Cinderella St. Lamb has just broken the story that finally after denying it for 40 years, the adult with the baby hands and fingers (that be Trump) has finally grown some gonads (onions, balls) and admitted that yes, a gorgeously sexy San Francisco woman, who works as a masseuse, is in fact his biological daughter.

Miss St. Lamb reported that she spoke to Trump, who finally admitted that Ambrosia Franconero is in fact his biological daughter.

Amby, as he calls her was born out of the sexual union of Trump and her mother, who 40 years ago was employed as Trump’s gold caddy.

St. Lamb said that the TrumpTwat told her that one night the two got shit faced (drunk) and one little hand led to a little hooha (vagina) and as they say in Nova Scotia, the rest is history mate.

The Whataburger Corporation has just announced that due to lots of customer input, they are now adding WhatPizza to their extensive food items menu.

The WhataPizza was developed by one of the best Italian pizza chefs in the world, Brooklyn’s Luigi Pinot, whose pizza’s have won countless “Best Pizza” awards throughout Italy, France, Scotland, and Brooklyn.

A spokesperson for the big Orange W, stated, “Okay ladies and gentleman and boys and girls, the Whataburger chain is now going to proceed to kick the combined pizza-making asses of Pizza Hut, Dominos, Papa John’s, Shakey’s, Little Caesar.

SIDENOTE: President Biden and the first lady Mrs. President Biden recently tried the new WhataPizza in Washington, D.C. and they said that it is the greatest tasting pizza they have ever tasted.

In what Portuguese authorities are calling the “Abuela (Grandmother) of All Mudslides,” reports are that millions of tons of Portuguese mud are not in Spain.

Spanish authorities report that the mudslide caused widespread destruction throughout the country and they are insisting that Portugal foot the tremendous clean up bill.

A representative for the Portuguese government has told Spain in no uncertain terms that Mother Nature caused the damn mudslide, so they suggest that they bill Mother Nature.

Meanwhile Spain is pissed off as hell, and they are planning on activating their army, navy, and air force, in preparation to invade Portugal.

A powerful 8.8 earthquake has hit the Chinese capitol of Hong Kong causing widespread havoc.

Boom Boom News (China) reports that the “Shaker” as earthquakes are referred to in China, has devastated the fortune cookie industry.

Reports are that approximately 89% of the fortune cookie industry has been demolished.

One of the largest fortune cookie producers in the world “Fortune Cookies ‘R’ Us” had their entire 9-building complex totally demolished.

Chinese President Xi Jinping is contemplating having to buy millions of fortune cookies from Ecuador.

Meanwhile, Chinese restaurants in America are upset at the fact that they will all run out of fortune cookies within a week or so.

No, not that kind of a party. But alternates never garner many votes. How about a Pirate Party?

It looks like the Democrats are going to nominate President Biden again while the Republicans can’t shake off former President Donald Trump. However, most Americans (including me) find the prospect of a Biden/Trump rematch very unappealing.

With that in mind, No Labels, an American political organization is planning to put together a bipartisan Unity ticket candidate for president if the two major parties select candidates like Biden and Trump.

Of course, we already have other political parties to choose from like the Libertarian and Green Parties, but they never garner many votes. Then there is the very dangerous Prohibition party that received a disturbing 4,834 votes or .00003124% of the total in 2020. That’s not many but it’s still a little too close for comfort.

Voters could also turn to the OWL Party which advocates Out With Logic / On With Lunacy. Although that sounds a lot like today’s Republican party.

But shiver me timbers, there are over thirty countries that have PIRATE PARTIES. Surprisingly Somalia isn’t one of them. Some have actually done quite well in national elections. The original Pirate Party in Sweden won 7.1% of the vote in 2009 while in the 2013 parliamentary election in Iceland the party received 5.1% of the vote. And praise the Lord, there is an American Pirate Party which has been in existence since 2006.

The party hasn’t yet announced its presidential nominee for 2024 yet, but my hope is that it will be Johnny Depp a.k.a Captain Jack Sparrow, whose swashbuckling ways will no doubt allow him to even capture the landlubber vote. After all, what scallywag or modern-day corsair wouldn’t vote for him?

September 19th is talk like a Pirate Day but with a Pirate victory at the polls, we can talk like pirates every day. Aye, How Fun!

A pirate president could easily solve the national debt problem with all of the buried treasure and massive porch pirate revenue. And dealing with adversaries like Russia and Iran would be easy as no country would want to mess with a country ruled by pirates.

The political rallies would be awesome as rally goers would probably be wearing cool hats and eye patches as they drink free Captain Morgan rum while watching 4834 prohibitionists walk the plank.

Hold on! I just googled the Pirate Party. There is no mention of gang planks or buried treasure. This party advocates for the reform of copywrite laws and the removal of patents, ZZZZZZZ. Blimey if that’s the case I want no part of them. I’m abandoning ship.

Oh, what the hoot. I’ll just support the OWL party.

J. Wade is a retired Chief Financial Officer from Missouri. He has had humor articles published in the Humor Times, USA Today, The Journal of Irreproducible Results and Unhinged Magazine, which is now defunct (not his fault).

A review of “The Bowdlerized Catcher in the Rye,” wherein numerous offensive expressions in the original are replaced.

T. Pardy: The Bowdlerized Catcher in the Rye

Tumbleweed Books, 2023 – Hardcover, 214 pages, $ 16.95

Ever since J.D. Salinger published The Catcher in the Rye in 1951, the famous novel has been banned in countless libraries and schools all over the planet, particularly in the USA. It was therefore only a question of time until someone would hit upon the idea of bowdlerizing the book.

In the title T. Pardy clearly alludes to the great English philanthropist Thomas Bowdler himself who in 1807 published the first edition of The family Shakspeare [sic] in which nothing is added to the original Text but those words and expressions are omitted which cannot with propriety be read aloud in a Family.

Since there are numerous offensive and vulgar expressions in Salinger’s novel, T. Pardy had a hell of a job to replace them by decent ones. Here are some typical examples.

In chapter 1 “that David Copperfield kind of crap” is replaced by “storytelling brought to perfection by Charles Dickens in his famous novel David Copperfield“.

In chapter 2 one reads, “… old Spencer had on this very sad, ratty old bathrobe that he was probably born in or something.” This is substituted by “… Mr. Spencer, well advanced in years, was wearing a somewhat worn out bathrobe he had presumably been given on the day that he was born.”

In chapter 12 Holden Caulfield meets Horwitz, an irascible taxi driver.  When Holden invites him to a drink, Horwitz answers, “I ain’t got no time for no liquor, bud.” This coarse wording, which is also grammatically incorrect, is replaced by “I fear I do not at present have the time for consuming any alcoholic beverages, my friend.”

Towards the end of chapter 17 Holden eventually says to Sally Hayes, “You give me a royal pain in the ass.” This utterly profane metaphorical expression is replaced by “I am afraid I do not presently enjoy your company.”

While these changes appear to be entirely justifiable, there are at times alterations which may cause concern. A case in point can be found in chapter 25 where Holden tries to rub out the f-word on the wall of Phoebe’s school. It remains perhaps doubtful whether this obscenity could actually be substituted by “Hi there!”.

However, all in all it stands to reason that even Salinger himself would quite possibly have preferred T. Pardy’s version of The Catcher in the Rye to his own original one.

Bernd Wahlbrinck is a former English teacher; he lives in Rheine in northwest Germany. He writes books, e.g. “The Time Machine, or Getting Rid of Donald Trump –
An Anthology of Science Fiction Stories”, “WITNESS Revisited: An Appreciation of Peter Weir’s Famous Film”, “Jim Jarmusch’s NIGHT ON EARTH: The New York Episode”, “Looking Back after 70 Years: J.D. Salinger’s CATCHER IN THE RYE Revisited”, “The Illustrated Companion to Thomas Berger’s LITTLE BIG MAN and THE RETURN OF LITTLE BIG MAN”, “Detecting Allusions in Mackenzie Crook’s DETECTORISTS”, “The Two Penguins Who Wanted to Fly – and Other True Stories, “German-English language Interference”, “A Brief Yet Indispensable Guide to English Pronunciation”, “Fascinating Scenes from Memorable Movies”. – In German: “Fabelhafte Limericks aus norddeutschen Landen”, “Merkwürdige Reiseberichte aus 8000 Jahren”, “Tote Metaphern leben länger”, “Nicht zu fassen: Rezensionen von Büchern, die nie geschrieben wurden”, “Hat die katholische Kirche den Limbus abgeschafft?”

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It has been confirmed by Press Extra reporter Voodoo Dupree that ‘America’s Happiest Couple,’ Taylor Swift and Anson Mount have just finished filming a commercial for McDonalds.

In the commercial the star of the hit western “Hell On Wheels” and the blonde songstress drive into a Mickey D’s drive-thru lane on two quarter horses and place their order.

The drive thru employee is shocked as she sees the two famous celebrities and she calls over nine of the employees who go outside and take selfies with the two mega stars.

Both Anson and Tay-Tay comment that they have been eating Big Macs and McFries since they were both knee-high to a grasshopper.

When I was young and dumb, my freshman year college CS program taught us Scheme. Now, thinking myself a rather accomplished C++ programmer by that point (I was not), I thought this was a bit of an insult. But I was still interested in learning new languages, so I chose to dabble in Perl.

And I remember having the audacity to suggest to my professors that Scheme was a terrible introduction to programming, and instead we should start the students with an easy and accessible language, like Perl.

As I said, I was young and dumb. Today’s anonymous submitter was handed some Perl code from their senior developer. Let’s take a look at what a real Perl master can do:

        $pageA = httpRequest("$adress ");
        $pageA =~ s/<.+?>|&.+?;//g;
        @tempA = split(/cj/,$pageA);

        for($i=0; $i<@tempA; $i++) {
           $tempA[$i] =~ m/$pattern/g; 
           if ($tempA[$i] =~ /$pattern/)
           {           
                $found = 1;
           }
        }      
        return $found;

We start by sending an HTTP request to fetch a page from $adress[sic]. We then… wait, those angle brackets in a regex. Oh no, are we parsing HTML via regular expressions. Well, no, not really. There won’t be any Zalgo here.

The regex matches an angle bracket, followed by one or more other characters, non-greedily, then another angle bracket. Or anything that has an ampersand followed by one or more characters, again non-greedily, then a ;. That is to say- it’s attempting to strip HTML tags and HTML entities out of the text. Of course, if you use an < for anything other than an HTML tag, or an & anywhere in the text, this will definitely break in interesting ways.

Then we split on cj. The c represents the start of a control-key escape sequence, so this is really ^j, which is apparently a method of representing line feeds. So it’s breaking on newlines, in just the most “write only language” way possible.

With that done, we can now walk through the array of lines. We start by doing a match on the current line, searching for a pattern. Then we… do the match again, but this time with an if statement. If there is a match, we set $found = 1 and then keep searching.

What’s “great” about this is that it only checks if a webpage contains a match and returns that. It doesn’t return the match. It downloads a whole page, strips anything that vaguely might be an HTML tag or character entity, and then checks for a match on every line, only to return whether or not there was one.

But again, the important thing: at least they’re not trying to parse it.

The correctional system as it now exists in America wouldn’t be appropriate for Trump. What to do?

Carl Augustas Menninger (1893-1990), the most prominent member of the family of psychiatrists who founded the famous clinic in Topeka, Kansas, published a controversial book in 1968, The Crime of Punishment, an uncompromising critique of America’s penal system.

For Menninger, the then system of incarceration was one in which the punishment was as dehumanizing as the crime. I don’t know if he would find today’s penal code any more enlightened, but it does seem to me, a non-penologist, that some other countries have instituted better forms of confinement that do more to rehabilitate those found guilty of crimes.

If former President Trump should be found guilty of any crime that a jury and judge deem worthy of “time” (not Einstein’s concept), the correctional system as it now exists in America wouldn’t be appropriate. As a former President, Mr. Trump is entitled to lifetime protection by the Secret Service; and, as guilty as he may be, it would not serve the stability and civility of America to observe him ranting in a prison yard.

In thinking about this dilemma, I recalled Michael Moore’s 2015 satiric documentary Where to Invade Next in which he records the treatment of prisoners on a Norwegian island where their primary punishment is lack of free movement in an environment that may prevent recidivism when released.

This form of punishment may seem like a Club Med holiday or an all-expense paid residence at Palm Beach’s glitzy Breakers Hotel, but we are dealing with a former President. In fact, Mar-a-Lago itself might be an appropriate Big House (as it is).

Okay, this would be too sweet a deal for someone who was quite willing to let his VP swing and ate a Big Mac (“big” is big with him) as he watched his Hessian mercenaries try to club democracy to death.

I think I have a better idea — at once humane and educational, not a Maoist form of Orwellian re-education. If found guilty, the presiding judge might encourage the Federal Correctional System to purchase or lease Charleston’s nearby Magnolia Plantation and revive it as a working farm where Mr. Trump might learn the meaning of honest labor.

He might learn as well to respect all Americans as he baled cotton in the company of fellow felons of varied backgrounds. He wouldn’t be required to sing any “sorrow songs” (spirituals), but, hearing some, he might become a more compassionate person. “More” would be easy.

Living in Florida, he’s accustomed to the heat and, since the facility would be on the banks of the Ashley and Cooper Rivers, he could have Renoir-like picnics with friends and relatives on visiting day. Again, I’m not encouraging a long sentence or anything like anti-Menninger harsh treatment.

He was president, after all, and he may be suffering a lifelong character disorder (a “borderline” case), so that diagnostic possibility should be examined. If confirmed, psychological treatment, not confinement of any kind, would be recommended.

Three months of picking cotton or three years of three times a week psychotherapy should move Mr. Trump a little closer to the center of the political spectrum (hmm…interesting word).

The former president deserves as many days in court as possible in which to be acquitted; and he’s more than likely to have many such days to benefit from our great judicial system, “great, really great.”

I can’t say I wish him “all the best,” given what available information seems to make obvious, but he deserves all benefits of the laws he probably has violated.

Howard R. Wolf meant to be a journalist, but backed into a Ph.D. and a rewarding academic career where teaching Literary Journalism at SUNY-Buffalo enabled him to sustain his early interest in the Fifth Estate. He first published in Horace Mann School’s The Record.

Emeritus Professor of English at SUNY-Buffalo

Howard R. Wolf is Emeritus Professor of English and Senior Fellow at SUNY-Buffalo and the author of three memoirs, a novel (Broadway Serenade), personal essays, and many short stories.A Fulbright Scholar in Turkey and South Africa,he is now putting together a collection ofstories, EXILES BY STARLIGHT, and a play, HOME AT THE END OF THEDAY. Mr. Wolf is a graduate of Horace Mann School, Amherst College(BA), Columbia (MA), and The University of Michigan (PH.D) where he won a Hopwood for fiction. Howard lives in Amherst, New York where he writes and cultivates a small garden.

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