Global auto manufacturers gathered in San Diego at the tri-annual WAMOS convention on Monday, to talk about the future of auto safety.
But one CEO in attendance, was more nostalgic about past safety ideas that worked very well, but have been abandoned for the sake of style and back-end profit.
“Bumpers were probably a very great idea,” admitted the head of one major European car maker. “I recently got in a minor fender bender, out in the countryside, in one of our latest E models. Unfortunately, the car was a complete write-off. I walked home,” he admits. “I could have spilled my latte! Very unfortunate circumstances. A bumper would have made all the difference.”
“But nobody wants bumpers anymore—too old fashioned,” our CEO told us. “That’s life.”
The CEO spoke anonymously, for fear that customers would find out that his cars can only stand a 5 mile per hour collision (yes, it’s french.) “After that, it’s more financially advisable for the driver to walk away from the car and find an alternative mode of transportation,” explained the CEO. “And don’t forget to take all the shit in your console,” he added. “I screwed that part up pretty bad. Good bye $500 Raybans, I guess. Whatever.”
Now, after years of cars being completely totaled after very minor traffic collisions, there does appear to be some honking from customers that bumpers were a damn fine idea, and should be brought back, no matter how ugly and silly they look outside a nice upscale restaurant.
“My super stylish SUV needed $13,000 in repairs—I hit a shopping cart!” tells a pretty cute mom at the grocery store we visited.
“I imagine a future where you could accidentally bump into a shopping cart, like that pretty momma, and not have the entire front end of your car replaced,” told our anonymous CEO. “Remember those days?”
But if cars never have useful objects mounted to the front and back of them again, at least these rouge, honking customers have the manufacturers changing future plans on other safety features.
“For now, we have scrapped all plans on eliminating headlights and side mirrors,” told our secret CEO. “Even though we think it would look very cool not to have headlights or bulky side mirrors, it’s probably best that we learn from this bumper thing, and keep those safety features in place.”
No word from the nation’s safety board on the ‘bumper-gate’ brewing, which has some autocratic conspiracy theorists wondering if the Biden regime isn’t getting kick-backs from the now very, very lucrative front-end auto body industry.
Which only leads this reporter to ask, ‘What exactly is Donny Jr. doing these days?’
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