Category: Humor

Victoria’s Secret is proud as hell to announce that they have just signed golfing sensation Holly Sonders to a very lucrative modeling contract.

Miss Sonders will be modeling her own line of sensible and fully supportive sportswear called, Holly’s Hole-In-One Outfits.

The extremely sexy Holly has been rumored to be dating former Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady. (No, that’s nothing to do with the story, but it’s good for SEO side-search keywords.)

Information guru Andy Cohen has learned that Tom is quite the playboy and he is also reported to be dating actress Reese Witherspoon, and Jeanie Buss, who is the owner of the Los Angeles Lakers. (Again, see the pattern here? I haven’t mentioned panties yet though. Oh, there I go.)

Meanwhile, Holly has also been linked with baseball great Albert Pujols. (No, I’ve never heard of him either.)

[EDITOR’S NOTE: So ladies and gentlemen stay tuned to see exactly who is dating who, who is sleeping with who, and who has very intimate pubic tattoos.] (Oh, I forgot this was supposed to be something about clothes…right? Gah. I can’t remember. Is Trump in prison yet?)

(SPORTS NEWS) – Sporting Chance Magazine writer Hercules Confetti has just broken the story that the greatest baseball pitcher of all-time has just opened up Ryan’s Fastball Chicken Diner in his hometown of Alvin, Texas.

Confetti noted that Nolan, who threw seven no-hitters during his career, is using a special Ryan family chicken recipe that has been handed down from generation to generation, starting with his great, great, grandmother Ida Sue Ryanovich, who immigrated to America from Moscow, Russia back during the carrot famine of 1921.

Confetti said he tasted some of Ryan’s chicken tenders and he remarked that they are damn delicious and they taste like imported Bulgarian butter and contain no fat, no sodium, no salt, and no extepianlytes. ■

The McDonalds menu food items department is always working overtime, and they have just come up with the latest food item addition.

A spokesperson for Mickey D’s said that their test kitchen in Cicero, Illinois, has come up with their latest and greatest McItem, the McPopcorn.

The new food item was tested by several well-known individuals including President Joe Biden, Katy Perry, Maria Sharapova, Barron Trump, and Yo Yo Afro Woke, and they all loved the heck out of it, especially President Joey, who called the new McPopcorn, “Yummylicious as hell.”

Cooked using oil from the friers and fat from the grill, the popcorn tastes like a hamburger and fries at the same time!

Meanwhile, famed movie star Britney Spears has said that as unbelievable as it seems, when she purchased her first order of McPopcorn, she actually had a 9.3 orgasm.

There is no doubt in anyone’s mind that Louisiana native Don “Lemonhead” Lemon, just got a little too big for his effen britches, as they say down in the swamps and bayous of mosquito-riddled Louisiana.

(Well, they probably don’t, but don’t worry.)

Lemon’s best friend, fellow gaylord, Anderson “Giggles” Cooper said that Donnie had it made, but he just let his sarcastic nature make remarks that his wallet just could not cash. (Miaow! If only anyone cares what AC thinks…)

It was one thing to cut down the most evil, hate-filled, vajayjay grabbing, racist, in history, aka Donald Trump, since everyone does that, including Melania and Ivanka, but Lemmy went way beyond the line; the acceptable line.

And so as they say down in Galveston, Texas, (they don’t, but, again, go with it), if you look down from the mountain top and start thinking that you are the king, someone will fire countless rocket rounds into your conceited ass, until the only thing left is a shirt collar, a pair of boxer shorts, and the memory of your better-than-thou attitude. ■

The FBI has uncovered a plot by two low-level members of the highly extremist group, The Proud Boys, who were going to steal Gov. “Shitface” Abbott’s million dollar wheelchair and throw it in the Gulf of Mexico.

Federal agents Clive P. Trailwood and Logan F. Havenhaus apprehended the two thugs as they sat in a booth at a local McDonalds in Austin.

The two had the plans for the wheelchair robbery written on a yellow page from a legal pad tablet.

When the two punk perps saw the two FBI agents they threw their Big Macs at the agents and tried to run out the side door, but an octogenarian old lady saw what was happening and she tossed her walker in front of the exit door and the agents were able to catch up to the two assholes and taser the shit out of them (literally). ■

Well ladies and gentleman, it is now official, Donald Jonathan Erasmus Trump, who many are calling the “Teflon Racist” has just informed the news media that he has chosen Guatemala native Sen. Ted Cruz to be his official 2024 presidential election running mate.

Cruz was vacationing down in Cancun with his two semi-cute daughters Cora and Dora and simply said upon hearing the news, “Well butter up my ass and call me a biscuit.”

Trump told one of his few remaining friends that he still has left, that Greg “The Swamp Creature” Gutfeld that the VP choice was between Teddy and his son Donald “Dopey” Trump, but he added that he was fearful that “Dopey” might not be able to pass the required drug test. ■

Welcome to the world of Instagram filters where everyone has huge butts, tiny heads, big muscles, thin noses and big eyes. It’s like looking at a weird world inhabited by human-alien hybrids. It’s mind-blowing that some people think this looks good.

Mike Luckovich of the Atlanta Constitution received two amazing honors in 2006, winning both a Pulitzer Prize and the Reuben award for Outstanding Cartoonist of the Year. This was the second Pulitzer for Luckovich; his first was awarded in 1995. He had previously received the Reuben award for Editorial Cartooning in 2001, but this was his first time to be named the overall outstanding cartoonist by a group of his peers. The Reuben awards are distributed each year by the National Cartoonists Society and are considered professional cartooning’s highest honor.

Impressive as these achievements are, they are only the latest in a long line of awards for Luckovich. He was a runner-up for the Pulitzer in 1987 before garnering the 1995 win.  In 1989, he won the Overseas Press Club’s award for the “Best Cartoons on Foreign Affairs for 1989,” and in 1991, he was awarded the National Headliners award for editorial cartoonists. In 1994, a Luckovich cartoon was selected by voters in a Newsweek magazine poll as one of the four best editorial cartoons of the year.

After freelancing and selling life insurance to make ends meet following his graduation from the University of Washington in 1982, Luckovich landed his first cartooning job at the Greenville News in South Carolina. After nine months at the News, Luckovich was hired by The Times-Picayune in New Orleans, where he stayed for four years before moving on to Atlanta.

Luckovich’s cartoons, syndicated nationally by Creators Syndicate, appear in more than 350 daily publications, including The Washington Post,The San Diego Union-Tribune, The Denver Post, Newsday, New York Post, The Cleveland Plain-Dealer, The Dallas Morning News, the Boston Globe, the Seattle Times, the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Tribune, the Nashville Tennessean and the Houston Chronicle, and are reprinted regularly in Time, Newsweek and the New York Times.

Luckovich and his wife, Margo, have four children. His hobbies include exercising and collecting unique ties.

The Whataburger corporate headquarters has just named their latest addition to their food item menu in honor of the Los Angeles Lakers great, Kobe Bryant.

The new burger has been christened The WhataKobe.

The national burger chain spoke with Mrs. Kobe Bryant, who informed them that she and her husband loved eating at the Whataburger, because the food is delicious, the drinks are great, and the ketchup is positively fabulous. And the trucks of cash which Whataburger delivers to the house are so convenient.

Kobe’s beautiful Latina widow, Vanessa, said that after every Lakers home game she and Kobe would take their three daughters to the Whataburger located in Beverly Hills.

She said her favorite food item was the WhataShrimp, Kobe’s was the WhataTamales, and the girls loved the WhataTenders. ■

Andreas‘s employer recently upgraded their SQL Server databases to the latest version. During that upgrade, something went wrong, and performance dropped off a cliff. Applications which used to be merely slow to taking hours to query the data they required. Clearly, something was wrong in the upgrade process, but Andreas wasn’t a DBA, so that wasn’t specifically Andreas’s problem. Instead, there were plenty of badly performing blocks of code- maybe now was the time to try and optimize them.

That’s where this block of Visual Basic comes from.

Function Is_BookingCorr(CustomerID, Section, DocumentType, Spezification)
Dim rst As ADODB.recordset

rst.Open "Protocol", CurrentProject.Connection, adOpenStatic, adLockOptimistic

With rst
  .Filter = "[CustomerID]='" & CustomerID & "'"
  .Filter = .Filter & " and [Section]='" & Section & "'"
  .Filter = .Filter & " and [DocumentType]='" & DocumentType & "'"
  .Filter = .Filter & " and [Spezification]='" & Spezification & "'"
  Is_BookingCorr = .RecordCount > 0
End With
End Function

This is an interesting WTF, in part because it doesn’t look like much of a WTF. The ADODB.recordset is one of our tools for querying a database in VB. So here, they open a database connection for a table called Protocol, set some filter properties, and then count how many records come back, which is the return value of the function (because VB lets you set the function name equal to the return value). Which, the obvious problem is: why not just use SELECT COUNT(*) as the query, instead of doing it on the client side? Instead of passing the name of the table in, you can just as easily pass a query in. Or use a ADODB.command object instead.

But that’s the obvious problem. If you look at that code, you’ll notice that there’s nothing in the code that actually says “run this query”. That’s because the Filter property automatically updates the dataset when you modify the value. Even worse, the ADODB.recordset type is from a different era- an era where your resultset objects were backed by open cursors on the database side. This means that, every time they modify the filter field, a command is sent back to the database to update the cursor to hold the results of the new query.

And it gets even worse. ADODB.recordset requires you to specify how that cursor is managed. In this case, they chose adOpenStatic, a cursor mode that copies the entire result set into memory– the purpose is to allow you to write programs that may take a long time to process data without fear that other transactions will alter the data that you’re seeing. But this isn’t a long-running process, it’s just a count, and the correct cursor for something like this would be the default: adOpenForwardOnly, especially when combined with an actual COUNT(*) query, which would be an atomic operation in the database.

They also chose an incorrect record locking option, but that at least is mostly harmless in this case- the adLockOptimistic only locks records when you try and update them, which doesn’t happen here. But the correct value would be adLockReadOnly in this case.

In short, the developer writing this code made a series of choices about how to execute these queries. And each and every one of those choices was wrong. It’s the worst possible way to run this query, and was not just performing badly on its own, but consuming resources in the database and making everything worse for every other operation too.

Converting this to a `SELECT COUNT(*) FROM Protocol WHERE…” didn’t solve the performance problems created by the upgrade, but it certainly helped.

The one good thing we can say about the original is that the Filter property won’t allow a SQL injection attack to happen.