Category: Humor

The BuzzFuzz News Agency (Russia) is reporting that a catastrophically disastrous earthquake measuring 7.9 on the Richter Scale hit the nation’s capitol.

The earthquake destroyed several Moscow bars as well as several beauty salons, a massage parlor, and a Burger King.

Russia’s National Weather Guild stated that the quake was triggered by a tsunami that hit the Siberian Sea, near the town of Svetlanagrad.

The Kremlin Voice divulged that the earthquake also destroyed one of Russia’s largest Russian salad dressing factories.

A spokesperson for The Comrades In Arms Russian Salad Dressing Factory stated that the entire supply of salad dressing was totally wiped out.

President Putin has already contacted Japan about trading some salad dressing for Vodka.

Left Coast Mirror Magazine reports that the Latin singing duo of Jennifer Lopez and Pitbull are flat out denying that they are involved in a passionate affair.

The two put on what is considered one of the most passion-filled concert performances of any couple in show business.

J.Lo who is a singer, dancer, actress, and maracas player has a sensuously erotic body that any woman half her age would love to have. Or twice her age…or, any age for that matter.

Husband Ben Affleck has stated many times that Jenny has a totally flawless body, adding she has no cellulite, no spider veins, no liver spots, no varicose veins, and no moles. Whereas Affleck is afflicted with all of these conditions. It’s rather sad seeing him squeeze into his 42″ waist pants in the morning.

Meanwhile Pitbull smiles and says that if J.Lo was not married to Ben, he would be all over her like peanut butter on jelly. ■

Mike Luckovich of the Atlanta Constitution received two amazing honors in 2006, winning both a Pulitzer Prize and the Reuben award for Outstanding Cartoonist of the Year. This was the second Pulitzer for Luckovich; his first was awarded in 1995. He had previously received the Reuben award for Editorial Cartooning in 2001, but this was his first time to be named the overall outstanding cartoonist by a group of his peers. The Reuben awards are distributed each year by the National Cartoonists Society and are considered professional cartooning’s highest honor.

Impressive as these achievements are, they are only the latest in a long line of awards for Luckovich. He was a runner-up for the Pulitzer in 1987 before garnering the 1995 win.  In 1989, he won the Overseas Press Club’s award for the “Best Cartoons on Foreign Affairs for 1989,” and in 1991, he was awarded the National Headliners award for editorial cartoonists. In 1994, a Luckovich cartoon was selected by voters in a Newsweek magazine poll as one of the four best editorial cartoons of the year.

After freelancing and selling life insurance to make ends meet following his graduation from the University of Washington in 1982, Luckovich landed his first cartooning job at the Greenville News in South Carolina. After nine months at the News, Luckovich was hired by The Times-Picayune in New Orleans, where he stayed for four years before moving on to Atlanta.

Luckovich’s cartoons, syndicated nationally by Creators Syndicate, appear in more than 350 daily publications, including The Washington Post,The San Diego Union-Tribune, The Denver Post, Newsday, New York Post, The Cleveland Plain-Dealer, The Dallas Morning News, the Boston Globe, the Seattle Times, the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Tribune, the Nashville Tennessean and the Houston Chronicle, and are reprinted regularly in Time, Newsweek and the New York Times.

Luckovich and his wife, Margo, have four children. His hobbies include exercising and collecting unique ties.

Every retail store and drug store in America has run out of The Michael Jordan Bull Brand Condoms.

The QuinniPinni Research Agency reports that it is now the number one selling birth control method in the entire nation.

The “Bully’s” as they have been nicknamed by the Kardashian sisters come in seven different sizes, shapes, and colors.

Michael Jordan, himself has stated that his favorite color is Basketball Orange.

The condoms are manufactured in America by The Boom Boom Boom Condom Company headquartered in Hackensack, New Jersey.

[INSERT JOKE HERE – something about rubber balls AND a rubber tip?]

Jose Altuve, super star with the world champion Houston Astros says that the lightweight condoms are reasonably priced and they come in 19 different colors.

[SEND HELP – EDITOR IN DISTRESS!]

Hugops to Feedly who seem to have run into a snag this week.

Feeder
Brent N. fretted
“Seems feedly’s update isn’t going well, with only 21 of 3 hours left to go.”

 

Emil L. snarked
“Shopping for a washing machine with the Swedish firm Elgiganten.
Still waiting for Kim to inform me about that not so hidden field among the product details”
I suspect this could be an unexpected outcome of a monolingual member in a polyglot team.

 

Big Spender
Cole T. flexes his wallet, look!
“PayPal apparently doesn’t place a limit on how big your donations can be. Also, using
exponential notation for monetary values should be a crime.” Agreed, especially
if you’re not going
to use a reasonable depth of precision. 3.0e22 is the proper figure!

 

Vriend
Wouter
writes
“Localizing legal texts, when organizing a competition
for example, implies more than just translating. You
also need to change any mentioned deadlines to the applicable
region, for convenience of the reader. Inventing a new
date is not part of the job description.
(Not to mention it’s a little bit weird how they mention
a deadline in the Netherlands timezone, but then tell
people not in the *Pacific* time zone to check the time in their region)”
That’s not the only thing that’s weird.

 

Regular reader
Lily White wants us to check this out.
“I have no idea what led to this OOM in my local library’s
entrance system (the form behind the dialog is a Remote Desktop/control tool)”.
My guess is time.

 

Gay Leaders in Frisco, as they like to call it, have released a press announcement that was both applauded and disliked within the gay community.

The Leaders said in a brief statement, that they will consider switching the letters around in the LGBTQAI+ acronym, primarily to make it way, way easier for newer members to remember.

‘Right now, we are looking mainly at the new acronym: BLIGQAT+,’ told the short message on its social pages.

“It’s kinda hard to forget once you’ve heard it. So, it serves its purpose. Way better than LGBTQIA+,” said a marketing manager familiar with the renaming, which has stirred controversy over the years as the acronym grew.

But in earlier test marketing studies, BLIGQAT+ had not gotten the reaction the Gay Leaders were hoping for from the community.

‘Sounds like a medical procedure,’ many have said. “And not a fun one, either.’

“Yeah, I’m not gonna ever be no BLIGQAT+” said Demi Sourpickle, who we asked about the name change outside a gay club in Frisco’s Castro neighborhood. “I’d way rather be a QILTBAG+ than a BLIGQAT+, thank you very much. I’m QILTBAG+ and proud of it!”

“Naw, BLIGQAT+ all the way,” said another patron of the bar, who said she’s been BLIGQAT+ for years. “I love it,” she adds. And had the tattoo to prove it.

Indeed, after several more opinions, there really does seem to be a growing split between BLIGQAT+s and QILTBAG+s — and it’s hard to say whose gonna win.

But, many others say that it’s only a matter of time before the Leaders turn that + sign at the end, into a few more letters, and yet another new name will become a heated topic.

“Man, they could really use a couple more vowels,” explained our marketing manager. “That plus sign at the end could be a game changer.”

{1 Comment}

Tickety Boo News reporter Grover Buck first broke the story about a Buckingham Palace guard actually being an Al-Qaeda operative.

Buck said that he got the scoop from record producer and businessman Simon Cowell.

Cowell reportedly heard the rumor from his landscaper, who is originally from Afghanistan.

Buckingham Palace spokesperson Nigel Foote met with King Charles and Queen Consort Camilla Parker Bowles, and in the interest of safety, the palace guard named Sham Tu Youseff has been relieved of his duty and is being interrogated by two members of Scotland Yard.

Meanwhile King Charles said that he will be replacing Youseff with a cousin of his ex-wife Princess Diane, Bernard F. Kryler.

The cost of wine will certainly be going up as a recent mudslide has destroyed over 30 of Italy’s best vineyards.

The mudslide nicknamed “II Fango,” struck at 3:33 am, Cleveland time.

Early reports are that two of “The Boot Country’s” major vineyards, Vino Fields 707 and The Gina Lollabridgida Wine Inc. were almost totally destroyed.

The executive director of the 707 said that the only thing that is not covered in mud are the Vino Fields 707 Souvenir Key Chains.

Local police said the director whines too much and is acting totally grape-nuts over the situation. When pressed for further comment, the officer said he had no more puns and vanished in a puff of banality.

Word from the office of Italian President Sergio “Grapes” Mattarella is that he is considering purchasing millions of grapes from the African country of Kamgooganda.

Which is nice…