There is no one in the entire United States who makes more TV commercials than Taylor Swift.
Tay-Tay has sung country, pop, blues, gospel, and even recorded a hip hop album with noted rapper Yo Yo Afro Woke.
And now The News Now News Agency is reporting that Swift, who is the girlfriend of TV Old West star Anson Mount, who appears on “Hell On Wheels,” has just signed to be the new spokeswoman for Non-Knock-Up™ birth control pills.
TNNNA reporter Cleopatra Dishmaker noted that the pills come in 19 different colors and are very easy to swallow as they are the size of a grain of salt.
SIDENOTE: Miss Dishmaker stated that Swift told her that the pills work extremely well as evidenced by Swift and boyfriend Anson Mount who have sexual relations 6 to 7 times a week.
I just learned that the original voice for Crash Bandicoot passed away earlier this year back in March. Dude didn’t just voice crash either he pretty much voice most of the original cast from N. Brio, N. Gin, Cortex(just crash 1) and tiny. RIP
According to the Vox Populi News Agency, avocado wedding cakes are now the most popular wedding cakes in the state of California.
The delicious avocado marital cakes are the brainchild of Burbank baker Shilo “Sugar” Coronado, who has been baking wedding cakes for celebrities for five decades.
Miss Coronado made the recent wedding cake for Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, as well as the divorce cake for Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen.
Shilo told VPNA reporter Tapioca Swizzle that she has always loved avocados, including avocado tacos, avacado toast, and avocado Margaritas.
She said she got the idea for making avocado wedding cakes one evening when she was watching an episode of “Wheel of Fortune.”
SIDENOTE: Miss Coronado proudly divulged that she will be baking an avocado anniversary cake for King Charles and his wife Queen Consort Camilla Parker Bowles for a baker’s fee of $25,000.
A strange new law is soon to come to America, which still insists that it has a separation of church and state.
Politicians, police, judges and other people in elevated places of power and prestige – those who control the lives and freedoms of others – can NOT be religious in any way, shape or form.
Bad news for Mitt Romney, of course, who takes more money from the NRA than any other GOP ‘cuz Jesus and Joseph Smith want him to – it’s God’s holy capitalist plan.
But it’s really bad news for over half of the Supreme Court.
Amy Coney-Barrett (so ice she got named thrice – yes, that says ‘ice’, not ‘nice’) can no longer belong to her religious cult where she lies down and lets a strange man hump her for Jesus (she must also scrape off the bumper sticker on her Porsche vowing, “I Hump for Jesus” … not if you wanna keep your job, Amy.)
There’s really only one way to separate the church and the state. Keep the church in church, and don’t let the parishioners get jobs beyond bingo caller.
You MUST be agnostic or atheistic to have a job as a judge, a cop, a politician, or possibly even a member of the military. Rules are made to be broken and re-written, so these new laws are still being written with about as much care as those that say abortion is illegal because some 300-year-old British law says so.
Amy must either give up her job or her god … (she’ll understand this): “You cannot serve God and mammon, Amy” … so which is it? (The religious really hate when you use their scriptures against them … can God contradict Himself in the same passage? The Prince of Peace is wrecking up the money-changers table! Jesus wept!)
Amy Coney Bunny has to make up her mind by Christmas (oh the irony!). You may see her behind the cash register at a Whataburger asking “Would you like Jesus with that? I mean … sigh … would you like to Super-Size my Hump my Hump, my lovely lady lumps … sigh … I used to be a Supreme Court judge, elected to power by a corrupt president who’s closing in on jail … special sauce?”
We’ve all seen Twitter and all it has to offer. Since Elon took over there are more ads from bizarre companies than ever. What a capitalist age we live in.
But no, I’m not talking about that. Nor about all the Go Fund Me or Only Fans Twitter Hos. Sell your body for $3.50 a day, and you too can live in a highrise and drive a Maserati and cuddle with your fav Pomeranian as you stick your ass into the camera and ask, “Wanna be my slave?”
But no! I’m not even talking about those gals (and some guys).
I’m talking POPEYE FIGHTS!!!!
The chicken chain in the USA may soon be holding the UFC Championship in one of its many locations.
Ding Ding, goes the bell, and Shawanda is ready to rumble against Shaniqua – who dissed her man and insulted her fat ass and now MUST PAY!
As uniformed Popeye employees deftly maneuver around the fighters in baggy sweatshirts and advertising track pants (brand marketing gets endorsement deals … just sayin’, ladies) without themselves getting pulled into the rumble, the gals yank each other’s hair extensions and smack and slap and maybe bite until finally on of them falls.
Shaniqua jumps on top of her fallen foe and straddles her to bring the secret weapon – the HAMMER FIST!
Oh no you di’n’t!
Wham wham wham and wake me up before you go-go – but that slut ain’t getting’ up any time soon – not until the employees speed-dial the cops – who take their sweet time showing up and ordering a bucket of legs and thighs and some plastic-tasting macaroni salad!
Gravy costs extra – Extra – EXTRA!!!
And still, no one knows why Popeyes is the place for all the best and brightest (and largely female) fighters. Something in the chicken? I’ve never been to one of these establishments, but if they have a special sauce that fires up the blood … then BRING ON THE PAIN!
If you want to see two or more girls beat the living shit out of each other – but only after they’ve finished their Bucket ‘O Crispy Chicken Necks – then head on down to Popeyes.
You don’t have to chug a can of spinach to get into the chicken coop of death … just dis that ho’s man – and IT IS ON!!!!!
Reports filtering out of Madison Avenue are that the new “Hell On Wheels” Condoms, which were designed with Anson Mount (aka a rugged man) in mind are selling like beer at a New York City sports bar.
The new condoms were designed to be 100% effective in preventing the ‘knocking up’ of a man’s wife, fiancee, girlfriend, or a one night stand.
Mount himself, who is the boyfriend of the sultry, blonde, singer Taylor Swift, notes that the rubbers are affordably priced and come in seven popular designer colors including Prairie Purple, Bunkhouse Burgundy, Gunslinger Green, Outlaw Orange, Stampede Silver, Desperado Denim, and Bucking Bronco Bronze.
SIDENOTE: Mount said that his girlfriend Taylor’s favorite condom color is Stampede Silver.
John Deering is chief editorial cartoonist for the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, the state’s largest newspaper. Five times a week, his cartoon comments entertain (or sometimes enrage) readers throughout Arkansas, in Washington, D.C., and across the country.
Winner of the National Press Foundation’s 1997 Berryman Award, Deering also gained top honors in the 1994 national John Fischetti Cartoon Competition and was the seven-time winner of the Arkansas Press Association’s Best Editorial Cartoonist award.
Deering’s work is collected in two books: Deering’s State of Mind (1990) and We Knew Bill Clinton … Bill Clinton Was a Friend of Ours (1993, with Vic Harville). He is a 14-year member of the American Association of Editorial Cartoonists.
Born in 1956 in Little Rock, Deering has been drawing since his childhood fascination with science fiction and dinosaurs — subjects he made into comic books. After studying art with Truman Alston, Deering focused on commercial and fine art at the University of Arkansas at Little Rock. Along the way, he found his strength in interlocking art with comment.
At the Democrat-Gazette, Deering advanced from layout artist to editorial cartoonist in 1981-82. His promotion to chief editorial cartoonist in 1988 made his cartoons the state’s best-known. Deering also creates the comic panel Too Much Coffee.
He and his wife, Kathy, have a daughter and two sons, and live in Little Rock. He still draws dinosaurs.
Check out his comic strips, Zack Hill and Strange Brew.
One of the greatest players to ever dribble a basketball, Charles Barkley, has said that he supports the LGBTQ community.
He noted that he knows several members of extremists groups who are closet gaylords and lesbionics.
He then commented that he supports Anheuser-Busch 118% and noted that he personally drinks a case of Bud Light every day.
Meanwhile anti-gay singer John Rich, who is rumored to ride sidesaddle when on his 3-acre Alabama ranch, said that Charles needs to lose about 115 pounds.
SIDENOTE: When Barkley heard what the midget country crooner Richie Rich had said he commented that when he sees little Johnny he will turn him into ‘Joanie’ quicker than he can say ‘cowgal bloomers.’
The QuinniPinni Polling Agency reports that members are leaving the NRA like gazelles running from a pack of hungry lions.
A rep of the reputable polling agency said that the members are tired of the verbal abuse that they have been receiving from the evangelical people of the midwest, the south, and even from countries such as Scotland, Portugal, Norway, and Switzerland.
An NRA spokesman stated that if this mad exodus keeps up the NRA will be bankrupt within 13 months.
One life time NRA member, Freeda P. Ficklefoo of Eau Claire, Wisconsin stated that she is sick and tired of her NRA dues going up every two months.
She said that she needs the money to pay for food, water, Geritol, Compound W, Netflix, and Preparation-H.
International Inquirer reporter Paco Tabasco, who is a close friend of gazillionaire Elon Musk, owner of Tesla Motors, reports that sales of the brand new Tesla Police Car are hitting astronomical proportions.
The new law enforcement vehicle is outselling Musk’s other transportation creations including the Tesla dump truck, the Tesla cruise ship, the Tesla fighter jet, the Tesla cement truck, the Tesla 18-wheeler, and even the Tesla submarine.
Tabasco has stated that the cities of Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, and Walla Walla have all decided to switch over from their regular police cars to the new Tesla police cars.
A spokesperson for Tesla noted that the new Musk cars can travel at speeds of up to 190 miles per hour, they have a hood mounted AR-15 semi-automatic rifle, and they can travel for up to 800 miles on a single tank of gas.
The sheriff of Oxnard, California recently said that his police department will be replacing their police vehicles with the Teslas and he grinned as he said that the criminal element will soon be shit-out-of-luck, as they say in Vegas.
Tapeworm infections can cause various health problems, so it’s not really appropriate to joke about them. We are every ashamed that we did. Please forgive us, dear visitors!
“This is my grandfather. The butt on the left is his long time girlfriend, and the butt on the right is my aunt. She is a physical therapist trying to help her with her back pain.”
Mark Zuckerberg. Caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg.
MARK ZUCKERBERG
I’m Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubby. I’m the biggest of the four. I dine on McDonald’s triple cheeseburgers with my friend Donald Trump. We call him Noo-Noo, because he’s orange.
MARK
Sorry, Mr. Duncan. I was FaceTiming a story with my little daughter.
JERRY
No problem. Thanks for being here.
MARK
I’ll regret it.
JERRY
Absolutely. You’ll wish you were in the hot seat in Congress again.
JERRY
You’re 39 years old. At 23, you became the world’s youngest self-made billionaire. You are the 11th wealthiest person in the world.
MARK
It doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor. At the end of the day, it’s night. But it’s nice to know I have $85 billion dollars and you don’t. Na na na na na.
JERRY
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that, nerd.
JERRY
You’ve had your share of lawsuits. Had to settle a case with three men for 1.2 million shares of Facebook, and $20 million in cash for pilfering a business idea that made you millions when you were at Harvard.
MARK
I made up for my discretions, Duncan. I established the Chan Zuckerberg initiative to help the global economy by transforming lives of the underprivileged.
JERRY
Chan? Did you really say Chan?
MARK
Yep.
JERRY
Any relation to Charlie Chan? I love his old movies.
MARK
Not that Chan. My wife Priscilla Chan. Old Chinese saying around our house. “Man who eat many prunes get run for money.”
JERRY
I also have a saying. “Don’t barf in the Apple Store, because they don’t have Windows.”
MARK
I don’t get it.
JERRY
Call Bill Gates. But I’m warning you, Bill is in a bad mood. He’s still upset his ex-wife kept the house, and he just got the windows.
MARK
Not good.
JERRY
The American public has concerns. You don’t have control over the content of your company. Anybody can spread lies and you give them a platform. The Russians interfered with our elections in 2016 and 2020. The Chinese did the same thing in the 2022 midterm. What’s up with that?
MARK
It wasn’t a threat to democracy.
A call comes through that is heard on the console.
JERRY
Speaking of threats to democracy, Republican Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene wants to join our conversation.
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE
Hey, Zuckerberg. What’s the big idea of suspending me on Facebook? I told the truth about mask mandates being like the Holocaust.
MARK
You repeatedly violated our rules about spreading misinformation.
GREENE
You’re stupid. Does underpants protect you from a fart? I have free speech. It’s in the Thirtieth Amendment.
JERRY
(Shakes head in disbelief)
Did anyone ever tell you that you’re a moron?
GREENE
Just my parents.
JERRY
C’mon. There’s got to be more people.
GREENE
Okay…my kids.
JERRY
Tell the truth, Blunder Woman.
GREENE
Congress, the American public, God. Are you satisfied?
JERRY
I am.
GREENE
Good. I have an important message for your listeners.
JERRY
Go ahead.
GREENE
(to listeners)
If you’ve been a victim of Jewish space lasers, call 1-800-445-6300.
MARK
You’re an anti-Semite!
GREENE
My fearless leader Donald Trump said, “There are very good people on both sides.”
JERRY
Not on your side, QAnon mom. Mark Zuckerberg and Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene everyone. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show (c) Dean B. Kaner
Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.
According to Timeless Magazine, Donald J.E. Trump, aka The Orange Shithead, is still the most hated man in the entire US of A.
Trump is more hated than Bernie Madoff, Charles Manson, O.J. Simpson, Greg Gutfeld, Ann Coulter, Bill Cosby, and Benedict Arnold.
Even three of the Trumptwit’s own cousins have stated on the record that ‘Old Baby Fingers,’ needs to go to prison and spend the rest of his evil days making license plates and fighting off black inmates who hate him more than they hate ingrown beard hair.
Meanwhile the richest woman in American, Oprah Winfrey has gone on record saying that she hopes that Trump gets eaten up by a Florida crocodile.
LOS ANGELES—Putting down their picket signs and picking up knives, striking SAG-AFTRA members announced Friday that they would disfigure their gorgeous faces if a contract with the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers was not reached by midnight tonight. “Good luck finding your next heartthrob when every last one of us has carved horrific scars into their beautiful symmetrical features!” said Ryan Gosling, one among thousands of Hollywood’s most attractive actors who had agreed to permanently alter their good looks if the studios did not meet them at the bargaining table in good faith. “You think I won’t do it? I’ll fucking do it. Margot Robbie is standing on a diving board above a vat of acid as we speak, and Michael B. Jordan has already sworn he’ll never do another squat. You think anyone’s going to watch season two of The Last Of Us if Pedro Pascal cuts his nose off?” At press time, the trade union’s character actors were reportedly threatening to become gorgeous through cosmetic surgery if a fair contract was not reached.
The Secret Service concluded its investigation into the small bag of cocaine found at the White House and has been unable to identify a suspect. What do you think?
“I bet they could’ve figured it out with 18 months of congressional hearings.”
James Wooley, Unemployed
This Week’s Most Viral News: July 14, 2023
“I guess we’ll never know who in the White House was fun.”
