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Category: Humor

Humor | ReportWire publishes the latest breaking U.S. and world news, trending topics and developing stories from around globe.

  • Financial Problems Force Ron DeSantis Campaign To Fire Wife

    Financial Problems Force Ron DeSantis Campaign To Fire Wife

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    TALLAHASSEE, FL—Faced with declining contributions as the Florida Republican competes to win his party’s nomination for the White House, Gov. Ron DeSantis’ presidential campaign announced Monday that financial problems had forced it to fire his wife, former television host Casey DeSantis. “In order to remain competitive as we prepare for next year’s primaries, we had to make some tough decisions, and unfortunately Mrs. DeSantis will no longer be a part of our team,” said campaign manager Generra Peck, explaining that, ultimately, her job was to get Ron DeSantis to the finish line, and Casey DeSantis was an unnecessary luxury. “We’re in a period of tightening our belts, so all her responsibilities of being a supportive spouse who champions her husband will be divided among the remaining campaign staffers. Once the financial situation improves, we could possibly hire her back as a part-time spousal contractor to pose for photos as DeSantis’ wife every now and then, but right now her role is not economically feasible.” Peck added that the campaign was already looking to replace DeSantis’ children with cheaper migrant labor.

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  • Every US retail outlet has run out of the WNBA sheer mesh panties

    Every US retail outlet has run out of the WNBA sheer mesh panties

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    Sportsapalooza writer Pia Confetti has stated that retail stores Walmart, Target, and Fiddle Faddle have all run out of the new WNBA panties.

    Confetti noted that the new undies come in sizes S, M, L, XL, XXL, and XXXL – though, good luck finding those again…

    She noted that the majority of the panties are being purchased by husbands and boyfriends for their wives or girlfriends. Or sisters and cousins. Sometimes the same person.

    One very popular gentleman, who looks a lot like a very young Brad Pitt said that he bought a pair for his wife and a pair for his (two) girlfriends – possibly to share…one leg each?

    SIDENOTE: The commissioner of the WNBA Cathy “Cutey” Engelbert said that The Lady Godiva Panties Company of New York City paid the WNBA $17 million for the rights to use the WNBA logo.

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  • Bird Drawings: Extremely Accurate And Anatomically Correct

    Bird Drawings: Extremely Accurate And Anatomically Correct

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    Have you ever considered bird watching as a hobby? These bird drawings might come in handy: created by illustrator Tommy Siegel, these pics might serve as valuable tools that aid a newbie birder in his identification and documentation efforts.

    Anatomically correct bird drawing.

    Anatomically correct bird drawing.

    Anatomically correct bird drawing.

    Anatomically correct bird drawing.

    Anatomically correct bird drawings.

    Anatomically correct bird drawing.

    Anatomically correct bird drawing.

    Anatomically correct bird drawing.

    Anatomically correct bird drawing.

    Anatomically correct bird drawing.

    Anatomically correct bird drawing.

    Anatomically correct bird drawing.

    Anatomically correct bird drawing.

    Anatomically correct bird drawing.

    Anatomically correct bird drawing.

    Anatomically correct bird drawing.

    Anatomically correct bird drawing.

    Anatomically correct bird drawing.

    Anatomically correct bird drawing.

    Anatomically correct bird drawing.

    Anatomically correct bird drawing.

    Anatomically correct bird drawing.

    The post Bird Drawings: Extremely Accurate And Anatomically Correct first appeared on Crazy Funny Pictures.

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    liver

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  • Chris Britt for Jul 17, 2023 – Chris Britt, Humor Times

    Chris Britt for Jul 17, 2023 – Chris Britt, Humor Times

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    Chris Britt’s political cartoons are sometimes controversial, often outrageous and always thought-provoking. His take-no-prisoners style has been entertaining readers since 1991.

    A self-described liberal, Britt nevertheless delights in skewering deserving politicians of every persuasion. His numerous awards include first place for editorial cartooning from the Washington Press Association in 1995, the National Press Foundation’s Berryman Award as editorial cartoonist of the year in 1994, and the Sigma Delta Chi Award for editorial cartooning from the Society of Professional Journalists in 2009.

    When he’s not cartooning, Britt volunteers as a mentor for high-school students and at a stay-in-school program. Before joining The State Journal-Register, he was a cartoonist at The Seattle Times, the Sacramento Union, the Houston Post and The News Tribune of Tacoma, Wash.

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  • The FBI has a video of Trump stealing White House silverware

    The FBI has a video of Trump stealing White House silverware

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    Ipso Facto News writer Sinclair Petaluma, said the FBI has surveillance video of Trump stealing silverware from the White House kitchen.

    Petaluma personally took an independent poll of Trump supporters, and he found that only 7% say that they would support him in a 2024 presidential run.

    93% of his Kool-Aid drinking followers say that they would rather support a drunk duck than support an Unamerican who stole money from every tax-paying American, and a bigot who tweets at all hours of the night attacking anyone who does not look like him.

    One of his staunchest supporters 98-year-old Roberta Tittarelli, of Corn Cob, Iowa, said she would not vote for Trump if he offered to buy her dentures, a year’s supply of Preparation-H, and a motorized walker. ■

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  • The nation’s number one lipstick is Cover Chick Cosmetic’s ‘Sultry’

    The nation’s number one lipstick is Cover Chick Cosmetic’s ‘Sultry’

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    The lipstick industry has just gotten the biggest boost since waterproof lipstick as “Sultry,” by Cover Chick Cosmetics has just hit the cosmetic market.

    According to a representative with CCC, the new lipstick has several secret ingredients that make it not only waterproof, but that also make it the most lasciviously luscious lipstick in the lipstick business.

    It has even overtaken the “dog lipstick”, first popularised by the hit TV show Family Guy in 1999, as the nation’s favourite.

    “Sultry” has an ingredient named Wowalicious, which is made from the belly buttons of beavers.

    One of the properties of Wowalicious is that when a woman who is wearing the lipstick kisses her husband, boyfriend, and or both, it sends a libidonous shock wave through both of their lips which end up stirring up the sexual hormones. Let’s just say It makes a dog’s lipstick pop out in a split-second!

    SIDENOTE: To view a passion-filled video of a woman and man engaging in amorous kisses go to www.sultrylipstickpassion.hotdog.

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  • DXL

    DXL

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    Managing requirements for even a simple project is a nightmare. As projects get more complicated, "requirements management" mutates into "systems engineering". The requirements for, say, an entire IT migration, or an automobile, or a lunar lander turn into a tree of requirements, where each implementation step is traced back to an overall master requirement at the root of the tree. Five to one, your average project isn't this complicated, but you don't want to ship a product missing features and have to say "it slipped my mind".

    Enter a certain large vendor's Dynamic Object Oriented Requirements System (DOORS). Doors allows the requirements for a large, complicated product, to be organized into objects which are further organized into modules, where each object is a requirement, paragraph, section, table, figure, or anything that explains the nature of requirements.

    Greg L's team adopted DOORS for managing their requirements. Unfortunately for them, DOORS stored all its data in a proprietary database. If you wanted to automate anything in DOORS, or even if you just wanted to say "show me this requirement, its siblings, and all of its ancestors", you needed to learn the Doors eXtension Language (DXL).

    DXL was not the kind of language that would make you get up and dance. No, it would make your average developer an unhappy girl.

    For example, if you wanted to access the currently opened object, you could use the keyword current, but current was only available when using the assignment operator. You could assign to (and from) current, but not do anything else. Unless you're in a loop. Then it's fine.

    Property names on objects were allowed to have spaces, and many of the default properties did, so get used to writing o."Object Text" = "some text".

    Speaking of spaces, a single space was the concatenation operator. So, this would be one way to print out a list of variable values: print i " " r " " s " " d " " b "n". It's also worth noting that non-string variables, like integers, can't be printed out unless they're converted to strings, which can be done via concatenation to an empty string: `print i " "

    Strings are also stored in a global string table. Each time you create string literals the entire literal ends up in that table and will live there for ever, so if you keep building strings incrementally, you'll very quickly fill up that table and crash the application with an out of memory error.

    Why is it like this? Well, we could say that people are strange, but the reality is that DXL was the kind of thing one employee invented to make their work easier, and then management and customers got wind of it and demanded that it be included in the product.

    Once there was an extension language, internal developers had to use that extension language, which means many features in DOORS were implemented in DXL. That includes the very obvious feature of "export your requirements as a human-readable word document".

    I'll let Greg explain:

    At some point in the application's lifetime it became apparent that users might want their requirements documents exported to Word or Excel. They could have implemented this by adding a feature to DOORS, but instead the vendor chose to provide some DXL scripts for this task. This required thousands of lines of DXL, most of which is poorly formatted and not commented in any way. If you have the misfortune if needing to tweak it (as I did) then you will find this little gem at around line 335:

    // insert some text
        // cycle through styles
        // delete the text
        /*
            We have to go through this sorry farce because Word in it's infinite wisdom
            keeps track of whether or not styles have been used.  If they haven't, and
            some text is pasted in in a style which has the same name as one which already
            exists, then the style is updated to match what is in the clipboard, rather
            than keeping it's own formatting properties.
    
            The last thing we want to do is overwrite styles in the current template,
            so we make sure that they are all used before we start
        */
    

    This comment doesn't explain the whole logic, but it hints at the awfulness involved. DXL was not used to create a Word document directly. No, it used the Windows copy/paste buffer and COM+ automation libraries to interact with a running Word program directly. So it was all hacks: throw text in, use all the Word styles, and then delete the text (to enable all the default styling in Word), then lock the copy buffer, and spend the next few hours copy/pasting from DOORS to Word. And yes, it took hours for this job to run, and it ran on your desktop (since it needed a running copy of Word), which meant you couldn't use copy/paste for the duration of the run.

    Greg adds:

    After four years of writing DXL (and re-writing what was provided by the vendor) I eventually moved to a different job, where I am able to "conveniently forget" that I know anything about DOORS and their nightmare of a language.

    Tell all the people that using DOORS isn't a walk down Love Street, but at least Greg was able to break on through (to the other side).

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    Keep the plebs out of prod. Restrict NuGet feed privileges with ProGet. Learn more.

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  • King Charles says that he is seriously considering buying Wembley Stadium

    King Charles says that he is seriously considering buying Wembley Stadium

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    Hold onto your scarves footy fans because King Charles recently spilled the beans to none other than our roving reporter, Petula Tart, from The Ta Ta For Now News Agency. And what’s all the buzz about? A little bit of football, a lot of royalty, and a dash of schoolyard nostalgia!

    The new king, known for his passion for the ‘beautiful game,’ revealed that he and Camilla, the Queen Consort, are giving serious thought to buying Wembley Stadium.

    When Prince Charles was just a lad, he and his schoolyard chums used to love playing with their balls in the schoolyard. Fast forward to today, and he’s contemplating owning the legendary Wembley turf.

    What’s even more charming is his wish to rename the stadium in honor of his dear mum.

    The king’s grand idea was sparked when he caught the Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin rocking Wembley two years ago. Since then, he’s been brainstorming how to host epic royal rock concerts, with him featuring centre-stage, rocking it out on the bagpipes.

    As for Wembley Stadium, it’s no stranger to the spotlight. Since its grand opening in 2007, it’s played host to a spectacular mix of events, from musical extravaganzas to rugby showdowns, croquet tournaments, thrilling boxing matches, unforgettable football clashes that stirred the nation, and even a dog grooming (no, not that kind of grooming) competition hosted by disgraced national treasure Phillip Schofield.

    SIDENOTE: The Royal Fog Research Group, our trusted source for all things royal, estimates the cost of this dream at a princely £1.49 billion (or $1.49 billion if you prefer). King Charles’ football spectacle dreams are certainly kicking off with a royal twist!

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  • The sales of Elon Musk’s new Tesla Convertible are shooting through the ‘roof’

    The sales of Elon Musk’s new Tesla Convertible are shooting through the ‘roof’

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    Elon Musk and his ingenious team at Tesla Motors have once again left the world agog with their latest creation – the ultra-modern Tesla Transformer Convertible!

    Musk, the wizard behind the wheels, proudly announced that the new convertible features a built-in light mister, which provides a refreshing, misty breeze to the driver and passengers. But that’s not all; hold onto your hats folks because here’s the kicker – it comes complete with a Margarita maker! Yes, you heard that right, a Margarita maker right in your car! It’s quickly become the car’s most sought-after feature, making every road trip feel like a beachside fiesta.

    And in a gesture as grand as the car itself, Elon Musk personally presented the very first Tesla Transformer Convertible off the assembly line to none other than President Joe Biden and First Lady Jill Biden. It’s safe to say they won’t be missing Sunday mass anytime soon.

    As for POTUS himself, he gleefully shared his plans for their new set of wheels: “Jill and I will be rolling up to church on Sundays in this fantastic machine, with two Secret Service agents lounging in the back seat and two more running beside the car, just in case we need a little extra horsepower!”

    This is one ride that’s transforming the way we think about cars, and who knows, maybe one day it’ll transform into Optimus Prime and lead the Autobots into battle against the Decepticons!

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  • Larry Nasal gets into scuffle at Florida prison

    Larry Nasal gets into scuffle at Florida prison

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    Weirdo News: In an ironic twist, former doctor Larry Nasal was attacked in prison after a comment he allegedly made while watching the women’s Wimbledon tennis tournament, according to sources familiar with the case. He confessed to having a crush on Serena Williams.

    Nasal, was attacked by an inmate who wanted fame and international recognition. The news media refused to mention his name, to prevent him from becoming a celebrity. The inmate was sent to prison for chasing people at a park with a wood club.

    Nasal plans to sue the prison system for cruel and unusual punishment because they didn’t house him in the Alderson Federal Prison Camp in West Virginia, due to his high profile status. The prison knew Nasal would be attacked and they put his life in danger by not segregating him from the general population. Lawyers for Nasal plan to sue for 12 million dollars which will be used for his long term medical cost and therapy.

    Politicians who said they would make America great again, seem to have fallen short on their promise, from Nasal’s point of view.

    Wierdo News is owned by Horror Movie Studios in Hollywood.

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  • Khloe Kardashian admits that yes, she recently dated a Taliban hitman – but only once

    Khloe Kardashian admits that yes, she recently dated a Taliban hitman – but only once

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    In a surprising twist that had Bedroom Pillow Talk reporter Carolina Chipotle’s eyebrows reaching for the stars, she dared to ask the towering Khloe Kardashian about a peculiar rumor circulating in the celebrity cosmos – was she really dating a hitman from the Taliban terrorist organization?

    Khloe, with a grin as wide as a California sunset, casually sipped her Avocado Margarita, looking every bit the daredevil. With a chuckle, she confirmed the audacious claim: “Yep, I did go on a date with none other than Vu Khan Rabeen, the Taliban’s very own hitman extraordinaire!”

    Before you jump to conclusions, dear readers, Khloe was quick to clarify that this unlikely rendezvous came about thanks to her dear friend Demi Lovato, the matchmaker extraordinaire.

    But here’s the kicker – neither Khloe nor Demi had a clue about Vu’s secret life as a Taliban terrorist! Apparently, he’s squeezed out more enemies than a toothpaste tube, and rumor has it, he recently bumped off a Proud Boy operative while the poor fellow was chomping down on a Big Mac at a Mickey D’s in sunny Playa Del Rey, California.

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  • America’s top female spy, Lady Chatterley, is a mistress of disguises

    America’s top female spy, Lady Chatterley, is a mistress of disguises

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    President Biden recently commented at a dinner in honor of America’s number 1 spy, code name: Lady Chatterley, that he wishes the US had half a dozen female spies, as talented, as gorgeous, and as sexy as LC.

    She has dated Russian President Vladimir Nikita Putin, and she was easily able to learn where every one of Russia’s 1,492 Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles are located.

    Lady Chatterley, was recently approached by Playboy Magazine and offered $3 million if she would agree to pose in a centerfold layout titled, “Lady Chatterley – The World Hottest, Sexiest, and Horniest Female Spy.”

    [PUBISHER’S NOTE: According to information guru Andy Cohen, “LC” has slept with many world leaders including North Korea’s Kim Jong-un, Afghanistan’s Gen. Abu Taboo Fashu, and Chinese leader Xi Jingping.

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  • Mike Luckovich for Jul 16, 2023 – Mike Luckovich, Humor Times

    Mike Luckovich for Jul 16, 2023 – Mike Luckovich, Humor Times

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    Mike Luckovich of the Atlanta Constitution received two amazing honors in 2006, winning both a Pulitzer Prize and the Reuben award for Outstanding Cartoonist of the Year. This was the second Pulitzer for Luckovich; his first was awarded in 1995. He had previously received the Reuben award for Editorial Cartooning in 2001, but this was his first time to be named the overall outstanding cartoonist by a group of his peers. The Reuben awards are distributed each year by the National Cartoonists Society and are considered professional cartooning’s highest honor.

    Impressive as these achievements are, they are only the latest in a long line of awards for Luckovich. He was a runner-up for the Pulitzer in 1987 before garnering the 1995 win.  In 1989, he won the Overseas Press Club’s award for the “Best Cartoons on Foreign Affairs for 1989,” and in 1991, he was awarded the National Headliners award for editorial cartoonists. In 1994, a Luckovich cartoon was selected by voters in a Newsweek magazine poll as one of the four best editorial cartoons of the year.

    After freelancing and selling life insurance to make ends meet following his graduation from the University of Washington in 1982, Luckovich landed his first cartooning job at the Greenville News in South Carolina. After nine months at the News, Luckovich was hired by The Times-Picayune in New Orleans, where he stayed for four years before moving on to Atlanta.

    Luckovich’s cartoons, syndicated nationally by Creators Syndicate, appear in more than 350 daily publications, including The Washington Post,The San Diego Union-Tribune, The Denver Post, Newsday, New York Post, The Cleveland Plain-Dealer, The Dallas Morning News, the Boston Globe, the Seattle Times, the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Tribune, the Nashville Tennessean and the Houston Chronicle, and are reprinted regularly in Time, Newsweek and the New York Times.

    Luckovich and his wife, Margo, have four children. His hobbies include exercising and collecting unique ties.

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    Mike Luckovich

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  • A top Al-Qaeda spy is arrested watching the Yankees and the Astros at Yankee Stadium

    A top Al-Qaeda spy is arrested watching the Yankees and the Astros at Yankee Stadium

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    One of Al-Qaeda’s leading spies, Hanji Mir Azis was recently arrested as he sat in Yankee Stadium watching a game between the Yanks and the world champion Houston Astros.

    Mir Azis is considered to be one of the world’s most prolific spies, who has managed to infiltrate the governments of Portugal, the United Kingdom, Russia, Kamgooganda, and Costa Rica.

    The Al-Qaeda spy, who is married with nine children was allegedly attending the game with a member of the New York City Rockettes, who has been identified as Marcia Markalini, 29.

    Amidst the chaos of the arrest, mischievous the Yankee’s 3-year-old bull-mastiff team mascot decided it was the perfect moment to make a move and humped Mir Azis’ leg which was broadcast in graphic detail on the stadium’s Jumbotron.

    SIDENOTE: When Mir Azis was asked by an arresting officer, which Yankee is his favorite he replied, “Oh dat’s an easy one bro, Aaron Judge hands down.”

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  • The WNBA names Britney Spears Sports Bra the best in the business

    The WNBA names Britney Spears Sports Bra the best in the business

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    The Sports Bet Gazette has just revealed that the new Britney Spears Sports Bra has just been named “The Best Sports Bra in The Sports World” by the Women’s National Basketball Association.

    Kia Nurse with the Seattle Storm stated that she has has worn a total of nine different sports bras, but she adds that her very favorite one is the Britney Spears Sports Bra.

    Unfortunately, they’re naively marketing it as the BS Sports Bra, bit of an oversight by the marketing department!

    Nurse who wears #0, noted that this bra is extremely lightweight, weighing only .3 ounces, but it gives her the tit separation that she has grown to expect from a sports bra.

    SIDENOTE: Zorro La Bamba with the SBG noted that of the 12 WNBA teams, eleven of them have embraced the Britney Spears Sports Bra. The only team that does not is the Minnesota Lynx due to the fact that the owner of the team has his own line of sports bras called Land of Lakes Sports Bras.

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  • Madonna aka ‘The Material Grandmother’ admits that her voice has left the building

    Madonna aka ‘The Material Grandmother’ admits that her voice has left the building

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    The Daily Dirt is reporting that Madonna the ‘has been’ singer recently told reporter Stormy Coin that she can no longer hit the high notes so she is going to have to hang up her microphone.

    Madonna whose real name is Madonna Louise Pepperonia Cic…

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  • The stand up comedian who invented the ‘Punch Line’ turns 99

    The stand up comedian who invented the ‘Punch Line’ turns 99

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    BuzzFuzz reporter Taffeta Kixx reports that Paul “The Ragin’ Cajun” Punch has just celebrated his 99th birthday.

    Punch, who was a stand up comedian, is credited with having invented the comical routine ‘Punch Line.”

    The “Ragin Cajun” at one time was the number one comedian in Las Vegas. In fact he wrote one-liners for such famous stand up comedians as Ricard Pryor, George Carlin, Kevin Hart, Gabriel Iglesias, and the Tijuana Torreador Juanito Loquito.

    Punch grew up in the bayous of South Louisiana, where his family was so poor that their main meal was swamp twigs.

    He had 14 brothers and sisters who could not go to school because they had no clothes, no shoes, let alone pencils and protractors.

    SIDENOTE: One of the greatest comedians of all times, Jonathan Winters said of Paul Punch, “On sheer comedy, Paul was a 9. I was a 6. He always enjoyed our meals for two.”

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  • Eric Serman is not giving up his fight against Tigers Wood

    Eric Serman is not giving up his fight against Tigers Wood

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    Gay News: After his lawsuit against the famed rugby star was rejected by a Florida state judge in May, sneaky tranny Serman asked the court to reconsider but got denied by the same judge on June 2.

    Serman was born Mary Lovelace. At the age of 18-years she transitioned into a strong man who then identified as a female looking tranny who is bisexual. Confused? Take an aspirin.

    And now he’s filing an appeal, prolonging a case that’s full of holes.

    Serman, Wood’s ex-girlfriend, filed a notice of appeal Friday that states he is taking his case to the Fourth District Court of Appeal in Florida, according to court records found in a dumpster outside a South Beach crazy golf course. His lawsuit seeks to release him from the non-disclosure agreement (NDA).

    But Serman said he doesn’t remember signing it and even cited new federal laws that invalidate NDAs and forced arbitration agreements. Serman never complained when the alleged incident happened. He stayed with Wood throughout the year’s, to get more and more sex out of him.

    What Serman and his Mafia lawyer forgot to tell the judge is that her finger prints and DNA are on the NDA. Yes, a major credibility issue.

    Judge Elizabeth Taylor didn’t buy these arguments, however. She ruled in favor of Wood and sent the case back to private arbitration.

    It’s the biggest story in the history of the world, found in Golddiggers Magazine.

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