Category: Humor

Clarence Thomas is riding high these days, thanks to his rich and famous “friends.”

Once again, billionaire benevolence bedevils Supreme Court Associate Justice Clarence Thomas, as new revelations about his acceptance of largesse at the hands of the rich and famous have emerged.

In April, Thomas was linked to billionaire megadonor Harlon Crow, as Thomas’s receipt of expensive trips, lodgings and gifts surfaced in a report by ProPublica. Today, additional revelations were disclosed, including:

At least 26 chartered airplane flights and 8 helicopter rides, to as many as 38 exclusive, luxury destinations, including fishing trips, vacations, and generalized ass-grabbing.

A yachting trip to the Bahamas. Also aboard the vessel were 14 employees of a Georgetown Hooters restaurant, who reportedly performed lap dances for Thomas and his wife Ginni.

At minimum, twelve admissions to exclusive pro and college sporting events, including entry to Skyboxes. In one incident, Thomas reportedly became intoxicated and “grabbed a USC cheerleader” and had to be physically restrained with animal tranquilizers.

Several flights on a 737 aircraft, dispatched exclusively for Thomas’ use. The 5-hour round trip, from D.C. to South Florida, costs more than $130,000. Said Justice Thomas in a Washington Post op-ed: “I travels first class! Why not? Alito ain’t goin’ steerage.” And, when questioned by peers, Thomas allegedly remarked that, “for that much dough, I coulda’ had a romp with Stormy Daniels.”

Speaking of Alito, in 2008, Supreme Court Associate Justice Samuel Alito was treated to an elaborate Alaskan salmon fishing trip by billionaire conservative Paul Singer, and when a case came before SCOTUS involving Singer, Alito declined to recuse himself. “Hey,” declared Alito, “I owed the dude, alright?” Rumors have surfaced that a Singer aide, Chewey Bulgar, clandestinely baited Alito’s hook.

Republican congressional leaders have been less than forthcoming in their appraisal of ethics as practiced–or not practiced–by the High Court. Said Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell (R. KY): “I have total confidence in our Supreme Court Chief Justice (John Roberts) to deal with these internal court issues itself.” When questioned further, the Kentucky Senator admitted that he “hasn’t yet decided” what the terms “internal,” “court,” “itself” and “total confidence” really stand for, in the context of his remarks. McConnell has proposed naming a bipartisan committee to investigate the matter.

Long-serving Senator Chuck Grassley (R. IA) agreed, deriding Democrats’ “needless uproar over honest mistakes that don’t violate any laws and don’t violate any ethics.” When questioned further on the relevant ethics, a female Grassley congressional aide explained that the senator “had to take a pill” and “was unavailable.” The aide, who refused to give her name, was dressed in a caftan and looked curiously like Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.

In speaking of Justice Thomas, Jeremy Fogel, a former federal judge and long-serving panelist on an oversight committee monitoring judges’ financial disclosures, said that he “didn’t remember seeing this degree of largesse bestowed on anyone.” He did, however, make a parenthetical reference to former president Donald Trump’s brief stay at a Russian Ritz-Carlton hotel, where he reportedly watched prostitutes urinating on one another in a bed once occupied by President Obama and his wife. “That’s first-class service,” he remarked, “for number one.”

Bill Tope is a retired (caseworker, cook, construction worker, nude model for art classes, and so on) who lives with his mean little cat Baby.

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Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host broadcasts live from Hollywood, in support of actors and writers on strike.

ANNOUNCER

Live from Hollywood, or from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Not really. Today on the show my guest is my late mother Maggie Duncan.

MAGGIE DUNCAN

I love you, Jerry. Tell me that you love me back.

JERRY

Should I kill myself now or after the show?

MAGGIE

It’s up to you. I won’t say a word.

JERRY

Folks. We’re standing in the picket line in front of Paramount Studios to show our support for the screen actors and writers.

MAGGIE

You bet. 86% of actors make an average of $26,000 a year. Writers make less. That’s bupkis.

JERRY

(staring out in the crowd)

Huh?

MAGGIE

Were you listening? What are you looking at?

JERRY

Hot babes. I don’t know where to start first.

MAGGIE

Is that why you showed up?

JERRY

Yes and no.

MAGGIE

Explain, genius.

JERRY

Yes, I’m here to support everyone. And no, I’m not leaving without a date.

MAGGIE

(excited) Look. It’s Margot Robbie!

JERRY

(shouts) Barbie doll, Jerry Duncan here! I’m in love. How old are you?

MARGOT ROBBIE

I know who you are. Few women admit their age, Duncan. Few men act it.

JERRY

Can I have your phone number?

ROBBIE

I’m married, loser.

JERRY

Mean girl. Good luck in Hollywood. They’re out of plastic. The Kardashians took it all.

MAGGIE

Don’t take it personally. Your father was a loser, too. He lived at home with his family.

JERRY

Let’s move on to the TCL Chinese Theatre to see the 200 hand and footprints of movies stars.

MAGGIE

Do you have a foot fetish?

JERRY

Yes.

MAGGIE

People with foot fetishes never win.

JERRY

Why?

MAGGIE

Because they like the taste of defeat.

A writer approaches Jerry.

JERRY

Who are you?

WRITER

I’m a writer.

JERRY

And I’m the President of the United States.

JERRY

How bad is it for you?

WRITER

I’m broke. I just want a slice of the pie.

JERRY

Then go to work at Marie Callender’s. They give employee discounts.

WRITER

You don’t understand. We want residuals for shows streaming. And protection from artificial intelligence. I could be replaced.

JERRY

Artificial intelligence can’t replace human beings. It’s not designed to be useless.

WRITER

Thanks Mr. Duncan. Good to know. I feel better already.

MAGGIE

Hurry up, Jerry. We need to join the picket line at Walt Disney Studios.

JERRY

I always wanted to meet Mickey Mouse.

MAGGIE

He’s not there.

JERRY

Where is he?

MAGGIE

Mickey went into space to find Pluto.

JERRY

My mother Maggie Duncan. Stand with the screen actors and writers on strike.

Dean Kaner
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.

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“This photo was taken at West Coast Game Park Safari located in Bandon, Oregon around 2000. As we walked into the park my sister saw a baby goat and picked it up while I was feeding one of the deer. Next thing I know I am bombarded by deer and goats. My parents snapped the photo of my cute sister without seeing me in the background.”

(submitted by Emily)

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

An interplanetary mob boss says Earth’s America is a paradise for any criminal looking for a new base of operations.

In an exclusive communique to SNN crime reporter Aide N. Abette OneZnarzo, Capo de Capo of the Mafia on Planet Zardoc states that if you are a criminal, American cities are the place to ply your trade.

He said, “Large American cities are hog heaven for a criminal. They’re running out of cops and all the DA’s are concerned only with Donald Trump.”

Mr. Oneznarzo also went on to give his list of the six best American cities to live in if you’re a lawbreaker:

6. San Francisco, California — You can go to ‘Frisco and steal Nob Hill or Steph Curry. Hey if they can break into Nancy Pelosi’s house and headwhup her old man, it’s all free. But you better hurry cause businesses are packing up and gittin’ outa town. Only cops in town are in that Steve McQueen “Bullitt” flick.

5. Los Angeles, California — You got movie stars, million dollar rappers, Beverly Hills super-rich stores, Hollywood, all kind of zillion dollar stuff to rob. Steal the walk of fame even. And they’re running outa cops. LAPD is 1000 cops short. And they got the World Cup and the Olympics coming… LA is thieve’s paradise.

4. St. Louis, Missouri — Last year this was named the Most Dangerous town in the USA. You can kidnap the St. Louis Cardinals. This place is so bad, even the cops have to have bodyguards.

3. Washington D.C. — America’s capitol of crime… you can rob people on the street corner or the train station, nobody cares. Last year, the DA dismissed 67% of the arrests the cops made. Kidnap MTG, or heist a Biden. Steal the Redskins.

2. NYC — If you rob a bodega and the owner takes a shot at you, he goes to jail. Steal Yankee Stadium or rob the Fox News Channel. Last year a guy ran through the subway smearing his shit on passengers and got off. The Manhattan DA only wants to put Trump in jail, not everyday criminals. Hold Broadway for ransom.

And the Number 1 city to live in for lawbreakers is… Chicago — There’s a shootin’ every 10 seconds, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They got a new mayor that thinks if you let somebody steal the Magnificent Mile, it makes up for slavery back in the day. Steal the Cubs or the Bears. If you get caught, there’s no bail, you walk. Problem with Chitown is that you’ll probably get shot on the way to your next caper. To quote Sinatra, “Chicago is my kinda town.”

Mr. Oneznarzo stated that the Zardocian Mob had planned to leave the Planet Zardoc and relocate to America, but decided that it was too dangerous.

SNN Words to Live By

“Guns are America.” — Capt. Barney Miller (Hal Linden), Barney Miller 70’s TV show.

“Passion exhausts the heart.” — Germaine Greer, writer.

“Don’t lose your temper because nobody wants it.” — Pro golfer Carol Mann.

“You May be bad, but you can be had.” — Pro Wrestler Bob Armstrong.

Ted holland attended college for four years. The year that he bothered to go to class he studied history. He majored in throwing quarters in the jukebox in the Student Union canteen and minored in a girl named Marsha. His books include This Day In African American Musicand B Western Actors Encyclopedia.

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