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Category: Humor

Humor | ReportWire publishes the latest breaking U.S. and world news, trending topics and developing stories from around globe.

  • Sean Hannity Says He’d Use MMA Skills To Protect Himself In A Mass Shooting

    Sean Hannity Says He’d Use MMA Skills To Protect Himself In A Mass Shooting

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    Fox News host Sean Hannity used the devastating Lewiston shooting to bring up his own “personal security plan” that involves using his mixed martial arts training to protect himself during a mass shooting. What do you think?

    “Smart. A mass shooter would surely take pity after seeing something that pathetic.”

    Maggie Ramirez, Swingers Advocate

    “It takes a true independent thinker like Hannity to come up with an idea like punching someone.”

    Tom Gomez, Scent Investigator

    “I could totally see him choking out a bullet.”

    Dylan Pino, Unemployed

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  • It Wasn’t Enough For Us To Do Matching Outfits

    It Wasn’t Enough For Us To Do Matching Outfits

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    “Mum, an avid seamstress, thought it would be a great idea to make the family matching outfits for Christmas and was inspired by the family dog, Saxon.”

    (submitted by Vicki)

    The post Spotty appeared first on AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com.

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    Team Awkward

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  • Republicans Explain Why They Support An Election Denier As House Speaker

    Republicans Explain Why They Support An Election Denier As House Speaker

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    Newly elected House Speaker Mike Johnson of Louisiana was a vocal supporter of Donald Trump’s efforts to overturn the 2020 presidential election. The Onion asked House Republicans why they unanimously selected an election denier as their leader, and this is what they said.

    Rep. ​Ron Estes (R-KS)

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    “Our two-party system of government works best when one party accepts election results and the other doesn’t.”

    Rep. George Santos (R-NY)

    Rep. George Santos (R-NY)

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    “Lord knows I’ve been asking my colleagues to overlook some shit.”

    Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA)

    Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA)

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    “Why would I abandon the strategy that got me this far?”

    Rep. Dan Crenshaw (R-TX)

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    “As the representative of a grossly gerrymandered district, I kind of forgot elections were a thing.”

    Rep. Chip Roy (R-TX)

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    “It seems like he never recovered from his parents’ divorce, so I thought the speakership might cheer him up.”

    Rep. Mike Johnson (R-LA)

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    “That’s not fair. A lot of my colleagues voted for me because of how much I hate gays.”

    Rep. Elise Stefanik (R-NY)

    Rep. Elise Stefanik (R-NY)

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    “If America didn’t want us empowering election deniers they would have voted the right way and not forced our hand.”

    Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA)

    Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA)

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    “Because I’m going to be raking in seven figures lobbying for Wal-Mart by next year so who gives a fuck.”

    Rep. Paul Gosar (R-AZ)

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    “Anything’s better than that cuck Paul Gosar taking charge.”

    Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH)

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    “He said I could use the speaker’s office when he goes home for the night.”

    Rep. Greg Pence (R-IN)

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    “He had the little ‘R’ next to his name.”

    Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO)

    Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO)

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    “How are we supposed to deny the results of the next election if we don’t have a speaker?”

    Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA)

    Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA)

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    “My entire existence is centered around not making Donald Trump mad.”

    Rep. Nancy Mace (R-SC)

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    “We need to make Mr. Trump feel good. I mean, look at him: He’s mad all the time. Like, all the time! Don’t you just want to do something nice for a big ol’ grinch like that?”

    Rep. Patrick McHenry (R-NC)

    Rep. Patrick McHenry (R-NC)

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    “The beautiful thing about elections is that they’re subjective, like a work of art. They’re not determined by who had the most votes, but by which candidate spoke most eloquently to your heart.”

    Rep. Barry Loudermilk (R-GA)

    Rep. Barry Loudermilk (R-GA)

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    “At the end of the day, we all just want what’s best for our wealthiest constituents.”

    Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL)

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    “Because we’re laying groundwork to steal the next election. Was that not clear?”

    You’ve Made It This Far…

    You’ve Made It This Far…

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  • John Deering for Oct 27, 2023 – John Deering, Humor Times

    John Deering for Oct 27, 2023 – John Deering, Humor Times

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    John Deering is chief editorial cartoonist for the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, the state’s largest newspaper. Five times a week, his cartoon comments entertain (or sometimes enrage) readers throughout Arkansas, in Washington, D.C., and across the country.

    Winner of the National Press Foundation’s 1997 Berryman Award, Deering also gained top honors in the 1994 national John Fischetti Cartoon Competition and was the seven-time winner of the Arkansas Press Association’s Best Editorial Cartoonist award.

    Deering’s work is collected in two books: Deering’s State of Mind (1990) and We Knew Bill Clinton … Bill Clinton Was a Friend of Ours (1993, with Vic Harville). He is a 14-year member of the American Association of Editorial Cartoonists.

    Born in 1956 in Little Rock, Deering has been drawing since his childhood fascination with science fiction and dinosaurs — subjects he made into comic books. After studying art with Truman Alston, Deering focused on commercial and fine art at the University of Arkansas at Little Rock. Along the way, he found his strength in interlocking art with comment.

    At the Democrat-Gazette, Deering advanced from layout artist to editorial cartoonist in 1981-82. His promotion to chief editorial cartoonist in 1988 made his cartoons the state’s best-known. Deering also creates the comic panel Too Much Coffee.

    He and his wife, Kathy, have a daughter and two sons, and live in Little Rock. He still draws dinosaurs.

    Check out his comic strips, Zack Hill and Strange Brew.

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    John Deering

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  • High Salary Should Be Payed To Incompetent Workers

    High Salary Should Be Payed To Incompetent Workers

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    It makes no sense that high salaries are offered only to skilled employees. Accomplishing the same tasks when you don’t know what you’re doing is much more challenging.

    The post High Salary Should Be Payed To Incompetent Workers first appeared on Crazy Funny Pictures.

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    liver

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  • Diamondbacks Owner Admits Nothing Will Top Beating Yankees After 9/11

    Diamondbacks Owner Admits Nothing Will Top Beating Yankees After 9/11

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    ARLINGTON, TX—When asked about whether he was looking forward to his team’s upcoming World Series matchup against the Texas Rangers, Arizona Diamondbacks owner Ken Kendrick admitted to reporters Friday that nothing would ever top his team beating the New York Yankees right after 9/11. “Sure, winning another World Series would be nice, but it won’t hold a candle to winning against that post-9/11 Yankees team that for once had all of America behind them,” said Kendrick, adding that he would never forget the looks on the faces of New Yorkers who were searching for something hopeful in the aftermath of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and had those hopes dashed completely. “Honestly, not making it to the World Series for over 20 years has been absolutely worth the wait, given how we took the wind right out of their sails. They had the president come throw out the first pitch and had all this patriotic support because people felt bad for New York for once, and our team went out there and basically stomped on the heart of America. It was the one time people would have been okay with the Yankees winning, and we didn’t let them. When Luis Gonzalez hit that bloop single to win Game 7 in a walk-off and we prevented the nation from healing from 9/11 in some small way, well, that’s a feeling that no World Series will likely ever eclipse.” Kendrick added that beating the Yankees after 9/11 gave him all the satisfaction he needs in a lifetime, and so he doesn’t give a shit whether or not the Diamondbacks win this World Series.

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  • Look, Up In the Sky!

    Look, Up In the Sky!

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    "My FB got HACKED" wrote an anonymous contributor.
    "Verification codes box sooo not funny 🤦🤦🤦🤦" Not just one facepalm, but four.


     

    Equanimous sportsball fan
    Carlos
    wrote
    "Maybe being equidistant to Chicago and OKC got this game
    blacked out for me. Whatever the reason, it looks like
    Sling left a loophole for bypassing the blackout (for
    someone else to exploit, not me.)" If you don't care about the audio.

    game

     

    Generous
    Will B. knows it is better to give than
    to receive, elaborating
    "I don't mind giving $undefined to my friends and family,
    but I need more information before I agree to receive it."

    undef

     

    "Another Sorting Fail" chirped
    Stuart L.
    "So the car's 15,000km service comes after the 145,000km
    service, which is after the 144,000km service. Clearly
    my brain isn't big enough to understand the ordering of
    things. It also seems apparent that text input boxes are
    passé – they're SO 1990s." Just as with the flubstitutions,
    we need a name for this genre of errors. Proposals, anyone?

    srt

     

    Finally, yet another anonymous contributor found us a cut Brazilian
    who precociously served in the Italian Government at the remarkable age
    of only five years old.
    "Google apparently could not distinguish a Public Works
    Minister of Italy from a MMA Fighter in the UFC," they inferred. There's
    another attribute of Sr. Costa which intrigues me. Apparently, he's a bird.
    Or a plane?

    costa

     

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    Lyle Seaman

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  • This Pose Says A Lot About Us As A Family

    This Pose Says A Lot About Us As A Family

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    “We’re a close knit family in case you didn’t notice.”

    (submitted by Lindsay)

    The post The Klingers appeared first on AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com.

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    Team Awkward

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  • Dad Wanted To Remember This Moment, For Some Reason

    Dad Wanted To Remember This Moment, For Some Reason

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    “I’m the cute little kid in the back. I was about 4 years old and for some reason me and my identical twin brother got the bright idea that it would be fun to go outside and take a whiz on the street. When we came back inside the house, my mom asked us where we went, and we told her. Then my dad got a brighter idea, went and grabbed the camera, and made us go stand in front of our puddles.”

    (submitted by IG _sunyata_karuna_)

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    Team Awkward

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  • A Timeline Of The GOP House Speaker Debacle

    A Timeline Of The GOP House Speaker Debacle

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    After struggling to coalesce around a new House speaker for more than three weeks following the ouster of Kevin McCarthy, Republicans have confirmed Mike Johnson of Louisiana in the role. The Onion looks at the key moments of the GOP speakership debacle.

    Read more…

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  • Andy Marlette for Oct 26, 2023 – Andy Marlette, Humor Times

    Andy Marlette for Oct 26, 2023 – Andy Marlette, Humor Times

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    Born and raised by underpaid public school teachers in Sanford, Fla., Andy Marlette graduated from the University of Florida and became staff editorial cartoonist at the Pensacola News Journal in 2007.

    Marlette received a priceless editorial cartoon education while living with his uncle and Pulitzer Prize-winning cartoonist Doug Marlette in Hillsborough, N.C. Doug’s tragic death in July of 2007 made evermore poignant the elder Marlette’s fierce and faithful devotion to the art form of editorial cartooning as a cornerstone of American free speech. With this in mind, Andy works daily to learn and uphold the disciplines and values passed on to him by his late uncle.

    Andy’s editorial cartoons have become both hated and adored by daily readers. His work has been awarded by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors for best editorial cartoons on state issues and former Governor Charlie Crist referred to himself regularly as Marlette’s biggest fan, despite the fact that he was also regularly a target in cartoons.?  

    Marlette has also illustrated two published children’s books co-authored by Orlando Sentinel sports columnist Mike Bianchi, as well as a recently published children’s book about a carrot-eating dog titled “Harry Loves Carrots.”

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    Andy Marlette

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  • Mike Luckovich for Oct 26, 2023 – Mike Luckovich, Humor Times

    Mike Luckovich for Oct 26, 2023 – Mike Luckovich, Humor Times

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    Mike Luckovich of the Atlanta Constitution received two amazing honors in 2006, winning both a Pulitzer Prize and the Reuben award for Outstanding Cartoonist of the Year. This was the second Pulitzer for Luckovich; his first was awarded in 1995. He had previously received the Reuben award for Editorial Cartooning in 2001, but this was his first time to be named the overall outstanding cartoonist by a group of his peers. The Reuben awards are distributed each year by the National Cartoonists Society and are considered professional cartooning’s highest honor.

    Impressive as these achievements are, they are only the latest in a long line of awards for Luckovich. He was a runner-up for the Pulitzer in 1987 before garnering the 1995 win.  In 1989, he won the Overseas Press Club’s award for the “Best Cartoons on Foreign Affairs for 1989,” and in 1991, he was awarded the National Headliners award for editorial cartoonists. In 1994, a Luckovich cartoon was selected by voters in a Newsweek magazine poll as one of the four best editorial cartoons of the year.

    After freelancing and selling life insurance to make ends meet following his graduation from the University of Washington in 1982, Luckovich landed his first cartooning job at the Greenville News in South Carolina. After nine months at the News, Luckovich was hired by The Times-Picayune in New Orleans, where he stayed for four years before moving on to Atlanta.

    Luckovich’s cartoons, syndicated nationally by Creators Syndicate, appear in more than 350 daily publications, including The Washington Post,The San Diego Union-Tribune, The Denver Post, Newsday, New York Post, The Cleveland Plain-Dealer, The Dallas Morning News, the Boston Globe, the Seattle Times, the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Tribune, the Nashville Tennessean and the Houston Chronicle, and are reprinted regularly in Time, Newsweek and the New York Times.

    Luckovich and his wife, Margo, have four children. His hobbies include exercising and collecting unique ties.

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    Mike Luckovich

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  • Chris Britt for Oct 26, 2023 – Chris Britt, Humor Times

    Chris Britt for Oct 26, 2023 – Chris Britt, Humor Times

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    Chris Britt’s political cartoons are sometimes controversial, often outrageous and always thought-provoking. His take-no-prisoners style has been entertaining readers since 1991.

    A self-described liberal, Britt nevertheless delights in skewering deserving politicians of every persuasion. His numerous awards include first place for editorial cartooning from the Washington Press Association in 1995, the National Press Foundation’s Berryman Award as editorial cartoonist of the year in 1994, and the Sigma Delta Chi Award for editorial cartooning from the Society of Professional Journalists in 2009.

    When he’s not cartooning, Britt volunteers as a mentor for high-school students and at a stay-in-school program. Before joining The State Journal-Register, he was a cartoonist at The Seattle Times, the Sacramento Union, the Houston Post and The News Tribune of Tacoma, Wash.

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    Chris Britt

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  • End this Date Now

    End this Date Now

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    Once upon a time, someone wanted to store date ranges in a database. And so, they started down the obvious path of having two columns, one to hold the starting date of the range, and one to hold the ending date. But even going down that route, they tripped and fell, because they ended up with two database fields name Startdate and StartdateStart. Startdate was the end of the period.

    You might be thinking, “Well, at least they used the database datetime types,” but on that front, you’d be wrong. They used text, and in some cases, instead of Startdate holding a date, it held a string in the format 22-08-2022 to 27-08-2023.

    Someone had to write code to parse that data, and that someone did the job and then left. Which meant Niels H had to support the resulting C#.

    private static void ComputeDates(string Period, ref DateTime Startdate, ref DateTime Enddate)
    {
      var Temp1 = Period.Split(" to ".ToCharArray());
    
      var Temp2 = Temp1[0].Split('-');
      Startdate = new DateTime(int.Parse(Temp2[2]), int.Parse(Temp2[1]), int.Parse(Temp2[0]));
    
      Temp2 = Temp1[4].Split('-');
      Enddate = new DateTime(int.Parse(Temp2[2]), int.Parse(Temp2[1]), int.Parse(Temp2[0]));
    }
    

    Most of this code is pretty typical bad date handling code. We split the string on " to ", to give us our dates. Then we split the substrings on "-", to get our date parts. Then we construct a datetime out of the results.

    Obviously, using the built-in functions would be better. They do all this work for temp variables but then they reuse the same variable to hold different things, which I can’t say I love either. But that doesn’t rise to a WTF. It’s one specific confusing line that gets us there:

    Temp2 = Temp1[4].Split('-');
    

    Why a four? The code works, so this is correct, but we split on " to ", so I’d naturally expect the array to be ["22-08-2022", "27-08-2023"].

    Except we didn’t split on " to ". We split on " to ".ToCharArray(). The C# split function is highly overloaded. If you give it a string, it splits on the string. If you give it a character, it splits on the character. If you give it an array of characters, it treats each individual character as a split point.

    The resulting array is ["22-08-2022", "", "", "", "27-08-2023"].

    Converting the split string into an array is such a specific choice, I can only assume that the developer responsible didn’t understand the various overloads of Split, and instead saw it done this way once, and has done it that way ever since. I will even guess that they figured out that 4 was the correct index by trial and error. I have no concrete evidence, but it feels right for this kind of mindless copying.

    [Advertisement]
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    Remy Porter

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