Dear Eric: I’ve been friends with a girl for at least 10 years. Recently she had a birthday and our circle of friends planned on going to a local bar to celebrate. I decided not to attend because I wasn’t able to afford a $10 cover charge. I told her that and she seemed to be OK with it.
But then I noticed that I wasn’t hearing from her like I usually did. I asked another friend, and they said they were under the impression that she was upset and disappointed with me because I didn’t go out for her birthday, so I sent her a text apologizing and saying that I really couldn’t afford it and that I live from paycheck to paycheck and I thought she’d understand.
She responded by saying she understood because she lives from paycheck to paycheck and also that she considered me a close friend and that she was upset and disappointed I didn’t then come out for her birthday and she went on to say that if it hadn’t been on her actual birthday she wouldn’t have minded as much, which never made any sense to me.
She also said she needed time and that she should eventually get over it. Well, it’s been three months, and I haven’t heard anything. I feel like texting her again to say if she doesn’t consider us friends anymore then I would like to know because I have some stuff, she asked me to keep at my house, and I would give it back.
I told two of my other friends and they feel she’s being childish about the whole thing. What are your thoughts?
— Weary Friend
Dear Friend: She’s being more than childish; her response is unfair and uncaring. She’s allowed to make whatever plans she wants for her birthday — and everyone deserves to feel special — but she’s also an adult and adults understand that sometimes we can’t afford to do things we want to do. Adults also understand that special occasions can happen anytime. After the age of, say 16, missing a birthday party is not a reason to sever a friendship.
If she’s not serious about wanting to rebuild this friendship, then returning the items you’re holding for her and wishing her well is the best option.
Dear Eric: My younger brother (54 yrs) is a chronic alcoholic. He’s now developed Cirrhosis and he has little time left.
I’m his older sister, who realized more than 30 years ago that binge drinking and alcoholism seemed to affect us siblings, so I stopped, completely.
I never got on his case about his drinking, but we drifted apart due to his excessive drinking and the erratic behavior it brought out.
Sadly, this diagnosis is what has brought us back together. I call him weekly, talk about funny stories from the past and try to keep his spirits up.
We lost a sister years ago, when she was 7 years old, to a childhood illness. My parents were devastated as it was sudden and unexpected. My mother is gone, but my father, still going strong in his 90s, is still with us.
My father lives too far away to visit my brother and they only rarely talk on the phone. There are four adult children in our family.
There is a disagreement as to whether we should tell my father. I believe that a parent has the right to know. They have been through more than their adult children give them credit for and should be able to say goodbye. Others are saying we shouldn’t say anything because “it could kill dad.”
There is no question my brother will pass before my father. Do you think a parent should be told that their child is sick and passing?
— Sad Sister
Dear Sister: I’m so sorry for the pain that your brother is experiencing and the pain your family is going through. There are no easy options here but there is a clear answer — your father deserves to know.
While I am empathetic to the concerns your family members have about not upsetting him, they presume a power and a control that isn’t theirs. They don’t know what the future holds, but if your brother is likely to predecease your father, they’re not saving your father from pain by not telling him. They’re only robbing him of the opportunity to close this chapter with his son on his own terms. The death will seem as sudden and unexpected as your young sister’s was.
To me, that’s a heartbreaking option. We can’t shield our family members from hurt any more than we can shield ourselves from it. But life gives us so few opportunities to properly say goodbye. I think we should take each one that we get.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
R. Eric Thomas
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