Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
With my final column of the year, I thought it would be a fun idea to pause, look back, and reflect on what it has been like to write a full year of Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Fifty two columns filled with sex positivity and insight from someone who has spent his career trying to challenge the misinformation we all received around our bodies, sex, and intimacy. I appreciate all of you that took the risk and submitted questions. It not only took courage, but there is a curiosity present that gives me continued hope for the future. I am also so encouraged, and I say this with all the love in my heart, by the fact that a lot of these questions were kinky as hell, which really shows just how freaky we Clevelanders are. So with that, let’s looks back and talk more about this wild ride we all went on this past year.
I wish I could have done a sort of “Spotify Wrapped” which these columns, but unfortunately, I just didn’t have the time this year. In general, I have answered questions about mismatched libidos, long term relationships, porn, shame, curiosity, boundaries, breakups, and the complexities of modern dating. Some questions were truly wild (i.e. My Friend’s Obsessive Thoughts over a Past MMF Threesome), while others made me pause and take a breath before responding (i.e. I’m in My 70s and Never Had an Orgasm). A few stayed with me long after the column was published because of how honest and vulnerable they were (i.e., Rebuilding Emotional Safety After Pregnancy Loss). What stands out most to me, though, is not any single topic, but the curiosity that showed up again and again. I have discovered that Cleveland is a curious city, and curiosity is one of the most sex positive qualities a community can have.
I often tell my clients that curiosity is one of the pillars of a healthy relationship. It allows people to ask if something is “normal” instead of assuming something is wrong with them. It is what helps someone name a desire they have never said out loud before or question a relationship script they were taught to follow. Curiosity opens the door to conversations about pleasure, consent, boundaries, and growth rather than shutting them down with shame or fear. When people are curious, they become more compassionate with themselves and with others, and that tone came through clearly in so many of the questions I received.
In some ways, I already knew this about Cleveland. The clients who come to see me in my practice often bring in many of the same concerns that appeared in the column. Desire changes over time. Communication breaks down. Long term relationships need novelty and care. New relationships bring anxiety and excitement in equal measure. Sex does not always look the way movies, social media, or porn suggest it should. In that sense, the questions felt familiar. In other ways, though, I did not expect to be met with such a depth of vulnerability from people I have never met.
Many of you did not include a full name or an email address, and some gave very few identifying details. I fully expected this when I started writing this column. My hope was that if people knew they did not need to put down any identifying information, they would be more open to submitting questions. Anonymity can provide a safety for us to express ourselves more fully. Regardless of whether questions were submitted anonymously or not, there is something profoundly intimate about trusting a stranger with a question you may not even feel safe asking the people closest to you, especially in a culture that still struggles to talk about sex without feeling a sense of embarrassment.
One of the strongest themes that emerged over the year was a desire to understand relationships more deeply. Not just how to fix them, but how to make them feel more honest, and sustainable. Questions about commitment, jealousy, emotional safety, and communication surfaced repeatedly, as did questions about what happens when the version of a relationship you were taught to want no longer fits who you are becoming. People were not looking for rigid rules. They were looking for frameworks that allowed flexibility and self-reflection. One of my favorite examples of this was my column on sexual vs romantic compatibility. I purposely made the title appear as if those two were in competition with one another, when in reality, both matter depending on the individuals involved.
Another area that stood out was sexual exploration and kink. The number of questions I received about various different kinks made me so happy. You all are a kinky bunch! From cuckolding to piss play, the true range of fantasy was on display. Some people wondered if their fantasies were too much. Others wanted help talking to a partner about exploring something new. Many were simply trying to understand whether they were alone in wanting what they want. Spoiler alert: you are not alone! These questions were rarely just about specific acts. They were about moving into a space of vulnerability so that people can begin the process of exploration. The fact that they were asked at all tells me that Cleveland is a city where people are at least willing to consider kink as something worth talking about.
There were two columns that seems to get the most attention this year. The first one, Should Cheating Always Signal the End of a Relationship, was pretty polarizing. Cheating is one of those topics that often gets flattened into moral absolutes, where people are sorted into good and bad with very little room for nuance. The reality is much more complex than that, which is what I tried to present in the column. Infidelity is extremely scary for most people in relationships, and I get it, I fear it as well. How we go about doing our part to make sure it does not happen is through open, honest, and vulnerable conversation about the relationship and sex. If you find yourself in a dynamic where sex is not talked about or explored, I would think about why that is and determine if there needs to be more conversation about it.
The second column, I am Gay and Hooking up with My Straight Friend, really confused the hell out of people and started a deeper discussion around sexual orientation and sexual fluidity. Because I am gay, does that mean I can never explore having sex with someone of the opposite sex? Sexual fluidity has existed since the beginning of time and because our society has a difficult time with grey areas, we box people in pretty quickly with certain labels. One thing that is for certain is that more and more people are finding themselves to be sexually fluid these days and I for one am elated to see it.
Throughout the year, I kept returning to one core belief: sex is not separate from the rest of our lives. It is deeply connected to our mental health, our relationships, our identities, our stress levels, our bodies, and our histories. When people asked about sex, they were often really asking about connection. Connection to their partners through vulnerability. When they asked about desire, they were often asking about feeling wanted or understood. When they asked about boundaries, they were often asking for permission to take themselves seriously. It has genuinely been fun to write this column and reading all of the questions that were submitted.
As I wrap up this year of Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist, I want to say thank you. Thank you for your curiosity, your honesty, and your willingness to ask complex questions rather than settling for easy answers. If this year has taught me anything, it is that Cleveland is far more sex positive, thoughtful, and introspective than people often assume. I feel grateful to be part of a community that keeps showing up with openness, vulnerability, and a desire to grow, both in relationships with others and in relationship with themselves. I’m really looking forward to 2026 and can’t wait to see how much freakier and, more importantly, how much more curious next year’s questions will be. Cheers to all of you, and I will see you in 2026.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
Subscribe to Cleveland Scene newsletters.
Follow us: Apple News | Google News | NewsBreak | Reddit | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | Or sign up for our RSS Feed
Related
Matt Lachman LPCC-S, CST
Source link