With the significant increase in deadly hurricanes, wildfires, droughts, heat waves, and floods, The Onion asked Americans how they would like to die in the climate apocalypse, and this is what they said.
Humor
Americans Reveal How They Would Like To Die In The Climate Apocalypse
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Alice Buchanan, Pet Store Owner
“Accidentally decapitated by FEMA helicopter blade.”
Patrick Burnham, Snorkeling Instructor
“Climate change isn’t real. I’m going to die by my toddler shooting me with a gun just like everyone else.”
Luisa Arellano, Therapist
“Mount Everest falls on me.”
Cayden Savage, Band Teacher
“I’d like to live long enough that I can drown in an ocean that’s reached the middle of Nebraska.”
Tyler Cunningham, Musician
“Probably my private jet crashing due to how much smoke is in the air.”
Jill Snyder, Homemaker
“A self-inflicted gunshot to the head after seeing what those floods did to my begonias.”
Katherine Hee, Nurse
“Oh jeez, exposure, dehydration, famine, they’re all so fun. Do I have to pick just one?”
Clancy White, Doctor
“Personally, I know I can only be vanquished if the powers of water, fire, ice, lightning, earth, and wind all combine together to stop my evil plan.”
Leila Abdou, Journalist
“Can I drown in lava? Is that an option?”
Edwin Greene, Cashier
“Prank involving our last remaining food sources gone wrong.”
Tim McCullough, Claims Adjuster
Joe Sobolewski, Electrician
“Successfully escaping the wildfires and then choking on a big bite of hamburger.”
Anson Stevens, CEO
“Be killed in the uprising of my private military force in my post-apocalyptic bunker after they realize the concept of money is null and void and I’m hoarding resources.”
Angela Zager, Home Health Aide
“Heat stroke in March.”
Arthur King, Lawyer
“I don’t have to wait for the future—I’m actually dying in a wildfire right now!”
Tyler Delgado, Dog Walker
“I’m not greedy. I’ll take any death I can get.”
Debra Smith, Artist
“Going outside to fetch the newspaper without sunscreen.”
Patsy Lyons, Radiation Therapist
“Screaming ‘This is all the fault of trans weightlifters’ while getting carried away in a mudslide.”
Byron Jacobson, Mechanic
“I will be the one killing, not dying.”
Dave Roundy, Mechanical Engineer
“Falling down the stairs and breaking my neck on my very first night in the bunker.”
Alicia Montero, Project Manager
“I look up at the sky and say, ‘Snow? It’s snowing in September?’ and then a big chunk of hail flies straight down my throat and I asphyxiate.”
Mosquito XR-127905, Bug
“Oh, don’t worry. My kind aren’t going away.”
Jesse Curry, Historian
“Well, you know, they say you die twice. Once, when you actually die from drowning in a flood, and the second time, when someone says your name for the last time because all of them also drowned in a flood.”
Weston George, Drummer
“Oh, I don’t know yet, but some kind of domestic terrorism, I bet!”
Donna Novak, Baker
“In a wildfire peacefully surrounded by loved ones.”
Marcus Howard, Comptroller
“I would like to die in a space shuttle explosion while trying to escape a dying Earth, please.”
Elaine Harding, Wedding Planner
“It’s gotta be one of the more painful pollution-driven cancers.”
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