Last Month This Month is a recap of all the previous month’s news, featuring headlines from Slog AM. Find it in every issue of The Stranger! Subscribe to our daily Slog AM newsletter here.
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The country seems to be waking up to the obvious fact that Donald Trump is a fascist, their government is dangerous and unlawful, and the tantamount act of resistance isn’t simply voting. Even The Atlantic, a magazine for the worst people in your social studies class, admitted the “f-word” was apt.
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To jolt us out of our holiday stupor, Trump kidnapped the president of Venezuela on a nighttime raid and literally admitted it was for oil. Presidents usually say it’s for democracy or something! Once we were all emptied of visions of sugar plums, on January 7, ICE agent Jonathan Ross shot Renée Nicole Good in the face three times.
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The day after, ICE shot two people in Portland. Then, on January 24, Border Patrol Agents executed Veterans Affairs nurse Alex Pretti in the street for the capital crime of filming them. Reading the room accurately, Kommandant Greg Bovino continued to dress like a Nazi through it all. Until he lost his job. But he may dress like a Nazi at home, too. Maybe we should’ve taken that New Year’s Eve tragedy at the Crans-Montana ski resort in Switzerland—40 people died in a sparkler-set fire—as a grim portent for the year to come.
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That, or the up to 30,000 people killed in Iran during mass protests. Or the Israel-Palestine ceasefire, where fire has not ceased. So yeah, 2026 is 20-sucking-shit.
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We started on such a hopeful note. On New Year’s Day, Zohran Mamdani became mayor of New York City. He’s the first Muslim and South Asian person to do so and the youngest in a century. And the hottest one, but we didn’t need to tell you that. Mamdani has already started making childcare free for New Yorkers. He’s also getting shots so he can accommodate all the pussy he’s getting (his wife wants to get a cat, he’s allergic). Oh, and in our second fiddle city (maybe a viola—instrument of losers), Katie Wilson took power.
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Wilson’s done a really good job of making the Seahawks go to the Super Bowl (which Bruce Harrell never did), and not sweeping homeless people from Ballard, a favorite pastime of our former mayor(s). She’s also found a new hobby: firing department heads. It must be addictive. Goodbye, former leaders of the Department of Neighborhoods, Parks, Office of Economic Development, Office of Arts & Culture, Seattle City Light, and a long list that would honestly bore you. (We are aware of the literacy rates.) But, yeah, quite the shakeup before the mettle-testing World Cup.
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Speaking of the coming-together-of-nations, Trump hates the concept. His whole thing is take, take, take, and Greenland is his latest kink. Whatever denials you hear, he’s willing to invade the semiautonomous Danish territory for its precious minerals. Coupled with his lust for Venezuela’s oil, Trump is playing a fucked-up game of Settlers of Catan. Except this is not a game for virgins, and we’re offering shit trades to our best friend, Canada. For all this, the man obviously deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. Thank God María Corina Machado, the opposition party leader in Venezuela, gave him hers. Sadly, it’s non-transferable.
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On the home front, the QAnon Shaman is running for governor of Arizona. He doesn’t support Trump anymore because he won’t release the Epstein files, aka The Adventures of Jeff and Donald.
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Dilbert creator Scott Adams died, still supporting Donald Trump. He will rot in unfunny eternity. Possibly Christian heaven, if Jesus is a Dilbert fan. Unlikely. Jesus is a Cathy man. Ack!!
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The United States is taking a short break from killing foreign children to focus on killing our own. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (soon to be rechristened the Centers for Disease Preservation?) cut the child vaccination schedule by more than half because… autism?
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Because trans kids have it too good, hedge fund millionaire Brian Greetingspenis Heywood wants to bring them down a peg, or get rid of them entirely, whichever the electorate will let him do. This November, Washington will decide if we should un-amend his “Parents’ Bill of Rights”—a law that allows parents to read their kids’ counseling records—and whether or not we should ban trans girls from sports. Yes, all dozens of them.
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Some good news, locally! Notorious dick and President of the Seattle Police Officers’ Guild Mike Solan announced on his terrible podcast that he isn’t runningfor reelection. Not that his replacement will be someone we’d like to get a beer with, but we’ll revel in his vanishing from public life.
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Things remain quite phallic at the Seattle Police Department. The boys in blue—emphasis on the “boys” part—are far from achieving their goal of having a recruit class that’s 30 percent women by 2030. Only 10 percent of SPD’s 165 new hires this year were ladies. This department is not for the girls.
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It’s a bad time to be a ferry, or a ferrylover (FL). The state’s ferry system is up shit’s creek without a paddle. As of late January, only 15 of the state’s 21 ferries could sail. Those remaining keep falling apart and hitting logs. Things are so dire, a local shipyard is pitching a crazy idea: revamping old-ass, decommissioned ferries to do the work. We could do a Dunkirk?
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Meanwhile, it is really sunny here. Should we be concerned? Probably. Fortunately, we’re not going to know it’s too late until we’re dead. The EPA, at the direction of Trump, won’t calculate the health benefits of air free of ozone and fire particulates. This step is brought to you by greed, for the change will make it easier for coal power plants, oil refineries, steel mills, and other industrial facilities to operate unimpeded by the trivial concern of human life.
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We should honor our dead. Like, the Varsity Theater in the University District. And the Crocodile, which isn’t dead, but is bankrupt and up for sale. In better arts and culture news, Scarecrow Video bought their building on Roosevelt Way, and the Vera Project announced plans to open a new all-ages space in Georgetown in early 2027.
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We don’t even have Sears to ease the pain. There are only five stores left in the country, and none of them are long for this world. The store that once sold the American Dream in a mail-order catalog will be sold for parts.
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If only we could all learn to self-soothe like an Austrian cow has. Veronika’s scratching stick, developed in a 13-year life of leisure, is the first documented instance of a cow using tools. Cows are farting idiots, so this is significant from an evolutionary perspective. Will Veronika & Co. become the new master race? She is Austrian.
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At least she’s not going to be taking anyone’s job. Why? There aren’t any. Trump’s Department of Labor reported that employers only added 50,000 jobs in December, a dismal cherry on top of a dismal year for job growth.
The Stranger’s Slog AM™️ Specialists
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