11 Expert Tips To Stop Being Toxic In A Relationship

Are you looking for answers on how to stop being toxic in a relationship? Instead of hating yourself for it, it is important that you realize that you are not the only one. How many of you have been in toxic relationships and how many of you have been accused of being toxic by your significant other? That count is almost equal. In every difficult relationship, there is one wrongdoer and one sufferer. If you are either of those, then you have arrived at the right place, as we can walk you through how to not be toxic in a relationship.

First, allow me to explain what a toxic relationship is in plain words. It’s when a relationship drains you, both physically and mentally. You constantly feel unhappy when they are around you. If you feel suffocated, disrespected, under-loved, under-valued and everything about your relationship seems unenjoyable, then there are high chances of you being in a toxic relationship. You still love your partner but you are filled with negative thoughts.

When reached out to Dr. Aman Bhonsle (Ph.D., PGDTA), who specializes in relationship counseling and Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, for his insights on being a toxic person in a relationship, he said, “Unfortunately, the toxic person thinks they are always right and that they are perfectly all right. They think there is nothing wrong with them. The others are wrong. They will know they are toxic when they go beyond the parameters of their regular behavior.”

5 Signs You Are The Toxic One In Your Relationship

What makes a person toxic? “You will know you are the one doing toxic behavior when people stop hanging out with you, when people make excuses to get out of a meeting with you and when people keep a distance from you. You will begin to feel that something is going wrong somewhere. Your selfishness will begin to impact all the relationships in your life,” says Dr. Bhonsle. 

It’s always easier to blame the other person for all the bad things that have happened between the two of you. It’s wise to sometimes accept responsibility and ask yourself, “Am I toxic in my relationship?”, because you should also think about what your faults in the relationship might be.

There’s no shame in acknowledging that you are the toxic one and asking how to stop being a toxic girlfriend or boyfriend. It’s the first step towards understanding unlearn toxic behaviors in a relationship. Dr. Bhonsle had an extremely poignant insight to share on this matter. “When you find out you are the toxic one in the relationship and seek out to change the course of your actions, don’t look for immediate results. Instead, look for change. Change is not a guarantee of success. It’s a guarantee of momentum,” he says. If you want to know if it’s you or your partner with the toxic behavior, then read the below signs and find out:

Related Reading: What To Look For In A Relationship? The Ultimate List Of 15 Things

1. A superiority complex is one of the toxic traits

A superiority complex is when someone has an inflated view of themselves. They think that they are better than others. A person with a superiority complex also brings this line of thought to their romantic relationships. They think they are smarter, cleverer and more important than their significant other. If you have a superiority complex and you assert that superiority in your relationship, then you could be the problem. It’s a good thing you are asking questions like, “Am I toxic in my relationship?” and “How to stop being toxic in a relationship?”.

This complex is mostly seen in people who try to conceal or hide their insecurities and their feelings of inferiority. If you have this complex, now is the right time to ask, “Am I toxic in my relationship?”, whether it’s affecting the bond you share with your partner as fixing a toxic relationship requires a lot of strength and courage.

2. What makes a person toxic? Manipulative behavior

Manipulation is often known to range from gaslighting someone to lying to them and also hiding information from your significant other. To use emotional manipulation on someone is to try and gain power over them. It is sort of a mind game that amounts to being a toxic person in a relationship. The end goal is to use that power to control the other person.

If you want to stop being a toxic girlfriend or boyfriend, then you need to stop manipulating your partner and try to change such bad behavior patterns.If you make your significant other feel sorry for expressing their concerns, then you are being a master manipulator and you need to immediately start asking questions like how to stop being toxic in a relationship or how to know if you are toxic in a relationship.

3. Is the relationship all about you?

If your own feelings always take centre stage in your relationship, you might be the one responsible for your toxic relationship. And sometimes, this is the one thing that can make your break your relationship.

• Only your wants matter: This is the best answer to your question, “Am I toxic in my relationship?” When the entire relationship becomes about your wants and needs, from food choices to movie choices to where you want to go out for dinner, then it’s just a one-sided relationship
• Your partner feels compelled to listen to you: In any case or decision, you command and your partner obliges without any questions. This is one of the warning signs of a toxic relationship and you being the toxic one in it

4. Are you a control freak?

If you want to be less toxic in a relationship, you have to stop controlling your partner’s life. In both healthy and unhealthy relationships, people have a tendency to make decisions on behalf of the other person. However, in toxic relationships — it goes too far.

You can’t take love as an excuse to control someone. If you are wondering, “Am I toxic in my relationship?”, introspect about whether to try to dominate your partner. If the answer is yes, then you’re definitely displaying some signs of toxicity. 

If you make your partner live by your rules, then you need to look for answers for how to stop being toxic in a relationship. Control freaks tend to go to an extent of not just telling you what to do or making all the decisions by themselves but also governing who you can be friends with and whom to hang out with.

Related Reading: Moving On From A Toxic Relationship – 8 Expert Tips To Help

5. Toxic people demand attention 24×7

If you are someone who demands a lot of attention and time from your partner and tends to get needy, then there are chances you are being a toxic person in a relationship. This is also called “high maintenance”. Look for the signs if she is a high-maintenance girl or boy.

When you fall in love with someone, it’s not necessary to make them the center of your universe and it’s not necessary to demand the same from them. That is the cornerstone of healthy relationships, as it could make your partner feel trapped and suffocated. If you want to learn how to stop being toxic in a relationship, then accept that they cannot cater to every single need of yours, and you shouldn’t expect them to give in to all your demands.

How Does You Being Toxic Affect Your Relationships?

“When you are exhibiting toxic ways in a relationship, it becomes hard for people to love you, rely on you, trust you and find comfort in you. There’s a certain value that you bring to all your relationships, and when toxicity begins to creep in, the relationship gets wrecked. Toxicity can also be in the form of hostile behavior, being negligent, selfish, vindictive, and also being clingy,” says Dr. Bhonsle. 

If that sounds familiar to some of your traits, you might want to try to unlearn toxic behaviors in a relationship. Because this is what it can do to your relationship:

• Your partner will lose their sense of self: The saddest thing about being a toxic partner, is that you will watch your partner’s personality fade away. They will become aloof, distant, agreeable, and stop acting like their true selves
• The love wanes: The toxic behavior does not just affect your partner, but can also bring your relationship to a halt soon enough
• You are no more their safe space: Your partner might have confided in you earlier, but now because of your controlling behavior, they might stop. Instead, you will see them spending more time or sharing secrets with their friends and family instead of you

When you engage in such tactics, you might end up damaging your relationship beyond repair. It will impact the quality of your romance. But even though a lot of damage has been done, it is never too late to change yourself for the better. The journey of that change begins with addressing a rather uncomfortable question: Am I toxic in my relationship? 

11 Expert Tips To Stop Being Toxic In A Relationship

You can love them dearly but that still does not guarantee being in a good relationship. Despite your best intentions, you might be the cause of problem to your loved ones because of your toxic habits. And more often than not, relationships become toxic even when neither partner is bad on their own.

The problematic behaviors that lead to toxicity in a relationship stem from deep-seated insecurities and complexes, which could be rooted in your childhood, early life experiences or past relationships. Below are some expert-approved tips on how to stop being toxic in a relationship:

1. Find a relationship therapist or counselor

Without the help of mental health professionals, it could be difficult to understand the nature of your toxicity and what might be causing it. Only a therapist will help you unravel your behavioral patterns and discover the reason behind them. They will show you the path to healing and becoming a better version of yourself and teach you how to be in healthy relationships. All of these processes are integral to how to stop being toxic in a relationship.

“Therapy becomes a crucial aspect in this situation because the person who thinks they’re being toxic in a relationship needs a neutral person to understand the entire scenario. Many couples have shared their experience on how talk therapy helped in their relationship and made them feel good. A licensed professional will know how to handle the situation and how to guide the person in stressful situations”, says Dr. Bhonsle. 

If you can relate to the signs that indicate that you’re the toxic one in your relationship and are looking for help to break your behavior patterns, Bonobology’s panel of licensed and skilled counselors is here for you. 

2. Shift from blaming to understanding

This is exactly what happened in my previous relationship when both me and my partner were having a very hard time. There was constant blame-shifting and name calling and I was always at the receiving end of it. When I was blamed for something, I’d accept it as constructive criticism and tried to do better by understanding his standpoints. But when my former partner was blamed for something, he refused to come to an understanding and would take it as an insult. He would blame me for blaming him. The irony here is quite amusing, isn’t it? I realized how blame-shifting in relationship harms it.

If you are wondering “how to change my toxic tendencies?”, then look at how you assign blame. To figure out how to stop being toxic in a relationship, you need to find ways to be more understanding and not take your partner’s concerns as an affront. Take a step back from the blame game and look at the entire situation from another perspective. 

3. What to do if you are the toxic person in a relationship? Own your actions

If I have learned something in my relationships, it’s how a simple act of taking accountability can change things for the better. If you are wondering “Why am I so toxic in relationships?”, it is probably because you do not reflect enough upon your own actions.

The answer to how to stop being toxic in a relationship will come to you when you start taking responsibility for your actions and realize their reaction is a consequence of your actions. It’s exactly as Newton said, “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”

If you said something to hurt or offend your partner, be sure to own up to it. That’s one of the ways how you can stop being a toxic person in a new relationship and focus on yours and your partner’s well being. Apologize as soon as you realize that you did wrong and make amends with your significant other.

Related Reading: 10 Signs You Are In A Loveless Marriage

4. Bring an interest in self-growth

“Look for self-growth. Compare where you were last year and where you are now. Compare all kinds of growth, from financial to emotional and relationship growth. Everything matters in the making of you as a person. If you don’t see yourself growing in any aspect of your life, then it’s time you build yourself up,” says Dr. Bhonsle.

When you shift the focus on being a better person, it becomes much easier to be a better version in your relationship too. Build up your own self worth and try to improve yourself. Those who are in healthy relationships, have a much better sense of self and make their own mental health their foremost priority. This will create a ripple effect and help you become a better partner too.

5. How to not be toxic in a relationship? Show love

Have you ever stopped and wondered why we love the way we love? It’s because most of the time, even subconsciously, how we love our partner is the way we wish to be loved. Each has a different way of loving. Some women buy expensive things for their partner and some men show love without saying it. At the end of the day, you both want to be loved by each other. And if you continue being a toxic person in a relationship, neither of you has the chance of giving or receiving love. Here is how you can do that:

• Love with your words: Instead of resorting to physical violence or verbal abuse during a fight or argument, try to use kinder words or phrases to placate the situation
• Spend quality time with them: Don’t just laze around in bed after a fight or eat dinner quietly, without speaking to them. Try to make it up to them. Bring out a board game, or a new bottle of wine to cheer them up
• Do not give them the silent treatment: While it is important to take time off and cool down after an argument, do not give your partner the silent treatment for too long, when they reach out. It is one of the signs of an abusive relationship

6. How to change my  toxic tendencies? Communicate your worries

If you are still asking, “Why am I toxic and how to change it?”, then communication is the answer for you. Stonewalling will never resolve any of the problems you are facing with your partner. In fact, it will only create more.

Communication problems in relationships are quite common. All you have to do is communicate all your worries, troubles, sadness and frustration openly. But be mindful of the words you use. Make sure you don’t hurt or offend your partner in the name of an open discussion. Open communication allows you to speak out about the things that bother you. It will help you to stop being a toxic girlfriend or boyfriend.

7. Healthy relationships have empathy

Empathy is the backbone of every healthy relationship and toxic people are no empaths. It is time to change that, if you want to be less toxic in a relationship.

With a lack of empathy, it will get difficult to bond and build a meaningful relationship with your partner. Once you cultivate empathy for others, questions such as “Why am I toxic in my relationship?” and “How to stop being a toxic girlfriend/boyfriend?” will begin to dissipate. 

“One of the ways you can learn to cultivate empathy is by spending time with those less fortunate than you. Spend time with people who are differently-abled or can’t make their ends meet. By spending time with unfortunate people, even the most ruthless will begin to feel empathy and kindness. Get involved in kitchen activities or explore activities that you’ve never tried your hand at before. Some people are so stoic and stubborn that they will never find empathy for anyone but themselves,” says Dr. Bhonsle.

Related Reading: Here’s How To Stop Constant Arguing In A Relationship

8. Why am I so toxic in relationships? Because of your ego

You will know how to stop being toxic in a relationship when you decide to let go of your ego. A toxic person is known to maintain a certain image. When they feel that image is at risk, they tend to become defensive. Learn to put aside your ego as it simply worsens toxic behavior.

Dr. Bhonsle says, “Nothing scars a relationship like ego. Ego is basically a giant wall that comes between two people. When you create that wall too high and too strong, nobody can break it down. Nobody can even climb that wall to reach you on the other side of it. Ego is this – I come from a rich family and I need things to go my way. I am a man. I am in control of the relationship.

“The only time you will know to let go of your ego is when that ego is damaging your relationship or has already done the damage. An egoistic person prevents from asking for any kind of help. If he wants a promotion at work, his ego will prevent him from asking for it. An egoistic husband will refuse to ask for his wife’s help. An egoistic wife will never ask for sex.”

9. Assume positive intent to stop worsening a toxic relationship

Negative thoughts and constantly questioning your partner’s intent will most certainly damage the foundation of your relationship. No wonder you will constantly end up wondering, “Why am I being toxic in my relationship?” If you keep questioning your partner’s intents, then you will start thinking that maybe you are in a negative relationship.

When you assume negative intent, you become skeptical of every action your partner takes and that is considered toxic behavior. Not only does it worsen your own mental health, but it also makes things very difficult for your partner. When you look for the worst in people, that’s what you will find. But when you look for the best in people and assume positive intent, life will get easier and more peaceful. And you should especially try to be more trusting with your loved ones.

10. How to change my toxic tendencies? Invite feedback

“Invite feedback from someone else in your relationships. Whether it’s your partner or your family members or just a close friend, ask them for feedback if you think you are being toxic in a relationship. If you find yourself lost and in need of a support network, ask the people who love you to find the lost parts of yourself. People who love you know what you are like. They will find out if you are screwing up in life or being uneven with yourself. All you have to do is reconnect and relive to stop being in a toxic relationship,” says Dr. Bhonsle.

11. Maintain your personal space

One of the significant ways to stop being toxic in a relationship is to make time for yourself and be alone, as a form of self care. Most toxic people tend to have low self-esteem. They radiate their toxicity toward others as a way to boost their low image of themselves. You will learn how to stop being toxic in a relationship when you start practicing self-love. Learn to cater to your needs all by yourself. Spending time with your loved ones will also help.

So now you know what to do if you are the toxic person in a relationship. Pay attention to your toxic behavior and be mindful of it. Concentrate on self-care, healing and taking time to grow as a person. Firstly, congratulate yourself on asking the question, “Why am I toxic and how to change that?” It’s the first and the most difficult step to take. And you’ve conquered that. The rest will come naturally if you focus on adopting positive habits. 

This article was updated in July 2023.

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