LONDON—Crashing through the stained glass window of Westminster Abbey in a desperate attempt to free himself, a panicked King Charles III was seen flailing wildly Saturday after getting his head stuck inside the coronation crown. “Help! Help! Get me out of this godforsaken crown this instant!” said the king, who tried to use his jewel-encrusted scepter to pry off St. Edward’s Crown before accidentally getting his pants caught on a pulley that hoisted him onto the face of Big Ben, exposing his heart-patterned boxers for the entire kingdom to see. “Ow, it hurts! Butter, I need butter! Obey your king’s command for more butter! Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop!” At press time, Prince William reportedly attempted to free his father by cutting his head off with a sword.
