9 Proven Tools for Nurturing Old and New Friendships

I met Simone* in college, and we are not alike in many ways. Yet she’s the friend I call when I’m upset or if I am not sure what to do next, when I want to share a secret or celebrate a success. We look to each other for a good laugh or to cheer one another up. We live many states apart, but we prioritize connecting whenever we can. We feel safe, protected, and valued, and after years of friendship, I don’t know what we would do without each other.

Of course, that’s not to say every relationship doesn’t have its ups and downs.

Recently, Simone and I, along with our significant others, had a heated discussion on a Zoom call over, no surprise, politics. Afterward, my husband was concerned that Simone would not speak to me anytime soon. I reminded him that our connection was too tight for that to happen; it’s highly unlikely we would dismiss each other when we don’t agree.

He knows that from his own friendships. I’ve witnessed him giving his close friends space after disagreeing, but not to the point of severing the bond. Like my relationship with Simone, almost nothing could come between him and the friends he cherishes.

Friendships like my husband’s or mine with Simone are critical to well-being for most of us and help define who we are. Forming new friendships or strengthening older ones requires first being aware of their value and alert to the subtle subtexts we might otherwise miss.

In his book, How to Be a Friend, Brent Bain dissects the fragile elements of friendship that need close attention. We want our friends to be people who don’t judge or compete with us, and we shouldn’t compete with them, he explains. But that’s only part of the story.

Starting Point

Friendships are essential to most people’s very being. Good friends help us smooth over rough patches, soothe us in times of chaos, and celebrate with us in times of good fortune. They are a haven for our fears, insecurities, and worries, and a confidante when we need one most.

Friends care deeply about each other. Carlin Flora, author of Friendfluence, concluded that friends “make us feel we matter.” She reports that strong relationships “with friends are in fact the best predictors of one’s general happiness level.”

The findings from Harvard Medical School research, The Grant Study, which has been keeping track of students’ adult development since 1938, reinforce Flora’s point. “Good relationships are the key to long-term happiness and health,” the Harvard researchers assert. It’s the quality of those relationships, not the quantity, that is paramount.

Building meaningful friendships is a continuous work in progress. Each person must actively contribute to the relationship. You need special tools and a willingness to put forth the effort. Being the friend you would like to have, Barnet Bain suggests, starts with being open and compassionate. This allows a person to become more caring.

In How to Be a Friend, Bain highlights nine essential tools to build lasting relationships. Some are easily overlooked, and all are certain to improve your friendships.

9 Tools of Friending

Bain’s toolkit is full of important skills to not only strike up a friendship, but to troubleshoot tough times as well. “Think of it as roadside assistance for when your friendships sputter, stall, or need a tune-up,” as he puts it. Here is Bain’s wise guide:

1. Provide Safety

If your friend doesn’t feel safe with you, forget the rest. Safety doesn’t mean bubble wrap. It means you’re not weaponizing their vulnerability. Try this: Bain suggests asking yourself, “Can my friend tell me something messy without me flinching or fixing?” This is key to growing in your relationship and understanding of one another.

2. Reduce the Fear of Loss

Everyone’s a little afraid people will disappear. Consistency matters more than intensity. Try this: Text one friend you’ve drifted away from. Write: “Thinking of you. No reply needed.”

3. Reduce the Fear of Humiliation and Shame

Nothing shuts people down faster than embarrassment. When someone risks honesty, guard that moment. Try this: When a friend admits a mistake, say, “Yeah, I’ve done that too.”

4. Honor Where They’re Coming From (and Where They’re Going)

Everyone’s carrying an invisible backpack — family, culture, history, hopes. You don’t have to like what’s in it, but respect the weight. Try this: Before jumping in with advice, ask, “Do you want me to listen or help?”

5. Provide Pleasure

Joy isn’t fluff — it’s fuel. Fun is medicine. Be the person who remembers to laugh. Try this: Send something ridiculous. This could be a song, a meme, or just a bad joke. Let someone borrow a little of your joy.

6. Listen Deeply

Listening isn’t pausing to reload your next point. It’s staying curious long enough to actually hear your friend. Try this: Repeat back one line of what they said before you answer. Not to agree, to show you heard.

7. Prioritize Friendship

You can’t “fit it in.” You have to plan around it. Friendship fades when left to convenience. Try this today: Put a name in your calendar. Keep the date.

8. Forgive

Forgiveness isn’t forgetting — it’s clearing the static so connection can come through again. Most friendships don’t end in betrayal. They die from silence. If something feels off, maybe say, “Hey, I miss us. Can we talk?” (I sent that very text to another friend the morning I wrote about my friendship with Simone.)

9. See Clearly

Seeing clearly means letting people be who they are, not who you wish they’d be. Clarity is love without control. Try this: When you catch yourself labeling someone, ask, “What else might be true?”

*****

When you embrace a friend with these pointers in mind, the friendship grows stronger, and the rewards mount. As the subtitle of Carlin Flora’s book, Friendfluence, tells us, “Friends Make Us Who We Are.” I’m lucky that Simone is my friend. Our regular contact and closeness haven’t changed since that contentious Zoom call. Over the years, she has played a significant role in who I am.

What tools will you add to your friending toolkit?

*Simone is the pseudonym my friend chose.

Copyright @2026 by Susan Newman, PhD