After attempts to ban abortion, birth control, and IVF, some people think the next conservative target will be sexual intercourse outside of marriage. The Onion asked conservatives why casual sex should be illegal, and this is what they said.
Humor
Conservatives Explain Why Casual Sex Should Be Illegal
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Greg Allison, Architect
“I am morally opposed to fun.”
Ryan Thompson, Videographer
“Makes it that much hotter knowing it’s illegal.”
John Myles, Machinist
“Hooking up with a floozy at the bar is a good way to get your truck busted up by Carrie Underwood, but I’m not surprised liberals don’t understand.”
Joyce Washburn, Factory Foreman
“The only moral justification for sex is procreation and honeypotting a foreign diplomat.”
Carrie Marlow, Dog Walker
“Casual sex only leads to one thing: Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis 2011 rom-coms battling at the box office.”
Thomas Sayers, Chiropractor
“For far too long, our legal system has protected people more fuckable than I am.”
Janie Donaldson, Debt Collector
“Sex should be between a husband and wife trying to re-spark their love life at a hotel after the Pink concert in Cleveland.”
Micah O’Toole, Archivist
“Can you imagine the chaos that would ensue if everyone stopped logging their intercourse with their town registrar?”
Ralph Boyd, Sound Technician
“Dry-humping is more than enough to get me off.”
Anne Benson, Podiatrist
“I just think cops should barge into more bedrooms.”
Pip Hilber, Retired
“Americans don’t take boinking seriously anymore.”
Jacob Fitzsimmons, Food Safety Technician
“If our nation spent less time on pube trimming, we’d have more time for war.”
William Fritz, Credit Analyst
“I have a lot of unexamined psychological issues surrounding sex, relationships, and power, and this is the only way I can see to resolve them.”
Paul Alvarez, Bartender
“If you saw my dick, you’d know no one’s touching that thing just for fun.”
Alyssa Mireles, Cashier
“If you have too much casual sex, you could forget how to masturbate.”
Sam Gerber, Parking Attendant
“Casual sex takes precious time away from casual racism.”’
Homer Saldanha, Sales Manager
“It would be easier to list the things that I don’t think should be illegal.”
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