ST. LOUIS—Expanding its product offerings beyond its long-running line of chewable tablets, antacid manufacturer Tums introduced a new sternly worded note Tuesday that reportedly works by reminding consumers they know better than to eat that stuff in the first place. “The best method of heartburn relief remains having some goddamn self-control and saying no to that fourth slice of pizza,” the letter read in part, adding that while a dose of calcium carbonate could help mitigate the symptoms of indigestion, it would hardly be necessary if a person showed even the tiniest bit of respect for themselves by avoiding foods that upset their stomach. “You are an adult, right? So clearly you know how this works: You go nuts on a chili dog, follow it with French fries, and 20 minutes later you’re in a world of distress. Has it ever occurred to you to eat sensibly? Hmm? It’s as if you have complete amnesia every time there’s a bucket of hot wings and a six-pack of beer in front of you.” Officials from Tums confirmed the sternly worded letter would be available in its original scolding tone as well as an extra-strength what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you formulation.
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