Third-Party Candidate Promises To Fill Whatever Void Still Left Between Centrist Democrats, Centrist Republicans

ST. LOUIS—Vowing to provide what could technically be considered an alternative, third-party candidate Patrick Laine promised Monday to fill whatever void was still left between centrist Democrats and centrist Republicans. “Americans deserve choice, which is why I’m running on a platform of whatever extremely narrow ideology sits between moderate Republicans and moderate Democrats,” said Laine, explaining that as president he would find compromise between the extreme centrists on both sides of the aisle. “Whether it’s on issues of immigration, gun rights, or abortion, I promise to find even more milquetoast opinions than anyone else. With so much animosity among centrists of all stripes, I believe people are desperately looking for someone who embodies the tiny sliver of space separating the most middle-of-the-road views.” At press time, Laine was attacked as too radical.