Henry Kissinger, former Secretary of State, national security advisor, and lover of carpet bombing innocent civilians, passed away at the age of 100. The Onion asked Americans how they felt about his death, and this is what they said.
Humor
Americans React To The Death Of Henry Kissinger
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James Kessler, Psychologist
“Look, being nice in life won’t get you a Nobel Peace Prize.”
Sharon Thatcher, Teacher
“He wasn’t just a war criminal, he was our war criminal.”
Whitney Plainfield, Administrative Assistant
“He would have hated to see anyone die painlessly and peacefully like this.”
Lisa Johnson, Dietician
“I don’t want to diminish his legacy by citing the Cambodian government’s official death toll because I know the real number was much, much worse.”
Gina Garroni, Delivery Driver
“Is that what I ran over last night?”
Christa Deacon, Guidance Counselor
“May he be as bloodthirsty in death as he was in life.”
Melissa Stevens, Mortgage Banker
“Love him or hate him, he’ll always be remembered as the best goddamn contestant Rock Of Love ever saw.”
Dan Potter, Fireman
“I sprayed some agent orange on my kids today in his honor.”
Brook Pratt, Pest Control Worker
“But he still had so many war crimes left in him.”
George W. Bush, Former President
“I remember the first day of my presidency, he was nice enough to send me an unexploded IED.”
Greg Bentley, Graphic Artist
“But he looked so young in ‘Oppenheimer’?”
Al Preston, Copywriter
“If we all close our eyes and say a racial slur at the same time, maybe he’ll come back to life.”
Carter Jacobs, Electrician
“Say what you will about the guy.”
Barack Obama, Former President
“He taught me that war didn’t have to be fair. The most important part was that it was pointless and bloody.”
Tom Buchner, Woodworker
“That’s what he gets for breaking into a house in a state with stand-your-ground laws.”
Alejandro Sotolongo, Art Director
“Let he who has not carpet bombed Cambodia throw the first stone.”
Paul Flannery, Line Cook
“This is just like Paul Walker all over again.”
Lisa Hitchens, File Clerk
“He put Cambodia on the map and almost took it off.”
Dick Cheney, Retired
“Nobody’s perfect, but he came pretty close.”
Dean Verecci, Software Engineer
“Oh thank god, the last war criminal in the American government is finally dead.”
Kevin Spell, Physical Trainer
“It brings a tear to my eye thinking of all the innocent people that will never get to die by his hand.”
Gene Schaefer, Bus Driver
“If you think that man was impressive, you should taste my wife Beth’s homemade potato salad. It’s out of this world!”
Irene Stobbs, Accountant
“Oh no, Paula and Louis’s kid?”
Nick Farrington, Dentist
“I just hope we don’t start tearing down all the Henry Kissinger monuments.”
Jessie Untermeyer, Music Teacher
“I hope he had just as much fun killing all those people as we had watching him kill them.”
George Huntington, Retired
“I’m not going to sugarcoat it—Henry had the mind of a supervillain, the heart of a serial killer, and the elegant gams of a va-va-voom showgirl.”
Bashar al-Assad, President Of Syria
“Game recognizes game.”
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