NEW YORK—Shaking violently under the barrage of an afternoon downpour, a $5 umbrella purchased at 49th Deli Grocery confirmed Thursday that it was doing the best it could, all right? “Look, I’m sorry—I wish I were made out of more durable material, too, but I’m trying here, okay?” said the visibly rattled umbrella, which stressed that despite its cheap, flimsy plastic canopy and already-cracked handle, it was doing everything it could under extraordinarily difficult circumstances. “I didn’t ask for a frame that flips inside-out every other block. I didn’t tell the Indonesian sweatshop worker who put me together to make sure I stain the hand of anyone who holds me. But that’s who I am. And I can’t change that at this point. So I’m going to continue protecting you from 10 to 15% of this rain, and that’s got to count for something, goddammit, right? Right?” At press time, the increasingly defensive umbrella warned that if it kept being pushed to its limit, it couldn’t be held responsible if its metal handle cut the shit out of someone’s hand.
