You Are Definitely Not Invited To Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos’s Wedding Vow Renewal

Kelly Ripa is not a chill bride. She’s not out here insisting that she just wants you to wear whatever you feel comfortable in, or that the best thing about your bridesmaid dress is that you can totally wear it again, or that she said mauve and that is clearly greige. She’s not bothered about whether the rosemary in her poached chicken breasts is overpowering, or whether Auntie Diane’s gout is going to be a problem when she gets up to do the traditional great aunt-baby cousin first dance.

That’s partly because she’s been married to Mark Consuelos for 27 years, after they eloped in Las Vegas on May 1, 1996, and partly because she and Consuelos insisted on Thursday that they’d never ever renew their vows, so if all goes as planned, she won’t be walking down that aisle ever again.

On Live! With Kelly and Mark, the couple-slash-cohosts said that when they get an invite to a vow renewal, it’s less “here comes the bride” and more “here comes the divorce.” In fact, they called the tradition a “pre-divorce.” And “the kiss of death.” And that it should “come with divorce papers.” Tell us how you really feel.

“We are very superstitious about vow renewals,” Ripa said, as if that wasn’t totally clear.

Consuelos agreed, saying that vow renewals come after a husband has “really messed up.”

“And I’m not talking about ‘left the toilet seat up.’ I’m talking about messed up.”

Consuelos and Ripa, both 52, have been married over half their lives after meeting on the set of the soap opera All My Children and getting hitched soon after. They have three children together, not counting the TV show, and both posted smoochabooch photos to Instagram to celebrate their recent anniversary.

So if you’re thinking about inviting Mark and Kelly to your vow renewal, just know: They seem the type to show up impeccably dressed and with a tasteful yet generous gift, all smiles, but, as Ripa said, when they see that off-white embossed card land in their mailbox, they’re thinking, “It’s like, ‘We’re not getting along… I know what we should do!’”

But, um, congrats? Here’s to many more years of happiness together. And, hey, we bet they can refer you to a really excellent lawyer if you need it. Just in case.