BILLINGSGATE POST: Pearl, a 2-year-old female chihuahua who lives in Orlando, Florida, is officially the world’s shortest living dog. Pearl is no ordinary handbag dog. She’s so tiny, her owner can just slip her into her pocket.
The two-year-old chihuahua, who measures around the same length as a dollar bill, has been named the world’s shortest dog by Genius World Records.
Pearl is shorter than a Popsicle stick at just 3.59 inches tall. She is 5 inches long — around the same as a dollar bill — and weighs a whopping 1.22 pounds. From the tip of her nose to the tip of her tail, she’s approximately 5 inches long.
You have probably heard the phrase, “faster than pizza going through a dog.” Well, students from a high school in Denver, Colorado concocted a science project to find out how fast that was; an experiment where they tracked how long it took to induce an 18 inch long dachshund to expel a large slice of Chicago style pepperoni pizza through his alimentary canal.
A three year old dachshund named Wilmer was chosen for this experiment because the students found it easier to measure the length from the dog’s mouth to its puckered little ass with a straight-edged yardstick.
While compiling information, one of the students had read that the record for this type of activity had been set by an Irish Wolfhound named Kelly back in 1997. Known for its unusually quick metabolism, this dog was reported to have wolfed down a double order of bangers, passing it in a putrid liquid consistency exactly 67 seconds after ingesting the greasy sausages.
The students used the equation T=V/L (Time = Velocity Divided by Length), which is the standard diarrhea measurement formula for dogs. Because dogs come in various lengths from mouth to ass, they hypothecated that the smaller dachshund would have to pass the pizza in less than 48 seconds to beat Kelly’s record, not an easy feat under any circumstances.
Little Wilmer, who the students had allowed only water for the past two days, was licking his chops when he smelled the pizza. It seems he loved pepperoni and cheese. In all of 12 seconds he had devoured the pizza and the rest is history. With the students cheering him on, he started running around in circles. All of a sudden, he succumbed, falling to the floor with his legs pointing straight up. One of the students asked if he were dead. Another student said, “No, I think he just ran out of gas.”
Then with a evil smile, Wilmer got up on his feet. Squatting on the linoleum floor of the science lab, his little asshole apuckered, he squirted out the pizza in a reddish hued bile liquid that smelled less of mozzarello than pepperoni.
This, in a little less than 57 seconds, a record that the class thought would stand for years. Miss Hollenfarts, their science teacher, gave them all an “A” for their project. Little Wilmer was given a trophy and the rest of the pizza for his efforts.
Well, now with Pearl measuring only four inches from her mouth to her asshole, we’re possibly moving into the micro-second range. With over 76,000 screaming fans in the same stadium that the Super Bowl was held, using the same equation (T=V/L) Pearl passed the partially digested pizza in 12.3 seconds, easily eclipsing Little Wilmer’s World record.
Dr. Slim: “Damn! Sorry I missed this event. I wonder if Rihanna was there grabbing her crotch during the half time show.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dr. Dude. Hail to the champion! Never try to upstage a dog. They’ll win every time.”