Reports coming out of Mar-a-Lago suggest that Trump’s guilt-ridden conscience has led him to seek therapy twice a day, attempting to atone for the myriad of controversial actions he has committed.
According to an insider, Trump’s fast-food habits have escalated to consuming a staggering 11 Big Macs per day, a diet choice that has taken a toll on his complexion, making his skin resemble badly-worn leather.
In a desperate attempt to bottle up the pain he feels and stifle the tears, Trump has employed an in-house French fry cook who caters to his insatiable fast-food cravings around the clock. This allows him to indulge in his favorite guilty pleasures, as if the comforting embrace of greasy fries and juicy burgers could somehow shield him from the harsh realities of the world he created.
However, things didn’t go so well on first meeting as, in a bizarre incident, the former president allegedly made an inappropriate comment to the cook, asking if he could kiss her on her belly. In response, the quick-thinking cook swiftly grabbed an egg beater, warning him that any such attempt would result in an unexpected high-pitched transformation, as she threatened to whisk his eggs until his voice reached a whole octave higher.
SIDENOTE: An article in Gulf Coast Gastronomy once wrote of Trump’s famed Louisianan cook: she can whip an egg with such vigorous intensity that it achieves a state of near-transcendence, reaching the very apex of its frothy existence, as if she were performing a delicate ballet of a thousand twirls, leaving no ounce of yolk or white untransformed by the whimsical dance of the whisk.