The first drop. Hopes and horrors.

So. We survived without any issues the first step of our withdrawal plan, which was to change the tablet form of SSRI to a crushed version dissolved in a suspension liquid. This was decided with much research, thought and professional advice. The change making it more precise to measure the fiddly dose and avoid cutting tiny pills that crumble and have huge effects with even the slightest of change.

We wanted to tread very carefully because my daughter has had extreme sensitivity in the past and any change can knock her biology out and upset all the ground gained to get her as steady as possible. I cannot say if she will ever be free of the terrible disability of OCD, but I sure as hell am doing everything I can to help her be as independent as possible and that includes being free of the system and SSRIs.

The more I delve into the story behind these big pharma dugs, the ignorance of Doctors, the revenue, the hopes of those going on, the horrors of those coming off and everything in-between, the more I feel sickened, angry and disturbed. I’m not here to tell those stories. They are in their millions if anyone cares to take a look. My heart weeps every day for those who are trapped in the cycle, who are suffering or have lost loved ones to pharmaceutically induced suicide. Their stories should be read and heard with great caution to anyone prescribing, supporting or considering taking. Alternatives must be explored. Our systems are floored beyond belief. I know there are those whose lives are healed and transformed by SSRIs, nothing is ever just one way. Our account, my experience, my belief and my reality is mine to tell and I am sorry if anyone has found themselves upset reading our story. I will not change my personal view on these things and I take full responsibility for how I choose to think and feel, which I hope others can too. I will make no apologies about my view point.

Here are just a few of the effects these drugs can and do regularly have. Worse anxiety, paranoid thoughts, mood swings, headaches, jaw clenching, teeth grinding, sexual function, weight gain, sleep problems, gut issues, feelings of being dissociated from everything and everyone, confusion, suicide, restlessness, body pains, skin issues, lethargy, the list goes on and on. Coming off these drugs, especially if it is in great, fast declines, as so many Doctors advise, can be extremely dangerous and cause all of these symptoms and more to come in huge waves, ruining and sometimes ending lives. It is no joke. It is, in my opinion, the greatest and most evil lie we have seen to date. And yet still people are hopping on in their millions, to a drug that is under researched, little to no long term data and still not fully understood as to how they work (for some). So many not knowing there are alternatives, that we can be in charge of our health and that Doctors do not know everything.

So, back to our story. The first month has gone well. We are now a couple of days into the drop. Going down 10% and staying with that same dose for the next month. I would have liked to have gone slower, but we have a limited supply of this brand, so we have to take a risk. I have no idea what the outcome will be, but we are going to try. I scramble the groups for success stories. There are some, but not as many as I would like to read. Perhaps our story will hold a light in the dark for anyone considering the same. I pray it has a happy ending.

To support this next drop we have a homeopathy remedy to hand which is taken at each drop to aid my daughters body and mind to settle into the process. To help her heal naturally. As a result of learning about homeopathy, I have become a little bit obsessed about learning more. So my side line is to turn my worry into learning and vision myself being able to help others in the future. I can tell you now, that this next step in our journey is very scary for me, but I’m taking the growth I have become and the lessons I’ve learned to channel this as positively as I can. Although I rant here in my secret blog of therapy, to my family I embody calm, at least that’s as close as I can as I am just human after all. But learning to work with ones own fear is they key to moving through the next door. My mantra is “It is what it is” when I feel my fear coming up for answers, for attention, like a greedy, needy demon, I tell it, “I hear you, but I’m not listening” and that seems to tame the beast until the next time. Those times seem to be getting less and less furious, less controlling and more of a reminder of how far I’ve come since the petrified, terrified, pre occupied Mumma I was at the beginning of all this. I like to think, that my inner progress and my authentic fear management is rubbing off on my girl. That somehow she knows and can feel that its safe now. That her world is safe to be in, SSRI free and who knows, OCD free too?

Thanks for reading, I will report in another 4 weeks for the next drop. Take care of yourselves, believe in yourselves and above all, keep loving. xxx