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  • The Will to Improve: Bridging the Gap Between “Talk” and “Action”

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    Do you have trouble transforming talk → action? Learn about Personal Growth Initiative (PGI) and the essential components behind a lifelong mindset of self-improvement.


    Personal growth doesn’t just happen — it requires intention, planning, and action. While many of us may talk a lot about the things we want to change in our lives, transforming that talk into action can be a real challenge.

    Psychologists have identified Personal Growth Initiative as a mindset that bridges this all-too-common gap between “talk” and “action,” helping individuals actively and consciously pursue their development in a clear and deliberate way.

    As a reader of this article, you likely already check off some boxes for Personal Growth Initiative. The average person doesn’t consciously seek out knowledge about psychology and self-improvement, so you’re in a unique and special group of people. By virtue of being here right now, you are demonstrating a rare initiative. 

    Now let’s dive more into what PGI is all about.

    Personal Growth Initiative: The 4 Core Components

    Personal Growth Initiative (PGI) is a set of beliefs and attitudes that help individuals intentionally engage in their own growth process. It consists of four main components.

    Readiness for Change

    The first step is to be ready to make a change. A person can have all the help, guidance, and resources in the world at their disposal, but it all amounts to nothing if they aren’t ready to make that final leap. The basic truth is we often need that proverbial “fire under our butts” before we take conscious action. Once you’re ready, the next step is to translate that readiness into a clear plan of action.

    Thought Patterns:

    • “I am aware of when I need to make a change.”
    • “I take every opportunity to grow as it comes up.”
    • “I am willing to step out of my comfort zone to achieve growth.”
    • “I take an active role in my self-improvement.”
    • “I don’t sit and wait for change to happen.”

    Example: Imagine facing burnout at work. Instead of feeling trapped, a person with a high readiness for change may recognize this as a signal to re-evaluate their work habits or career path, making room for new habits and healthier routines (such as sleep, diet, exercise, or leisure time).

    Worksheet: Self-Improvement Contract (PDF)

    Making a Plan

    The second step is to create realistic plans for your growth. An idea remains just that until you put it on paper and hold yourself accountable. Having a clear vision of your future and where you want to go, then setting small and realistic goals that are within your reach, can help propel you forward in a natural and sustainable way. 

    Thought Patterns:

    • “I set realistic goals for what I want to change about myself.”
    • “I have a specific action plan to help me reach my goals.”
    • “I break down larger goals into smaller, manageable tasks.”
    • “I regularly review my progress and adjust my plan accordingly.”
    • “I stay committed to my plan even when faced with setbacks.”

    Example: Let’s say you want to improve your physical health or lose weight. Instead of jumping into an unsustainable workout routine, a planful person might research the best exercise programs, consult with a trainer, and create a structured plan that best fits their lifestyle, personality, and fitness goals.

    Worksheets: Goals Timeline (PDF) + New Habit Worksheet (PDF)

    Using Resources

    Another essential feature of the Personal Growth Initiative is actively seeking help and guidance from outside resources, including learning materials like articles and books, as well as reaching out to friends, mentors, or counselors. This is one of the most common ways people handicap themselves because they wrongly believe “I have to do everything on my own,” when the truth is there are plenty of resources available to take advantage of (including this website).

    Thought Patterns:

    • “I ask for help from others when I need it.”
    • “I do my own research to learn more about new topics.”
    • “I like reading articles and books to learn new things.”
    • “I’m not afraid to reach out to a therapist or coach if I really need one.”
    • “I connect with communities or groups that align with my values and goals.”

    Example: During a stressful life transition, like a divorce or job loss, someone with strong PGI would actively seek out the right books and resources, such as counseling or career coaching, to navigate the situation more smoothly and effectively.

    Worksheets: Social Support Database (PDF) + Role Models (PDF)

    Intentional Behavior

    Intentional Behavior refers to the daily or weekly actions you take that are purposefully directed toward achieving your goals. Unlike Readiness for Change, which is about being mentally prepared and open to growth, Intentional Behavior is about translating that readiness into consistent, goal-directed actions. It’s the final step between “talk” and “action.” For example, Readiness for Change might mean deciding that improving your health is necessary, while Intentional Behavior is actually getting up every morning to go for a jog or preparing a healthy meal. 

    Thought Patterns:

    • “I turn my intentions into actions.”
    • “I take small steps forward every day.”
    • “I build new habits into my daily routine that bring me closer to my goals.”
    • “I know what steps I can take to make intentional changes in myself.”

    Example: After recognizing the need for change and making a plan, intentional behavior would involve committing to daily or weekly actions—whether it’s setting aside time for self-care or networking to explore new career opportunities. Each small step compounds over time, leading to greater progress and resilience.

    Worksheets: Daily Routine (PDF) + Future Self Worksheet (PDF)

    The Long-Term Benefits of PGI on Well-Being

    Each of these components supports and strengthens the next, creating a clear pathway from “ideas” to “actions.”

    “Readiness for Change” sets the foundation by keeping you open to new paths and patterns in life, ensuring that you are mentally prepared for growth and change when needed. From there, “Making a Plan” gives direction and a direct course for action, “Using Resources” provides support, knowledge, and inspirational boosts, and “Intentional Behavior” turns plans into consistent daily and weekly action. Together, they create a feedback loop that encourages continuous growth and resilience.

    For example, someone with high Readiness for Change will see a major setback, like losing a job, as an opportunity to learn new skills or change their career path. They use Planfulness to plot a course of action they can follow, like going back to school or learning a new trade, seek new resources like career counseling, job fairs, or apprenticeships, and take consistent daily action, such as taking classes, practicing new skills, or sending out resumes – all of which help them not only cope with this major life change, but also thrive and ultimately find a better path forward in the long run.

    One study published in the Journal of Happiness Studies found that PGI is positively related to adaptive coping styles and self-efficacy, suggesting that those who actively engage in personal growth are better equipped to handle negative and stressful events more effectively, because they approach life’s obstacles with the mindset of growth and learning rather than resignation and defeat.

    If you aren’t ready to make a change – or you are completely resistant to change – it’s unlikely to happen. This includes therapy and coaching, where studies show that “motivational readiness” can be a contributing factor to how effective a therapeutic intervention is. This aligns with common factors theory, where one of the most important features of successful therapy and counseling is “shared goals” among therapist and client – you have to be on the same page about where you are and where you want to go.

    Overall, PGI fosters a mindset that not only supports mental health and well-being but also builds long-term grit and resilience. By approaching challenges with intentional growth, individuals are more prepared to navigate life’s obstacles, setbacks, and inevitable ups and downs.

    Embrace the Will to Improve

    The best way to prove your commitment to something is through your actions.

    Ask yourself, “What is the smallest step I can take today to start moving in the right direction?” Maybe it’s joining a gym, starting a new hobby, setting a 10-minute daily reading habit, or subscribing to our newsletter for more actionable tips and advice on self-improvement.

    Personal Growth Initiative is about more than just wanting to improve — it’s about intentionally working toward becoming a better version of yourself. Start today by taking one small step, however small it may be.


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    Steven Handel

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    November 14, 2024
  • Finding Meaning in Virtual Worlds: How Online Gaming and Digital Communities Can Transform Lives

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    Virtual worlds and online gaming have become a new source of meaning, purpose, and belonging in today’s world, especially for those who struggle with loneliness, social anxiety, or physical disabilities. The new documentary The Remarkable Life of Ibelin shares the inspiring story of Mats Steen, a young Norwegian man with Duchenne muscular dystrophy, who built a meaningful life through the popular game World of Warcraft.


    The digital world is sometimes criticized for being a “shallow escape” from real life. However, for many it can be a reliable source of meaning, connection, and purpose—especially for those who may find it difficult to fulfill certain needs and values in their regular daily lives.

    The Remarkable Life of Ibelin

    The 2024 documentary The Remarkable Life of Ibelin is an insightful and heartfelt story on how people find real meaning, connection, and purpose through online gaming and virtual worlds.

    Mats Steen, a young Norwegian man living with Duchenne muscular dystrophy, found freedom and fulfillment through his digital persona, Ibelin, in the popular video game World of Warcraft. Mats’ physical limitations were significant, but in Azeroth, he experienced life without barriers.

    His parents only discovered the extent of his online relationships after his death, realizing that the world they thought was isolating had actually given Mats purpose and belonging. For eight years, Mats was an active member of the Starlight community, a guild within World of Warcraft that became like a family to him. Every evening, Mats would log in to talk, roleplay, and have fun with dozens of online friends. Throughout those years, he dedicated over 20,000 hours to the game and participated in conversations that filled more than 42,000 pages of chat logs.

    The documentary used these chat logs to recreate Ibelin’s life within the game, including sentimental and meaningful moments with his online friends Rumour and Reike. Viewers get to witness, through these virtual interactions, how Mats / Ibelin found a place where he was valued not for his physical abilities, but for his personality, humor, and kindness.

    Through this digital world, Mats was able to find a sense of purpose and belonging. As he says in the documentary, “Games are my sanctuary. I am safe here, feel valued and respected.”

    Finding Love and Romantic Fulfillment in Virtual Space

    Due to his physical condition, Mats struggled to find love and romance at school or among real life friends. However, through his virtual avatar Ibelin in the game, Mats was able to experience rare moments of romantic connection that he never thought possible. For once, he was able to connect with people just based on who they are on the inside; as Mats observed, “Everyone looks good in this world, so looks don’t matter, it’s about personality.”

    In World of Warcraft, Mats formed a romantic bond with a player known as Rumour. Their connection began with playful moments, like when Rumour stole his hat “just to see what happens,” and gradually grew into a deeper and more significant connection over time. One of the most memorable moments was their virtual kiss, which Mats described as, “The closest thing I’ve ever been to a crush my entire life.” Mats would give her digital gifts and flowers, and she reciprocated by drawing a real-life picture of their characters embracing—a gift Mats would hang in his room.

    Real-World Emotional Bonds

    These digital connections often spilled over into real lives and deep emotional bonds.

    One day, Rumour mysteriously disappeared from the game and stopped playing. Mats only later found out that her parents had taken her computer away due to her poor grades. This sudden disconnect deeply affected Rumour, whose real name was Lisette, and she began struggling with depression because she could no longer connect with her online friends. Mats, finding out about her pain, wrote a heartfelt letter to her parents, pleading with them to return her computer and emphasizing the value of the relationships she had formed in the digital world. His support helped Lisette during one of the most challenging periods she faced, showing how genuine and meaningful digital bonds can be, even outside of virtual spaces.

    Another one of his gaming friends, Xenia, known as Reike in the game, struggled to connect with her autistic son. Mats encouraged her to try gaming as a way to bridge the gap, and through World of Warcraft, Xenia was able to find new ways to communicate and bond with her son, including giving each other “virtual hugs,” which was a big deal because her son struggled with human touch in the real world. Xenia also said that her son could now share things with her that he normally couldn’t in person or face-to-face, improving their overall ability to communicate and connect through the shared experience of video games. 

    These are just a couple examples of how Mats’ digital relationships had significant, positive effects on the real lives of those around him, illustrating the powerful potential of online communities to bring about meaningful change.

    Opening Up About His Condition

    Mats took a long time to open up about his physical condition to the other members of Starlight. Feeling completely protected behind his virtual persona, Mats could ignore his material reality and didn’t have to worry about people showing him superficial pity or sympathy because of his illness. 

    This hesitation to open up and be vulnerable unfortunately led to some missed opportunities, including missed phone calls and video chats with his online friends. And during a real-life meetup and party for all the members of Starlight, Mats ended up being one of the few to not attend.

    Despite his fears of vulnerability, Mats eventually found the courage to open up as his illness progressed. He shared his fears of dying without meaning anything to anyone with Reike/Xenia, who reminded him of the profound impact he had made on her life and her son’s life. She then listed all the other people he had positively influenced, proving just how meaningful his presence had been over the years.

    Ibelin’s Funeral and Legacy

    After Mats’ death, the emotional weight of his digital connections became evident. When his parents announced his death on his blog, there was an outpouring of emails filled with love, sympathy, and support for Mats / Ibelin and his family. One email read, “What mattered to Mats was being able to spread joy in our lives. And stuff I learned from his example has changed the way I think about life. I hope that wherever he is, he knows that he’s remembered and treasured, and smiling right now.” Five of his online friends from multiple different countries attended his funeral, showing how deeply these connections extended outside of the virtual world. The Starlight community also organized their own virtual funeral for Ibelin, which has now become an annual tradition to honor his memory.

    Studies Supporting the Value of Online Gaming

    A well-known study (PDF) by Nick Yee (2006) identified three primary motivations for playing MMORPGs (Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games), such as World of Warcraft. Each of these motivations can be seen in Mats’ experience as Ibelin:

    • Achievement: The drive to accomplish goals, gain recognition, and feel a sense of success. Mats fulfilled important roles within the game, like his ‘investigator job,’ which gave him a sense of duty and made him feel valued and respected as a member of the Starlight team.
    • Social Interaction: The desire to connect, build relationships, and be part of a community. Mats was an active member of the Starlight community, where he built meaningful friendships both online and offline, including his connections with Reike (Xenia) and Rumour (Lisette).
    • Immersion: The desire to lose oneself in a fantasy world and experience life through a completely new perspective. Mats immersed himself in his avatar Ibelin and the virtual world of Azeroth, finding freedom from his chronic illness and experiencing life in a way that was uniquely empowering and uplifting. 

    In another related study published in Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, researchers found that players often experience deep social connections within their gaming communities which can help alleviate feelings of loneliness and isolation, especially for those who struggle with social anxiety or shyness. And a study in Computers in Human Behavior indicated that the collaborative nature of online games encourages many pro-social attributes such as improved communication, trust, and shared purpose.

    All of these elements are evident in Mats’ story, where his participation in the Starlight community gave him a valued role within a group and elevated his sense of identity and self-worth – all of which are important pillars in building a meaningful life. For individuals facing challenges like physical disabilities or social anxiety, online games can provide an accessible way to fulfill essential psychological needs that may be harder to meet in the physical world.

    Feeling Like You Made a Difference Somewhere

    One of the most meaningful aspects of Mats’ journey as Ibelin was his desire to make a difference in the lives of others. Despite his fears of dying without leaving a mark, Mats’ impact was undeniable. Through his friendships with Rumour, Reike, and others, he provided emotional support, created lasting memories, and changed lives for the better. His story reminds us that feeling like we have made a difference — whether in the physical or digital world —is a fundamental human need that gives life purpose.

    The annual virtual memorials held by the Starlight community, the heartfelt emails his parents received, and the international attendance at his funeral are all powerful symbols of the difference Mats made. His story shows that creating a positive impact on others isn’t just about physical presence, but ultimately the energy you give to others.

    Conclusion

    The Remarkable Life of Ibelin invites us to reconsider how we view digital spaces and the potential they hold for providing meaning, connection, and purpose. The emotional weight of Mats’ story moved me deeply—I’ll admit that by the end of the documentary I was tearing up a little bit, but that shows how powerful “just digital” relationships can be and how inseparable they are from our broader reality. For Mats Steen, World of Warcraft was more than just a game—it was a lifeline, a place where he could be a stronger and more confident version of himself, find love and romantic connection, and support his friends in a real and tangible way. His story is a powerful reminder that behind every avatar is a real person, and that the connections we form online can be just as enriching and life-changing as those we form in the physical world.  

    If you’re looking for more insightful documentaries, check out my recommended list of documentaries here.



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    Steven Handel

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    November 7, 2024
  • Third Spaces: The Building Blocks of A Healthy Community and Social Life

    Third Spaces: The Building Blocks of A Healthy Community and Social Life

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    Third spaces are public, informal gathering spots — like cafes, parks, or community centers — where people can relax, socialize, and build connections outside of home and work. In a world increasingly dominated by digital interactions, these spaces play a vital role in fostering community and countering loneliness.


    “Third spaces” refer to social environments that are separate from the two primary places where people spend most of their time: home (the first space) and work (the second space). These third spaces are informal, public gathering spots where people can socialize, relax, and build a sense of community.

    Sociologist Ray Oldenburg first introduced the concept in his book The Great Good Place. He argued that third spaces are crucial for fostering social cohesion, civic engagement, and a sense of belonging. They serve as “neutral grounds” where people can engage in casual conversations and form social connections that they might not in other settings. Places like main streets, libraries, cafes, pubs, and community centers are essential to a functional society and can provide avenues for grassroots activism, community involvement, charity and volunteer work, and social support.

    One of the most important features of “third spaces” is that they involve interacting with people outside of our typical social circle of family, friends, and coworkers. They introduce the possibility of new connections and new relationships. Other important qualities include easy accessibility, low cost, and an inviting atmosphere that encourages mingling and conversation.

    As modern life has shifted more towards digital interaction, the role of physical third spaces has become a topic of renewed interest among psychologists and social scientists, especially in discussions about loneliness and community fragmentation. People are spending less time in third spaces than ever before; and with remote work becoming more common, many people don’t have much of a life outside of home anymore.

    This general tendency has led to an increase in atomization, where individuals feel less and less connected to their local communities and society at large. This has far reaching consequences on health and well-being, as well as social trust, cooperation, and group cohesion.

    Third spaces play an integral role when it comes to happiness and well-being on both an individual and social level. Let’s mention a few common examples and then explore more on what makes these spaces so important to a healthy social life.

    Common examples of third spaces include:

    • Main streets and public squares
    • Cafes and coffee shops
    • Public libraries
    • Parks, nature preserves, beaches
    • Bars or pubs
    • Community centers
    • Bookstores
    • Churches and religious organizations
    • Local food markets
    • Music venues or dance clubs
    • Local sports leagues (bowling, basketball, baseball, etc.)
    • Shopping malls
    • Co-working spaces

    Can you think of any other examples? What are some neutral places where various people can go to meet new people?

    Ray Oldenburg argues that the increase of suburbanization and a “car-centric” society has decreased the use of third spaces and is one major cause behind our more atomized and individualistic world. Many adults living in suburbs have a long commute and a busy work schedule, so they rarely have time to spend outside of home or work. They live and sleep in their suburban homes, but they aren’t involved in their local communities in any meaningful way.

    Modern living creates a fundamental disconnect between home, work, and community, which can lead to feelings of alienation and loneliness. Third spaces can be a social glue that ties these different aspects of our lives together into a meaningful whole.

    As someone who grew up in Levittown, New York – one of the first mass-produced suburbs – I can relate to the feelings of atomization and not having many third spaces to hang out with friends during my childhood. The most frequent spots were typically shopping malls, bowling alleys, or parking lots, but there weren’t many other “public square”-type places where everyone could go on a weekend night. This made it difficult to build social connections or a sense of community outside of school.

    In Robert Putnam’s classic book Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of the American Community, he documents the downfall of community feeling and social cohesion since the 1960s. Key factors behind this decline include changes in mobility and sprawl, family structure and time schedules, as well as technology and mass media. The rise of home entertainment including TVs, internet, and video games has made people less motivated to go to physical third spaces for leisure, socializing, or relaxation.

    There are many factors that have led to the decline in community and the use of third spaces. It’s tempting to want to blame only one thing, but the problems we face in today’s world are complicated and multifaceted. There’s no quick or easy fix for improving the use of third spaces, but we can be more aware of the role they play in our daily lives.

    Are Buses and Trains Third Spaces?

    Public transportation such as buses and trains share some qualities with “third spaces,” such as being neutral ground that anyone in the community can access, a shared experience of commuting together, and the possibility of social connection with locals and strangers. However, these places are typically not seen as “third spaces” because their primary function is transportation and not social connection. The average person on commutes tends to withdraw and mind their own business, so these spaces aren’t very conducive to new conversation or forming new friendships (although it’s definitely possible).

    Building Social Capital and Weak Ties

    When you frequent any third space (such as a cafe, bar, church, or library), you naturally start to see familiar faces and build light social connections there.

    This is what sociologists refer to as social capital, which is just an economic-centric term for relationships that we value, trust, and provide social support.

    Third spaces help form casual relationships (or “weak ties”) that can lead to huge benefits. One common example is learning about a new job opportunity or a possible romantic interest through an acquaintance or friend of a friend.

    Social capital can manifest itself in many small and hidden ways too.

    When I lived in Brooklyn, I would go to the same bodega every morning for my coffee and breakfast sandwich. There were a couple times I was in a rush and forgot my wallet, but since the store owner knew me well and recognized me, he trusted me enough to let me pay next time. That may seem like a trivial thing, but it’s something that can only be accomplished with a minimal level of trust or social capital. If I were a completely random stranger I wouldn’t get that benefit.

    Through third spaces, you begin to run into the same people, build a sense of familiarity and comfort, and start connecting with them on a level beyond random stranger, even just the act of seeing a familiar face and saying “Hi” can give a nice boost to your day (learn the power of “10 second” relationships).

    Find a Healthy Dose of Third Spaces

    No matter how introverted or extraverted you are, everyone needs a healthy dose of social interaction. Third spaces provide opportunities to meet new people, connect with a broader community, and expand our social circle. Often just finding one third space where you feel comfortable and connect with like-minded people can make a big difference in the quality of your social life. Find a third space that works best for you and make it a part of your daily, weekly, or monthly routine.


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    Steven Handel

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    September 19, 2024
  • Social Support Database (PDF)

    Social Support Database (PDF)

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    This worksheet will show you how to create a “Social Support Database” to serve as a positive reminder of all the people in your life who have your back, including family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, therapists, and support groups.


    This content is for Monthly, Yearly, and Lifetime members only.
    Join Here


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    Steven Handel

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    July 29, 2024
  • Paradigm Shifts: A Complete Change in Worldview

    Paradigm Shifts: A Complete Change in Worldview

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    Discover the power of paradigm shifts in driving individual and societal transformation, from overcoming cognitive dissonance to fueling scientific revolutions.


    When’s the last time you changed your mind about something?

    Many people are stuck in their beliefs and worldview, especially once we reach a certain age. Our map of reality is shaped most by early life experiences, including lessons we’ve learned from parents, teachers, and friends.

    A worldview can be hard to break out of on a purely psychological level.

    Once we are set in a view, we seek new information that continues to confirm these beliefs by only looking at sources that already agree with us. When new information contradicts these beliefs, we can easily ignore it or distort it to keep our map of reality intact.

    Accepting that we are wrong about something can be hurtful to our ego and pride, and in many ways our brains are designed to protect ourselves from this discomfort by simply ignoring contradictory information unless it has a real world effect on our lives. As Philip K. Dick once said, “Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.”

    The average person isn’t primarily driven by a search for truth, they just need a map of reality that is good enough to navigate their lives effectively and not get themselves into too much trouble, which includes social pressures to conform to certain beliefs or stay silent about others.

    People can go through radical changes in beliefs though. Young adults and teenagers may go through “phases” as they come-of-age, where they question what they’ve been taught, rebel against orthodoxy, and search for their own meaning or purpose in life. These transformative years can lead to paradigm shifts that last a lifetime, such as adherence to new political, religious, or philosophical ideologies. Many may still return to their old beliefs later in life, but with a fresh new perspective.

    Learning about a new worldview, ideology, or philosophy doesn’t mean you need to adopt it – and it doesn’t necessarily lead to a paradigm shift. Often times learning about radically different belief systems can give us a firmer understanding of our current beliefs. There’s wisdom in learning about worldviews you find wrong, mistaken, or incorrect; at the very least, it will give you a better understanding of where other people are coming from.

    Paradigm shifts aren’t just new or updated knowledge, they represent a complete change in your perspective that makes you see and interpret old knowledge in a different way.

    This shift in perspective can be jolting and uncomfortable at first. We depend on worldviews to make sense of reality, so deep changes in perspective can often make reality feel more confusing or unstable at first.

    We often need to re-evaluate old knowledge and experiences through a new lens, and re-integrate them into a new and better map of reality. This is a mental shift that can sometimes take months or years before it is fully developed.

    My Paradigm Shifts

    My mind has changed a lot over the past decade, which hopefully is a sign that I’m learning and growing. When I first started this website over 15 years ago, my worldview was very different than what it is today.

    A few ways my mindset has changed:

    • Less Individualistic – During my college years, I explored a lot of libertarian philosophy that emphasized the individual over the collective. This is a common starting point in many “self help” circles too, which have an ethos of “take responsibility” and “pull yourself up by your boot straps.” While I still believe strongly in individual responsibility and initiative, I’ve grown to recognize the “no man is an island” mantra and focus more on the importance of social support, community-mindedness, and asking for help. This understanding has led to changes in my political and economic views too.
    • Less Materialistic and Money-Focused – It’s a bit embarrassing looking back on it, but I used to want to be rich and famous. I think a lot of it is just part of America’s narcissistic culture, where everyone strives to become some type of celebrity. As I get older, I’ve discovered new core values that have helped me focus on the more important things in life. I’ve also learned that a lot of my drive for money was really a drive for independence, and those aren’t the same thing. A person can make a lot of money and be trapped in their career to sustain their luxurious lifestyle, but a person of more modest fortune, who can be happy with less, often has more independence because they can then focus on other things in life. That was a counter-intuitive idea for me that took awhile to process.
    • Focus on Social and Cultural Forces – When I was younger, and likely a product of my libertarian days, I used to focus more on the importance of economics rather than culture. Generally, I saw things like music, art, and film as just a peripheral aspect of society, but now I’m beginning to understand their central importance. Every culture reflects and propagates a certain set of values, and a culture that promotes harmful and destructive values will lead to a harmful and destructive society. When I look at today’s world, I see a lot of cultural forces going in the wrong direction. I’m not pro-censorship in anyway, but I find many aspects of our culture need to be analyzed, criticized, and abandoned if they are hurting the happiness and health of a people.

    This is how my mindset has shifted over the years – and my mind will likely keep changing as long as I stay open to new information, new knowledge, and new experiences. At this point, most of my learning has happened outside of school and that’s a path I will continue on for the rest of my life.

    The Structure of Scientific Revolutions

    One of the most popular discussions on the topic of paradigm shifts is Thomas Kuhn’s 1962 book
    The Structure of Scientific Revolutions.

    Kuhn describes that scientific progress isn’t just an accumulation of facts, which he calls “normal science,” but also periods of “revolutionary science,” where anomalies are discovered that force scientists to look at a field in a completely new way.

    Common examples of paradigm shifts in science include:

    • The Copernican Revolution in the 16th century, where there was a change from geocentrism (“earth is the center of the universe”) to heliocentrism (“sun is the center of the solar system”)
    • Newtonian Physics in the 17th century, where classical mechanics discovered by Isaac Newton replaced previous models of Aristotelian physics.
    • Darwin’s theory of evolution and natural selection in the 19th century, which changed how humans viewed themselves in relation to animals and nature.

    Often there is initial resistance to accept new paradigms, which can go through heated periods of controversy and criticism among contemporary scientists and laymen.

    However, once these new paradigms were adopted, they allowed for research and discoveries into new phenomenon which ultimately expanded the boundaries of science and learning.

    New paradigms completely change how a scientific field is looked at. Thomas Kuhn used the example of the duck-rabbit optical illusion to demonstrate how new paradigms can change how we see old information:

    duck-rabbit optical illusion

    A duck or rabbit? It depends on your perspective.

    New paradigms can take awhile to be fully adopted. Old facts need to be looked at through a new lens. New books, research, studies, lectures, and textbooks need to be re-written from this new perspective, leading to a type of cognitive restructuring of society. The philosopher Immanuel Kant referred to the advancements of Greek mathematics and Newtonian physics as “revolutions in thinking,” and they take time to process.

    Generally, new scientific paradigms are better than old ones because they have more explanatory power over understanding natural phenomenon and predicting future outcomes.

    The best measure of scientific truth is its predictive power: if a new paradigm fails to better explain or predict a natural occurrence over a previous paradigm, then there’s no real point in replacing the old model (from a scientific perspective).

    Paradigm Shifts: An Antidote to Cognitive Dissonance

    Paradigm shifts are spurred on when new facts don’t fit into old worldviews. This leads to feelings of cognitive dissonance which is when someone is forced to hold two contradictory beliefs at the same time.

    Often the only way to reconcile this disconnect between facts vs. experience is to find a completely new paradigm that accounts for all old and new knowledge. This may require recognizing wrong or mistaken beliefs from your past, or cultivating a worldview with more complexity and nuance.

    Cognitive dissonance is a painful experience that most people choose to ignore or avoid. Many people double-down on wrong beliefs when they are passionately invested in them, which leads to excessive confirmation bias and conspiracy theories when beliefs continue to be held unchecked.

    At the same time, cognitive dissonance can be a catalyst for change – it’s a signal that we need to adjust our understanding of reality. This can become a real avenue for transformative thinking as long as you are honest with yourself, seek out diverse sources of information, and open-minded enough to see things in a new light.

    Conclusion

    Paradigm shifts are a part of learning and growing on both an individual and societal level. They are necessary for both radical self-improvement and radical scientific progress.

    While it’s important not to “change your mind just for the sake of changing your mind,” honest searches for knowledge and truth inevitably come up against walls that require a paradigm shift to get over and move onto the next stage.


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    Steven Handel

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    June 11, 2024
  • 6 Aspects Of A Balanced Person: A Complete Picture of Well-Being

    6 Aspects Of A Balanced Person: A Complete Picture of Well-Being

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    What are the six aspects of a balanced person? Physical, mental, emotional, social, work/financial, and meaning/spiritual. Learn more about each one and how to improve it!


    In life, there isn’t one single area that we need to focus on that is going to magically fix all of our problems.

    Instead there are multiple dimensions behind every “good life.” Each dimension requires our attention and each contributes to our overall happiness and well-being.

    Here are six aspects of life that come together to create a “balanced person.” By being more aware of these different dimensions in life, we can determine which areas we need to focus on more and work to improve.

    The different aspects of a balanced person include: 1) Physical, 2) Mental, 3) Emotional, 4) Social, 5) Work/Financial and 6) Meaning/Spiritual.

    If we focus too much on any one area, then we risk neglecting another one. For example, if you become solely focused on just work and money, you may end up spending less time taking care of your physical and mental health, or less quality time with family and friends.

    This is a common trap people fall into. They focus all of their energy and effort into one area in life while completely ignoring another. Often they need to reconfigure their core values and priorities before making a meaningful change.

    This is why practicing balance in all things is so important.

    Each of these areas is one piece of a much larger puzzle, and only when you have all of these areas working together harmoniously can you finally build a complete life that serves all of your needs.

    Here’s a detailed breakdown of each aspect of a “balanced person,” along with tips, tools, and practical advice on how you can start improving each one.

    While reading ask yourself, “Which aspect do I need to focus on the most right now? What’s one small change I can make to improve that area?”

    Now let’s dive in…

    1. PHYSICAL WELL-BEING

    health

    The “physical” aspect of life is all about taking care of our health, especially exercise, diet, and sleep.

    This includes what types of foods and drinks we consume on a daily basis, how often we exercise and keep our bodies moving, personal hygiene and cleanliness, as well as minimizing alcohol, smoking, and other harmful habits to our physical health.

    Our body is one of the most precious gifts we have – and without it we can’t exist. If we don’t stay healthy, we often can’t fully enjoy all the other aspects of life such as family, work, traveling, or leisure.

    Our health can often have a spillover effect into all the other aspects of our lives – for that reason, taking care of our physical health is often an essential first step on any road to self-improvement.

    No matter what the current state of our health is, it’s never too late to start changing our habits, even if it’s something small like stretching in the morning, taking daily walks outside, or starting an active hobby like Yoga, marathon running, or playing sports.

    A healthy body is a healthy mind. When we take better care of our bodies, we also feel more confident, motivated, and energized overall. That’s the beginning of bringing out your best self.


    Things to do:

    • Identify small ways to be more physically active. Often our days are filled with opportunities to be more active, we just need to take advantage of them. Try to cultivate an “everything counts” mindset when it comes to exercise, even if it just means taking a walk around the block, or stretching in the morning, or doing push-ups before lunch. Any physical activity is better than none at all – so seek out small and convenient ways to keep your body moving throughout the day. If you find yourself sitting for long periods of time, get up and do chores, take a walk around the office, or make a phone call while standing up. A sedentary lifestyle is one of the biggest risk factors when it comes to poor health, so finding any reason to stand up more is better than sitting.
    • Find exercise that “clicks” with you and your personality. Different things work for different people. Some people need to commit themselves to a gym membership to get themselves off the couch, while others prefer to work out in the comfort of their own homes. Your personality shapes what exercise you like, so it’s important you find activities that resonate and “click” with you, rather than trying to force yourself to do something you really don’t enjoy. All you need is that one hobby to take your fitness to the next level, whether it be finding an enjoyable sport (like Tennis, or Baseball, or Basketball), or even exercising through video games (such as Wii Fit or Dance Dance Revolution). Try to think of physical activities you enjoyed as a kid, that can often be a good place to rekindle motivation.
    • Keep a healthy and consistent sleep schedule. Sleep is one of the most important habits when it comes to your overall physical and mental health. Research shows that those who don’t get sufficient sleep (between 6-10 hours every night) often suffer worse health outcomes like a weaker immune system, higher risk of obesity, lower energy and stamina, and more stress and anxiety. If your sleep habits aren’t healthy or consistent, it will likely have a negative “ripple effect” on almost every other aspect of your day. When you’re tired and fatigued, you’re more likely to make mistakes at work or argue with your spouse. It’s important not only to get between 6-10 hours of sleep each night, but also to maintain a consistent schedule. If you don’t sleep much on the weekends, it’s difficult to “catch up” on those lost hours throughout the week. Try to go to bed and wake up around the same time each day if possible. Here are more important lessons behind a good night’s sleep, including recognizing that some people are natural “early birds” or “night owls,” and that’s something you need to recognize and work with.
    • Pay attention to your food and diet. There are many different diets out there to choose from – and people can have long debates about which one is better – but the most important thing is to not eat too much, especially junk food, fast food, soda, sweets, and lots of processed food. Use your commonsense. Experiment with different diet changes and see what works best for you. Different diets work better for different people – so there’s no “one size fits all” solution to what exactly you should eat or not eat. One simple diet change is to substitute all your soda/juice/sugary drinks with water instead. Drinking plenty of water is never a bad place to start – most people don’t recognize how dehydrated they can be throughout the day and how it effects them. If you’re trying to lose weight, one popular option you can consider is intermittent fasting where you allow yourself to eat for an 8 hour window each day and fast for the remaining 16 hours. You can also try the “One Meal A Day” approach, where you restrict yourself to just one big meal (with minimal snacking). In general, pay attention to how your body responds to the things you eat: What foods leave you tired and feeling like crap? What foods make you energized and feeling good?
    • Take care of personal hygiene and cleanliness. Proper hygiene is another important aspect of physical health. While it can seem like commonsense, basic habits like taking a shower, brushing your teeth, getting a haircut, trimming your nails, and washing your face are are all important things not to neglect. Not only does cleanliness prevent you from catching germs and getting sick, you also feel better about yourself when you present yourself in the best way possible (and smell good). Often we are surprised by how much better we feel after a fresh new haircut, or clean new clothes, or new cologne/perfume. When mental health is low, we sometimes neglect these basic habits out of laziness or apathy, which is why they are a crucial first step in self-improvement if we aren’t paying enough attention to them.
    • Minimize your bad habits. No one is 100% perfect and we all have a couple bad habits, whether it be eating too many sweets, or drinking alcohol, or staying up late, or smoking cigarettes. In general, it’s important to quit (or minimize) our unhealthy habits as much as possible. “Choose your crutches wisely.” Keep in mind the long-term consequences of your habits – while it may not feel like they are hurting you right now, their effects can often catch up to you in the future. When trying to quit any bad habit, identify your triggers and work from there to change to change your patterns. Often by creating more boundaries between you and your bad habits, you can overcome your urge to do them (until it’s no longer an automatic habit anymore). If you find that you have a serious problem with addiction or drug abuse, consider professional help (such as a therapist, psychologist, or counselor) – there are often local resources available in your area if you do a quick search.

    Please don’t underestimate the importance of keeping your body in the best shape possible. As Socrates famously said, “No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.”

    Physical health is about much more than just looking and feeling good about yourself – it’s about living a life of vitality and longevity. You can have everything else in your life figured out, but if you don’t maintain your health you won’t be around very long to use or enjoy it.

    2. MENTAL WELL-BEING

    mental

    If you don’t take care of your body then it will slowly deteriorate – and the same is true for your mind.

    Just because you don’t have to go to school anymore doesn’t mean you can’t keep learning new things, keeping your brain sharp, and challenging your intellect.

    Reading books. Learning about new topics. Having deep conversations. Attending lectures and workshops. Following the news. These are all commonsense ways to keep our minds active and continue to update our knowledge and belief system as we move through life.

    Learning is a lifelong endeavor. Balanced people are always seeking new things to dig into and learn more about like a new hobby, new game, or new skill such as painting, chess, learning a new language, or playing a musical instrument.

    In addition, research shows that continuing to challenge our brain is an important way to prevent cognitive decline as we get older, including lower the risk of dementia and memory loss.


    Things to do:

    • Read more books. Reading is one of the best ways to keep your mind sharp and learn new things. Nonfiction books about science, history, philosophy, or self help can grow your knowledge and broaden your perspective on life; and reading fiction has been shown to have many cognitive benefits such as boosting empathy, creative thinking, and expanding your vocabulary. If you haven’t read a book in awhile, try to make it a goal to read at least one book this year. You can start with a book you already own but never got a chance to read, or ask a friend for a book recommendation, or get a card from your local library and explore countless books for free. Find a topic or subject that interests you and start there!
    • Learn a new skill. Learning multiple skills is a hallmark of being a balanced and well-rounded person. It’s never too late in life to dive into something completely new, such as playing a musical instrument, learning a new language, writing poetry, painting, or playing chess. A jack of all trades mindset can make you stand-out from others in unique ways. Many people have a talent or passion for at least one thing, but when you start combining talents and cultivating multiple interests it shows your range and flexibility as a person. Don’t limit yourself. There’s no pressure to become a “professional” or “expert” in everything you do, just stay on a learning path, have fun while doing it, and enjoy seeing the growth as you go.
    • Watch documentaries. Documentaries are a fun and easy way to explore new topics and learn about interesting things you otherwise wouldn’t experience. Depending on what you like, there are many different subjects to choose from: history, sports, biographies, science, inspirational stories, or nature documentaries (which have also been shown to boost positive emotions like joy, gratitude, and awe). I’ve made a lengthy list of recommended documentaries which I try to keep updated as I discover new ones. Check it out and choose one that catches your eye!
    • Monitor your information diet. Our current world is overloaded with information, including a lot that is wrong, misleading, or straight up lies and propaganda. Now more than ever we need to pay close attention to the information we consume on a daily basis. Try to find trustworthy news and educational sites where you can easily verify what they are saying from other sources. Beware of going down esoteric “rabbit holes” where people only confirm their own biases and beliefs. Actively seek out information from multiple sides so you’re at least aware of different perspectives and counter-arguments. The information pyramid is a great guide on how you should prioritize certain sources over others. In general, a peer-reviewed scientific study should be given more weight than some random influencer on social media. Keep in mind it’s also possible to consume too much and become an information junkie, where you’re addicted to learning new things, but you never act on it or put it into practice.
    • Spend time in active reflection. Give yourself time to think and digest, even if it’s just for 10 minutes while sitting with your first cup of coffee in the morning. You don’t always need to be filling your brain with facts to be a smarter person, you also need to know how to step back and contemplate what you know. Active and engaged minds are always taking advantage of opportunities for everyday reflection when sitting on the bus, taking a shower, or walking the dog. Often your best ideas and insights come in moments when you’re not trying to solve a problem directly but just mulling it over in your mind. Schedule time for solitude every now and then and don’t be afraid to sit alone with your thoughts.
    • Learn how your mind works. One essential component to being a more intelligent thinker is knowing how your mind works. We naturally believe we understand ourselves best, but psychology and neuroscience can sometimes reveal counter-intuitive facts and tendencies. To start, our minds are very susceptible to cognitive biases and logical fallacies that can muddy our thinking and understanding of reality. One of the most common errors is black and white thinking, where we believe a situation needs to be either “A” or “B,” but a third perspective, “C,” is the more accurate view. Our minds like to over-simplify things when reality can often be more nuanced and complex. Show intellectual humility. Be open to being wrong and be open to changing your mind in the face of new evidence and experience.

    Take your education seriously. Maintain a healthy and active brain. Even if you were never a good student in school, that doesn’t mean you can’t improve your knowledge and intelligence, especially once you find subjects you are deeply passionate about. Benjamin Franklin once said, “An investment in knowledge pays the best interest.”

    3. EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING

    emotional

    In the “Mental” section we covered how to keep our brains active and be more intelligent thinkers, but there’s also a whole other side of our psychology that we need to pay attention to as well: our “Emotional” side.

    Emotions can often seem like something that we have limited power over, but being a more emotionally intelligent person means becoming more self-aware and learning how to better respond to our emotions in the moment.

    We can’t ignore our emotions or push them aside forever, they are a necessary facet of life and we must learn to navigate our emotional world effectively if we want to live the best life possible.

    Remember that emotions are a resource, not a crutch. Every emotion serves a function or purpose, and if we channel our emotions in a constructive direction we can make great things happen.

    One important lesson is that even negative emotions like sadness, anger, guilt, or fear are helpful to a better life if we approach them from the right perspective.


    Things to do:

    • Learn the basics of emotional intelligence. There are 4 fundamental pillars of emotional intelligence that we need to cultivate: 1) Self-awareness (recognizing our emotions when they happen), 2) Self-regulation (knowing how to respond to our emotions and channel them in a positive direction, 3) Empathy (being aware of other people’s emotions and internal states), and 4) Social Skills (knowing how to respond to other people’s emotions in a healthy and constructive way). Certain people may be strong at some of these and not for others. For example, someone may be really empathetic and caring, but not know how to regulate their own mood and emotions, leading to burnout and emotional fatigue. An emotionally intelligent person must work on all four of these pillars.
    • Improve body awareness. All emotions have a physical component to them. When you learn how to identify the physical sensations behind each emotion, you’ll be much more attuned to your feelings in the moment as you’re experiencing them. This helps you to be more aware of your feelings before acting on them, and to recognize how emotions often want to push or pull you in a certain direction (“do this” vs. “don’t do that”). Every feeling serves a different function depending on its emotional valence (“positive” vs. “negative”) and arousal level (“high energy” vs. “low energy”). With practice, this improved body awareness can also boost your intuition, making you a better reader of your “gut feelings” and what they are telling you.
    • Learn to channel negative emotions. Negative emotions can serve a positive function if you know how to respond to them in a constructive way. If you struggle with any specific negative emotion (sadness, fear, guilt, or anger), then create a plan for how you will respond to it the next time it arises. For example, “If I’m angry, then I’ll go exercise,” or “If I’m sad, then I’ll write in my journal.” Emotions are energy that can be channeled in multiple directions. Write a list of the many ways you can respond to any negative emotion. Remind yourself you have a choice, and you don’t have to keep following the same pattern between negative emotion → negative behavior. One popular technique is opposite action, where you intentionally do the opposite of what a feeling is telling you to do (to reverse the cycle of negativity).
    • Practice meditation and daily mindfulness. Meditation is a great avenue for better understanding and regulating your emotions. It teaches you how to step back and just observe your thoughts and feelings without needing to immediately react to them. This space between “feelings” and “actions” is crucial for being a more emotionally intelligent person; it’s the main principle behind discipline, willpower, and self-control. Never forget that just because you feel a certain way doesn’t mean you need to act on it. If you’re completely new to meditation, start with the 100 breaths meditation – a simple exercise where you just focus on your breathing. It’s also helpful to learn grounding techniques for when you feel overwhelmed, such as mindful stretching or a 5 senses meditation.
    • Embrace creative expression. It’s difficult to describe many emotions with only words so it’s important to embrace other ways of expressing yourself, such as through music, photography, dance, painting, drawing, acting, or film. Often when I meet people who don’t feel fully connected to their emotional self, they usually lack ways of expressing themselves through art and creativity. A creative outlet is often a prerequisite to better understanding and navigating your emotional world, even if you don’t typically think of yourself as a “creative person.”
    • Savor all of your positive experiences. Life is filled with many joys and pleasures throughout the day and we should try to savor them as much as possible. We have many positive emotions to choose from – joy, gratitude, peace, awe, excitement, laughter, and wonder – and there are a variety of activities that can lead to more positive emodiversity in our lives. Don’t just chase after the same positive experiences over and over again, seek new experiences, new hobbies, and new ways of enjoying life. Learn how to savor happiness as much as possible by being more present in the moment, creating positive memories, and reminiscing on good times.
    • Relax and manage daily stress. Last but not least, it’s necessary we cover stress management as an essential component to mental health and emotional intelligence. Stress is a normal part of everyday life, but if you don’t know how to manage it in a healthy way it can often have a negative influence on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors by making you more sensitive, irritable, angry, and bothered (even by little things that don’t really matter). Recognize when to push yourself vs. when to step back and recharge. In the complete guide on daily stress, you’ll find a great framework for reframing your “fight, flight, or freeze” response by viewing stress as a signal to pay attention to and guide you throughout the day. Don’t underestimate the importance of your comfort zone and use it as a place to recharge after a challenging or overwhelming day.

    Emotions can “make us” or “break us” depending on how emotionally intelligent we are. They are a fundamental part of life, but we often have more power over them than we realize. Learn how to channel your emotions in a healthy and constructive way – become a master of them, not a slave to them.

    4. SOCIAL WELL-BEING

    social

    Healthy and positive relationships are an essential ingredient to happiness and well-being.

    No matter who you are, you crave some type of social connection; even the most introverted person on the planet will have a tough time finding happiness all by themselves.

    There used to be a time when I believed “I don’t need people to be happy, all I need is myself.” But over the years I’ve learned more and more that having social support and a sense of belonging is a basic human need that can’t be avoided.

    How strong is your current social circle? Here’s advice to get you started.


    Things to do:

    • Stay connected with friends and family. You should try your best to stay in touch with people who you already have a strong relationship with, especially family and old friends. There’s a simple power in checking in on people and preserving social connections you’ve already established. It doesn’t take much time or effort to show you’re thinking about someone: a simple text, email, or phone call is all you need to let people know you still care and value your relationship with them. You’d be surprised by how much other people appreciate you reaching out to them, even if you haven’t spoken to them in a really long time.
    • Embrace small social interactions. Every time you leave your home, there is opportunity for social interaction. To build your social muscles, embrace the power of 10 second relationships, such as saying “Hi,” to a neighbor or coworker, small talk with a cashier or cab driver, or sparking up a quick conversation while waiting for the train or bus. Research shows even super tiny social interactions can boost positive emotions and feelings of social connectedness. This can also be a great exercise for people who are very introverted (or have a lot of social anxiety) and want to start being a more social person. Make a plan to have a pleasant interaction with at least one new person every day.
    • Learn how to have endless conversations. One big concern for people when it comes to meeting new people is, “What do I say? What if I run out of things to talk about?” One popular technique known as conversation threading provides an excellent framework so that you never run out of topics to talk about. The basic idea is that every sentence contains multiple “threads” we can go down, and often the art of good conversation is being able to 1) Listen to what people say, and 2) Choose a thread to talk more about. Rinse and repeat and a conversation can go on forever. Also consider improvisation exercises so that you can be a faster and more creative thinker in the moment.
    • Improve communication and conflict resolution. It’s a cliché, but communication is everything in relationships. If you don’t know how to express your thoughts and feelings in an honest and constructive way, you’ll have trouble building genuine and healthy connections with others at home, work, or wherever you need to cooperate and work together with people. In romantic relationships, it’s important to know how to communicate your feelings without manipulating or being dramatic. In family and work environments, it’s important to know how to defuse heated arguments before they spiral out of control. The truth is people can be difficult and you’re not going to like everyone’s company. That’s natural. Conflicts have the potential to arise in any social situation, because people have different beliefs, values, and personalities that may be incompatible with each other. What’s most important is to teach yourself the best methods for conflict resolution so you can better navigate the complexities of your social world.
    • Find opportunities to meet new people. Most people make friends through work or school. Once we get older, it can become more difficult to find new connections or become a part of new social circles. Recent research shows that most adults claim to have “less than 5 close friends.” If you’re looking to expand your circle, there are many opportunities available to you. Depending on your likes, hobbies, and interests, consider going out more to music shows, bars, coffee shops, workshops, church/religious services, bowling leagues, adult education classes, sports events, or book clubs. Seek out local groups in your area or volunteer somewhere. You can also take advantage of websites like Meet Up to connect with like-minded people who live close-by. All it takes is one new friend to introduce you to an entirely new social circle. Be patient and don’t worry if you don’t initially hit it off with the first couple people you meet. Finding the right relationships that fit into our lives can take time.
    • Use social media and the internet to connect. The internet can be a great place to connect with like-minded people who we’d never meet in the real world. Online communities on social media, message boards, or video games can often provide a valuable source of social interaction, especially for people who don’t have many “real life” friends. The internet can be particularly helpful for connecting with others who have rare or eccentric hobbies, such as fans of a specific author, athlete, music genre, or comic book franchise. Unfortunately, many online communities can also become negative, competitive, and toxic (see the online disinhibition effect), so it’s necessary you build a positive digital environment that works for you. That doesn’t mean hiding in your own “echo chamber,” but it does mean cultivating a feed and followers who ultimately add value to your life and don’t subtract it. First focus on topics you’re naturally interested in such as science, technology, sports, or movies. Try not to be a passive consumer of information, actively enter conversations by asking questions or sharing knowledge with others. Often times we can build meaningful connections with people online that are just as important as those we find in the real world. However, while online relationships can have many benefits, we shouldn’t see them as a substitute for real world “face to face” interactions.

    Always remember that quality of relationships > quantity of relationships.

    You don’t need to be super popular or the life of the party to have a healthy social life. All you need is a couple really close friends who support you, trust you, and enjoy your presence. That’s everything you need to be socially satisfied.

    Healthy relationships are a fundamental aspect of happiness and well-being for everyone. Our need to belong to a “tribe” or group is hardwired into our brain, biology, and evolution. Like every other aspect of a balanced person, it can’t be ignored.

    Are your daily social needs being fulfilled?

    5. WORK / FINANCIAL WELL-BEING

    work

    Another fundamental aspect of a balanced person is work, money, and material concerns.

    At the most basic level, we depend on food, clothing, shelter, healthcare, and other necessities so we can live a healthy and dignified life.

    People that struggle to make a living can often hurt in many other areas: physical health (can’t afford good foods, healthcare, or medicine), relationships (can’t support family, no money for dating), as well as our mental and emotional well-being (stress, anxiety, and low self-esteem).

    Unless you win the lottery or have someone else to provide for you, finding a steady job or career is often one of the most focused on areas in life. From childhood up until we finish high school or college, we are constantly asked, “What do you want to do for a living?”

    A few people find jobs they love, many find jobs they like, and most find jobs they can at least tolerate. Balancing psychological needs with financial needs can be a difficult task depending on your current situation.

    While we don’t always get a choice in what we do for a living, there are important ways to give ourselves more power over our work life and financial life. Here are important guidelines to keep in mind.


    Things to do:

    • Focus on your strengths. Everyone has a place in this world where they add value. Before you decide what type of work you’d like to do for a living, it’s important to know what your natural strengths, skills, and talents are. If you’re friendly and good with people, you may excel at managing, customer service, or human resources type jobs. If you’re more introverted and creative, you may want to focus on writing, graphic design, computer programming, or freelance work. What type of activities are you typically good at (or at least above average)? What were your best subjects in school? What do you enjoy doing and why? Complete the strengths worksheet to discover more about your natural skillset. Ultimately, knowing your strengths will influence what types of jobs or career choices will suit you best – including where you contribute the most value.
    • Value education and experience. No matter what your job is, there are always new ways to learn and improve. The best workers in life are those who are always growing and mastering their craft. College is still an important part of education, but what’s even more important is to stay self-motivated and continue learning after school. Many people I know have landed successful jobs that had virtually nothing to do with what they studied in college. In several cases, they were people who taught themselves coding/programming, built a portfolio to show their work to potential employers, and climbed their way up the company ladder from there. All self-taught. You can also consider going to trade schools, workshops, mentorships, internships, and other forms of gaining knowledge and experience that are outside of the traditional college model. Any work experience is better than none at all – you just need to start somewhere and begin building yourself up.
    • Make the most of your job. While it’s rare for any of us to get our “dream job,” we can always make the most of our work life by being a good employee and doing our best. Use nudges to keep yourself motivated and productive throughout the day, learn mental strategies for getting things done that you normally “don’t like” doing, and make friends at work with bosses, coworkers, clients, or customers, because those are the people you’re going to be spending a lot of time with and it’s crucial you have healthy and functioning relationships with them. No matter what your job is try to see the underlying purpose or meaning behind it. What value does it add to the world? Are you proud of the work you do?
    • Live within your means. Regardless of how much money you make, one of the most commonsense rules for financial well-being is living within your means. This includes keeping a budget that you can maintain (for food, rent/mortgage, bills, gas, clothes, and leisure expenses), and not buying too much stuff you can’t immediately afford. Debt can be common at some point in our lives (due to student loans, credit card debt, medical emergencies, etc.), but try to be mindful to not put yourself in a hole that you can’t climb out of. Avoid luxury expenses that put you at financial risk. We sometimes over-extend ourselves due to social comparison and a “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality. We think if our friend or neighbor gets a brand new car or goes on an expensive trip, then we need to “one-up” them with a similar purchase. Many times people fall into massive debt because they are trying to chase status, fame, luxury, or exorbitant pleasures. In general, keep track of all your monthly expenses and find ways to cut back on spending that isn’t necessary. Learn about spending biases that can lead to overconsumption (like the allure of “FREE!,” the “Relativity Trap,” and “One Click” purchases). Big corporations are masters of psychology and persuasion. If we aren’t vigilant about our spending habits (especially if you enjoy retail therapy), then we’ll often fall for tricks that cause us to spend more money than we should.
    • Create a healthy relationship with material things. This article is about being a balanced person. Work and money are very important aspects of life, but materialistic beliefs can also backfire to hurt us. No one lays down on their deathbed wishing they spent more time in the office. Work-a-holics can end up focusing so much on their career that they neglect giving enough attention to their family, health, and well-being. Never forget that there is a lot more to a good life than just money and material things, despite what you may see glamorized in movies, TV shows, or commercials. Psychology research shows that after a certain point, increased wealth and income has very little effect on our overall happiness and life satisfaction. Being rich sounds awesome, but it won’t necessarily make you any happier than if you earned less with a stable and secure life. Take the materialism quiz to see if you have a healthy relationship with money and stuff.

    Remember, money is important but it isn’t everything.

    Financial well-being will often look radically different depending on the person. Certain people may be content with modest and minimal living, while others crave more luxury, adventure, and pleasure. Whichever lifestyle you choose, it’s necessary that money finds the proper role in your life without being completely consumed by it.

    One succinct way to define true financial well-being is “not needing to think about money all the time.”

    6. MEANINGFUL / SPIRITUAL WELL-BEING

    spiritual

    The meaningful or spiritual aspects of life can often be overlooked.

    We may occasionally ask ourselves big questions like, “Who am I?” “Why am I here?” or “What’s my purpose?” but we rarely translate these questions into our daily lives through action.

    For many people, religion is their main source of spirituality and meaning. Attending church, being part of a local community, prayer, and volunteering or giving to charities are common ways people boost meaning in their daily lives. Religion has been shown to improve happiness and well-being by creating a strong sense of purpose and community.

    However, we don’t need religion to have a meaningful life. There are many other sources of meaning, including art, culture, philosophy, literature, music, relationships, activism, introspection, and creativity.

    Where do you get your meaning in life?


    Things to do:

    • Learn the pillars of a meaningful life. One excellent guide on how to live a meaningful life outlines five different pillars to focus on, including 1) A sense of belonging (having healthy relationships with those around you), 2) A sense of purpose (feeling that you contribute to a larger whole), 3) Storytelling (the life story we tell about ourselves, as well as stories and myths about the world we live in), 4) Transcendence (experiencing “awe” and “inspiration” in the presence of great things), 5) Growth (having a sense that you are evolving and moving forward as a person). All five pillars contribute to a rich and meaningful existence.
    • Spend more time in nature. Nature reminds us that we are part of something larger than ourselves, a whole process known as “life.” Nature is a fantastic source of meaning because it continuously inspires positive emotions like joy, amazement, gratitude, and awe. The best part is that nature is all around us – we don’t need to plan a weekend camping trip to experience it – instead just pay attention to everyday nature that is all around you: trees on the drive to work, birdwatching in your backyard, or spending time in your garden over the summer. Having pets to care for is another easy and wonderful source of nature and connection, even if it’s just a small fish tank to maintain. Nature also includes enjoying the beauty of a nice view such as sunrises, sunsets, mountaintops, storm watching, and star-gazing.
    • Take a complete picture perspective. Finding meaning requires being able to look at things from a big picture perspective. What influence do your actions have in the long-term? What type of impact will you leave on the world after you die? When you keep the complete picture in mind, you recognize that even super small actions can add up and have big results in the future. Your life doesn’t begin at birth nor end at death, you are part of an intergenerational chain of cause-and-effect that has stretched thousands of years. That’s a powerful thought if you can see the true significance behind it.
    • Embrace art, music, and culture. Artists are the creators of new meanings, especially famous painters, musicians, filmmakers, photographers, authors, playwrights, and dancers. Pursuing a creative hobby of your own is one fantastic way to infuse new meaning into your life. You can also embrace art and culture more by going to museums, art galleries, music concerts, and theaters. A lot of beautiful art is archived in online art and cultural exhibits, so you can discover a lot of new inspiration by just sitting in the comfort of your own home. Artists of all forms teach us how universal the human condition is. It’s a huge inspirational boost when you realize a book written over a hundred years ago resonates exactly with how you feel today. One of my strongest memories is attending a music concert of my favorite band with thousands of others listening and singing along. Creativity is one of humanity’s greatest gifts and there’s a lot of wisdom, beauty, and feelings of universal connection it can offer us.
    • Signs, symbols, and synchronicity. A meaningful life can be more about feeling inspiration and empowerment rather than thinking only logically and factually about the world. Embrace things you can’t always explain. If you feel like you’re getting a “sign” from the universe, accept it. Our minds often think unconsciously through the power of symbols, especially through reoccurring dreams or nightmares that may be trying to tell you something important. Meaning can be created anywhere if you have the right perspective. Many of my favorite moments in life are when I experience synchronicity, which is finding a connection between two things that seem completely unrelated at first. For example, if I start reading a book and then someone brings up the same book randomly the next day, I try to see that as a sign that I’m on the right path. It may or may not be true, but it is a simple and easy way to add more meaning to the little things in life.
    • Have faith that life is good. Faith may not have any role in science, but it does play an important role in good living. At the end of the day, one of the most important beliefs we can have is that “life is good” and things will generally work out in the end. One of my personal favorite quotes is, “Pray to God, but row to shore.” It shows us to have hope and faith in life, but still take action and try our best in the moment. Both faith and action are necessary ingredients to a happy and fulfilling life. A belief in God or a higher power can make this whole process easier. However, even if you can’t bring yourself to accept “metaphysical” or “supernatural” ideas, at least try to sense the oneness and interconnectedness of all things. These ideas are an endless source of power, strength, and resilience, even in the face of incredible hardships and tribulations.

    A “meaningful life” can be one of the most difficult areas of life to improve, especially while living in a world that is filled with nihilism, hedonism, and materialism.

    However, once you build a strong spiritual core you can withstand almost any difficulty or hardship. It can empower you to a whole new level that non-spiritual people don’t usually have access to.

    CONCLUSION

    To sum things up we must invest time and energy in all six of these aspects if we want to live a happy and balanced life.

    Once again, these six aspects of a balanced life include: 1) Physical, 2) Mental, 3) Emotional, 4) Social, 5) Work/Financial, and 6) Meaningful/Spiritual.

    Which area are you the strongest in? Which area are you the weakest in?

    Keep this framework in mind as you embark on a lifetime of self-improvement. Try the Daily Routine (PDF) exercise and use this resource as a guideline.


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    Steven Handel

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    January 29, 2024
  • Build Your Ulcerative Colitis Support System

    Build Your Ulcerative Colitis Support System

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    Ulcerative Colitis: Securing Support When You Need It Most

































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    January 2, 2024
  • Going Cold Turkey: Breaking Free from the Chains of Unhealthy Behaviors

    Going Cold Turkey: Breaking Free from the Chains of Unhealthy Behaviors

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    Ready for a major lifestyle change? Uncover successful strategies when embracing the “cold turkey” approach to break bad habits, making the process of change both easy and manageable.


    This content is for Monthly, Yearly, and Lifetime members only.
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    Steven Handel

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    December 4, 2023
  • Care and Comfort During Stage III or IV Breast Cancer Treatment

    Care and Comfort During Stage III or IV Breast Cancer Treatment

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    “Advanced breast cancer doesn’t have to be a journey taken alone,” says Sony Sherpa, MD, a holistic doctor in Sacramento, CA. “Thankfully, you have vast support options and resources available to you.”

    Your Doctor and Medical Team

    Many cancer centers have a system of support in place that includes your doctor and other health care professionals. Keep in mind that they can’t help if you don’t share what’s going on. To get the support you need, be open with your questions and concerns.

    “Sometimes patients don’t ask questions because they don’t want to bother their doctor or nurse, or they don’t think their questions are that important,”says Rebecca Crane-Okada, PhD, director of Cancer Navigation & Willow Sage Wellness Programs at the Margie Petersen Breast Center at Providence Saint John’s Health Center in Santa Monica, CA. “But your doctor is really the first place to start.” 

    If your doctor or medical team doesn’t seem to listen to you or respect your questions, or you’re not confident they have enough experience with advanced breast cancer, look for a new team.

    Social Workers and Counselors

    “Social workers, psychologists, marriage and family therapists, or licensed professional counselors help with grief and loss, coping and adjustment, and family communication,” says Crane-Okada. They may also have techniques to help you with symptoms like insomnia.

    They may also help with practical things like housing, transportation, insurance, and financial aid questions. They may connect you with other resources and services, such as:

    • Financial help
    • Where and how to get a wig if you’d like one
    • Help with problems that come up at work
    • Insurance issues
    • Transportation to medical appointments

    Ask your doctor or cancer center for a referral. “Many cancer centers and hospitals now provide oncology social workers and counselors who can help you cope with the psychological, physical, and emotional impact of a cancer diagnosis,” Sherpa says.

    Spiritual Support

    Spiritual leaders and faith-based communities can offer comfort and support. They may help with practical things to make your daily life easier, like chores, meals, and transportation. They may also make you feel less alone and more supported. “A chaplain may be available to help with spiritual or religious concerns or questions,” says Crane-Okada.

    Friends and Family

    Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help. Friends and family often want to help, but they’re not always sure what you need or what to offer. Try to be specific about what things they can do that will make your life easier and better.

    For example, ask family and friends if they can drive you to appointments, watch your kids, help with groceries, or to simply be a shoulder to lean on.

    Support Groups and Communities

    Consider joining a support group, which may be led by an oncology social worker. They’re a great way to connect with other people going through a similar experience. They can also help you feel less alone, find valuable information, and learn new ways to cope. You can find support groups in local hospitals, cancer centers, community organizations, and online. Try the Komen Metastatic Breast Cancer group or search Facebook for metastatic breast cancer groups.

    Online Resources

    The amount and types of support you can get from nonprofit organizations and online resources is vast, Crane-Okada says. It ranges from toll-free helplines to information about your diagnosis and treatment to one-on-one counseling services you can get through teletherapy.

    Try these online resources:

    • American Cancer Society
    • National Cancer Institute
    • Patient Advocate Foundation
    • National Coalition of Cancer Survivorship
    • Cancer Support Community
    • Cancer Care
    • Cancer Net

    Palliative Care

    You can have palliative care no matter your age, type, or stage of cancer. It’s for anyone who wants to feel better, manage symptoms, and get support with non-medical needs. 

    Talk to your doctor about your palliative care options before you start treatment. Palliative care often works best when you start it right after you’re diagnosed and before treatment. If you have palliative care during treatment, you may have less severe symptoms and a better quality of life.

    Self-Care

    There’s a lot you can do to support yourself as you manage advanced breast cancer.

    Stay healthy. Eat well. Limit how much alcohol you drink. Avoid smoking. Manage stress the best you can. Stay on top of your medical checkups and tests.

    Exercise regularly. Being physically active can help you feel stronger, boost your energy, and lower stress. It may also give you a sense of accomplishment and control. Talk to your health care team to create an exercise plan that works you.

    Follow through with rehabilitation. If your doctor recommends cancer rehabilitation, you may have physical therapy, occupational therapy, pain management, nutritional planning, career counseling, or emotional counseling. These are helpful resources that can help you get more control of your life and stay independent.

    Take care of what’s on your mind. If there’s something that feels unresolved in your life, taking care of it now can give you peace of mind. Consider facing whatever it is that’s making you feel bad. Maybe you want to fix a broken relationship with a family member or friend. Maybe you’re worried about getting your will and advance directive in place. These things can weigh on your mind, so it’s helpful to take care of them if you feel up to it.

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    March 10, 2023
  • How to Find Support and Community for Advanced Breast Cancer

    How to Find Support and Community for Advanced Breast Cancer

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    When Sandy Cassanelli of Glastonbury, CT, was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer 8 years ago, her first phone call was to the one person she knew would understand: a close friend who also had metastatic breast cancer. 

    “She answered all of my questions and gave me hope,” says Cassanelli, who’s now 47. “She was the only woman I knew who had metastatic disease. If I hadn’t reached out to her right away, I would have gone onto the internet and read all sorts of statistics predicting I wouldn’t make it through the next 5 years. But she told me right away not to do that. She said, ‘don’t view it as a death sentence.’”

    Cassanelli is busy today raising her two daughters and running the Breast Friends Fund, a nonprofit charity where 100% of funds raised go directly to metastatic breast cancer research. One reason why she thinks she’s survived — and thrived — is all the social support she’s had over the years. 

    “I’ve made so many connections over the years with truly amazing women,” she says. “While sadly, I think I’ve lost more friends than I’ve made, their journeys have also given me strength to carry on.”

    Overall research suggests that those with more social support may have better quality of life after breast cancer treatment. But it’s less clear how social support affects survival. One study looked at more than 2,800 women diagnosed with breast cancer. Those who reported that they felt socially isolated were twice as likely to die from the disease as those with stronger social networks. One reason is because they may not have had the benefit of caregiving from friends, relatives, and even children. But experts also say that connecting with others is an important form of self-care. 

    “A diagnosis of metastatic breast cancer is forever: there’s no magic cure and it means a lifetime of scans every 3 to 6 months,” says Jean Sachs, chief executive officer of the nonprofit organization Living Beyond Breast Cancer. “Many women resist a community at the beginning because they are so focused on treatment. But they need the social support of others, particularly other women who have gone through similar experiences, so that they can become their own effective health advocates.”

    Connecting With People Who Get It

    Your health care team will offer medical advice, and your family and friends will offer caretaking and emotional support. But people with metastatic breast cancer say that connecting with women who have had a shared experience is key. 

    “There is no better support than the support of someone living with the same life-threatening illness that you live with,” says Tami Bowling, 49, a metastatic breast cancer survivor who lives in Scotch Plains, NJ. “They understand the severity of the diagnosis. They get the heartache you feel about mourning the life that you thought you would have, but they also share the same desire to make the most of every day. There’s a special connection there that you won’t find with anyone else.”

    Natalie Hyman, 46, a metastatic breast cancer survivor who lives in Kailua, HI, agrees. “When you are given a terminal diagnosis, it brings up a lot of emotions that you may not be comfortable sharing with close family and friends,” she explains. “It feels liberating to speak to other women who understand. It’s also very helpful to share our stories about the different treatments we’ve tried, and our experiences with physicians. Knowledge is power. The more we share with each other, the more we feel the confidence to advocate for ourselves.”

    Getting this social support early — within days or even hours of a diagnosis — is critical, says Abbey Kaler, a nurse navigator at the Advanced Breast Cancer Clinic at MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, TX. “It’s life changing to know you have metastatic breast cancer, so (people) need to be able to understand what that means, not just for themselves, but for their immediate family,” she says. “The presence of social support is pivotal in terms of being able to process this diagnosis.”

    It may also help you make life-lasting memories. Soon after her diagnosis, Cassanelli remembers participating in a fashion show with others to raise money for breast cancer research. 

    “The first time I met (them) was the day before the fashion show. We spent the next 48 hours together, and really bonded. It felt so empowering walking down the runway with other women who were also fighting the same disease. There were ten of us originally, and now we are down to three. But we all keep in touch,” says Cassanelli.

     

     

    How to Find Your Breast Cancer Community

    Ask around. Kaler says the first step is identifying a medical provider you feel comfortable talking to. “It can be anyone on your health care team: a doctor, a nurse, a social worker, or a nurse navigator,” she says. Then ask them for resources to help. The cancer center where you are being treated may have a formal support group for those with metastatic breast cancer, or they may be able to connect you with someone in the area. 

    You can also reach out to organizations such as the American Cancer Society, Living Beyond Breast Cancer, CancerCare, or METAvivor. Many of these groups also have social media pages on platforms such as Facebook or Instagram where you can connect with others. In October 2022, Bowling herself organized #LightUpMBC, a global campaign that benefits METAvivor to shine a light and raise funds for metastatic breast cancer research. 

    “It was so inspiring to connect with women around the world with the common goal to educate and raise funds for research,” she says. “There’s a fearlessness and a passion among all of us who live with metastatic breast cancer, and a recognition that we are all united in fighting for our lives.”

    Attend breast cancer conferences. Most now offer online options where you can join virtually, listen to speakers, and connect with other metastatic breast cancer survivors. Hyman has found many members of her tribe this way. 

    “Living Beyond Breast Cancer has a wonderful online conference that I’ve attended the last couple of years,” she says. “I’ve not only met women from all over the country, but I’ve met women who live near me that I’d never have crossed paths with otherwise.” Last year, Hyman connected with another survivor who happens to live in her condo complex. “I introduced her to our local metastatic breast cancer support group that she hadn’t yet connected with,” she recalls. 

    Lean on family and friends as needed. Even though they may not be able to understand exactly what you’re going through, they are there to support you. 

    “My rock throughout this has been my younger sister, Alli, who has come with me to every single cancer scan over the years,” says Bowling. “Since we have to go into New York City, we make it as pleasant as we can: we have dinner the night before at a nice restaurant, stay the night at a friend’s apartment, and then the whole next day we’re at the hospital doing blood work and bone scans.” 

    Pay it forward. Sometimes, when you are grappling with metastatic breast cancer, it’s all you can do to take care of yourself. But during those times that you’re up for it, reach out to other people with metastatic breast cancer, too. “One of the most important things you can do to give back is simply to share your story with others,” says Bowling. “It’s cathartic for you, and it gives other women hope and also the realization that they’re not alone.” 

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    March 10, 2023
  • Marriage May Help Keep Your Blood Sugar on Target

    Marriage May Help Keep Your Blood Sugar on Target

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    Feb. 7, 2023 — Living with a spouse or a partner may help middle-age and older adults keep their blood sugar level in check, new research suggests.

    And it doesn’t even have to be an ideal union. Just having the relationship seems to provide benefit, whether the partners described it as supportive or strained. 

    Katherine J. Ford, PhD, with the Department of Psychology at Carleton University in Ontario, Canada, led the study, published online today in the journal BMJ Open Diabetes Research & Care.

    The team used data from 2004 to 2013 from more than 3,000 people in the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing (ELSA), a sample of adults in England ages 50-89 and their partners.

    The people studied had not been diagnosed with diabetes and were asked over a decade about whether they had a wife, husband, or partner and whether there had been a change in their partnership status.

    Ford says they saw an improvement – an average 0.2% decrease in HbA1c, a measure of average blood sugar concentrations over 3 months — when participants transitioned into a marriage or domestic partnership and a worsening, in this case a 0.2% increase in HbA1c, when they left such a relationship.

    To put the results into some context, the researchers say that other work has suggested that a decrease of 0.2% in the average HbA1c value “would decrease excess mortality by 25%.” 

    Potential Reasons for Benefit

    So why might marriage status affect blood sugar?

    Ford says previous studies point to several reasons: “Oftentimes when people are experiencing stress in their life, having the social support of someone could help reduce that stress.”

    It may also be the comfort of sharing expenses, such as housing, food, and insurance, reduces stress, she says. 

    “One partner might be more interested in healthy eating and that, sort of by osmosis, may influence the other partner in terms of their lifestyle choices as well,” Ford says.

    Add Lower Blood Sugar to the Marriage Benefits

    Other health benefits of living with a partner, particularly in older age, have been well-document in other studies. And studies have linked type 2 diabetes risk with lack of social support, loneliness, and isolation.

    But those factors are complex and less easily tracked, so the team focused on easy-to-capture blood sugar levels.

    They adjusted for factors that could affect results, such as whether the participants were retired or currently working and whether they reported depression or had changes in body mass index, as that number may change as vigorous exercise can become more difficult with age. 

    The authors note that this was an observational study of data so the study can’t prove that marriage status causes differences in blood sugar levels.

    However, a strength of the study is that it used HbA1c, which is a precise measure, as an outcome instead of a measure that relies on self-reported data.

    A limitation is that the database, the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing, includes primarily white participants, so it’s not clear whether the study’s conclusions would hold true for other races, Ford says.

    Using the Information

    The data may have messages for middle-age and older adults and their doctors.

    “If someone’s going through a marital transition — whether they’ve lost a partner or are going through a divorce or separation — for the clinician, it might be important to check these biomarkers, like HbA1c,” Ford says.

    “Likewise, if older adults want to pursue romantic relationships and new partnerships, that should also be supported,” she says.

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    February 7, 2023

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