An anniversary honors the commitment. February 14 honors the spark. If you’re doing dinner, staying in, ordering takeout, or simply sitting on the couch in sweatpants, here are a few last-minute touches that add glow without turning the day into a retail marathon or an argument about effort.
I have long believed Valentine’s Day is not primarily a gift-giving holiday. It can involve a gift, sure, but the point is not to stage a spectacle worthy of a jewelry commercial. It is a playful celebration of the original attraction, the early voltage, the reason you started circling each other in the first place.
By a certain point in a relationship, grand gestures feel like theater. What matters more is quality time, meaningful words that sound like they were composed by someone in the relationship and not a copywriter, and the small act of service of carving out an evening and saying, with your calendar and your attention, “the spark still matters.”
And as we’re barreling toward the event horizon of the Feb 14 black hole, this guide is built for hours, not weeks. Everything here is Prime-able or locally sourced. Think of these as amplifiers that add a little glow for whatever you are already doing, small additions that make the whole evening feel fleshed out.
Use an instant photo printer and place your favorite photos in places for them to find
You could scroll through your camera roll together, or you could print 10-15 photos and leave them in unexpected places, the coffee maker, the nightstand, tucked into a book they’re reading. An instant photo printer turns a digital memory into a physical object in about thirty seconds, which feels almost suspiciously efficient.
Pick your favorite photos of you together. Pick ones where they’re being goofy and not sexy. Pick ones that highlight the draw instead of the ones you’d put in a frame. That is romance as light mischief.
Some new, classy glassware for your stay-at-home drinks.
If you’re staying in for a low key night, you can make things feel a little more like an overpriced cocktail bar on the cheap by surprising with better glassware. It changes the tone of the evening with almost no effort. A coupe glass elevates even a screwdriver into something that feels deliberate. It signals that tonight is slightly outside the usual Friday night rhythm. You are not gifting them a glass so much as giving the evening a bit of ceremony. For under $13, that is a solid return on ambiance.
Jewelry on Valentine’s Day has a reputation for splash and drama. This is not that. A simple chain or cable bracelet is the kind of piece someone can wear every day without feeling like they are wearing a holiday announcement on their wrist. It works as an add-on because it is modest, personal, and enduring.
One of the earliest pieces of jewelry I owned, and one I still wear almost every day, was a bracelet she gave me for my birthday, back when I was still figuring out how to make jewelry feel like me.
A bottle of something like a low-ABV amaro invites you to linger rather than trip up the stairs. It encourages a second round of conversation instead of a second round of apologies. As an addition to dinner at home, it becomes the “let’s sit for a while” moment, the part of the evening where the pace drops and you remember how you used to talk when you were first getting to know each other. It feels curated and fun without being showy or heavy-handed, which, to me is the actually sexy Valentine’s Day mood.
High-end candles as a gift is a meme. High-end candles already lit when they walk into the room feel like you just dropped the needle on a mood. The difference is subtle and important. Lighting a few well-chosen, flex candles before dinner transforms the room in about three minutes. This is Hollywood set dressing for the same room the cat threw up in this morning. Bonus, for an actual playlist to needle drop, this one is energetic but ambient.
Is it a compass or a chaos agent? And which one is actually more disappointing?
There’s a feeling that sneaks in early, usually between “What do you do?” and the second drink. It whispers, this could be it. They like to travel, you like to travel. They “yes, and” your jokes. Your brain starts casting them in every future plan, “what would they be like meeting your friends?”, a dog, Costco runs. You start noticing the signs: green light, green light, slightly delayed text response (fine), green light.
For some, it can show up frequently as quick fireworks that send plans with a new potential partner sprinting ahead of facts. My pattern ran different: I had felt the rush before, just not while I was actually going on dates. I kept hoping for that old voltage and left good first dates feeling satisfied but neutral.
There is a name for this, “limerence”. Clinical psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who deserves a plaque or at least a gift basket for trying to label it, described limerence as “an involuntary interpersonal state involving an acute longing for emotional reciprocation.”
That’s one way to put it. Another way is: the person texts you “hey” after ghosting you for a week and you suddenly feel like God has a plan again.
Limerence is tricky. Not in the sense of, “Is this mayonnaise still good?” tricky, but in the way your brain turns into a group of unpaid interns who start storyboarding your life together the moment someone you find attractive offers you gum. It’s that full-bodied infatuation, occasionally obsessive, mostly absurd, and deeply human.
I have treated that rush like a screening tool. No spark, no second date. Even when someone felt thoughtful, funny, steady, I would leave uneasy, convinced some vital ingredient was missing. When you have tasted that intensity even once, everything else can read like a copy with the volume turned down. Some people feel it all the time, constantly let down.
The real view comes later, after the fantasy gets downgraded to a memory of you pretending to like hot yoga because they once mentioned it. Eventually, the haze lifts and what you’re left with isn’t love or depth or meaning, it’s the sobering realization that being obsessed with someone doesn’t mean they’re a good fit.
Often, it’s a kind of false advertisement your own brain designs, and suddenly you’re stuck trying to return a product you can’t prove was ever actually sold to you.
There’s guilt involved, too. You like how it feels. You want more. You start asking if this is how it’s supposed to feel when it’s right and maybe you’re supposed to feel like this forever and if not, does that mean something’s wrong? You try to chase it, keep it alive, squeeze more juice from a rind that’s already been wrung out. You end up addicted to the high, like the guy who won’t shut up about the first time he did mushrooms and keeps trying to re-create the magic with a broken French press and some expired rooibos.
Something shifts, though, once you stop worshipping the feeling. One day you’re writing poetry in your Notes app, and the next you’re realizing the person in question doesn’t use turn signals and is cruel to waitstaff. The fog clears. limerence evaporates, and you’re left with what therapists might call “clarity.” It’s like going out at night and thinking you’ve met your soulmate, only to realize the next day, in the clinical setting of Panera Bread, that the unstoppable chemistry was mostly gin.
That brings me to equanimity. A word that sounds like a drug treatment center but is actually a foundational principle of Buddhist mindfulness. It’s about emotional steadiness, the kind that lets you want things without needing them to pan out exactly as you imagined. Joseph Goldstein, one of the West’s most respected mindfulness teachers, describes equanimity as “a balance of mind that is unshaken by life’s vicissitudes.” Which is a fancy way of saying “if a detour wrecks you, that isn’t wanting; it’s kid-meltdown-in-the-Hot-Wheels-aisle needing.”
Jonny Wilkinson, a rugby player with a surprisingly sensitive inner life, once said, “If I need things to be a certain way, I am hostage to them.” That one lands. It explains so much. Like why I’ve historically refused to submit writing unless I was absolutely sure it wouldn’t be criticized, or why I’ve stayed in relationships longer than I should’ve because I’d already told people it was going well. If I couldn’t guarantee success, I opted for silence. If I couldn’t guarantee romance, I tried to engineer it. As if life is a vending machine and I’m just bad at choosing snacks.
What I realized was my needing was so intense because disappointment is, for me, the boss level. It arrives with the weight of a grandfather’s sigh and the subtlety of a marching band. I’ve built whole scaffolding systems to avoid it: Don’t pitch if rejection stings. Don’t hope if you can’t handle loss. Don’t start if you can’t promise the ending.
But these safety measures become cages. The more elaborate the rules, the less room I had to live inside them.
It used to show up in dating, too.
Every new connection carried the weight of permanence. Each early text felt like an SAT question. Every pause between replies, an omen.
I’d think, “This has to be it,” because the alternative was sitting with uncertainty, which felt about as pleasant as standing up from the toilet after watching 30 minutes of Youtube.
When the spark stayed quiet, I treated the quiet like a coffin nail. Part of it was a fear calculation, that whatever you feel at the start is the strongest it will ever be, and from there it only dulls with time and routine. What I needed was more time, more information, simple curiosity.
Eventually, I saw what was happening. Limerence is fine, even fun, as long as you don’t hand it the keys to your judgment. It’s a guest, not a landlord. You can enjoy its company without letting it renovate the place.
Here’s where it all clicked for me: if limerence isn’t a reliable indicator of long-term potential, then it’s not required to have a fulfilling relationship either. For a while, I didn’t realize that. I mistook limerence for “having a crush,” for the early butterflies and late-night overthinking. But they’re different creatures. One is desire with a working memory. The other is a carnival ride you can’t steer.
Joseph Goldstein talks about craving: how it’s fine to want something, but if you need it to feel whole or certain or safe or content, then you’re caught.
Jonny Wilkinson would call that being a hostage. And that’s exactly how I’d lived, waiting for limerence to show up so I could finally feel confident about someone, only to realize I’d handed over all the power to a feeling that doesn’t even answer emails.
At first, this realization was awful. Not in a tragic, cry-in-the-shower way, more in the quiet devastation of learning that Santa isn’t real and the guy dressed as him at the mall is the same guy from the Orange Julius. It felt like all those past intense connections, the ones that burned bright, then scorched the earth, had been previews of something great that just got away. But they weren’t. They were flashy trailers for movies that shouldn’t have been greenlit.
Eventually, I saw it: I’d been prioritizing the presence of limerence over actual relationship health. Things like mutual interest, communication, humor, shared values, basic human kindness… all demoted because someone once made my stomach do gymnastics. Never mind that they might have forgotten my birthday or vanished mid-conversation for days at a time.
“But the chemistry…” I’d say, as if that alone could book the vet appointment or calm an argument.
Limerence, I’ve come to think, is like getting a surprise upgrade to a suite on vacation. It’s thrilling, a delightful bonus. But not getting one shouldn’t ruin your trip. And getting one doesn’t mean your partner won’t spend the whole time fighting with you about where to eat.
It’s fine to enjoy limerence. Be grateful when it shows up. It can feel electric, intoxicating, like a song you can’t stop playing. But don’t use it as an excuse to defend bad relationships or stay tethered to someone who doesn’t actually want to meet you halfway.
Just as importantly, don’t interpret its absence as a dealbreaker. “I don’t know… I’m just not feeling it” might mean you’re expecting limerence when what’s available is something more grounded, something slow-cooked.
If I could pass a note to my younger self, it would be this: the love I feel now, almost ten years into my relationship, is richer and more alive than anything I felt in the first six months. Which, looking back, makes sense. Why would I assume my brain and body could instantly identify my most loving and compatible long-term partner after two dates and a clever text exchange? That’s not love. That’s casting.
Real connection isn’t a lightning strike. It’s something you build, sometimes in messy conversations about nothing, sometimes while arguing about IKEA furniture. It grows through shared history, open wounds that heal together, and the mundane rhythm of choosing someone, day after day, even when it’s inconvenient. If limerence is a spark, earned love is the fire that keeps your house warm.
Equanimity helps with that. You still get to want, to love, to be thrilled but your peace isn’t dependent on whether it all works out like a screenwriter’s third-act montage. You stop building castles out of glances and start living in something closer to reality.
Movies like 500 Days of Summer or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind get it. They show people spinning themselves into emotional knots over projected feelings, only to find, on the other side, a quieter truth. It’s not tragic. It’s freeing. It’s the difference between being high and being awake.
You can feel things deeply without needing them to prove anything. That it’s ok to want connection but not let the fantasy of it replace your actual standards. Limerence, like glitter, is best enjoyed in small quantities and under supervision.
When the spark feels scarce, stop grading by it. When it shows up easily, enjoy it, but set the pace with facts and standards.
And when it leaves, you get your vision back. You stop squinting at the idea of someone and start seeing the world again. Turns out, there’s a lot more to enjoy once you stop mistaking intensity for intimacy.
Use these three guiding principles that will help you navigate even the toughest conversations easily.
Have you ever told your partner that you want them to lose weight?
Me neither – I like to live.
Some topics are as sensitive as fresh sunburn and have the destructive power of two average-sized nuclear bombs:
Finances
Sex & intimacy
Past relationships
The monster-in-law
Family planning & parenting
Stuff that involves triggers & insecurities
Any recurring issues that stacked a massive emotional charge over time
The worst? You can’t avoid them. Discussing them is fundamental to any relationship.
But how you approach them makes the difference between an adult conversation and a full-on blowout.
Here are my best techniques to save yourself from escalating arguments and instead find solutions together.
How To Take Everyone’s Ego Out Of The Equation
The biggest problem that leads to arguments is our ego.
Its job is to make us feel safe and protect us from repeating the suffering we experienced in the past. If someone points out your mistakes but you learned that you’re only worthy of love if you perform and are perfect, that raises your ego’s defenses. It will do what it can to make the other’s point invalid.
It has noble intentions, but unfortunately, it often makes us defensive, deny our flaws, or outright attack the other.
“Speak when you are angry, and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” – Ambrose Bierce
The trick to not triggering it is to create a safe space – a place in which you feel no need to defend yourself.
That’s when people can open up, share their true feelings, and admit their mistakes.
Prepare and calm your nervous system Make sure you have ample time and aren’t stressed when you bring up these topics. Take a few deep breaths before you open the space.
Listen instead of fixing You don’t need to answer right away or solve problems. Just give the other space to express what they want to.
Stay with yourself and don’t interrupt or blame If something triggers you, that’s within you – act accordingly. When you share something, do it without accusing the other.
A great way to open the space is to start with: “Hey, I’d like to have a conversation with you because our relationship is important to me.”
Make it safe and focus on finding common ground – that takes the ego out of the equation.
This Conversation Technique Will Make You Unattackable
One of the major human flaws is that we seek solutions to our problems outside ourselves.
But everything is within us. Our triggers, problems, emotions, perspectives, and even the reality we believe in – it’s all inside ourselves.
So when you tell others to act differently because their behavior hurts you, it creates conflict because you attack their reality.
I know you have no ill intention – but there’s a better way to communicate what’s on your heart and mind.
It’s called an I-Statement.
Simply answer the following questions for yourself:
What have I observed?
How does that make me feel and why?
What would I wish for in the future?
Then, share the answers with your partner from an “I perspective.”
“I noticed you often remind me to do things although I already said I’d do them. This makes me feel micromanaged and also takes away my drive to do what you asked me to. I’d appreciate it if I could do things on my timeline in the future or if we could just agree on a deadline and I’m free to organize myself as long as I stick to it.”
No accusation. No blame. No expectation. You’re just sharing how you feel, so there’s no reason to attack, defend, or argue.
Add a little “How do you feel about that?” after and you’ll minimize the chances of escalation.
“Communication is about being real. Sharing pieces of yourself that may not be comfortable, but are necessary for the growth of the relationship.” – Les Brown
Yes, it’s hard to make yourself that vulnerable – but you’ll either move forward together or learn that the other person is not someone you can have a civil conversation with.
Either way, you win.
Use This Simple Principle To Make Escalation Impossible
I love it when someone brings up stuff from the past.
It’s my favorite right after chewing on my sweaty socks after a workout and getting sandblasted up the butt. Fun times.
It used to happen a lot with my ex-girlfriends. “Last week you’ve done this, last month it was that, yadda yadda yadda.” It was like pouring gasoline onto hot coals, turning a difficult conversation into a full forest fire.
Of course, I tried to defend myself – a crucial mistake because I gave up my frame.
My… what? Let me explain.
In my first semester at university, I was at a house party. The host had put up a big, white canvas on a wall with markers next to it so people could leave their signatures. Since the party was semi-public on Facebook, hundreds of people were there and the canvas quickly filled up.
It only took one guy to slip with the marker and draw on the wall behind it – an hour later, the whole wall looked like a children’s coloring book.
One small break of the frame led to a huge escalation.
Just like the canvas created boundaries for where people could draw, a conversational frame dictates the tone, content, voice, context, and perception of a conversation. When someone tries to divert the conversation, perhaps by bringing up stuff from the past, they try to break that frame to get them into a better position.And when you pick up that thread, you buy into it.
Once that happens, the damage is done because you accepted the escalation.
How do you avoid this? By practicing frame control.
Clearly state what the conversation is about “Hey, you might have a valid point there, but I think it’s best if we stick to the topic at hand. Once that’s solved, I’d love to look at what you just brought up.”
Don’t let your triggers take over I know it’s tempting to retaliate, escalate, and get defensive – but the moment you do that, you accept the escalating frame. Stay calm, no matter what the other does.
Draw healthy boundaries Don’t let others disrespect you because it starts small and gets bigger over time. The moment you notice, state clearly that you need the tone to stay respectful. If they don’t adjust, remove yourself from the situation.
“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” – Epictetus
Frame control can be tough to master, but it’s one of the most powerful tools you can learn.
And as with all things mastery, it starts with mastering yourself.
How To Talk About Sensitive Topics Without Escalation And Arguments
Some topics are hard to talk about no matter what.
That’s okay. Everything you want is on the other side of a few hard conversations. And if you know how to approach them, they’ll go much smoother than expected.
Create a Safe Space – it brings down the ego’s defense mechanisms and helps you connect as human beings.
Use “I-Statements” – share your inner world rather than blaming or attacking the other.
Practice Frame Control – keep the conversation focused on what matters instead of accepting more explosive material.
Opinions can divide you, but the right communication will always bring you closer together.
Beyond the gift I’m giving, this February 14th marks a private pledge to enhance our bond from my side.
It’s gift season. Christmas was in December; Katie’s birthday is in January, and now Valentine’s Day is here. Yes, I’ll get Katie a gift for Valentine’s Day (we always do something small for each other), but this year I’ve been thinking more about the purpose of this holiday. And I need it to mean something other than consumerism.
It’s been a crazy year for us, and we’ve found ourselves lamenting that our relationship has, at times, taken a back seat to the other priorities in life: kids, finances, Katie’s business, my health. It’s a season through which all relationships go, but to overcome it and get back on track, I’m looking at Valentines Day as a fresh start – a time for a few relational resolutions. In lieu of only a simple gift and a bouquet of flowers, I want to make a few changes.
Here are a few Valentine’s Day resolutions I’m considering this year…
Active Listening
I have three little girls who love to play loudly and argue loudly. It’s also an old house, which means I hear every one of their little footsteps upstairs; oh, and the washer, dryer, and dishwasher are basically always running. So it’s literally hard for me to hear Katie most of the time, especially when we try to talk to each other from different rooms (why the hell do we do that?)
On top of all of that, I’m up at 5:45 everyday for work. Katie owns her own business and gets our girls ready for school in the morning before she heads to work. And at the end of the day, once the girls are in bed, we have nothing left. It’s easier to sit and stare at our phones than to converse and listen to each other. And as an English teacher, I’m great at talking, but listening is an intentional skill that I’ve had to cultivate (and I’m always working on it).
This year, I’m renewing my commitment to actively listening to my wife. I need to ask her more frequently how her day went, how she’s feeling about her business, about our relationship, about her friendships, then listen to the response and ask follow-up questions. Did that make you happy? That sounds like it was really tough, how are you dealing with that? Is there anything I can do to support you more in this?
Then it’s time for me to show her that I’ve listened. Ok, so I hear you saying xyz, is that right? If you can paraphrase back to your partner whatever it is that they just said to you, you can convey to them that what they say (and how they feel) matters.
Specific Compliments
Recently we had a birthday party for our youngest, and we were chatting with one of the moms who brought her daughter over. Making conversation, I asked this mom a few questions about her daughter, but somehow all of her answers managed to come back to herself and what kind of mom she is. While I found this annoying, Katie humored her. She smiled, nodded, and agreed with what the mom was saying.
The next day, I made a point of telling Katie how impressed I am with her ability to meet people where they are socially. While I was getting impatient with the responses to my questions (and apparently I was wearing some of that impatience on my face), Katie realized that what mattered most was for this woman to feel comfortable in our home.
You tell your partner they’re pretty all the time, but the best compliments are the ones we get about who we are. Find those personality traits that make your partner stand out and speak them aloud.
Spend a Few Bucks Randomly
And I mean literally just spend a few bucks every once in a while (not just on holidays). The truth is you shouldn’t need a reason to get a little something for your significant other. The point is to convey I was thinking about you even though it’s just an ordinary Tuesday. Here are a few cheap items that my wife loves, and maybe yours will too.
Nail file
$10 Starbucks gift card
Small bouquet of flowers (Trader Joe’s flowers are awesome and cheap)
Favorite candybar
Pack of gel pens
A new nail polish color
A gallon of washer fluid (my wife seemingly goes through a gallon a week)
Cozy soft socks
Hair accessories (headband, scarf)
Face mask (Marshall’s sells these in the cosmetics area for cheap)
Work on Yourself
The truth is that our relationships benefit when we work on ourselves. I’m not saying you have to fix everything about yourself that annoys your partner, but intentional growth is a gift to both of you. This year I’m getting back to a regular exercise routine, and I’m working on keeping a more positive attitude.
There are a few ways to go about this…
You could ask your partner if there’s something they’d like you to work on. If you go this route, you better be ready to take the feedback without getting defensive.
You could make the decision and then tell your partner: I’ve noticed it bothers you when I ____________, so this is something I’ve decided I want to work on.
You could start making the change and just keep it to yourself. And frankly guys, this is the best option.
Maybe you need to listen more, interrupt less, chip in more on the household chores, or be more present with the kids. If you haven’t exercised in a while, and your partner goes to the gym, start tagging along. If you have emotional hang ups hindering your relationship, go start seeing a therapist. The fact is we work on ourselves for our own benefit, but the byproduct of that work is often a healthier relationship.
There’s nothing wrong with picking up that tennis bracelet for Valentine’s Day, but this year, I need the day to be something more than another reason for me to spend money. I’m using this holiday as a reset, a springboard into some healthy habits for my relationship. I’ll let you know next year how it went.
Make sure your good intentions don’t get lost in translation.
“Nakupenda!”
You have no clue what I just said, right?
It means “I love you” in Swahili, a language spoken in eastern Africa.
That’s the problem with languages. We can say a lot of things, but if the other doesn’t understand, you lose information in translation. The words fall on deaf ears.
And it’s not just words.
My mum often gives me small gifts as a sign of her love, but while I appreciate the gesture and know where it’s coming from, it doesn’t make me feel as loved as some of the other ways she expresses it.
We speak different love languages.
It’s a term coined by marriage counselor, speaker, and author Dr. Gary Chapman, author of “The 5 Love Languages.”
If you don’t speak the same language, you can do naked triple backflips to show your partner you love them – they still won’t feel it.
But if you do, it will help you connect with your partner, make them feel the love you give, create more intimacy in the long run, and can help avoid conflict and resentment.
Here’s your crash course to the 5 love languages:
Seduce Their Ears With Words of Affirmation
Science says humans developed spoken language between 150,000 and 200,000 years ago.
It’s our most-used way of communication, so it’s no surprise that words are a love language.
My grandma was huge on this, telling me over and over how much I meant to her. But it’s not just about saying, “I love you.”
People who speak this love language respond well to any sort of verbal appreciation. They thrive on kind, encouraging, and vulnerable words.
Give genuine compliments
Write them a heartfelt note
Express gratitude and appreciation for things big and little
Tell them how much they mean to you and why
Whatever you do, be sincere – empty or generically broad words will hurt them just as much as genuine ones make them feel loved.
Make Them Feel Your Love With Acts of Service
For some people, actions speak louder than words.
You can tell them about your love countless times, but do something for them and it hits harder than a million sentences combined. I once had an ex-girlfriend who melted like butter in a pan every time I made her food. Good thing I like to cook.
People who speak this language feel loved when you put in effort.
Help with chores
Make them breakfast
Take something off their plate they don’t enjoy doing
But again, it needs to be genuine – if they sense you only do it because you think you have to, or because they should appreciate it, it will backfire like a broken bazooka.
Spend Your Most Precious Resource With Them – Quality Time
Time is our most precious resource – once it’s gone, it’s gone forever.
That’s why I like to spend my free hours with the people I love. For me, it’s a sign of appreciation and deep connection. When someone understands, appreciates, and returns it, I feel loved.
But it’s not just any time – it’s quality time.
This means talking, connecting, and being present instead of constant distraction from TVs, phone screens, or to-do lists.
When you know what it’s about, it’s easy to create:
Plan dates and make time to be with the other person
Be fully present and make an effort to get distractions out of the way
Listen actively and make the person feel like they’re the only thing in the world that matters right now
The biggest sin when it comes to this love language is not being present – it makes me feel like I don’t matter. I’d rather have an hour of someone’s full presence than three hours of them being all over the place.
Mesmerize Their Body With Physical Touch
The right person touching you the right way can feel magic – not just sexually.
I once had a girlfriend who didn’t care about cuddling. When she told me she never had been into it, it took me a few seconds to pick my jaw off the floor again. I’m a sucker for physical touch so needless to say, the relationship didn’t last long.
The things that make me and other people who speak this language feel loved are simple:
Holding hands
Sitting so close our legs touch
A quick squeeze when cuddling
It’s not about physical attraction or sexual intimacy. It’s about making the body feel what the mind already knows.
Say It With A Gift
Ever wondered why some people obsess over deeply personal birthday gifts while others couldn’t care less?
One day while I was traveling in Australia, I was walking down the street singing doo wadeedee deedeedum deedeedoo, when a girl from our hostel walked towards me. We were barely in shouting distance when she blurted out “Hey Moreno, it’s my birthday!”
I thought it weird, but later realized she was an absolute sucker for birthday presents since they made her feel loved, appreciated, and seen – this was the day when she could feel showered in love. I can’t blame her for that.
Like other people who speak this love language, she thrived on small gifts.
A flower
A box of their favorite cookies
A little gadget that’s the perfect addition to their kitchen tools
It doesn’t have to be something big – it’s the thought and attention that matters. Missing an occasion like a birthday gift can deeply hurt someone who speaks this language, even if it seems like no big deal to others.
Alternatively, some feel very loved by small random gifts; things like surprising them with their favorite takeout so they don’t have to think about dinner, or a t-shirt with a shared interest or inside joke you found unexpectedly.
How To Connect When You Speak Different Love Languages
Now you understand the “Nakupenda!” problem a lot better.
So what can you do when you speak different love languages?
How do you make sure your partner receives your expressions of love and you get your needs met, as well?
In a nutshell, you’ll both have to learn the other’s language – here’s how:
Assess yourself with a love language quiz or reflect on what makes you feel loved. The better you understand yourself, the more you can help your partner speak your language.
Develop empathy and understanding. Appreciate your partner’s efforts even if they’re in the “wrong” language – they still love you, it’s just a little lost in translation.
Have regular check-ins and communicate openly. Ask “How full is your love tank?” or reflect in a relationship journal. Educate and help each other grow.
Make an active effort to learn your partner’s language. It might feel unnatural at first, but once you see how positively they react to it, you’ll understand why it’s so important.
Celebrate your differences. What seems like an obstacle in the beginning can help you connect if you learn to appreciate each others’ uniqueness.
If both of you put in the work, you’ll thrive together – no matter what language you speak.
This Is What True Love Means
They say love knows no boundaries.
That might be true, but it certainly knows languages.
And if you don’t speak the same, your love is going to dry out like a puddle of water in the Sahara midday sun.
But if you both make an effort, you’ll connect – whether it’s through words, acts, gifts, time, or touch.
That’s what true love means – meet the other halfway, no matter what language you speak.
