I am 39 and date sometimes. I do not have regular sex and find sex more annoying than ever. Am I strange that I have decided not to pursue anyone or anything and rarely do anything sexual? What can I do to get myself back and be open to that again with people or a person? Is it unhealthy to be so closed off?
As someone who has talked about sex basically every day for the past eight years, let me tell you this: yes, sex can feel annoying at times. There are many reasons for that. For me, it is simply fatigue. For most people who do not have my job, the reasons are often more systemic. We live in a world that is absolutely obsessed with sex. It is everywhere. Movies, TV shows, dating apps, social media, advertisements, and especially music constantly tell us that we should be wanting sex, having sex, and if not, you may be missing out on something great. FOMO (fear of missing out) is real and impacts all of us. When you are surrounded by that messaging nonstop, it makes complete sense that you could feel exhausted by it. For some people, that exhaustion can turn into irritation or even a desire to push sex completely to the side. It can also create this quiet pressure that says you are somehow behind, which can make tossing the whole thing aside feel like relief rather than loss. So, friend, let’s dive into why you are not weird for de-prioritizing sex.
First, let me say this clearly: you are not strange at all. Sex is for you. It is not something you owe anyone. Could you imagine if I turned to my friend and told them that I was deciding to prioritize myself by lessening my interest in something that was causing me stress and they told me I was weird for doing that? If that was the case, I would probably need new friends, but in reality, you choosing yourself is important. There is nothing unhealthy or wrong about deciding to take a break from sexual or romantic pursuits. Many people go through seasons where sex simply is not a priority, or where their relationship to desire shifts. Sometimes that pause is exactly what allows people to reconnect with themselves in a more honest and grounded way later on. If you want tome additional reading, take a look at this study here which details how desire ebbs and flows many times in a person’s lifetime.
I am curious about one thing: have you ever heard of asexuality? Asexuality is a sexual orientation that exists on a spectrum and broadly refers to people who experience little to no sexual attraction, or whose interest in sex is very low or situational. Some asexual people enjoy intimacy without sex. Some engage in sex occasionally. Some not at all. Bringing this up is not about labeling you or deciding anything for you. It is simply about expanding the conversation beyond the idea that everyone should want sex in the same way or at the same frequency. For some people, realizing this spectrum exists can feel deeply validating.
Without knowing anything about you outside of the five sentences you wrote, what you are describing sounds less like you may be asexual and more like exhaustion. Feeling annoyed by sex, uninterested in pursuing people, or wanting distance often shows up when someone is burned out by dating, pressure, or cultural expectations around sex, rather than a core part of who they are. That does not mean asexuality is off the table. It just means this may be a season of needing rest and recalibration rather than a label that needs to be decided right now. I would encourage you to sit and reflect more on this and see what feels right for you. Here is a video you could watch to help.
Let’s talk a little bit about healthy vs unhealthy sexuality. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you if this is healthy or not because it depends on what is underneath it. If you notice that you are actively avoiding sex because of fear, shame, past experiences, or emotional pain, that might be something worth exploring, ideally with support. As a therapist, I believe avoidance can be a signal. Avoiding pain can feel stabilizing at first, but the cracks that come with it will start to show up eventually. At the same time, choosing to take a break because you feel disconnected or uninterested can be a very healthy act of self care. In life, and especially with sex, not everything needs to be fixed.
If you do want to slowly open yourself back up to your sexuality, start small and remove pressure. Reconnecting does not have to mean dating, hooking up, or forcing desire. It can look like getting curious about your body again, noticing what feels good and what does not, consuming media that feels affirming rather than performative, or exploring touch, fantasy, or pleasure in ways that are just for you. If I had to choose one for now, I would recommend a media cleanse and removing all content you feel is causing you distress. Remember, desire often returns through feeling safe and relaxed, not by pushing through stress. If at the end of this you decide that sex remains low priority for you, I think that is very healthy and seems to be the right decision for you.
As I wrap up, if you want more structured guidance around reconnecting with your sexual self without pressure or shame, I created an online course that could help. It is designed to help people explore desire, boundaries, pleasure, and identity at their own pace, whether they are feeling disconnected, curious, or somewhere in between. This is not meant to be a substitute for therapy, but more so a place to start for people who are feeling stuck. Feel free to check it out here.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
Hello readers! I hope all of you had a phenomenal end of the year and are starting your 2026 in good spirits. I don’t know about you, but I find there is a love/hate relationship with the idea of, “New Year, New you.” I remember reading in grad school that most New Year’s resolutions fail, and while I expected that number to be high, I did not realize it was close to 80 percent by mid-February. When you think about it, it makes sense. We are often encouraged to make big changes without being taught how to sustain them. That idea of sustainability is where I want to pause for a moment, because if we are honest, most conversations about change completely leave out sex. While sex doesn’t need to be thought about 24/7, I never hear people mention their resolutions around it. So, to help you do exactly that, I want to offer five new rules around sex, along with a few practical steps to help you actually live them rather than abandon them by February.
To start, I wanted to mention a rule I share with all of my clients that I believe is foundational to creating healthy and sustainable sexuality. It’s called, “sex is for you,” and it is rooted in changing a central script for all of us. So often, sex becomes something we perform for someone else rather than something we experience for ourselves. Sustainable intimacy begins when you remember that your sexual self belongs to you and no one else. I don’t care if you are in a monogamous relationship, it is toxic to think that your sexuality belongs to another person. Your body, your desires, your boundaries, and your curiosities matter. If one of you doesn’t want to have sex, we honor that and explore other options, not force ourselves to do something we aren’t in the mood for. This can create a disconnect for ourselves and in 2026, that isn’t cute anymore.
A practical step here is to check in with your intimate self each week. That might mean asking yourself what felt good, what felt off, or what you want more or less of right now. This does not have to involve partnered sex. It can be solo pleasure, fantasy, rest, or simply noticing how your body responds when you slow down and listen. If you are in a relationship, practice incorporating conversations about wants and desires more frequently. One of the best pieces of wisdom I ever heard around consent and autonomy is this: when someone tells you ‘no,’ you can trust their ‘yes.’ Remember that the next time your partner shares a different interest than you do. It’s about learning and collaboration, not pressure and expectation.
Another key shift is moving away from frequency and toward quality. Turning sex into a numbers game creates pressure quickly, and pressure is one of the biggest blockers to desire. Who cares if your girlfriend and her husband have sex three times a week. That sex could be extremely disconnecting for one or both of them and they are just doing it because they feel like they have to. Sustainable sex is less about how often it happens and more about how present and connected you feel when it does. A practical step here is intentionally lessening outcome-based expectations. Intimacy does not always need to lead to orgasm, penetration, or a specific ending. Sometimes one deeply attuned moment is far more nourishing than multiple rushed ones. So, if decreasing to once a week allows for more attention to your desires, I say go for it.
Next up, 2026 needs to be the year of reigniting passion again. We want to remember that one of the ways passion is sustained is through novelty. Long term desire thrives on curiosity rather than repetition. Novelty does not mean doing something extreme or overwhelming. It means allowing room for exploration and play. This is where kink can be a helpful tool. Kink is not about doing everything; it is about consent and intentional experimentation. Exploring a new fantasy, role play, sensory experience, or dynamic can interrupt routines that feel stale. A practical step is to choose one small element of novelty and talk about it openly, with curiosity instead of pressure. If you want a fun resource, check out this link here.
Rule number four involves something I hope most of you are already doing: check-in conversations. Regular check-ins about sex help prevent distance and resentment from quietly building. For people in relationships, a monthly conversation about intimacy creates space to talk about what is working, what feels stuck, and what might need adjusting. One misconception about sex therapists is that people believe all we think sex should be the number one priority in relationships. That could not be farther from the truth. We just want it to be a priority. Talking with those involved in the relationship can help. These conversations should feel collaborative, not critical. If you are single, this still matters. Prioritizing your sexual self might look like reading, listening to podcasts, or journaling about desire and pleasure. Staying connected to your sexual identity helps reduce shame and disconnection over time.
Finally, 2026 is not about comparison. Comparing your sex life to friends, social media, TV shows, or any form of entertainment will almost always lead to frustration. I consume a lot of content for my work and if I tried to keep up with these dudes on, for example, Heated Rivalry, I don’t know what else I would have time to do. Sustainable intimacy requires honoring your own pace and capacity. Do not yuck someone else’s yum, and just as importantly, do not yuck yourself if your desire looks different or if you are not wanting sex at all right now. Desire ebbs and flows, and that flexibility is a sign of health, not something that needs fixing.
As a wrap up, remember this. The main goal of sex is pleasure. Not performance. Not comparison. Not checking a box or living up to someone else’s expectations. Pleasure is personal and allowed to change over time. When we keep that as the anchor, many of these “rules” soften and become guides instead of pressure. If you want more support in unlearning shame, reconnecting with your body, and building a healthier, more grounded relationship with your sexual self, the course on my website, Reconnecting With Your Sexual Self: Embracing Intimacy and Healthier Sexuality is a great next step. Give yourself permission to be curious this year. I don’t think you will regret it.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
With my final column of the year, I thought it would be a fun idea to pause, look back, and reflect on what it has been like to write a full year of Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Fifty two columns filled with sex positivity and insight from someone who has spent his career trying to challenge the misinformation we all received around our bodies, sex, and intimacy. I appreciate all of you that took the risk and submitted questions. It not only took courage, but there is a curiosity present that gives me continued hope for the future. I am also so encouraged, and I say this with all the love in my heart, by the fact that a lot of these questions were kinky as hell, which really shows just how freaky we Clevelanders are. So with that, let’s looks back and talk more about this wild ride we all went on this past year.
I wish I could have done a sort of “Spotify Wrapped” which these columns, but unfortunately, I just didn’t have the time this year. In general, I have answered questions about mismatched libidos, long term relationships, porn, shame, curiosity, boundaries, breakups, and the complexities of modern dating. Some questions were truly wild (i.e. My Friend’s Obsessive Thoughts over a Past MMF Threesome), while others made me pause and take a breath before responding (i.e. I’m in My 70s and Never Had an Orgasm). A few stayed with me long after the column was published because of how honest and vulnerable they were (i.e., Rebuilding Emotional Safety After Pregnancy Loss). What stands out most to me, though, is not any single topic, but the curiosity that showed up again and again. I have discovered that Cleveland is a curious city, and curiosity is one of the most sex positive qualities a community can have.
I often tell my clients that curiosity is one of the pillars of a healthy relationship. It allows people to ask if something is “normal” instead of assuming something is wrong with them. It is what helps someone name a desire they have never said out loud before or question a relationship script they were taught to follow. Curiosity opens the door to conversations about pleasure, consent, boundaries, and growth rather than shutting them down with shame or fear. When people are curious, they become more compassionate with themselves and with others, and that tone came through clearly in so many of the questions I received.
In some ways, I already knew this about Cleveland. The clients who come to see me in my practice often bring in many of the same concerns that appeared in the column. Desire changes over time. Communication breaks down. Long term relationships need novelty and care. New relationships bring anxiety and excitement in equal measure. Sex does not always look the way movies, social media, or porn suggest it should. In that sense, the questions felt familiar. In other ways, though, I did not expect to be met with such a depth of vulnerability from people I have never met.
Many of you did not include a full name or an email address, and some gave very few identifying details. I fully expected this when I started writing this column. My hope was that if people knew they did not need to put down any identifying information, they would be more open to submitting questions. Anonymity can provide a safety for us to express ourselves more fully. Regardless of whether questions were submitted anonymously or not, there is something profoundly intimate about trusting a stranger with a question you may not even feel safe asking the people closest to you, especially in a culture that still struggles to talk about sex without feeling a sense of embarrassment.
One of the strongest themes that emerged over the year was a desire to understand relationships more deeply. Not just how to fix them, but how to make them feel more honest, and sustainable. Questions about commitment, jealousy, emotional safety, and communication surfaced repeatedly, as did questions about what happens when the version of a relationship you were taught to want no longer fits who you are becoming. People were not looking for rigid rules. They were looking for frameworks that allowed flexibility and self-reflection. One of my favorite examples of this was my column on sexual vs romantic compatibility. I purposely made the title appear as if those two were in competition with one another, when in reality, both matter depending on the individuals involved.
Another area that stood out was sexual exploration and kink. The number of questions I received about various different kinks made me so happy. You all are a kinky bunch! From cuckolding to piss play, the true range of fantasy was on display. Some people wondered if their fantasies were too much. Others wanted help talking to a partner about exploring something new. Many were simply trying to understand whether they were alone in wanting what they want. Spoiler alert: you are not alone! These questions were rarely just about specific acts. They were about moving into a space of vulnerability so that people can begin the process of exploration. The fact that they were asked at all tells me that Cleveland is a city where people are at least willing to consider kink as something worth talking about.
There were two columns that seems to get the most attention this year. The first one, Should Cheating Always Signal the End of a Relationship, was pretty polarizing. Cheating is one of those topics that often gets flattened into moral absolutes, where people are sorted into good and bad with very little room for nuance. The reality is much more complex than that, which is what I tried to present in the column. Infidelity is extremely scary for most people in relationships, and I get it, I fear it as well. How we go about doing our part to make sure it does not happen is through open, honest, and vulnerable conversation about the relationship and sex. If you find yourself in a dynamic where sex is not talked about or explored, I would think about why that is and determine if there needs to be more conversation about it.
The second column, I am Gay and Hooking up with My Straight Friend, really confused the hell out of people and started a deeper discussion around sexual orientation and sexual fluidity. Because I am gay, does that mean I can never explore having sex with someone of the opposite sex? Sexual fluidity has existed since the beginning of time and because our society has a difficult time with grey areas, we box people in pretty quickly with certain labels. One thing that is for certain is that more and more people are finding themselves to be sexually fluid these days and I for one am elated to see it.
Throughout the year, I kept returning to one core belief: sex is not separate from the rest of our lives. It is deeply connected to our mental health, our relationships, our identities, our stress levels, our bodies, and our histories. When people asked about sex, they were often really asking about connection. Connection to their partners through vulnerability. When they asked about desire, they were often asking about feeling wanted or understood. When they asked about boundaries, they were often asking for permission to take themselves seriously. It has genuinely been fun to write this column and reading all of the questions that were submitted.
As I wrap up this year of Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist, I want to say thank you. Thank you for your curiosity, your honesty, and your willingness to ask complex questions rather than settling for easy answers. If this year has taught me anything, it is that Cleveland is far more sex positive, thoughtful, and introspective than people often assume. I feel grateful to be part of a community that keeps showing up with openness, vulnerability, and a desire to grow, both in relationships with others and in relationship with themselves. I’m really looking forward to 2026 and can’t wait to see how much freakier and, more importantly, how much more curious next year’s questions will be. Cheers to all of you, and I will see you in 2026.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
As you very well know, we are currently in the wonderfully cold and dark season of winter. Personally, I love winter. Is it my favorite season? No. It is my least favorite? Also, No. In my opinion, winter in Cleveland is pretty amazing (if you can get past the gross grey snow). It always blows my mind when people act shocked or irritated about winter like it suddenly snuck up on them. We live in the Midwest. This is part of the package. Winter is essential for the regrowth of the region. The cold helps control pests and diseases that would otherwise overrun our ecosystems. Snow even acts as insulation for the soil and protects plant roots from harsh temperature swings. So yes, we get the ice that has caused me to slip and fall more times than I can count, but we also get a healthier landscape and a summer that actually feels worth it. With that being said, I get how the cold and those early nights can be draining. So, I thought I would share a few ways to warm up that are a little more creative, a little more intimate, and definitely more fun than just piling on another blanket.
Intimacy games are perfect for the winter because this season naturally invites us to slow down, which makes it the ideal time to practice non-demand touch without the pressure of performing. When people in relationships create moments of intentional closeness, they keep their emotional connection strong while also giving the nervous system a sense of safety and relaxation. These playful, low stakes games encourage curiosity and touch that is about connection rather than outcome. On a biological level, they help release bonding chemicals like oxytocin which support a deeper sense of togetherness. Winter already asks us to seek comfort, and intimacy games make that comfort meaningful and hopefully, erotic. Cuddling is fun, but erotic scavenger hunts could be the spark your relationship needs this season. What follows are three games that can be engaged with all year around, but especially in the wintertime.
Let’s start with a game I call, “Snowed in Scavenger Hunt.” Each person hides three objects around the home that symbolize a sexual invitation. One might hide a massage oil bottle, a vibrator, or a sexy note. Your partner must find them using only clues that relate to winter or your relationship. When they find an item, you offer whatever it represents for five minutes. Think playful teasing, a warm body rub, or slow kissing. The fun is in the anticipation and how intentionally you choose the objects. For the kinky twist, add one hidden item that signals a power dynamic shift. Whoever finds the item first becomes the dominant partner for the rest of the game. They get to direct touch, position changes, or pacing in a way that still honors consent and playfulness.
Next up, we got a game called, “The Cozy Consent Game.” Sit together under a blanket. One person is the giver and one is the receiver. The giver touches or kisses one body area at a time, slowly moving through the body. After each touch, the receiver responds with yes or no or more. This turns consent into part of the erotic play rather than a checklist. Every time the receiver says more, the giver increases intensity or adds a new sensation. Switch roles after ten to fifteen minutes. I like this game because it is simple and helps build confidence in asking for what you want. For the kinky twist, add sensory play under the blanket. The giver may use a cold metal spoon, a warm compress, a soft blindfold, or a teasing impact toy like a small paddle. These contrasting sensations heighten arousal and add a layer of suspense.
Lastly, let’s get a little naked with a game called, “Winter Warm up Strip Cards.” Use a deck of cards and assign each suit a category. Hearts can be kissing. Clubs can be touch. Spades can be oral. Diamonds can be fantasy questions. Each time someone draws a card, they choose an action from the suit category. Every face card allows you to remove a piece of clothing from yourself or your partner and every ace lets you set a rule for the next three draws. Keep going until you are both warm and ready to take things wherever you want. For the kinky twist, assign each suit a kink element as well. Hearts includes a type of restraint. Clubs includes a level of impact. Spades includes a role play directive. Diamonds includes a power exchange question or command. This gives you control, creativity, and erotic tension without losing the playful structure.
Intimacy games are a great way to mix things up this holiday season. Clients are always asking me how to reignite the spark in their relationship, and honestly, what better way to do that than in the privacy of your own home while you stay warm through a Midwest winter. These games invite curiosity and a little playful heat when everything outside feels cold. As someone who does not mind the cold weather, even I curse the world when I walk outside and get blasted with the frigid air. If you want more ideas, check out the link here. I put together a list of fifteen games that I think are a fun way of reconnecting and bringing some new energy into your relationship.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
When I reflect on some of the most misunderstood concepts within the realm of human sexuality, kink and BDSM are at the top of the list. Specifically, the idea that people could find pleasure in experiencing pain tends to blow people’s minds. Now I get it, you may be thinking, “why would anyone like that?” Honestly, fair question. We are taught from a young age that pain is usually associated with something “bad,” a consequence of our actions or feeling we want to avoid. But what if I told you the connection between pain and pleasure is so deeply rooted in us that you might even start to notice it in yourself? Enjoying consensual pain is not weird or pathological. It doesn’t automatically mean you have trauma. It isn’t a milder version of self-harm. It’s simply one way that humans (complex, sensory seeking, emotionally driven humans) explore intimacy. So Kim, join me as we dive into this wild world of pain and pleasure and see if we can’t make it become a little less mysterious.
Let’s begin with the part most people don’t realize: pain and pleasure aren’t opposites. In fact, they share a surprising amount of brain real estate. When the body senses pain, the brain responds with endorphins and enkephalins, which are natural opioids. They soothe the pain, sure, but they also create a warm, “I could sink into this” feeling. Add dopamine into the mix for anticipation and reward, adrenaline for intensity, and oxytocin for connection, and suddenly the right kind of pain transforms into something pleasurable or even euphoric. That is why the slap on your butt during sex or the pinching of your nipples may feel so good! It’s the same reason people love roller coasters, tattoos, marathon running, spicy food, and cold plunges. Kink is just another place where people seek it.
But context is everything. Your body interprets pain wildly differently depending on whether it’s consenting and safe. If you stub your toe on a dresser at 2 a.m., which is unfortunately something I do quite often, your nervous system screams “danger,” while you scream expletives. There’s no negotiation, no trust, no erotic meaning. But if you’re in a consensual kink scenario or scene, one you’ve talked through, agreed to, and feel connected in, your brain shifts the entire experience. It says, “This sensation is chosen. This sensation is safe. This sensation has purpose.” When the meaning changes, the chemistry changes. If I can choose the pain, I can experience it differently. That is how people reach “subspace,” that floaty, out-of-your-head, deeply embodied state that can show up during impact play. It sounds mystical, and maybe not interesting for some of you, but it’s just neurobiology responding to safety and intensity in the same moment.
I would kick myself if I did not write about the myth that refuses to die: the idea that interest in kink must come from trauma. Not everything that is not considered “vanilla” is because someone has experienced immense trauma. The Sexual Health Alliance wrote a fantastic piece on this, and it echoes everything we see in actual research. People who practice BDSM do not show higher rates of psychological distress, nor do they have higher rates of childhood trauma. In fact, some studies show they often report equal or even better mental health and relationship satisfaction. What is true is that some people with trauma do find healing in kink. This is because it can give structure, clarity, control, and predictability, which they may not have had before kink. It would be doing a disservice to the complexity of human sexuality if we reduced kink to just trauma reenactment, because that simply isn’t what the data shows.
There’s also the relational side of kink that most outsiders miss entirely. Kink is built on communication. Before any scene, people negotiate boundaries, share desires, ask questions, and establish safety protocols. During the scene, they check in, monitor each other’s body language, and adjust based on real-time feedback. Afterward, they offer aftercare (i.e. a moment to reconnect, soothe, hydrate, and emotionally integrate the experience). If anything, kink requires more emotional intelligence, not less. Some of the couples and polyamorous folx I’ve worked with who have the strongest communication skills are also the most delightfully kinky. Kink, and more specifically BDSM, don’t have to be so scary.
Let’s talk a little bit about if you’re someone who’s curious about exploring the fun world of pleasurable pain. First, you don’t have to jump into the deep end. I wouldn’t recommend it. You don’t just jump out of a plane when you want to skydive. You talk to others, emotionally regulate, and take it slow. Sensual pain is the same way. I don’t want curiosity to feel shameful for anyone. You can go slowly, communicate clearly, and explore sensation with intention. Quickly, a note to licensed mental health professionals, stop shaming your clients because of your own internal biases. When therapists stop pathologizing kink, clients stop carrying unnecessary shame. When clients stop carrying shame, they actually get to experience their full erotic selves.
As I wrap up, let me just say this: we like what we like. Sometimes that includes sting, pressure, intensity, grasping, restraint, heat, or the sweet hum of sensation that sits right on the edge between pain and pleasure. Sometimes we like to be spanked, pinched, slapped, or bitten. Our brains are wired for complexity, not purity. They respond to context, not sex negative morality. When there’s safety, pain doesn’t stay pain. It becomes connection. It becomes pleasure. Pain is just another language we can learn within our erotic selves, and like any language, it’s meant to be understood, not feared.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
My husband and I have been married for almost ten years, and while we love each other deeply, our sex life feels predictable. Is it normal for things to feel a little stale after this long? I just want things to feel natural again
-Anonymous
Nothing like talking about stale sex to start the week. Hey Anonymous! Thanks for posing this question. First off, congrats on being married for ten years. That is huge! My partner and I have been together for nine, and I can honestly say our sex life has cycled through being fully ignited to completely burnt out more times than I can count, and I do this for a living. If anyone should have this figured out, it’s me. As I say to my clients, it’s not “if” your sex life fades, it’s “when.” You mentioned things have started to feel “predictable.” What does that mean to you? Is it the same positions, the same time of day, or maybe the same routine that’s started to feel less “sexy”? Or is it something deeper? We have to unpack why sex often becomes predictable, and why the solution to your problem might actually start outside the bedroom.
Let’s start with a bit of science. Research from social psychologist Dr. Arthur Aron as well as psychotherapist Ester Perel has shown that novelty activates the same reward systems in the brain that were firing when you first fell in love. Those early stages of infatuation are filled with dopamine, norepinephrine, and excitement because everything feels “new,” the way your partner smells, touches you, or even says your name. Over time, familiarity replaces that uncertainty, and while comfort and security grow (which is often the goal of intimate encounters), that dopamine-driven thrill can fade. I often tell my clients that relationships go from being a new, shiny toy to a treasured antique. While, not all love hearing me call their relationships an antique, the point is that our relationships turn into something that feel more special to us. It’s not that desire disappears; it’s that the brain stops reacting to what it already knows.
That’s why novelty is so important in long-term monogamous relationships. It doesn’t mean you need to reinvent yourselves or start skydiving naked (this felt like the right example). It’s about reintroducing curiosity, play, and a little bit of risk, the very ingredients that helped build your connection in the first place. Curiosity can look like asking each other questions you haven’t asked in years, like “How do you like me to flirt with you?” or “What is your biggest turn on?” Play might be trying something light and fun that breaks the routine, like a sexy game, or a shared fantasy you build together. If you need any ideas for games, click here. Finally, risk doesn’t have to mean something big or intimidating, although it can be. Honestly, it’s as simple as saying a desire out loud you’ve been keeping quiet or letting yourself be seen a little more vulnerably. These are the moments that reignite those neural pathways of excitement and desire, the same ones that were firing when everything felt new.
Now, can we talk how you mentioned things feeling “natural.” I want to pause there, because that word gets thrown around a lot in conversations about intimacy, and it is not my favorite. Nothing about intimacy is natural to us as humans. All of this is learned. You don’t just innately know how to have sex. You learned it, just like you learned how to flirt, how to communicate, and how to read your partner’s cues. Time and time again through trial and error, you gained the knowledge and experience that shaped who you are as a sexual creature. When it comes to this marriage, Anonymous, you learned how to make love to this specific person and if you learned it once, you can learn it again. It might feel clumsy or awkward at first, like relearning a language you let slip away, but that’s okay. That discomfort means you’re growing again.
As cliché as this sounds, relationships are hard work. Really hard in fact. They are not meant to be effortless, but instead, evolve. When the initial novelty wears off, the work begins. One of my favorite sex therapists, Chris Donaghue, once said that no one should commit to another person, or people, until after one year of dating. ONE YEAR! Could you imagine that in our society? He makes this claim in large part due to wanting the relationship to move through the fun, novel phase, and into the working phase so that those involved can determine if they want to continue doing the work or not. Because once you can make a choice to stay and work, without new relationship energy clouding your judgement, you have a greater chance of finding that success. So with that, ask yourself: What would it look like to get curious about your partner again? To treat them as if there’s more to discover (because there is)?
At the end of the day, Anonymous, nothing about this means your relationship is broken or failing. It means you’re human and you’ve been with the same human for a long time. Jeez, if my partner expected me to be the same person I was nine years ago, I don’t know if he would even like me anymore because not only has he evolved, but our relationship and what we expect of each other has as well. In relationships, the spark doesn’t keep itself lit; we choose to relight it over and over again. So instead of waiting for desire to magically return, start building the conditions that help it grow. I challenge you today to choose one small action that will move you two into a more intimate dynamic. Get curious, lean into play, take small risks, and remember that intimacy is a skill you keep learning together. If you can shift from “Why isn’t this effortless anymore?” to “How can we tend to this together?” you’re already halfway back to the passion you’re missing.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
I am a 55-year-old woman who is going through menopause and also has a chronic illness. My capacity to be sexual is on the low end of the energy I am able to give. I do not date or have any sex partners, but I crave intimacy and to be touched. My sexual self has over the last 15 years slowly faded and gone away. What suggestions do you have? I have tried HRT and had very bad results, so I stopped.
-Anonymous
Hey Anonymous! As a cis-male who will never have to experience the impacts of menopause, I want to start by acknowledging the openness and honesty of what you shared. You are navigating not just one, but two major life transitions: menopause and chronic illness. Either one on its own can significantly shift how we inhabit our bodies and relate to our sexual selves. Together, they can create a perfect storm of exhaustion, discomfort, and grief. What I hear in your question is not a lack of desire for connection, but a lack of capacity. That makes sense with what you are experiencing and it’s also incredibly common. Many women and people with uteruses experience their sexual energy dimming in midlife, not because it’s gone forever, but because it’s been waiting for a different kind of attention. Today, I want to share what this evolution can look like.
When menopause arrives, hormonal shifts can impact everything from vaginal lubrication and elasticity to sleep quality, mood regulation, and energy levels. Add chronic illness to the mix, and you’re often dealing with pain, fatigue, or medication side effects that can make sex feel like another task or something to avoid altogether. Before I go any further, a great resource to check out would be What Fresh Hell is This by Heather Corrina. This book changed how I work with clients who are experiencing menopause and it’s not only informative, but also pretty funny. You’ve already tried HRT and found it didn’t work for you, which I want to emphasize is a perfectly valid and important boundary to set. There’s often cultural messaging that if menopause affects your sexuality, you must “fix” it medically. While hormone therapy can be helpful for some, it’s not the only option, and sometimes, it’s just not worth the trade-offs for your particular body. Your body has told you what works and what doesn’t and listening to that is very important.
The piece that stands out most in your letter is your craving for intimacy and touch. That feeling of wanting connection can feel so powerful and all-consuming. This makes sense as skin-to-skin contact releases oxytocin, lowers cortisol levels, and has profound impacts on mood and nervous system regulation. In our culture, unfortunately, we often tie intimacy and touch exclusively to partnered sex. This narrow lens leaves many people, especially single folks, feeling starved for touch when sex isn’t accessible or desirable in the ways it used to be. I often tell my clients that because of this, we need to start expanding our definitions of intimacy. It is also helpful to note for everyone reading this that your sexuality is not static, it is dynamic, and its evolution can be something to celebrate.
While yes, sexual touch can feel great, what if we looked at non-demand touch? Non-demand touch is contact with another human that does not lead to sex. This could be massages (professional or with trusted friends), cuddling groups, restorative yoga with hands-on assists, or bodywork modalities like Reiki or therapeutic touch. Non-demand touch, however you explore it, can allow your body to experience safe, nourishing touch without the pressure to perform sexually. My partner and I pretzel all the time on our couch and when we have gone sometime without doing it, I can feel my body longing for it.
Beyond receiving touch, I think it is important to look at creating a secure attachment again with your body. Not with the goal of reigniting your libido, but to cultivate a sense of aliveness. One of the cruel tricks of menopause and chronic illness is that they can make us feel like strangers in our own skin. I know when I experience even the slightest injury, I feel disconnected from myself. Practices like sensual self-massage, bathing slowly with fragrant oils, dancing lightly to music you love, or exploring non-goal-oriented self-pleasure can all help rekindle your erotic self in a way that honors your current energy levels. This doesn’t have to mean penetrative sex or orgasms. It can simply mean touching your body with curiosity and kindness again. Here is a great article to check out for more information on self-pleasure. Think of it less like “revving the engine” and more like “keeping the pilot light on.” A few minutes of daily or weekly connection has the potential of slowly shifting your relationship with your sexuality.
As I wrap up, I also want to touch on the grief that you may be experiencing. When someone says, “My sexual self has faded away over the last 15 years,” I hear a story of loss behind that. Menopause is not the death of sexuality, but it often requires us to rewrite the story we’ve told ourselves about what our sexuality is “supposed” to look like. That rewriting takes time, and sometimes it involves mourning the version of ourselves that could have spontaneous, vigorous sex without a second thought. That mourning doesn’t mean your sexual self is gone; it means you’re acknowledging the truth of change. That evolution can be incredibly rich once we stop holding ourselves to old scripts. I often describe sexuality as an orb that lives within us that brightens and dims depending on what is impacting us. Although it may feel dim right now, we can brighten it again. Our sexuality is always evolving if we tune into it. Remember, intimacy is not limited to partnered sex. It can be cultivated in many ways with many different people. This is a new chapter in your life, and I hope it can be one filled with grace, acceptance, and adventure.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
I’ve read some of your columns, especially the ones focused on kink, but I haven’t seen you mention AB/DL yet. I am currently in a relationship with someone who identifies as an “Adult Baby” and it is hard to manage. Any words of wisdom would be helpful.
As a kink-affirming therapist, I love any question that allows me to demystify any kink or fetish. The kink umbrella is so vast, with so many different kinds of non-vanilla options, that I wish I could tackle each and every one of them. As someone who has worked with individuals who fall under the spectrum of Adult Baby/Diaper Lover, or AB/DL, it can become pretty complicated. Thanks for sharing how hard it is for you, Anonymous. I have been able to share the space with those who practice the kink, the partner’s of those who practice, and family members who are “concerned” over the kink. What I have noticed is that acceptance falls on a spectrum More common kinks like sensory play and anal tend to be more accepted, while less common kinks like blood play and AB/DL tend to be shut down. My hope with this response is to provide some next steps that may make this new relationship dynamic more manageable.
First off, I want to talk to all of you reading this directly: don’t yuck someone else’s yum. Just because something might not be your flavor of kink doesn’t mean it’s wrong, bad, or shameful. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned as an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist is that curiosity goes a lot further than judgment. You don’t have to like a kink to respect the fact that it brings someone else joy. Personally, I am not the biggest fan of pain play, but that doesn’t mean I am going around calling those people who are “freaks” or “gross.” If you can lean into openness, you might be surprised at how much more compassion and understanding you’re able to bring to your own relationships. Most, if not all of us, have some sort of desire we haven’t shared with our partners. So, do your best to practice empathy when reading this.
Alright, let’s clear up the terms. AB/DL stands for “Adult Baby/Diaper Lover.” The AB side is about role play, adults who take on baby or childlike roles, which can involve wearing diapers, bottles, pacifiers, or engaging in nurturing dynamics with a caregiver. Remember, not all kink is sexual in nature, and some adult babies have no sexual motivation for their role and only enjoy engaging in playing activities. The DL side is more about the diaper itself, where the turn-on comes from wearing or using diapers without the role-play component. Some people lean more heavily toward one side than the other, but many people fall somewhere in between. If you want a comprehensive overview, including specific roles (e.g. Littles, Middles, Bigs) and more talk of age play, check out this link here.
When we explore why people engage with this, it could be for a number of reasons. For some, it’s deeply tied to comfort and regression (i.e. returning to a childlike state can create feelings of safety and release from adult pressures). For others, it’s about power dynamics and the intimacy that can come from caregiver/little roles. When looking at DLs, the diaper itself can be erotic, soothing, or even tied to specific sensory experiences. Like any kink, AB/DL is multifaceted: it can be sexual, nonsexual, or both depending on the person. What matters most is that, for those who practice it, it provides connection, pleasure, and often a sense of identity within the kink community.
Being the partner of someone who practices this kink can be difficult. The most important starting point I tell my clients is to open up communication and try your best to not judge your partner. It can feel surprising when a partner shares any new kink or fetish they desire, but try to approach it with curiosity instead of shutting it down. Ask open-ended questions about what it means to them: is it about comfort, sexual arousal, stress relief, or something else entirely? From there, you get to decide what feels comfortable for you to participate in. You don’t have to dive all the way in if it doesn’t feel right, but finding small ways to affirm your partner’s interests, whether that’s using kind language, supporting them in finding community, or exploring the edges of the kink together, can go a long way in building trust and intimacy.
At the end of the day, kinks like AB/DL don’t need to be a source of shame for those involved. If this continues to be a struggle for you two, working with a kink-aware sex therapist can create a safe space to explore what it means for your relationship and how to navigate any fears or boundaries. There are also resources out there, from online forums and kink-affirming communities to educational books and podcasts, that can help normalize these conversations and reduce stigma. I wish I could tell you that this would be an easy journey, but it probably won’t be. This is going to require continued vulnerability from everyone involved and a willingness to evolve, separate and together. But I will say, the more you learn, the more you realize that sexual expression comes in countless forms, and that’s what makes human sexuality so beautifully complex.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
Recently, I watched the new Netflix documentary on The Biggest Loser and the positive, but mostly negative impact, the reality show has had on society. I want to be on the record stating that I never watched that show and honestly, forgot about it until I was doom scrolling Netflix. It got me thinking about something you hear me talk about a lot in these columns: Erotophobia. As a reminder, erotophobia is essentially the fear of sex or the product of living in a society that says sex is bad. Because of this, we learn to believe and constantly reinforce a slew of harming messages. In life, what we say to ourselves matters. The way you talk about your body, your desires, and your sexual self can either fuel shame or build confidence. Most of us didn’t grow up with messages that were body-positive or pleasure-affirming. Instead, we were fed a steady diet of confusing, contradictory, and often harmful narratives about sex. No wonder many of us struggle with intimacy.
From a young age, we learn that sex is something to fear, avoid, or keep hidden. Just look at the world around us. Music often celebrates men for their sexual conquests while calling women “freaks” or “slutty” for enjoying the same things. Thankfully, we have made some improvements in the past decade, but unless we are using those terms to reclaim our sexuality, we are still perpetuating old stereotypes. Although I find it entertaining, shows like Euphoria put teen sex on blast but often highlight the chaos, shame, and self-destruction around it instead of modeling what healthy sexual development could look like. Reality TV like Love Island turns attraction and intimacy into a game, where people’s bodies are rated, compared, and swapped like trading cards. It’s entertaining, sure, but it also reinforces the idea that sex and love are about competition, looks, and having the “perfect” body. Even sitcoms recycle the tired “nagging wife vs. horny husband” trope, which only reinforces the message that sex is something men want, and women tolerate. Fun fact: Women think about and want sex A LOT. Click here to read more.
Layer on top of that religious and cultural messages equating virginity with value and casting pleasure as sinful, it’s no wonder so many of us carry shame around sexuality. To be clear: not all religions are sex negative. Some have traditions that celebrate sensuality, fertility, and pleasure. But the majority of mainstream teachings that people encounter don’t actively promote healthy, positive sexuality, and that silence often leaves just as much of a mark as outright negativity. It’s like telling a kid not to open a locked closet and expecting them not to try and open it. When you open it in my case, you find the Who Wants to be a Millionaireboardgame you were supposed to get for your birthday, and you are now disappointed.
This is why self-talk matters so much. We can’t always control the messages, but we can control what we repeat to ourselves. This is where affirmations come into play. I know, affirmations get a bad rap. If you don’t like that word, then just call these, “positive self-talk statements.” These statements aren’t about faking confidence. They’re about reprogramming your inner dialogue so your brain and body start to believe new truths about pleasure and sexuality. When I am signed up to play a tennis tournament, I can’t just show up and expect to win. I have to put in the work, hitting forehands and backhands, practicing my serves and returns, so that when the time comes to play my opponent, I am prepared.
Below are some affirmations I have created. I would encourage you to repeat these to yourself a couple times a week and take note of which ones are harder to speak than others. Say them out loud, write them down, or keep them in your phone for when shame starts to creep in:
I am beautiful and sexy. I deserve sexual pleasure. I have sexual energy. My body deserves pleasure. I am a great lover. I am confident in my sexuality. I will embrace my sexual desires. Sex is for my pleasure. My genitals are healthy and sexy. I am open to new sexual experiences. I am worth love and pleasure. I believe in my sexual self. My body is filled with sexual energy. I am confident in my sexual ability. I am more than just my orgasm. Sex is for my enjoyment. I am open to exploring my intimate self. Self-pleasure is healthy and normal.
Healthy sexuality isn’t just about what happens in the bedroom, it’s about the relationship you build with yourself. When the world tells you sex is dangerous, shameful, or just a performance for someone else’s benefit, you have to fight back with your own voice. Self-talk is one of the best ways to do that. We do it every day. We tell ourselves that we are going to be active or that we just have to make it through this next meeting before we can take a break. I don’t know how many times I tell myself, “you got this,” before I greet a client. Self-talk keeps us moving through the sludge this world presents to us. So, be intentional, be kind, and remind yourself daily that you are worthy of pleasure, in and out of the bedroom.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
Tale as old as time, but my boyfriend hates when I pull out my wand. He gets that it helps me have an orgasm, but he wishes we didn’t have to lose it. I don’t know what else to say.
Hey Xena! Whether it is your real name or not, my hope is that you are a “warrior princess” and have an amazing battle cry. Now, while I am reading some frustration in your submission, I am also sensing some resignation. I wish I could say that this was going to be an easy conversation to navigate, but it seems like you have already tried to no avail. So, let’s see if I can help in any way. The battle between man and sex toy can probably be traced back to the beginning of life on this planet, but don’t quote me on that. In reality, toxic masculinity combined with a lack of sex education often plays a huge role is why men feel like they need to be the sole reason why you have an orgasm. A lot of men are taught that it is “their job” to get their partner off and if not, they have failed. If only it were that easy. Orgasms for all humans are complex and while for some it may be a walk in the park, for others, we need to drop the ego, and listen to what is being asked.
Sometimes I sit in my office with a client and, with full confidence, tell them they have never given their partner an orgasm. This is usually welcomed with a dumbfounded expression and total confusion. “What do you mean I have never given my partner an orgasm before? I do it all of the time.” Because I value being an ethical and kind therapist, I go into the explanation I am about to give you so that you can understand the complexity of this euphoric state. The biggest sex organ in the human body is not any genital, but instead, the brain. The brain has the ability to shut down all of our arousal and lock us up at the most inopportune times. For penis owners, this can take the form of erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation while for vulva-owners, this could look like pain during penetration and female orgasmic disorder. This is important to remember for everyone who wants to have an orgasm during partnered sex. It does not matter how great you are at “having sex,” the person (or people) you are having it with must be in the right mindset to get there.
This would be a good time to talk about the “orgasm gap.” On average, penis-owners orgasm much sooner than vulva-owners. Studies show that men tend to reach orgasm in about five minutes during partnered sex, while women average closer to 17 minutes. That difference may not sound huge on paper, but in the bedroom it creates a very real gap in pleasure, one that leaves a lot of vulva-owners feeling left behind. This gap matters because when one partner consistently finishes sooner, it doesn’t just impact physical satisfaction, it can shape how couples think about sex, intimacy, and even their self-esteem. It’s not about blaming anyone’s body, but about recognizing that sex isn’t a one-size-fits-all timeline. For couples, this often means talking openly about pacing, adding more foreplay, or exploring different ways of giving and receiving pleasure so that everyone’s experience feels valued and complete.
Unfortunately, the competition between humans (particularly penis-owners) and sex toys can impact the pleasurable experience of vulva-owners. When a partner feels like they’re “losing” to a wand or dildo, insecurity and performance anxiety can creep in, which ironically makes pleasure even harder to reach. But the truth is, toys aren’t competition at all. As corny as I am about to sound, they’re teammates. They can help bridge the orgasm gap, add variety, and enhance connection when used with intention and curiosity. Instead of viewing toys as a rival, if your partner feels like it is his “job” to make sure you have an orgasm, he needs to think of them as an ally in creating more satisfying, playful, and inclusive sexual experiences for you (and ultimately, him).
One of the best things you can continue to do here, Xena, is reframe this with your partner as a shared journey instead of a performance. Let him know that your wand isn’t a replacement, but instead, a support tool that helps you experience more pleasure, which in turn makes intimacy more fun for both of you. It does not have to be your job to fight his ego. If he does need some support with that, he can reach out to a certified sex therapist who can tackle that for you. Sometimes it helps to remind partners that orgasms aren’t the onlymeasure of good sex, but they sure can make the experience a lot more rewarding when everyone can experience it.
When it is all said and done, remember that these conversations take time and more importantly, intention. If you cherish this relationship and want to see it succeed, this conversation is a crucial one to have so that you two and continue to grow and evolve together, not apart. If he bristles at the idea of toys today, that doesn’t mean he always will. Stay patient but firm in voicing your needs. I don’t need to tell you this, but your pleasure matters just as much as his. The healthiest sexual connections are built when both people can set aside ego, lean into curiosity, and celebrate the tools (toys included) that make sex more enjoyable. Trust me, the couples who learn to do this often discover that their intimacy deepens in ways they never expected. You know your partner better than I do, Xena. Approach him in whatever way you think works best and just remember, this isn’t a sprint. It’s a marathon, and the important thing is that you both get to the starting line.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
My boyfriend and I like having sex in public and I don’t see it changing any time soon. I think he likes it more than I do, and he gets more out of it, but I still think it’s fun. Usually, we find a secluded location when it is dark out so that I can feel more comfortable. Lately, he wants to do it in more riskier places and while I am still onboard, I got to say that I don’t know how far I would go. He told me this when we first started dating so it is not like I am shocked, but how can I have this conversation with him without him getting mad at me?
– Eric
Nothing like a little bit of exhibitionism to start our week. For those of you reading who may not know, exhibitionism is when someone gets turned on by the act of being seen. At its heart, it’s about the rush of exposure. That might look like enjoying consensual play where being watched is part of the turn-on, like, leaving the curtains cracked during an intimate moment or walking around nude knowing a partner is looking. Now Eric, I am not saying your partner is fully an exhibitionist. Exhibitionism is not the same thing as public sex. If I had to define the difference between the two, I would say public sex is more about the thrill of the setting (e.g. doing it on the beach, in the backseat, or sneaking into a park at night), while exhibitionism is more about the audience. It is also worth noting the Exhibitionism is classified in the DSM as a mental disorder, but we won’t be speaking about that misguided failure of our system in this column.
You see, Eric, you can have public sex with zero interest in being seen, and you can be an exhibitionist in private if what excites you is the idea of someone watching. But here’s the important line: consent matters. We need to figure out what you are getting about of these experiences so that you can tell your partner what exactly you enjoy about public sex. Exhibitionism becomes a problem when it’s forced on people who didn’t sign up to watch, like flashing strangers or deliberately exposing yourself in public spaces where bystanders can’t opt in. That’s not playful; that’s violating, a crime, and something that should be avoided at all costs.
But let’s talk a little bit more about why public sex is so thrilling for some people. For some people, public sex carries this undeniable thrill because it mixes intimacy with just the right dash of risk. It’s not necessarily about wanting an audience. Instead, it’s about breaking the rules and sneaking in something private where it’s “not supposed to happen.” That mix of secrecy and possibility can spike adrenaline in a way that makes everything feel more intense and electric. The thought that “we could get caught” often sharpens the focus on each other, making the moment feel more alive, more present, and more charged than the routine of the bedroom. The power of something being considered, “taboo,” can be electrifying for some.
As much as I don’t want to rain on the parade of those of enjoy public play, we’ve also got to be real about the risks. When you’re in a public space, you don’t get to control who stumbles into your scene. Maybe it’s another couple who shrugs and keeps walking, but maybe it’s a teenager riding their bike through the Cleveland Metroparks who suddenly sees two people going at it on the trail. That kind of encounter can be confusing, even scary, and it could leave a lasting mark that they never asked for. Consent isn’t just about the people having sex. It’s also about the people who might unintentionally get pulled into witnessing it. What feels thrilling for you could genuinely harm someone else, and that’s worth paying attention to.
Reading your question, I can see the mix of genuine enjoyment and potential concern you are feeling, Eric. If you’re feeling uneasy about how much riskier the public sex may become, the best move is to be upfront with your partner. You might start with something like, “I love the excitement of what we’ve been doing, but I’m worried that some of the spots we’re choosing are a little too risky.” That way, you’re affirming the fun you’ve been having while also being clear about your concern. My hope is that you have created a relationship based on mutual respect and that he is able to hear your concerns. If not, you may have a bigger problem on your hands.
From there, you can open the door to problem-solving together. Try saying, “I want us to keep the thrill, but I also want to make sure we’re not putting ourselves in a bad spot. How can we find safer ways to explore this?” Framing it as a “we” conversation invites your partner into collaboration, rather than making it sound like you’re laying down rules. Maybe that means choosing more secluded spots, sticking to “semi-public” play like the car or a balcony, or even exploring sex-positive spaces where being seen is part of the fun. The point is you don’t have to lose the adventure, you’re just shaping it in a way that works for both of you.
At the end of the day, Eric, this isn’t about shutting down your adventurous side. It’s about protecting both of you while still keeping things hot. Public sex can be fun, I know many people who put it at the top of their list of kinky desires, but it only stays fun when it’s safe, consensual, and respectful of the world around you. Think of this as an invitation to get creative: the two of you can still chase that rush without risking a neighbor, a kid on a bike, or a park ranger becoming part of the story. Trust me, the right mix of thrill and safety can make your connection even stronger, especially when you and he are on the same page. Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
Buckle up, folx. This may hit a nerve for some of you reading this. I wanted to write an article about a form of monogamy that I see more and more in society today: toxic monogamy. I find that the moment you even put “monogamy” and “toxic” in the same sentence, people can get really defensive. So, let’s all take a deep breath and as you read, if some of you recognize that you may be practicing this kind of monogamy, maybe this is an opportunity for you to think about how you structure your relationships. I am, and always will be, pro-monogamy, just as I am pro-polyamory, pro-open relationships, pro-relationship anarchy, and pro-any-relationship-style-that-works-for-consenting-adults. My work as a sex and relationship therapist isn’t about pushing one structure over another. It’s about helping people create relationships that are healthy, sustainable, and authentic to them. So, if you’re happily monogamous, you’re not my enemy here. What I want to talk about is how we can all keep monogamy from slipping into something rigid, restrictive, and ultimately harmful to the people who practice it.
Most people grow up surrounded by the idea that monogamy is the only path to a healthy relationship. Movies, TV, books, religion, and family traditions all push the same narrative: couple up with one person, stay together, and you’ve won the relationship game. This mindset creates what we call “couples privilege,” the idea that committed romantic and sexual relationships are more valuable and more legitimate than friendships, community ties, or singlehood. Being single is treated as either a flaw or a temporary holding pattern until you find “the one.” The result is that many people never actually choose monogamy, rather, they inherit it, without exploring other equally valid ways to structure relationships.
This is where monogamy can turn toxic. It is not because monogamy itself is bad, but because when it’s treated as the only option, it becomes less about connection and more about conformity. Toxic monogamy encourages competition and comparison over compassion. It turns relationships into status markers instead of living, breathing partnerships. It makes people believe there is one narrow definition of success (i.e. married, sexually exclusive, for life, and that anything outside that box is a failure). It can even encourage control, jealousy, and ownership over a partner, all under the guise of “protecting the relationship.” A great book to read if you ever want to challenge traditional dating norms is Rebel Love by Dr. Chris Donaghue. He tackles the concept of toxic monogamy, among other outdated relationship norms.
So how do you avoid falling into that trap? The first step is reflection. Ask yourself: Have I actually chosen monogamy, or have I just assumed it’s my only option? Unless you grew up in an unusually sex-positive, open-minded environment, chances are you were never presented with the full menu of relationship structures. Maybe you’ve never thought about polyamory, open relationships, or relationship anarchy as valid options. You don’t have to choose them, but knowing they exist can help you decide if monogamy is truly right for you, or if it’s simply the default you were handed. If your honest answer to “Why am I monogamous?” is “Well, it’s all I know,” then it’s worth doing more exploring.
If you do choose monogamy, the next step is to date with a focus on compatibility, not just attraction. Physical and sexual chemistry are important, but they’re not enough to sustain a long-term relationship. True compatibility is about shared values, communication styles, honesty, emotional resilience, humor, and how you both navigate conflict. For example, maybe you need daily check-ins to feel connected, while your partner thrives with more independence. Those differences aren’t inherently deal-breakers, but they need to be discussed early so you can build a rhythm that works for both of you. When my own partner and I were dating, we had to actively figure out what “flow” worked for us. What did each of us need and how could the other meet that without feeling drained or smothered. Remember: we date to be seen and understood, not just to be liked. If you focus on people liking you at the expense of your own needs, long-term sustainability becomes nearly impossible.
Another key to avoiding toxic monogamy is setting healthy boundaries. A boundary is something you set for yourself, not a rule you impose on your partner. It’s a commitment to how you will respond in a situation, not a restriction on someone else’s behavior. For example, saying “I’m not comfortable being in a relationship where my partner has close friendships with their exes” is a boundary because it’s about your limits. Saying “You’re not allowed to be friends with your ex” is a rule that takes away their autonomy. When boundaries are replaced with control, trust erodes, and the relationship becomes more about ownership than partnership. Remember, you are allowed to challenge a partner’s restrictions. If they forbid certain friendships or activities, ask why. A healthy monogamous relationship is built on trust and mutual respect, not control masked as commitment.
A piece of monogamy that often gets people into trouble is how they define it. You’d be surprised how many couples never do this. Does monogamy start after you’ve had “the talk”? Is it implied after a certain number of dates? Does flirting with other people count as cheating? How about watching porn? These definitions vary wildly from person to person. Without a clear conversation, you’re likely to have mismatched expectations, and mismatched expectations are a breeding ground for hurt feelings and conflict. Sex also matters and should be explored in the beginning of the relationship. Do you both enjoy the same kinds of intimacy? Are you open to trying things for your partner’s pleasure? Are there hard limits for either of you? If your desires don’t align, can you still build a fulfilling sex life together? These are conversations worth having early, before you’ve locked yourselves into exclusivity.
Monogamy, when done with intention and care, can be an incredibly rewarding way to love. It’s easy to start a monogamous relationship. A couple swipes here and there, a few dates, and BOOM, you are in a relationship. Sustaining a monogamous relationship requires ongoing communication, flexibility, and a willingness to challenge the cultural scripts we’ve been handed. The healthiest monogamous relationships make your world bigger, your opportunities richer, and your life more joyful. They give you the security to grow as individuals and as a couple, not the mandate to shrink yourselves to fit inside an outdated mold.
Time and time again a couple with come into my office and preach ownership over their partner instead of partnership. So, if you want to avoid toxic monogamy, choose it consciously. Build it with a partner who shares your values and respects your boundaries. Keep the conversation about what monogamy means alive and evolving. The two of you are going to be going through many changes and evolutions as you continue to grow together. I hope to see a world where toxic monogamy no longer exists, being single is a perfectly healthy relationship option, and we are all allowed to be curious about the ongoing structure of our relationships. As I wrap up, remember that your relationship exists to enhance your life, not to serve as proof to the world that you’ve “made it.” Monogamy is beautiful and for those of you who choose it, I hope it exists as the cherry on top of the sundae that is your life. Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
I am a 42-year-old woman and I am writing in because I can’t stop fantasizing about my neighbor. A little background, I am married with a couple of kids and my husband travels some for work. We have lived in our house for five years and have known our neighbors just as long. My husband and I have a decent sex life, but since having kids, it isn’t as exciting as it used to be. The strange thing about this is that my neighbor isn’t even my type. In fact, he is quite the opposite. Yet, I find myself fantasizing about what sex would be like with him. I don’t have any desire to cheat on my partner, but I find that these fantasies are taken over a lot of my thinking. Sometimes my eyes linger longer on him and a couple of times, I have seen him looking back at me. I feel like a bad wife and mother and unsure what to do.
– Anonymous
Oh, the world of fantasy. A place that can be so thrilling and equally as terrifying. It can spike our dopamine as well as make us question our identity. The good news, Anonymous, is that this world is one that doesn’t necessarily have to cross over into reality. If you are curious to learn more about the wonderful world of fantasy, I would check out Justin Lehmiller’s book, Tell Me What You Want, or his podcast, The Sex and Psychology Podcast, as he has built a career on studying fantasy. One of my favorite pieces of research that I talk about often with my clients is that fantasy does not necessarily have to be reality. Just because I am thinking I want to have group sex, get pegged, or have sex with my neighbor, does not mean I actually want that in real life. Why? Well, it follows the same logic of other non-sexual fantasies. What it gives you is insight into the expansive world of sexuality that exists within you, me, and everyone reading this. So, let’s break this fantasy down. My goal here is to help you drop the ‘bad wife’ guilt and see where these feelings are really coming from.
It makes sense that you would fantasize about a person who isn’t your “type.” Fantasies aren’t always about what we’d choose in real life. They’re often about novelty, surprise, and stepping outside of our usual boxes. I talk about this often in my responses, but your brain craves variety, and sometimes that means imagining scenarios or people who feel different from what you’d typically go for. It doesn’t mean you’re unhappy in your relationship or secretly want to run off with this kind of person. This isn’t some Hollywood movie starring Julia Roberts and Patrick Wilson. Although, I would watch any movie with those two in it. What it shows is that your erotic mind is playful and curious, which is exactly what fantasies are for.
I am sad to hear that you feel like a bad wife and mother, Anonymous. I don’t think you are and I am sure many people reading this feel the same way. Those labels, “bad wife,” and “bad mom,” are heavy, shame-fueled judgments that don’t hold up to reality. Sexual thoughts and fantasies are a healthy part of being human, and in fact, they can be a really healthy outlet. The fact that you’re reflecting on them and writing in shows that you care deeply about your partner and family. Fantasy doesn’t erase the love or commitment you feel. It simply adds another layer to your erotic world and one that you can actually access with your partner through open communication. I am not saying you need to tell him about the thoughts you have about your neighbor, but you can start the dialogue around fantasy and see where it takes you both. When was the last time you two did a sexual check-in? This could be a great opportunity to put one on your calendars.
Since you mentioned that your sex life has shifted after kids, I think it’s worth pausing there for a minute. Parenthood changes everything (e.g. energy, time, attraction, sex, etc.). If passion feels like it’s fizzled, try weaving in intentional play: flirty texts, spontaneous touch, or even scheduling sex dates. If it feels like attraction has dipped, welcome to long-term commitment. I wish our society talked more about how passion will ebb and flow in long-term relationships, but unfortunately, many of us are still blind-sided by this. If self-esteem is what’s been hit, I recommend the following: stand in front of the mirror, clothed to start and then eventually naked, for five minutes each day. Instead of scanning for flaws, name one thing that feels sexy or strong about your body. Over time, this can help you retrain your brain to see yourself through a more erotic lens, and that confidence can translate into the bedroom.
Now, about the neighbor. Let’s name him, John. I wouldn’t assume John knows what’s happening in your head. Humans are curious creatures. We look, we linger, and sometimes we even wonder. The amount of times I have found myself zoned out at Rising Star, only to snap back into my consciousness and find my gaze fixed on a random stranger, is probably higher than I would like to admit. But a glance doesn’t mean awareness, and it certainly doesn’t mean invitation. This part of your experience is internal, and you get to decide what you do with it. Right now, it’s a fantasy, and that’s perfectly okay. It sounds like you want to keep it a fantasy and because of that, remember that fantasy is our own private world and we don’t have to share it with others if we don’t want to.
Here’s are some final thoughts, Anonymous: to me, fantasy is a good sign. It tells me your sexual energy is alive and well. I worry more when people tell me their desire feels flatlined. The fact that your mind is spinning up erotic scenarios, even surprising ones, shows that your erotic engine is still humming. That’s not something to feel guilty about; that’s something to celebrate. Let this fantasy be fuel for curiosity and creativity, both in your private world and in your marriage. Desire doesn’t make you a “bad” anything. It makes you human. Your imagination is simply showing you that your desire still has a pulse, which is something to honor, not fear. Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
Gen Z—roughly born 1997–2012—is the first generation of digital natives who have come of age entirely in the smartphone era, and it impacts the way they date and perceive romantic love. Today’s young adults approach romance very differently than their parents did. One big shift noticed in Gen Z dating patterns is that they prioritize education, career, and personal well-being over romantic connections.
As University of Illinois scholar Allen Barton writes in IPM Newsroom, “Dating, romantic relationships [and] marriage are certainly becoming less salient or less important…part of it is an increase overall, culturally, on career and finances.” Gen Z dating statistics also suggest that young adults are dating later and more cautiously, often focusing on personal goals first. A 2025 survey, for instance, found that only about 56% of Gen Z adults reported ever having a romantic relationship as teens, compared to roughly 78% of Baby Boomers and 76% of Gen Xers.
However, this pattern doesn’t in any way mean that romantic connections do not matter to people of this generation. They do. It’s just that they choose to pursue them in new ways. More of their social life happens online, but many report frustration with hookup culture and dating apps. As one Illinois freshman says, “I’d rather have a real connection and commitment to someone.” These changes set the stage for a very different dating landscape, shaped by technology, evolving attitudes toward commitment, and mental health considerations. What does this mean for the Gen Z dating culture? Let’s find out:
The Modern Landscape Of Gen Z Dating
Gen Z dating is highly influenced by digital culture. On one hand, many want serious relationships. For example, a new Hinge report finds that 90% of Gen Z daters say they want to find love. On the other hand, they constantly find themselves having to navigate new norms and anxieties. Heavy use of apps, hookup culture backlash, pervasive ghosting, and social media-driven communication are all part of the Gen Z dating culture, and these factors have made navigating the landscape of modern datingthat much harder for the first generation of digital natives. Here’s why:
1. High app use but mixed feelings
Gen Z is getting tired of the swipe culture
The online dating industry is booming. It was worth ~$1.4 billion in the U.S. in 2023, according to a report, and Gen Z is its core user base. Yet Gen Z also shows ambivalence toward it. For example, Gen Z dating statistics suggest that only about 26% of U.S. dating app users are Gen Z, whereas 61% are older millennials between the ages of 30 and 49. Many Gen Zers say they dislike the swipe culture.
Matchmaker Germany Fox notes her clients often feel dating apps are “dead” because they keep getting ghosted or catfished. This has led 47% of single Gen Zers preferring to meet people outside apps, in everyday places like school or the grocery store, and an Axios survey found 4 in 5 college students don’t use apps even monthly, favoring in-person meetups.
2. Desire for meaningful connections
Young people may flirt less, but they often seek deeper authenticity. A growing number of Gen Z women have openly embraced a non-religious “celibacy journey” as a response to hookup culture. Trauma-informed coach Sabrina Flores explains that many see celibacy as “a return to femininity and tenderness and care… they did not feel safe enough or comfortable enough to feel in their past relationships.” In other words, instead of casual flings, some Gen Zers are reclaiming control by insisting on respect and emotional safety.
3. Communication via social media
Romance thrives in the virtual space
For many Gen Z daters, flirting and connection happen online or over text. One 24-year-old LA woman told NBC News that now “if someone thinks you’re cute, they just ask for your Instagram… and then DM you or swipe up on your story” to show interest. So, young dating may be shifting from apps to social media, with trends like Instagram dating on the rise. Psychotherapist Briana Paruolo even points out that today’s flirting is more direct and explicit, with many young people communicating intentions openly and building emotional connections online via social media or in person.
A huge majority of young daters report experiencing ghosting. In one survey of Millennials and Gen Z, 84% said they had been ghosted by someone they were dating, and 77% admitted to ghosting others in return. If you’re wondering, “Why don’t relationships last in this generation?”, you have your answer.
Psychologist Jonathan Haidt warns that dating apps can create lopsided dynamics, where a few people get most of the matches. This fosters rude behavior and frustration, and in turn, contributes to a pervasive fear of rejection. For example, over half of Hinge’s Gen Z users say worrying about rejection has actually stopped them from pursuing a relationship.
5. Gen Z dating and situationships
Many young daters are redefining what “dating” means. The term situationship, a casual but ongoing romantic arrangement without clear commitment, has exploded in popularity. Sociologist Elizabeth Armstrong notes that Gen Z tends to view these arrangements pragmatically. “A situationship solves some kind of need for sex, intimacy, companionship but often does not necessarily have a long-term time horizon.” In Gen Z relationships, being with someone even if it’s not going anywhere isn’t seen as wasting time. Instead, many young people opt into low-pressure hookups or budding relationships that let them meet their needs now without promises about the future.
Dating in this generation poses several challenges that older generations did not have to contend with. In many ways, young people today juggle new expectations and anxieties. Social norms around dating are less clear than in the past. As Barton explains, “What used to be straightforward dating customs are now becoming more subtle and ambiguous, due to apps and hookup culture. This ambiguity can backfire. Barton warns that prolonged vagueness often “leads to hurt and frustration because people aren’t on the same page.” This translates into the following challenges in Gen Z dating.
1. Fear of commitment and situationships
Why don’t relationships last in this generation? Because many Gen Zers admit they hesitate to lock things down. Instead of aiming immediately for a long-term commitment, they often prefer a situationship. While this undefined arrangement addresses an immediate need for intimacy, it also breeds confusion. A Tulane University study found young people are often reluctant to define their relationship or even admit they want commitment. The pressure of the hookup culture can push those seeking serious romance to remain single rather than risk disappointment. In the course of this study, sociologist Lisa Wade found that Gen Z in particular is “especially unwilling to share their feelings with each other.” This can result in relationships stalling before they begin.
When it comes to commitment, Gen-Zers develop cold feet
The result is that fear of commitment and uncertainty is a real challenge. Many daters vent about “fear of being cringe” or getting hurt, which often stops them from asking someone out. Hinge’s research shows over half of Gen Z daters have held back from telling someone how they feel because they worry it will push the other person away. Relationship coach Moe Ari Brown encourages rejecting this fear. She reminds young daters that rejection is normal and urges them not to let it stop them from chasing meaningful connections. Gen Zers can benefit from being repeatedly reminded that if you do want something serious, it’s okay to voice it and have that awkward “What are we?” conversation rather than drifting aimlessly in a situationship.
2. Dating app fatigue and burnout
Technology provides more ways to meet people than ever but it can also overwhelm. Many Gen Z daters report feeling exhausted or disillusioned by the apps. A recent survey by Forbes found a staggering 78% of dating app users feel “emotionally, mentally, or physically exhausted” by swiping and texting. One reason is dating app burnout: juggling multiple apps and endless profiles can make dating feel like a chore, not a thrill.
Data also shows apps can disappoint. According to a Pew research study, 51% of American women report having had negative experiences on dating apps. After investing time in chatting, many date hopefuls get ghosted without closure, which can feel especially hurtful. Over time, this cycle makes some young adults say, “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
Growing up online has left some Gen Zers inept at face-to-face communication. Dating experts observe that traditional flirting skills—subtleties like flirting with your eyes, for instance—are in decline. As dating coach Eimear Draper says, “People are not flirting anymore.” Instead of asking someone out or making conversation at a bar, many young people default to sending memes or emojis. While that works in a text thread, it means some have lost confidence in person.
Railey Molinario, a relationship coach, notes that this shift can weaken core social skills. She warns that relying on digital communication means Gen Z daters get less practice reading body language and picking up social cues. “Missing out on real-world flirting can make it more difficult for young people to form deep, meaningful relationships in person,” she reiterates.
On the other hand, Gen Z’s communication style has its share of strengths too. Many younger daters are direct and intentional online, and communicate with self-awareness and assertiveness. In practice, though, it still pays to keep improving real-life communication skills because texting and social media don’t replace in-person communication.
4. Navigating ghosting and rejection
A final major challenge in the Gen Z dating journey is the frequency of abrupt breakups and rejection. Ghosting has become so common that many young daters expect it. In one study, nearly 2 in 3 said that ghosting was simply “part of online dating,” and some rationalized it as a self-protection strategy. Licensed psychologist Dr. Alexander Alvarado explains, “This is reciprocal ghosting, which sets in motion a cycle where someone who’s been ghosted preemptively ghosts others in return. After the sting of being ghosted once, people might unconsciously adopt the same behavior as a self-defense mechanism, thinking that it’s better to disengage first than risk emotional harm.”
Ghosting and its cousin quiet quitting or caspering, where someone stays in a relationship but with minimal effort, leaves daters feeling frustrated and mistrustful. For many Gen Zers, learning to handle rejection is a major part of navigating the modern dating landscape.
Dating in the Gen Z era comes with its own playbook and one that’s no child’s play, by any means. The fatigue and frustration is real, leaving many Gen Z daters, lamenting, “Dating sucks!”, or swearing off it altogether. While challenges are undeniable, is it reason enough to give up on the prospect of finding love and companionship? Not quite. It’s possible to navigate this haystack of meaningless swipes, and directionless situationships, and find that obscure needle of a meaningful connection. Here are some simple, expert-backed tips on how:
1. Embrace vulnerability, don’t fear the “cringe”
Emotional vulnerability holds the key to dating success
It’s natural to feel anxious about asking someone out or sharing your feelings. But avoiding this vulnerability can stall any chance at connection. Dating experts encourage what Hinge calls “Cringe Mode” in its 2024 report, which found that over half of Gen Z daters let fear of being rejected or “cringe” stop them from pursuing romance. Meaning, you have to lean into the awkwardness, embrace vulnerability, and stop holding yourself back from the fear of coming across as cringe.
Brown advises, “Remember that rejection happens to everyone and shouldn’t define you. Don’t let it prevent you from making a powerful connection.” So, go ahead, be bold and text first, ask someone out despite butterflies, or be the one to initiate the “what are we” conversation. Each attempt that yields a step in the right direction will build your confidence and deepen your connection. Take that leap of faith.
If there is one magic trick to address and resolve all relationship problems, it is communication. It applies to the challenges of Gen Z relationships and dating experiences as well. If you want to avoid messy situationships, get on the same page as soon as possible. Ask about intentions early on: Are you both interested in something casual or is there potential for more? It may feel daunting, but being upfront can actually reduce anxiety in the long run.
This can be as simple as working up the nerve to say, “Hey, I’ve been enjoying hanging out with you and I’m wondering what you’re looking for right now.” It might feel awkward at first, but clear communication avoids the pain of mismatched expectations. Remember Barton’s advice: be clear about your own values and priorities, and seek partners who share them.
3. Balance online and offline connections
Make the internet your ally but don’t limit your dating pursuits to the digital space. Yes, apps and social media are a huge part of the Gen Z dating toolkit. Utilize them to the fullest but don’t forget to meet people in person when you can. Real-life interactions build skills and chemistry that texting can’t. If you find yourself stuck on apps, try expanding your social circle or activities.
Look for love in the real world
Join clubs, classes, or community events that interest you. In fact, dating event organizers see more young people seeking face-to-face meetups, be it a speed dating event or a casual mixer. Attending a mixer or party for singles can remove much of the guesswork. It can also help to use social media consciously. It’s normal to ask for a date via DMs or respond to stories, but mix it up.
If you chat online, suggest a quick meet-up over coffee, a walk, or a game night to see if the vibe is right. Meanwhile, remember that digital cues can replace some old-school flirting: compliment someone’s profile, comment on a post, or share something of yours that shows your personality. Gen Z daters now often say “hey” on Snapchat or Instagram instead of hitting on someone in person. Feel free to embrace that style, but also give others the chance to meet you offline. The goal is to let your online presence spark real conversation in the real world.
It’s easy to get overwhelmed by endless swiping and chatting. If you’re experiencing dating fatigue, it’s a sign to change tactics. First, trim down the apps. You don’t need to be on every platform. Focus on one or two that best align with your dating goals and delete or pause the rest. Set limits on your time. Don’t open the app as soon as you wake up or just before bed. Taking breaks is OK. Give yourself tech-free days where you enjoy offline life without judging your dating life against social media.
Also, don’t buy every premium subscription. Paying for boosts and extra features can add pressure. Remember that the paid Tinder/Bumble profile of years ago worked for couples, but today’s crowded market means even paying doesn’t guarantee success. If you find an app isn’t working, try a different approach: meet new people through mutual friends, take a class, or attend local events.
5. Set personal boundaries and practice self-care
Gen Z daters often rate their self-care and personal growth above endless dating, which is truly admirable. It’s healthy to know what you want and to say no when something doesn’t fit. This could mean taking your foot off the gas if things feel rushed, or even pausing dating entirely. For instance, the recent trend of a “celibacy journey” highlights that stepping back can be empowering. It’s a way to heal and clarify what you need in a partner. You don’t necessarily have to go fully celibate but don’t be afraid to take a break from dating apps or casual hookups if it’s causing stress. Use that time to do things you enjoy, work on goals, and build confidence outside romance.
Even when you are actively dating, prioritize setting boundaries from the start. If you’re not into a certain behavior, be it sexting or hanging out all night, communicate that upfront. Knowing your own values helps in choosing compatible partners. For example, if honesty is crucial to you, be upfront that ghosting frustrates you. If you need slow progression, say so. Keeping yourself grounded will make your dating life more sustainable and enjoyable.
If you feel rusty at flirting or conversation, the good news is you can learn and improve. Try low-pressure social situations to practice talking to new people. Compliment someone on their shirt, ask a classmate what they think of an assignment, or strike up small talk in a coffee shop. It may feel awkward, but the more you do it, the more natural it becomes. When you’re on a date or at an event, make an effort to engage. Ask open-ended questions, maintain eye contact, and smile. If you rely on texting heavily, push yourself to have at least the next conversation over video or in person.
Also, get yourself acquainted with the nuances of nonverbal communication. The role of body language in healthy relationships cannot be discounted. And you cannot replicate this in text conversations. These small skills signal interest more strongly than a thumbs-up emoji does. Over time, this practice will pay off. Even if you rely heavily on technology to pursue your dating interests, you will take those connections into the real world at some point. When that happens, these skills will give you the confidence to hold a face-to-face chat and enjoy each other’s company.
7. Practice healthy online etiquette
How you behave in digital spaces really matters. Since so much of Gen Z dating happens online, learn some modern netiquette. This includes being punctual with replies, if you’re interested. And being honest rather than ghosting. If you’re unsure about someone, it’s kinder to say, “I don’t think this is a match for me” rather than just disappearing.
Similarly, think about your online profile as an honest reflection of who you are. Sharing details about who you are and stating intentions clearly can attract matches who are on the same page. Remember, there is a lot of scope for misunderstandings and judgment in the digital space. If you joke or use irony in your profile, it might be misunderstood, so consider clarity where it counts. Likewise, misunderstandings happen easily over text. Using voice or video calls early on can help avoid that.
8. Join communities, events, and support networks
Dating doesn’t have to be a solo endeavor. You can lean on friends, communities, or organized meetups like singles mixers or social events to improve your dating experience. These settings are built to reduce anxiety. Everyone is there to meet others, so it breaks the ice. Online communities can help too. Many Gen Zers share dating stories on platforms like TikTok, Instagram (#situationship has hundreds of millions of views) and Reddit. Hearing peers talk about similar struggles reminds you you’re not alone, and you might pick up useful tips from their experiences to navigate your own dating journey more skillfully.
Finally, don’t hesitate to get professional support if needed. If you experience dating anxiety, a counselor or therapist can help you build confidence and set healthy patterns. Remember, prioritizing mental health is a hallmark of Gen Z culture, and seeking help is a strength, not a weakness. The more resilient and self-aware you are, the more you’ll enjoy the dating journey.
9. Be patient and true to yourself
Lastly, remember that relationships often take time to develop. There is no need to rush into a relationship. If someone shows potential, give it a bit of time to unfold naturally. Focus on enjoying each stage of getting to know someone rather than stressing about labels or timelines.
Above all, stay true to your values. Dating is a chance to meet people who fit your life, not change who you are. If you meet someone who respects your goals and treats you well, give it a chance. If not, be gracious and move on. Gen Z’s path to love may be winding, but by being open, communicative, and patient, you can find a relationship that’s fulfilling on your own terms.
Key Pointers
Gen Z’s dating culture is characterized by high app usage, digital-first communication, ghosting, and a desire for authentic relationships despite online fatigue
There is a growing pushback against hookup culture with an emphasis on emotional safety, celibacy journeys, and intentional dating
Modern dating challenges like Situationships, fear of commitment, burnout from apps, and weakened in-person social skills complicate relationships
Gen Z daters balance app use with in-person connections, rely on social media to initiate contact, and face ghosting as a common hurdle
Building a healthy relationship in this landscape requires you to embrace vulnerability, communicate clearly, set boundaries, avoid burnout, build offline skills, and be patient while staying true to yourself
Final Thoughts
Dating for Gen Z is a balancing act between digital convenience and a deep desire for authentic connection. While apps, situationships, and shifting social norms offer flexibility, they also introduce new challenges like ghosting, burnout, and fear of vulnerability. Yet despite these hurdles, most Gen Z daters still crave meaningful relationships built on trust, clarity, and shared values. By approaching dating with open communication, emotional honesty, and a willingness to learn from rejection, young adults can navigate today’s evolving landscape with confidence and purpose. In the end, love may look different in the digital age, but the core human need for connection remains the same.
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These past couple of years I have been traveling more than I ever have in my life. I realized that a lot of my friends who I love live in other states, and I wanted to spend more time with them. One could say I am in my “travel era” as well because I want to see as many part of this beautiful world while I have the energy to do it. I would say I am a pretty easy traveler (my partner may disagree) and I do not carry much anxiety or stress once we are on the road or through security if I am flying. As with most people who travel for fun, one of the reasons I do it is to disconnect as much as I can from my day-to-day responsibilities running my business. Because of this, I tend to have more of an opportunity to look for and engage in dopamine producing experiences.
So, let’s talk about this very real phenomenon that vacation sex is almost always better than sex at home. There’s something about being away from your regular routine, your to-do lists, and your “I should be doing laundry right now” thoughts that opens up a whole new space for erotic energy. As we continue to sweat through this summer heat, let’s break down what’s going on here, and how you might be able to bring some of that vacation magic back into your regular life.
As I have already hinted at, vacations usually lower our stress. What’s one of the biggest brakes on sexual desire? That’s right: stress. At home, we’re juggling work, kids, emails, and if you are like me, a cat who has separation anxiety (I love you Franklin, never change). Even when you want to have sex, your body is often still in survival mode. But when you’re sitting in a hot tub overlooking the mountains or lying in a sun-drenched bed with nowhere to be, your nervous system finally gets the memo: it’s safe to relax. Vacations allow for that, and when your body feels safe, your erotic brain can start to play.
Another reason we need to consider involves novelty. Our brains love new experiences, and that includes new environments. When you’re staying in a new place, whether it’s a sleek hotel, a beachside Airbnb, or even a tent, it cues your body and brain to pay attention. I just finished camping at Middle Bass Island in Lake Erie and although I prefer a room with walls to sleep in, the overall experience was so relaxing. That increased attentiveness spills over into your sex life. You might notice your partner differently, touch more curiously, or feel more uninhibited because you’re not staring at the same ceiling fan you’ve had for the past ten years. Novelty can reawaken our senses, and that’s a huge turn-on for most of us.
Let’s also not forget that we just have more time when we are on vacation than when we are in our regular routines. At home, sex often gets crammed in between tasks: right before bed when everyone is exhausted, or in the 12 minutes before the kids get home. On vacation, time stretches. You can take a long shower together without thinking about your water bill. You can have morning sex and then nap. Can we talk about the power of a nap? Truly remarkable. That slower pace let’s desire build more and allows for exploration, laughter, and even those “we haven’t done that in a while” moments. This freedom is something we should not let go to waste.
Shifting gears slightly, there’s also the mental freedom that comes with just being “away.” I know I get excited at the idea of being out of my normal routine and finding something new to do on vacation. When you’re out of your usual environment, you might feel less inhibited. Maybe you wear lingerie you’d never put on at home. Maybe you try that position that felt too silly before. Hell, maybe you grab a third and try that threesome that you have been fantasizing about since college. Vacation is a permission slip to break out of old roles. You’re not just “partner, parent, provider,” you’re a sexual being, and this new space gives you the chance to remember that.
If you are curious on how to bring the vacation mindset sex home with you, one simple but powerful way is to create a “date night escape” in your own space. Pick an evening, turn off your phones, and treat your bedroom like it’s a luxury suite (i.e. clean the space, light some candles, play a sexy playlist, and wear something that makes you feel good). Order in your favorite meal, take a slow shower or bath together, and give yourselves permission to forget about responsibilities for the night. The goal isn’t to perform or recreate vacation sex perfectly. Instead, it’s to set the stage for presence, play, and connection, just like you would if you were far from home. If needed, this is also a great way to bring back the spark or passion to the relationship without it feeling forced or clunky.
So, is it the hotel bed that’s better? No, although some of those beds are a ten out of ten. It’s the mindset that comes with stepping out of routine. The good news is you don’t have to fly to Mexico to find that energy again. What if you engaged in the “date night escape?” What if you scheduled time, real time, for intimacy, even if it’s not spontaneous? What if you let yourself get playful again? There are so many options for you and your partners to explore. Vacation sex is great. But vacation “mindset” sex? That’s where the real magic is. Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
Dating may begin with attraction but its real purpose is to build connection and chemistry. And nothing does that better than those little moments of surprise and laughter. That’s where fun dating questions come in. They turn ordinary conversations into unforgettable memories.
So, if you’ve ever wondered, “What are fun dating questions meant for?”, the answer is simple: they help you explore, connect, and laugh your way toward something meaningful. Imagine skipping the small talk and diving straight into fun dating questions to ask a girl or guy you like. Sparks guaranteed!
We’ve rounded up not 10 or 20, but 140 such questions that will help conversations just lift off. Whether you’re looking for first date conversation starters, fun questions to ask on a date, or romantic questions to ask a date, these prompts will help break the ice, spark curiosity, and build connection. Let’s check them out.
140 Fun Dating Questions to Spark a Real Connection
When people ask, “What are fun dating questions?”, they’re usually searching for a way to make their dates lively, authentic, and engaging. What are fun dating questions if not the perfect tools to break tension and open up meaningful conversations? Fun dating questions are playful, sometimes flirty, and often surprising prompts that help two people connect beyond surface-level small talk.
These fun questions to ask on a date break down awkward silences, reveal hidden quirks, and spark chemistry, especially on early dates. Here is a carefully curated list of a diverse mix of such questions, designed to help you spark meaningful conversations, break the ice, and peel back layers of someone’s personality.
Flirty and fun questions to ask on a date
These flirty fun dating questions to ask a guy or girl you like are designed to make you both smile, break the ice, and create playful sparks. Think romance meets cheeky humor to create moments that make your date blush or leave you both doubling over with laughter. Sounds like a fun time for sure. Live it up to the fullest with these flirty and fun questions to ask on a date. This section brings together romantic, cheeky, and lighthearted prompts that can turn a simple conversation into a memorable connection.
Spark the flirt, skip the awkward
What’s the most attractive quality you notice in someone almost instantly?
If I dared you to kiss me right now—truth or dare?
What’s a compliment you secretly love getting?
What’s the flirtiest thing someone has ever said to you that actually worked?
If we had to create a couple’s nickname for ourselves, what would it be?
What’s your idea of a perfect “let’s stay in” kind of date?
Have you ever flirted your way out of trouble?
What would you say if I told you you’re already winning this date?
What’s the most unexpected thing that turns you on (emotionally or otherwise)?
Do you believe in love at first sight—or should I walk by again?
What’s your most charming move when you like someone?
If you had to write a rom-com plot starring us, what would be the twist?
Have you ever had a crush on someone completely unexpected?
Do you think we have chemistry?
What’s a flirty line you’ve always wanted to try but never dared to say?
What song would you dedicate to someone you’re falling for?
What’s something small a person can do that instantly makes them hotter to you?
Would you rather be teased or do the teasing?
What’s one thing I should never stop doing on this date?
If we ended up stuck in an elevator—how would you pass the time with me?
Asking deep and personal questions on a date is always tricky. What if you hit a nerve and the whole vibe changes? Well, not when you can add a fun, lighthearted twist to these questions so that your date doesn’t feel cornered or as if they’re being interrogated. Here are some good questions to ask when dating to smooth-talk your way into deeper conversations.
Go beyond the small talk
What’s something you used to believe as a kid that still makes you smile?
If your life had a motto right now, what would it be?
What’s a weird habit you’re proud of?
What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve done that changed your perspective?
If emotions were flavors, what flavor would excitement be?
What’s your “main character” moment from the last year?
Have you ever had a conversation that completely shifted your thinking?
What song feels like it was written about your life?
What’s a secret ambition you’ve never chased (yet)?
What do you think your 10-year-old self would find coolest about your life now?
When do you feel most alive?
What’s your “comfort movie” and why?
What’s a personal ritual that makes you feel centered?
What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received and why did it stick?
If your personality were a cocktail, what would be in it?
What’s a passion you’re curious to explore someday?
What’s a belief you hold that most people find amusing?
How do you define “fun” in a relationship?
What’s something playful you’ve always wanted to try with a partner?
What kind of deep conversations make you laugh the most?
Hypothetical or “what if” questions to ask your date
Bring out your date’s imagination with these interesting dating questions. They’re fun, quirky, and unexpected—perfect playful questions to ask someone you like when you want to see their creative, spontaneous side.
Let imagination lead the way
What if we were stranded on a tropical island—what three things would you bring?
If your life were a movie, what genre would it be, and what would I play in it?
What would you do if we woke up in each other’s bodies for a day?
What if we had to invent a fake backstory to explain how we met—what would it be?
If time froze for 24 hours and only we could move, what would we do?
What if we opened a food truck together—what would we serve and who’s the chef?
If we could teleport anywhere right now, where would we go?
What if you had to choose a theme song that plays every time you walk into a room?
What superpower would you choose—and how would you use it on a date?
If we swapped lives for a week, what would surprise you most about mine?
What if our pets had a say in whether we dated—what would they say?
What’s the most ridiculous “couple challenge” you think we could win?
If we had to live in a fantasy world—Game of Thrones or Harry Potter?
What if I were a famous celebrity—how would you win my heart?
If we had one day to break every rule we wanted—what’s top of your list?
What if we had a secret handshake—what would it involve?
If you could pause this date and replay any moment—what would you choose?
What would you do if you had one hour of invisibility right now?
If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life—with me—what would it be?
What if we had to go undercover on a mission together—what would our code names be?
If you’re searching for romantic questions to ask on a date that double as fun icebreakers, we’ve rounded up some options that let you explore lighthearted fantasy, teamwork, and humor together. Without a doubt, these are among the best dating questions to build chemistry on a date and keep the vibe lively.
Keep it light, keep it fun
If we were cartoon characters, what would our duo name be?
What silly talent would we showcase if we joined a talent show together?
Would you rather go on a blindfolded food tasting or a karaoke showdown with me?
If you had to create a new holiday and we had to celebrate it—what would it be?
What would our relationship look like if it were an emoji sequence?
What’s the weirdest couple costume you’d be willing to wear with me?
If we opened a theme park, what would its most ridiculous ride be?
What’s your secret “date night” guilty pleasure?
Would you rather cook a disastrous meal together or DIY a questionable furniture piece?
If we were in a viral TikTok trend—what would it be?
What fictional couple do you think we’re most like?
Which game show would we totally dominate as a couple?
What’s your go-to silly dance move when no one’s watching?
If we had a pet together—what would we name it and why?
What funny pickup line would you actually love to hear?
What would be our theme song on a chaotic road trip?
If I turned into a frog for a day, what would you do?
What’s something harmlessly weird you find endearing in a partner?
Would you rather be stuck on a rollercoaster or a haunted house with me?
What’s the most playful dare you’ve accepted on a date?
Funny and ridiculous questions to ask on a date
Funny and ridiculous questions to ask on a date are perfect for breaking the ice, calming the nerves, and sharing genuine laughter. They show you don’t take yourself too seriously and invite your date to do the same. The next time you’re struggling with first-date jitters, just veer into these cute questions to ask on a date, and you will find yourself easing into effortless conversations:
Laughter is your best wingman
If animals could talk, which one would be the rudest?
What’s your most embarrassing food craving?
Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?
What’s the weirdest thing you’ve Googled late at night?
If you had to wear one Halloween costume forever, what would it be?
What’s a ridiculous superstition you secretly follow?
Have you ever laughed so hard you cried on a date?
What’s a made-up talent you’d use to impress someone?
If your life were a meme—what would the caption be?
What’s the funniest lie you’ve ever told to get out of a social event?
If you were a kitchen appliance, what would you be?
What’s your go-to ridiculous dance move?
What would your wrestler name be?
What’s the weirdest compliment you’ve received?
Would you rather have hiccups every time you laugh or sneeze every time you kiss?
What conspiracy theory would you totally start just for laughs?
What’s a food combo you love but everyone else finds disgusting?
If I dared you to prank call someone—who would it be?
The best kind of first date conversation starters are the ones that don’t feel forced. These fun dating questions to ask a girl or guy help keep things easy, relaxed, and fun. When you have a good time together, you will certainly want to come back for more.
Make first impressions unforgettable
What’s your favorite way to spend a Sunday afternoon?
What’s the best meal you’ve had recently?
If you could instantly master any skill, what would it be?
What’s one show you could binge-watch again without getting bored?
Do you have a go-to karaoke song?
What’s something that never fails to make you laugh?
If you could live in any city for a year, where would you go?
What’s a random fact about you most people don’t know?
What’s your most used emoji and why?
Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?
What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to learn?
What’s your favorite local restaurant or cafe?
What app on your phone do you use the most?
What’s something you’re surprisingly good at?
What’s a movie you think everyone should watch at least once?
Do you prefer dogs, cats, or something more exotic?
Have you ever had a really awkward first date?
If you had to give a TED Talk, what would it be about?
What’s a travel destination that’s on your bucket list?
Creative or thought-provoking questions on a date bring out depth, insight, and reflection. However, thought-provoking doesn’t have to be boring. After all, what are fun dating questions if not a tool in your kitty to pepper up any conversation? There’s no reason why you can’t apply it to some of the best dating questions to build chemistry. Check them out for yourself:
Stir the soul, not just the heart
If you could ask your future self one question—what would it be?
What’s a thought that keeps you up at night in a good way?
If you had to describe your worldview as a painting—what would it look like?
What book changed your perspective about something important?
What’s your favorite question to ask people you meet?
If you could live inside any fictional world, which one would you choose?
What’s something about the universe that blows your mind?
What’s one thing you’ve learned the hard way?
If you could relive one moment—not change it, just re-experience it—what would it be?
Do you think people are more alike or more different at their core?
What’s an opinion you hold that most people would disagree with?
What kind of conversation makes you lose track of time?
If your personality were a season, which one would it be?
What’s something you wish more people asked you?
What would you invent if you had unlimited resources?
How do you define a meaningful life?
If emotions had colors, what color would love be for you?
What’s a dream you’ve never shared out loud?
Do you believe in fate—or do we create our own paths?
What story from your past do you think defines who you are today?
FAQs
1. Why ask fun questions while dating?
Fun questions are a great way to ease into deeper conversations. They help lighten the mood, reduce tension, and show off your personality. If you’re wondering what fun dating questions are good for, it’s this: they help reveal chemistry without forcing anything.
2. Can fun questions help break the ice?
Fun questions work as excellent icebreakers, especially on a first date or when texting someone new. Whether you need cute questions to ask on a date or romantic questions to ask on a date, they set the stage for laughter and ease.
3. What if someone finds these questions awkward?
It’s okay! Not everyone loves hypothetical or weird questions. Feel it out—if someone seems uncomfortable, switch to good questions to ask when dating that feel more natural. The goal is connection, not performance.
Final Thoughts
The best dates aren’t about perfect lines or rehearsed answers, they’re about real connection. These fun dating questions are your invitation to open up, spark laughter, and explore your date’s personality in a playful, authentic way. Remember: every question is a chance to build closeness and create unforgettable memories. So dive in, enjoy the ride, and let these be the best dating questions to build chemistry and deepen your bond and never forget, what are fun dating questions if not the spark that lights up a great connection?
Your contribution does not constitute a charitable donation. It will allow Bonobology to continue bringing you new and up-to-date information in our pursuit of helping anyone in the world to learn how to do anything.
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