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  • 6 Principles to Help You Love Other People, Even Difficult Ones

    6 Principles to Help You Love Other People, Even Difficult Ones

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    Jesus said the greatest command is to love God, but the second greatest command is to love people. I will admit that sometimes loving people seems like a much bigger challenge than loving God. Yet we are commanded throughout the Bible to love people. So to help you, I want to share six principles that will help you do this.

    The reason God can command every believer to love is because he loved us first. This truth alone removes every excuse you could possibly give for not loving other people. Any reason you want to bring as evidence why you should not love someone gets overturned by the truth that God loved you first.

    God did not love you when you were good or had everything together. He loved you when you were engaged in your sin, at your worst, when you weren’t even thinking about him. If he can love you when you were at your lowest moments, then surely you can show that same kind of love to other people.

    2. Love Is Not an Emotional Response, It Is a Decision of the Will

    While there are emotional aspects of love, the root of love has nothing to do with emotions. The truth is we don’t feel to love, we will to love. If love was based on our feelings or emotions, then love would be unstable, unsteady, and unpredictable. Your love would change from day to day and moment to moment just as your emotions do.

    Since love is based on your will, that means whether you love someone is a matter of choice. Choosing to love is intentional. That also means choosing not to love is intentional too. We all have people in our lives who are easier to love than others, but the command does not change. When you think of the most difficult person in your life to love, remember that God loved you first. Remembering that truth will help you to choose to love that person.

    3. Choosing Not to Love Is a Form of Self-Righteousness  

    One of the most challenging groups of people to love are those who have hurt you. However, the Bible does not add being hurt by someone as a reason for not loving them. Jesus said it plainly in Matthew:

    “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you’” (Matthew 5:43-44).

    When someone has hurt you, it is possible you will use that hurt as a reason to justify why you won’t love them. Here’s the problem: You don’t understand what you are really saying. When you choose not to love someone, you are saying they are not worthy of your love or they don’t deserve your love.

    Could there be a more self-righteous statement than that?

    Consider all the times we have hurt God by our sin and disobedience. We don’t deserve his love, but he still gives it anyway. He gives it not because we deserve it but because we need it. In the same way, we don’t love people because they deserve it. We love them because we have been recipients of God’s great and underserved love. So, the same manner you have received love should be the same manner in which you give love.

    4. Love Does Not Mean You Like the Person or That You Will Get Along with That Person

    Sometimes we think to love someone means we must maintain a close relationship with them. This is not always true. Sometimes there may be personality clashes or people you don’t get along with very well. These can be friends or even some family members. In these cases, sometimes it only makes sense to not be too close to them. However, that does not mean you cannot love them. It just means you may have to do it from a distance.

    Corinthians tells us love is patient, kind, not jealous or rude. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. You may not like or agree with a person, but you can still be kind, patient, and not rude. You can care about their well-being and not keep a record of their wrong doings. Let’s not forget you can also pray for them. Notice you pray for them not against them.

    There is one person in my life who is more difficult for me to love than others. Something about his personality and the way he has treated me and other people rubs me the wrong way. However, this does not give me license not to love him. I can still be kind, patient, not rude if I ever encounter him. I may keep my distance, but I can still love him. If I choose not to love him, I am saying he is not worthy of my love, which is a form of self-righteousness, and that is sin.

    One caveat: If you are married, then this principle will apply differently. The main difference is you have made a commitment to your spouse to be with them until death do you part. That covenant requires you to work out any potential differences you and your spouse may have.

    5. Love Does Not Mean Blanket Acceptance

    The world has a misguided view of love. It often defines love as acceptance. According to the world, the evidence you love the person is you love their behavior, their lifestyle, and everything about them. That is not true. Love means you love the person. It does not require you to love their behavior. God loved us while we were sinners, but he did not and does not love the sins we commit.

    There may be people in your life who are engaged in sinful lifestyles you don’t approve of. That does not give you permission to be self-righteous and judgmental. But, we must continue to love the person the same way God still loves sinners today. The challenge we have is separating the behavior from the person. We often tie them together and we often see their sin and define them by their sin.

    This is why God’s love is so different. He looks at our sinful condition and sees our need. Sometimes as Christians we can be quick to judge and when that happens, we lose our compassion. All we see is their sin and we don’t see their need to be set free from that sin.

    When Jesus walked the earth, he had this habit of sitting and eating with sinners. Never once did he accept their sinful lifestyle, condone their sin, or engage in it. However, he knew that they were lost without him, so he had to attempt to reach them. After all, that is why he came. 

    Let’s make sure we are loving sinners and recognizing that loving the sinner does not mean we must love and accept their sin. As we love them, the hope is they would experience the love of God and recognize he wants to call them out of their sin and into a new life in Christ.

    6. Loving Like Jesus Requires Courage

    “Later, Levi invited Jesus and his disciples to his home as dinner guests, along with many tax collectors and other disreputable sinners. (There were many people of this kind among Jesus’ followers)” (Mark 2:15, NLT).

    Tax collectors were among the worst sinners at that time, and people hated them. Yet we find Jesus in Levi’s home with other tax collectors and disreputable sinners sitting down and having a meal. Here is how the Pharisees responded.

    “But when the teachers of religious law who were Pharisees saw him eating with tax collectors and other sinners, they asked his disciples, ‘Why does he eat with such scum?’” (Mark 2:16, NLT).

    If there was social media back then, I am sure this image of Jesus eating with sinners would have gone viral. A Pharisee would have posted this with a caption, Jesus eats with scum or Jesus seen with devious tax collectors and other horrible sinners.

    Jesus knew he would get backlash from the religious leaders, yet he did it anyway. That’s because love takes courage. If you are going to love like Jesus, you will need some courage too. Loving people, especially sinners and those we self-righteously deem as unworthy of our love, is about building bridges. When you seek to do this, sometimes the ones who won’t like the bridge you are trying to build are those in the church. But build them anyway because we have a responsibility to reach those who are lost with the gospel and to go after sheep who may have wandered away. This is going to take courage, but remember if we don’t do it, nobody else will.

    Final Thought

    As you go forward and you choose to love people I will leave you with one thought that sums up why we need to be people who love others.

    “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:34-35).

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/carles miro

    Clarence L. Haynes Jr. is a speaker, Bible teacher, and co-founder of The Bible Study Club.  He is the author of The Pursuit of Purpose which will help you understand how God leads you into his will. His most recent book is The Pursuit of Victory: How To Conquer Your Greatest Challenges and Win In Your Christian Life. This book will teach you how to put the pieces together so you can live a victorious Christian life and finally become the man or woman of God that you truly desire to be. Clarence is also committed to helping 10,000 people learn how to study the Bible and has just released his first Bible study course called Bible Study Basics. To learn more about his ministry please visit clarencehaynes.com. 

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    Clarence L. Haynes Jr.

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  • Microgreens are Easy to Grow the Back to the Roots Organic Kit

    Microgreens are Easy to Grow the Back to the Roots Organic Kit

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    Above: On Day 4 the arugula was green and the radishes just germinating.

    Next time, I’ll sow arugula and radish seeds separately.

    The seeds of any vegetable or herb can be used for growing microgreens. Brassicas, in the so-called cruciferous family (named for their cross-shaped flowers), have the pleasing peppery flavor I like in these tidbits, and they have the most nutrition, bite for bite. Broccoli, cauliflower, cabbages, kohlrabi, mustards, arugula, brussels sprouts—each qualify. Spices like fenugreek and coriander are fun and flavorful, provided the seeds are fresh.

    Above: Wild garlic mustard microgreens on a forest floor.

    There is another seed option, which adds earth-friendly, invasivore fun to outdoor excursions: wild microgreens. Invasive mustards like garlic mustard (Alliaria petiolata) in the Eastern states and black mustard (Brassica nigra) on the West Coast are environmental scourges, producing thousands of seeds per plant at the end of their flowering season. Gather handfuls of their mature, skinny seed pods in early summer, shake them out, and germinate your own, back home. Other feral seeds that work well include lamb’s quarters and amaranths.

    Above: A sprinkle of microgreens delivers outsize satisfaction.

    Feta and Yogurt Dip with Microgreens

    This creamy, satisfying dip is excellent with crisp, raw vegetables, but it is versatile (see below). Feta that is packaged in brine has a better consistency than the crumbled versions. I am partial to sheep’s milk, and other white cheeses in brine can also be used, if you are lucky enough to live near the Balkan or Middle Eastern markets that sell them. You are unlikely to need additional salt, but always taste, to check.

    • 6 oz  feta, broken up
    • ¼ cup Greek yogurt
    • 1 Tablespoon tahini
    • ¼ teaspoon lemon zest
    • 3 small celery ribs from the heart, finely chopped
    • 3 Tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
    • A flurry of microgreens
    • Urfa biber (optional)
    • Black pepper (optional)
    • Raw vegetables (optional)

    In a food processor combine the feta cheese with the yogurt and the tahini. Pulse until the mixture is smooth, scraping the sides down a few times to dislodge any whole lumps of feta. Spoon the smooth dip onto a serving plate, leaving some depressions on the surface for the olive oil to pool. Scatter the chopped celery across. Drizzle the olive oil over the surface, add the microgreens, and top with your raw vegetables before finishing with the urfa biber and black pepper, if using.

    The dip, finished with the necessary bite of spicy microgreens, can also be:

    • slathered onto toast and briefly broiled.
    • tossed with warm, just-cooked vegetables, like carrots.
    • spooned into a pillowy bed for beans or chickpeas.
    • whisked into a thick dressing for chunky romaine or iceberg lettuce.
    • piled up as a foundation for warm, poached eggs.
    • mixed into egg salad in lieu of less-healthy mayonnaise.

    See also:

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  • How to Grow Microgreens with the Back to the Roots Organic Kit

    How to Grow Microgreens with the Back to the Roots Organic Kit

    [ad_1]

    Above: On Day 4 the arugula was green and the radishes just germinating.

    Next time, I’ll sow arugula and radish seeds separately.

    The seeds of any vegetable or herb can be used for growing microgreens. Brassicas, in the so-called cruciferous family (named for their cross-shaped flowers), have the pleasing peppery flavor I like in these tidbits, and they have the most nutrition, bite for bite. Broccoli, cauliflower, cabbages, kohlrabi, mustards, arugula, brussels sprouts—each qualify. Spices like fenugreek and coriander are fun and flavorful, provided the seeds are fresh.

    Above: Wild garlic mustard microgreens on a forest floor.

    There is another seed option, which adds earth-friendly, invasivore fun to outdoor excursions: wild microgreens. Invasive mustards like garlic mustard (Alliaria petiolata) in the Eastern states and black mustard (Brassica nigra) on the West Coast are environmental scourges, producing thousands of seeds per plant at the end of their flowering season. Gather handfuls of their mature, skinny seed pods in early summer, shake them out, and germinate your own, back home. Other feral seeds that work well include lamb’s quarters and amaranths.

    Above: A sprinkle of microgreens delivers outsize satisfaction.

    Feta and Yogurt Dip with Microgreens

    This creamy, satisfying dip is excellent with crisp, raw vegetables, but it is versatile (see below). Feta that is packaged in brine has a better consistency than the crumbled versions. I am partial to sheep’s milk, and other white cheeses in brine can also be used, if you are lucky enough to live near the Balkan or Middle Eastern markets that sell them. You are unlikely to need additional salt, but always taste, to check.

    • 6 oz  feta, broken up
    • ¼ cup Greek yogurt
    • 1 Tablespoon tahini
    • ¼ teaspoon lemon zest
    • 3 small celery ribs from the heart, finely chopped
    • 3 Tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
    • A flurry of microgreens
    • Urfa biber (optional)
    • Black pepper (optional)
    • Raw vegetables (optional)

    In a food processor combine the feta cheese with the yogurt and the tahini. Pulse until the mixture is smooth, scraping the sides down a few times to dislodge any whole lumps of feta. Spoon the smooth dip onto a serving plate, leaving some depressions on the surface for the olive oil to pool. Scatter the chopped celery across. Drizzle the olive oil over the surface, add the microgreens, and top with your raw vegetables before finishing with the urfa biber and black pepper, if using.

    The dip, finished with the necessary bite of spicy microgreens, can also be:

    • slathered onto toast and briefly broiled.
    • tossed with warm, just-cooked vegetables, like carrots.
    • spooned into a pillowy bed for beans or chickpeas.
    • whisked into a thick dressing for chunky romaine or iceberg lettuce.
    • piled up as a foundation for warm, poached eggs.
    • mixed into egg salad in lieu of less-healthy mayonnaise.

    See also:

    (Visited 1 times, 1 visits today)

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  • 5 Beautiful Reasons God Created Grandparents

    5 Beautiful Reasons God Created Grandparents

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    Have you ever wondered why God created grandparents? For most of us, we couldn’t imagine our lives without them.

    I know I can’t! I was lucky enough to have not just a grandmother, but a great-grandmother too. My grandfathers had passed on before my birth, but we do not forget their lives and legacies.

    God created everything for a purpose, and that didn’t get lost on grandparents. Let’s explore five reasons God created grandparents. 

    1. Grandparents Never Stop Being Parents

    My parents often remind me that I am their little girl. I even tell my own children, they will always be my babies. It does not matter how big they get or what job they have; we are still their parents. This thought overflows from the generation before us. 

    My granny had three children and there were countless times I would hear her correcting them or giving instruction. I used to think it was funny to hear my granny speak to her grown children that way, but it makes perfect sense today. 

    Parenting is not an action you can turn on and off. Grandparents are no longer on the front lines of parenting, but they still have an important role to play. Whenever mom or dad needs advice, support, help, or a shoulder to cry on, they are there. Grandparents also have the unique ability to parent their grandchildren when mom or dad can’t. 

    2. Grandparents Hold the Family Together

    When I became a mother, my views on family became narrower. I often only considered what was happening in my home. My role was to keep my household running, and that often left me in the dark to what was happening in my extended family. Today, I find myself asking my mom or dad about extended family members.

    Grandparents no longer have the responsibility of raising their own children. They have entered a season of life that finds them keeping up with the happenings of the extended family. Often, I would hear my granny or grandma talk about aunts, uncles, and cousins that lived miles from me. They would relay the message when a baby was on the way, someone was graduating from high school, or there was a death in the family. 

    Without my grandparents, I wouldn’t know how my extended family was doing. My grandparents were the glue holding the pieces together. They were the cornerstone of our family. 

    In the Bible, they refer to Jesus as the cornerstone (Ephesians 2:19-20). A cornerstone was the most important part of a structure’s foundation. If the cornerstone failed, the entire building would fall. Without grandparents to keep us together, our families would fall. 

    Grandparents are the ones that keep up with everyone. They plan the family gatherings and check in with family members. As the cornerstone of the family, grandparents make sure that all family members have what they need, and know we love them.

    3. Grandparents Provide a Support System

    Having a support system is so important for any season of life. Personally, I found myself needing a support system when my son, Jackson, turned three. At that time, he was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome and needed speech and occupational therapy. I had no idea what I was going to do with my husband working full time, and we had a two-year-old daughter. 

    While all this was happening, I learned granny would come to the rescue. She would go with me to therapy appointments and babysit our daughter. Granny always listened when I needed to vent and gave me some of the best advice on earth. 

    Grandparents provide their children and grandchildren with an irreplaceable support system. They can help watch children when mom and dad are working. They can help get the homework done before mom gets home to cook dinner. 

    Grandparents can be a sounding board for their grandchildren as well. Often, children will open up to their grandparents when they won’t with their parents. Children feel like grandma and grandpa will understand them and be less judgmental. I always felt like I could say anything to my grandma, and she would keep my secrets. 

    When grandparents are part of your support system, they greatly reduce the level of family stress. Emotional and behavioral issues in children are reduced and parents can rest easy knowing their children are being cared for when they are at work or handling other daily responsibilities.  

    4. Grandparents Deliver Wisdom to their Families

    Our grandparents know how hard life can be. They also know how much easier we have it now than they did as a child. The lessons they have learned in their lifetime can serve us well if we listen. 

    My daughter asked me several years ago where I learned to sew. I was working on a cross-stitch project, and she wanted to help. As I began teaching her how to thread a needle and begin making the cross-stitch, I was reminded of summers with granny. 

    Granny Annie would babysit me during the summer while mom and dad worked. She always brought her sewing projects to work on. One day I asked her the same question my daughter asked me. She handed me a needle and began teaching me to sew.  

    That wisdom from granny taught me how to mend holes in socks, shirts, and pants. Her lessons and stories made me appreciate the luxuries I had. They also taught me that hard work killed no one. 

    Grandparents deliver wisdom not only to their grandchildren, but their adult children. Anytime I have a problem, I go to mine or my husband’s parents. I know they have raised children and most likely dealt with whatever I am dealing with before. 

    Grandparents offer a special place to gain wisdom just as the Lord offers us the Holy Spirit to gain wisdom and knowledge. 

    5. Grandparents Pass on the Family Legacy

    Throughout the Bible, we can find verses that tell us God commanded His people to tell the next generation of His deeds. God knew how easily we forget what He has done for us. We need reminding, so God created grandparents. 

    Passing on a legacy is about helping those who came after you decide how they want to live their lives. Our grandparents pass on a family legacy by living a certain way and sharing the roots of their family. 

    My great-grandma was always telling us about her life as a young bride and new mother. She talked about giving birth at home before the midwife got there. She would tell us how she had to wash clothes, get food for the family, and help on the farm. My great-grandma has left a legacy of hard work and dedication to her family. 

    There is nothing more precious than the legacy grandparents leave with their family. Passing on stories of their childhood and sharing lessons they learned in life strengthens you. My granny Annie was a strong woman. She worked hard and loved everyone.

    What I remember the most about her was her ability to forgive. She never held a grudge and let bitterness affect her life. That is the life I want to live.

    My grandparents wanted us to always remember where we came from, just as God wants His children to remember what He brought them out of. 

    RELATED PODCAST: Check out this free, inspiring bedtime story for your grandkids!

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/monkeybusinessimages

    Ashley Hooker is a freelance writer who spends her time homeschooling her two children, ministering alongside her husband as he pastors a rural church in West Virginia, and writing about her faith. Currently, she is a contributing author for Journey Christian magazine. She has taken part in mission trips with the NC Baptist Men during the devastation of Hurricanes Katrina and Harvey in Mississippi and Texas. In her local church, she has served on various committees focusing in the area of evangelism along with traveling to West Virginia and Vermont to share the Gospel. Her dream is to spend her time writing and sharing the love of Christ with all she meets.

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    Ashley Hooker

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  • How My Husband and I Restored Emotional Trust in Our Marriage

    How My Husband and I Restored Emotional Trust in Our Marriage

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    My husband and I reluctantly entered the room with our new marriage counselor. We were both anxious about the upcoming conversations and hopeful that bringing an outsider into our relationship. The session started with a comprehensive family history, which revealed our parents had remained married, thankfully upping our chances of overcoming the issues that we faced in our union. Yes!

    Next, our counselor asked if we had experienced any major breaks in trust. He asked about sexual promiscuity, pornography, financial trust, affairs, and other lies that may have undermined the foundation of trust between us. We answered these questions honestly, revealing that none of these obvious violations had taken place between us. He cheerfully reported the odds of our success looked good! We left feeling encouraged. 

    We stayed faithful to our counseling sessions and made some progress toward healing. We soon felt we were doing well enough to step back from attending these sessions. Fast forward a few years, and the issues between us had grown. We felt more lost and hopeless in our relationship than ever before. 

    We have since resumed counseling a second time with a new therapist and have found the healing that had eluded us the first go around. In retrospect, I realized that the reason why the first time didn’t “take” for us is that the questions about trust overlooked one major area where trust is vital in marriage. Emotional trust had been lost between us. 

    I’d venture to say that one of the primary marriage killers is when emotional trust is broken. This can be harder to spot, understand, and manage because it’s much more subtle than the traditional big breaks we know bring marriages to an end. 

    It starts when we go to our partner with a need, a want, a failure, a desire, and we are rejected many times over. Eventually, what happens is we start building walls that keep us insulated from our spouse. We no longer trust each other with the important stuff. 

    Our Story 

    In our home, it got so bad that I was nervous to ask my husband to do small tasks, such as passing me a fork. I was worried that any request could be used against me, but I wouldn’t know until I asked for something more taxing, such as emotional support for the stress I was feeling as a mom. Then, the way I asked for a fork the day earlier would be ammunition as to why I was either chronically at fault, I was failing as a wife, and ultimately, as a reason not to show me love and support when I needed it. I would grow more hurt and distraught, confirming my husband’s feelings that I was “crazy,” too emotional, unreasonable, unsafe, and all around not worth it. 

    This kind of cycle of distrust, bitterness, disunity, and unhealthy communication grows unbearable over time. Though we were deeply committed to our marriage, the lack of emotional trust had corroded any goodwill that we were clinging to in our marriage. At the end of our 15th year of marriage, I told my husband with utter honesty that I no longer believed he loved me. He liked the idea of me; he appreciated my ability to run a house well, take care of our kids, and generally support him. Yet, me, as the one he declared to have and to hold until death, the one he nervously got on one knee to propose to, the one that he shared so many firsts with, that me he had lost sight of and only worked to guard himself against in the present moment. 

    Long story short, we were at a crisis point. Our commitment to marriage was about convenience, kids, and expediency. Emotional intimacy was a pipe dream that neither of us understood how to realize. 

    You, like me, are probably starting to feel hopeless. I was without hope. I asked my husband to leave because I honestly believed I was only making him miserable. His refusal to leave felt like more of a punishment than a commitment to love me. I was so burdened by the role of ‘failing wife’ that I wished for separation more than I hoped for change. But God. 

    God is the defining difference in being able to overcome a truly dark cycle of bitterness. Without our mutual, separate, yet unified decisions to give up all our own efforts and instead cry out to God to heal the things we could not change on our own, our marriage would still be on the fast track to destruction. We had done everything we could over the prior 15 years to manage our own broken tendencies, but the one thing we were unable to achieve on our own was true repentance and forgiveness.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/monkeybusinessimages 

    The Steps Towards Repentance 

    This is the part of the story where wonder and mystery intersect with practical work and effort. God does this crazy thing where he changes us completely in ways we can’t quite quantify while also telling us to use wisdom to partner with his life-changing Spirit. We did the thing we knew to do, which was go back to counseling. My husband went a step further and found his own personal counselor and did some extra work on his own to discover where the tension and closed-offness had originated in his life. 

    Not all men are the same, but I know in our case, things had got so tense between us that he honestly could not hear me anymore. The more I worked to explain, the more disdain for me grew in his heart, and I could feel it. He needed someone else to talk to that he could trust, and that would feel safe for him to really explore all that he was struggling with. I believe his individual counseling from a Spirit-filled man helped lead him toward repentance. 

    In the meantime, all I could do was let go. I had to let go of a cloud of ugly words that had been exchanged between us. I had to ask God to allow me to forgive myself. I had been weaker, less able, meaner, more frail of a wife than I ever imagined I would be. The weight of guilt I felt for being anxious, depressed, needy, naggy, or whatever the word was that filled my head that day became crushing. 

    I needed God to help me to forgive my husband. He had not loved me well when I needed support. He had no idea how to let me into his life; he had never learned. From a young age he learned how to build strong emotional walls that kept him safe from sadness and all other unpleasant feelings. Then came a woman filled with empathy, looking for support. As soon as my emotions came out, his walls went up. It was a recipe for hurt that played out many times over fifteen years of marriage. Only Jesus has the power to re-write those kinds of broken stories. 

    I asked God to change the way I saw my husband. I wanted God’s eyes for this man I had committed to love. I still pray that he would help me see the things that sometimes bother me as a blessing. We are different, which sometimes makes being together tricky, but our differences don’t make us wrong; they just require us to be a little more patient sometimes. I had grown quite impatient with my husband. I started being more open with our village. We needed more than ourselves to climb out of this pit. I showed up at counseling again. I asked God to help him hear me and see me because that was the thing that had been lost between us over time.

    We also began praying together each night. 

    The Miracle

    Somewhere over the course of the last year, which happened to also be a very stressful year for us, God started changing us, and the reason I know repentance and forgiveness are covering us is that I can feel the fruits of the spirit at work between us again. I have peace while in the room with my husband again. I can trust that he will do all he can to be self-controlled when it comes to his reactions to my needs. Joy can be shared between us when we are alone together. These are the markers of a trustworthy change. Freedom from a dark cycle of painful interactions is rising up in our marriage! God is gracious. 

    The Takeaway 

    I share this first to let you know that if you and your spouse are in that dark corner of hopelessness for your marriage and you are safe from abuse, desiring to find a path towards repentance, God is able. 

    You have to be willing to give up your every right and let God give you his eyes of love for your spouse. There is no easy, painless road to repentance when years of discord have resulted in the place you are now. You have to confront the ugly and then patiently hand it over to Jesus. Trusting him to give you a new way of being. 

    Here is a reminder as your journey towards freedom in marriage is that we are not the Savior of our partner. An important step in my going to God was also giving the outcome to him. No part of me was able to change my husband to be the man I needed him to be. I knew if we could not get off our ugly roller coaster, one of us would have to get off alone at some point. I had to trust God if that was the outcome, too. 

    Marriage was not made to be a cage that traps us, but it’s a fireplace that keeps our passion, love, and families safe. Freedom from an unhealthy relationship can look like repentance, and sometimes it looks like separation. God is with us on either journey, and both are hard. Wherever you are I pray that God would do immeasurably more than you could ask or imagine on your behalf (Ephesians 3:20). He is able!

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Sam Edwards 

    Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. She has most recently published a devotional, Comfort: A 30 Day Devotional Exploring God’s Heart of Love for Mommas. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.

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    Amanda Idleman

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  • What to Do When You Want to Seek Revenge

    What to Do When You Want to Seek Revenge

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    There are those who daydream of ponies and picnics, and then there is me… dreaming of the ways I can take revenge on my enemies. 

    When we hear ‘revenge,’ we often think of slashing tires and egging houses, or worse. But revenge can be much simpler. Sometimes our success is ‘revenge.’ We dream of the day our enemy scrolls through social media to see our radical weight loss transformation or our beautiful European vacation. We can even “spiritualize” our revenge. We pick “good” goals in our lives to shame our enemies. But this revenge is just as sinister. And just as tempting. There is something about revenge… 

    What Does the Bible Say About Revenge?

    Every time I feel bent on revenge, I read Romans 12. Romans 12 is very anti-revenge, as you can imagine. Although there are plenty of Bible verses condemning our fantasies of revenge, Romans 12 lays it all out for us. Starting in verse 14 it reads, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.” In verse 17, it continues, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath.” 

    I could not have said it better myself, “Do not take revenge.” No arguing with that. Short and simple, straight to the point. But did you notice that the Scripture calls us “my dear friends”? In our dark moments when revenge feels so tempting, our pain is recognized in that sentiment. Often, those seeking revenge are seeking retribution for some kind of hurt or injustice. Although we are asked not to take revenge, we are simultaneously seen in our suffering. Do not see God’s command as a dismissal of whatever you may have gone through or experienced. God sees you and cares. In fact, He cares far too much to allow you to take revenge. He would rather handle that part for you. 

    Will They Just ‘Get Away with It’?

    It is difficult to let go of the idea of revenge because it can feel as though we let our enemy off the hook. But right after we are asked not to take revenge, we are reminded to “leave room for God’s wrath” (v 19). 

    Do not forget that we serve a God who cares about justice. He cares about our tears, our suffering, and our wounds. He will not stand idle. When we choose to take revenge into our own hands, we are actually taking from God. God is our avenger; leave space for His working hand. 

    Choosing self-control over revenge does not mean we have let someone get away with something. Rather, it shows our strength to trust in God to fight our battles. The rest of verse 19 says, “’It is mine to avenge; I will repay’, says the Lord.” Leave justice to God. 

    When God asks us to refrain from revenge, He is not excusing bad behavior on behalf of the other party. He is not minimizing your pain or the issue at hand. He is simply saying to leave room for Him. He will handle it, my dear friend. 

    What Do I Do Instead?

    Romans 12 continues to describe the anti-revenge plan to us in verse 20. It reads, “On the contrary: ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” 

    Romans gives us God’s alternative to revenge: kindness. Do not mistake kindness for weakness. Our deepest strength is displayed when we turn an evil situation into something good. We stop the evil that has been perpetrated against us in its tracks. We do not allow ourselves to be overcome by that evil. As Proverbs 25:20 says, when we choose kindness and generosity towards our enemies over revenge, God will reward us. 

    What Will God Do When I Choose Kindness Over Revenge?

    When we choose kindness over revenge, we acknowledge God as our protector. God cares about whatever you are going through, and He wants to defend and protect you. When you feel tempted to take matters into your own hands, remember these Scriptures that describe God as our ultimate shield and protector: 

    “Our soul waits for the LORD; He is our help and our shield.” Psalm 33:20

    “The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me…” Psalm 28:7

    “The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior—from violent people you save me.” 2 Samuel 22:3

    “The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” Psalm 18:2

    “As for God, his way is perfect: The LORD’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.” Psalm 18:30

    “But the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one.” 2 Thessalonians 3:3

    “But You, O LORD, are a shield about me. My glory, and the One who lifts my head.” Psalm 3:3

    I love the imagery of God as my shield. He is there to take the arrows for me. He goes before me. He will sacrifice Himself for my protection. He is my Protector. When I desire revenge, I envision God as my shield, and I feel the space to be vulnerable and trust that He will keep me safe. 

    What’s in It for Me?

    Often, the sweet victory we imagine does not quite come. Revenge in our imagination can feel intoxicating. In practice, however, it can feel anticlimactic. Typically, revenge does not feel as good as we think it will feel. In fact, revenge only offers temporary relief at best. At worst, it makes us feel worse. 

    When reading Romans 12, we see that the best ‘revenge’ is kindness. Kindness from someone you have wounded can sting. But this is the type of sting that is transformative. Revenge multiplies wounds. Kindness opens opportunities. When we choose the road of kindness, we free ourselves from the spell of bitterness and we give our enemies the chance at redemption and reconciliation. We open the doors for mutual healing. And ultimately, we glorify God. 

    I believe God asks us to leave Him the role of avenger partly to protect us. He knows that vengeance delays healing. He is a much better dealer of justice than we are, anyway. When we choose God’s way, we no longer are shackled to the injustices committed against us. We get to display great strength of character. We get to see our enemies humbled by our kindness. And we get to build a deeper relationship with God. The deepening of this relationship will demonstrate God’s care for us in ways we have never seen before. 

    Next time you desire to take revenge, remember who is fighting for you. God wants to fight this battle for you. He wants to protect you. He wants to transform you in the process. Do not take away what is rightfully God’s, as He says, “It is mine to avenge, I will repay.” Revenge does not belong to us. God will watch over you. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/SIphotography

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    Ryan Holland

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  • 6 Reasons Why Counseling Is a Saving Grace for a Troubled Marriage

    6 Reasons Why Counseling Is a Saving Grace for a Troubled Marriage

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    Marriage is a beautiful covenant between two people who love each other. It is the best example on earth of the relationship between Jesus and his bride, the church. But humans, as we have seen in Genesis in the garden of Eden, can have difficulty in their relationships. Nothing is truer than difficulties in marriage. Marriage is hard work. Marriages have ups and downs, highs and lows. But sometimes marriages can feel as if they’ve reached their breaking point, with no hope of ever returning to the fruitful relationship God meant it to be. God wants us to put our very best into our marriages. No couple should consider divorce until they have gone through the counseling process. Although counseling still has a stigma among Christians as for being for people who have serious psychological problems or mental illnesses, counseling can be a great tool for even the most difficult marriages. Here are six reasons why counseling is the saving grace for her troublesome marriage:

    1. It helps process pain.

    Each couple brings baggage into their relationship. This includes emotional trauma, childhood wounds, and emotional voids that can only be filled with Christ. However, some people try to fill it with their spouse, believing that if they just love their spouse enough and their spouse loves them, they will fill the hole in their soul that can only be filled with Christ. A counselor can help each couple process their personal pain. They may also be able to draw connections between the issues in their past and their current relationship issues. If the dots between past pain and current marriage issues are connected properly, a counselor can help couples with tools and strategies for better communication and healing past pain so that they can interact with each other in positive, healthy ways.

    2. It gives hope in the future.

    When a marriage is at its worst, it is easy for couples to over-dramatize, believing their marriage is unsalvageable. As long as the marriage is rooted in Christ, anything is possible. Those couples who put their hope in God can also find hope for their future as married couples. If even one spouse remains hopeful that their marriage can be saved, both spouses can work together to take responsibility for their issues, correct their behaviors, and move forward with a positive outlook for their marriage. As long as both spouses vow they will not give up and commit to persevere, there is still hope their marriage can be saved. Even a marriage destroyed by adultery can still have hope for its future. With the power of forgiveness and through Christ’s sacrifice on the cross, there is nothing a couple can’t endure with Christ at the center.

    3. You get a third party’s perspective.

    Jesus Christ acted as a mediator toward us in God. In every situation, we were not meant to be alone. It is always good to get another party’s perspective on an issue. When a couple is working through a difficult situation, each sees it through their own lens. A third party who is not invested in the issue can see it and give an unbiased opinion on what to do. The counselor can also help balance the scales when it comes to placing blame and each couple taking responsibility for their part in the issue. It is easy for couples to take the blame on the other and pretend it’s all the other person’s fault. Yet, they both have contributed to the marriage’s failure. Any marriage can be saved if a couple is willing to see the issue for what it is and pursue a resolution with humility and grace.

    4. Help with communication.

    Communication breakdown is one of the main issues in every marriage. When spouses cannot communicate with each other and trust is broken, they can be deceived into thinking it is easier to break up than it is to persevere. A counselor can give practical tips and strategies for each spouse to communicate and ways the other person can understand. A counselor will help each spouse communicate with each other in a way that makes the other feel heard, their feelings validated, and feel less blamed or attacked. When spouses can communicate in ways that communicate needs rather than attack the other’s character, trust and intimacy can be rebuilt.

    For example, a popular tool some counselors use is “I” statements. When couples fight, it is easy to make statements using the word you as the focus. One spouse may say, “you never help around the house,” which makes the other spouse feel like their efforts are not appreciated. The spouse can instead say, “I feel unappreciated when I do the majority of the work around the house,” communicating their need and a specific way without making the other feel like their efforts are not good enough. Further, the counselor can help understand the real need behind the statement. Is the problem just that the spouse one spouse does most of the household chores? Or is there a deeper emotional need that needs to be filled?

    5. Rebuild trust.

    Once trust is broken in a relationship, it is difficult to get back. And it doesn’t mean that it is impossible; a very good counselor can help give you homework and assignments to complete during your sessions. This may include having each person journal their feelings separately and then coming together to discuss them. The counselor may also give specific rules for communication as a way to stop the conversation if the statements become more attack and blame rather than communicating needs and desires.

    Every person wants to feel wanted by the other. But one spouse may keep the other at arm’s length if they feel they cannot trust them. By taking baby steps toward rebuilding trust, intimacy can be achieved in both spouses can achieve their need for connection and intimacy.

    6. Apply the Bible.

    Christian couples’ desires for Christ should be at the center of their marriage. However, both come from different denominational and theological backgrounds. Therefore, their interpretation of Scripture might be very different from each other. A third party, particularly a Christian counselor, can help them apply Scripture in a way that makes both the husband and wife feel needed, valued, and appreciated in their relationship. For example, it is common for couples to misinterpret or misapply the Ephesians 5 passage on marriage. A counselor can help each part of the couple fulfill their biblical duties yet give their input into situations and feel their opinions are valued and appreciated. By allowing someone from a different theological background to help them interpret the Bible in a healthy way for their marriage, a counselor can help clear up any misconceptions and allow them to apply biblical principles yet still feel as though both parties are equal partners in their relationship.

    Counseling is an excellent strategy for spouses on the brink of divorce. However, counseling does not need to be saved for when the marriage is in crisis mode. If you are in constant conflict with your spouse and communicating less, it may be time to see a counselor. You can refrain from allowing small situations to explode into significant conflicts by nipping issues in the bud.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/jacoblund

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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    Michelle S. Lazurek

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  • 7 Ways to Make Sure Your Spouse Doesn’t Become Just a Roommate

    7 Ways to Make Sure Your Spouse Doesn’t Become Just a Roommate

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    Ever notice how the candy aisle in the grocery store dictates what season it is? When my teenagers were younger, we used to call it the “fun aisle.” I’d say, “Do you all want to go down the fun aisle today and see what they have”? Still today, it’s filled with candy, toys, gifts, dishes, and more!

    How is it that we easily want to please our children with candy and toys in the seasonal aisle, but we can let the season we’re in at home steal our attention from our spouse? Sometimes, we can become caretakers to our children and more like roommates to our spouses.

    I remember thinking early on in marriage, “Who would ever just become like a roommate to their spouse? Certainly not me because that doesn’t happen to someone who waited so long to get married (I was 33, he was 41 when we got married).” Boy, was I wrong. Becoming more like a roommate can happen to any of us, especially if we aren’t on guard to prioritize our spouse. Little by little, we slip into merely occupying the same physical space but not the same heart space.

    It’s easy to justify going to bed without praying together or without giving each other a good night kiss. Sometimes, even leaving your spouse to clean up the dishes from dinner and retreating to bed without an “I love you” or “Thank you for doing the dishes tonight” can lead to further roommate status when you don’t have that time to connect (or the reverse is true in the morning).

    It’s easy to give attention to who’s the loudest in the room, and sometimes that’s our children. They demand a lot from us (but we love them!), and sometimes their requests leave us feeling depleted toward our spouse. All perfect set-ups to think, “I’ll talk with her later” or “He knows I love him,” and we slip further away from the love and passion we experienced when we first married.

    My husband and I both work from home. We’re grateful that we have work that allows us to be more flexible in our home and work-life flow. People often say, “Oh, you must go out on romantic dates while you’re both home,” and we have done that some. But it’s not as romantic when you have bed hair, smelly breath, and just want to get some caffeine in you after you drop off the kids at school.

    I have seen that I can be a happier spouse when I implement just a few things that show I don’t want to become just his roommate but the woman he fell in love with and that he stays in love with.

    We all know that, mathematically, seven isn’t a perfect number (its factors don’t add up to 7 – I had to look that one up!). But to God, it was a perfect number. He created everything within six days and rested on the seventh day. Thus, seven is considered complete or perfect.

    We are not perfect (we know!), neither is our love for our spouse. But God’s love is perfect and covers us, including how we relate to our spouse. Love is not an easy road moving forward, but actually, love is even more powerful when it comes to the winding paths we take with our spouse and even recovering from the bumps and hills along the way.

    No list of things we can do will make marriage more likely to succeed or less likely to feel like you’re polar opposites, just like the earth, moon, and stars when they span the sky and don’t line up (which only happens 4-7 times per year that they line up as an eclipse, according to NASA). Gives new meaning to the hit song “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler, doesn’t it?

    So how do we eclipse the thought, “You’re more my roommate than my spouse”? Here are some ideas:

    1. It takes an intentional shift, but when you can ask yourself: “How should I show my spouse that I love them by serving them even though they haven’t offered this to me?” It puts your heart in a position of humility to love unconditionally, which spouses have promised to do.

    2. When you do a chore or job before your spouse has a chance to do it, it shows them that you took the time to notice something they usually do. It’s a quiet way of saying, “I notice what you do for me.” And if they don’t notice, it puts your heart in a place to receive from God, even if not from your spouse. God is always faithful to meet our needs.

    3. Often, we’re so busy doing what we need to do in a day’s time that we don’t stop to ask, “What is a highlight of your day right now? What’s hard for you right now? How are you feeling about (fill in the blank with something you know they are struggling with)? I often try to ask my husband one question like this each morning or evening. Sometimes, I’m not consistent, but I try to show him that I care about him, not just because we live in the same house but because we are one. God sees us as such, and I want to see him as my life partner, not just the person I share a home with.

    4. When you ask your spouse: “What is something that I do that annoys you and what is something I do that affirms you?” you can really take care of anything that you aren’t aware of that has come into your relationship. Roommates often move on or move out and don’t always address what might be between them. This is where overcoming the roommate syndrome can really be advantageous for you both as a couple to move past barriers.

    5. One day I noticed that my husband was always last to sit down at dinner. It felt like I was either eating by myself at the table or with whatever kids were home at the time. Finally, I asked him about it, and he said, “Growing up, it bothered me that dirty dishes were in the sink, so now it’s hard for me to sit down and eat when there are dirty dishes in the sink from food prep.” After almost 20 years of marriage, that was so helpful to know. He wasn’t avoiding conversation or sitting with me at the table; he wanted to take care of the dishes. Unless you ask the questions on your mind, you can’t grow closer to understanding each other and your backgrounds.

    6. Showing romantic love toward your spouse can look different for men and women. Men often receive love through physical expression and women through emotional empathy and listening. When we flip sides and start thinking more about how our spouse likes to receive love, it can help us to see that in a healthy marriage, one partner is not more need-oriented or selfish. Both need to express themselves in a romantic relationship. It’s not always about what your spouse needs from you, but what you can express that will draw your spouse to you. That’s true love!

    7. It doesn’t get lost on me that when I disappoint my husband, or he disappoints me, there is a safety net that catches us. I want to be the one who doesn’t hold something against him but releases him into the net. God will meet him there, and God will meet me when I crash into the net. It’s natural to blame or shift the focus onto the other person, but when we can treat our spouse with forgiveness and a deep love that roommates don’t have, like a married couple, we are able to say, “I forgive you, and my life is matched with yours and yours with mine. You aren’t perfect, and I am not, but we are loved by a God who thought enough of us to bring us together and to help us walk out living as life partners, not just temporary roommates.”

    Do you know the one thing that is good about getting older? We literally forget more easily! Our brains have been retaining so much knowledge and carry so much. I find that if we feel more like roommates one day, we get the chance to start over, and often, one of us will forget something the other said. Roommates often hold onto words because it’s all they have. But spouses let go of words said that don’t line up with who the person is and instead love them faithfully as if you can’t live without them. This is the bond of married couples that God has put in us because he values the covenant relationship between him and each other. So much so that he gives us seasons in life and seasons in our marriage. It’s not easy, but like a kid in the “fun aisle,” we can enjoy the aisle we have walked down together and continue to look for the treats in life that we get to experience together.

    Photo credit: © Getty Images/monkeybusinessimages

    Blythe Daniel is a literary agent, author, and marketer. Her agency markets books through podcasts, blogs, and launch teams and represents books to publishers. Blythe was the publicity director for Thomas Nelson Publishers and has been a literary agent for the past 16 years. Blythe has written for Proverbs 31 Ministries, Ann Voskamp, Focus on the Family, CCM Magazine, Christian Retailing, and others. Blythe and her mother have co-authored two books: Mended: Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters (Harvest House) and I Love You Mom: Cherished Word Gifts from My Heart to Yours (Tyndale). She is married and lives in Colorado with her family.

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    Blythe Daniel

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  • Tuna Salad – The Southern Lady Cooks

    Tuna Salad – The Southern Lady Cooks

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    Tuna Salad is easy to make and wonderful to make a sandwich or enjoy on crackers. We love it creamy and with boiled eggs.

    Tuna SaladTuna Salad

    If you love tuna recipes, you may also love this tuna macaroni salad. It’s easy to make and a great side dish!

    ❤️WHY WE LOVE THIS RECIPE

    We love this tuna salad because it’s so easy to make and it’s so easy to enjoy! Sometimes, you just don’t feel like cooking, and you can make this up on a Sunday and have lunch in no time. We love to make a sandwich or have it on ritz crackers.

    🍴KEY INGREDIENTS

    • Tuna in water
    • Celery
    • Onion
    • Sweet pickle relish or chopped pickles
    • Mayonnaise
    • Boiled Eggs
    • Pepper
    • Salt
    • Smoked paprika (optional)

    SWAPS

    You can add spices you enjoy, like garlic, chives, etc. You can also use sweet or dill relish or pickles. We have also added liquid smoke too.

    🍽️HOW TO MAKE

    Nothing can be easier, the longest part of the process is boiling the eggs.

    COOKING STEPS

    Step 1
    Boil your eggs and chop.

    Step 2
    Mix all ingredients in a bowl. Chill for several hours or can serve at room temperature. Makes great sandwiches.

    Serve on bread or crackers and enjoy!

    ⭐TIP

    We love to make this with Duke’s mayonnaise. You can use whatever you like or even Miracle Whip. This is also wonderful stuffed in a tomato during the summer or on a bed of lettuce.

    Tuna SaladTuna Salad

    🥣RECIPE SUGGESTIONS

    If you love this tuna salad you may also love these delicious recipes. All are great on bread or crackers too.

    • Best Chicken Salad – This is a very versatile recipe and has wonderful reviews. It’s a favorite for a reason. Save time and use rotisserie chicken!
    • Old-Fashioned Bologna Salad – This one is a classic for a reason. Budget-friendly, delicious, and wonderful on Ritz Crackers.
    • Delicious Egg Salad – This one is great any time of year but we especially love it in the summer. Refreshing cold out of the refrigerator.

    ❓FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

    What mayonnaise to you prefer?

    We always use Duke’s but you can use what works for you and your family.

    Not an onion fan, can I leave them out?

    Absolutely, it’s a very versatile recipe.

    Can I use regular paprika?

    Yes, we love it with the smoked or the regular.

    STORING

    We store in the fridge and it will lat 3-4 days.

    Fried Potato Cakes

    These potato cakes are a wonderful appetizer. Great way to enjoy leftover mashed potatoes.

    Dill Pickle Cheese Ball

    If you love pickles you will love this cheese ball. It’s so easy to make and a great appetizer.

    SERVING SIZE

    This makes about 3 cups of tuna salad, so 4-6 servings.

    Tuna Salad

    Leigh Walkup

    This easy tuna salad is wonderful with crackers or on bread. Super easy to make and great for a quick lunch. Made with boiled eggs and has great reviews.

    Prep Time 10 minutes

    Cook Time 0 minutes

    Total Time 10 minutes

    Course sandwich

    Cuisine American, southern

    • 2 (5 ounccans tuna in water drained
    • 1/4 cup celery finely chopped
    • 1/4 onion finely chopped
    • 2 tablespoons sweet pickle relish or chopped pickles
    • 1/3 cup mayonnaise
    • 2 eggs boiled, peeled and chopped
    • 1/8 teaspoon pepper
    • 1/4 teaspoon salt
    • 1/2 teaspoon smoked paprika optional
    Let us know by commenting below!

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    © The Southern Lady Cooks photos and text – All rights reserved. No copying, posting on other sites, or other uses allowed without written permission of the copyright holder.

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    Leigh Walkup

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  • PINEAPPLE COBBLER IN A SKILLET-The Southern Lady Cooks

    PINEAPPLE COBBLER IN A SKILLET-The Southern Lady Cooks

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    This Pineapple Cobbler is a fantastic dessert. Super easy to make and the cherries are a great addition! We make it in an iron skillet but you can easily make it in a 9X13.

    Pineapple CobblerPineapple Cobbler

    If you are a fan of pineapple desserts, you should try this classic Pineapple Upside Down Cake. It’s also made in an iron skillet!

    ❤️WHY WE LOVE THIS RECIPE

    We love the combination of pineapple and coconut so this one goes to the top of the list. Plus it’s simple to make so that is always a plus. We make this in a 10 inch iron skillet but you can also use a 9X13 baking dish. This is a great summer cobbler and wonderful with ice cream or whipped topping.

    🍴KEY INGREDIENTS

    • Pineapple chunks, drained 
    • Maraschino cherries, drained
    • Butter 
    • All-purpose flour
    • Baking powder
    • Salt
    • White granulated sugar
    • Milk
    • Vanilla extract
    • Sweetened coconut flakes
    • Chopped walnuts or pecans, optional

    SWAPS

    If you are not a fan of coconut you can leave it out. You can add the nuts or leave them off.

    🍽️HOW TO MAKE

    This is a very simple dessert, takes no time to put together! We love easy recipes and this is certainly one of them.

    COOKING STEPS

    Step 1
    Spray a 10 inch iron skillet with cooking spray. Add the butter to the skillet and melt in the oven. In a bowl whisk together the flour, baking powder, salt and sugar. 

    Step 2
    Add the milk, pineapple juice and vanilla extract to the flour mixture and stir to combine. Pour into skillet with melted butter and mix with a spoon. 

    Step 3
    Sprinkle on coconut flakes, pineapple chunks, cherries and nuts. Bake in preheated 350 degree oven 35-40 minutes. Can brown top under broiler for a few minutes if you want it browned.

    Pineapple CobblerPineapple Cobbler

    ⭐TIP

    This cobbler is just as good without ice cream. It has a wonderful flavor and the cherries really add to it, but you can leave them off if you are not a fan. This cobbler has a very tropical vibe!

    MORE COBBLER RECIPES

    If you have followed our site for any amount of time, you know we LOVE cobblers. It’s the perfect Southern treat! Here are some of our favorites.

    ❓FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

    Can I use fresh pineapple in this recipe?

    You could, but you will have to add pineapple juice too. The juice from the canned pineapple is necessary.

    Can I use a 2 quart baking dish?

    Yes, and you can also use a 9X13. The cooking time may vary some, just make sure you don’t overcook it.

    STORING AND REHEATING

    We store this in the refrigerator and just heat up in the microwave.

    Pineapple Cobbler

    Anne Walkup

    This Pineapple Cobbler is so easy to make and can be made in an iron skillet or 9X13. Top it with coconut and cherries for a real treat. Easy and delicious!

    Prep Time 10 minutes

    Cook Time 40 minutes

    Total Time 50 minutes

    Course Dessert

    Cuisine American, southern

    • 1 20 ounce can pineapple chunks, drained (save 1/2 cup of the pineapple juice)
    • 1 10 ounce jar maraschino cherries, drained
    • 1 stick butter or 8 tablespoons or 1/2 cup
    • 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
    • 1 teaspoon baking powder
    • 1/2 teaspoon salt
    • 2/3 cup white granulated sugar
    • 1/2 cup milk
    • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
    • 2/3 cup sweetened coconut flakes
    • 1/2 cup chopped walnuts or pecans optional

    • Spray a 10 inch iron skillet with cooking spray. Add the butter to the skillet and melt in the oven. In a bowl whisk together the flour, baking powder, salt and sugar. Add the milk, pineapple juice and vanilla extract to the flour mixture and stir to combine

    • Pour into skillet with melted butter and mix with a spoon. Sprinkle on coconut flakes, pineapple chunks, cherries and nuts. Bake in preheated 350 degree oven 35-40 minutes. Can brown top under broiler for a few minutes if you want it browned. Makes 6 to 8 servings.

    You could also make this in a 9 x 13 baking dish.

    Keyword iron skillet dessert, pineapple cobbler

    Let us know by commenting below!

    Follow us on Pinterest!

    Are you reading our magazine?

    Join 1000’s of others and start a subscription today. Full of new recipes, inspiring stories, country living, and much more.

    © The Southern Lady Cooks photos and text – All rights reserved. No copying, posting on other sites, or other uses allowed without written permission of the copyright holder.

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    Anne Walkup

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  • 5 Aspects of True Love towards Your Spouse

    5 Aspects of True Love towards Your Spouse

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    My husband and I have been married for twenty-three years. The first few Valentine’s Days we spent together were very romantic as each one of us tried to demonstrate our love to each other with grander gestures each year.

    However, as the years went on, it became more difficult to think about the upcoming Valentine’s Day or how to show each other love in ways we hadn’t previously.

    Some years we felt we had gotten stuck in a rut in our marriage and were just going through the motions. We simply did things just to please the other person, and not because we really felt like it.

    Although feelings are not the ultimate indicators of whether we should show love to each other, it does make a difference. Deep feelings create a sense of motivation and urgency. When we feel motivated by something, we’re more apt to do it.

    Because love matures, we have had to understand truly the meaning of the word love.

    Agape love is defined as, “…in the New Testament, the fatherly love of God for humans, as well as the human reciprocal love for God. In Scripture, the transcendent agape love is the highest form of love and is contrasted with eros, or erotic love, and philia, or brotherly love.”

    We often throw the word love around for different things, diminishing the word’s meaning. For example, we may say we love ice cream, and we say we love our spouse. However, we love our spouses differently than we love inanimate objects.

    Love is not just something to make us feel good; it’s an action that is centered around the other person’s thoughts and feelings.

    Here are 5 characteristics that I have learned about true, agape love:

    1. True Love Means Humility

    True love cannot occur if both parties are set in their ways and too prideful to acknowledge the other person’s thoughts and feelings.

    It is difficult to strike a balance between meeting your own needs and wanting to serve the other person. However, if we change our mindset to one that our lives are in service to the other, we will understand true love.

    With love, we put aside our pride and humble ourselves. We apologize when necessary. We work out our differences in kind, loving ways. We resolve to end conflict and not let it fester.

    When we lay down our pride and replace it with humility, we experience a love that goes deeper than any other relationship we can experience here on earth. 

    2. True Love Means Forgiveness

    Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is your spouse. This is because they see the best and worst of us. They know our strengths and our weaknesses and sometimes they use it for their own selfish gain, and sometimes we do the same to them.

    However, that’s not love. To love means we forgive other people’s offenses even when they’ve done it multiple times.

    Forgiveness means to put the past behind us and choose not to remember it anymore. God chooses to remember our sins no more; that is how he chooses to forgive. But that does not mean he doesn’t remember; he simply chooses not to remember it.

    It’s the same with us. We cannot forget past hurt and pain. However, as we forgive others the way we’ve been forgiven, the pain becomes less and less.

    God, in his sovereignty, puts salve on our wounds and heals them so that we can forgive our spouses because we realize the grace that has been given to us.

    3. True Love Means Repentance

    Repentance makes it easier for our spouses to forgive us, and vice versa. Simply saying sorry and asking someone to forgive, only to do the act again, is not true repentance.

    True repentance paves the way for intimacy, trust, and deeper bonds both with our spouses and with God.

    It is not easy to change old, sinful habits into new, healthier ones, but with God’s help, anything is possible. Repentance requires that we go to God to acknowledge our sins, and we humbly ask for his forgiveness.

    Once we live in the knowledge of that forgiveness, we choose to not do that behavior anymore, not only because it hurts us, but also hurts our relationships with others.

    Repentance means to do an “about face.” That means we literally turn away from our selfish acts and turn towards the demonstration of the fruit of the spirit to others.

    Repentance is a necessary component of true, agape love that we can have for our spouses.

    4. True Love Means Intimacy

    Many relationships struggle because although the physical intimacy is there, the emotional intimacy is not. Many wives can feel a part of their relationship is missing because their husbands are not emotionally available to them.

    While some men have difficulty with emotions, it is an important part of their overall well-being. It is important for men to get in touch with their emotions so that they can empathize and comfort their wives during difficult times. And it is important for wives to be there for their husbands as they go against society to learn this skill.

    When a woman’s emotional needs are met, more than likely she will reciprocate in a physical way.

    While it’s true that men and women may differ on how they feel the most loved, whether through emotional or physical intimacy, both parties need to be for each other and seek to meet each other’s needs, not their own. 

    5. True Love Means to Exhibit the Fruit of the Spirit

    When the fruits of the spirit are evident in our lives, our relationships thrive. However, when those fruits are missing, relationships get reduced to both parties trying to meet their own selfish needs.

    The fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, kindness, and self-control (Gal 5:22-23). When we seek to add these into our lives, we become better people. When we become better people, we want to be better people for our spouses whom we love the most.

    No longer are we looking for others to meet our ultimate needs, but rather we have our identity solidified in Christ. All these fruits have one thing in common: they seek to be others-centered. We can’t be selfish when we’re exhibiting these types of fruits in our lives.

    A person who wants to develop more fruit of the spirit knows that to be the best person they can be, they must have their foundational emotional needs met by God. They need to have their identity solidified in Him and understand that their worth and value were settled on the cross, not in other people’s opinions of them.

    When they can reconcile this in their minds and hearts, they will seek to be people who strive to be tangible representations of Christ.

    Love is a word that gets thrown around a lot in our society. But few of us know what true love really is.

    As Christians, we understand what true love is as we look at the witness of Christ. However, we may feel as if we fall short because we are not like Christ and won’t be in this lifetime.

    However, we can strive to emulate Christ’s example by being humble, forgiving others, repenting of our selfish behaviors, meeting others’ emotional needs and exhibiting the fruit of spirit in our lives.

    When we can do these things, we will understand what true love is. Once we understand that true love, we want to give it to others, including our spouses!

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Sam Edwards

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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    Michelle S. Lazurek

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  • CHOCOLATE GRAVY

    CHOCOLATE GRAVY

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    Chocolate Gravy is an old-fashioned recipe you will fall in love with and serve time and time again. It’s a delicious treat over biscuits, waffles, pancakes, etc. We love it over biscuits and have enjoyed it for many, many years.

    Chocolate GravyChocolate Gravy

    We love this chocolate gravy on our cathead biscuits. They have hundreds of reviews and are a very popular recipe for a reason!

    ❤️WHY WE LOVE THIS RECIPE

    This recipe was made by our Mother, and her Mother made it for her.. so it goes way back, which is one reason why we love it. Plus, it’s just delicious! I do have to laugh; every time I post this recipe on social media, someone confuses it with adding chocolate to sausage gravy. Not sure why that happens but this isn’t made with sausage gravy! This is a sweet chocolate sauce you pour over biscuits.

    🍴KEY INGREDIENTS

    • Sugar
    • Cocoa
    • All-purpose flour
    • Carnation evaporated milk
    • Cinnamon
    • Salt
    • Vanilla
    • Butter
    • Nuts (optional)

    SWAPS

    Many people don’t add cinnamon, but it is how our family has made this recipe for many years, so we always use it. You can leave it out if you like, but it adds a great flavor. Nut’s are optional too.

    🍽️HOW TO MAKE

    This is a very simple recipe to make and only takes a little time. You can throw this together quickly on a weekend morning to enjoy with your biscuits.

    COOKING STEPS

    Step 1
    In a medium saucepan, stir together sugar, cocoa, flour, and cinnamon and salt. With a wire whisk or spoon stir in milk a little at a time until ingredients are wet. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until mixture thickens. (This will burn easily so be sure to stir)

    Step 2
    Remove from heat and stir in butter and vanilla until smooth. Pour into a bowl and top with nuts if desired. Serve over warm biscuits.

    Chocolate GravyChocolate Gravy

    ⭐TIP

    Always keep stirring when making this chocolate gravy, it will burn or stick quickly. This is also wonderful on pound cake!

    HOW TO SERVE CHOCOLATE GRAVY

    • This is wonderful on biscuits, it is our favorite way to enjoy this gravy. You can make our cathead biscuits or even use canned biscuits if you are in a hurry.
    • Great over pound cake, we like to warm it up and serve it over this old fashioned recipe.
    • Make our chocolate waffles and pour this delicious chocolate gravy over it for a great chocolate treat!
    • Would be a great dipping sauce for any fruit and poured over ice cream.

    BISCUIT VARIATIONS

    If you have followed our site for any amount of time, you know we LOVE our biscuits and have 30+ biscuit recipes. You may want to check out our biscuit Ebook. Here are a few easy recipes you may love:

    ❓FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

    Why is my chocolate gravy not thick?

    You didn’t cook it long enough. You really need to cook it until it is thick, which depending on the heat you use (we suggest medium heat) will how long that will take.

    Can I make chocolate gravy in advance?

    Yes, you absolutely can and heat it up in the microwave or on a low heat when you are ready to serve it.

    STORING

    We store in the refrigerator for 3-4 days or you can freeze it for 3 months.

    Southern Shimp & Grits

    This Southern classic is always a hit and never goes out of style. Great for breakfast, brunch or dinner!

    Cathead Biscuits

    These biscuits are a classic! This recipe has over 100 comments. It’s our favorite biscuit recipe.

    SERVING SIZE

    Makes about 2.5 cups of gravy.

    Chocolate Gravy

    Anne Walkup

    This recipe of Chocolate Gravy has been around for years. It’s perfect for a sweet breakfast. Delicious over biscuits, waffles, pancakes, pound cake, ice cream, etc.

    Prep Time 5 minutes

    Cook Time 15 minutes

    Course Breakfast

    Cuisine American

    • 3/4 cup sugar
    • 3 tablespoons cocoa
    • 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
    • 1 1/2 cups carnation evaporated milk
    • 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
    • 1/4 teaspoon salt
    • 1 teaspoon vanilla
    • 2 tablespoons butter or margarine
    • Nuts optional

    • In a medium saucepan, stir together sugar, cocoa, flour, and cinnamon and salt. With a wire whisk or spoon stir in milk a little at a time until ingredients are wet.

    • Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until mixture thickens. (This will burn easily so be sure to stir). Remove from heat and stir in butter and vanilla until smooth. Pour into a bowl and top with nuts if desired. Serve over warm biscuits.

    Let us know by commenting below!

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    © The Southern Lady Cooks photos and text – All rights reserved. No copying, posting on other sites, or other uses allowed without written permission of the copyright holder.

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    Anne Walkup

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  • When God Is Your Matchmaker

    When God Is Your Matchmaker

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    My husband doesn’t think I’m pretty.

    There’s no mistake or mystery about this. He regularly publicizes his belief.

    It’s not as though I haven’t tried to dissuade him. John just doubles down, citing his education for his unwavering opinion. “I have an art degree.” 

    What am I to do?

    I’ve highlighted my height (or lack thereof). I’ve addressed the ugly—yet unyielding—growth around my girth. Unlike my cute niece, my face lacks dimples. 

    He only shakes his head. To date, he still clings to the belief that I’m not pretty. 

    That’s because he thinks I’m very pretty. 

    I’m not telling you his opinion to brag about my beauty. John is just super biased.

    Let’s just say his view and mine widely diverge. 

    The real reason I share this tidbit is to show one of the many benefits of marrying God’s pick. 

    (Not that I’m insinuating marriage should happen only because of the bride’s beauty or the groom’s broad shoulders. All things equal, however, wouldn’t you rather navigate life with a spouse enraptured, instead of unimpressed, by your looks?)

    John’s and my road to marriage held more stop signs than most. We both had to wait—and wait—before the Lord’s candidate for us materialized. We puttered around in Single Town long after fellow singletons found the elusive exit.

    But it’s precisely this background that qualifies me to issue a warning: Please don’t walk down the aisle for these wrong reasons:

    Loneliness

    Feeling lonely? A recent survey suggests you’re not alone. Around 60% of Americans feel lonely on a regular basis. 

    You might think it makes sense to cure loneliness by getting hitched. After all, people are the best antidote for loneliness. Right? 

    Nope. You can feel lonely regardless of the presence of others. This means you can feel lonely even in a marriage.

    Using marriage as an escape hatch won’t work. Nobody—including your spouse—can successfully meet all of your emotional needs, of which loneliness is one. 

    Consider a better strategy. While both married people and singles will always have a reason to keep working on themselves, it’s advantageous to work through your emotional needs while you’re still unattached. Since deep calls unto deep (Psalm 42:7), your emotional soundness will attract a partner with a similar disposition. 

    Isn’t it better for you and your betrothed to enter marriage without baggage?

    Age 

    Back in my single days—before WhatsApp exploded in fame—I once received a phone call from my mother’s uncle. The elderly relative thought the following wisdom was important enough to impart, he placed an international call regardless of the exorbitant cost. “Don’t be so career-minded that you’re neglecting marriage!”

    “Yes,” I answered. The pithy shortcut had to suffice. I wasn’t about to elaborate with “Actually, I’m staying single because I’m waiting for God’s best for me, not because I’m too wrapped up in work.”

    I’m sure you have your own war stories. From family pressures to those that arise from your ever-increasing age—which, of course, directly relates to your biological clock and the ability to bear children—it’s understandable if a prolonged state of singleness drives you desperate for marriage. 

    But getting married because of anything other than because it’s God’s will for you is bound to backfire. Even if a divorce doesn’t dash your marriage, your union may not feel fulfilling—the opposite of Jesus’ mission to bring us life more abundantly (John 10:10, MEV).

    To experience that abundant life in the context of marriage, abandon any other prospects. Ask Him to matchmake for you instead. 

    Shapes and Sex

    Should you marry someone you’re not physically attracted to? Well, no. Sexual attraction is a crucial component of marriage. 

    At the same time, neither should you marry because of physical attraction only. Whether we like it or not, “beauty is fleeting” (Proverbs 31:30).

    How fleeting?

    As flitting as a flower in bloom. “All flesh is grass, and all its loveliness is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades, when the breath of the Lord blows upon it; the people are indeed grass!” (Isaiah 40: 6-7, NASB).

    Someone who pledges to spend forever with you primarily for your looks can renege once youth and its accouterments fade. 

    Then there’s sex. Many young Christians rush to get married so as not to commit sexual sins as a single person. Given the scriptural admonition to “avoid sexual immorality” (1 Thessalonians 4:3), their intention is understandable.

    However, God’s remedy for sexual urges is not marriage. Instead, whether single or married, we are to “learn to control our own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister” (1 Thessalonians 4:4-6).

    Marriage encompasses so much more than sex. There are couples who remain married and love each other even without a vibrant sex life. Conversely, there are those who indulge in lewd sexual activities but can’t make a marriage last.

    Choosing Marriage

    Different formats exist when it comes to today’s intimate relationships. For instance, some read “don’t get married for the wrong reasons” as “don’t get married.” The increase in cohabitation rates attests to the popularity of practicing sex outside marital bonds.

    Friends with benefits adds another possibility. This arrangement happens when so-called friends agree to trade sexual favors for each other, minus any romantic entanglement.

    Some aspire to chuck monogamy altogether. Enter polyamory, a form of relationship that allows participants to conduct intimate relationships with multiple partners at once.

    If engaging in any of these acts edified us, God would’ve specified them in His Word, along with tips for best practices. The Holy Spirit would’ve inspired the Apostle Paul to craft guidelines on having holy polyamory when he penned 1 Corinthians 7, the chapter on singles and sex.

    Listen, instead, to how God elevates marriage: “Have respect for marriage. Always be faithful to your partner, because God will punish anyone who is immoral or unfaithful in marriage” (Hebrews 13:4, CEV).

    Marriage is a good thing. More importantly, it’s a God thing.

    The One who created marriage (Genesis 2:18, Matthew 19:4-6) is also able to place a yearning within us for it. Remember, the Lord delights in giving us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 20:4, Psalm 37:4-5, Psalm 145:16, Psalm 145:19, Proverbs 10:24, Mark 11:22-24).

    If you’re in the market for marriage, please trust your Maker to pick your mate. Ask God to direct your steps and sensitize your hearing. This way, “your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it,’ when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left” (Isaiah 30:21)—all the way until your path intersects that of your future spouse.

    Nobody who hopes in Him will be ashamed (Psalm 25:3)—including regarding matters of the heart.

    But if relationship issues stump you, no matter what your relationship status is, send your inquiry to my advice column. 

    I promise to seek God as I compose my response.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Maria Korneeva

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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    Dr. Audrey Davidheiser

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  • 8 Keys to a Happy, Healthy Marriage

    8 Keys to a Happy, Healthy Marriage

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    All weddings are happy. It’s living together afterward that causes all the trouble.

    Mrs. Billy Graham was asked, “Have you ever considered divorce?” “No,” she responded. “Murder many times but never divorce!”

    It sometimes feels like my marriage is this tiny outpost in the middle of enemy territory, and the enemy is shooting at us from every side! This world is not the friend of marriage. The good news is that God is the friend of marriage. Marriage is God’s plan, his idea, and his design.

    I know you are just like me. You want a great marriage, but you may feel that your marriage has endured too much pain and that there is no hope of improvement. But, no matter where you are or where you have been in your marriage, the rest of your marriage can be the best part of it.

    Dan and I have been married for 46 years. Our marriage is stronger and better than it has ever been. Let me share some of the keys to a healthy marriage God has taught us along the way.

    Key one: When the going gets tough, the tough stay right where they are!

    Ephesians 5:31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

    An essential key to a successful marriage is commitment. The Spanish explorer Cortes knew what commitment was. He insisted on it from his men when they landed in Mexico to invade the land of the Aztecs. Sensing the crew’s fear and hesitation, he gathered them all onshore and set fire to the ships. Cortez turned to his men and said, “Now, there can be no turning back.”

    That is the kind of commitment we need in our marriages. But unfortunately, we live in a world of “throw-away” marriages. If it doesn’t work, we throw the relationship away and find another, but Jesus is big on commitment. Jesus told a parable about a man who found a valuable pearl in a field. The man immediately sold everything he had to buy the field so the pearl would be his. Of course, he would be left with nothing if the pearl was worthless. But he was willing to take the risk.

    For marriage to be what God designed it to be, we must choose to be committed to our mate and our marriage. Commitment is not based on feelings. Feelings cannot build a solid marriage. Love is not the basis for marriage. Marriage is the basis for love.

    Hold on to your commitment to God. Hold on to your commitment to your marriage.

    Key two: Accept your mate and change yourself.

    Colossians 3:13-14 “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

    The marriage relationship has a specific dynamic. If one person in the relationship changes, the whole relationship changes. We keep trying to make sure that our mate is the one that changes.

    I approached marriage and my new husband like buying an old house. I couldn’t wait to see it remodeled. Wasn’t Dan fortunate to have married the Holy Spirit? I tried to change him. I just wanted Dan to be more like me! I learned that we can be different without being right or wrong!

    We need to celebrate our differences. Differences can either rip us apart or add great flavor to a relationship. Unfortunately, the things we try so hard to change are the very things that attract us to our mates in the first place.

    He used to be carefree. Now he is irresponsible.

    He used to be determined. Now he is stubborn.

    He used to be more concerned about inward qualities than outward appearances. Now he is sloppy.

    Acceptance and approval are two different things. What would happen if you unconditionally accepted your mate? What would happen if we took the energy we wasted trying to change him and used it to change our lives?

    Accept your mate. Ask the Lord what needs to be changed in your own life.

    Key three: Spend time alone with your spouse.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Image Source

    Amos 3:3 “Can two walk together except they be agreed?”

    Weeds spring up overnight, but it takes years for a mighty oak to grow. So likewise, a great marriage takes a lot of hard work and time. We have three choices about time. We can waste it, spend it, or invest it. Busyness builds a schedule but destroys the family. A crazy life schedule has always been a battle for Dan and me.

    When our children were young, we saw our marriage and children being swallowed up in a hectic schedule. We were doing wonderful things. But, unfortunately, they just weren’t the best things. So we made an important decision. We would give ourselves one year to make drastic changes or leave the ministry. We chose not to sacrifice our marriage or our children on the altar of a ministry or church.

    We began taking a day off each week. Monday is my day with Dan. We sometimes go shopping or out for lunch, where we talk – setting goals, planning, dreaming, and examining our marriage to ensure we are on solid ground.

    We began scheduling time away. Every two or three months, we make a plan to get away – alone. Then, when the pressure is off, we are different! It is one way to keep the romance alive in our marriage!

    We began setting aside time at the end of the day to talk. This time became an essential part of our daily schedule. We talked about the day and shared whatever was on our minds, creating a connection time. Doing so kept us on the same page and was a strong statement to each other and our children about the importance of our marriage.

    We learned to be part of each other’s world. I began reading the books that interested Dan. I went with him to conferences. I began to study Dan – his needs and interests, frustrations and dreams, fears and hopes. I know. We often say we don’t have the time or money, but we are saying that it is not important enough to learn how to be part of our mate’s world. But, if it is important, we will find a way to do it.

    We all exchange our lives for something. But we need to make sure that the exchange is worth it!

    Key four: Guard your mind.

    Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatsoever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.”

    Don’t allow anything or anyone into your life that will undermine your marriage.

    -movies

    -soap operas

    -romance novels

    -discontented friends

    When we invite these things into our life, we are setting our marriage up for failure. In the early years of our marriage, I was addicted to soap operas. I told the woman on television to leave her rotten husband and run off with the handsome man. Needs improvement!

    For the sake of our marriage, we must guard our minds.

    Key five: Learn to fight fair.

    Ephesians 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what helps build others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

    Wow! That’s a tall order, isn’t it? But God never asks us to do anything that he will not empower us to do. For much of our marriage, I have tended to shove my anger down until some final straw makes me both hysterical and historical. Not anymore. Here are some tips that have helped me learn to fight fair.

    -Pray. Bathe your conversation in prayer and ask God to give you the right words to say

     when you need to have a challenging conversation with your mate.

    -Pick a time and place that is good for him. That means picking a time and place to give your conversation the best chance of succeeding.

    -Begin and end with affirmation.

    -Be willing to accept blame.

    -Express hurt – not hostility.

    -Stick to the subject at hand. Don’t drag up every hurt from the past that you have buried.

    -Avoid using the words “never” and “always.”

    -Be solution centered.

    -Understand that restoration – not winning – is the goal.

    -Get outside help if you need it. That may be a mature Christian couple or a professional.

    A marriage is only as good as the communication between husband and wife – especially when fighting fair.

    Related: Learn to Fight Fair in Marriage

    Key six: Discover your mate’s language of love!

    Happy couple in kitchen

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/YakobchukOlena

    Isaiah 35:3-4 “Encourage the exhausted, strengthen the weak, say to those with an anxious heart ‘Take courage, fear not!’”

    Every husband and wife has different ways of giving and receiving love.

    Touch

    Verbal

    Service

    Gifts

    Time

    My dad died when I was four years old. My mom showed her love for me by serving. So I grew up believing love is demonstrated by cleaning the house, buying groceries, doing the laundry, or cooking meals.

    Doing these things for Dan showed him that I loved him – right? The only problem was that I needed to use the correct language. His language is touching and telling.

    But since I had been molested as a child, I had trouble with communication and intimacy. So we had problems. When Dan hugged me and told me he loved me, I always thought he wanted sex. If he really loved me, he would clean the garage.

    It is like going to a foreign land and insisting that the people there speak my language. It won’t work.

    Learn your husband’s language of love and become fluent in it!

    Key seven: Become your partner’s strongest fan.

    Hebrews 3:13 “Encourage one another daily.”

    Every man should be able to trust his wife and what she says about him, and every wife should be able to trust what her husband says about her.

    We should count on each other to be a cheerleader!

    Don’t criticize your mate to your friends or family members. You will get to the place of forgiveness, but your family and friends may not. And don’t criticize your mate to your children. I know that is hard. But it is right.

    Make a list of your mate’s good points and then broadcast them!

    Psalm 141:3 “Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord. Keep watch over the door of my lips.”

    I once read, “Dear Lord, help me to bridle my tongue so that on judgment day, I will not be guilty of assault with a deadly weapon!”

    Don’t be a dream-buster. Be a dream-sharer. Ladies, if your husband is leading you in what you feel is the wrong direction, your choices are:

    -To leave him.

    -To stay and make life miserable for everyone.

    -To say to him,” I am committed to you. I disagree with you, but I am with you!”

    Then turn your dream and him over to God, who can bring the two together in a fantastic way.

    Key eight: Laugh a lot.

    Proverbs 17:22 “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”

    We must not get so serious about life that we lose our joy. We must always remember what it means to laugh, play, and feel like a child again.

    The best marriages take a lot of work, but we need to balance that work with fun. The more challenging the marriage, the more important it is to have fun. Laughter brings healing. Humor can be a bridge over frustrating circumstances.

    God wants our homes to be living illustrations of him! God wants marriage to demonstrate His love.

    What choice or commitment do you need to make in your marriage? He stands ready to empower that commitment. God wants your marriage to succeed, and he wants you to find joy in your marriage. So make that commitment today, and then trust him to do it.

    Related Resource: Check Out Our FREE Marriage Podcast!

    Listen to our new, podcast on marriage: Team Us. The best marriages have a teamwork mentality. Find practical, realistic ideas for strengthening your marriage. Listen to an episode here, and then head over to LifeAudio.com to check out all of our episodes:

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/XiXinXing

    Mary Southerland is also the Co-founder of Girlfriends in God, a conference and devotion ministry for women. Mary’s books include, Hope in the Midst of Depression, Sandpaper People, Escaping the Stress Trap, Experiencing God’s Power in Your Ministry, 10-Day Trust Adventure, You Make Me So Angry, How to Study the Bible, Fit for Life, Joy for the Journey, and Life Is So Daily. Mary relishes her ministry as a wife, a mother to their two children, Jered and Danna, and Mimi to her six grandchildren – Jaydan, Lelia, Justus, Hudson, Mo, and Nori.



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    Mary Southerland

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  • Quinces: Recipes for Baked Quinces and a Quince Sambal

    Quinces: Recipes for Baked Quinces and a Quince Sambal

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    Unloved and perhaps perceived as unlovely, quinces are a curiosity for many cooks who did not grow up with the fragrant fruit. Like apples, they ripen in fall, and come to market at the same time. Unlike apples, they remain an enigma. Chefs might pounce on them, and anyone with quince-eating cultural roots will scoop them up with delight. Owls and pussy cats like them (eaten with a “runcible” spoon). But often, quinces sold in the US languish. Pick up a fruit, and breathe it in. It is intoxicatingly aromatic, and its floral scent translates into flavor when it is cooked. Raw, quinces can be eaten as a lightly spiced sambal.

    You’ll find the recipes below.

    Photography by Marie Viljoen.

    Above: Pale yellow or light green, quinces resemble bumpy apples, and are sometimes covered in soft fuzz.

    Uncooked, quinces are dense and difficult to slice, and their flavor is astringent. Salting the raw, grated fruit tames its tannins, while cooking makes quinces versatile enough to be eaten as a dessert, a preserve, a jelly (like membrillo), or as a savory addition to North African tagines and other meaty dishes. Cooked quinces’ flavor is gently apple-like, and their scent somehow conveyed in each bite.

    Above: Local quinces are sold from fall through late winter.

    Originating somewhere around Western Asia and the Caucasus, quinces have been cultivated for millennia around the Mediterranean and in the Middle East. Turkey produces the most quinces for export. The fruit I encounter at greenmarkets in New York City are grown in the Hudson Valley, in USDA hardiness zone 6a. Quince trees are hardy down to Zone 5 and have significant cold-tolerance. While the fruit requires summer rainfall, the humid, tropical summers of the Northeast are not ideal. Humidity encourages fungal infections, and cold winters might also see damage to the tree’s early, beautiful blossoms. Cedar apple rust, hosted by Juniperus virginiania (eastern red cedar), and blight are potential issues on this coast. The quince’s happiest place is anywhere with long, hot, dry summers.

    Above: A raw quince sambal.

    My own quince background belongs to South Africa, where the fruit is associated with the dusty roads of farms in the Karoo and Overberg regions, and where they hang like fat, pale moons on branches bent low by their weight in late summer.

    The way quinces are prepared in South Africa is influenced by Cape Malay traditions, centered around Cape Town. This cooking-style is a blend of Dutch colonial cooking and Afro-Asian influences brought to the Dutch colony by enslaved people and political exiles from the East Indies (present-day Indonesia), Southeast Asia, and Madagascar in the 17th and 18th centuries. Quinces in South Africa are typically eaten as a fruit leather, a sweet preserve served in its pink syrup, in a savory bredie (a slow-cooked mutton stew featuring a single, seasonal vegetable), or a sambal (a refreshingly spicy fruit or vegetable condiment).

    Above: Quinces at the Union Square Greenmarket in Manhattan in January.

    When I find quinces (usually grown by Locust Grove Farms, New York), from fall though winter at greenmarkets, I do two things: Bake them for dessert, with fresh, home-grown bay leaves and foraged juniper, or with fir sugar; and grate up a spicy sambal, whose recipe comes from a cookbook that is also a piece of Africana: Hilda Gerber’s Traditional Cookery of the Cape Malays. It is essentially a transcribed, invaluable oral history, published posthumously from a manuscript Gerber completed in 1949, which was found in her belongings after she died in 1954.

    Above: New York quinces atop South African food traditions.



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  • CHOCOLATE WAFFLES

    CHOCOLATE WAFFLES

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    These Chocolate Waffles are more like a dessert; they are wonderful for a special occasion, like a birthday, Valentine’s Day, or Christmas morning!

    Chocolate Waffles Chocolate Waffles

    If you are a fan of desserts for breakfast you may want to check out this Cinnamon Roll Peach Cobbler. It’s the perfect way to start the day and you can easily have it as a dessert too!

    ❤️WHY WE LOVE THIS RECIPE

    If you have followed our site for any amount of time you know we LOVE our sweets. Most of our popular recipes are desserts, so this one fits right in. We love chocolate and these waffles are really easy to make and a fantastic way to start the day. You can easily leave the ice cream off and just enjoy a delicious waffle.

    🍴KEY INGREDIENTS

    • All-purpose flour
    • Sugar
    • Cocoa
    • Baking powder
    • Salt
    • Baking soda
    • Eggs
    • Butter 
    • Vanilla flavoring
    • Buttermilk
    • Chocolate chips
    • Walnut pieces
    • Spray for waffle iron

    SWAPS

    You can switch out the walnuts for pecans or leave out the nuts. You can also use a different extract/flavoring. You could also use dark chocolate chips.

    🍽️HOW TO MAKE

    These chocolate waffles are easy to make and delicious!

    COOKING STEPS

    Step 1
    Mix together flour, sugar, melted butter, cocoa, eggs, vanilla, buttermilk, salt, soda and baking power with a spoon in a large bowl. Fold in chocolate chips and nuts.  

    Step 2
    Preheat waffle iron and spray with cooking spray. Cook as usual or by directions for your waffle iron.  I use a 1/4 cup measuring cup of batter for each waffle.  Makes 10 to 12 waffles. Top with your favorite toppings.

    Chocolate Waffles Chocolate Waffles

    ⭐TIP

    If you want a really crisp waffle, place cooked waffles directly on an oven rack with temperature at 200 degrees for five minutes.  Do not stack on top of each other. You can crisp your waffles and keep them warm while making more in the waffle maker.

    RECIPE VARIATIONS

    We love breakfast and have many great recipes. These are a few of our favorites waffle and pancake recipes.

    SERVE THIS WITH

    As you can see from the photos, we topped these waffles with ice cream, chocolate syrup, whipped cream and a cherry. We made these like a big sundae and they were delicious. You can easily use butter and syrup, chocolate syrup, whatever you desire!

    ❓FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

    Can I put these chocolate waffles in the toaster?

    Yes, if you freeze them, you can easily reheat them in the toaster.

    What are some other great toppings?

    Raspberries or strawberries go great on chocolate waffles.

    STORING AND REHEATING

    You can freeze these and reheat in a toaster or the oven.

    Southern Shimp & Grits

    This Southern classic is always a hit and never goes out of style. Great for breakfast, brunch or dinner!

    Cathead Biscuits

    These biscuits are a classic! This recipe has over 100 comments. It’s our favorite biscuit recipe.

    SERVING SIZE

    This recipe makes 12 waffles, so if everyone has 3 that is 4 servings.

    Chocolate Waffles

    Anne Walkup

    These Chocolate Waffles are a wonderful way to start the day. We love to make them like dessert and add ice cream, whipped cream, etc. They are delicious with strawberries and chocolare syrup.

    Prep Time 15 minutes

    Cook Time 20 minutes

    Total Time 35 minutes

    Course Breakfast

    Cuisine American

    • 1 cup all-purpose flour
    • 1/4 cup sugar
    • 1/3 cup cocoa
    • 1 teaspoon baking powder
    • 1/2 teaspoon salt
    • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
    • 2 eggs
    • 3 tablespoons butter or margarine melted
    • 2 teaspoons vanilla flavoring
    • 1 1/2 cups buttermilk
    • 1/2 cup chocolate chips
    • 2/3 cup walnut pieces

    • Spray for waffle iron Mix together flour, sugar, melted butter, cocoa, eggs, vanilla, buttermilk, salt, soda and baking power with a spoon in a large bowl. Fold in chocolate chips and nuts.

    • Preheat waffle iron and spray with cooking spray. Cook as usual or by directions for your waffle iron.  I use a 1/4 cup measuring cup of batter for each waffle.  Makes 10 to 12 waffles.

    I freeze these and reheat by putting in toaster.
    We also add ice cream, whipped cream, chocolate syrup and a cherry and enjoy them on special holidays. 

    Keyword Chocolate Waffles

    Let us know by commenting below!

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    © The Southern Lady Cooks photos and text – All rights reserved. No copying, posting on other sites, or other uses allowed without written permission of the copyright holder.


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    Anne Walkup

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  • 2 INGREDIENT FUDGE

    2 INGREDIENT FUDGE

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    This Butterscotch Fudge is only two simple ingredients and is always a hit. Super versatile and one your family will love!

    2 ingredient Fudge2 ingredient Fudge

    If you love fudge like we do, you will want to try this Five Minute Fudge! It’s such a wonderful recipe and always a hit, especially during the holidays.

    ❤️WHY WE LOVE THIS RECIPE

    We love the simplicity of this recipe, it’s only 2 simple ingredients and you can throw it together quickly. It’s also great for any occasion and super versatile. You can make different version of this fudge very easily since it just made with chips.

    🍴KEY INGREDIENTS

    • Butterscotch Chips
    • Sweetened Condensed Milk

    SWAPS

    You can switch out the chips in this recipe to chocolate, peanut butter, white, dark chocolate, or whatever chips you like. We have made it with peanut butter chips here.

    🍽️HOW TO MAKE

    The hardest part of this recipe, is patiently waiting for the fudge to set in the fridge.

    COOKING STEPS

    Step 1
    Combine the two ingredients in a pot on top of the stove and put heat on low.  Let chips and milk melt until when stirred it is smooth.  I don’t bring this to a boil.

    Step 2
    Line an 8 x 8 baking dish with parchment paper. I spray the paper with cooking spray.  Spread the mixture in the pan and let it set up for about an hour or so.

    ⭐TIP

    You can refrigerate but there is no need and we think the fudge is better not refrigerated. Once the fudge begins to set up, cut into pieces with a knife. 

    RECIPE VARIATIONS

    We love fudge, and we have quite a few recipes! These are some of our favorites!

    2 ingredient Fudge2 ingredient Fudge

    ❓FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

    Can I use nuts in this recipe?

    Of course, just fold them in before you pour the fudge into the pan!

    Could I combine 2 chip flavors? Maybe make peanut butter and chocolate?

    I haven’t tried it but see no reason why you couldn’t.

    STORING

    You can store in the refrigerator or an airtight container.

    Toasted Pecan Pie

    This is a great twist on a classic! If you love pecans and coconut this is a winner!

    Atlantic Beach Pie

    This is a very unique pie that is delicious! Lemon and Lime and so good!

    SERVING SIZE

    Depending on the size you cut the pieces is depending on how many servings.

    2 Ingredient Fudge

    Anne Walkup

    This 2 Ingredient Fudge is so easy to make and super versatile! This recipe is made with butterscotch chips for butterscotch fudge.

    Prep Time 10 minutes

    Cook Time 10 minutes

    2 hours

    Total Time 2 hours 20 minutes

    Course Dessert

    Cuisine American

    • 3 cups butterscotch chips or your favorite chips
    • 1 14 ounce can sweetened condensed milk

    • Combine the two ingredients in a pot on top of the stove and put heat on low. Let chips and milk melt until when stirred it is smooth. I don’t bring this to a boil.

    • Line an 8 x 8 baking dish with parchment paper. I spray the paper with cooking spray. Spread the mixture in the pan and let it set up for about an hour or so.

    • You can refrigerate but there is no need and we think the fudge is better not refrigerated. Once fudge begins to set up, cut into pieces with a knife. Makes 12 to 15 pieces.

    Keyword 2 Ingredient Fudge

    Let us know by commenting below!

    Follow us on Pinterest!

    Are you reading our magazine?

    Join 1000’s of others and start a subscription today. Full of new recipes, inspiring stories, country living, and much more.

    © The Southern Lady Cooks photos and text – All rights reserved. No copying, posting on other sites, or other uses allowed without written permission of the copyright holder.


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    Anne Walkup

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  • Can Christians Attend a Same-Sex Couple’s Baby Shower?

    Can Christians Attend a Same-Sex Couple’s Baby Shower?

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    As same-sex marriage has become more prolific and socially acceptable, there is a growing number of same-sex parents. Personally, I’ve interacted with same-sex foster parents who also attend the same church as I do. My son’s friend on his soccer team has two very kind moms. I have neighbors who are same-sex parents to children in my community. We can no longer assume that just because a child is involved, both a man and a woman are in the picture when it comes to parenting. 

    As our society continues changing the rules around what constitutes a family, we must carefully consider how we should respond as believers. We know that God’s Word clearly states that God’s best for marriage and family is for one man and woman to come together. Yet, hard black-and-white lines don’t work when talking about people you love. Additionally, their child has no say in the family they are brought into, and surely they need all the love they can get as everyone needs a strong village in order to parent well. 

    How do we hold onto the truth of God’s Word while also being agents of God’s light and love? 

    It’s not easy, that’s for sure! 

    The Church Is Struggling 

    Right now, the Church is struggling along with many believers with how to navigate the great changes we see in our culture when it comes to sexuality, gender identity, marriage, and more! So much of the Church has swung to one extreme or the next on this issue. We are witnessing a large part of the Church making a choice to let go of a historically consistent view of Christian marriage and begin to believe in a boundaryless love. 

    This goes against all that God teaches in the Bible. God’s love is full of boundaries. Obedience is a part of the Christian life because we are broken creatures following a holy God. We need his guidance in order to live our best lives. God gives clear guidance on a myriad of issues, not just sexuality, because God is personally invested in our well-being. Him loving us looks like him gently leading us towards his truth, righteousness, and holiness. 

    Other parts of the church have embraced harsh and hurtful language around this issue. Their lack of understanding and compassion has left many who struggle with same-sex attraction or their gender identity hurt and alone. They forget that God has and can use all manner of broken and sinful people. He is the ultimate judge of our souls, not us! We can trust God to lead his people to repentance and freedom in his own time and way.

    Wisdom Is Needed in Every Situation 

    As a culture and as the Church, we’ve lost the ability to see the nuances of how God loves each of us, even though none of us can live up to the full standard of his holiness. Our tendency in today’s ‘cancel culture’ is to draw battle lines around things that appear wrong or we don’t understand. 

    Jesus shows us a radical alternative way of navigating our sin. 

    He asks who is sinless among us. Only they have the ability to justly throw stones! (John 8:7-11) Then Jesus, the only one with the right to judge us, goes to the person stuck in sin and gives them the chance to follow him. They have the chance to leave their life of sin and pain!

    It’s our job to be Jesus to our lost friends. To encourage those who know God but continue to struggle with sin. We need to remain faithful to the standards God gives us for living in the Bible. We must also ask God to help show us how to love well. When sin exists, wisdom is necessary in each and every situation. We need God to show us how to walk alongside others that we love prayerfully, sharing truth with them in a loving way. Thankfully, James 1:5 tells us that anytime we need wisdom, God gives it. 

    There are a few things we can consider as we seek wisdom on how to approach this kind of situation: 

    -If the couple are unbelievers, they are not held to the same standard of the Bible, so extra grace should be dispensed. 

    -Will declining to attend harm the relationship with this family? 

    -Will this declining detract from your ability to show them God’s love? 

    -Is there another way to show the child-to-be love without participating in the baby shower? 

    -What is God saying to you about this situation and how to navigate it well? 

    -Does this couple have enough of a relationship with you to know that you believe in a historically consistent biblical view of marriage and sexuality? Will attending communicate that you have abdicated your convictions or show them that you can love them this way because Jesus always loves them? 

    Thinking through these factors can help you to determine how to balance grace and truth in this situation. Sadly, there is no one-fits-all answer to these questions. We need God’s leading Spirit to help us know what he is calling us to do in our relationships. 

    Baby Showers Differ From Weddings 

    A baby shower is different from a wedding in that every child is a gift from God. This sort of celebration is designed to joyfully support the arrival of a new person whom God has a special plan for. While we may understand that same-sex relationships are not God’s best, we are called to nurture and love every child. Even if we do not feel called to participate in the baby shower, we should find a way to love this family and their child. 

    When the couple that fosters in my community had their first placement, I brought them bags of things to help them care for their kids. I delivered a gift card for dinner and wrote notes of encouragement for them and the children in their care. This wasn’t a baby shower, but it was a way to say you are not alone in this job of loving a child. Caring for kids is hard work, no matter what your family looks like. When we don’t walk alongside other families, kids are the ones who suffer the consequences.

    Related:

    8 Things You Should Know about Gay Marriage

    Should You Attend a Gay Wedding?

    How Should I Respond to My Homosexual Friends and Family?

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Anchily

    Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. She has most recently published a devotional, Comfort: A 30 Day Devotional Exploring God’s Heart of Love for Mommas. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.



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    Amanda Idleman

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  • What Does Paul Have to Say about Singleness in the New Testament?

    What Does Paul Have to Say about Singleness in the New Testament?

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    If you have read the New Testament, you are probably familiar with one of its major contributors, an Apostle named Paul. He was highly educated, knew many languages and cultures, and forged his way to the heights of the religious society of his day. Then the Lord stopped him in the middle of the road and changed his life completely. The Lord raised Paul up as a leader in the early Church and, through the Holy Spirit, gave him wisdom beyond his years, his education, and even his personal experience. God used Paul to speak about many things to many different audiences.

    Throughout the New Testament books that Paul wrote, he spends a lot of time addressing the relationships that fill our life. In some relationships, he had first-hand experience with which to give advice or caution, while in others, he relied on practical, God-given principles as he taught within the communities he was sent to reach.

    Singleness was a topic with which he was intimately acquainted, as there are no indications anywhere in Scripture that he ever married. As we look at 1 Corinthians 7, we get a front-row seat as he speaks passionately about the single life and makes statements that still seem surprising hundreds of years after they were inspired and written.

    After an introduction to the principles of marriage in I Corinthians 7, Paul makes his first “surprising” statement about singleness in verse 7: “I wish that all were as I myself am” (ESV). He repeats himself in verse 8 and expands his scope to include those who are single again after being widowed. “It is good for them to remain single.” From the context of the writing, we learn two things about this statement. First, he is not writing this as a command from God that ALL remain unmarried as he is, but simply observing that if it were possible, then life would be less complicated in many ways. Secondly, we see that he is declaring the single life as a gift God gave in the same way as marriage.

    Paul picks up again toward the end of the chapter and makes his second “surprising” statement in verse 38: “So then he who marries his betrothed does well, but he who refrains from marriage will do even better.” In the verses just before, Paul spends time explaining precisely what he does and does not mean when he says this. Again, he reminds us that he is in no way saying no one should get married, nor is he advocating that anyone who is married already should leave that marriage. He reminds us all, married and single that living the life God has called us to is always the best life. Here, he spends some time explaining WHY he believes the single life is “even better” …it affords the opportunity for an undivided devotion to living a life on mission and pleasing the Lord.

    When you read the passage as a whole, Paul seems to be writing about the goodness of the single life and then doubling back to make sure no one misunderstands him to say that marriage is in any way an inferior status. Still, much of the time when this passage is taught in our churches today, this theme does not seem to shine through. Usually, about as much time is given to expound on the “betterness” of the single life as the verses about bondservants. Is this ignored or added as merely a footnote on purpose? I don’t think so, but it needs to start becoming part of a more extensive conversation moving forward for both single and married believers.

    If you are like me, and singleness has become more of a significant theme in your life than you ever imagined, then you have probably read these verses many times and thought to yourself (or maybe even dared to say out loud), ” Okay, Paul, I hear you but what does this really mean?”.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Jonathan Erasmus

    1. It reminds us that we are made for more than NOW. We are human; we are born with the limitations that come with being finite beings. Our human needs sometimes scream so loudly that if we are not careful, they can drown out the voice of the eternal spirit living inside us. Paul is seeking to remind us that what we see around us now is not what we should be living for or looking to fulfill us. If you are married and have children, the needs and the loudness of NOW can become exponentially more, and finding the time to focus on the eternal takes more effort. It is simple math.

    While being single is not a guarantee that one will live a more wholly devoted life for God, I believe it does come with a call to strive to do so. Jesus Himself modeled the single, focused, missional life. Are we living our single life on purpose? Or are we merely enduring the days until God may change our marital status? Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians should challenge us to embrace this life God has called us to, whether we are single for the rest of our life or just this current season.

    2. It is a call to the Church to embrace and even affirm singleness the same way God does. If we could look through Paul’s eyes, I believe we would see a vision for the Church today regarding singleness that looks very different than the present reality. I believe he envisioned a place where “Singles Ministry” was at the heart of the Church. A place leaders flow out of to minister to the whole body rather than an endless “purgatory” for the unmarried that follows youth and college ministry.

    Unfortunately, in many of our churches, it is assumed that marriage is a gift God wants to bring to everyone, and the fulfilling, purpose-driven call of singleness is not taught until much later in life and to a much smaller audience. Leaders, teachers, missionaries, and single counselors are often encouraged to find a spouse to enhance their ministry or broaden the scope of their giftings. If this is also God’s calling on their life, then they should do so, but as Paul has admonished, if this is not, then they should be encouraged to “remain as they are.”

    What if, instead, churches could find a way to teach about the devoted single life with the same excitement and purpose they teach about the importance of marriage and families?

    If you are single today, then please know that singleness is many things, but an “inferior state to be avoided at all costs” is not one of them. Living life as a party of one has its challenges, and sometimes it is easy to crave the noise of now rather than work to see the gift buried deep down under the surface. I pray that these surprising words from Paul will sink in and take root as you strive to live your life with a more focused purpose on what God is calling you to. I pray God will quiet the noise of unmet expectations and raise a community around you to encourage and challenge you in the year ahead.

    If you are a church leader, I pray God gives you the courage to encourage singleness with the same passion as the Apostle Paul. I pray you will seek ways to raise up single leaders within your fellowship and that God would bless your whole community through this effort.

    If you are a parent, please know that your son or daughter may do everything in their power to find a spouse and have their own family, but there is a very real possibility that God may call them to live through extended periods of singleness as an adult. My prayer is that you won’t fear this for your child but will raise them to know the gift it can be. I pray you will invite single people to be a part of your life and community and that God will bring them Godly examples to follow.

    Singleness can be a gift both to the single person and those in community with them.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/PIKSEL

    Stephanie M. Kozick has lived and worked in Europe since 2008. She spent her first nine years abroad working with various ministries in Dublin, Ireland. For the past five years, she has served outside Athens, Greece with both ministry to nationals and the refugee population. Currently, she enjoys teaching English, connecting internationals with ministry opportunities, and learning to cook foods inspired by all the people groups who cross her path!



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    Stephanie M. Kozick

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  • Why Doesn’t God Want Couples Living Together Before Marriage?

    Why Doesn’t God Want Couples Living Together Before Marriage?

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    In today’s world, there seem to be so many rules about love, dating, and marriage. Who to date. How to date. What to do to get engaged. How to stay married. With so many varying opinions about how our love lives should be, it can be difficult to decipher what to do or how to navigate successfully through relationships. For a Christian, one would think it is easy to maneuver through these rules because our guidance for living is the Bible. However, many Christians often struggle with how to live in an upright manner that pleases God. There are questions many desire to ask, and sometimes, their interpretation of Scripture can be misunderstood or taught from an opinion that seems biblically based. 

    Espoused or dating couples face many challenges and must make several decisions that can affect their relationship and challenge their morals. Where do they go for dates, what are their thoughts on premarital sex, and how long should they date or remain engaged are some of the decisions they face and often struggle with. Another decision unmarried Christian couples often face is whether or not they should live together before marriage. Many people believe there are several valid reasons to do so. For instance, you learn each other’s habits, you can discover each other’s true expectations for marriage, and it can help in deciding whether or not couples want to go through with marriage. While these are all things people need to know, for the soon-to-be-married or marriage-hopeful Christian, they may not be reason enough to take the plunge into living together before they say I do. For believers, God not wanting couples living together before marriage often plagues their thoughts, especially when there is no specific Scripture that states couples cannot live together without the benefit of marriage. If you’re wondering why, take a look at the reasons listed below.

    1. Sexual temptation.

    Being in close quarters with the one you love, the one you desire, and the person you are physically attracted to can and will tempt anyone to engage in sexual activities. The Bible provides clear instructions on maintaining sexual morality for all believers, whether they are single, engaged, or married. If you are thinking about cohabitation before saying I do, then you and your fiance need to think about how you will avoid engaging in premarital sex. Will you sleep in separate bedrooms? Will you set boundaries for each other when it comes to sexual temptation? If you succumb to your sexual desires, is there a plan of repentance in place? If you are planning to cohabitate with your partner before marriage, you must acknowledge what God says about fornication and decide how you will handle the temptations together. Again, while there is no specific scripture in the Bible that states couples should not live together before marriage, this is one reason why many believers are taught that they should not do so.

    2. It can mock marriage.

    Living together before marriage mocks the covenant of marriage because couples tend to make decisions together and take care of household finances and other responsibilities that can come with marriage. Marriage is a sacred commitment to God and the people He brings together. The responsibilities that accompany it should not be taken lightly before a solid commitment is made. While the rationale to dwell together before saying I do is for people to learn more about each other, it still mocks the union that God ordained.

    Photo credit: GettyImages/bernardbodo

    3. It takes away the value of commitment.

    Couples cohabitate together for many reasons—personal, financial, or convenience. While couples have their reasons for living together before marriage, many believe that doing so before marriage takes away the value of commitment. People can become content in their arrangement and may not feel the need to take the next step of marriage. This is not the case for all, but in many cases, couples who live together may not see the need for marriage, and for the Christian believer this dishonors God. The commitment of marriage is the standard God has set for believers. If you and your partner strive to live a life that pleases God, you may want to reconsider cohabitation before marriage. Knowing and understanding what commitment means to you and your future spouse is important. Both people need to be clear on what to expect and what level of commitment they are willing to show each other.

    4. It may be harder to leave a relationship after cohabitation.

    It’s been theorized that it may be harder to end a relationship once two people live together. Many couples have various reasons for living together before marriage, but one reason is to see if they are genuinely compatible with each other and if they can, in fact, peacefully live with each other. If people who live together discover, sooner or later, that they are not meant for each other, how do they successfully move forward with their lives individually? After sharing space, you become accustomed to seeing your partner daily; in a sense, they have become part of your routine. While establishing a new routine can be done, it can be challenging from an emotional point of view. It can also be difficult if one person does not have a stable means of income or a place to call their own in the event of a transition. No one wants someone they love to struggle, so depending on how things end, one partner may harbor feelings of guilt for wanting to leave the relationship.

    Cohabitating with someone is an important decision for people to make. Some may consider it the big step before the bigger step of marriage. While people have their reasons for doing so, this should not be judged. There are so many things to consider, and you want to be sure your reasons are valid. For the believer, if you are thinking about this, seek counseling from married couples or a premarital counselor who has the same values and beliefs as you for guidance. Also, it’s important to discuss finances, expectations for the future, responsibilities, and other goals for the future for both of you.

    The world and the world of believers have morals, values, and rules they live by for different reasons. It’s vital to be clear on how you want to live your life and how you want your relationships to go. Many people choose to cohabitate before marriage; others do not. As you continue your journey with God, your singleness, or your partner, I pray that you ask God for guidance on how He wants your life and all your relationships to go. Always be mindful, prayerful, and careful with the decisions you make in your relationships. Do what honors God and what’s best for both of you to live in harmony.

    Photo credit: © Getty Images/jacoblund

    Crosswalk Contributor Liz LampkinAuthor Liz Lampkin is an experienced writer, teacher, and speaker. She is an advocate for singles who encourages them to live their best life God’s way. Follow her on Instagram @Liz_Lampkin.



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    Liz Lampkin

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