For those lucky ducks reading this who have a full set of hair, enjoy it. For the guys reading who are losing the battle — take the plunge. I’ll tell you this: going bald is devastating, but being bald is awesome.
Shave it off. My buddy Mutt once said, “Going bald sucks, being bald is a choice,” or something like that. It made sense at the time.
And I can’t explain it better than this: some dudes are way more bald than other bald dudes.
I have a friend named Corey, and he’s balder than me. But neither of us has hair. It’s just when he takes his hat off, his bald head is more shocking than mine.
Like: Jason Statham is more bald than The Rock… I can’t explain it better than that.
So, with that in mind, here is my ranking of the absolute baldest bald dudes.
If you’ve logged onto Netflix at all recently, you’ve probably seen at least a few real estate shows pop up on your recommended list, with titles evoking the glamor and fame that one presumably achieves with a clientele predominated by plastic surgeons. From Paris to Tampa to Beverly Hills, these glossy reality series bring the best of unscripted television tropes to the world of luxury home sales, with agents whose egos are even bigger than their properties’ primary suites. Between the OG that started it all, Selling Sunset, and new additions like Owning Manhattan, we’re slowly witnessing the growth of a thrilling new subgenre I’ll tentatively brand “Real(i)ty TV.”
While the glitz and glam of the houses on display are essential to the shows’ appeal, that’s not what these programs are really about. If it’s pure real estate porn you’re after, you can head to ol’ reliable HGTV and stuff yourself with episodes of House Hunters and its exponential offspring. Netflix’s beloved real(i)ty shows, on the other hand, are for those of us who want drama—who thrive off the chaos of ambitious, plasticky people crying in Teslas and boasting about commission rates in home movie theaters.
Thus, it feels only right to analyze these shows (for brevity’s sake, only the tip of a steadily growing iceberg) by ranking their dramatic value. Never mind the properties’ cost, square footage, or resale value; the more important criteria here are things that numbers cannot express, such as vanity, envy, horniness, and hot tub make-outs. Let us dive into the world of real(i)ty TV not with housing at the forefront, but with all the shady stuff that goes down when listing agents are at play.
5. Buying London
Meet Daniel Daggers: a bespectacled British man who, first and foremost, earnestly calls himself “Mr. Super Prime” and, secondly, heads the luxury London property group DDRE Global. Daggers considers himself the great disruptor of London’s real estate market, mainly because he’s shaped his team of international agents into savvy lifestyle influencers and he spends his free time ramming into desks around his office as he tours homes via a VR headset. While Buying London ranks undeniably high on the Posh British Accent-ometer and features a truly smashing soundtrack of generic British girl pop, it is unfortunately lacking in the juicy drama we’ve come to expect from other British reality hits like Love Island.
There’s no shortage of charming moments: Agent Oli Hamilton (who looks like a yassified version of Severus Snape) flexes his unmatched pinstripe suit collection, and the team embarks on a group meditation session followed by gourmet smoothies. But the show simply doesn’t have enough petty plotlines to fill its seven-episode season, which means that, instead, we get a montage of Oli receiving a “total style makeover” (wearing a beanie) and scenes of Daniel’s parents insisting he find a wife before they die. I agree with Daniel’s mother that “it’s a pity” he isn’t pursuing love—not because I necessarily care about whether he finds a Mrs. Super Prime, but because watching men with big egos and deeply unbuttoned shirts bumble through dates is one of life’s great pleasures.
The one semi-dramatic plotline on Buying London is Oli’s flirtationship with DDRE’s Swedish interior designer, Juliana Ardenius (who just happens to be a former model and Miss Teen Universe contestant). Their chemistry is … not exactly electric but, nevertheless, palpable enough to arouse the suspicions of Oli’s non-model/non–Miss Teen Universe wife, Avia, who later confronts Juliana over drinks. But even this minor tiff ends up resolved at a later company party, when Juliana tells Avia she “would never go for Oli in a million years,” and they toast to “a fresh start.” (Pour one out for Oli, who definitely got a self-confidence boost from being the kingpin of a half-baked love triangle.)
4. Owning Manhattan
Ryan Serhant, founder of the self-titled real estate brokerage SERHANT., claims to have done over $8 billion in property sales. He also wrote a book called Big Money Energy, and—as he refuses to let anyone forget—is a cool 6-foot-3. (His favorite pastime is standing in property photos to demonstrate a condo’s very high ceilings.) Ryan’s all-star team of agents sells properties across Manhattan and some of the bougier areas of Brooklyn, giving us viewers a much-needed reminder that Williamsburg hasn’t been “gritty” for a good 20 years. The show is ripe with other endearing (annoying) New York-y things, such as agent Chloe Tucker Caine being a former Broadway star (and, thus, the person who assesses the vocal acoustics of newly listed penthouses) and agents patiently explaining to old-school Manhattanites what influencers are.
There’s nothing too juicy going down at SERHANT., with the lack of workplace romance proving especially upsetting considering everyone looks like a grown-up Gossip Girl character. As with any good New York story, we see the agents hustle for power and status, with a refreshingly innocent subplot following Southern belle agent Savannah Gowarty’s transition to life in “the big city.” Meanwhile, the firm’s Brooklyn expert, Tricia Lee, must fight to have her voice heard among the big bad Manhattan agents, including Nile Lundgren (whose bald head–singular hoop earring combo tells us everything we need to know about him).
The real standout of Owning Manhattan, however, is Jonathan Normolle, a Danish nightlife junkie who believes that having neck tattoos makes him “the next generation” of real estate. He’s like a Jersey Shore cast member who overstayed his welcome in Europe and now raves about leather parties and pickled herring, so, naturally, he becomes the series’ sole villain and tragic Icarus figure. (In trying to achieve podcast stardom, Jonathan, alas, flies too close to the sun.)
Though watching Jonathan’s rise and fall—from real estate wunderkind and model to … just model—is plenty satisfying, there’s nothing that leaves us grasping for more by the end of the season. Sure, we find Ryan scrambling to save face after losing out on a major deal, but that’s the boring business stuff (a.k.a. what HGTVis for). This is Netflix, baby, so bring on the gossip, backstabbing, and betrayals!
3. Buying Beverly Hills
Now in its second season, Buying Beverly Hills focuses on Mauricio Umansky, founder and CEO of the Agency, a global real estate brokerage based out of L.A. As the husband (spoiler: now ex-husband) of Real Housewives star Kyle Richards, Mauricio was predestined for reality show success, and it also doesn’t hurt that his top agents are his three oldest daughters, all of whom are as business savvy as they are skilled at applying bronzer. Ladies and gentlemen: King Lear.
The show delivers on its family drama. In the latest season’s subplots, middle daughter Alexia feels slighted by her other sisters’ newfound closeness, Mauricio and Kyle casually discuss the latter’s cheating allegations while preparing an Italian salad, and Alexia partners on a deal with Joey Ben-Zvi, her smarmy ex-boyfriend turned colleague, who—it must be noted—wears sunglasses indoors and sweaters as over-the-shoulder accessories. There’s also eldest daughter Farrah’s separation from her fiancé, Alex, which leaves her emotionally distraught enough to take over a barely defined director of operations role and even sport leisure wear on camera.
The true pièce de résistance of this season is the introduction of a new villain: Michelle Schwartz, a managing partner at the Agency who—for reasons apparent only to her—believes herself to be Mauricio’s obvious successor (never mind that they’re basically the same age). Joey’s early-season observation that “when you fuck with one Umansky, you fuck with all the Umanskys” proves quite prophetic when Michelle promises to mentor the Umansky girls only to later talk shit about them (calling them, among other things, “business suicide”).
Thus comes an epic showdown (rooftop poolside spat) between the Umansky sisters and the Wicked Witch of the Westside, and, truly, there’s never been more damning jabs thrown with margaritas in hand. But really, Michelle’s comeuppance is just the cherry on top of a season jam-packed with big life changes, major power swings, and—get this!—men opening up about their emotions.
2. Selling Sunset
Where does one begin with a show that’s led by twin brothers who are 5-foot-6 and bald but nevertheless radiatemachismo? Perhaps, to properly express the many, many dramatic arcs of the show’s latest season, we’re better off starting with its final episode, which (naturally) included the Oppenheim Group agents exploring their allegiances and darkest secrets via polygraph test moderated by … Tan France?
Things at the Oppenheim Group have never been messier. Agents repeatedly hurl deeply personal insults at each other; newcomers are received with trepidation, if not outright hostility; and Bre Tiesi dishes on sleeping with Michael B. Jordan and co-parenting a son with Nick Cannon. There’s also endless use of the phrase “social climber,” which is apparently the equivalent of “whore” in the luxury real estate world, where being self-made is everything. Take a shot every time Nicole Young calls Chrishell Stause this if you want to get completely sloshed in under an hour.
Oh, and Jason Oppenheim and his young, German model girlfriend, Marie-Lou, break up—but you already saw that coming. (Thank you to client/guest star Nikki Glaser for the acute observation that “for someone who doesn’t want kids, it’s weird that you’re dating one.”) Dating someone 20 years your junior is, it turns out, not always the surest path to true love, even if Marie-Lou did—as Jason never fails to mention—study economics at university. Way to go, Jason; you fumbled a relationship with the next Adam Smith.
Meanwhile, Chrishell and her Australian musician partner, G Flip, go from the honeymoon stage of dating to literally honeymooning in a matter of months. They also reveal plans to have a wedding ceremony every year on their anniversary: an ambitious, not-at-all-annoying goal seemingly designed to give Jason, Chrishell’s ex, an annual reminder of what could’ve been. We don’t see much of G Flip this season, but, when we do, they always look fresh out of a Matrix movie or Hot Topic ad, so we’re led to believe that Chrishell made the right call based on vibes alone.
1. Selling the OC
I’m prepared to get flack for ranking a Selling Sunset spinoff higher than Selling Sunset itself, but, truly, nothing can top the flawless dramatic structure of the OC’s latest season, which checks all the boxes of the best telenovelas. To start, we get an unprecedented (and objectively baller) power move from agent Gio Helou when he sends a speedboat to carry attendees from his colleague Kayla Cardona’s open house to the one that he’s hosting just across the Bay.
From here, things only get more chaotic at the Oppenheims’ OC office. A large chunk of the latest season consists of arguments about whether Austin Victoria did indeed ask fellow agent Sean Palmieri to join him and his wife for a threesome. (A question also arises of whether there would have been weed available at this threesome, which—to be fair—would have made for a more alluring proposition.) Like many of the great issues of our time, the truth of this alleged threesome proposal is left murky, which makes the whole ordeal all the more captivating. Among many other profound quotes, Austin remarks that the office is turning into a brothel and then tells Sean, “You’re not hot, bro … You’re making up rumors that my wife and I want to fuck you?!”
The best subplot of Selling the OC is equally messy but far more romantic, following the will-they-won’t-they relationship of agents Tyler Stanaland and Alex Hall. The back-and-forth of it all is enough to put Pam and Jim and Ross and Rachel to shame: Alex even considers forgoing her trip to Italy with a new love interest after Tyler pleads with her to stay. (Never mind that he completely ignored her in the preceding weeks.) While the fact that (spoiler alert) they don’t work out is definitely for the best, it’s pretty great to watch them try to convince themselves otherwise. Real estate agents … they’re just as delusional as the rest of us!
Holyn Thigpen is an arts and culture writer based in Brooklyn. She holds an MA in English from Trinity College Dublin and spends her free time googling Nicolas Cage.
D.C.-based Z-Burger, which plans to double the number of its locations, finds itself in good company with its No. 4 ranking by USA Today’s Readers’ Choice Awards for best regional fast food restaurants.
A double-stacked Z-Burger with all the classic toppings. (Courtesy Z-Burger)
A double-stacked Z-Burger with all the classic toppings. (Courtesy Z-Burger)
D.C.-based Z-Burger, which plans to double the number of its locations, finds itself in good company with its No. 4 ranking by USA Today’s Readers’ Choice Awards for best regional fast food restaurants.
Z-Burger outranked regional burger chain stalwarts, including In-N-Out Burger (No. 8) and Whataburger (No.9). It is the first year Z-Burger has made the USA Today list.
USA Today readers like Z-Burger’s hearty sandwiches, like its bacon cheeseburger and spicy chicken sandwich, and its hand-spun milkshakes with 75 different flavor choices.
“We go to great lengths to make amazing hamburgers, using a special blend of sirloin, chuck, rib eye and brisket, which can’t be beat, and obviously the public agrees,” said Z-Burger founder Peter Tabibian.
The first Z-Burger opened in Northwest D.C.’s Tenleytown in 2008. It now has 12 locations in D.C., the Maryland suburbs and Northern Virginia. Another location opens soon in Towson, Maryland.
Tabibian has plans for as many as 25 new locations, including new restaurants opening soon in Centreville, Manassas, Reston Town Center, and Northeast D.C.’s Trinidad neighborhood.
Topping the Readers’ Choice list for best regional fast food restaurants are Skyline Chili in Ohio, North Carolina’s Biscuitville, and Seattle’s Dick’s Drive-In.
Get breaking news and daily headlines delivered to your email inbox by signing up here.
Before Jenna Ortega and Scream, before Mia Goth and Pearl, and before the young cast of Yellowjackets became our cannibal darlings, Maika Monroe arrived to put her own indelible stamp on 21st-century horror. For the past decade, Monroe has established herself as a mainstay in the horror genre, not just a dependable player but a true modern scream queen who’s able to elevate predictable fare, stand toe-to-toe with monsters of all kinds, and, of course, lead modern classics to even greater heights.
Now, with her nerve-shredding performance in Oz Perkins’s serial-killer terrifier Longlegs, Monroe is on the verge of a kind of second breakthrough in her horror career, a chance to remind audiences that she’s not just still here but still arguably the best young actress in the genre at the moment. In celebration of that new breakthrough, and of Monroe’s tireless talents, here are all of her horror films so far, ranked from worst to best.
One of Monroe’s great gifts, and a hallmark of good horror acting in general, is her ability to maintain the compelling edge in a scene without another human partner, something she achieves brilliantly in other films we’ll get to later. It’s a gift that’s a tremendous asset in a film like Tau, in which she plays a woman kidnapped by a mad scientist (Ed Skrein) to help him develop an advanced AI (voiced by Gary Oldman) he’s trying to perfect. For huge swaths of the film, Monroe is left alone in a vast, cold house with nothing but the voice of the AI to keep her company, which means the film’s humanity rests squarely on her shoulders. The attempt to balance out claustrophobic horror with high-concept sci-fi doesn’t quite work, and it all goes pretty much exactly how you’d expect, but because it has Monroe at the center, Tau retains a watchability and a surprisingly steady emotional core.
Monroe takes a supporting role in Greta, Neil Jordan’s psychological horror film about a young woman (Chloë Grace Moretz) who befriends a mysterious older woman (Isabelle Huppert in the title role) and soon finds she’s accidentally bonded with a monster. As Moretz’s roommate, the lively and bold Erica, Monroe disappears from the film for significant stretches, but Jordan is smart enough to keep her an active participant in the plot, and she eventually becomes the star of the film’s two best scenes. One is a fantastically tense stalker-y chase sequence, the other is a showdown with Huppert; Monroe gets to flex her Final Girl muscles in both scenes to great effect, helping Greta land its most frightening moments.
A blackly comic crime film with a horror movie’s soul, Villains pairs Monroe with Bill Skarsgård as they play a couple of small-time crooks trying to raise enough money to live their dream lives in Florida. When their car breaks down, they stumble upon a house in the woods, and a strange couple (Jeffrey Donovan and Kyra Sedgwick) hiding a dark secret. What follows is a strange, violent, twisty game of predator and prey that’s both tension-laden and deeply satisfying. A big part of that satisfaction, unsurprisingly, is the chemistry between Skarsgård and Monroe, who are able to pivot from the film’s comic tones to its horrific developments with ease and grace. It’s arguably the funniest film on this list, but that doesn’t stop it from being truly frightening.
There’s a very delicate tonal dance at work in Significant Other, which stars Monroe as a woman who’s reluctantly going out to hike and camp with her boyfriend (Jake Lacy), only to find something she never expected out in the woods. Humor, paranoia, and heart front-load the narrative, and when the real sci-fi/horror elements start to kick in, you think you know where it’s going, right up until you don’t. The twist in Significant Other is quite effective, but it’s what happens next that makes the film a hidden gem from the 2022 horror scene, and Monroe and Lacy both navigate the film’s gleeful strangeness wonderfully.
This is the point where the list starts to shift from Good Genre Movies into the realm of Potential Masterpieces. In Watcher, Chloe Okuno’s stylish and nail-biting directorial debut, Monroe stars as a lonely woman who moves to Bucharest with her husband (Karl Glusman) and, while he’s at work, starts to worry that someone in the apartment across the street is watching her. It’s the stuff of classic paranoid-thriller filmmaking, clearly following in the footsteps of Hitchcock and De Palma. But what makes Watcher particularly special is just how squarely Okuno keeps the focus on a woman who must persist despite no one listening to her and how well Monroe does in that environment. It’s one of those performances she has to very often sell on her own, in a room, reacting not to a scene partner but to a certain environmental edge, and she not only nails it but makes us feel the same sense of creeping anxiety, too.
Monroe’s breakthrough as a genre-cinema mainstay came in 2014 thanks to two films. One offered a leading role, which we’ll get to in just a moment, and the other saw her land second billing under Dan Stevens’s incredible title-role performance in The Guest. Helmed by the You’re Next team of director Adam Wingard and writer Simon Barrett, The Guest emerges as a seemingly straightforward thriller about a military man (Stevens) who visits the family of a departed comrade and forms a strange bond with their teenage daughter (Monroe) and bullied young son (Brendan Meyer). One of the film’s great strengths is how it’s able to warp from this thriller perspective into full-on slasher-style terror by the end, and that’s not just thanks to Stevens. Monroe has to slowly tilt from being beguiled and intrigued by Stevens to totally terrified by him, and her ability to pull it off while explosions and gun battles are going on around her sells the film’s tonal shifts perfectly.
In this combination of procedural thriller and Satanic nightmare from horror filmmaker Oz Perkins, Monroe stars as Lee Harker, an FBI agent trying to track down the title serial killer (Nicolas Cage) even as he closes in on her as the object of his latest fascinations. Monroe plays Lee with a certain steadfast restraint, keeping her emotions shielded until the film’s terrifying plot strips that shield away bit by bit, and Cage is … well, he’s unhinged in all the best ways. It’s one of those movies that feels eerie and shrouded in strangeness from the very beginning, and Monroe knows exactly how to navigate that environment.
The other major 2014 film (though it didn’t hit U.S. theaters until 2015) that cemented Monroe’s status as a genre star, It Follows has since become not just a hit horror film but a cultural mainstay, up there with The Babadook and Get Out as one of the most talked-about genre movies of its decade. Monroe stars as Jay, a young woman who finds herself cursed after a one-night stand to be followed by a strange entity that will kill her if it can ever catch her. Conceptually, it’s a brilliant piece of horror work from director David Robert Mitchell, but it’s Monroe who has to navigate the harrowing emotional journey of the piece, as Jay goes from unwitting participant to desperate prey to unforgettable Final Girl. It’s a fantastic performance in one of the best horror films of the 21st century so far, one that cemented Monroe as one of the genre’s brightest and most compelling performers.
Like a sixth-round draft pick who goes on to win seven Super Bowl rings, The Greatest Roast of All Time: Tom Brady delivered far more than anyone had a right to expect. Over three hours live on Netflix Sunday night, the roast was a combination of no-holds-barred humor and awkward and hilarious moments between famous football friends and frenemies. The footballers on the dais more than held their own with the comics, and anyone wondering if Brady Rules would be in effect to soften the blows quickly got their answer. The show flew by because most sets worked, but it wouldn’t be a GOAT roast without some rankings. Here’s a ranking of all 19 roasters, from GROAT to WROAT—all that’s missing is Eli Manning:
1. Nikki Glaser
The roast really started when Glaser stepped to the podium, and she delivered the best top-to-bottom set of the night. Her bits about Gisele, Julian Edelman, er, sucking up to Brady, and her willingness to shoot her boyfriend in the face for a chance with TB12 were all great—her set really didn’t have lulls, she got a standing ovation, and her best joke absolutely killed.
Best line: “Tom also lost $30 million in crypto. Tom, how did you fall for that? Even Gronk was like, ‘Me know that not real money!’”
2. Sam Jay
Often the funniest jokes are the ones you don’t see coming, and a first-time roaster going in on Drew Bledsoe was phenomenal. Jay’s “too Black for Boston” bit about Brady was excellent, but her Bledsoe jokes were just as good. The best part was watching Bledsoe react to a drive-by he probably didn’t see coming.
Best line (to Bledsoe): “The only ring you have is the one Tom won for you. So your Super Bowl ring is just like my strap-on. Just because you wear it doesn’t make it real.”
3. Tom Brady
The GOAT did not disappoint at his own roast. Kim Kardashian leaving the kids at home with Kanye? Owning the Colts and Bills? Telling Gronk he’s not the father of a baby rhino? Brady was in the pocket—he’d clearly prepared, his set was one of the very best of the night—and it was the best of the bunch delivered by a non-comedian. If it seemed like he was regretting his decision to participate midway through the roast, he got the last laugh by the end.
Best line: “Everybody asks me which ring is my favorite. I used to say, ‘The next one.’ But now that I’m retired, my favorite ring is the camera that caught Coach Belichick slinking out of that poor girl’s house at 6 a.m. a few months ago.”
TOM BRADY FAVORITE RING WAS THE RING CAMERA ONE WHICH CAUGHT Bill Belichick LEAVING THAT POOR GIRLS HOUSE AT 6 IN THE MORNING
It’s only fitting that Belichick and Brady were neck-and-neck with some of the best sets of the night. Brady edged out Belichick on a joke-for-joke scorecard, but Belichick had two of the most memorable lines of the night: the “10-part roast of Bill Belichick” joke about The Dynasty (the Apple TV+ docuseries), and the one about Brady and trainer Alex Guerrero. Plus, you got the sense Belichick meant it. (Tell us how you really feel about Danny Amendola, Bill!)
Best line: “It was hard to butt heads with Tom because he was so far up Alex Guerrero’s ass.”
Belichick not holding back
“It was hard to butt heads with Tom because he was so far up Alex Guerrero’s ass” pic.twitter.com/kzPLeCjCf9
As host, Hart had a fun set to kick things off (watching Brady realize in real time that jokes about his divorce from Gisele would be prominent was something), but he’s here in the top five for how he quarterbacked the evening as a whole. He clocked all the big moments in real time and leaned into them while also navigating the sets from both comics and athletes, and giving the audience a few extra beats to laugh at jokes like Glaser’s crypto bit or process whatever the heck Gronk was doing. Sound it out, Gronk! But Hart’s best moment of the night was diplomatic, not comedic. The State Department should be studying how he got Belichick and Robert Kraft up on that podium together to take a shot. This is a big moment, Bill!
No lie, the Tom Brady Roast my be the sports cultural event of 2024
* Humanized Tom Brady * Humanized Bill Belichick * Kraft and Belichick taking shots together
Learned more in this 2 hours than I did in the 10 part Patriots documentary https://t.co/TF8dEdu99O
Best line: “Let me tell you something: When you’ve got a chance to go 8-9, and all it will cost you is your wife and kids? You’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.”
6. Julian Edelman
I’ll be honest: I did not know Edelman had this in him! His set, which was ruthless and smoothly delivered, might have been the surprise of the roast. On a night that featured more than a few one-liners about Aaron Hernandez, Edelman’s got the most potent combination of laughs and gasps. Maybe he was just good on the prompter, but Edelman was in command of his jokes enough that asides like, “I’ve been waiting for this for so long,” as he ripped Belichick’s unemployment felt ad-libbed. Surprisingly, he was the only roaster to go after Brady’s ever-evolving hairline and bone structure—and the joke landed as one of the best of the night.
Best line: “Who’s laughing now, Tom? Not you, because your face can’t move and you don’t have a sense of humor.”
7. Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy
Will Ferrell seems to be entering that Ryan Gosling Zone, where he only appears in public in character. He was kind of doing his own thing, but it worked, and his run about Eli Manning was great. One of the challenges of a roast is finding the right balance between the jokes the audience knows are coming and stuff that’s out of left field, and Ferrell as Ron Burgundy mispronouncing Gisele, thinking he’s in New York and pretending to fall in love with Brady was a helpful addition to the latter category.
Oh man the Giselle jokes have been brutal even Anchorman Ron Burgandy is getting into it Will Ferrell at Tom Brady Roast live on Netflix pic.twitter.com/eQlQlqlaHc
Best line: “Poor Gisele, it took her 13 years to learn what we all know: Tom is boring. Dink, donk, dink, donk, touchdown, who cares!”
8. Andrew Schulz
Schulz seemed like he was having a blast up there. “Bill has secretly filmed more guys playing for the other team than Diddy,” didn’t draw his biggest laugh, but it elicited the biggest gasp of the night from the audience, and it’s fun to watch a comic know he’s getting a reaction.
Best line: “Tom, you remind us that no matter how big you get, how successful you are, or how much you accomplish in your life, you can always end up a twice-divorced supplement salesman in Tampa, Florida. And for that, we thank you.”
9. Kim Kardashian
Serious question: Why were people booing Kim Kardashian? That was vigorous booing! Is this about Taylor Swift? I did not know people still had it out for her that way, and I don’t think she or the dais expected the audience to respond like that when she was invited on stage to give a toast. I also remain confused about her and Brady’s apparently close friendship. A lot of questions here. Anyway, she was a good sport and her set was good!
Best line: “Honestly, it’s hard to watch people roast you, but I think enough of my family members have helped defend former football players.”
10. Peyton Manning
Manning is great at a roast because he never sounds like he’s being mean. One of the things this roast got right was the sequencing—both choices of Ferrell, a.k.a. Burgundy, to introduce Belichick and Manning to introduce Brady himself were smart.
Best line: “Tom and I both golf. My handicap is 6.4, and his handicap is blowing leads to my brother Eli in the Super Bowl.”
11. Rob Gronkowski
Gronk had some great moments, like when he went after Belichick about running the infamous hill, but the most memorable part of his set wasn’t a specific joke but how off-the-rails it was as a whole. I think that shot glass he spiked was made of real glass? I am docking Gronk a bit for making at least four too many gay jokes that felt right out of 1997, but the avocado line did make me laugh. And I believe Gronk when he says he worked on his own material.
Best line (to Edelman): “Julian, you’re the only one who used tongue.”
12. Drew Bledsoe
Bledsoe was brave enough to be first on the dais, and standing up at the podium drinking a glass of his own wine was a nice touch. His set had some lulls, but the bits about confirming he hates Brady were funny, and the closing wedding anniversary jab was one of the first signs of the night that no one would be holding back. Bledsoe also had a great sense of humor throughout the night when he was targeted.
Best line: “My favorite wine is our world class cabernet. Tom’s favorite whine is, ‘Where’s the flag?!’”
13. Jeff Ross
Ross has had more memorable roast sets, but the Roastmaster General is a huge winner given the overall success of the event. He was also the only roaster to go after Kraft, though Brady apparently didn’t care for his massage parlor joke.
Best line (about Brady’s book): “The TB12 Method, very helpful. In fact, Kevin Hart has been sitting on it all night.”
14. Tony Hinchcliffe
Purely on a jokes-per-minute basis, Hinchcliffe had the set of the night. His Gronk jokes in particular had a cheeky charm.
Best line: “Tom is afraid of the Giants, which is why Kevin Hart is hosting tonight.”
15. Randy Moss
Moss struggled with some of his delivery, but the bit in which he asked why the Patriots didn’t cheat when he was on the team was funny. Several others delivered “Randy Moss doesn’t have a ring” jokes, but his approach to the topic was the most clever. Moss gets bonus points for the line “Who the fuck is Nate Ebner?” Not sure that lands with anyone who isn’t a Patriots fan, but I know they were laughing in New England.
Best line: “You know how hard it is to look your kids in the eyes and say, ‘They just don’t trust me enough to cheat’?”
16. Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
On a night with this many roasters, it’s good to have a couple weird bits thrown in. Segura and Kreischer’s slideshow connecting Brady with various historical psychopaths and serial killers definitely qualifies, though I did spend the last few beats of their allotted time thinking: “I wonder why Bill Burr isn’t here.”
Best line: [Showing picture of semi-nude Brady clutching football] “Was he pregnant?”
17. Robert Kraft
Despite the fact that the evening was surprisingly light on massage parlor jokes (and given Brady’s response to the one Ross made, it’s fair to wonder if that’s what was taken off the table) this was a tough evening for Kraft, who had to weather that moment, Belichick’s iciness and several Deflategate jokes during which he appeared to be dissociating. Perhaps accordingly, Kraft seemed nervous during his short set, though it had a few lines that landed.
Best line: “Tom, good luck buying the Raiders. They did your favorite thing for you already—they got rid of Jimmy Garoppolo.”
18. Dana White
White only got a minute to roast and wasn’t able to do much with it. It’s not ideal if you have to say “come on, that was a good one” mid-set.
Dana White was pissed Netflix only gave him one minute to roast Tom Brady
“You guys gave me 60 seconds? My name is Dana! Is that not trans enough for you liberal f*cks?” pic.twitter.com/rSJEBPSyci
Best line: Unfortunately for White, they were all in Andrew Schulz’s set.
19. Ben Affleck
Speaking as someone who watched every minute of The Greatest Love Story Never Told, I must ask: is Ben Affleck OK? He spent most of his time at the podium yelling about internet commenters and not telling jokes. It was weird! Matt Damon, come get your friend. He’s killing the vibe.
Best line: Saying Brady overcame “the physique of a professional bowler with a smaller right arm” to play football.
A six-table restaurant in Seaside, Florida, named Lazy Daze Cafe is to blame. The 1991 restaurant opening was the first from Kevin Boehm, who 12 years later would, along with Rob Katz, go on to establish Boka Restaurant Group. Boehm, then a University of Illinois student, was encouraged to drop out to pursue his dreams by his future famous writer roommate, Dave Eggers.
“It was a two-person operation: myself and my girlfriend at the time, Theresa. Small menu, small wine list, centered around fresh fish from the gulf, a few pastas, sandwiches, and salads at lunch,” says Boehm. I’ve always thought of it as my bachelor’s and master’s education in restaurants, as every responsibility rested on both our shoulders.”
Boehm went on to open other spots, including Indigo in Springfield, before meeting Katz, a Vancouver, British Columbia, native who moved to Chicago to work in the trading pits. Katz became a nightlife impresario, opening up places like the Elbo Room in Lakeview.
Katz wanted to leave nightclubs and Boehm wanted an in to the Chicago restaurant market. The two met through mutual friends in 2002 in Old Town. “We sat for coffee at Nookies, and the meeting was supposed to be 15 minutes. We sat for four hours. We just clicked instantly, felt the same way about hospitality and food, and were both big believers that design was a huge part of the puzzle. We basically shrugged our shoulders and said, ‘Let’s do one. What’s the worst that could happen?’” says Boehm.
Boka Restaurant Group’s Rob Katz (left) and Kevin Boehm.Boka Restaurant Group/Anthony Tahlier
Boehm and Katz were once very much like the ex-GM of their beloved Chicago Cubs, Theo Epstein. Like with Epstein, who won two World Series championships with the Boston Red Sox and one with the Cubs, Boka’s success came in identifying unknown and undervalued top-level talent like Giuseppe Tentori, Lee Wolen, and Gene Kato. Now Boehm and Katz mostly partner with big-name celebrity chefs like Stephanie Izard, Michael Solomonov, and most recently, although it didn’t work out as planned, Daniel Rose.
The real hidden feather in their cap is partnership with designers like Karen Herold of Studio K Creative, as well as AvroKO, who create interiors that beget immersive experiences. Through this formula, Katz and Boehm have earned reputations as empire builders.
The following is a ranking of the restaurants that make up Katz and Boehm’s Chicago empire, from 2003 to present (though their influence now extends to New York and Los Angeles, with noteworthy spots like Laser Wolf Brooklyn and Girl & the Goat LA). We also stuck to restaurants, thus omitting Lazy Bird, Boka’s cocktail bar in the Hoxton hotel. Whether the contender is one of Boka’s OG stalwarts or its clubbier offerings, the paramount criteria for the rankings below was food quality followed by the level of commitment to experiential design and/or original style.
Deciding which of Boka’s stellar lineup of chefs is the greatest is kind of like asking which Avenger is the best. They’re almost impossible to separate. However, if someone put a Global cleaver to my jugular and made me pick, I’m probably choosing Lee Wolen. Wolen is a student of culinary history and a veteran of Eleven Madison Park. Though he runs a three-star restaurant (by choice) in Boka, many of his plates are four-star prix fixe-level studies in impeccable technique. From chefs Meg Galus to Kim Mok, the pastry program at Boka has also always offered a double threat unmatched by almost any other place in town save Daisies (whose chef Joe Frillman worked at two shuttered Boka restaurants, Perennial Virant in Old Town and Balena in Lincoln Park).
Pairing it with a Top Chef and Iron Chef champion like Izard would make McDonald’s a first-tier restaurant. Adding in Boehm and Katz’s business and service acumen and Herold’s creative interiors made G&TG the real inflection point of Boka’s rise in Chicago, and maybe the launching pad for its current celebrity chef-driven multimarket restaurant domination.
The smoky wood-fired oven, which churns out first-class bread you don’t mind being charged for, and the flame-charred walls make you feel like you’re eating inside a Pappy Van Winkle bourbon barrel. I’ve been to Girl & the Goat many times and it seems like I wait months or years between visits. But every time I return to a platter of wood oven-roasted pig face glistening with red wine and maple syrup, gooey with the remains of a breached sunny side egg, I wonder why I waited. At almost 14 years old, few local spots — save sister restaurant Boka, or Alinea and Avec — have stayed on top of their game for so long.
Generally, after you’re assaulted by the pomp and circumstance of a well-designed restaurant, the luster often wears off. Stick around a while and you start inspecting a dining room, notice the smoke alarms, the exit signs, and the cheap paint. You start to feel like you’re in a fake set piece.
Momotaro, though, is more than a restaurant. It’s a story. It’s not reality per se. Certainly never in history has a Japanese salaryman’s office/sushi bar/ 1960s airport lounge as frequented by Don Draper ever existed. And yet, the attention to detail, the pen stroke graffiti in the bathrooms, the bar menu — a vintage split-flap airport departures/arrivals style display — makes up a world so unique that it feels real.
On my first visits, the hot food was the thing, but on subsequent visits, the sushi execution finally caught up with the vision. Silky lithe scrims of toro blanket plump toothsome grains of rice. Outside the city’s omakase stylings there may be no finer place for raw fish in Chicago. Girl & the Goat may have made the empire, but Momotaro is the spot that put Boehm and Katz on par with the best of the mega-restaurateurs.
4. Alla Vita, 564 W. Randolph Street, (312) 667-0104
Alla Vita/Anthony Tahlier
There are hundreds of Italian restaurants in Chicago, but most are of the multigenerational-owned, Frank-Sinatra-got-hammered-in-this-very-booth, red-sauce variety. At Alla Vita, Lee Wolen brings a top chef’s eye to the cuisine, elevating beyond fried calamari with pillowy ricotta gnudi dripping in cacio e pepe cream. You also likely won’t find a more beautiful or stylish dining crowd in Chicago, a reflection of the sleek space that features hanging gardens and gauzy undulating lanterns that mimic the blazing energy weaving through the room.
I remember running over as fast as I could when GT Prime’s namesake Giuseppe Tentori took over the kitchen at Boka after he left as chef de cuisine of Charlie Trotter’s. Tentori had spent nine years working for Trotter, which, based on its exacting standards, is like spending 100 years in most other kitchens. Few, except maybe Matthias Merges, had put in that much time at Trotter’s and lived to tell the story with a great second act.
But Tentori dusted off his shoulder and rode his bicycle/pasta machine, aka “The Black Stallion,” to glory at Boka and then at GT Fish & Oyster. Prime, which features the coolest taxidermy in Chicago (the oryx and sable antelope mounted in the front vestibule are nicknamed Chuck and Tenderloin, respectively) is Tentori’s true masterpiece. At Prime, Tentori took the steakhouse to a clientele beyond expense account folks who buy Louis Vuitton trunks by the busload. By curating small cuts of Japanese A5 wagyu and prime strip loin and mixing them in with silky tagliatelle or world-class lasagna, Tentori made a meat emporium a welcoming place for all real food enthusiasts again. As a bonus (ever since his other spot GT Fish & Oyster closed), you might even find its legendary clam chowder as a special here.
6. Cabra at the Hoxton hotel, 200 N. Green Street, (312) 761-1717
Boka Restaurant Group
The first time I ate at chef Izard’s Cabra, I thought it was some kind of time warp from the 1980s. Everyone on staff seemed to be wearing acid-washed mom jeans. The food wasn’t quite of the era, but it was inconsistent relative to Tanta, the superior Peruvian choice in River North. Since then, a tightening of the menu, focusing on mouthwatering ceviche and delightful chorizo queso dip, has created an infusion of new energy that allowed the brand to extend to Los Angeles.
Duck Duck GoatAnthony Tahlier/Boka Restaurant Group
My love for Izard’s mashup of authentic and American Chinese is deep and endless. Were this a roundup of my subjective personal favorite Boka restaurants, it might be ranked higher. But in this ranking I’m looking for a superior mix of food quality, interior design, innovation, influence, and service, and the food quality and consistency at Duck Duck Goat has wavered in recent years, as with the recent receipt of a soggy Chongqing chicken. Still, as a regular diner, I just want to have fun, and DDG’s set-piece decor makes me feel like I’ve been dropped into Spielberg’s Shanghai in Indiana Jones. (No time for love, Dr. Jones!) And that environment still gives me pure delight.
8. Swift & Sons,1000 W. Fulton Market, (312) 733-9420
Swift & SonsBarry Brecheisen/Eater Chicago
This might be the best-designed of all the Boka restaurants. While I love the story of the Japanese salaryman told through Momotaro, I am foremost a Chicagoan — a faithful denizen of this former hog butcher to the world, one who screams “Da Bears!” and all that. Which is to say, my belly is often full of pork and my mind is truly raptured by the stories of the all-time local greats like Algren, Burnham, Sullivan, Wright, and Gustavus Swift.
The vestibule of this place looks like the abandoned offices of Swift, the great meatpacking magnate, and the interior simultaneously conjures the elegance of the Titanic ballroom and the corporate art deco aesthetic of the Coen Brothers’ The Hudsucker Proxy. You can almost smell the aftershave dripping off the leather bench seating. Though it is the most “steakhouse” of all the Boka restaurants, chef Chris Pandel doesn’t just give you a simple baked potato bigger than a T. rex egg. He’s putting out bacon-larded and horseradish cream-spiked potato and ricotta-stuffed pierogies that would make most babcias jealous. There is creamed spinach on offer, but also chile crisp- and gojuchang aioli-spiked roast brussels sprouts, which is to say, just like GT Prime, Swift & Sons is not a Gibsons knockoff.
9. Cira, inside the Hoxton hotel, 200 N. Green Street, (312) 761-1777
Boka Restaurant Group/Galdones Photography
Hotel restaurants demand all-day rigor, and few chefs are up to the challenge like Chris Pandel. The Hoxton hotel has become a coworking and de facto meeting spot for me over the last few years, and while the central location and comfy lobby play a role, it’s mostly because I know Cira’s gonna sate my cravings any time of day. If it’s early morning, there’s a perfect shakshuka waiting to break my fast. If it’s lunchtime, I’m digging into the crisp cumin- and coriander-perfumed falafel. If work is done and a celebration dinner is in order, I’m ordering a bowl of pistachio ravioli roofed with crisp breadcrumbs and gilded with saffron orange butter.
10. Itoko, 3326 N. Southport Avenue, (773) 819-7672
ItokoBoka Restaurant Group
I can count maybe a handful of dishes I still think about months after I visited a restaurant, but Gene Kato’s octopus at Itoko — a carpaccio flayed out like a giant hibiscus blossom and sprinkled with shiso and red onion slivers, then drizzled with the lifting acidity of ponzu — is one of them. If you’re looking for pristine sushi or perfectly toasted nori hand rolls bulging with king crab in an informal setting, Itoko is the spot in Lakeview.
The Izakaya under Momotaro in Fulton Market has that hidden speakeasy vibe. Even though it’s not invite-only like the Aviary’s the Office, or hidden behind a graffiti wall as with the Violet Hour, like both those spots, Izakaya is a windowless lair where time seems to stand still. You can drink and drink and drink with friends, and even better, sop it up with salty snacks like sweet soy-pepper glazed tebasaki wings or a big bowl of chicken curry. The design magic of AvroKO is in full force, as the space feels the kind of place John Wick might stop by to plot his next assassination over shots of sake.
Stroller parent-friendly salads and crispy chicken sandwiches are usually the domain of a Chick-fil-A, not a super chef like Wolen. But add in perfect mahogany-crusted rotisserie chicken and incredible consistency, and this might be one of Boka’s most dependable and delicious spots. The only thing keeping it from ranking higher is its informal nature.
13. Little Goat, 3325 N. Southport Avenue, (773) 819-7673
Little Goat Diner has moved to Lakeview.Boka Restaurant Group/Keni Rosales
In the move from the more spacious OG location on Randolph, Little Goat lost square footage, but gained more character. The new vibe, a kind of retro Fonzie-meets-midcentury modern, is actually more creative than the original. But what it’s gained in design, it’s lost in consistency of service and food quality. Stick to Izard’s classics like the This Little Piggy, a sesame cheddar egg biscuit sandwich stuffed with Sichuan pork sausage, or the okonomiyaki packed with bacon and bonito crunch, and you’ll still be satisfied.
Swift & Sons Tavern is across from Wrigleyville.Swift & Sons Tavern
Except for the nearby Mordecai, this is probably one of the best restaurants in Wrigleyville. Then again, that’s a lot like being the tallest kindergartener: Everything is relative to the competition. Thronged on Cubs game days, service sometimes suffers. Not as serious as its brother, the bigger original Swift, informal eats like fried cheese curds or an Italian beef stuffed with shaved rib-eye are the moves here.
820 W Randolph Street, Chicago, IL 60607 312 888 3455
Michael Mann, the auteur behind such classics as Heat, Ali, and Collateral, remains one of our finest directors. This is thanks to a bevy of motion pictures featuring dense plots, intricate characters, and an unmatched devotion to detail.
Mann’s phenomenal latest film, Ferrari, centers ex-racer Enzo Ferrari (Adam Driver). It sped into theaters this week, earning (mostly) positive reviews that prove the iconic director hasn’t lost his golden touch. Where does Ferrari rank among his films? Read on to find out!
12) The Keep (1983)
Mann flexed his commercial muscles with The Keep, a bizarre misfire that nonetheless boasts strong production values—including a gnarly-looing baddie and a terrific score by Tangerine Dream—and plenty of the director’s visual flourishes. The film features a stellar cast, namely Scott Glenn, Gabriel Byrne, and Ian McKellen, and remains a watchable piece of horror. Unfortunately, as is customary with most of Mann’s productions, post-production issues removed a huge chunk of footage from the narrative, resulting in a 90-minute mess begging for a director’s cut.
11) Public Enemies (2009)
The powerful one-two punch of Johnny Depp and Christian Bale isn’t enough to lift this curiously limp biopic about renowned criminal John Dillinger off the ground. Public Enemies has the look and feel of a genuine classic but can’t overcome its fractured narrative, muddled performances, or awkward assembly. Again, it’s not a bad film. My views on Public Enemies have increased favorably on multiple rewatches. The positives outweigh the negatives, but it’s still only a good film when it should have been great.
10) Blackhat – Director’s Cut (2015)
Mann’s films often require multiple rewatches to grasp, mainly due to their dense plotting and the director’s slavish devotion to realism. Mann likes his characters raw and presents a gritty and unfiltered portrayal of his subject matter, resulting in action thrillers that often leave general audiences in the dust. Case in point — Blackhat, a cybercrime thriller starring Chris Hemsworth as a renowned hacker chasing a high-level cybercrime network. Ripe with complex computer jargon and a labyrinth plot, the action thriller left audiences cold in 2015 despite an all-star cast and some of Mann’s best action sequences.
The recently released collector’s edition, which features three versions of the film, including Mann’s intended cut, likely won’t win any suitors. However, I was drawn into the story on this go-round and fascinated with this unique world of laptops and cybercriminals. Blackhat is far from Mann’s best work, but there’s plenty here to enjoy should you give it a chance.
9) Ferrari (2023)
Ferrari fits snugly into 2023, the year of the character drama, and eschews big thrills and emotions for a straightforward examination of a flawed but captivating individual. As he did with Ali, Mann wisely focuses on one point of Enzo Ferrari’s life, capturing a period of turmoil during the summer of 1957 when Ferrari faced bankruptcy, a disgruntled wife, and the looming Mille Miglia race across Italy.
As typical, Mann doesn’t hold back on the grisly details, painting Ferrari as a troubled soul still reeling from the death of his son and seeking whatever form of emotional support he can grab. His company remains his last hope for success—losing it would likely drive him deeper into anguish and despair. He bids everything on the Mille Miglia. We watch as he grapples with this decision while navigating his troubled marriage and relationship with his mistress, Lina, and their son.
Mann doesn’t judge Ferrari’s actions. He shows us the man and steps back. Ferrari didn’t care what people thought of him, lived large, slept around, and maintained a rigid focus on the finish line.
8) Miami Vice (2006)
Directing a movie like Heat is a double-edged sword, as all the work after that will be compared to the classic crime drama. Indeed, Miami Vice is no Heat, but it’s not trying to be. Nor is it trying to mimic Mann’s popular Miami Vice TV series from the 1980s. Instead, this iteration of Miami Vice reimagines the concept as a dark and gritty thriller, seeped with sex and violence and bursting at the seams with style. Jamie Foxx and Colin Ferrell star as Ricardo Tubbs and James Crockett, undercover detectives who get caught up with drug trafficking in the neon-lit Florida scene. Matters get worse when Crockett falls for a drug dealer’s wife, leading to plenty of high-stakes drama and impressive set pieces that get the adrenaline pumping.
Miami Vice remains one of Mann’s messiest thrillers. Still, it’s also a gripping yarn with solid performances—particularly from Foxx—and enough testosterone-fueled action to keep viewers on the edge of their seats.
7) Manhunter (1986)
I really like Manhunter, though it’s probably my least-watched Mann flick behind The Keep. An adaptation of Thomas Harris’ Red Dragon, a prequel to Silence of the Lambs, the thriller about Will Graham’s pursuit of a serial killer known as “Tooth Fairy,” is appropriately dark, stylish, and atmospheric. Mann leans heavily on psychology and conjures a thought-provoking, cerebral journey that remains with viewers long after the credits roll.
Fair warning: the film is deliberately paced and bleak as hell, which might put off some expecting a more conventional and fast-paced thriller. Manhunter isn’t quite on par with Silence of the Lambs, but it remains one of Mann’s most compelling thrillers.
6) The Insider (1999)
Al Pacino and Russell Crowe headline this gripping drama about one man’s efforts to expose Big Tobacco. Mann weaves an intricate morality tale that skillfully balances suspense and drama and grips you throughout its admittedly lengthy running time. Not only does The Insider provide a view behind the curtain to one of the most powerful companies in the world — which lied about the addictive substances inside its products — but the film also gives us a look inside the media world where Pacino’s Lowell Bergman battles executives to put the whole truth on the air. The Insider should have swept the Oscars, but that’s a different conversation.
5) Ali (2001)
If anyone else directs Ali, it’s likely a personal best. For Mann, the powerful biopic about the outspoken boxer Muhammed Ali is just another walk in the park. Will Smith turns in the performance of his career and slips into Ali’s shoes inside and outside the ring. He captures the icon’s charisma, pain, and sorrow during a troubling period that saw his title belt stripped for political reasons.
Mann chronicles Ali’s attempts to take back the crown, crafting a series of incredible fight sequences that succinctly capture the ferocity of the sport. He also ensures you walk away from the biopic knowing Ali, the man behind the myth.
4) The Last of the Mohicans (1992)
My introduction to Mann came in the form of 1992’s epic The Last of the Mohicans, a film I watched often in my history classes and adored for its stunning cinematography, brutal action, and incredible score (by Trevor Jones and Randy Edelman). Based on the classic novel by James Fenimore Cooper, this loose adaptation has it all: romance, drama, politics, and kickass action. It’s undoubtedly Mann’s most accessible film, unabashedly old-fashioned in its execution but appropriately authentic regarding historical accuracy.
Daniel Day-Lewis stars as Hawkeye, the adopted white son of the Mohican tribe, tasked with guiding the daughters of Colonel Edmund Munro to Fort William Henry. Admittedly, the picture bites off a little more than it can chew, leading to a love story in dire need of a second act, but my minor quibbles aren’t enough to drop Mohicans out of Mann’s Top 5. It’s a glorious epic.
3) Collateral (2004)
Mann has yet to top his best efforts—Thief and Heat—but Collateral came close. Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx are sensational in this crime thriller about a taxicab driver forced to drive a hitman around to his various murders. It’s a simple but ingenious setup that allows Mann to explore themes of moral ambiguity and relationships that often dominate his pictures. Foxx’s lowly cab driver, Max, dreams big but doesn’t dare to follow through with his plans; Cruise’s Vincent has made it to the top of his respective profession, in many ways living the kind of life Max can only dream. Together, they explore the consequences of their choices and reflect on the randomness of life. It’s a compelling character study wrapped in a thriller, replete with a Hitchcockian finale that’ll have you on the edge of your seat.
2) Thief (1981)
I love Thief. It’s one of my favorite movies. James Caan is remarkable as Frank, a professional thief trying to go straight. The plot chronicles his struggles to reconcile his past misdeeds with his current predicament. He dreamed of a glorious life in prison, fulfilling the American Dream. To achieve his vision, however, he must do what he does best: break the law.
Of course, we never believe Frank will reach the promised land — neither does he, to a certain extent — and his slow realization of where his life is headed makes for one helluva motion picture. Caan delivers the performance of a lifetime, while Mann’s sturdy direction and Tangerine Dream’s evocative score create an atmosphere ripe with tension and suspense — an incredible film.
1) Heat (1995)
So, why isn’t Thief number one? Well, because Heat is, to quote Vincent (Al Pacino), “Pretty f—ing great.” From its riveting cat-and-mouse plot to its complex characters, Heat pulls you in like few films do.
Mann explores two highly skilled individuals on opposing sides of the law. Robert DeNiro’s Neil McCauley is a professional thief who spends his days pulling scores, and Al Pacino’s Vincent Hannah is sent to stop him. Each struggles to exist in a world overrun by serial killers, corrupt businessmen, broken marriages, angry children, and short-tempered managers. Both cling to their respective careers to achieve something close to happiness.
If that’s not enough, Mann delivers the greatest shootout in cinema history — a colossal piece of sound design and frenetic action produced with the director’s signature gusto. If you haven’t seen Heat, stop what you’re doing and watch it now. You’re welcome.
Rebel Moon made its highly anticipated debut this week on Netflix. Now, it’s time to look at Zack Snyder’s filmography and determine where his sci-fi extravaganza ranks.
10) Sucker Punch (2011)
The only out-and-out misfire in Snyder’s career remains 2011’s trippy Sucker Punch — and that may be due to a theatrical cut that eschews a lot of essential details in favor of a swift (by Snyder standards) run time. At least, that’s the word on the street. There’s a lot to admire here, from the eye-popping production design to the video game-esque series of missions our heroines must complete to escape their physical and mental prisons. Unfortunately, it all becomes a little too repetitive by the third act.
No matter. A handful of colorful set pieces and a few strong performances by Emily Browning, Jena Malone, and Abbie Cornish, at the very least, make Sucker Punch watchable. I think Snyder got a little too cute with this one and turned what could have been a kick-ass action picture into a convoluted mind trip — though I’ll happily watch a Director’s Cut should it ever become available.
9) Legends of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole (2010)
Legends of the Guardians is a strange beast — quite literally.
The animation is superb, and Snyder pushes the PG rating for all it’s worth, conjuring some truly electrifying set pieces that pop with his patented slow-mo flourishes. But … owls? Of the bajillion books out there worthy of adaptations, why choose one about owls? As much as I admire Snyder’s ambitious approach, I can’t get over the fact that I’m watching an overtly serious film about warrior owls. If you can get over that stigma, though, Legends of the Guardians is a rollicking animated thrill ride.
8) Army of the Dead (2021)
Amy of the Dead was an extreme case of false advertising. The ads promised a rip-roaring, action-packed heist thriller, prominently showcasing the main cast—led by Dave Bautista, Ana de la Reguera, Ella Purnell, Matthias Schweighöfer, and Omari Hardwick—standing back-to-back, Avengers-style, blasting waves of zombies in the middle of Las Vegas. The actual film is a more somber, muted affair with a dramatic father/daughter storyline as the anchor. It’s not bad, but certainly not what any of us expected.
With my expectations firmly on the back burner, I can enjoy Army of the Dead for what it is. Not all of it works, but Snyder’s flick stands apart from others of its ilk. His zombies aren’t just walking-eating machines, but an intelligent hoard — created by the world’s most ill-timed blowjob — led by a King and Queen, capable of mass destruction but content to remain in Vegas so long as the outside world leaves them the hell alone. Into this nightmare falls Bautista’s gang, a struggling band of misfits in dire need of a positive exercise in self-fulfillment. They’re tasked with taking a pile of cash from a casino before the US military blows Vegas sky high and must navigate the zombie-infested city without pissing off the locals.
7) Watchmen (2009)
There’s so much to admire in Zack Snyder’s Watchmen, from that astonishing opening sequence to the impressive visuals and slavish devotion to Alan Moore’s acclaimed graphic novel. It’s a shame when the entire production all but crumbles under its massive weight in the third act. Visually, the film is all aces — it looks like a comic book come to life! — has a knack for balancing dark, pulpy character drama with epic action.
Unfortunately, the various parts don’t fully come together. Snyder tries to craft a straightforward adaptation of Moore’s novel while delivering a kick-ass superhero epic. Ultimately, the film doesn’t fulfill either objective and frustrates more than delights. I still think it’s one of the most ambitious blockbusters ever produced—a dark, gritty, violent R-rated comic book drama packed with sex, mature themes, and complex characters. That it works at all is a miracle.
6) Rebel Moon: Part One – A Child of Fire (2023)
Watching Rebel Moon, I was reminded of great B-movies like Highlander, Flash Gordon, Battle Beyond the Stars, Beastmaster, and (to some extent) The Never Ending Story — pictures too outlandish and silly for general audiences that eventually garnered a cult following. Rebel Moon seems destined for that trajectory, as I’m sure its mix of pulpy action and super serious melodrama will turn off most but delight those willing to let go and enjoy the ride.
Ostensibly a shameless retelling of The Seven Samurai, Rebel Moon follows army deserter Kora (Sofia Boutella) and peaceful farmer Gunnar (Michiel Huisman) as they assemble a force capable of protecting a small town from the sneering Atticus Noble (Ed Skrein). A series of familiar troupes refurbished with Snyder’s visual zeal follows. There’s nothing here you haven’t seen before, but that doesn’t make Rebel Moon any less enjoyable. Aside from a confusing backstory — something about a slain king? — it’s remarkable how straightforward the plot is.
Rebel Moon didn’t blow me away the way I hoped it would, but I was captivated from start to finish and excited to see A) the R-rated Director’s Cut and B) the second part, which hits Netflix in April 2024. As constructed, this PG-13 cut feels incomplete, with key characters — notably Djimon Hounsou’s General Titus — tossed aside to achieve a tighter runtime.
5) 300 (2006)
Snyder’s claim to fame arrived with 2006’s ultra-violent adaptation of Frank Miller and Lynn Varley’s comic series 300. The film is a fictionalized retelling of the Battle of Thermopylae, where 300 Spartans, led by King Leonidas (Gerard Butler), faced overwhelming odds against the massive Persian army led by King Xerxes I.
Snyder lovingly reproduces the comic, including the Spartans’ impressive six packs, crafting eye-popping visuals and violent set pieces ripe with slow motion and buckets of digital blood. You’ll be surprised at how far he stretches the modest $65M budget. As typical, Snyder doesn’t hold back, delivering wild sex scenes, heavy adult content, and the type of bizarro violence that would ultimately define his career, for better or worse.
4) Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)
After all these years, I still don’t get the hate for BvS. Sure, the plot is needlessly convoluted, and Snyder’s aggressively dark tone gets tiresome. Still, Snyder delivers a complex deconstruction of the superhero mythos that builds towards a rousing finale chock full of the type of large-scale action I dreamed about as a kid. His examination of Batman (Ben Affleck) as a disillusioned warrior in dire need of a positive jolt is unique. At the same time, his iteration of Superman (Henry Cavill), himself a hero seeking purpose in a world that fears him, deserves more props than it receives — if only because he gives the character a mythical, worthwhile journey to traverse. When these two titans battle, there are genuine stakes.
Snyder approaches his heroes with a straight face. Unlike Marvel, he’s not embarrassed by these god-like beings. There are no quippy one-liners, pratfalls, or gags. Every action carries a consequence.
While the screenplay — penned by Chris Terrio and David S. Goyer — could have been a little more straightforward, the overarching narrative trumps the negatives. In lesser hands, BvS could have been a silly, cynical cash grab. In Snyder’s hands, it’s an ambitious, sometimes overwhelming, blockbuster that never fails to entertain.
3) Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Snyder’s first foray into the zombie genre resulted in a terrific combination of horror and dark comedy, thanks to James Gunn’s terrific screenplay. The story follows a group of survivors, led by Sarah Polley’s Ana, as they attempt to navigate a zombie apocalypse from within the confines of an abandoned shopping mall. Snyder delivers a motley crew of distinct characters played by Ving Rhames, Jake Weber, Ty Burrell, and Mekhi Phifer, among others, and tosses them into a series of wild escapades, each more outlandish than the next. The results aren’t subtle and often coated with stomach-churning gore, but few zombie films entertain like Dawn of the Dead — a dazzling thriller that ups the ante in more ways than one.
2) Man of Steel (2013)
Superman (Henry Cavill) is about as far removed from Christopher Reeve as a quiet library from a rock concert. Both achieve their respective visions, but Snyder’s iteration is far more complex, repurposing the Man of Steel as a world-traveling loner afraid to unveil his extraordinary powers out of fear of the consequences they will bring. He grapples with the ideologies of his two fathers. Jor-El (Russell Crowe) believes his son can inspire hope and use his powers to improve humanity. Jonathan Kent (Kevin Costner) doesn’t think the world is ready for a superman and urges his son to conceal himself until the right moment. It’s an exciting examination of two different perspectives that ultimately have the same goal to save the world.
Viewers willing to embrace Snyder’s vision will enjoy a unique and ambitious superhero experience that doesn’t adhere to comic book conventions. Even at its worst — that goofy tornado scene notwithstanding — Man of Steel soars higher than most comic book films and delivers the kind of impressive disaster epic that defined Hollywood in the 1970s.
1) Zack Snyder’s Justice League (2021)
Zack Snyder’s Justice League is big, bold, full of heart, and incredible action. WB made a huge mistake abandoning Snyder’s vision. While his pictures may not have achieved Marvel-levels of success, audiences would have embraced Justice League enough to warrant a continuation of the saga.
The League is a ragtag group of fallen/disillusioned warriors that come together to stop an invading threat from global annihilation. Batman feels remorse for the hand he played in Superman’s death and traverses the world in search of means to stop Steppenwolf and Darkseid’s attack. His quest leads to Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Flash, and Cyborg dealing with personal tragedy/flaws. Mostly, they struggle to live up to their mantras as protectors of the realm but eventually achieve something extraordinary with the help of their newfound friends.
No, ZSJL isn’t perfect. A few plot points remain underdeveloped, but Snyder’s grand design overpowers the flaws and results in a rousing superhero epic.
:format(webp):no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/4204889/12442979094_e1dc999015_b.0.jpg)
:format(webp):no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/8210025/girl_and_the_goat.0.jpg)
:format(webp):no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/15409575/momotaro.0.0.1434839990.jpg)
:format(webp):no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/22847747/DSC_9288_1.jpg)
:format(webp):no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/7050343/gtprime_0916-4426.0.jpg)
:format(webp):no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/18305801/cabra.jpg)
:format(webp):no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/6240779/DDG_1.0.0.jpg)
:format(webp):no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/6695257/SwiftandSons_interior.0.jpg)
:format(webp):no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/19217879/GALDOPHOTO_Hoxton_26Mar2019_HG0019.jpg)
:format(webp):no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/24468290/Itoko_Febuary_2023_Scallops_1.jpg)
:format(webp):no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/15640299/momotaro.0.0.1503491459.jpg)
:format(webp):no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/23034790/GGs_Food_Sandwich_March_2020_03.09.2020_8.JPG)
:format(webp):no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/24566799/Little_Goat_Diner_March_2023_Burger_6.jpg)
:format(webp):no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/23985931/Swift_Sons_tavern_oysters_1.jpeg)
