Once you’re engaged, it’s time to plan the wedding. But in between deciding on a florist and hiring a caterer, there are some other important, more soul-focused things you should add to your pre-wedding to-do list. Let’s take a look at five things you should do while you’re engaged:Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/PeopleImages
Olivia Lauren
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It’s hard living with a mental illness. Every day seems to present a new, impossible task in your face. You can feel that two strides forward are only followed by a mile leaped backward. Of course, you also have the cynics. These individuals believe that mental illness is a “cop-out” or dramatized by those who suffer. Fighting the illness and the voice of those who doubt can be an overwhelming task to face alone.
However, imagine the emotional strain felt by those who love individuals with a mental illness. They have to protect their wellbeing while simultaneously supporting and looking after the one they love.
I believe we have a surplus of mental health advocates–as we should. But I want to advocate for those behind the scenes. Those who carry burdens that are not their own and fight wars waged by others.
I was 16 years old when I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I felt that taking medicine would make me weak and weird, so I remained unmedicated until my mom convinced me that taking meds would only aid my life, not hinder it. While anxiety was challenging enough, it was not until I was in my 20s that I discovered I have multiple forms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And while I still do not fully understand what this means sometimes, I lean on the grace and understanding of Jesus. I am blessed with gifts from the Lord that include supportive family, friends, and fiancé.
Because I am thankful for these people, I want to show their side, how they see mental illness and their loved ones who battle it. To do this, I interviewed individuals who are in a relationship with someone who is fighting a mental illness. For starters, I interviewed my fiancé:
What mental illness does your partner have?
“Very bad anxiety and OCD.”
This question may seem overly simple. Kind of like, “Wow, he knows what’s wrong. Give him a gold star.” But y’all, it is so refreshing to have a man so freely and openly not only accept but learn about things that don’t affect him personally. Ladies, if your partner does not want to learn more about your problems and help you fix them, do not settle.
What does your partner’s mental illness mean for them?
“She doesn’t feel like she can be loved like someone who doesn’t have these mental illnesses, that she is loved different because of these illnesses.”
(As I am the person he is talking about, I can honestly say that he hit the nail on the head. Those who suffer with an “invisible illness” can often feel that the love offered to them is cushioned, different, or even strenuous.)
“She is constantly on guard and protective of herself because she doesn’t want the illness to cause any hurt to anyone.”
Again, he hit the nail on the head. Mental illnesses ail so many people. Loving others while suffering with a mental illness can be fearful. You know how it affects you, and you do not want others to be hurt by you as well.
How do you handle their mental illness?
“I don’t ‘handle’ it. It affects her, so I just love her. I am very mindful of how I word things and how it can trigger OCD.”
First, let me just brag on my man. He immediately made it a point for me to understand that he does not “handle” my anxiety and OCD. It is not an inconvenience to him. Again ladies, don’t settle.
Second, to those who suffer, please take the time to appreciate your loved ones. They have taken the time to learn about your illness and then learn about your individual triggers. This takes time, as well as patience. They then are taking the time to learn how to rethink their regular vernacular in order to make you more comfortable.
How do you love them differently due to their mental illness?
“I don’t show her love differently. I feel like when you show love differently it puts strain on them by making them think they are not worth normal love. In reality, there is only one love, and that’s from Jesus. So, there is only one Love you can truly show them, Jesus.”
How can you love someone whose brain you don’t understand? Show them Jesus. Yes, there are varying factors in each relationship, especially mental illness. But there is only one Love to show people, and that is being a reflection of Jesus.
When has their mental illness brought something positive into your relationship?
“If you know how to communicate when your partner is triggered, then it grows the relationship and you learn more about each other throughout each conversation.”
When the right person comes into your life, you can take things like mental illnesses and use them as a chance to grow as a couple. You can learn more about each other than you already do.
I write this to encourage you, dear reader. Whether you suffer from an illness unseen or you love an individual who does, the way you respond means more than you know.
To those who suffer, know that it is not easy for others to understand what is going on in your head. You have to take the time and effort to explain your thoughts. No matter how wonderful your partner is, they will not be able to understand your triggers, compulsions, and symptoms until you explain them. And while it can be difficult to walk back through the valley and relive your hardest times, the person you love is worth the patience. I promise it is worth it to let those God placed in your life behind your walls. If you have spent time in the Father’s presence and you know that this person is here to support you through it all, show them patience and let them in. You won’t regret it.
To those who love the sufferer, I cannot describe how much your patience, love, and support mean to your loved one. Sometimes, the only thing that can pull your partner out of an episode or downward spiral is someone they trust sitting with them and pulling/coercing them back into reality. You are a gift and a blessing.
You show the love of Jesus when you show grace and compassion, patience, and the willingness to learn. The Great Physician works in mysterious ways. And while there is no cure for my Anxiety or my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, there is a medicine provided that eases the pain. It comes in the form of love and support shown by those who relentlessly battle an invisible disease that ails many. Loneliness is replaced with companionship, fear is overtaken by bravery, and it all points to the gracious God we serve.
Dear friend, don’t give up on your loved ones who suffer. And dear sufferer, don’t push away those who take the time to show you love.
Thank you, friend, for loving us as Jesus would desire. And thank you, sufferer, for keeping up the fight.
Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Frank Mckenna
Olivia Lauren is a graduate student passionate about Scripture, particularly the Book of Romans showcasing God’s grace. Outside her studies, she enjoys teaching her dog new tricks and finding quicker ways to silence the smoke alarm after trying a new recipe.
Olivia Lauren
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I am truly so happy for you. You get to live life with only the common fears and worries that come with reality being reality. You do not have to suffer through the irrational “what if’s” that loom constantly in the back of my mind. I know you still fight through worries and trials, but you seem to have a better grip on how to control your fear response than I do. And that genuinely makes me happy for you.
However, I ask that you stop viewing my anxiety as a flaw. I am not broken. I am not cracked. I am not fragile. I so appreciate your attempts to protect me and help me, but I am stronger than what you might think. You see, every day from dusk till dawn my brain is in fight-or-flight. At any moment I can offer you five different scenarios on how things could go drastically wrong. It takes a strong person to constantly inhabit this kind of space and thought.
There are days when I do ask that you be gentle and patient with me. I am not claiming to have perfect strength and resilience; I am only human. But I ask that you show the patience and understanding that you would a toddler learning about the world around her and how to take steps through it. With these precious humans, we are gentle and we are patient. However, we do not assume that they are weak only because they are learning. We do not comment to them about how we are already cushioning all of their life experiences because we don’t think that they can handle the hard times without us. We speak life into them. We encourage their steps, and we encourage their falls, and we never view their learning experiences as flaws.
Sometimes my fears and worries seem to overtake me. They seem this way because it is the truth. The thoughts seem to encompass all of the earth around me. But that does not mean I give in to them. Every day, I lean on Jesus a little more. And then, like a human, I stray away, thinking I have gained control over this “worry thing.” And then, the peaceful and loving arms of Jesus welcome me back when I find myself in tears on the bathroom floor.
I so appreciate your desire to help me and love me through hard times. I desire to be just as much of a rock and support system to you as well, friend. But sometimes all I need is for someone to listen to the fears and the worries and sit with me in the “what if’s.” I do not need you to try and tell me everything will be okay when it might not be. I just need you to gently support me through the battles of life, without looking at me in pity.
And yes, I take medicine in the morning to help me balance the chemicals in my brain that seem to run in fear. But no, the medicine is not a centrical part of who I am. It is simply an aid to who I know I am meant to be. Please do not assume that I am defined by a prescription. Taking a pill takes up 5 seconds of all 86,400 seconds in my day. While I have no problem sharing my story, especially to help others, I do not like to use my dear friend Sertraline as a crutch or an excuse. Therefore, I ask that you do not treat it as such as well.
I know this can seem both confusing and redundant. You are probably asking why I am saying that I can find myself overcome with fears, yet I am okay. I am telling you to be gentle, but no too gentle. But think of Jesus and His disciple, Thomas. When Jesus rose from the grave, Thomas was in disbelief. He claimed that he needed to see the scars of Jesus and even touch them in order to believe the Savior had truly risen again.
“A week later, the disciples were gathered in a house when Jesus appeared to them. He first offered them peace, and then told Thomas to put his hands on His side. Then, Jesus spoke, ‘Stop doubting and believe’” (John 21:24-29).
Jesus never told Thomas he was less of a disciple because he doubted. So please, do not tell me I am less of a faithful follower of Christ because of my doubts. As Jesus offered Thomas peace and comfort without looking at him in disdain, I ask you to do the same.
I am not my anxiety. I am my own person with my own thoughts, feelings, and opinions. I do not revolve around my anxiety, though sometimes it seems to revolve around me. But please recognize the difference. I orbit around Jesus; my fears orbit around me. The neat thing about this solar pattern is that as I circle the Christ, I force my fears, doubts, and worries to do the same. When I bow at the feet of Jesus, my anxious thoughts have no choice but to bow with me. I look to you for comfort, yes, but not for wholeness or fixing. I know the Ultimate Healer already, and He is not intimidated or fearful of my thoughts.
I also ask that you never feel as though you cannot talk to me. Yes, I struggle with battles that I have said you might not understand. But I know that you struggle with wars I will never fight. I can offer you a unique perspective. Honestly, I have learned to harvest my anxious thoughts and turn them into a type of trouble-shooting defense tactic. So, if you need someone to walk through possibilities and scenarios, I’m your girl.
I write all of this in hopes that I do not seem ungrateful. Your support in any form means the world to me. And you are so brave for attempting to understand and navigate the complications of my thoughts. You are so kind for sitting in them with me while I try and figure them out. Because of all of this, I never want you to think that I do not love and appreciate both you and your efforts.
I write this instead to say that you do not have to tip-toe around me. You will not break me if you lean on me. In all actuality, you help me grow when you force me to walk through my fears and “what if’s” instead of shielding me from them.
My battle is anxiety. And you help me fight. Whatever your battle may be, I plan to stand in battle next to you as well.
So, this is both a thank you letter and a release form. Thank you for your friendship and for simply being you. And please release yourself from the responsibility of shielding me. Again, I won’t break, and I am not sick. You do not have to stand guard. Give me the space to be strong.
I love you, dear friend, and I thank God every day for you in this life.
Love,
Your Anxious Friend
Photo Credit: ©swn
Olivia Lauren is a graduate student passionate about Scripture, particularly the Book of Romans showcasing God’s grace. Outside her studies, she enjoys teaching her dog new tricks and finding quicker ways to silence the smoke alarm after trying a new recipe.
Olivia Lauren
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The Bible speaks very highly of wisdom. King Solomon sought it above all other things. But what exactly is wisdom? For the longest time, I thought wisdom was obtained by years spent on this earth. However, I have learned that while the time one spends on earth can add to their wisdom, a person’s experiences are what truly shift the pendulum from “smart” to “wise.”
My grandmother, Bonnie Sue (a.k.a. Maw Maw), met the Lord on Sunday night in February 1961. Since then, she has had many experiences at the feet of Jesus. Her biblical knowledge expands far beyond many scholars, and her conviction in God’s truth is what gives me hope for our world.
I think everyone could use some of Maw Maw’s wisdom, both biblical and non-biblical. Therefore, I sat down with her to share her nuggets of truth with you, dear reader:
“What advice would you give women in their 20’s?”
Mawmaw quickly told me that women in their 20s needed to do three things. “Get all the education you can. Establish a foundation for a great future, and be independent.” While I was growing up, my Maw Maw always told me to fiercely pursue my education. She emphasized how learning a skill or obtaining a degree could ensure that a woman could succeed in a man’s world.
Secondly, women in their 20s should “Hold on to very high moral standards”. So often in today’s culture, women are encouraged to compromise their morality and modesty in order to succeed. Whether this success is climbing the corporate ladder, attracting the attention of men, or finding friends, Maw Maw wants to ensure that all women know that their worldly success and approval aren’t worth compromising morality.
Finally, Mawmaw wanted all 20-year-olds to “Enjoy life—you won’t ever be 20 again”. This beautiful and chaotic decade of your life is meant for you to make mistakes. You are not supposed to know what you are doing next. No matter how put-together another may look, no one has their life figured out before 30. So, enjoy being in a decade where you are allowed and expected to make mistakes, change your mind, and adventure. Enjoy and praise Jesus for your health and your youth. Your 20s are the most hectic and capable time of your life. Enjoy the season!
“What Advice Would You Give Women in Their 30’s?”
Let’s be real, your 30’s are the new 20’s. Now is the time to be the cute soccer mom, the independent CEO, the traveling junkie, or whatever else the Lord has led you to! I loved hearing Maw Maw talk about this stage of life. She themed this decade with stability and fierce womanhood. First, women in their 30’s, “Decide exactly what you want out of life and do it.” Yes, friend, it is that simple. Talk to the Lord, pick your path, and with Jesus’ hand in yours, run after it. If your 20’s were a mess, now you get to clean it up. Maybe life doesn’t look anything like what you wanted, so change it. You are still thinking about getting that degree? You still want to open that business? Honey, you aren’t getting any younger. Do. It.
Next, “Make plans for a family, if you desire a family”. Some women don’t seek motherhood; it is not a season that God has called them into. Some struggle with starting a family and are relying on their faith. Some are in the midst of four kids under the age of eight and are overwhelmed. Whomever you may be, Maw Maw and I want you to take a deep breath, say a long prayer, and make a plan. Plan how you will raise your children. Plan and pray for the household you want them to grow up in.
Last, “Start a financial security plan—an IRA or a CD.” Investing is not just for the rich. My grandparents set an exponential financial example. They did not idolize money, but they knew the value of a dollar. They used their financial blessings to invest in my and my sister’s future as well.
“What advice would you give women in their 40’s-50’s?”
I have often heard that women in their 40’s-50’s begin to experience a mid-life crisis, prompting me to ask my Maw Maw how she navigated this life phase with grace, joy, and purpose.
“Start preparing for an empty nest.” My grandparents had two children who both flew from the nest in their 20’s. Maw Maw missed her children being at home, and as any mother, suffered a stage of grief that comes with your children paving their own path and leaving home. Therefore, she says that preparing for that stage of life can better aid in coping. Learning to let go when it’s time can be hard, but it also can be a time to rekindle the romance with your spouse, pick up a new hobby, or travel!
Women in this stage might also want to begin “planning for retirement.” Now, Maw Maw doesn’t just mean planning financially. Retirement is your time for it to be about you again. Life is no longer about climbing the ladder or getting a corporate promotion. You no longer have to pack a diaper bag or worry about soccer practice on the weekends. You can allow yourself to enjoy the life God has blessed you with comprehensively in this season of well-earned rest.
“Enjoy life because it flies after 40.” I think this is a piece of advice everyone could take from Maw Maw. Enjoy the time God has given you because it’s truly a gift.
2 Corinthians 9:8 reminds us of this when it says, “And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.”
“After 52 years of being married, how did you make it?”
In typical Maw Maw fashion, she opened with a “joke.” “Well, be deaf, dumb, and blind.” She might be on to something here… But in all honesty, Maw Maw said that “You care more about each other’s feelings than your own” and “when you don’t like them, go sit down and read your Bible. God will tell you why you will like them.”
Marriage can seem to be a production in modern-day America with all the finances, filmography, and theatrics surrounding the event. Marriage can even seem like a social obligation to keep up with your inner circle or Instagram fans. Perhaps it’s a checklist item to appease the family or get the elderly church ladies off your back. Yet, Maw Maw and Pepa’s marriage outlasted any financial struggle, film, or social pressure I’ve ever seen, proving to be the real thing.
Finally, I want to encourage you, reader, to go to the wise people God has placed in your life, just as I went to Maw Maw to ask for her wisdom on life, career choices, finances, and relationships. He has special people in your life for a reason. They have walked through valleys and mountains you have yet to experience, so listen to them, and take what they say to heart.
Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/fizkes
Olivia Lauren is a graduate student passionate about Scripture, particularly the Book of Romans showcasing God’s grace. Outside her studies, she enjoys teaching her dog new tricks and finding quicker ways to silence the smoke alarm after trying a new recipe.
Olivia Lauren
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First, I want to thank you for proving them wrong. I can’t tell you how many times I was told what I was looking for “just doesn’t exist.” There were moments where I almost threw in the towel and settled for second-rate as I started listening to those who told me I didn’t have to lower my standards, just make them more “realistic.” Yet, you are the most realistic and fairytale-like man I have ever met.
Second, I want to thank you for teaching me how to love. I had always been taught that a man should love a woman the way Christ loves the Church, but I never knew that by loving you, I would learn of the faithfulness, gentleness, patience, and compassion of our Father.
In this world, love is transactional. You give to get, and if the relationship isn’t beneficial one hundred percent of the time, you get left. You’ve taught me that bad days or weeks, or months are okay to have. You have shown me that love does not hinge on performance or what a person can give another person. Instead, it solidifies itself into the deepest, most secretive places of our hearts. It tears down walls to build castles. It fights nightmares to encourage dreams. And it grows roots so that storms can’t blow it away or tear it down. You have shown me that true love, the kind of love that stays, can only originate from the Father. Then, we can share it with others.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would find a man who would not only give me roses and willingly listen to my Taylor Swift fan-girl sessions but would double as a best friend. You sit for hours and listen to me ramble on about life’s drama. You participate in spa nights with me (sometimes un-begrudgingly) when you know I’m not feeling my best. You encourage me to take risks and put myself out there, all while cheering for me in the background. You’re a confidant and lifeline that I only ever prayed would exist.
I also want you to know that I am proud of you. This world is a cruel place. It tears down dreams and runs over those who don’t uphold its sinful standards. Yet somehow, I have seen you walk into the dark parts of this world and let your light shine on those who inhabit the darkness. You never impose judgment, nor do you carry yourself in a boastful manner. You simply walk up to those who are hurting and offer a hand. You reflect the kindness of Jesus so well every day.
Your kindness is something that I have grown to anticipate in every area. No matter how small the gesture or large the inconvenience, you never fail to show others that they have value. You never stop fighting to fill the void of loneliness and misdirection in this world with Jesus’ love. I will forever be proud of who you are and honored to stand by your side.
I want you to know that on the days you feel torn down, I will still be cheering you on. When life seems to have no direction, you can always come to me. I know the best and the worst parts of you. So on the days everyone else gets to see the best of you, I will be there in the crowd of smiling faces. I will be the one cheering the loudest and beaming the brightest. And on the days that everyone sees the worst, I’ll stand in front of you, making sure that no one gets to harm the heart that I have come to know and love so well. I will take the harsh words or sentiments, so you don’t have to. I will always cheer for you, love you, and support you no matter what.
I want to remind you of how capable and wise you are. You have a tenacity for the things that fill you with passion and a tendency to solve rather complicated issues. I believe in you more than anything, and I want you to remember that God is always on your side. There is so little that is in our control, but there is nothing that is out of God’s. Pray big and dream big because I believe our God has big plans for you. I believe He is going to use you in ways that you never thought possible and that are too large for you to fathom right now. Don’t sell yourself short, and don’t put God in a box. Dream the big dream, do the hard work, and then trust that God will take you the rest of the way right into His plan for you.
When we met, I told you it would take me a long time to trust you fully. In all honesty, I expected that to offend you, at the very least. You were not the reason for my lack of trust, but you were the one who was being hurt nay it. Yet, you looked at me with eyes full of compassion and told me that it was okay to be guarded. You insisted that you would show me rather than tell me that I could trust you. As usual, you held strong to your word and slowly taught me that true and pure trust is a beautiful thing that I shouldn’t shy away from but welcome into my life.
Lastly, I just want you to know that I love you. You are the prince I sang with Sleeping Beauty as a little girl. You are the friend I lacked in elementary school. You are the crush that I daydreamed about finding in middle school. You are the confidence boost that I craved in high school. You are the dream come true that I met in college. You are my answered prayer. And you most definitely exist.
Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/monkeybusinessimages
Olivia Lauren is a graduate student passionate about Scripture, particularly the Book of Romans showcasing God’s grace. Outside her studies, she enjoys teaching her dog new tricks and finding quicker ways to silence the smoke alarm after trying a new recipe.
Olivia Lauren
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