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Tag: motherhood

  • 21 Amazing Reasons God Created Grandparents

    21 Amazing Reasons God Created Grandparents

    Grandparents are one of the best things that God created. They bring so much love into our lives and they love our families. Still, God didn’t just create them to spoil our kids. Grandparents have a unique role in the lives of our families and God has created them for some amazing reasons.

    They take joy in their grandchildren and love them no matter what. This doesn’t mean that they approve of everything they do, and most will say something if they don’t, but overall, they love their grandchildren. Also, they always love their adult children and are there for them.

    2. They Anchor the Family

    Grandparents can be the glue that holds families together. When people become parents, they often focus on the immediate members of their families, including their spouse or partner and their other children if they have them.

    They also focus on the immediate needs of their families. However, grandparents help anchor us to where we came from and the legacy of our families.

    3. They Are a Support System

    Grandparents are one of the best support systems we have. They are always there no matter what is going on in our lives with a listening ear or shoulder to cry on.

    4. They Have Wisdom

    With their years of lived experiences, grandparents hold a lot of wisdom to impart to younger generations. Listening to their advice and stories enriches our lives and teaches us what to do in certain situations.

    5. Passing on the Legacy

    Through their stories and advice, grandparents pass on the legacy of our families from generation to generation. This means we will never forget where we came from.

    6. To Teach Us Things

    Our grandparents have many things to teach us and not just about life. They can also teach us to do things like how to cook, bake, sew, change a tire, etc. If your grandparent offers to teach you something, take them up on it. You may need to know how to do it in the future.

    7. Prayer Warriors for Us

    Grandparents are always happy to share their faith and pray for us in any situation. They will always go to God boldly on our behalf, and we can be assured of that.

    8. Prayer Warriors with Us

    Our grandparents are also glad to stand with us in prayer for our situation and for other people’s situations. They have spent many years praying and talking to the Lord about going to war in prayer for other people.

    9. Teach Us about Faith

    Our grandparents may be the first ones to teach us about faith. They do this by taking us to church when we are young, buying us our first Bibles, and taking us to Sunday school.

    10. Model the Christian Life

    They are great at modeling the Christian life for future generations. This includes studying the Bible at home, praying, attending services, loving our neighbors, practicing forgiveness, and helping others.

    11. Tough Love

    Our grandparents, being raised in a different era, are more inclined to employ tough love on our children. Instead of coddling children like is usual in today’s parenting age, they choose to discipline the child, which is also love and teaching right from wrong.

    After all, Proverbs 13:24 says: “Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.”

    12. Lessons about Life

    Our grandparents teach us fantastic lessons about life. Some of these lessons may include if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all, or good things don’t come easy.

    They will be the first to tell us that life may not always go as planned and that we will learn a lot from it, but to still be glad we have breath in our lungs to live it.

    13. To See the Best in Us

    Grandparents always see the best in us, even when we don’t see it in ourselves. They are our champions and our cheerleaders, and that makes all the difference.

    Hearing their encouragement and knowing that they see the good things in us makes all the negativity we may hear disappear.

    14. Model Good Adult Relationships

    The relationship between grandparents and their children should teach children what a good adult relationship looks like. The foundation should always be mutual respect, honesty, and love.

    However, sometimes adults have disagreements, and this will teach children that even good relationships hit rough spots sometimes, but people get through it and move on.

    15. Spoil Their Grandchildren

    Let’s face it, one of the best things grandparents are good at is spoiling their grandchildren. It’s ingrained in them; they love being able to do things for their grandchildren that they couldn’t do for their kids.

    This can include buying them things, taking them places, and having experiences with them to make memories.

    16. Give Undivided Attention

    We always get our grandparent’s undivided attention when we visit, which helps strengthen our bond with them. They love seeing us and hearing about what is going on in our lives and in our kids’ lives.

    17. Second Chances

    Because grandparents are so forgiving, they are often ready to give people in their lives second chances. They know that not forgiving someone is not healthy. In a society where people crucify others for their mistakes, we can learn a lot about forgiveness from our relatives. 

    18. Teach Manners

    Manners have become a lost art in our society, but when our grandparents were young, there were certain ways you acted and ways you didn’t. The role of grandparents is to instill manners in their grandchildren and teach them how to act.

    19. Having Fun

    Spending time with our grandparents is always a fun experience. Whether it’s sharing stories, doing a puzzle, playing board games, or watching a favorite show or movie together, there’s never a dull moment. An amazing way to stay connected to our families is through grandparents.

    20. Grandparents Are a Blessing

    Those fortunate enough to still have their grandparents around should relish their presence. The older people in our lives are blessings to us and our families. They are a source of family history, comfort and support, love, wisdom, and faith.

    They are the pillars of our families and where we came from. We love them, our children love them, and yes, even our pets love them. My boxer dog loved my grandfather on my dad’s side. We should love them and be a blessing to them just as much as they are to us.

    21. Grandparents Help Us

    Our grandparents help us in so many ways, like giving advice, being there to support us, going to war for us in prayer, and watching our children sometimes when we need them to. They love to help their family members and spend time with them every chance they get.

    We serve an amazing God who created so many amazing people to share our lives with. Take some time today and think about how your grandparents have helped you and your children throughout the years.

    Think about all the things they have imparted to your family and what a difference that they make. Then, take some time to call them, text them, email them, or go visit them to say thank you for all the ways they have enriched your life. You will make their day with your appreciation.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Edwin Tan

    Carrie Lowrance

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  • 4 Biblical Promises to Cling to for a Struggling Marriage

    4 Biblical Promises to Cling to for a Struggling Marriage

    1 John 4:17 tells us, “And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.” What stands out in this passage is that as we go about our lives, God is perfecting our ability to love! Loving God and loving others is a journey. We are born with a sin nature that steals our ability to love one another with God’s perfect love. Once we invite Jesus into our lives, we begin to learn a new way to live! One marked by abundant grace, radical forgiveness, and constant growth. 

    I’ve been marinating on this truth because the idea that I’ve failed to love my husband well has weighed heavily on me. Guilt and shame have held me in a sort of purgatory. My pride told me that I should be better than I am. I should not fail in these certain sorts of ways, which held me back from accepting God’s grace. The truth is I am a sinner, and the only way I ever love well is when Christ’s love lives through me. Each day I am growing in his perfect love. Falling short is not a failure; it’s a chance to accept God’s grace and grow in a new way. 

    Thanks to God’s goodness, I have the strength to show up in my marriage again. Open my heart even though it’s been hurt and also has done some hurting. I am able to sit in that counseling session another time because we are still on the journey. The love God has given us is still growing more perfect. I haven’t exhausted all my chances because God’s grace still lives on. He is still rooting for us and willing to teach us more about His freedom and forgiveness. His love for us won’t fail; that’s the promise He makes to us all. 

    Have you felt hopeless, wondering if you’ve hurt the one your soul loves too many times? I’ve been there too. I’ve sat stuck in shame that said I’m breaking my home because something is so broken beyond repair in me. But I stayed, even when I wanted to go. I’ve leaned into God’s promises, and hope is replacing the despair that lived inside of me. 

    Here are some promises for your marriage you can cling to when you feel the only hope that your union will remain together is that God will do a miracle! 

    1. Love Covers Sin

    1 Peter 4:8 says, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” Sin breaks things that God designed to stay together. Sin in marriage drives a wedge between your one flesh. It tugs at your heart and sells you the lie that the grass is greener elsewhere. It invites evil photos into your bedroom. It tells you that you’re worth more and should no longer put up with your imperfect partner. It lies and is the killer of love. 

    But God’s love is greater than our sin! God has given us the victory! Sometimes we can see the sin that gets in the way of our love and feel so very defeated. God promises us that his love is greater than our failings. When we invite him into the dark with us, he finds the light switch and turns on the lights. He shows us the way out, a way marked by grace, and radical forgiveness. God promises that his love is able to cover our sins when we both call out for God’s help in our marriages.

    2. By Grace, We Can Approach Jesus

    Hebrews 4:16 says, “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” God invites us to confidently approach his throne of grace! Wow, what an image. His mercy is available to us when we are feeling overwhelmed by our emotional and relational needs; all we have to do is ask for it. 

    God promises to offer us the grace we need when we are in a time of need. Nothing is impossible with Christ! Do not give up hope for your marriage before going to God’s throne of grace and interceding for your relationship. God’s helping spirit is able to do above and beyond all we could think or imagine. 

    3. God Gives Us the Grace to Forgive

    Mark 11:25 says, “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” To make a marriage work, we have to be willing to offer one million apologies and forgive one million and one times. At times forgiveness and saying sorry again can feel nearly impossible! The weight of the failures we bring to our relationships can get crushingly heavy. Yet, God promises that if we pray and forgive, he also will forgive us. Forgiveness is a great gift He gives us, the chance to try again each day. It’s the tool we use to grow in our love. 

    4. God Walks with Us

    John 15:14-15 says, “You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing, but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.” Jesus was called Immanuel, meaning God with us. He told his disciples they were more than his followers or servants; they were his friends. God walks with us on this marriage journey. He strengthens us along the way. 

    When we feel weak, unsure, and out of ideas, God is there with us. In moments I’ve felt out of strength in my marriage, I’ve learned to go to God. To ask him to walk with me and show me his ways. To change our hearts towards one another and heal our hurts. He always shows us the next step forward. 

    When we are struggling, it’s important to seek God and others for wisdom. If you are in an abusive situation, God never desires you to stay. He wants you to find help, health, and safety. We have to trust Him with each season of our lives together. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/PeopleImages 

    Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. She has most recently published a devotional, Comfort: A 30 Day Devotional Exploring God’s Heart of Love for Mommas. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.

    Amanda Idleman

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  • When Should Christians Seek Divorce?

    When Should Christians Seek Divorce?

    Divorce is typically not the end most couples have in mind when they walk down the aisle, though nearly half of all first marriages are said to end in divorce.

    Today, we live in a society where it can be relatively easy to get married and then, for almost any reason, get divorced. In some states in America, it can take a few days to a month to file and finalize a divorce, while other states have a far longer and more complex process.

    Christians, however, typically do not enter a marriage covenant lightly — nor do they attempt to end one without serious forethought and very good reason. Yet many who are contemplating divorce struggle with whether they can or should do so. They worry they will be kicked out of their church for getting divorced, or they are subjected to extreme pressure to stay together in spite of serious, even dangerous, circumstances.

    Many of us have heard “God hates divorce,” a sentence that comes from Malachi 2:16, one of the Old Testament prophetic books. Some translations state this directly, though others only imply it, and it comes from a passage where God is speaking to his prophet about the woeful state of marital relations among the Israelites of that day. While debate exists about whether that sentence even appears in the original Hebrew manuscripts of God’s Holy Word, God does express disappointment about and dislike of divorce.

    And we know divorce is not what God intended when he created man and woman and gave them to each other to be “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

    This begs the question: What does the Bible say about divorce? What did Jesus say about divorce? And when should Christians seek divorce, if at all?

    Let’s take a look at what Scripture tells us about divorce.

    What Is Divorce?

    A divorce is the process of terminating a marriage. Typically, the dissolution of marriage is a decree issued by a court under the rule of law in that country or state.

    The word “divorce” also appears throughout the Bible with seemingly the same meaning. Its first mention comes in Leviticus 21 and 22, and there are mentions throughout the Old Testament, both in the Torah and the books of major and minor prophets, as well as throughout the New Testament.

    The Old Testament was written in Hebrew, and the Hebrew word for “divorced” is garas, also meaning banished, expelled, driven out, or cast aside. The Hebrew word for “divorce” is salah, meaning to send out or send away, let go (as in a marriage relationship), release, or thrust out. Another word, kerithuth, means the official divorce decree, something in writing.

    In Greek, the language of the New Testament, the word for divorce is apolyo (send away or release) or apostasion (certificate of divorce). Another word for this is aphiemi, meaning cancel, let go, desert, or abandon.

    Divorce in those days typically meant that the law (both God’s law and human law) allowed for a marriage relationship to be cancelled or terminated and the woman could be released or sent away. The Bible doesn’t specify precise terms of this “cancellation,” such as whether the woman would have any rights or monetary protection or on what grounds this could occur, but we do know it did occur.

    When and Why Did Divorce Originate?

    As with most issues discussed in the Old Testament, divorce was included in Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy because God cared for his people and wanted to be sure his people were fairly treated. He knew sometimes marriages did not work, and he wanted to make sure his people understood fair treatment of others was important to him. He wanted to ensure divorced women could reenter their father’s homes and have protection and a family once more (Leviticus 22), but that divorced women were not considered proper spouses for priests (Leviticus 21).

    Much later, in Matthew 19, Jesus explained that divorce was not God’s original intent for men and women but rather a solution God offered because of the people’s stubborn and obstinate hearts. As he noted, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning” (Matthew 19:8).

    Clearly, divorce is not God’s preference or something he likes, but rather something he permitted as a way to provide for his people who were suffering.

    What Did God Say about Divorce?

    Beyond establishing laws about divorce, God also said a few things about divorce.

    First, he spoke about it in a relatively negative way, implying divorce occurs when a man “dislikes” his wife or she becomes “displeasing” to him (Deuteronomy 24:1-4).

    To the prophet Jeremiah, God expressed displeasure about his people’s fickle hearts, equating it with divorce and therefore implying his distaste for divorce. As he said, “I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries” (Jeremiah 3:8).

    In the Book of Malachi, we find the strongest Old Testament expression about divorce. God expressed displeasure in this book about the many ways his people were going astray and displeasing him. In addition to faulty sacrifices, withholding tithes, marrying women who worshipped false gods, and being generally disrespectful to the Lord, the people were getting divorced without proper grounds. In the Torah, God specified the people could get divorced for adultery (Deuteronomy 24:1) or abuse (Exodus 21:10-11). Yet now, men were divorcing without good reason, and God was not happy about this.

    As God said, “Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth. ‘The man who hates and divorces his wife,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘does violence to the one he should protect,’ says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful” (Malachi 2:15-16).

    What Did Jesus Say about Divorce?

    God also spoke through his son, Jesus. We know Jesus, as the Word that became flesh (John 1:14), is also God, part of the holy trinity — Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, three in one.

    And Jesus had strong words about divorce.

    In his Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, “makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (Matthew 5:32).

    Later, when questioned by the Pharisees, Jesus talks about how marriage between a man and a woman was God’s plan at the beginning, as two became united as one flesh. “Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate,” Jesus said (Matthew 19:6).

    He further added, expressing displeasure about divorce on improper grounds, “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery” (Matthew 19:9).

    It’s important to note that the Greek word translated here as “sexual immorality” is porneia, and it includes more than sexual immorality but also spiritual immorality, fornication, greed, lust, and other improper marital intimacy. Therefore, scholars also agree this word applies to spousal abuse.

    So bottom line: Unless it’s for reasons of abuse, adultery, or other marital immoralities and perversions, Jesus is saying that divorce is wrong.

    When Should Christians Seek Divorce?

    But it’s also important to note that people in adulterous, immoral, abusive, or otherwise improper marriages are not stuck and condemned to a lifetime of cruel suffering.

    God is a loving Father, and he allows divorce when people are in terrible situations like this. While he acknowledges this is not his preference, and that he prefers a man and woman to join as one flesh, when this union is perverted, corrupted, or distorted in some way, he allows divorce as a protective measure.

    Therefore, a woman or man who is experiencing abuse, adultery, or other wrongful marital situations may free themselves from the bonds of this union.

    What about Remarriage?

    Jesus has harsh words about remarriage: “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (Luke 16:18).

    When his disciples note that perhaps it’s better not to marry in the first place, Jesus says, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. … The one who can accept this should accept it.”

    Read more about this important question here: What Does the Bible Say about Remarriage?

    What if the Divorce or Remarriage is Not Considered “Proper”?

    Of course, sometimes Christians find themselves in situations where they are divorced yet there was no porneia, no improper marital circumstances. Sometimes, they divorce simply because they have fallen out of love or for some other reason they know to be not in line with the Lord’s provision or liking.

    Other times, they have divorced and remarried and now — maybe even years later — they find themselves convicted that perhaps they behaved sinfully in one or the other area.

    If this is the case, as with any other conviction of sin, a person should repent wholeheartedly, then devote themselves to living in accordance with God’s will from now on. That is, they should not seek to dissolve the new marriage but rather commit themselves wholly to the union and strive not to sin again.

    And for those who divorced and remarried before they came to Christ, the important thing is to understand that from now on, they are to live in accordance with the will of the Lord. For instance, in the early church, circumcision was a big controversy. Many insisted new converts should be circumcised, yet this was not a typical cultural practice for many Greeks and others and quite off-putting for many. The apostles determined we are saved through God’s grace alone.

    As the apostle Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:20, “Each person should remain in the situation they were in when God called them.”

    Just as with the issue of circumcision, those who are remarried can rest in the knowledge that God understands and accepts us as we are — so long as we strive to repent and follow his commands from here on out.

    As Jesus told the adulterous woman in John 8:11, “Go and sin no more.”

    Remember: God loves us. His original plan is perfect and holy. But even when we go astray, we are welcomed into his kingdom when we repent and believe.

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Martin Barraud

    Jessica Brodie is an award-winning Christian novelist, journalist, editor, blogger, and writing coach and the recipient of the 2018 American Christian Fiction Writers Genesis Award for her novel, The Memory Garden. She is also the editor of the South Carolina United Methodist Advocate, the oldest newspaper in Methodism. Her newest release is an Advent daily devotional for those seeking true closeness with God, which you can find at https://www.jessicabrodie.com/advent. Learn more about Jessica’s fiction and read her faith blog at http://jessicabrodie.com. She has a weekly YouTube devotional and podcast. You can also connect with her on Facebook,Twitter, and more. She’s also produced a free eBook, A God-Centered Life: 10 Faith-Based Practices When You’re Feeling Anxious, Grumpy, or Stressed

    Jessica Brodie

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  • 3 Ways to Find Healing After Divorce

    3 Ways to Find Healing After Divorce

    It is amazing to me how God divinely orchestrates our path. At just the right time, in just the right place, He has a way of arranging encounters with just the right people. This has been my experience throughout my writing journey with this topic of finding healing after divorce. I have been entrusted with opportunities I consider “God winks” to share my testimony of finding healing after my own divorce in conversations with women who are currently going through a divorce or are newly divorced.

    I know the devastation of divorce. I understand the hurt and pain that cannot be articulated with words. I also bear witness to the fact that God can make beauty from ashes. When we are open to releasing our fragile hearts back to God, in exchange, we receive healing accompanied by joy, restoration, peace, and hope.

    We read these words of comfort from Isaiah 61:3 (NLV): “To those who have sorrow in Zion I will give them a crown of beauty instead of ashes. I will give them the oil of joy instead of sorrow, and a spirit of praise instead of a spirit of no hope. Then they will be called oaks that are right with God, planted by the Lord, that He may be honored.”

    When you are in the thicket of loss, grief, and ashes, imagining that any beauty can emerge can be difficult. After all, no two people ever enter a marriage with the goal of getting a divorce. Despite the varying dynamics that may test the relationship’s solidity, the intention is always to have a marriage that endures the test of time. When divorce occurs, it can literally feel as if you are grieving the death of a person who is no longer physically present with you.

    Yet, God is always with us. God is always present in our lives. God always cares about what concerns us. Never far removed, but as the psalmist in Psalm 46:1 (ESV) reminds us, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” We can cling to the fact that God promises never to leave or forsake us, no matter what life throws at us. And yes, even the reality of divorce.

    Sweet friend, I want you to take heart today in the all-sufficiency of Jesus. May this moment be your reminder you are still God’s beloved. He still has a plan for your life, and it is beautiful. God can redeem all things, even the trauma of divorce. There is healing after the havoc it reeks. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy always comes in the morning (see Psalm 30:5). The sun will shine again in your world. You will live again, laugh again, and maybe even love again. By God’s grace, you will know what it means to authentically smile from the inside out. And just maybe, you will also genuinely shed happy tears of joy and gratitude as you realize God wastes nothing.

    As I reflect upon being “single again” for twenty years now, I can testify without reservation that Ecclesiastes 3:11 is true: “He has made everything beautiful in its time…” I am living proof that God has a wonderful way of making all things new and causing everything to work together for our good and His marvelous glory. If you find yourself navigating the torrential waters of divorce, look to Jesus – not other substitutes or distractions – but look to Jesus. He promises to be your peace amid the storm. I am praying for your healing because I know God to be a healer in my life. Divorce is not too big, hard, or complicated for God to handle. Give yourself grace, patience, and kindness daily as you walk through your healing. Rest in the confidence that God has got you in His hands. You remain in His grip, and He will not let you go.

    I am honored to share some application that has helped me, and I sincerely pray it will be a blessing to you too. Here are three practical ways you can participate in your healing process as you journey through and navigate the aftermath of divorce.

    1. Take Time for Yourself

    Photo credit: ©shironosov

    You need time to slow down and process. Allow yourself to adjust your pace in this new season and simplify your lifestyle. You need time to acknowledge your feelings (hurt, anger, resentment, betrayal, disappointment, rage, etc.) to yourself and God. And by the way, God is big enough to handle your most real, raw feelings.

    You need time to be alone with your thoughts and not be flooded with the opinions or expectations of others. Part of processing involves self-reflection and evaluating what you did wrong as a spouse, not just your partner. We must be willing to be honest about how we contributed to the condition of the failed marriage and own it. A real assessment will involve transparency regarding what we could have or should have done differently and what lessons we are learning so that we will not repeat them again.

    As you take time for yourself, do not fall for the enemy’s deceit that influences you to turn away from God. Instead, run to God! Choose to be better, not bitter. Divorce calls vulnerability to the surface, but we must call upon the name of the Lord to rescue us. When we turn to God, He is faithful to strengthen and deliver us.

    Psalm 18:1-2 (NKJV) tells us, “I will love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” 

    Taking time for yourself is not about living on your own terms but living intentionally with complete dependence upon and trust in your God. He will never cease to be our Savior and Lord. Nevertheless, we must remain open (heart and mind) and yield to the leadership of the Holy Spirit that desires to guide us and help us every step of the way.

    2. Seek Godly Support

    person in counseling, should christians get psychiatric counseling

    Photo credit: Getty Images/StockRocket

    Although taking time for yourself is essential, it does not mean living in isolation. We all need community, especially when going through a tough time. Divorce is a significant life change that impacts every part of you – present and future. Having the right spiritual influences through pastoral counseling, Christian counseling, divorce care support groups, divorce small group Bible studies, and trusted Godly friends and mentors will make all the difference as you go through one of the hardest moments of your life. The people God connects us to through these various influences are often instrumental in our healing. They are the vessels God uses to facilitate our healing in one regard or another.

    Embrace the people who are positioned to walk this road with you. Those God has connected you to will truly love you throughout your healing process by speaking the truth to you in love. They will have a heart of compassion and empathy for your unique circumstances. They will be sensitive to the Spirit of God and allow their words and actions to be saturated with grace and wisdom. They will be the hands and feet of Jesus that demonstrate His heart for you. They will help to bring perspective and remind you, “This too shall pass.” Embrace your God-ordained tribe (or find your people) that will push you through and cheer you on to the other side of your victory.

    3. Wait to Date

    As tempting as it may be, wait before you start dating again. Yes, you will feel lonely after divorce; this is normal. When you integrate your life with another person over any length of time, it feels odd not having someone else around. However, loneliness should not be a motivating factor that leads you to begin dating again.

    In my book, Living My Best Life, a major theme throughout is learning how to embrace God’s gift of singleness. Even when divorce is not something you initiate or desire, once your reality, we have to consider God has a purpose in allowing us to experience being single again. It is easy to lose ourselves or our identity in a marriage. Being single challenges us to seek solace in God alone and find completion in who we are in Him, not our marital status. This is truly a gift to be appreciated and enjoyed.

    I do not recommend starting to date until you have successfully gone through Christian counseling. Focus instead on recalibrating your relationship with God and grounding yourself in Him. Remember, God still has specific assignments that are part of your destiny here on earth. A divorce does not get to cancel out your purpose. You are not damaged goods somehow disqualified because of a divorce. You have a bright future and a beautiful life promised to you right now.

    There are gifts, talents, and abilities God has bestowed upon you that the world needs. So, take this time to fall in love with Jesus all over again, rediscover your God-given purpose, and follow hard after God. Then, when the time comes, your potential love will find you pursuing God, which will be his cue to pursue you.

    You can’t rush ready, and you can’t rush healing. Divorce does not mean you have lost time to make up. You are still on God’s divine calendar. You are not second class or second best, so do not be tricked that you need to jump into a relationship or settle because, somehow, you are running out of time now.

    All of those are lies the devil will try to appeal to you. But you must remember, everything will happen according to God’s perfect will for you. Just let it happen in God’s way. You do not have to manipulate or help God out. Entrust Him with your process, and God will bring it all to pass at the appointed time. God makes all things well with and for us. He heals us so that we are whole. Trust God every step of the way.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Mindful Media

    Crosswalk Writer Patrice BurrellPatrice Burrell Grant is called to lead others to the grace of God, rooted in the truth of Scripture. Championing women to live authentically and pursue God passionately, she is a life coach, speaker, and worship leader who loves the presence of God. She desires to live a lifestyle anchored in spiritual disciplines while cheering on other women to do the same. As a Bible teacher and preacher, she exhorts women to remember their true identity is defined in Christ, not culture. You can connect with Patrice on her blog, Warrior Woman Blog; on social media in her Facebook community, Warrior Women; and on Facebook and Instagram. Patrice is the author of  Warrior Slay, a devotional book on the power of worship and prayer, and Living My Best Life, a Bible study for single women. Soon to be released, her latest work, Be Still My Soul, is a devotional book about cultivating the spiritual disciplines of silence and solitude through daily prayer journaling. Visit Patrice’s website @  www.patriceburrell.com to connect with her and receive weekly encouragement in Christian living.

    Patrice Burrell Grant

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  • 3 Types of Friends You Need

    3 Types of Friends You Need

    Is there anything sweeter than a soul-refreshing friendship? You know the one you can randomly meet up with at a coffee shop, spill your guts, and then receive a warm and understanding hug. Then you have the mom who gives you encouragement and helpful advice when you’re in the trenches of a truly disheartening and difficult season of motherhood. 

    Ahh, sweet friendships. We all need them, right? And yes, we need to be those friends as well. But maybe questions flood your heart. Questions like: What kinds of friend should I truly be searching for? Are there different kinds of friends for various seasons of my life? Does that essentially mean I must change as well?

    Well, my sweet friend, is it okay that I call you that? I know we haven’t officially met, but I have a keen feeling that if I met you over a warm cup of coffee we’d somehow just click. That’s because if you are here (at iBelieve), you are my kind of gal. All that aside, let’s be honest for just a minute, shall we?

    I have had all those questions mentioned above about friendships as well, and more. That’s because relationships with other women aren’t always so cut and dry. Friendships can be tricky and not so easy to navigate. Our emotions and hearts get invested, and we can spend a lot of time with these girls. And sadly, sometimes hurt happens. 

    While people move, some change, and others just aren’t your cup of tea (and that’s okay), there are those who bring on friction, cause confusion, and may bring you to question if they are the “right” kind of friend.

    So, how do we find and keep friends who truly are what the Bible calls “sweet friendships” (Proverbs 27:9)? You know, the sweet friend who doesn’t just “get you” but comes alongside you to love, encourage, and hold you accountable. Not only that but she leads you to grow in your faith and love the Lord with all your heart! 

    Sis, no matter what season you are in, whether you are a single girlie or a mom of college kiddos, there are three types of friends you need (and need to be), starting right now!

    1. The Mentor Friend

    Think the Titus 2 woman. Every woman needs an older (and wiser) faith-filled woman to lean on. The one who has “been there and done that” and can share her pearls of wisdom all while encouraging you to be the woman, wife, and mother God is calling you to be. 

    In Titus 2, 1 Timothy, and 2 Timothy, Paul is giving instructions to the church leaders on how to “train” a younger group of men and women. His message is still loud and clear today, as it is to insinuate that elderly God-fearing women in the church need to lay out an example for the next generation of women.

    These lovely ladies can provide valuable insight on how to stay faithful, be of sober-mind, and remain steadfast under trials while showing characteristics of dignity, self-resect, and godly submission in every aspect of our lives.

    Who wouldn’t want a friend like this? Better yet, who wouldn’t want to be this kind of friend to another?

    As faithful women, we are all called to seek wise counsel in the form of a mentor, as well as be mentors, especially within the Body of Christ (1 Timothy 4:12, 2 Timothy 2:2). As we seek to hold one another up in Christ, with a mindset to shape the next generation, we have the ability to gain some of the sweetest friendships we will ever know all while growing more and more like Christ. 

    2. The Memory-Maker Friend

    Oh, the simply sweet memory-maker friend. As the name implies, a memory-making friend is the one you meet up with and “make memories.” This is your peer, the one who is in the thick of the season you are in, right beside you, cheering you on as if also trying to motivate herself (1 Thessalonians 5:11). You can laugh, cry, scream, vent, and overshare with this girl. She gets it because she is living it too!

    Text this girl to meet at the park in five minutes, she’s there. Chat on the phone in the closet during nap time, she’ll listen. She’s got your back and you’ve got hers. You can go out to the movies and giggle over the cheesy plot or get away for a weekend and have the time of your life. This friend is pretty amazing!

    The truth is that God created us to be relational beings and to be able to do this life together in a relatable and special way. He made friendship for us to commune and fellowship, so when we get together with these dear friends, we reap the benefits tenfold (1 John 1:7, Acts 2:42). Praise God for that!

    That said, these friendships must be built on mutual trust and respect, otherwise tension can ensue, and negative feelings can unravel, creating devastating consequences (Proverbs 16:28). While these friends sadly can come and go in and out of our lives for various reasons, we must treasure the time we have with these dear sisters. All in all, just be the kind of friend you seek and treat these beauties like the real gems that they truly are (Luke 6:31)!

    3. The Meaningful Friend

    This is the well-meaning friend who ever so sweetly tells it like it is. This friend will see your blind spots and be sure to let you know. However, behind her words is a heart of pure gold as she strives to serve and love others through servanthood.

    Need a meal after the new little bundle arrives, she’s got you covered. Have a prayer request, she’s on it! She’ll basically be the one to drop everything she is doing and graciously serve you with an open mind and soft heart. She’s there, always dependable, and her love for Jesus is outwardly evident. 

    A meaningful friend will encourage you by using her own gifts and talents all while supporting and pointing out your beautiful gifts, talents, and attributes. In other words, she wants you to be the best version of yourself and deeply cares about your heart. What a rare thing these days!

    Meanwhile, the most beautiful thing about this friend is her ability to use compassion as a base to develop a relationship. She is quick to show vulnerability, invests time and energy, and is genuine in her approach. This friend is simply lovely inside and out and is intentional, often befriending the lonely and lost.

    So, what type of friends are in your life? Better yet, what type of friend are you?

    A Prayer for Your Friendship

    Lord, thank you for the gift of friendship. Help us look to You and model the example in which You lay out for us in Your Word on how to be a good friend. We want to be a friend who is trustworthy and shows respect and honor to our fellow sisters in Christ. Allow us to find wise friends to learn and grow from while also sharing wisdom when prompted. Give us those dear friends to make memories with and help us be meaningful friends who choose to see the needs of others, serving them with a heart of compassion. We are so thankful that you created us for fellowship and that we can come to You first with a raw and real heart, sharing what we need. Give us hearts to be the kind of friend You want and need us to be. Amen.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Lyndon Stratford

    Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy.  Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.

    Alicia Searl

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  • How True Repentance Brings Sweet Reunions

    How True Repentance Brings Sweet Reunions

    It seems like a whirlwind romance! He picked her up at the airport and took her to his home as a first-time guest. They stayed up all night, catching up on life and sharing memories. They talked about what was to come, grand plans for the future.

    Sounds like a movie or a novel’s plot, right? But this story is about a brother and a sister who live in different states and have grown far apart over the years. With their late dad’s voice running constantly through their minds, saying, “Make sure that you pursue a relationship with your siblings!” they decided to make good on their promise to do so. 

    Cruising for Bruising and Brokenness

    “Bruised” and “broken”—these two words are often associated with trauma or injury, normally when someone sustains a fall or has an accident. Bruising happens when you damage your small blood vessels, with the color changing from dark to light as it starts fading or healing. A broken bone’s telltale signs can include bruising, often marked with pain. It’s intense at times and can include possible deformity or limited range of motion.

    We often describe relationships as bruised or broken—or both. Someone experiences trauma, also known as relational abuse. Mistreatment—either physical, emotional, or mental—begins to cause adverse responses such as anxiety, feelings of shame, and guilt. As the abuser or victim (or both) downplays the circumstance, sweeping it under the rug, the bruising and brokenness intensify over time. It is sometimes difficult to fully recover from this type of injury, but not impossible.

    A Parable of Brokenness

    In the Gospel of Luke, we have the Parable of the Prodigal Son: “There was a man who had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.’ And he divided his property between them. Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living” (15:11-13).

    How often do you hear of a son or a daughter asking for his inheritance before the parent is ready to give it to him or her? And how often do you hear a parent granting his or her child’s request without so much as saying, “I am not even dead yet and you are already collecting! What if I don’t want to give you anything?”

    But the father in Jesus’ parable did exactly the unexpected. He divided his property between his two children and gave his younger son his share. He didn’t question his son’s motivation or have any wise words such as, “Don’t squander what I worked hard for!” He didn’t even advise, “I hope you use your inheritance as an investment for a healthy financial future.” 

    The son packed up and left, enjoying the wealth he could personally control. However, he destroyed himself, living the high life.

    How much bruising and brokenness happened in this family? First, we have the father. He had to deal with the younger son’s request of giving his inheritance earlier than necessary. It must have broken his heart for his younger son’s choice to live a life without accountability! As for the younger son? He got his free pass! He couldn’t care less about hurting anyone’s feelings. He left to pursue his own path, leaving his family with a broken heart!

    “Choices Have Consequences”

    “And when [the younger son] had spent everything, a famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his field to feed pigs. And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything” (Luke 15:14-16).

    We have heard the saying, “Choices have consequences.” Here we are in the story of when the younger son already lost all his inheritance from his irresponsible lifestyle. And his life took an even harder turn with a famine. He knew he had fallen into a deep pit when the pigs on his job site were fed better than him. His undignified life and miserable state were sure signs of his brokenness.

    But let’s go back to the opening story of the brother and sister. We can surmise that their choice not to pursue a relationship for many years was an easy one for them. After all, they live in different states. “Out of sight, out of mind!” as the saying goes. When the sister would visit their father, it was about a father-daughter moment, not a family gathering. The lackadaisical attitude on the brother’s part was perceived to be him not wanting a relationship with her. And since there was no real communication between them, there was no bond established. This might sound like a relational blunder that could be shrugged off… but what if the sister didn’t know Christ and the brother did? This creates new stakes in the importance of maintaining healthy relationships.

    We are often participants—consciously or not—in bruising and breaking events, either excusing ourselves from responsibility for our shortcomings that impact others or allowing others to inflict their questionable and problematic behaviors on us. So how do we recover from trauma and move on?

    A Sweet Reunion

    “But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.” And he arose and came to his father” (Luke 15:17-19).

    A wake-up call! Admitting to himself that he, the younger son, was not in good shape, his decision to go back to his father’s house and to ask for his father’s forgiveness were his first steps to recovery from his self-inflicted trauma. In his honest and humble reflection, he didn’t feel worthy to be his father’s son, a man who should enjoy the riches his father still owns. He was willing to be treated as a servant. He knew he was at the bottom of the totem pole.

    “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him… The father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to celebrate” (Luke 15:20, 22-23).

    Yes, reunions should be times of celebration! The pettiness and foolishness of the past should be set aside. But, just like the younger son’s heartfelt realization, we should see ourselves for who we truly are, especially in the sight of God. We should not discount the fact that forgiveness is important, asking for it to right the wrongs inflicted on others and granting it to ourselves so we can heal from our own bruises and brokenness. 

    The brother and sister celebrated their restored relationship, just like the father and his son in the parable. The sister said, “Amidst the chaos, I am thankful for your prayer and for welcoming me into your home.” The brother said, “I am thankful to the Lord that I was able to pray and lead you to Christ! That is the best gift we share today—our faith in Jesus!”

    As the psalmist said, “[God] heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (147:3). Let’s not walk around in pain, limping from our brokenness. It’s good to be reunited with loved ones—and with our Creator!

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/fizkes

    Luisa Collopy is an author, speaker and a women’s Bible study teacher. She also produces Mula sa Puso (From the Heart) in Tagalog (her heart language), released on FEBC Philippines stations. Luisa loves spending time with her family over meals and karaoke!

    Luisa Collopy

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  • How Should Believers Navigate Prenuptial Agreements?

    How Should Believers Navigate Prenuptial Agreements?

    Getting engaged is a pivotal moment in a couple’s lives and comes with much excitement and anticipation. However, this glorious moment can be shattered when one says, “’ I’ll say, ‘I do,’ ‘til prenup do us part?”  It doesn’t really have a nice ring to it. So, what is a prenup, and how should we go about this highly controversial topic as believers?

    The history of the prenuptial agreement (prenup) dates back to ancient Egyptian times and was often used as a means to care for a widowed woman. According to Brodie Friedman, marital and family law attorneys, these contracts were written up to protect the wealth and property that came from both the bride and groom’s family. Due to prearranged marriages then, a bride was given away with a dowry, and a groom was to pay her family to marry her. This nuptial agreement was designed to ensure that she would have rights to wealth and property if her husband passed away.

    Fast-forward to today. These nuptial agreements have since faced some skepticism but have become rather commonplace since the laws on divorce began to change in the early 1950s (Wikipedia). Now, we see a different evolution of what marital agreements entail, as a prenup states how money, possessions, and assets are to be divided in the unlikely event that a couple part ways and proceeds with a divorce.

    This “agreement” not only comes with a pretty bad connotation nowadays but can stir up distrust and mixed feelings, especially among Christian couples. Rightfully so, as believers, we hold to the notion that a marriage is meant to be a life-long venture, sacred and holy under God (Mark 10:8-12). That said, putting a prenup in place would cheapen the most favored human relationships, deeming it more like a contract than a covenant (Matthew 5:32). 

    However, it may be worth questioning whether there is ever a rare or certain case in which a prenup might be warranted. According to Focus on the Family, “blended families and already-started business ventures can create unique financial situations that need to be addressed with explicit care. A prenuptial agreement could be a wise way to avoid future financial and legal headaches, particularly where extended family is involved.” There was also mention of going into a marriage with significant financial debt or extreme assets where a prenup may be worth considering.

    We must recognize that we live in a fallen world riddled by tragedy, and unfortunately, divorce is a part of that. However, when a couple goes into a marriage with a mindset of the possibility of it “not working out,” the motives are already way off base. The truth of the matter is that God’s design for a marriage is to bring two of His beloved children together and make them one flesh (Genesis 2:24). This sacred union is to be valued as a commitment to life (Ecclesiastes 9:9). 

    Husbands are called to love and lead their wives, giving themselves up for her, while wives are to honor and respect their husband’s role and submit to him being the weaker vessel (1 Peter 3:7-9). Each brings a beautiful role into a marriage, holding equal value but different and unique qualities that are required to make a marriage based on faithfulness and devotion while being rich in love (Ephesians 5:22-31).

    Christian couples should enter a marriage by seeking to honor and glorify God’s design for marriage and enter their union equally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14-18). When each spouse says “I do” to honor and submit to God first and foremost, then submit to one another in marriage as Christ did the church (Ephesians 5:21), that is the only agreement needed.

    Father, we thank You for the precious gift You give us in marriage. Please help us see our fiancés and future spouses as You do – as a beloved child and priceless treasure. Help us honor Your perfect design for marriage and live in a purposeful way that glorifies You together. Amen.

    Photo Credit: ©Pexels/Edmond Dantès

    Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy.  Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.

    Alicia Searl

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  • Don’t Have Close Friends? Consider This

    Don’t Have Close Friends? Consider This

    I feel as though I’m prying. Maybe it’s because there’s a stigma around loneliness, even if this condition is something of an epidemic. About 1 in 3 Americans reported feeling lonely in a recent survey. 

    Loneliness means we’re journeying through life solo. In the words of the Bible, loneliness hits probably because we lack a friend “who is as [precious to us as] our own souls” (Deuteronomy 13:6, AMP). 

    As precious to us as our own souls? Whoa! What a tall order.

    Few relationships would fit. Can you classify coworkers and acquaintances as “friends who are like your soul mates” (ISV) when all you do is chat about casual things with them? 

    Here’s why the question I asked at the beginning is worth considering. I attended the 2024 Christian Association for Psychological Studies (CAPS) conference and learned about a sobering study on the well-being of pastors and their spouses. These researchers discovered pastors who had more close friends also endorsed fewer depression symptoms. They felt more satisfied in ministry. 

    Granted, pastors are unique. Their leadership role sets them apart from the rest of the church. However, this position’s endless demands often intrude into the pastors’ personal lives and impact their families, further pressuring them, which explains their need for close confidantes.

    But the need for true friends isn’t limited to just clergy. God created all humans to be relational beings. And so, it makes sense for all of us to need a trusted friend. Whether you lead a Fortune 500 company, a tribe of young humans still at home, or are somewhere in between, even if your life is relatively drama-free, you’ll still benefit from having an ally.

    Friendship increases life satisfaction. In contrast, loners have been found to be twice as likely to die prematurely. Research shows baring your heart to a buddy can lower blood pressure during stressful situations.

    But how do we find that kind of friend? 

    Here are three ideas:

    1. Old Friends

    Did you meet someone who then became a close friend earlier in life? Cherish that friendship. Work through any rift that might have ripped you two apart in the course of time. Old friendships—that is, connections we made while we were younger—offer a richness that can be missing from those fostered in adulthood. 

    As Scripture says, “never abandon a friend” (Proverbs 27:10, NLT). Don’t discard an old friendship in the face of quarrels.

    But friendships, obviously, fall under the umbrella of relationships, and conflicts within relationships are notoriously tricky to resolve. So, if you feel stumped by the schism between you and your friend, email me your dilemma. The Ask Dr. Audrey’s Advice Column might offer the balm you need to soothe the cracks in your friendship.

    If there is no squabble separating you from your old friends, wonderful. I’m happy for you. Still, please don’t take your pals for granted. Keep working on your friendships. Whether it’s a quick “miss you!” text or a heartfelt video chat, cherish your friends. Let them know how appreciative you are of them.

    2. Risk a “Yes”

    Remember the conference I told you about earlier? I presented on—what else?—Internal Family System (IFS), my favorite therapy modality. Afterward, while browsing the book tables, I ran into one of the people who attended my workshop. We chatted about IFS before she dropped an unexpected question: “Would you like to come to my birthday party?”

    I didn’t know this lady. At all. Plus, the party was at the hotel where the conference was held. Because I stayed at a different property—and the forecast called for rain for the rest of the day—RSVP-ing yes might have meant being drenched as I walked to the party and back.

    There were many reasons to beg off, but I’m so glad I risked a “yes”!

    I didn’t know it then, but my agreement unlocked a roomful of joy. The birthday party ended up feeling like a clean comedy show. As a present for the birthday girl, every guest was supposed to share two truths and a lie while the group guessed the lie. Because some were expert storytellers, stories about squirrels and singing captivated us while others crafted creative jabs and poked innocent fun as more stories flowed.

    The evening erupted into one raucous laughter after another.

    But how does my experience affect you?

    The next time the chance to socialize arises, risk a yes. Pray and confirm it with God first, of course, but unless you feel a clear “no” from the Almighty, lean on your yes. 

    You might make a few friends that way.

    3. Initiate 

    May I indulge you with one more story from the eventful party? This one originated from the birthday girl herself. These parties, she explained, started because her birthday used to be lonely. No friend was around to celebrate her happy day.

    “Why don’t you invite a few people out and treat them to a nice meal?” her husband advised. “Not McDonald’s.”

    She listened to his advice and gained a group of close friends as a result.

    Let’s apply this concept to you.

    If you lack true friends, volunteer yourself to be one. No need to wait until someone offers you the gift of friendship. Instead, initiate the process. Stretch your comfort zone and get to know others. Be generous in spending your time with them. Buy them a Christmas gift. Surprise them with a gift card for their birthday. 

    Keep nourishing that new friendship until it won’t be that new anymore, and before you realize it, you’ll have a close friend to share life with.

    Take it from the party I attended. One reason it felt special was because the guests kept showing up at the same conference, and the same birthday party, for years. By the time I arrived, the bond between them—and the birthday girl—had been clearly established.  

    It Takes One

    There is a flicker of hope arising from the research on pastors I cited earlier. Whether it’s them or their spouses, the researchers discovered it took having only one friend to improve the lives of these study participants. 

    Imagine that! We don’t need to have a close friend in every state to improve our welfare. It only takes one. 

    Scripture confirms that friendship isn’t about quantity but quality. “A person of too many friends comes to ruin,” warns Proverbs 18:24 (NASB). 

    Moral of the story?

    If you’re an extrovert, don’t let your natural ability to socialize backfire. Collecting an impressive number of contacts is great, but advance only the right persons into your inner circle. “Bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33). Don’t let those you call friends corrupt your decisions regarding God or life in general.

    And if you’re an introvert, endure the discomfort that comes with reaching out to make new friends. Extroverts might rate this kind of activity as less nerve-wracking than you, but that’s okay. Scale down the effort if you need to. You only need one good friend, remember?

    No matter your tendency, and whether the friendships you’re working on are quite old or brand new, cultivate them. Check in on your friends. Forgive. 

    And now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to plot out my two truths and one lie. 

    My new friend’s next birthday party awaits!

    Photo Credit: ©Pexels/Elle Hughes

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

    Dr. Audrey Davidheiser

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  • 8 Ways to Impact Your Grandchildren

    8 Ways to Impact Your Grandchildren

    My oldest grandson just entered his last year of elementary school. The years have whizzed by in a flurry of sweet and sometimes salty photographs, each representing an opportunity to spend time with this blonde bundle of energy, who will become a full-fledged man in what seems a nanosecond. He would like my use of the word nanosecond, as it is so much more interesting than the word “second” and much more current than the expression “in the blink of an eye.”

    It has been said, “grandparents are a delightful blend of laughter, caring deeds, wonderful stories, and love.” I hope that my grandchildren would agree!

    As Christians, our view of how we choose to engage in the lives of our grandchildren can be guided fully by our faith, our deep desire to fulfill the call of Scripture to love others well, and by our strong desire to leave a legacy of God’s “righteousness with our children’s children,” Psalm 103:17. Let me share with you eight wise ways that you can have a rich and lasting impact on your grandchildren.

    1. Overflow With Unconditional Love

    Grandparents have a unique opportunity to be honest with themselves regarding the missteps that they may have made as parents, while aligning with the Psalmist in declaring, “Search me, O God, and know my heart” Psalm 139:23-24. In doing so, grandparents can move forward humbly and boldly in caring for their grandchildren with a truly Christ-informed mindset of love that is unconditional. Such love values grace over judgment, shuns comparison, and sees each individual grandchild as beautifully unique and made in the image of God.

    2. Lead a Healthy Lifestyle

    Four to five mornings a week, I stand in the downstairs powder room with my not-quite-four-year-old granddaughter and listen to Mickey Mouse sing the brush your teeth song. As I put toothpaste on her toothbrush this morning, she handed me my toothbrush. She stood on my little step stool, and the two of us made our teeth sparkle. We have all heard the phrase, “More is caught than taught.” Whether getting out and taking walks together or snacking on berries and juicy summer watermelon, healthy behavior catches on. It has the added potential benefit of grandma and papa being around for a long time!

    3. Be Present and Available

    It goes without saying that any truly good relationship has a foundation of ongoing and consistent interaction. One author calls this “the power of being there.” For grandparents who live near their grandchildren, this may take the shape of assisting with after-school care, a special weekend date, or simply showing up for special school programs and extra-curricular activities.

    Some crucial keys to significant grandparent-grandchild interactions are as follows: 1. Check-in with parents to clear outings and activities. 2. Always show up and be where you say you’ll be. 3. Focus on your grandchild in a loving and supportive manner. This is the present in being present!

    4. Be Intentional

    Even if your grand’s live far away, and you only have the opportunity to visit in person once a year or so, you still can create a present and meaningful relationship through intentional, planned visits that will focus on time with them. Throughout the year, caring deeds such as phone calls, FaceTime, handwritten letters, and thoughtful small gifts continue to move forward the connection you seek to build. A postcard from a trip you have gone on or a photograph can be a fun way to connect. You can even try being pen pals with your grandchild. Whatever your circumstance, the goal is to be intentional in building a strong, loving connection that will impact your grandchild throughout their lifetime.

    5. Have Fun!

    The beauty of fun is that it is just plain a good time. A grandparent, who is a blend of part laughter and part love, starts with a sense of play, allows for a pinch of silliness, and adds a whole lot of imagination. Counselor and pastor Charles Shedd noted, “Grandparents are, without a doubt, some of the world’s best educators.” It is amazing how we can share hobbies, a love of reading or nature skills, and all sorts of wisdom and wonder when we mix it with a generous portion of fun-having. Consider what your grandchildren already enjoy, and learn about it. Let them teach you a thing or two as well, or look for creative ways to present what you love and invite them into new learning worlds full of delight.

    6. Stay Relevant

    Two of the greatest missteps a grandparent can make in their relationship with their grandchild are losing their sense of what it was like to be young and scoffing at the changes or new trends that come along with each generation. As the older generation, we may want to imbue the younger ones we love with certain ideals and traditions. We may feel confused and dismayed when our well-meaning lessons fall on deaf ears. Remembering that we, too, were once the generation questioning traditions, and embracing new ideas, can help us to build common ground with our grandchildren. Ask questions, be curious about new technology and paradigms, and be willing to try something new when possible. Listen well without judgment, and seek to understand rather than point to the way things used to be. I am not suggesting you shrug off your faith or family values, but rather that you listen and love well in order to honor their interests and actively example your faith.

    7. Tell Your Story

    “Young people need something stable to hang on to – a culture connection, a sense of their own past, a hope for their future. Most of all they need what grandparents can give them.” Pastor J. Kesler

    Every grandparent has a story that has been written on their life by the hand of a loving and purposeful God. There are flawed parts that perhaps can only be shared carefully and with great wisdom when speaking to young hearts, but among these, there is tale after tale of redemption, kindness, and hope. All of these are part of the history that can be laced with humility and passed down to our descendants. These wonderful stories can unfold naturally as you enjoy a meal together, walk in the neighborhood, or drive to an outing. You can also share bits of history in notes and letters or even in a more formal legacy journal.

    8. Love Jesus by Example

    Psalm 92:14 encourages the older Christians to continue to bear fruit and stay fresh and green as they maintain relationships and righteousness through Jesus Christ. This Psalm creates a vivid word picture of a valuable life that leads others to God simply through a flourishing vitality in their faith. As grandparents, we may not always have the opportunity to share our faith verbally with our grandchildren, and if we do, it should always be supported by the actions of our daily life. As noted previously, godly grandparents can impact their grandchildren through an unconditional love that reflects well how God loves them and us. Grandparents can actively live out their faith in the day-to-day, seeking to exemplify a growing faith in God integrated into all aspects of life. It may be a simple prayer for travel safety as we evidence our reliance on and hope in God.

    Grandparents who value prayer for the powerful gift it is can become legacy-makers, deeply impacting the lives of their grandchildren through diligently praying for their grandchildren, and they can love them with biblical words of affirmation and blessing over their lives. Almost daily, as I buckle my youngest granddaughter into her car seat, I remind her that she is a gift from God. My oldest grandson often hears the words, “You are a fine young man of God.”  

    Billy Graham once noted, “The greatest legacy one can pass on to one’s grandchildren is not money or other material things accumulated in one’s life, but rather a legacy of character and faith.”

    Within every grandparent is a great well of impact potential to influence the generations that come after with grace and truth. We can be not simply grandparents but also mentors, trusted allies, a place of safety, an inspiration to seek God, and a warm, delightful example of love and laughter. These are the makings of character and faith and the wise ways you can have a rich and lasting impact on your grandchildren.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Maryna Andriichenko

    Stacey Monaco has been speaking and writing since her first unpublished children’s book in the fifth grade. Her journey as a writer has taken her from the depths of blue water exploration, to the simplicity of crafting words to encourage and educate in the areas of loss, legacy, leadership, and living life passionately with purpose. Stacey received her Masters Degree in Christian Ministry and Leadership from Talbot School of Theology, and has worked in many roles from slinging coffee to pastoring women. To find more on living the Christian life with intention, head over to her website at StaceyMonaco.com.

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  • How Should Christians View the ‘Tradwife’ Trend?

    How Should Christians View the ‘Tradwife’ Trend?

    The trendy “tradwife” movement. What’s this all about, really? The term trad wife, which denotes the view of a traditional wife with traditional values, was originally displayed about six years ago when several millennial and zoomer housewives took to social media and showcased their idealistic, domesticated lifestyles. 

    These young ladies began to glamorize the iconic All-American 1950s woman as they posted pictures donning the classic fit and flare dress with attached apron and pump high highs. Whether they are placing meals on the table for their family with a glistening smile, vacuuming their immaculate homes, or greeting their husbands at the end of the day with a passionate kiss, the message is to showcase traditional gender roles and the culture of that nostalgic time era. In the time when men were the sole breadwinners and providers, women stayed home and were caretakers.

    According to Estee Williams, a 25-year-old trad wife and TikTok influencer who inspires women how to cook, clean, and maintain beauty for their husbands, “a tradwife submits to her husband and serves her family. This concept is not degrading or considered to be of lesser value than him. This is more common with traditional Christians.” Many of her recent videos share how to find a masculine man and dish out advice for high school girls who are questioning and eager to learn more about her “old school” lifestyle.

    @esteecwilliams What it means to be a Tradwife. #fyp #tradwife #homemaking #housewife #traditional #tradwifecontroversy #womenschoice ♬ Music Instrument – Gerhard Siagian

    While this concept continues to grow and gain momentum on nearly every social media platform, gaining traction, it is apparent that a younger generation of women is seeking men who will lead, provide, and protect them (Ephesians 5: 25-33). However, this movement hasn’t come without a spark of controversy, even among the faith-based circles.

    How should we respond to this tradwife movement through a Biblical lens?

    The phenomenon of a traditional, simpler, and older way of life is nothing new. After all, it’s the cycle of life as families pass down their traditions to their children. It is common for children to take on some of those customs and part ways with others, maybe starting something new. This is where we see old-fashioned ethics and new terms like “trad wife” come into play. 

    However, these homemade definitions are not synonymous with the Biblical housewife portrayed in Proverbs 31 or Titus 2. Where the tradwife focuses on some Biblical views, it completely misses the mark on others. While there are distinct gender roles noted in God’s Word, we are all called to submit to Christ, first and foremost (James 4:7), and then to one another in marriage (Ephesians 5:21).

    Where a tradwife focuses on outward appearances and the authority of her husband, Biblical womanhood encourages marriage to be rooted in faith and glorify God – together. Marriage is a servanthood where a husband is called to love his wife as Christ did the church, and a wife is called to submit to her husband so that he can lead in confidence. There is mutual love, respect, and honor (Ephesians 5:21-33). 

    The Proverbs 31 woman seeks after God’s heart (Mark 12:30), embraces her role as mother and wife, cares for her feminine beauty (1 Peter 3:3-4), is a cheerful giver (2 Corinthians 9:6-8), serves with a gracious heart, and walks with purpose, seeking God’s will and way for her life. This could mean working in or outside of the home.

    Titus 2 is generally an older (wiser) woman who is portrayed as a role model and mentor for young ladies, training them to trust God and walk in obedience. They share the real meaning behind submission, which is to walk with dignity and grace, honoring God’s design for marriage and encouraging young wives to serve and love their husbands and families with compassion.

    Like with any cultural trend, we need to be careful not to be swept away by all its enticing and enamoring effects and choose to seek God’s will and way for our lives by digging into His Word and seeking Truth. The beauty of God’s Word is that it never changes (Psalm 119:89, Isaiah 40:8, Malachi 3:6). In a world that is forever evolving, His Word remains the same. We can count on that—it’s a promise!

    Photo Courtesy: ©Getty Images/Alexandra Girard
    Video Courtesy: esteecwilliams via TikTok

    Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy.  Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.

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  • Why People Pleasing Is Not What God Wants for You

    Why People Pleasing Is Not What God Wants for You

    Have you noticed the influx of media marketing lately? Post after post offers seminars or curriculum to help you “be the best you” that you can be because you deserve to live your dreams or change the world with your passion.

    Am I the only one who feels pangs of anxiety when I look over these posts? There is almost a subliminal message that says:

    • You aren’t good enough. 
    • You need to try harder. 
    • Everyone else is resolving to do better.
    • You had better keep up the pace.

    I don’t know about you, but the very idea of these accusations sends me looking for a paper bag to breathe into.

    When I start to feel overwhelmed by a barrage of “shoulda, woulda, coulda” thinking, I have learned it’s time to stop the voice in my head. 

    I don’t know about you, but comparing myself to others is exhausting. Yet, being a middle child and a born people-pleaser, my natural default is to compare myself to those more motivated than me. And when I do that I lose––every time.

    Lose what? I’m glad you asked. 

    Living for the approval of others is never a worthy goal. Let’s face it; people pleasing is a moving target. We’ve all heard “You can’t please all the people all the time,” so if you’re a people pleaser, you will exhaust yourself trying to measure up to everyone else’s standard for success.

    When you bow to the standard of others, you’ll also lose peace of mind. Because you will constantly compare yourself to how others are doing, or change your goals based on the comments of others. 

    So, what can you do? For me freedom from people pleasing came in a number of ways. First and foremost was when I surrendered my life to Jesus as my Lord and Savior because the Spirit of God gave me new life in Christ. 

    Once enslaved to my trespasses and sins, I found God set me free. By the power of His indwelling Spirit, God’s peace began to rule in my heart and mind in Christ Jesus (see Romans 6 and Philippians 4:7).

    When I realized that God created me for His glory and not my own, I learned the most important person to please was the Lord my God. Wow––what a relief!

    No longer did I need to seek the approval of others. 

    The only standard I had to live up to was the one Jesus called me to in relationship with Him.

    So what is that standard? 

    In Mark 12:30-31, the religious leaders asked Jesus what was the priority of life. Jesus’ response was two-fold:

    1. Love God with all of your being.
    2. Love others.

    Now, don’t be tempted to simplify this statement to mean, “God doesn’t care about my sin; all that matters is love.” Because the truth is, if you’re loving God with your whole being, then the evidence of that love is your desire to walk in obedience to His commands. 

    Jesus said, “If you love me you will keep my commandments” (John 14:15). So, there’s no way around it. If you’re going to please God alone then your love for Him will cause you to walk in obedience to Him.

    The second part of Jesus’ response in Mark 12 was to love others as we love ourselves. Here’s the interesting part of that statement. We cannot love others in the selfless way God commands until we are living in love with Jesus. Because when we love Him properly, what spills out of us is His selfless love for others.

    When you live to know and love the Lord and His love spills out of your life onto those around you, you will have learned the secret to breaking free of people-pleasing.

    You see, as you draw near to God, He promises to draw near to you. And the closer you walk to Jesus, the more clearly you will have the mind of Christ to discern what He would have you do with your life––rather than comparing yourself to what others are doing with their lives (see James 4:8, 1 Corinthians 2:16).

    There is nothing wrong with looking ahead to set some God-driven goals. You would be wise to daily spend quiet time alone with the Lord to seek His will for your life.

    But more important than setting goals is the time you spend with Jesus. Because time with Him through prayer, Bible Study, and waiting in His presence is the secret to living the life you were meant to live.  

    And when you resolve to live in His presence, you will find the key to freedom from people pleasing.

    Rhonda Stoppe is a pastor’s wife, speaker, and author. As the NO REGRETS WOMAN, Rhonda has more than 20 years experience of helping women live life with no regrets. Through humor, and honest communication, she helps women build NO REGRETS LIVES by applying sound teaching from Scripture. Rhonda appears on radio programs, speaks at women’s events, MOPs, and homeschool conventions throughout the nation. Rhonda Stoppe’s book Moms Raising Sons to be Men is mentoring thousands of moms to guide sons toward a no-regrets life. Her new book If My Husband Would Change, I’d Be Happy: And Other Myths Wives Believe is helping countless women build no-regrets marriages. 

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/jacoblund

    Publication date: January 16, 2017

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  • Debunking the Myth That All Bachelors in Their 30s and 40s Are Immature

    Debunking the Myth That All Bachelors in Their 30s and 40s Are Immature

    There is a common myth that all single men in their thirties and forties are immature. While this is a common belief, it is not true. In some cases, it may be true, but one should not be dogmatic in saying that all single men who are in their thirties and forties are immature. This is a statement that cannot be backed up with truth because it is not based on any solid foundation. 

    Rather, people try to claim single men within this age range are immature because they are not married. It is important to note that just because a person is not married does not mean they are immature. In the same way, just because a person is married does not mean they are mature. It is incorrect to define a person’s maturity based on whether they are married or not.

    Instead of judging men based on their marital status, you need to look at them as individuals. You do not know the reason behind why they are bachelors in their thirties and forties. It could be they have dedicated their life to following Jesus, haven’t found anyone they truly love yet, or have other focuses in life. Therefore, it is important to debunk the myth that all bachelors in their thirties and forties are immature.

    Measuring Maturity 

    Measuring maturity by a person’s marital status is not wise. As mentioned, being married or not is not a measuring rod for a person’s maturity levels. If anything, bachelors in their thirties and forties may be more mature than you think. Many people believe that bachelors are selfish and only care about themselves, but this is not true. There are many reasons why a single man may choose to stay single. 

    Oftentimes it is their maturity that helps them choose to be unmarried. Within the Christian community, there is a false belief that marriage is the end goal or the ultimate form of happiness. This is not true as our goal as Christians needs to be helping other people come to know Christ and maturing in our own walk with God. Not everyone will get married, but it does not make them any less of a person. 

    If a bachelor chooses to stay unmarried, the Apostle Paul actually says this is better (1 Corinthians 7:25-40). Tragically, many Christians are distorting the Word of God by condemning those who choose to stay single. There is absolutely nothing wrong with staying single for a male or female. If a Christian decides in their heart to stay unmarried and chooses to spend their time focused on God, this is a noble thing. Never should other Christians condemn individuals who choose to stay unmarried. Even the term “bachelor” can be seen as derogatory. 

    Reasons to Stay Unmarried

    It is also important to note that there are many reasons why a man may choose to stay unmarried, even if he is in his thirties or forties. As mentioned earlier, it could be because he is choosing to dedicate his life to following Jesus, hasn’t found the one, or is choosing to spend time bettering himself. While many people might see these things as selfish, they are not. Sadly, men tend to be seen as “lazy,” “selfish,” or “immature” for not being married, but these aren’t blanket statements to apply to all men. 

    Rather, it is important to look at the individual and not pass judgment on them. You never know why a person chooses to stay unmarried unless you truly know them and they open up to you. Even if you may personally believe everyone should get married does not mean that this is what everyone else believes. In fact, it is not even what God says. 

    Nowhere in the Bible do we see God promising marriage to all people. Marriage is a gift, but singleness is also a gift. Unfortunately, within Christian culture, people do not tend to treat singleness as a gift. Instead, they treat it as a great tragedy or something that should be avoided at all costs. This is not a healthy way to think nor is it biblical. Whether a person gets married or not, they can still live a life to the glory of God. A person doesn’t have to be married to follow God, serve Him, or glorify Him in their actions. 

    It could also be someone stays unmarried because they have gone through a bad breakup in the past or they might even be divorced. Due to their bad relationships in the past, they might feel unsafe opening up to someone again. It could be that they still love the person that ended things with them or they are trying to heal from the wounds. Nonetheless, do not judge someone’s maturity or morality based on their marital status. It is not wise and will only lead to pushing this person away from the community of believers. 

    Do Not Pass Judgment 

    The Lord tells us plainly to not judge others (Matthew 7:1). Judging others is not within our responsibility. Judgment is God’s responsibility. He will judge everyone in accordance with His perfect rule. Rather than choosing to pass judgment on men who stay single in their thirties and forties, we need to encourage them to live their lives for the glory of God. Being single does not count you out for living the abundant life that Jesus died for (John 10:10).

    If you have been in the habit of looking down on men who are unmarried, try to change the narrative. Look at the man individually and see how he is living. Is he kind? Is he living to the glory of God? Is he trying his best to help others know Jesus? If you find he is doing all of these things, there is no reason to think badly of him or to think he is immature. Rather, he is just a man who has chosen to remain single.

    Choosing to remain single is a personal decision. It does not have to be approved by people. Whether a person gets married or stays single, they can still live their lives to the glory of God. The Lord looks at our hearts (1 Samuel 16:7)—he does not look at our marital status. If you are a single man in your thirties or forties, know that God will do wonderful things with your life and your singleness. 

    Oftentimes, Christian singles can do the most for God because they are worried about pleasing the Lord rather than pleasing a spouse (1 Corinthians 7:32-35). Therefore, there is nothing immature about this. Living for God, dedicating all of your time to the Lord, and helping others come to know Him are all very mature things to do. There is beauty in marriage and there is also beauty in singleness. 

    Instead of trying to say one is better or more mature, we need to see married couples and singles as equals. In no way is one more superior than the other. As believers, we are to live in unity with one another, but we cannot do this if there are believers condemning other believers because they have chosen not to be married or have not gotten married by a certain age. There needs to be unity within the family of believers or there will only be disorder. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Andrey Maximenko

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • 3 Lessons in Love from the Author of ‘Amazing Grace’

    3 Lessons in Love from the Author of ‘Amazing Grace’

    John Newton is known as the author of Amazing Grace. Newton was always astounded by the grace he received. Towards the end of his life he said “Although my memory’s fading, I remember two things very clearly; I am a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior.”

    The dearest love in the heart of Newton was the Lord Jesus. But there was another great love that Newton sometimes feared was a rival to his affection for Christ. That rival was his sweet Polly—also known as Mary Catlett and the would-be wife of John Newton. This is their love story.

    Love At First Sight? 

    It is rather doubtful that John Newton and Mary (Polly) Catlett had feelings of love at first sight. Rather, it’s far more likely that they were fighting over a beloved toy. Elizabeth Newton and Elizabeth Catlett, best friends, had joked that perhaps the then 6-year-old John might Mary the then 3-year-old Polly. Yet even the faintest hopes of their union would seem to have been an impossibility when John’s mother died a year later, and young John was sent off to boarding school.

    It would be almost a decade later that the two would “meet.” And on this occasion, at least for John, it was love at first sight. As one biographer wrote: “Almost at first sight of this girl, then under fourteen years of age, he was impressed with such an affection for her as appears to have equaled all that the writers of romance have imagined.”[1]

    Just as Gilligan’s “three hour tour” turned into three seasons of television, so also did the smitten Newton’s quick visit turn into a three week stay. Though he was so overtaken by Polly that he mentally replanned his entire life, the young girl was unable to return those affections. And Newton was compelled to serve in the British Navy.

    It would be four years that John was away at sea. Though he kept his love for Polly alive, those four years had hardened and shaped Newton into a rebellious and vulgar sailor. Though he would now reject any notion of God, he still had a heart for this young lady who captivated him years prior. As Newton would tell it:

    “I soon lost,” says he, “all sense of religion and became deaf to the remonstrances of conscience and prudence: but my regard for her was always the same, and I may, perhaps, venture to say, that none of the scenes of misery and wickedness I afterward experienced ever banished her a single hour together from my waking thoughts for the seven following years.”[2]

    But soon, his affections would be transformed by another.

    Newton’s Fateful Voyage

    While on a slave trading voyage, Newton the sailor was caught in a violent storm. And it was here that for the first time in many years Newton prayed. He was not entirely changed at this point, but it began the first seeds of a deep heart change Newton would experience.

    John, who had been corresponding through Polly’s aunt, met some great disappointment. He believed himself unworthy of Polly and decided to break it off. Finances were also an issue. He knew he could not provide the financial stability that the Catlett’s would need to see in order to entrust their beloved Mary to him. His sensibilities, having been somewhat reformed by this storm and now meeting this new discouragement, John decided to end the romance.

    Unbeknownst to him, though, his father and the Catlett family had already arranged an engagement between the two. There was only one sticking point—Polly. What would she think of this arrangement? Newton was unsure and often found himself tongue-tied around her. He wrote her by letter to see if she felt the same about him. When she responded, though cautiously, that she shared at least some affection, John was over the moon.

    Newton continued his time on a slave ship, hoping to earn a solid living so he could propose marriage. It is difficult to say whether Newton had been actually converted at this point. He doesn’t develop evangelical views until a few years later. But by 1753, we know that his heart was indeed captured by another—the Lord Jesus. He wrote to his, now wife Polly, “I wish to limit my passion within those bounds which God has appointed.”

    A Happy Marriage

    On February 1, 1750, John Newton and Mary (Polly) Catlett were united in marriage. They would remain together until 1790, when Polly died of breast cancer. Their affections for one another were deep. In 1793, to honor her, John published two volumes of letters that he had sent to Mary throughout their marriage.

    They understood that their marriage was a gift from God. Newton once wrote to his wife:

    For, when I take up my pen, and begin to consider what I shall say, I am led to think of the goodness of God, who has made you mine, and given me a heart to value you. Thus my love to you, and my gratitude to him, cannot be separated. And, as you are so good to prize my affection, by finding it thus accompanied, you may be assured of its being unalterable. All other love that is not thus connected with a dependence upon God must be precarious. To this want I attribute many unhappy marriages. I believe many persons fall from their hopes of satisfaction in that state, by degrees insensible to themselves; and a secret change, or alienation of mind from each other takes place before they are well aware of it; till, in time, they proceed to such lengths as they would once have judged impossible.[3]

    Newton believed that their happy marriage was a direct result of their love for Christ. It became the immovable foundation for their love for one another. This love continued through all of their years. Newton wrote in 1770: “I can remember when the sun seemed to shine in vain, and the whole creation appeared as a blank if you were from me. Not that I love you less. The intercourse of many successive years has endeared you more and more to my heart.”[4]

    This love endured through many years of ministry. In 1764, John Newton became rector of the Church at Olney. It was during this time that he developed a friendship with William Cowper. Cowper was often depressed and suicidal and would require almost constant supervision by the Newtons. During this time as pastor of Olney, Newton’s fame grew as his Authentic Narrative was published.

    He kept this post in Olney until 1779, when the couple moved to London. This provided far more luxury and comfort but perhaps even more busyness. From Olney and throughout his ministry in London, John was very busy, and this would have likely added some strain to their message—but their dedication to one another and the cause of Christ sustained them. Newton did not take the path of many fellow ministers during the time, who seemed to have all but abandoned their families. Newton remained dedicated to Polly.

    They also endured much familial heartbreak. Mary was often gone taking care of her ailing parents and siblings. Also, though the couple never had their own children, they did adopt two of their nieces, Betsy Catlett and Eliza Cunningham. In 1774, they took in Betsy, who would outlive both the Newtons. Eliza came to the Newton’s when she was gravely ill at the age of 12. They took her in as her own until she sadly died in 1785.

    It would be five years later that Polly would succumb to breast cancer. Upon her death, Newton wrote:

    When I was sure she was gone, I took off her ring, according to her repeated injunction, and put it upon my own finger. I then kneeled down, with the servants who were in the room, and returned the Lord my unfeigned thanks for her deliverance and her peaceful dismission.

    How wonderful must be the moment after death! What a transition did she then experience! She was instantly freed from sin, and all its attendant sorrows, and, I trust, instantly admitted to join the heavenly choir. That moment was remarkable to me, likewise. It removed from me the chief object which made another day or hour of life, as to my own personal concern, desirable. At the same time, it set me free from a weight of painful feelings and anxieties, under which nothing short of a divine power could have so long supported me.[5]

    Newton was certainly grief-stricken, but it didn’t impact his ministry. He continued on in all of his ministry the next day. He even preached at Polly’s funeral. Many critiqued him for this, but his resolve here was connected to the entire pattern of their marriage. He loved Polly deeply. But he also understood that she was a gift to him from God. He held her in proper place and so he was able to hold her well.

    Their love story is a beautiful reminder of the depth of Christian love. But it’s also a picture of Christ’s love for the church. It motivates us to love others deeply but to keep our affections proper so we can love people well. This kind of love flows from Christ.

    Photo Credit: © Getty Images/carton_king

    [1] John Newton, Richard Cecil, The Works of the John Newton, vol. 1 (London: Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1824), 6.
    [2] John Newton, Richard Cecil, The Works of the John Newton, vol. 1 (London: Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1824), 6.
    [3] John Newton and Richard Cecil, The Works of John Newton, vol. 5 (London: Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1824), 394–395.
    [4] John Newton and Richard Cecil, The Works of John Newton, vol. 5 (London: Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1824), 564.
    [5] John Newton and Richard Cecil, The Works of John Newton, vol. 5 (London: Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1824), 621.

    Mike Leake is husband to Nikki and father to Isaiah and Hannah. He is also the lead pastor at Calvary of Neosho, MO. Mike is the author of Torn to Heal and Jesus Is All You Need. His writing home is http://mikeleake.net and you can connect with him on Twitter @mikeleake. Mike has a new writing project at Proverbs4Today.

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

    Christianity.com.

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  • When Spouses Can’t Agree on a Church

    When Spouses Can’t Agree on a Church

    As a teenager in my local church, my stomach would churn every time I spotted a certain lady coming to church without her husband. She was wedded in our church in a beautiful, enviable ceremony. She and her groom were visibly in love, barely able to shift their gazes from each other the entire day. My friends and I were completely enthralled by the couple’s display of love. 

    A few years later, the lady was still attending our church but the husband had shifted to another. I felt crushed by the turn of events in their marriage. Like most teenagers, I was greatly intrigued by the subject of marriage. Among the things I envisioned in marriage was unity, and it broke my heart to see the couple divided on which church to attend.

    It’s not uncommon to find couples split down the middle on which church they should attend. One of them may, for instance, prefer a congregation inclined to liturgical worship while their partner may be sold out to charismatic worship. Couples may also differ along doctrinal lines where one partner may feel that the church preferred by the other is not doctrinally sound. How should couples proceed when pulled in opposite directions where church is concerned? 

    Here are six things to put to mind as you both ferret for a solution:

    1. Marriage Should Exude Unity

    The scriptures teach that after marriage, a man and his wife are no longer two individuals but one flesh. God then issues a warning—no one should separate those He has joined together. Unity is one of the distinctive marks of marriage. In fact, it can be said to be the foundation of marriage since the essence of marriage is leaving and cleaving. 

    And whilst two cannot walk together unless they are agreed, those in marriage have already decided to walk together. Seeing them walk separate ways when it comes to church attendance therefore goes against the grain. It’s like hearing a bird buzzing like a bee instead of chirping away. It’s simply not expected. 

    Paul referred to the Corinthian church as letters of recommendation written in his heart, to be known and read by all (2 Corinthians 3:2, ESV). Whether we realize it or not, people are scrutinizing our marriages. They yearn to see love, unity, respect, trust, godliness, fidelity, etc. They are rooting for our marriages, hoping and praying that we will weather every storm and come out triumphantly. 

    Besides that, God wants the light in our marriages to shine before men so that they will see our good works and glorify him in heaven (Mathew 5:16). Our marriages should be a pattern of good works. Failing to agree on a church does not bring glory to God and we should refrain from getting comfortable with such an arrangement. Furthermore, attending different churches gets very confusing for children as they get pulled in different directions. Do they attend mommy’s or daddy’s church? 

    2. Pray for Wisdom

    There is no confusion that godly wisdom cannot quell. God does not want His children to wobble around, drenched in confusion, unsure of which path to tread. He is the Good Shepherd who leads us in green pastures (Psalm 23). He sent His Son Jesus so that we could have life in abundance. He wants the best for us and our families and loves to see us thrive! James taught that if anyone lacks wisdom, they should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to them (James 1:5-6). 

    Wisdom is the ability to discern what is right and acceptable. The good news? God is generous with wisdom. If you and your spouse are finding it hard to agree on a church, seek God’s wisdom. Ask Him to lead you to the right church for your family. Remember that by wisdom a house is built, and through understanding, it is established (Proverbs 24:3).

    3. Settle on a Healthy Compromise

    For any marriage to succeed, spouses have to ditch selfishness and uphold their spouse’s needs above theirs. Philippians 2:3 implores us to do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but in humility, to value others above ourselves. God designed marriage as a place where Christ’s relationship with the Church would be demonstrated. That’s why Paul instructed wives to submit to their husbands as to the Lord and husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church and died for her (Ephesians 5:22-28). 

    When both of you have different opinions regarding the church to join, it’s time for both of you to cede ground for the good of the marriage. In fact, don’t wait for your spouse to be the first to relinquish their control. Believers are called to outdo each other in showing honor. Be the first to baffle him/her with your humility.   

    This could mean that the wife decides to settle for the church her husband is interested in, as an act of submission. This could also mean that the husband goes along with the wife’s church preference as a demonstration of his sacrificial love for her. Remember, yielding to another person’s will is not a sign of weakness but of strength and power. Jesus taught that whoever desires to become great shall first be a servant (Matthew 20:16). The way up is down. 

    4. Be Creative

    A little creativity will go a long way in helping you and your spouse settle on a church with neither of you feeling too aggrieved. Pastor Jay of the Gospel Obsessed suggests that since almost all churches record their services, you can always listen to your favorite preacher later on in the week. So you can agree to attend the church your spouse favors and still tune in to your church of choice online. That sounds like a double blessing!

    Both of you can also look for a church that caters to both of your preferences. For example, you can get a church that combines both traditional and contemporary worship styles. 

    5. Honor God First

    What do you do if your spouse wants you to join a cult? Should you tag along for unity’s sake? As believers, our first allegiance is to God. We should not disobey God to please our spouses. In Acts 5, Peter and the other apostles were prohibited by the high priest and the Sadducees from teaching in the name of Jesus and spreading His doctrine. They didn’t mince their words on this matter. “We ought to obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29).

    We too ought to obey God rather than our spouses. We have a right to differ when they implore us to be part of churches that dishonor God. We are first accountable to God before any human being. 

    6. Seek Godly Counsel

    A Christian counselor can help you and your spouse navigate this challenge. Christian counselors combine clinical practice approaches with religious or spiritual principles to help believers maneuver various life issues. You can also seek counsel from an older Christian couple that you trust. King Solomon observed that where there is no counsel, the people fall, but in the multitude of counselors, there is safety (Proverbs 11:14).

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/People Images

    Keren Kanyago is a freelance writer and blogger at Parenting Spring. As a wife and mom, she uses her blog to weigh in on pertinent issues around parenting, marriage, and the Christian Faith. She holds a degree in mass communication with a specialty in print media. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram and/or shoot her an email at kerenkanyago@gmail.com.

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  • What to Do with Your Cheating Husband

    What to Do with Your Cheating Husband

    Disclaimer: This isn’t therapy, and Dr. Audrey’s advice is for the general audience, meaning it may not always work for everyone. 

    Currently separated from my husband. I have intentions on remaining faithful and trying to work on our marriage. He has picked back up on bad habits, drinking, smoking weed, taking mushrooms, porn and sleeping around and staying in houses with other women. I’m hurt because I prayed and sought The Lord before getting married. . . Since knowing that he has been with other women, I’m ready to throw in towel, but it hurts because I love him and just want him to love me back. I’ve isolated myself and no one to really talk to this about. My family who are not saved always tell me I have problems and should not have married. His parents are believers but don’t encourage him to do what’s right in the sight of God. I’m very broken, can’t sleep without having bad dreams that me and my husband are done. I for sure thought God called us to be together. What should I do? We have 2 very young children together as well who ask about their father daily. – AH

    I’m doubly sorry because neither your family nor his has supplied the help you need. This lack of support makes your agony even harder to bear.

    Given all you’ve shared, I have three recommendations.

    1. Find a Church 

    Nobody can survive stressful times by fighting solo. This is particularly true when young children are in the picture, like in your situation. That’s why finding a Bible-believing church needs to be one of your top priorities. Seek a spiritual house where you can feel safe enough to join.

    See the word “enough” in the last sentence? I’m borrowing this principle from a famed British psychoanalyst, D. W. Winnicott. He coined the term of being a “good enough” mother. She doesn’t perfectly attune to her baby’s needs but is doing a good enough job, leaving the baby with only small amounts of frustration.

    This concept is helpful because, as I’m sure you know, you can search through all denominations and still, you won’t find a perfect church. Maybe the music is too contemporary or the distance makes it daunting to go regularly. But if that place preaches the Bible and the people there love the Lord then tolerate small frustrations and get planted there.

    Why?

    Because our faith in God—in His goodness, love, and power to see us through—needs regular boosters, but especially during hard times. Faith comes by hearing the Word (Romans 10:17). If ever there’s a time for you not to forsake the assembling of ourselves (Hebrews 10:25), it’s now, when you’re facing a trial. So, bulk up on sermons and the Word of God.

    Research also shows churchgoers tend to fare better in physical and mental health. Improved mental health might have something to do with the opportunity churchgoing creates in socializing with like-minded individuals. After all, a friend loves at all times (Proverbs 17:17); so, when you’re parched for love, hang around friends.

    Isn’t it interesting this Proverb doesn’t say a spouse loves at all times? It’s sad when our own spouse treats us as though we’re as valuable as a used tissue. But a true friend wouldn’t mind babysitting for you or listening to your distress.

    2. Trust God’s Grace

    Should you stay married when your spouse hasn’t respected your vows?

    If you believe God joined the two of you in marriage, you should fight for your relationship. “Let no one split apart what God has joined together” (Mark 10:9, NLT).

    But staying married is hard when your husband is gallivanting around. For one thing, unless he’s thoroughly repentant, it’s unwise to trust him with your heart.

    This is why you need to hear, for yourself, what the Almighty decrees about your situation. His view is what matters. Take His word over your family’s or even your husband’s behavior.

    Especially because you can always rely on God’s grace to do His ways. 

    For instance, if He instructs you to stay the course, He will also grant you the grace and supernatural love for your husband as you bear this unpleasant situation. (“Love bears all things,” Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 13:7.) 

    If you feel God is leading you this way, ask for specific prayer points to pray for your husband to come to his senses. Pray for you too, so you can “stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand” (Ephesians 6:13) as you continue to navigate through the hardship.

    One last word on this thread.

    If God called you to remain separated (at least for now), you could trust Him to deal with your man during the break. But brace yourself. Things could grow gloomier in the meantime. Whatever happens, though, you can trust Him to keep working on your husband.

    Discerning what God says is best done when you shut out the world. Even with young kids to care for, there are things you can do to plan a private retreat. Read the first bullet point in this article for helpful tips.

    3. IFS Therapy 

    Seeking God’s heart on the matter might be crucial, but teasing out His voice from our own can be complicated. Many have made the mistake and attributed to God what actually arose from their own souls. 

    I include myself in that number.

    This is why I also recommend Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. This unique therapy modality recognizes the many inner voices we hear as coming from different parts of our souls. Practicing IFS helps us distinguish these voices from the Almighty’s.

    But let me back up and explain. We’re made up of spirit, soul, and body (1 Thessalonians 5:23). And just as our body consists of many parts, the same goes for our soul.

    To determine whether you’ve heard from parts of your soul, here is a quick test. Have you noticed these inner reactions following your husband’s misbehavior? 

    How could he do this?

    What should I do? File for divorce? 

    I thought God wanted us to be together. Shouldn’t we stick it out? But how, when my husband doesn’t give a flipping care?

    What should I tell the kids when they ask about their dad again?

    If you resonate with any of the above, that’s because you’ve heard some of your parts expressing themselves. 

    Validate them. Say something like: “I hear you. Thanks for sharing your opinion candidly with me. I don’t have all the answers, but God will help us get through this storm.” 

    Listening to our parts calms them down. 

    This is what it means to be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10). The stillness of your soul makes hearing God’s voice easier to do.

    So, after spending time listening to your parts and their concerns about your husband’s hurtful behavior, invite God into the conversation. Listen to the Lord. The One who is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18) will say something soothing to you, while also steering you to the right path.

    It’s easier for someone who’s trained in the model to guide you with IFS. That’s why I recommend investing in your own emotional welfare by hiring an IFS therapist. Head to the IFS Institute website to find an IFS therapist near you.

    But if you don’t feel comfortable with IFS, that’s fine. Find a competent therapist who is clinically skilled and won’t undermine your worldview. (Some therapists, on hearing about your husband’s indiscretions, might quickly advise you to leave him—without hearing the other parts of you that might want to stay.) 

    If you want a therapist who shares your faith, check out Focus on the Family for a list of Christian therapists.

    May God’s will be done in your life—as well as your husband’s—as it is in heaven (Matthew 6:10).

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Engin Akyurt

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

    Dr. Audrey Davidheiser

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  • Six Prayers for Estranged Family Members

    Six Prayers for Estranged Family Members

    Whether it’s due to a tragic event or years of pent-up hurt and unforgiveness, many of us have family members who are estranged from one another. That sibling who hasn’t spoken to you in years. That parent you haven’t wanted to reach out to. That uncle you need to avoid for your own health. 

    This can be a wrestle, emotionally and spiritually. It hurts when family members stop speaking to one another. We all want the happy family dreams we see on our screens. We all want unity and family memories, family celebrations, etc. But so often, reality does not quite measure up to the fantasy. 

    This is even more complicated when your family members begin to feel like enemies when they are out to slander you or cut you off relationally. This brings up so much heartache and pain. 

    While boundaries with those toxic family members are healthy and good, one way we can continue to love our estranged family members while remaining separated from them is through prayer.

    But let’s be honest – when family-drama emotions are heightened, or anger is ignited when it all feels deeply unfair and hurtful – you might not know how to pray. This is when we can turn to the scriptures to find wisdom. 

    Psalm 41, in fact, a song by King David, was written about a season when David’s enemies were rising against him. He cries out to God for comfort in his distress and speaks honestly and openly about the pain of being attacked by a close community.  Though he was not necessarily writing about estranged family members, it’s a very relatable passage of scripture. 

    Here are six ways to pray for your estranged family members from Psalm 41. 

    1. God, bless my family member and their loved ones. Deliver them when they are in trouble. God, protect and preserve them; count them among the blessed. 

    “Blessed are those who have regard for the weak; the Lord delivers them in their times of trouble. The Lord protects and preserves them—they are counted among the blessed in the land…”- Psalm 41: 1, 2

    2. Lord, sustain them when they are sick, restore them when they are ill. 
    “The Lord sustains them on their sickbeds and restores them from their bed of illness. – Psalm 41: 3 

    3. Jesus, have mercy on us both and stop any false accusations or slander that is destroying our relationship. 
    “I said, “Have mercy on me, Lord; heal me, for I have sinned against you.  My enemies say of me in malice, “When will he die and his name perish?” When one of them comes to see me, he speaks falsely while his heart gathers slander;
    then he goes out and spreads it around. – Psalm 41: 4-6

    4. God, I am deeply sad and angry that they have turned against me. Heal my heart and theirs. Bring our relationship to full restoration if that is your will. 
    “Even my close friend, someone I trusted, one who shared my bread, has turned[ against me. But may you have mercy on me, Lord; raise me up, that I may repay them. – Psalm 41: 9,10

    5. In the meantime, the Spirit of God transforms them (and me) into people of integrity. Uphold and set us all in your presence forever, even though we are not currently in each other’s presence. 
    “Because of my integrity you uphold me and set me in your presence forever.”- Psalm 41: 12

    6. I praise you, oh God, your love is everlasting, even when human love fails.
    “Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, from everlasting to everlasting. Amen and Amen.” – Psalm 41: 13

    What you’ll be surprised to discover, as you pray this Psalm over your estranged family member(s), is this – though the relationship might not change or be reconciled, your heart will soften and be transformed. 

    God will meet you in the frustration of it all and invite you into a newer, deeper family relationship with him. 

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Pheelings Media

    Aubrey Sampson is a pastor, author, speaker, and cohost of The Common Good on AM1160 in Chicago. You can preorder her upcoming children’s book, Big Feeling Days: A Book About Hard Things, Heavy Emotions, and Jesus’ Love, and find and follow her @aubsamp on Instagram. Go to aubreysampson.com for more. 

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

    Christianity.com. Christianity.com

    Aubrey Sampson

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  • Ashley Benson Had Her Baby! See The Sweet Pic! – Perez Hilton

    Ashley Benson Had Her Baby! See The Sweet Pic! – Perez Hilton

    Ashley Benson is officially a mom of one!

    As you might’ve heard, the Spring Breakers star shocked the world last year when she not only announced her secret marriage to her hubby Brandon Davis — but she also announced she was pregnant! At the time, an insider for US Weekly dished it wasn’t even something she initially planned, but she changed her mind:

    “She wanted to start a family with Brandon. It was something that was extremely important to him and was vocalized from the very beginning. She initially wasn’t expecting to have kids at this time in her life but that changed after falling so deeply in love with him.”

    And now the babe is here!!

    Related: Ireland Baldwin Shows Off REAL Post-Baby Body!

    On Instagram Thursday, the Pretty Little Liars alum posted a short but sweet announcement to her Stories in the form of a sweet pic of her baby daughter’s tiny fingers. The only thing she wrote on the photo was a pink heart emoji. Ch-ch-check out the precious snap (below):

    (c) Ashley Benson/Instagram

    SO tiny!! This little one is wrapped around her momma’s finger already!!

    The 34-year-old actress has yet to announce the name or extra details about the little girl just yet, but we’re so happy to see she arrived safely and is now snuggled up in her mom’s arms!

    HUGE congratulations to Ashley and Brandon! Reactions, Perezcious readers?

    [Image via Ashley Benson/Instagram/MEGA/WENN]

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  • 5 Things Never to Say to Your Grandchildren

    5 Things Never to Say to Your Grandchildren

    Grandparents are supposed to be kid experts. We’ve raised our own children and by now should be seasoned and mellowed-out enough to roll with the ups and downs of our grandkids’ lives. Those of us with new grandbabies harbor visions of becoming the perfect, loved-more-than-anybody-else Mimi, or Lolli, or Pops, or whatever cute name we’ve decided to be called.

    Then the pre-teen and teen years come along and our bubble bursts. Oh, our grandchildren still love us bunches—and we still can’t believe the overwhelming love we hold for them—but their struggling hormones make them difficult to live with at home and even at our house.

    We want to carry on rational, adult conversations with them, yet sometimes struggle with what to say. And sometimes we fail to say the right things and we know it.

    To help identify quagmires, what types of conversations should we definitely avoid?

    1. Insulting words about their parents

    Lighthearted stories about the antics and pranks of your own children can be entertaining for your grandchildren. These are fine, and even lend a sense of pride at being old enough to hear them along with learning family lore. But if you still feel unhappy or sad about the behavior of one of your grandchild’s parents, she doesn’t need to know—unless she expresses the same emotion first in a conversation.

    Even then, she needs your guidance to navigate toward an effective and positive way of dealing with her feelings. It’s not your place to confide in your grandchildren about the failures of their parents.

    Another sticky area is when our grandchild’s parents are divorced. No matter how the custody is arranged, and no matter how dysfunctional we might think our kid’s ex-spouse is, the child does not need to hear it from us. They love Mom and Dad and are trying to work out their own thoughts.

    We don’t have to praise that parent, but it’s important to speak carefully when the subject comes up. In our case, we simply choose to keep busy with other topics—there is plenty of activity in our grandson’s life to talk about. When he mentions the other parent, we listen, comment in a way that lets him know we heard and value his words, and then move on to another subject.

    2. Stories about how much worse you had it as a kid

    You know how these stories go. “I had to walk two miles in the snow to school every day—uphill both ways!” Or, “We never got to wear pants to school, even though I walked three blocks to the bus stop in sub-freezing weather.” And then there is this one, “We only had one family car, and everybody shared it. I never had my own car.” Actually, the last two examples were from my personal experience.

    While it might be okay to tell these stories, they should never be used to make a child feel as if she is taking things for granted or like her feelings aren’t valid. Maybe she is being ungrateful but helping her identify her blessings might be a better way to approach the subject.

    While you may think you had a really tough life as a young person, your difficulties didn’t seem any worse to you than your grandkids’ do to them. Yes, they have different problems, but that doesn’t make theirs less painful.

    The grandparent who constantly tells stories to “one-up” their grandchild runs the risk of never being taken seriously, or worse, being viewed as an old, out-of-touch person who doesn’t understand modern life—and is therefore irrelevant.

    3. Negative bias about the younger generation

    I used to hear this from an elderly aunt every time our family visited her. She was convinced the reason for the increased crime rate in her city—and the unemployment rate, and every other social ill—was teenagers and their bad behavior.

    Admittedly, teen gangs were becoming a problem at that time, but the reasons for the rise in gang activity were, and still are, complex. All her problems were not due to teenagers!

    A doomsday view of society is not only unhelpful but can frighten our grandchildren. Placing blame on a particular generation merely perpetuates stereotypes. It doesn’t solve any problems. Do we have issues facing us today that were unheard of in our youth? Certainly. This is always going to be true, regardless of the decade.

    Unfortunately, a downward spiral of society is the natural trend of mankind apart from the intervention of God. So, if there is any blame, maybe we should look at ourselves to see how often we pray for a spiritual awakening, and how open we are to the Holy Spirit working in our lives.

    A great conversation to have with our grandchildren might be about finding ways to make a difference in their world. Do you know of any kids who are doing something special? Can you brainstorm with your grandkids possible options for them?

    Maybe offer to take the oldest on a mission trip with you to work with children in a third-world country. Such an experience can change a teenager’s life and possibly their career choice. And it can make the problems at home seem less daunting for both of you.

    I know of one family whose son became interested in local politics. He began writing letters to the editor of the newspaper, and eventually wrote articles they printed. He’s in college now preparing for a future in policy making. He was encouraged by his parents and grandparents to help change what he saw as problems.

    I would have benefitted from my aunt’s concerns if she had encouraged me to volunteer serving meals at a homeless ministry instead of listening to her berate those homeless people for daring to sleep on her street.

    4. Condemning all electronics and social media as evil

    Different families allow differing amounts and types of screen time for their children. It’s important that as grandparents, we don’t criticize the rules our grandkids have at home. We might think they spend too much time on their phones at home, and they might bring them to our house. But we can set our own rules.

    Banning cell phones from the dinner table and limiting other screen time is reasonable, and can be discussed without condemning the devices.

    Refusing to acknowledge the reality a child lives in, and limiting conversation about it to negative comments, only serves to drive him away. He won’t want to go to Nanny and Papa’s house if all they do is nag him about putting away his phone.

    There are plenty of activities in which to engage with your grandchildren that keep them moving and thinking and talking. Be creative in discovering things you can do together. This will naturally lead to less screen time.

    But if a child wants to talk about a video game she plays, make an effort to educate yourself about that game so you can talk intelligently about it. And when a rainy day comes along, enjoy a movie or play a video game together. You can even text silly memes across the room to each other.

    Relax, Grandma. The world won’t end if you join Snapchat with your grandchildren. It might even help you keep up with their lives.

    5. Any comment that degrades their worth 

    Sometimes, the birth of a grandchild doesn’t happen in happy circumstances. Many different issues might be the reason, but the result is a child who bears no responsibility for any of them. And any associated drama can spill over onto this precious one. So let’s be conscious of our words so we don’t add to it.

    The child might act out his frustrations in behavior that grabs our attention. This does make our lives more difficult. But we need to remember that bad behavior does not equal a bad child.  Separating the behavior from our emotions helps us deal with it appropriately. Then we can express our love more easily—because unconditional love is what we as grandparents need to offer.

    Many grandparents even gain custody of their grandkids in order to give them the best chance at a hopeful future. If this is you, please know you are my heroes. But your stress level may be extremely high. That’s when it’s easy to let it slip just how hard life is because of the child.

    And we all know that pre-teen and teenage kids are simply a pain sometimes because of their tumultuous hormones and chaotic social lives. Life is more challenging with these kids than with younger ones.

    However, these years also present opportunities for fun along with meaningful experiences. Attending any event your grandchild participates in means more to them than they may ever express. And some of the best conversations that build lasting relationships and trust can happen late at night when your grandchild sleeps over.

    These categories are all negative in tone, and that’s why we should avoid them. While we shouldn’t shy away from difficult subjects, we need to keep our tone positive.

    Every topic can have an upside, and we need to help our grandkids find it. They are bombarded daily with negativity, but we can point them toward the bright view.

    After all, Philippians 4:8 tells us to think pure, noble, lovely, and virtuous thoughts. Surely that means to talk in the same manner—to everyone, not just our grandchildren.

    Kathryn Graves, author of the book Fashioned by God, is a style expert, fashion coach, and Premier Designs jewelry consultant. She is also a pastor’s wife and Bible teacher. Kathryn helps women discover the source of real beauty in Jesus, freeing them to gain confidence in their personal styles. She is Mimi to three grandsons, and loves to play with color, both in fashion and interior design, and painting with pastels.

    Photo courtesy: ©GettyImages/PeopleImages

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  • What Is Sleep Divorce and Is it Biblical?

    What Is Sleep Divorce and Is it Biblical?

    Many married American couples envision their marriage bed as a sacred space. It is a place where you can dependably reconnect at the end of the day.

    If it’s not with some conversation, it is just by being snuggled up in the same cozy space as you both drift off to sleep. It’s a place you commit to returning to together no matter how the day went.

    For many, leaving the bed to sleep elsewhere can be a sign of anger, separation, and can undermine your feeling of connectivity in your relationship. Sleeping apart from one another can be seen as the first step taken away from one another when your marriage is facing tension.

    But sometimes, couples just have to because of their life situations.

    Why do we see a growing number of couples opting to sleep in separate beds and sometimes also opting to sleep in separate rooms? According to a 2017 survey from the National Sleep Foundation, almost one in four married couples sleep in separate beds.

    Is sleeping in separate spaces a sign of a relational break or just a pragmatic decision for more individual comfort? Let’s explore the potential consequences of this growing trend.

    What Is Sleep Divorce?

    While the term sleep divorce sounds a little dramatic, the reality is that the term is just referring to a decision some couples make to sleep in separate spaces for the sake of better rest.

    While the trend is growing in popularity now, it is not a new idea. As recent as the 1960’s couples sleeping in separate beds or places was fairly common.

    Over the past 50 plus years sleeping in the same bed became the norm for married couples but researchers are finding that up to 25% of married couples are choosing different arrangements.

    Why Do Couples Choose to Sleep Divorce?

    Sleep divorce may be prompted due to a couple’s differering schedule or inability to rest well in the same bed with your spouse.

    I know firsthand that there are seasons where separated sleep is necessary due to circumstances outside potential marital conflict.

    When we brought each of our babies home there were times when we had to sleep separately in order to facilitate better sleep for each other. I would take the first part of the night with the baby and then sometime in the early hours, my husband would come back upstairs to our room to take the baby downstairs to rest so I had at least 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

    That was a gracious gift as my Momma body could not fully rest with our loud grunting little nuggets right beside me.

    Some couples may be in a situation where they work opposite schedules. This can make sleeping at the same time in the same bed impossible.

    Many others report factors such as loud snoring, disagreements about lighting, temperature preferences, and other disagreements about comfortable sleeping preferences have led them to opt for separate beds and/or separate rooms.

    Couples select to separate at night for a variety of reasons ranging from practical concerns such as opposite schedules; to those who separate because they cannot agree to be in the same space together any longer.

    Is Sleep Divorce Biblical?

    Sleeping arrangements are mostly a cultural construct and the ways we have chosen to sleep in our homes have changed tremendously over the years due to a necessity or cultural norms of the time.

    The Bible doesn’t offer specific instructions on things like where we should sleep when we are married but it does give us a lot of other advice for our marriages that we can draw on to help us navigate these sorts of decisions.

    Ephesians 5 outlines many principles that can guide us in our marriages. It advises that we keep away from any sexual immorality, that we show each other love and respect, that we cherish one another, and that we serve each other. Let these be the standards that you judge your decisions by.

    All of our decisions should be born of a desire to love one another as Christ would.

    That means if sleeping together, even if it means less than stellar sleep, can be important to showing one another love. On the other hand, giving each other the freedom to rest without interruption can be an amazing gift of service and love to your spouse (particularly if you have a newborn).

    Let love and open communication guide you and you can’t go wrong.

    Before You Decide, Check Your Motives

    Is choosing to opt for a so-called “sleep divorce” bad for your marriage?

    Honestly, this is a hard question to answer because relationship and family circumstances vary so greatly!

    Many couples are making these kinds of choices for purely practical reasons such as taking turns tending to a newborn or working opposite shifts, while for others the decision to separate at night may be a worrisome signal that things are decaying in your relationship. 

    Determining the line between “I need to sleep alone for the sake of getting better rest” and “I don’t want to be in the same space as you” can get fuzzy.

    When dealing with circumstances that lead to the need to rest separately, clear communication and intentional times of connection have to be even more of a priority because you are missing out on a built-in time of shared space that a common bed allows for. 

    Sophie Jacobi-Parisi, a New York attorney at Warshaw Burstein, who practices matrimonial and family law, said that “couples that choose to sleep separately but don’t have a conversation around why they are making the change, it can be another step in the path toward divorce.”

    She makes the point that there can be many practical reasons as to why separate sleeping arrangements may be beneficial but if we are not clear in our communication with one another as to why we are making these types of decisions this can be one step closer to separation or divorce.

    The bottom line is that the decision to sleep separately is one that should not be taken lightly.

    If there is a real need for this arrangement, communication with one another surrounding this decision is very important to make sure that it is not a choice to step away from your commitment to your marriage.

    Every step we take away from our spouses, be it physically or emotionally, has the potential for negative long-term consequences. Wisdom invites us to weigh these types of decisions carefully.

    How to Keep a Healthy Marriage While Sleeping Separately

    If you are in a season of life where it feels impossible or disruptive to each other’s rest to sleep in the same bed there are a few ways to make sure you get through this season well.

    1. Identify the sleep issue and determine the best way to remedy it.

    For example, if opposite schedules mean you can’t go to bed together, then identify ways you are going to take time to rest together. There is something special about spending time resting together.

    While many think best sleep comes alone, there is research that shows that sharing a bed actually leads to better sleep. Potential benefits include falling to sleep faster, lowered blood pressure, a boosted immune system, helps curb anxiety, and even can slow down aging!

    If you are trading off dealing with children, one suggestion would be to do this switch during the week but reserve the weekends to still sleep in the same bed together. Another idea is to spend time together in bed catching up and snuggling before separating to your posts to get some rest.

    If separating is due to snoring, a health concern, or another issue, make sure you are thorough in discussing how to make sure you both know that the decision to sleep separately is not a decision to live separately.

    While it is easy to see the practical need for rest it is important to care and nurture each other’s feelings.

    Find ways to express your desire to remain near one another in life even if your circumstances prohibit being together in the night hours.

    2. Revisit your sleep arrangements frequently.

    No decision like this should be permanent. Just because something works well or is necessary for one season does not mean it is good for all seasons.

    Choosing to come back together to the same bed, even if it means lost sleep, is 100% worth it if it is going to bring your marriage closer together again.

    We sacrifice sleep for so many other causes: our children, video games, binge-watching TV, and even work. It is reasonable to expect to have to sacrifice some sleep for the sake of your marriage.

    Be wary of a temporary season of sleep separation becoming permanent. This could be a sign of a growing disconnect in your relationship.

    Once that baby is sleeping then you should return to sleeping in your same bed or at least should be talking about what new arrangement would work best for both of you.

    When your situation changes, it is important not to ignore the conversation around sleep arrangements. This can lead to resentment and false assumptions being made by each of you.

    3. Be mindful of how your sex life is affected by your sleep arrangements.

    One very practical reason to sleep in the same bed is that you are in the same place at the same time alone, giving you the chance to be intimate with one another.

    If I just fall asleep on the couch before going to bed, there is a much lower chance I am going to be up for getting intimate with my husband. If you are parents, practically you need the late hours of the night to be able to have the privacy required to have intercourse.

    Separate beds or separate rooms can become barriers to having access to one another sexually.

    This of course does not have to be the case. If you are mindful of each other’s needs and make it a point to be available to one another at other times of the day or are willing to travel across beds or even rooms to be intimate, then it is possible to keep a thriving sex life under this arrangement.

    Nonetheless, we know that a sexless marriage can be one factor that leads to divorce. Keep tabs on if your sleeping arrangement is affecting your sex life is a good way to determine if something is amiss in your relationship.

    Loving your spouse well often means sacrifice.

    Depending on your circumstances that sacrifice may look like buying ear plugs so you can remain close in the night to your chainsaw snoring spouse. It can also look like giving up your side of the bed so your baby and Momma have a safe space to rest together during those harrowing early months of life.

    If we want our marriages to thrive we have to be careful to be taking steps closer to one another, showing each other love and consideration in our every decision.

    Let that be your guide on how you navigate rest as you share your lives with one another.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Prostock-Studio

    Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. She has most recently published a devotional, Comfort: A 30 Day Devotional Exploring God’s Heart of Love for Mommas. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.

    Amanda Idleman

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  • Mean Girls Have Been Around for a Long Time

    Mean Girls Have Been Around for a Long Time

    I saw the trailer for Mean Girls being promoted. Twenty years after its original release, it is now a musical adaptation promising to be a production extravaganza with easy-to-remember tunes and spectacular choreography. It got me thinking that we do have a fascination with mean girls, the popular bullies who make life miserable for others.

    People have contradicting feelings toward mean girls. Just think of the Mean Girls movie set on a campus. The stereotypical mean girls are the cheerleaders, walking around in their cute uniforms. They are the high school’s team spirit generators. Many admire them, but many hate them too. They are admired because they usually are good-looking. They have the power to get what they want and even influence some administrators. But they also make life difficult for the underdogs.  

    In a 2018 article she wrote in Psychology Today, Katie Hurley said, “The ‘mean girl’ narrative is so ingrained in our culture that many consider it a ‘rite of passage’ of sorts when it comes to surviving girlhood.” That means one must grin and bear the existence of and maltreatment by these power-tripping girls and pray they get out alive! And if you suffer from poor mental health from constant bullying, well, you can seek treatment to “get over it.”

    Kirsten was the guest speaker at a women’s event. She admitted to exhibiting mean girl behavior in the past. She said, “I created pain in others!” This aggression resulted from losing her mom when she was only 12. Unable to properly process her grief from her loss, and without a mother to guide her to womanhood, she started watching how other young girls and women behaved. Her young mind was impressed by the beautiful, popular, mean girls at school. They got the best of everything and everyone. She decided that becoming one of them was her key to happiness. No one needed to know that she was in pain. She would cause the pain!

    “There’s a complex web of insecurity, anxiety, and conditioned attitudes that underlies the mean girl stereotype,” a Newport Academy article said. This means the power-tripping mean girl is basically like any other teenager—an immature individual going through self-esteem issues. There’s a lot of growing up and navigation happening within this person’s body, physically, emotionally, mentally, and socially. And left to her own whims and fantasies, she can choose to be part of the “queen bee” group and make life a living nightmare for someone else to mask her own difficulties. 

    The Mean Girls of the Bible

    As Solomon says, “There is nothing new under the sun” (Ecclesiastes 1:9). Mean girls have been in existence for thousands of years. Some of them have grown into women, yet never learned to shed their ugly behavior to do the right thing. Let’s look at some of them.

    “Ahab the son of Omri reigned over Israel in Samaria twenty-two years. And Ahab the son of Omri did evil in the sight of the Lord, more than all who were before him. And as if it had been a light thing for him to walk in the sins of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, he took for his wife Jezebel the daughter of Ethbaal king of the Sidonians, and went and served Baal and worshiped him. He erected an altar for Baal in the house of Baal, which he built in Samaria. And Ahab made an Asherah. Ahab did more to provoke the Lord, the God of Israel, to anger than all the kings of Israel before him” (1 Kings 16:29-33). 

    Here’s Ahab, who was influenced by his wife, Jezebel, to turn away from the One True God of Israel to become an idolater. Knowing how much God hated graven images and their worship, Ahab provoked his own King.

    Enter Elijah, God’s prophet, who came to Ahab to let him know that God spoke of a drought. During the dry years and while Elijah was away, Jezebel had killed most of God’s prophets except for the 100 hidden away by Obadiah (a man who feared the Lord and oversaw Ahab’s household) in caves.

    In the third year of the drought, there was an “accidental” meeting between Obadiah and Elijah. Elijah, again, was bringing the Word of God to Ahab. This was the message: “You have abandoned the commandments of the Lord and followed the Baals. Now therefore send and gather all Israel to me at Mount Carmel, and the 450 prophets of Baal and the 400 prophets of Asherah, who eat at Jezebel’s table” (1 Kings 18:18-19). 

    God made it known who He was and that Elijah was His mouthpiece through a miraculous battle. And all the prophets of Baal were slaughtered by Elijah:

    “Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, ‘So may the gods do to me and more also, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by this time tomorrow.’ Then [Elijah] was afraid, and he arose and ran for his life…” (1 Kings 19:1-3). 

    Perhaps cowering in fear of Jezebel’s wrath, Ahab decided that it was best to break the bad news of the slaying of Baal’s prophets to his mean-spirited wife to stir up her anger. Then, there’s Elijah who allowed a bully’s message to extinguish the fire of God’s victory. He succumbed to becoming a mean girl’s emotional and mental hostage.

    Then there’s Herodias and her daughter’s story. They used their influence to send someone to die.

    “For Herod had seized John and bound him and put him in prison for the sake of Herodias, his brother Philip’s wife, because John had been saying to him, ‘It is not lawful for you to have her.’ And though he wanted to put him to death, he feared the people, because they held him to be a prophet. But when Herod’s birthday came, the daughter of Herodias danced before the company and pleased Herod, so that he promised with an oath to give her whatever she might ask. Prompted by her mother, she said, ‘Give me the head of John the Baptist here on a platter.’ And the king was sorry, but because of his oaths and his guests he commanded it to be given. He sent had John beheaded in prison, and his head was brought on a platter and given to the girl, and she brought it to her mother.” Matthew 14:3-11

    An adulterous relationship was confronted by John and the involved parties didn’t like the message. The mean girls’ team of mother and daughter worked together to execute a perfect death plan. “Off with John’s head!” was the special request to the king. And then there was no more voice of righteousness to convict Herod and Herodias of their affair.

    Evil Begets Evil!

    Why is it so important to be the top dog? Kirsten, the guest speaker, said she used to scope out the room to find the current reigning “queen” and strategically planned her fall. Kirsten needed to be the alpha female and did everything in her power to make it happen!

    A mean girl’s desire to control everything begins when her life is in chaos! Jezebel’s prophets of Baal were dead, and she needed to punish Elijah for this. Herodias didn’t want to be reminded of her sin, so she needed to remove John from the picture. James said, “Sin when it is fully grown brings forth death” (1:15).

    Let’s wake up and see the truth! Mean girls are not worth emulating, even if they are portrayed as the popular people in society and are sometimes celebrated on TV, film, and social media! Mean girl motivations are wrong, and they need to be corrected before they destroy others. Just think of the influence of Jezebel to her husband and Herodias to her daughter. Not good at all! 

    The Apostle Paul said, “Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful to even speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, ‘Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you’” (Ephesians 5:11-14).

    In the end, mean girls will also destroy themselves. Just watch the ending of the Mean Girls movie, if you get the chance. The Apostle Paul encourages us to “look carefully then how [we] walk, not as unwise but as wise!” while there is still time (Ephesians 5:15).

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/MangoStar_Studio

    Luisa Collopy is an author, speaker and a women’s Bible study teacher. She also produces Mula sa Puso (From the Heart) in Tagalog (her heart language), released on FEBC Philippines stations. Luisa loves spending time with her family over meals and karaoke!

    Luisa Collopy

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