The notoriously private couple, who have been together since meeting on the set of The Place Beyond the Pines in 2011, live in a small town outside of Los Angeles, and share two daughters, Esmeralda, ten, and Amada, eight.
And though they have famously always kept details about their family life out of the spotlight — like they have never confirmed whether they’re married — the Hitch actress will occasionally delight fans with sweet updates.
Eva Mendes shares rare video of her daughters at the playground
Most recently, during an appearance at the 92NY while promoting her children’s book Desi, Mami, and the Never-Ending Worries, Eva shared insight into her and Ryan’s dynamic at home.
Among some of the details she shared was the revelation that she “can’t cook,” but thankfully Ryan, “an amazing cook,” handles that department, per People.
She further shared that his shakshuka is one of her favorite dishes of his, before adding that try as she might, their daughters aren’t exactly fans of the way she prepares eggs.
Eva added: “I tell [Ryan] … at nighttime I’ll be like, ‘Baby, how can I mess up eggs?’ I go, ‘Anybody can make eggs,’ and he’s like, ‘Oh, no, no, that’s where you’re wrong.’”
The doting mom is in New York City this week promoting her new book, and during another recent appearance, on Good Morning America, she shared a sweet anecdote about how much the book has come in handy for her daughters already.
The couple recently made their first public appearance in years with their daughters
Eva first confirmed to host George Stephanopoulos that her girls do in fact “love” her new book, however, she then quipped: “I think they love it…” noting that the two are “very harsh critics,” and definitely weren’t shy to express some doubt during the initial creative process.
Still, the book has clearly already become a favorite in the Gosling-Mendes household. Eva further shared how the other day “I got really excited,” over a moment concerning her daughter that she maintained was “a true story, not a talk show story.”
“My little girl who just turned ten was having a hard time and I swear to you, I walked into her room, and she is reading the book,” she revealed, noting: “That really got to me.”
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Despite life’s challenges and unknowns, I’m convinced that being a father is about being present, involved, and being the father God has called me to be.
The role of fathers in Christian parenting is multifaceted and profound. It’s a calling that requires strength and tenderness, wisdom and humility, and above all, an unwavering commitment to following Christ’s example.
1. The Spiritual Leader Guiding with Grace and Wisdom
When it comes to being a spiritual leader in the family, I’ll be the first to admit that it can feel like trying to navigate a ship through stormy waters—blindfolded. But here’s the thing: God doesn’t call the qualified; He qualifies the called. And boy, does He have a sense of humor about it!
I remember the first time I attempted to lead a family devotional. I had it all planned out—we’d read a Bible passage, discuss its meaning, and end with a beautiful prayer. Reality? My toddler was more interested in eating the Bible than reading it.
But you know what? We kept at it. Slowly but surely, those awkward family devotionals have become cherished moments of connection and growth. As fathers, we’re called to be the spiritual leaders of our households, guiding our families in the ways of the Lord. It’s a responsibility that can be overwhelming for us at times, but it’s also an incredible privilege.
The Bible gives us clear direction on this. Ephesians 6:4 says, “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath, but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” This verse reminds us that our role isn’t to be dictators but nurturers of our children’s faith. We’re called to create an environment where our kids can experience God’s love and grow their understanding of Him.
Being a spiritual leader doesn’t mean we have all the answers. Some of the most powerful moments in my journey as a Christian father have been when I’ve admitted to my child that I don’t know everything, but I know the One who does. It’s about pointing our families towards Christ, even, and especially, when we feel inadequate.
2. The Protector Shielding with Love and Discipline
When I think about being a protector as a Christian father, I remember a time I tried to assemble a backyard playset for my kids. Armed with a set of instructions that might as well have been written in ancient Aramaic, surrounded by pieces of wood and hardware, I was determined to create a haven for my children to play. Six hours, three bandages, and one near-nervous breakdown later, I stood back to admire my handiwork—a structure that looked less like a playset and more like an abstract art installation.
But you know what? My kids loved it. Not because it was perfect, but because they knew I had poured my heart and a good portion of my sanity into creating something to keep them safe and happy. And isn’t that what being a protector is all about?
As Christian fathers, we’re called to protect our families not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. It’s a role that goes far beyond assembling playsets or checking for monsters under the bed (though those are important too!). We’re tasked with creating a safe environment where our children can grow, learn, and develop their faith.
The Bible speaks to this role in beautiful ways. Psalm 127:3-5 reminds us that our children are precious gifts from God, and it’s our job to protect and guide them like a skilled archer aiming his arrows.
But here’s the thing about being a protector—it’s not just about shielding our kids from harm. It’s about equipping them to face the world with confidence and faith. It’s about teaching them discernment, helping them understand right from wrong, and showing them how to stand firm in their beliefs even when the world pushes back.
I’ve learned that sometimes the best way to protect my children is to let them face challenges, standing nearby ready to catch them if they fall, but allowing them the freedom to grow and learn. It’s a delicate balance, much like trying to walk across a room covered in Lego bricks—it requires careful navigation and a willingness to endure a little pain for the greater good.
3. The Provider
When it comes to being a provider, as a Christian father, I’ve found that it’s like trying to juggle flaming torches while riding a unicycle—it requires balance, skill, and a healthy dose of faith. And just like that circus act, there’s always the risk of getting burned or falling flat on your face.
As Christian fathers, we’re called to be providers, but this role encompasses so much more than just bringing home a paycheck. Yes, meeting our family’s material needs is important. But here’s the thing: providing isn’t just about money and material possessions. It includes nourishing our children’s souls, feeding their minds with wisdom, and cultivating an environment where they can grow in faith and character. It’s about providing them a living example of what it means to follow Christ.
I’ve learned (often the hard way) that true provision is about balance. It’s about working hard to meet our family’s needs while also making time for the things that truly matter—family dinners, bedtime stories, impromptu dance parties in the living room, and heart-to-heart talks about life and faith.
Sometimes, being a provider means making sacrifices. Maybe it’s turning down a promotion that would mean less time with family or choosing a simpler lifestyle so we can invest more in our children’s spiritual growth. These decisions aren’t always easy, but they’re part of the sacred duty we have as Christian fathers.
4. The Teacher
I once tried to explain the concept of the Trinity to my 5-year-old. I thought I had it all figured out—I’d use the classic analogy of water existing as liquid, ice, and steam. Clever, right? Well, for the next week, he told everyone that God was like a popsicle that could melt and turn into a cloud—not exactly orthodox theology, but points to creativity, right?
This experience taught me an important lesson about being a teacher to my children: it’s not about having all the answers but encouraging an environment of curiosity, learning, and growth. As Christian fathers, we’re called to be the primary educators of our children, especially when it comes to matters of faith and character.
Deuteronomy 6:6-7 instructs us, “And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.” This passage reminds us that teaching our children about God should be an ongoing, everyday process, deeply incorporated into our daily lives.
As fathers, we’re required to teach with our words and actions. Our kids are watching us, learning from how we handle stress, how we treat others, and how we prioritize our time. It’s a sobering thought. But it’s also an incredible opportunity to model what it means to live out our faith.
5. The Nurturer
Being a Christian father is not just about providing food, shelter, and discipline. It’s about creating an environment of love, understanding, and emotional intelligence. It’s about being the safe harbor our children can always return to, no matter how stormy life gets.
The Bible gives us a beautiful picture of God’s nurturing love in Psalm 103:13: “Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him.” This reminds us that our role as nurturers is a reflection of God’s own heart towards His children. We’re called to show compassion, comfort, encouragement, and love unconditionally.
But being a nurturer doesn’t always come naturally, especially for those who grew up in homes where emotions weren’t freely expressed. We must learn how to create an emotionally safe space for our children. This can be achieved by being okay with tears, not shying away from difficult conversations, and showing our kids that it’s alright to be vulnerable.
As Christian fathers, we have the incredible opportunity to model emotional intelligence for our children. This means being in touch with our own emotions, expressing them in healthy ways, and teaching our kids to do the same. It’s about showing them that real strength isn’t about suppressing feelings but about understanding and managing them.
Nurturing also involves celebrating our children’s unique qualities and helping them develop their God-given talents. It also requires seeing the potential in them, even when they can’t see it themselves.
As we wrap up, we must remember that this journey of fatherhood is as much about our growth as it is about our children’s. Each bedtime story read and each heart-to-heart conversation shapes us into the men God has called us to be.
The path of Christian fatherhood is not always easy, but it is infinitely rewarding. It’s a journey filled with laughter and tears, triumphs and challenges, moments of great wisdom, and moments of utter cluelessness. But through it all, we have the help and guidance of our Lord Jesus and the wisdom of the Holy Spirit.
Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.
Friendships come in all forms from all different seasons of life. Your childhood friends, those you grew up with since elementary school, to those you played sports with during high school. Then comes college friends, roommates, friends of friends, not to mention friendships you may develop with co-workers or any other groups you belong with. If you are involved in your church, there are people within the church you become friends with and then you have all your spouse’s friends or friends with the parents your children play with. We will have friends there for our lifetime, and then some friends will only be there for a season. In any case, the question is when you are a believer, how do you share a deep friendship with a non-believer?
Jesus was our greatest example, and I’m so thankful we can look at his Word and his time on Earth for truth to help navigate life. When we think of Jesus’s life, we know that He was the Messiah who loved and healed everyone who encountered Him. He loved the masses of people and touched everyone who had the privilege to spend time with Him. He even loved the unbelieving, the sinners, and those cast out from society, like women or those with physical diseases. He embodied loving everyone – which included non-believers.
However, those He spent the most time with, day in and day for three years throughout His ministry, were His chosen twelve disciples. These were the people He had His deepest friendships with. They were all believers of Him and chose to leave their current lives and start living according to Jesus’ way as they walked with Him in His ministry. Even after Jesus died on the cross, the disciples continued believing and spreading the message of Jesus as the Messiah to the world.
Jesus loved all, but his closest friends were twelve believers. However, if you take it a step further, He then narrowed down his inner circle to three of the twelve disciples – Peter, James, and John. Many theologians believe that these were his closest and deepest friendships as they were the three who were with him the longest (Luke 5:4-11), and these three were present with Jesus during special events. They were eyewitnesses of Jesus’s transfiguration (Mark 9:2-3). They witnessed Jesus raising Jairus’s daughter from the dead (Luke 8:49-56). And one of the most intimate settings for Jesus was when he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane before His death on the cross, and it was these three men who accompanied Him in the garden while He prayed (Matthew 26:37). These three witnessed Jesus’ greatest moments and His darkest trials.
So, what did Jesus do? He loved all and loved many, He spent His days with 12 other believers, and He had three close friends by His side in all the major moments—in which all of them were strong believers.
Jesus gives us an example of who to have deep friendships with. However, many of us have deep friendships with unbelievers right now, and in no way, am I saying you need to cut all your non-believing friends out of your life. Or maybe you are married to an unbeliever as perhaps you came to know the Lord after marriage. But looking at Jesus’ life as an example is something to consider as you seek out truth in the Bible and pray for how to navigate any relationships you are in with unbelievers.
The Caution of Having Deep Friendships with Non-Believers
The Bible is full of wisdom on befriending non-believers. Proverbs 12:26 says that “the righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray.” The more time you spend with someone, the more you can become like them. Having deep friendships with unbelievers, we could easily be setting ourselves up to talk like them, think like them, act like them, and fall into sin like them. Of course, as believers, we all fall short as well, and in no way should we judge others. But the more you share deep friendships with unbelievers, the more you can be influenced by them.
Ask yourself if those you have deep friendships with are leading you astray – in other words, are they pointing you away from the Lord or pointing you towards Him? Do you gossip with them, slander others with them, or go to them for advice when you’re going through something difficult? Is their advice biblical or worldly? Are they a hindrance to your walk with God?
Romans 12:2a says, “Do not be conformed to this world…” Take some time to think about questions like these as this is something to consider as a caution when having deep friendships with non-believers. Take inventory of your closest friendships and how they may be affecting your walk with the Lord. Many of us have deep friendships with non-believers, and that is okay, but we may need to adjust some things and make sure we are not being influenced or swayed away from the deepest and most important relationship we will ever have—and that’s with the Lord. If you have some deep friendships with non-believers, here are three biblical ways to do that:
3 Ways to Share a Deep Friendship with Non-Believers
1. You need to love them.
When the scribes asked Jesus what the greatest commandment was in Matthew 22:34-40, Jesus replied, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind…and the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
To share a deep relationship with anyone in our life, but especially a non-believer, we are to love them. We are to love non-believers just as Jesus loved others, and in doing so, we show them Christ’s love versus the love they are receiving from the world. Loving them means accepting them as they are, not judging them, being patient with them for they do not always know the ways of God as non-believers, being kind to them, forgiving them just as Jesus forgives us, walking alongside them, suffering with them (which could mean praying for them and encouraging them), showing compassion on them, and being the kind of love they have never experienced before. By loving them the way Jesus loves, we can be an example for them and show them Christ-like love.
2. You need to be set apart.
To be in a deep relationship with a non-believer, it’s important we still live out our faith and be that example to them. We don’t need to dim our light and our relationship with God just because they don’t have the same relationship with God.
Matthew 5:14 says, “You are the light of the world. A City that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.”
A beautiful thing about having a deep friendship with a non-believer is that you can shed light on the truth of God in their lives. You can do this by the way you live your life and by living out God’s truth. It’s hard to be bold and easy to be afraid at times of what others think. However, our purpose and what is referred to as the Great Commission is to “go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you…” (Matthew 28:19-20).
It’s hard to be set apart and not conform to this world, but it’s what Jesus asked of us, and we can have deep friendships with non-believers by just being ourselves, living out our faith, and being a light to them in a dark world. Be set apart just as Jesus was.
3. You need to pray for them.
To have a deep relationship with a non-believer, make prayer a priority. We need to make sure we are praying that we aren’t influenced or swayed by them in any way. Also, it’s important we pray for when we interact with them, asking the Holy Spirit to speak to us and prompt us when to speak up and when not to speak up. And then we should pray for them always as we are encouraged in I Thessalonians 5:17, especially praying for their salvation and asking the Lord to use us as a light and testimony in their lives.
There is no greater weapon that we have on this side of Earth than prayer. Imagine seeing their life transformed for the Lord. Imagine how much deeper your friendship would be if you had the Lord as the center of your friendship.
Praying for them has the power to potentially change their life and lead them to Jesus, and it allows us to lift up their needs on their behalf. One of the greatest roles we will ever have in a friendship with a non-believer is the role we have on our knees in prayer.
Having a relationship with a non-believer can be challenging, and we need to be careful that we are guarding ourselves against being led astray. But if we do have deep relationships with non-believers, we can do so by showing them Jesus. We can love them in a way that Christ loves and not the way the world loves. We can be set apart in our actions and conversations with them by not participating in the ways or views of the world. And we can pray for them in the hope of being a part of their coming to know the Lord and being that instrument in partnering with the Lord, bringing them into His Kingdom.
Alisha Headley is a writer + speaker who has a desire to meet the everyday woman in her everyday life with biblical truth. Stepping into her true calling, she left the corporate world behind as a former-financial VP to love on her family as a stay-at-home wifey + dog mama, while also being able to pursue her passion as a writer. Healing from a chapter of life consumed with lies she once believed about herself, she is inspired to point women to Christ to experience the freedom + power to overcome those lies with the truth written in God’s word. In her free time, Alisha enjoys road trips around the country, working out so she can eat her favorite foods, and creatively styling her outfits with a craft for fashion. Alisha is a proud wifey and dog mama living in Scottsdale, Arizona.
When two people commit to getting married, they vow to be together forever. But as the years go by, it is easy to get into a marriage rut, allowing small annoyances to bloom into bad habits. Those habits, when gone unchanged, can slowly erode a firm foundation of a marriage. Here are seven habits that can cause damage to a marriage:
The saying “the family that prays together, stays together” rings true, especially in marriage. Satan wants nothing more than to destroy a unit of two people–especially Christians—who are unified in their quest to glorify God in their relationship. The best way for him to destroy that unity is through a lack of prayer.
Sure, it seems easy enough to skip one day of praying together. But soon, that one day becomes two, which becomes three, which soon leads to months (or years) without prayer. How can a couple remain connected to the vine when their way of connecting to God is cut off from the roots?
2. Fighting Dirty
All marriages experience conflict. But what will you do when you (or your spouse) fight dirty? This means launching into a character assassination or degrading the other person in an effort to “win” the argument. You may win the argument with a few blows below the belt, but the war will have just begun.
Those words, if you haven’t apologized for them, will just pile up. Like toothpaste from the tube, you can’t take them back. Keep your fights clean by sticking to the issue at hand and the underlying fears and insecurities that lie beneath them, and you’ll have a marriage that can weather any storm of conflict.
3. Bringing Up the Past
When you fight with your spouse, do you stick to the current issues–or do you drudge up past mistakes, failures, and sins? God gave us memories so we can appreciate the past. But we must choose to either allow our past to ruin our present or to use it as a way to redeem ourselves and others.
If God chooses to “forgive our sins as far as the east is from the west” (Psalm 103:12), why can’t we? Jesus was clear that if we don’t forgive others of the times when they have wronged us, God won’t forgive us of our sins. What a sobering statement! This demonstrates Jesus’ passion for Christians to freely offer the same forgiveness as Jesus did on the cross. It won’t be easy—neither was his crucifixion—but he chose to do so because of his great love for us. And we need to love others with the same level of respect.
4. Staying Unhealthily Connected to Your Immediate Family
There is a reason why in Genesis, God ordained that man “should leave their father and mother and the two will become one flesh.” Your mother, father, and siblings are your foundation to lean on during your childhood. But once you become married, you are to lean on your spouse and start a family with them. That means enduring trials together as a family unit, not involving your parents or siblings.
There’s nothing wrong with asking a parent for his/her advice, but valuing their opinion over your spouse only spells trouble. When making major life decisions, make sure you make it with your spouse, not your parent.
5. Putting Conditions on Love or Respect
When a marriage has experienced a major trial like infidelity or other sign of unfaithfulness, the victim in the relationship may feel entitled to disrespect the other partner or withhold love for fear of being hurt again. Yet, the recipe for a successful marriage lies within Scripture: “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).
As wives, we should respect our husbands, whether they deserve it or not. When wives can show their husbands respect, we can in turn show ourselves respect, and thus honor our marriages.
As well, husbands must love their wives whether they deserve it or not. It may not always look like holding hands or other physical signs of affection in public, but loving your wife means listening to her, supporting her during trials, and taking her opinions into account before making a decision. When a husband loves his wife, he also brings honor to his marriage. A marriage that has honor will eventually go back to a loving one.
6. Prioritizing Being Right Rather than Having Right Relationship
In today’s world, Christians are known more for what they are against than what they are for. When this is the case, their example of Christlikeness gets marred. It is the same in the marriage relationship. When a partner cares more about being right than in right relationship, the marriage relationship reflects less of the bride of Christ and more like two selfish people who only want to get something out of the relationship than giving to it.
Each partner must commit to giving of themselves fully to the marriage rather than having to prove the other wrong, especially during conflict. Stop trying to be right and winning in the marriage and follow the example of Christ, who spent His life-giving and emptying himself so we (and your spouse) can have the fullness of life our father promised.
7. Shutting Down Communication
One of the best parts of a marriage is when two people share intimacy both in the bedroom and outside of it. This means both partners communicate their feelings and emotions without fear of condemnation from the other. Marriage should be a safe place where people can express themselves fully. But when there is unresolved hurt and resentment that had not been dealt with, partners shut down and only communicate on a superficial level.
The relationship can deteriorate to the point where the best level of communication revolves around “how was your day?” Neither partner feels safe enough to express their discontentment with life or each other.
This reduces the relationship to nothing more than roommates. Christ’s relationship with the church needs to be more than just roommates. God wants our fellowship, and so does our partner. Imagine if your relationship with God was nothing more than a list of prayer requests. How healthy would your relationship be? Take the time to resolve conflict and heal from hurt so you can keep your communication at a deep level.
Marriage is far from easy, but when two people are committed to making it the best relationship they have, Christ is glorified, and they enjoy an abundant life of love and laughter God wants for them. If you are exhibiting these marriage habits, do the hard work to break them. This can include anchoring yourself in the word of God, seeking the help of your church or a therapist, or enlisting the help of accountability partners. Strive to be the spouse your partner deserves.
Michelle S. Lazurek is an award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife and mother. Winner of the Golden Scroll Children’s Book of the Year and the Enduring Light Silver Medal, she is a member of the Christian Author’s Network and the Advanced Writers and Speakers Association. Her first book with Leafwood Publishers, An Invitation to the Table, came out September 2016. She also teaches at various writers’ workshops, such as the Montrose Christian Writers conference. She and her husband live in Coudersport, Pennsylvania, with their two children, Caleb and Leah. For more information, please visit her website at michellelazurek.com.
When was the last time you had a fight, slept in separate bedrooms and had fantasies/fears that your marriage was over?
Joe and Tamra, working with me on a recent Marriage Intensive, had a night like that in the middle of their Intensive counseling.
“It’s over this time, doc,” Joe said during a frantic phone call one evening. “I know she is never going to keep working on our marriage.”
“Easy does it,” I said to the 49-year-old gentlemen from the Midwest. A hard-working man with a blue-collar job, Joe was not prone to exaggeration. His call indicated he really did fear the worst.
The first day of work had gone well and their marriage seemed to be stabilizing quickly. They were near separation when they arrived, but both were pleased with the way they had faced some difficult issues and learned new skills for keeping them out of trouble in the future.
“I said the wrong thing tonight,” Joe admitted. “You told us to go easy and I didn’t follow your advice. She said something that bothered me and I barreled ahead. We got into one of the worst fights of our 20-year marriage. It might be over.”
“Joe,” I said firmly. “It’s not over. She is upset and understandably so. She may be incredibly angry with you. We’ll go over what she said and why she isn’t talking to you tonight. But, tomorrow we’ll sort it out.”
Joe wasn’t easily soothed. Tamra wasn’t talking to him and they were in for a rough evening. I shared with Joe how every couple has been there—the cold, challenging evenings of sleeping alone. The silent treatment, where both walk on eggshells and any wrong word leads to another eruption.
“What I want you to do this evening, Joe, is simply to not make matters worse. Give her the space she wants and tomorrow we will sort things out.”
Thankfully, we’ve all been there and couples must learn how to pull out of these kinds of tailspins. Here is the additional counsel I gave Joe that evening.
First, know when to leave well enough alone. One of the worst things you can do when the situation is volatile is stoke the fire. There is a time when you need to leave well enough alone. When tired we don’t do our best thinking. When our emotions are frayed, we don’t reason clearly or well. Let the situation settle.
Second, step back to examine the problems. We don’t reason well when we are too close to the problem. We cannot gain perspective when our emotions are high. We must not only leave well enough alone, but must step back to reflect on the problem.
Third, quickly own your part in the problems. Having reflected on the problem, focus on your part in the problems. There is little value in focusing on what your mate has done wrong. Focus instead on your side of the street.
Scripture makes it clear we are not to judge or blame others. “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things” (Romans 2:1).
Fourth, listen to your mate for where/how they are wounded. Every fight is an opportunity to bring healing to your mate. While of course they may not receive that healing immediately, at some point they will be receptive to you owning your mistakes and offering to listen to them. They will, if done correctly, receive your apology and offer for connection.
Finally, agree to grow from the problems going forward. Every emotional meltdown is an opportunity to step back, analyze what is happening, own your part and agree to do better next time. Hope is the great elixir to a broken and wounded heart. Offer it to your mate.
Joe and Tamra came to the next day’s session wounded but ready to learn and grow. In a short time they had talked out what had happened, why it happened and what they would do better next time. The same can happen for you.
I would like to hear from you about the issue of therapeutic healing in marriage. Please send responses to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com and also read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on our website. You’ll find videos and podcasts on sexual addiction, emotionally destructive marriages, codependency, and affair-proofing your marriage.
Publication date: February 22, 2016
Related Resource: Listen to our FREE podcast on marriage: Team Us. The best marriages have a teamwork mentality. Find practical, realistic ideas for strengthening your marriage. Listen to an episode here, and then head over to LifeAudio.com to check out all of our episodes:
Madonna got the gang together for a backyard birthday bash in honor of her youngest two children, her twin daughters Stella and Estere, who turned 12 on Saturday, August 24.
The singer celebrated their big day with a special set-up at what looked to be her very own home, which included a pool party, driving around on a golf cart, dogs, flowers, art, and much more.
Madonna shared glimpses of the celebration on her Instagram, revealing that many of their friends were in attendance, as was her new boyfriend Akeem Morris. Guests also received custom T-shirts bearing the twins’ names and their ages. Check out the party in the video below…
Inside Madonna’s lavish backyard party for twins Stella and Estere’s 12th birthday
There was also a huge inflatable water slide for the girls and their friends, glamping tents with arts and crafts stations, hordes of balloons, and an actual ice cream truck (with Madonna and Akeem seen getting messy with their cones).
The girls also went horseback riding with their mom before taking things back home for an elaborate dinner and then pizza, cooked in their very own wood ovens, not to mention scores of sweet treats.
Madonna shared a sweet tribute to her girls, the youngest of her six children, penning: “Happy Birthday to my Twin Virgos! Estere and Stella!!! I blinked and you are almost teenagers. Time is a ferocious Beast!!”
Madonna through a lavish affair for her twins Stella and Estere for their 12th birthday
“You are both SO FIERCE – talented – opinionated – and full of LIFE. Can’t wait to read the next chapter… LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH!!!” Fans were left stunned by the scale of their birthday celebrations and inundated the twins with well wishes.
August is a big month for the Ciccone family, as Stella and Estere round out what is a celebratory time for the family-of-seven, starting with Rocco Ritchie’s birthday on August 11.
The twins were given an inflatable water slide in their backyard
Rocco turned 24 earlier this month, and his mom shared a tribute in his honor as well. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROCCO — the long and Winding Road through all your many moods and incarnations has been tumultuous and full of surprises.”
“But through it all — your curiosity, and Artistic Soul has been the glue that has held us together. Thank God for Art. Thank God for you. We have been together for many lifetimes. Thank you for choosing me again. I Love you – for Eternity.”
Stella and Estere’s friends joined them for arts in their glamping tent
Just days later, on August 16, she celebrated her own 66th birthday, jetting off to Italy for a jaw-dropping celebration with her friends and family, which also included a special party for Rocco.
Madonna was joined by all six of her children (and boyfriend Akeem) for the big trip, including daughters Lourdes Leon (who will celebrate her own birthday in just a month), 27, and Chifundo “Mercy” James, 18, plus her son David Banda, also 18, as well as Rocco, Stella, and Estere.
Her boyfriend Akeem Morris was also part of the festivities
After stops through Portofino and Rome, alongside sharing several photos from the beautiful getaway, Madonna wrote on social media: “Arrivederci Roma!!! a perfect ending to a Glorious Birthday Celebration with friends and family! Ciao Italia!!!!”
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Hailey Bieber has given birth! The Rhode founder’s husband Justin Bieber took to Instagram to share the first photo of their precious newborn.
The 27-year-old entrepreneur and the 30-year-old singer shared photo of their newborn baby’s foot, revealing they welcomed a baby boy, named Jack Blues Bieber.
WATCH: Hailey Bieber’s baby bump evolution in photos
This is the couple’s first child. They tied the knot in 2018 and renewed their vows ahead of announcing the pregnancy earlier this year.
“WELCOME HOME,” Justin wrote, and added the song “Burning” by Tems.
Harking back to 2009, the Biebers’ love story is a beacon of hope for all superfans. Hailey’s dad, actor Stephen Baldwin, arranged for his daughter to enjoy a meet and greet backstage with her pop idol Justin during an appearance on the TODAY show.
Little did Justin know that he had met his future wife that day. At the time, the pair posed for a photo and went their separate ways.
The pair first met backstage at a fan meet and greet in 2009 when Hailey was 14 and Justin was 16
“I didn’t think about it in any kind of way except for the fact that he was cute. Everybody had a crush on him,” Hailey has since said.
Justin went on to date fellow pop star Selena Gomez; the pair were romantically linked from December 2009 until April 2014, and officially called it quits in October 2014.
The ‘Baby’ hit-maker sent the internet into meltdown when he posed for a kissing photo with Hailey to ring in the New Year in 2015.
Bieber and Hailey had an on/off relationship until they rekindled things in 2018
The pair had a “very dramatic” split in 2016, leaving Justin free to try again with Selena from October 2017 until March 2018.
A church conference in Miami in 2018 saw Hailey and Justin rekindle their romance and by July of the same year, they were engaged.
The couple wed in 2018 following a whirlwind engagement and threw a star-studded wedding party in 2019
The South Carolina nuptials, widely regarded as some of the most stylish and A-list in recent years, featured the likes of Kris Jenner, Jaden Smith and Usher on the guest list.
Hailey was a vision in a custom Virgil Abloh wedding gown, inscribed with the words: “till death do us part”.
Whether she was rocking off-duty looks or dressing to impress in designer crop tops and sheer lace dresses, the star proved she was the It-girl of baby bump-dressing, just like Rihanna before her.
Rhode Beauty founder Hailey nailed pregnancy style to perfection
The beauty guru announced her pregnancy in March when she was six months along, opting to share the news alongside beautiful vow renewal photos with Justin.
She told W magazine she was finding it hard to keep the news private, explaining: “I felt like I was hiding this big secret, and it didn’t feel good. I wanted the freedom to go out and live my life.”
The fashion-obsessed pair have always wanted to start a family
“There is something that’s disheartening about, ‘Damn, I can’t be bloated one time and not be pregnant?’ It would be a lie if I was like, ‘Oh, yeah, I don’t give a [expletive].’”
As for Justin, the former YouTube sensation has always been vocal about his desire to have children. Speaking on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, the singer confessed he was keen to have a big family.
“I am going to have as many as Hailey is wishing to push out. I’d love to have myself a little tribe. But, yeah, it’s her body and whatever she wants to do. … I think she wants to have a few,” he said.
After being quizzed what they were waiting for, Justin said: “There’s not really an issue.”
He elaborated: “But I think Hailey still has some things she wants to accomplish as a woman, and I think … she’s just not ready yet. And that’s okay.”
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“As I sit here in a room filled with hundreds of other Believers, I couldn’t feel more alone. I feel invisible in a sea of faces. Somehow, I feel very unseen. How did I get here? What did I do to deserve this level of loneliness? How will I ever move forward? My life isn’t going as I planned, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back.” These words were penned by a friend of mine several years ago. She had written that note to herself while sitting in a church filled with almost a thousand other people. It was during worship service, and that sometimes awkward part of the service where the pastor encourages everyone to meet and greet their neighbors had just transpired. She looked around the room, and seemingly everyone else knew someone but her. Having just given birth to her second child, she found herself unexpectedly a single mom, and the loneliness associated with that journey filled her with tears as she shared that letter.
Fortunately, she was able to find a small Bible study sometime after that, and the friendships she made there have lasted more than a decade now. Loneliness is not a condition that only affects the single mom or even a single person. It impacts us all. Sometimes, we can be sitting in a room filled with others, just like my friend so many years ago, and feel completely and utterly alone. It is in the time of loneliness that God can grow us in ways that we could have never imagined. Consider the following:
1. Our intimacy with the Lord can increase during our times of loneliness.
Think about the times in your life that you have been busiest, possibly during high school or college or a work deadline. It is likely you were surrounded by groups of people. It is during our busy season, maybe when there are lots of friends – or at least warm bodies – around, that we often think we just do not have time to have devotionals. Sadly, we can all get “too busy” focusing on other things and forget to focus on the main thing – a relationship with the Lord. It has been during my times of loneliness that I have learned to greatly lean on the Lord for everything. I have learned that Jesus truly is my best friend – not simply some cliché terminology that Christians like to use. Those times of intimacy were intensified during my times of loneliness. The same can be true for you.
2. We learn more in the valleys.
First, let us acknowledge that there are things to be learned both on the mountaintops and in the valleys. Let’s face it, there are just certain things that we seem to learn better on our worst days. When a child is small and repeatedly reminded not to touch the hot stove, it is not quite as effective as when they do actually touch the stove and suffer the consequences! There have been relationships I have entered into with friends who were not leading me down a godly path or a boyfriend that was doing likewise that I should have never been with in the first place. I knew better, but I did it anyway. The loneliness and heartbreak that followed were unlike any other. I learned some things in that valley of loneliness that have been useful to me many years later. Of course, I am not suggesting that your loneliness is a result of something you have done wrong, as was my case. I am simply highlighting that the depths of loneliness can fill us with an increased appreciation for relationships once that season is over. Mountaintops can teach us humility. But valleys teach us perseverance, dependence on God, and endurance. The meaning and love of true friends, there is something to be learned in the valley.
3. Loneliness can be a time to work on ourselves.
If I were to get a pen and paper out this very moment and list the things that could be worked on, the list would be pretty long. There is the physical, such as a few more sit-ups and push-ups—my role as an employer and the many failings and shortcomings I exhibit there. Then, there are my roles as wife, mom, and friend. And finally, my spiritual journey. The fact that I am often too quick to anger and talk way too much – sticking my foot in my mouth more often than not. That’s my 30-second list right there. Trust me, there are many more! The same is likely true for you. Loneliness can be an honest time of self-evaluation. What are the things that you can work on in your own life right now? Could you improve your exercise routine or eating habits? Might this be a good time to take a financial education class or invest in a hobby you enjoy?
Times of loneliness can be times of self-exploration and improvement. Maybe there was a time in your life in an old dating relationship that you made an idol out of man. Perhaps you put more value on the relationship with a person than you did on your relationship with God. This season could be the perfect time to evaluate those behaviors to ensure that you can prevent them in the future. Perhaps this time of loneliness is a time of pursuing and discovering God’s purpose for your life. God has given us all unique talents, skills, and gifts to be used to improve the lives of those around us. What are yours? How can you use them for the glory of God? What are the things in your life that you could give back to others, and how would that, ultimately, improve your own life and sense of being.
4. Being lonely can often promote a powerful quiet time.
Okay, so I admit it. There have certainly been times in my own life when my prayer time with the Lord has been habitual and mundane, and other times when it seemed the power of God was raining down from Heaven on me like fire. The difference is my expectation and willingness to see and hear from God. The times when I have been most desperate for Him – the times when wailing and crying and screaming for a breakthrough were most prevalent – are the times when I have most assuredly seen Him. Your time of loneliness may be an intentional stripping away of all things by the Lord so that you can grow in your walk with Him.
By no means do I minimize the pain or heaviness that can be associated with loneliness. Not at all. Nor do I even insinuate that a lonely season is not a hard season. It surely is. I think about Jesus out in the wilderness being tested by Satan (Matthew 4:1-11). I think about how hard that season was for Him – how lonely He must have felt. Yet, even in that loneliness, He never lost sight of His purpose for being on earth and what He had been called to. The same can be true for you.
Being alone is not a punishment. Actually, sometimes it is necessary. As Christians, we often say God created us for relationship. I believe that to be true. There is great power in the gathering of believers. However, the first relationship has to be our one with the Lord.
This season of loneliness you are battling right now is merely a season. It will pass. While you are in it, choose to see the growth opportunities. Circumstances can sometimes create isolation or unavoidable loneliness, but what if we began to view our times of loneliness as opportunities for growth?
Jennifer Maggio is a national voice for single mothers and hurting women. Her personal story has been featured in hundreds of media venues, including The New York Times, Daystar Television, The 700 Club, and many others. She is CEO/Founder of The Life of a Single Mom Ministries, a national nonprofit that works with churches to develop single mom’s programs and currently serves more than 1,500 churches.
The Life of a Single Mom has served 406,000 single mothers over the last decade and counting. Maggio is an author of several books, including The Church and the Single Mom. For more information, visit www.jennifermaggio.com.
Jennifer Maggio is a mom to three, wife to Jeff, and founder of the national nonprofit, The Life of a Single Mom Ministries. She is author to four books, including The Church and the Single Mom. She was named one of the Top 10 Most Influential People in America by Dr. John Maxwell in 2017 and 2015 and has appeared in hundreds of media venues, including The New York Times, Family Talk Radio with Dr. James Dobson, Joni and Friends, and many others.
A mother blurted out this question: “How much do you think should I get paid as a caregiver for my son?” Confused, the person she was talking to asked for clarification, and this was her response: “Well, my adult son still lives with me and does not really have a good paycheck. I am saddled with bills and need more money to help pay for them.”
Psalm 127:3 says, “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward.” Two words stand out to describe the value of children: heritage and reward. First, the word heritage denotes an inheritance or a portion of value. Second, the word reward means something given in recognition of a service or an achievement. And the giver of this heritage and reward, our children, is the Lord—a blessing indeed!
The Israelites experienced a baby boom—God’s inheritance and reward to His people—so much that they became a threat to the Egyptians. And no matter how badly the Egyptians treated the Israelites, God divinely increased them. And to put a stop to this population explosion and bring their numbers down, Pharaoh ordered the Hebrew midwives, Shiphrah and Puah, to kill any male child born by throwing them into the Nile. But the midwives disobeyed Pharaoh for they were God-fearing women—and God dealt well with them by rewarding them with their own families. “And the people multiplied and grew very strong” (Read Exodus 1). By the time they left Egypt for the great exodus, there were “six hundred thousand men on foot, besides women and children” (12:37).
The Blessing of a Family
Deuteronomy 28 opens with the blessings that the Lord provides. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that the verses included the gift of children to the Israelites. Moses said, “And if you faithfully obey the voice of the LORD your God, being careful to do all his commandments that I command you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations of the earth…Blessed shall be the fruit of your womb…And the LORD shall make you abound in prosperity, in the fruit of your womb…” (vv.1, 4a, 11ab).
Going back to the very beginning, the creation, God gave the first multiplication assignment to Adam and Eve. He said, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it…” (Genesis 1:28). We read it next after God destroyed the Earth, when He commanded Noah and his sons to “be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth” (Genesis 9:1). To Abraham, God promised, “You shall be the father of a multitude of nations…I will make you exceedingly fruitful…” (Genesis 17:4,6).
Perhaps one of the most prolific fathers was Jacob, Abraham’s grandson, with his 12 sons—shepherds by profession. Out of Jacob came the 12 tribes, God’s chosen people, the fulfilment of God’s promise to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. They tasted and saw God’s goodness as He led them to the promised land, Canaan, the land flowing with milk and honey and fruits—grapes, pomegranates, and figs.
Fashioned after His image, God’s people became producers of humankind—the blessing!
Family Is the Most Important Community
In biblical times—and way beyond those times—it was customary to keep living with your family as a community. It made sense when Moses was teaching the Israelites how to love God with all of their heart, soul, and might, and how important it was for the parents to teach this to their children. He said, “[You] shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise” (Deuteronomy 6:7). They were together 24/7.
As children turned to adults, they owned their own habitations but lived in very close proximity. They had fellowship and shared meals. This was proven by Esau asking his brother Jacob to serve him his red lentil stew (Genesis 25:30). And when Isaac was weak and dying, Isaac requested his son Esau to prepare the delicious food that he loved—and Esau didn’t hesitate to go out to the field and hunt game to prepare it (Genesis 27:3-4).
When three of his oldest brothers followed Saul to fight the Philistines, David was ordered by his father Jesse to run an important errand for him. “Take to your brothers an ephah of this parched grain, and these ten loaves, and carry them quickly to the camp for your brothers” (1 Samuel 17:17).
It wasn’t hard for the fathers to turn over the reins to their sons. They didn’t have to force them to learn their trades. It was expected that they would take over and handle the business and family affairs. They grew up in it, with hands-on experience. Brothers Simon and Andrew and brothers James and John were all fishermen like their fathers until Jesus called them (Matthew 4:18-22).
Siblings Lazarus, Martha, and Mary got along well, sharing not just the same home but close friendships with Jesus and His followers, often extending hospitality to them (Luke 10:38-42).
Where Are We as a Family Today?
Obviously, there is value to a child, or the mother would not have asked how much money she could get for continuing to care for her adult son. However, her words revealed much about her worldly thoughts and feelings: she didn’t see a way out of her parenting responsibility, and it was causing her financial hardship.
We like to blame the economy, inflation—the list goes on—that the seemingly best-laid plan is to have maybe just one or two children, or none, because of the nightmare of rising costs. Most parents want to plan the length of their stay in the workplace, build that nest egg for retirement, and relax. Modern values have pulled us into thinking that children are more of an inconvenience, especially when they reach 18 and still don’t make plans to move out and venture on their own. This delicate situation of wanting to stay longer at home can be easily solved by finding jobs and paying rent, being more like a roommate rather than family—or the ultimatum of kicking them out. They can’t seem to wait for the day to come when they will be empty nesters, that it’s best to put a deadline on how long their children should live at home.
How did we end up with this bizarre mindset that we see children more as liabilities—the money drainers—instead of assets—the gift from the Lord, our inheritance and reward? We see how most of them are unprepared to face the challenges of the world, uncertain of what they want to do with their lives, and still stuck in their self-discovery phase. No wonder they can’t and don’t want to leave the security of their rooms! We, parents, should admit that we just don’t want to deal with handling their needs at a certain point as they mean the interruption of our own. And we wonder why we have so many prodigal and failing adult children!
Are we ever going to be ready to embrace how incredible our children can be and how they are God’s heritage and reward to us? The more we admit what a blessing they are to us, the more they will become one. And the more we diligently teach them about God’s Word, the wiser they will become. Then we can be certain that they are able to continue the cycle of blessing, producing generations of children who are obedient to God’s commandments, prosperous, and living a fulfilled life.
Luisa Collopy is an author, speaker and a women’s Bible study teacher. She also produces Mula sa Puso (From the Heart) in Tagalog (her heart language), released on FEBC Philippines stations. Luisa loves spending time with her family over meals and karaoke!
Have you ever felt like you’re living in a world of surface-level small talk and polite nods, yearning for something more substantial? Well, my fellow believers, I’m here to tell you that it’s time to dive deeper into the refreshing waters of honest conversations. As Christians, we’re called to a life of authenticity and genuine connection, not just with God but with each other. But let’s face it, opening up can be scarier than facing Goliath with nothing but a slingshot and a prayer!
I remember the first time I opened up to my small group at church about a problem I had. My palms were sweating, my heart was racing, and I was sure I’d rather be swallowed by a whale like Jonah than share my struggles. But you know what? Once I took that leap of faith, it was like a dam broke. The flood of empathy, understanding, and support was overwhelming in the best possible way.
That’s the power of honest conversations, folks. They can break down walls, build bridges, and create bonds stronger than whatever glue Noah used to keep that ark together. (Okay, maybe not, but you get the idea!)
Breaking the Ice: Overcoming the Fear of Vulnerability
Let’s be real: being vulnerable is about as comfortable as wearing a hairshirt in the middle of summer. It’s itchy and uncomfortable, and you’d rather be anywhere else. But here’s the thing: vulnerability is the key that unlocks the door to deeper connections.
The Bible is full of examples of vulnerability. Look at David—this guy poured his heart out in the Psalms, sharing everything from his highest praises to his deepest despair. In Psalm 38:9, he writes, “Lord, all my desire is before thee; and my groaning is not hidden from thee.” Talk about laying it all out there!
So how do we overcome this fear of vulnerability? First, remember that everyone—yes, even that person who seems to have it all together—has struggles. Second, start small. You don’t have to share your deepest, darkest secret. Maybe begin by admitting you’re having a tough week or struggling to understand a Bible passage.
And here’s a little trick I’ve learned: sometimes, being the first to open up can create a domino effect of honesty. It’s like you’re permitting others to be real too. So go ahead and be the brave one. Take that first step. Who knows? You might start a revolution of realness in your church community!
Remember, vulnerability isn’t weakness; it’s courage in action. It’s saying, “Here I am, imperfect and struggling, but willing to connect.” And that, my friends, is where the magic happens.
Creating Safe Spaces: Fostering an Environment of Trust
Imagine you’re at a church potluck and someone brings a mysterious casserole. You’re unsure what’s in it but know you’re expected to try it. That’s what it feels like to open up in a group that doesn’t feel safe. You’re hesitant, unsure, and a little scared of what might happen if you take a bite.
Creating a safe space for honest conversations is like setting the table for a feast of authenticity. It’s about cultivating an environment where people feel as comfortable sharing their hearts as they do sharing that questionable casserole. (Though maybe with less indigestion afterward!)
In the Bible, we see Jesus creating safe spaces all the time. Remember the woman at the well in John 4? Jesus met her where she was, engaged in honest dialogue, and created a space where she felt safe enough to share her story. That’s our model, folks!
So how do we create these safe spaces in our Christian communities? First, it starts with us. We need to be the kind of listeners who respond with grace, not judgment. James 1:19 puts it beautifully: “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”
Second, we need to establish ground rules for our conversations. Confidentiality is key; what’s shared stays in the group. Unless, of course, someone confesses to hiding the pastor’s car keys as a prank. (Then all bets are off!)
Third, we need to lead by example. Share your struggles and imperfections. When leaders are willing to be vulnerable, it sets the tone for everyone else. It’s like spiritual skydiving: when the leader jumps first, others feel safer to follow.
Creating safe spaces isn’t always easy. It requires intentionality, patience, and a whole lot of grace. But when we get it right, it’s like we’re creating little pockets of heaven right here on Earth—places where people can come as they are, brokenness and all, and find acceptance, love, and healing.
So, let’s commit to being safe space creators. Who knows? The next time someone brings that mysterious casserole to the potluck, they might feel comfortable enough to admit it’s their first time cooking!
The Art of Listening: Hearing Beyond the Words
You know that feeling when you’re trying to tell your spouse something important and they’re nodding along while scrolling through their phone? Yeah, it’s not exactly the pinnacle of communication. Well, it’s time we talk about the lost art of truly listening—and I mean listening, not just waiting for your turn to speak.
In our fast-paced, tweet-sized world, we’ve become masters of the quick response, the witty comeback, and the surface-level chat. But, when it comes to honest conversations, we need to channel our inner Sherlock Holmes. We need to listen not just to the words being said but also to the emotions behind them—the unspoken fears, the hidden hopes.
The Bible has a lot to say about listening. Proverbs 18:13 warns us, “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.” In other words, zip it and listen up before you start dishing out advice!
So how do we become better listeners? First, put away distractions. That means your phone, your to-do list, and yes, even that nagging thought about what you’re going to make for dinner. Give the person your full attention. It’s amazing how valued someone feels when you look them in the eye and focus on what they’re saying.
Second, practice active listening. This means asking clarifying questions, reflecting on what you’ve heard, and checking your understanding. It’s like playing verbal ping-pong but with empathy instead of paddles.
Third, listen with your heart, not just your ears. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What might they be feeling? What’s the deeper need behind their words? Jesus was a master at this. He didn’t only hear the words people said; he understood their hearts.
Becoming a good listener takes practice. It might initially feel awkward like you’re wearing someone else’s shoes. But stick with it. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes. And who knows? You might discover that by becoming a better listener, you become a better friend, spouse, parent, and follower of Christ.
So the next time someone starts sharing with you, resist the urge to formulate your response while they’re still talking. Instead, lean in, open your heart, and listen. You might be surprised at what you hear when you listen not just with your ears but with your soul.
From Words to Action: Living Out Our Honest Conversations
Honest conversations aren’t just about clearing the air or having a good cry together (although those things can be pretty cathartic). They’re about spurring each other on towards love and good deeds, as Hebrews 10:24 encourages us to do. They’re about becoming the hands and feet of Jesus for each other and the world around us.
James 2:17 reminds us that “Faith without works is dead.” The same is true for our conversations. If we bare our souls to each other but don’t follow through with support, encouragement, and practical help, we’re missing the point.
So how do we have honest conversations? First, we need to be willing to get our hands dirty. If someone shares a struggle, don’t just say, “I’ll pray for you” (although prayer is important!). Ask them, “How can I help?” Maybe it’s providing a meal, childcare, or just checking in regularly.
Second, we need to hold each other accountable—with love and grace, of course. If someone shares a goal or a commitment to change, offer to be their accountability partner. It’s like having a spiritual workout buddy—you’re there to encourage, support, and occasionally give a loving kick in the pants when needed.
Third, we need to celebrate victories together, no matter how small. Did someone resist temptation? Awesome! Did they finally forgive that person they’ve been holding a grudge against? Break out the sparkling grape juice! (We are in church, after all.)
I’ve seen firsthand how powerful this can be. In our young couples’ group, one pair shared about their financial struggles. Instead of just sympathizing, the group organized a budgeting workshop, shared money-saving tips, and even helped them find side gigs to increase their income. A year later, that couple was debt-free and teaching others about financial stewardship.
Living out our honest conversations isn’t always easy. It requires commitment, sacrifice, and sometimes stepping out of our comfort zones. But when we do, we create a community that doesn’t just talk about love; it shows it in tangible, life-changing ways.
So let’s not just be hearers of each other’s words but doers. Let’s create a ripple effect from the action that starts in our church and spreads into our communities. After all, isn’t that what being the Body of Christ is all about?
Remember, authenticity is the heartbeat of a true Christian community. It’s in our vulnerability that we find strength, in our listening that we show love, and in our actions that we demonstrate faith. So let’s commit to deeper connections, starting today.
Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.
When I was a child, my family was not built upon God but upon the world. As nice as it would’ve been to grow up with a deep knowledge of God and what He says about me, it simply didn’t happen this way. Sadly, many people across the world have the same childhood.
This can impact us in many ways, such as struggling to know our worth and never hearing the gospel in an understandable way. It wasn’t until I was in college that I finally heard the gospel and accepted Jesus as my Savior. Without going to the Bible college I went to, I might have never placed faith in Jesus. I certainly wasn’t going to learn about Jesus at home, which scares me to think about.
I think of all the people who never had the chance to go to a Bible college or hear the gospel elsewhere. This is a sad reality and one we as believers must take to heart. We need to do all we can to help others hear the gospel in a meaningful and relatable way. For parents, this can start at home and is found in building a family on the foundation of God.
Teaching Your Children About God
If we are going to build our family on God, we have to teach our children about Him. As I mentioned above, I had little to no knowledge about the Bible or God. This negatively impacted my life in many ways. I am more than thankful that I know Him now; however, I wish I had known Him sooner. If my family had been built upon God, it would have saved me much pain and hurt as I developed into an adult and determined where my true identity was rooted.
This is why it is vital to build our own families on God. Through teaching your children about God, it will lay a foundation for their future. Even if your children are younger, they can listen to teachings about God. Start with shorter Bible stories and grow into larger ones as they get older. If your children are already older, you can help them get more involved with personal Bible time and share the gospel with them through age-appropriate conversation.
It is important to share the gospel with your children, especially when they are old enough to understand the severity of sin, how they are a sinner in need of a Savior, and the saving grace of Jesus. Children who are below a certain age have no possible way of understanding the gospel, but it’s never too early for them to learn. Just as we place importance on introducing them to their shapes, colors, and ABCs, it’s all the more important that we introduce them to child-appropriate songs, picture books, and arts and crafts that share the truth of Christ’s sacrifice.
We should encourage our children to learn more about Jesus, but it’s vital to understand that we don’t need to force them to place faith in Him. This defeats the purpose of them coming to know Him freely. Instead of pushing them into a declaration of faith, we need to be more patient and allow them to make the decision themselves. Just because our children have not placed faith in Jesus by the age of ten doesn’t mean they will never place faith in Him. Let the Holy Spirit work in your child at His pace. After all, He knows what’s best for your child, even more than you do!
Remember, we are looking for a genuine conversion—not a forced or coerced conversion. Anything forced isn’t genuine and of the heart and will wither and fade from their lives. Give your child room and space to make their own personal decision. Simply teach them about the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit as well as the Bible. This will lay a solid foundation for their knowledge of God and help them truly understand the gospel.
Implementing the Teachings of the Bible in Your Life
Building a family on God cannot be done apart from modeling biblical teachings in our lives. We need to model love, kindness, and forgiveness in our daily actions (Ephesians 4:32). Instead of embittering our children, we need to build them up (Colossians 3:21). In everything we do, we need to extend Jesus’ love in our actions and words. This will help our children see a biblical approach to life and how content and hopeful the family is because we follow God.
As Christians, a natural outpouring of our faith should be seen in the way we treat others, and this includes our families. Instead of being hateful, hurtful, or harmful to our children or spouse, we are loving, caring, and compassionate. Children can pick up on when we are not caring or interested in them. Try avoiding this mistake as it will cause your children to lose heart. If Mom and Dad don’t care about them, they will believe God doesn’t care either.
This is why we need to implement the Bible in our lives. If the Bible says to be kind, caring, loving, forgiving, and compassionate, then this is what we must do. Parenting comes with its own challenges, yet we should never take our frustrations out on our children. Of course, no parent is perfect, but we should be a true example of saying sorry, asking for forgiveness, and repenting of our mistakes.
Sharing the Importance of Following God
Once our children see how important God and the Bible are in our own lives, they will recognize the importance of following God. If your children have placed faith in Jesus, they will want to start following Him in a more intentional way just like Mom and Dad do. However, if your child has not placed faith in Jesus, you can still share the importance of following Him through your conversations and actions.
These attributes naturally cause your children to become more interested in the Lord. Instead of viewing Him as a “made-up” person or a “character,” they will start to see Him for who He is: the Lord Jesus Christ, who died for our sins (John 3:16-17). As you show your children mercy and grace, they will begin to see God as merciful and gracious. As you show faith, they will understand the beauty of believing in what they can’t see. With time, your children will want to learn more about following God and obeying Him in their own lives. By seeing how joy-filled Mom and Dad are by following God, they will also be excited to start following Him.
Building your family on God will take time and be sprinkled with trial and error, but your persistence in faith will come to fruition. A family built upon God is a powerful, enemy-scaring family, who delights in God’s law and love. It gives God great joy to know that His children are walking in truth, loving their children, and teaching them about Him. Your efforts and dedication to the Lord never go unnoticed.
Keep following God in your personal life and seek to build your family upon Him in everything you do. If building your family on God is a struggle right now, turn to God in prayer and ask for His help. Ask God to help your family be built upon Him and His Word. Acknowledge your dependence on Him and petition for Him to give you divine guidance into what you should do. He will give you instruction, wisdom, and comfort as you build your family on Him.
Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.
Imagine you’re at a family gathering and there’s that one relative who always seems to push your buttons. They’re negative and judgmental and seem to thrive on creating drama. As you feel your blood pressure rise, you can’t help but wonder—how on earth are you supposed to love someone like that?
We’ve all been there, haven’t we? We are faced with people who test our patience, challenge our kindness, and make us question our capacity for love. As Christians, we’re called to love everyone, even those who seem unlovable. But let’s be honest—it’s not always easy.
Understanding God’s Unconditional Love
When we talk about loving the unlovable, we’re talking about mirroring God’s love for us. It’s a love that’s unconditional, unwavering, and often incomprehensible to our human minds. Think about it: God loves us not because we’re perfect, not because we’ve earned it, but simply because He chooses to.
The Apostle Paul puts it beautifully in Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrates his love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Let that sink in for a moment. God’s love for us isn’t dependent on our behavior or worthiness. It’s a love that reaches us even when we’re at our worst.
This divine love sets the standard for how we’re called to love others. It’s a high bar. But here’s the thing: we’re not expected to manufacture this love. Instead, we’re invited to tap into the endless well of God’s love, allowing it to flow through us to others.
Consider the most difficult person in your life right now. How might your perspective shift if you viewed them through the lens of God’s unconditional love? What if you saw them not as an annoyance or a burden but as someone deeply loved by their Creator?
It’s a paradigm shift that doesn’t happen overnight. It requires intentionality, practice, and a whole lot of grace – both for others and ourselves. But as we grow in our understanding of God’s love for us, we become better equipped to extend that love to others, even when it’s challenging.
The Mirror Effect: Recognizing Our Flaws
Here’s a truth that might sting a little: often, the traits that irritate us most in others are the very ones we struggle with ourselves. It’s like looking into a mirror and seeing our flaws reflected in us. Uncomfortable? Absolutely. But it’s also an opportunity for profound growth and self-reflection.
Jesus addresses this concept in Matthew 7:3-5, saying, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
This passage isn’t about shaming us. Instead, it’s an invitation to honest self-examination. When irritated by someone’s behavior, it can be enlightening to ask ourselves, “Have I ever acted similarly? Do I sometimes display this trait that I find annoying in others?”
For example, maybe you have a coworker who constantly complains about everything. It drives you up the wall. But if you’re honest with yourself, you might realize you’ve been pretty negative lately too. Maybe not to the same extent, but the seed of that behavior is there.
Recognizing our flaws doesn’t excuse bad behavior in others. But it does foster empathy and compassion. It reminds us that we’re all works in progress and all in need of grace. And when we extend grace to others, we create space for our growth and healing.
So the next time you find yourself frustrated with someone’s behavior, try turning that frustration into a mirror. What might it be revealing about your own heart? How can you use this insight to grow in empathy and self-awareness?
The Power of Empathy: Walking in Their Shoes
Empathy is the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and try to understand their perspective, even when we don’t feel like it. And let me tell you, it can be transformative.
Think about Jesus for a moment. He was the embodiment of empathy. He didn’t just preach from a distance; he got down in the trenches with people. He ate with tax collectors and sinners, touched lepers, and spoke compassionately to those society had rejected. He understood people’s pain, their struggles, and their hopes.
In Hebrews 4:15, we’re reminded that Jesus can “empathize with our weaknesses” because He has faced the same temptations. That’s powerful stuff. It means that when we’re struggling, we have a Savior who gets and understands it too.
So how do we cultivate this kind of empathy for the difficult people in our lives? It starts with curiosity. Instead of immediately judging or dismissing someone’s behavior, we can ask ourselves: “What might be going on beneath the surface? What experiences or pain might be driving this person’s actions?”
Maybe that grumpy neighbor has been battling a chronic illness. Perhaps that critical family member grew up in a household where nothing was ever good enough. The rude customer service rep might be dealing with a personal crisis we know nothing about.
This doesn’t mean we excuse hurtful behavior. But understanding the potential ‘why’ behind someone’s actions can soften our hearts and help us respond with grace rather than frustration.
Practicing empathy also involves active listening. It means setting aside our agenda and hearing what the other person is saying—and what they’re not saying. It means being present, showing genuine interest, and responding with compassion.
Remember, empathy isn’t about fixing people or their problems. It’s about creating a safe space where people feel seen, heard, and valued. And often, that’s exactly what the ‘difficult’ people in our lives need most.
The Art of Boundaries: Loving Without Enabling
Now, here’s where things get a bit tricky. Loving the unlovable doesn’t mean becoming a doormat or enabling harmful behavior. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is set clear, firm boundaries.
Jesus, our ultimate example of love, wasn’t afraid to set boundaries. He often withdrew from crowds to pray and rest (Luke 5:16). He confronted the Pharisees when their actions were harmful (Matthew 23). He even told His disciples to shake the dust off their feet and move on when their message wasn’t received (Matthew 10:14).
Boundaries are not walls that shut people out. They’re more like fences with gates—they protect what’s important while allowing for connection. They define what’s okay and what’s not in our relationships. And when implemented with love and respect, they can strengthen our ability to love difficult people.
So what might this look like in practice? It could mean limiting the time you spend with a toxic relative. It might involve communicating your expectations to a friend who consistently cancels plans at the last minute. Or it could mean removing yourself from a situation where someone is being verbally abusive.
The key is to set boundaries with love, not anger or resentment. It’s about saying, “I care about you, AND I also need to take care of myself.” It’s about valuing the relationship while also valuing your well-being.
Setting boundaries can initially feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re not used to it. But remember, it’s not unloving to have limits. Healthy boundaries can create the safe space needed for real love and growth to flourish.
And here’s a beautiful thing: as we learn to set healthy boundaries, we often find that our capacity to love difficult people increases. We’re no longer drained by toxic interactions, so we have more energy to extend grace and compassion.
Cultivating Love Through Spiritual Disciplines
Loving the unlovable isn’t a one-time decision – it’s a journey of growth. And like any journey, it requires preparation, practice, and perseverance. This is where spiritual disciplines come into play. These practices help us cultivate a heart open to loving difficult people.
Prayer is a powerful tool in this journey. It’s not just about asking God to change the difficult person (although that’s okay too!). It’s about asking God to change our hearts. To help us see others as He sees them. To fill us with His love so we can pour it out to others.
In Matthew 5:44, Jesus gives us a challenging command: “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Praying for difficult people can be transformative. It’s hard to hold onto resentment when you’re consistently lifting someone up in prayer.
Another helpful practice is meditation on Scripture. Dwelling on passages about God’s love and forgiveness can reshape our thinking and soften our hearts. Verses like Ephesians 4:32 – “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” – can become powerful mantras in our interactions with difficult people.
Fasting can also play a role in this journey. When we fast, we’re reminded of our dependence on God and our limitations. This humility can make us more open to extending grace to others.
Practicing gratitude is another powerful discipline. When we focus on the blessings in our lives, including the growth opportunities that difficult relationships provide, our perspective shifts. We become more aware of God’s grace in our own lives, making it easier to extend that grace to others.
Remember, these spiritual disciplines aren’t about earning God’s love or becoming “good enough” to love difficult people. They’re about positioning ourselves to receive and reflect God’s love more fully.
As we engage in these practices, we’ll likely find that loving the unlovable becomes less of a struggle and more of a natural outflow of our relationship with God. It’s a gradual process with plenty of ups and downs along the way. But each step forward is a victory worth celebrating.
I love the unlovable, challenging path, no doubt about it. It’s a challenge that goes against our instincts. It requires intentionality, perseverance, and a whole lot of grace—both for others and for ourselves.
But here’s the beautiful thing: as we step out in faith to love those who are hard to love, we open ourselves up to profound transformation. We begin to see others—and ourselves—through God’s eyes. We grow in empathy, compassion, and emotional maturity. We become living testimonies to the power of God’s love.
And who knows? Our act of extending grace might be the very thing that sparks change in a difficult person. Romans 12:20 reminds us, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” This isn’t about revenge but about the transformative power of unexpected kindness.
So, the next time you’re faced with that button-pushing relative, that irritating coworker, or that challenging neighbor, remember—this is your opportunity to reflect God’s love deeply. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. Because in the end, love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:8).
Let’s commit to being people who love extravagantly, who extend grace generously, and who see the image of God even in the most difficult individuals. In doing so, we not only change our relationships—we change the world, one act of love at a time.
Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.
Friendship is a cherished gift from God, providing companionship, support, and a sense of belonging. As Christians, it is essential to cultivate friendships that are rooted in our faith and centered on God’s love. Building and maintaining God-centered relationships can enrich our spiritual journey and strengthen our walk with Christ. In this article, we will explore the importance of Christian friendship, the qualities that define a God-centered relationship, and practical steps to nurture and sustain these valuable connections.
Christian friendship plays a vital role in our lives, offering emotional support, accountability, and spiritual growth. The Bible highlights the significance of friendship in numerous passages, underscoring the value of having trusted companions who share our faith and values. Proverbs 27:17 (NIV) states, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” This verse emphasizes the mutual encouragement and growth that come from God-centered friendships.
Emotional Support and Encouragement
Life’s journey is filled with challenges, and having a Christian friend to lean on can provide immense comfort. In times of sorrow, joy, doubt, and triumph, a true friend offers a listening ear and a compassionate heart. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NIV) reminds us, “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” Christian friends uplift each other, providing strength and encouragement to face life’s trials with faith.
Accountability and Spiritual Growth
Christian friendship also serves as a source of accountability. Proverbs 27:6 (NIV) says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” True friends speak the truth in love, gently correcting and guiding us when we stray from God’s path. This accountability helps us grow spiritually, keeping us grounded in our faith and encouraging us to pursue a deeper relationship with God.
Qualities of a God-Centered Friendship
God-centered friendships are characterized by specific qualities that reflect Christ’s love and teachings. Understanding these qualities can help us build and maintain relationships that honor God and strengthen our faith.
Mutual Love and Respect
At the heart of a God-centered friendship is mutual love and respect. Jesus taught us to love one another as He has loved us (John 13:34-35, NIV). This love is selfless, sacrificial, and unconditional. It involves putting the needs of our friends above our own and treating them with kindness, respect, and compassion. In a God-centered friendship, both parties value and honor each other, fostering an environment of trust and support.
Shared Faith and Values
A strong foundation for Christian friendship is shared faith and values. Amos 3:3 (NIV) asks, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” When friends share a common faith in Christ and similar values, they can encourage and support each other in their spiritual journey. This shared foundation provides a sense of unity and purpose, enabling friends to grow together in their relationship with God.
Encouragement and Accountability
God-centered friendships are marked by encouragement and accountability. Hebrews 10:24-25 (NIV) urges us, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Friends who encourage and hold each other accountable help each other stay committed to their faith and live out their Christian values.
Building God-Centered Friendships
Building God-centered friendships requires intentional effort and a commitment to fostering relationships that honor God.
Here are some practical steps to help you cultivate meaningful and lasting Christian friendships:
Seek Like-Minded Believers
To build God-centered friendships, it is essential to seek out like-minded believers who share your faith and values. Get involved in your church community, join small groups or Bible studies, and participate in Christian events and activities. These settings provide opportunities to meet and connect with fellow believers who are also seeking to build God-centered relationships.
Prioritize Quality Time
Building strong friendships requires spending quality time together. Make an effort to prioritize time with your friends, engaging in activities that foster connection and growth. Whether it’s attending church services together, having meaningful conversations over coffee, or participating in service projects, investing time in your friendships strengthens the bond and deepens your relationship.
Be Vulnerable and Authentic
Authenticity is crucial in God-centered friendships. Be willing to share your struggles, doubts, and joys with your friends, allowing them to see the real you. Vulnerability fosters trust and intimacy, creating a safe space for mutual support and encouragement. James 5:16 (NIV) encourages us to “confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” Being open and honest with your friends allows for deeper connections and spiritual growth.
Pray Together
Prayer is a powerful tool in building and maintaining God-centered friendships. Praying together strengthens your bond and invites God’s presence into your relationship. Matthew 18:20 (NIV) says, “For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” Make it a habit to pray with and for your friends, lifting each other up in prayer and seeking God’s guidance and blessings for your lives.
Serve Together
Serving others together is an excellent way to strengthen your God-centered friendships. Participate in volunteer activities, mission trips, or community service projects as a team. Serving others not only deepens your bond but also aligns your friendship with Christ’s example of selfless love and service. Galatians 5:13 (NIV) reminds us, “Serve one another humbly in love.”
Maintaining God-Centered Friendships
Maintaining God-centered friendships requires ongoing effort and intentionality.
Here are some practical tips to help you sustain and nurture these valuable relationships:
Communicate Regularly
Consistent communication is vital in maintaining strong friendships. Stay in touch with your friends through regular phone calls, texts, or meet-ups. Share updates about your life, discuss your spiritual journey, and offer encouragement and support. Regular communication helps you stay connected and reinforces the bond you share.
Practice Forgiveness and Grace
No friendship is without its challenges. Disagreements and misunderstandings are inevitable, but practicing forgiveness and grace is essential in maintaining God-centered relationships. Ephesians 4:32 (NIV) instructs us, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Extend grace to your friends, be quick to forgive, and seek reconciliation when conflicts arise.
Celebrate Milestones and Achievements
Celebrate the milestones and achievements of your friends, both big and small. Acknowledge their successes, offer words of encouragement, and share in their joy. Romans 12:15 (NIV) encourages us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Celebrating each other’s accomplishments strengthens your bond and demonstrates your genuine care and support.
Encourage Spiritual Growth
Encouraging each other’s spiritual growth is a fundamental aspect of maintaining God-centered friendships. Share insights from your Bible study, discuss sermons, and engage in conversations about faith. Challenge each other to grow in your relationship with God and hold each other accountable in your spiritual walk. Colossians 3:16 (NIV) advises, “Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom.”
Be Present in Times of Need
Life’s difficulties are inevitable, and being present for your friends during challenging times is crucial. Offer a listening ear, provide practical help, and pray for them. Galatians 6:2 (NIV) encourages us to “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Your presence and support can provide immense comfort and strength to your friends during difficult seasons.
Christian friendship is a precious gift that enriches our lives and strengthens our faith. Building and maintaining God-centered relationships requires intentional effort, mutual love and respect, and a shared commitment to grow in Christ. By seeking like-minded believers, prioritizing quality time, being vulnerable and authentic, praying together, and serving together, we can cultivate meaningful and lasting friendships that honor God. As we maintain these relationships through regular communication, forgiveness, celebration, encouragement, and support, we can experience the profound blessings of God-centered friendships and continue to grow in our walk with Christ.
J. Lila Donovan is a content creator passionate about sharing faith-based insights and encouragement. When she’s not writing, you can find her being a bookworm, creating art, or spending quality time with her loved ones.
I’ll never forget more than twenty years ago when I went to a women’s conference with thousands of ladies. I had no idea what God had in store for me at that gathering of women from all over the world. I thought it was just a conference. I had no idea my life would be changed. I think heaven smiles when we gather together. It was at this conference that God spoke to my heart about leaving the broadcast news industry that I loved, asking me to join my husband in ministry. The sermon wasn’t on a related topic, and if I’m honest, I don’t even remember the theme of the conference. But I do remember what God spoke to my heart in that crowd of women.
As soon as I got home, I shared with my husband what God had spoken to me, and he was shocked. He had always celebrated my dreams and encouraged me to pursue them. But as I look back almost two decades later, it was one of the best decisions of my entire life. We’re leading a growing, beautiful, diverse, global, life-giving church together. And every gift and skill I have, I learned from taking steps in that direction.
We’re not just called to gather on a large scale like a conference. We’re also called to gather in our daily lives.
I have three amazing children, and there are eleven years between the youngest and oldest. I had an elementary school kid, a middle schooler, and a high schooler all at one time. Because of their age range, I’ve had the opportunity to come alongside so many moms to be a mentor and big sister. No matter the season you’re in, gathering with other women on similar journeys, women who have gone before you, or even women who are younger than you is a game changer. It keeps the fire burning in you, prevents you from being isolated, and helps you maintain perspective no matter how challenging the season is. In gathering, we get to find out what is considered a normal experience and ask for advice about specific situations. In gathering, we’re strengthened and we grow.
We as women are often under siege. Different arrows are shot at us every single day. The world is fighting to make us forget our value, our worth, and our voice. We’re under attack from the moment we’re born. Girls form cliques in elementary school, already exhibiting exclusionary behavior and assigning worth based on social status. Do you ever wonder why the Enemy starts attacking women so early with comparison and jealousy? It’s because of the power of gathering.
Even though women are under siege, the power of sisterhood is saying, “I’m in this with you.” We’re not going to conform to the world’s standard of womanhood. We’re not going to be like many women portrayed on reality TV shows. God bless them—they’re amazing. But we’re not going to be yelling at one another, pulling one another’s hair, backbiting, stealing one another’s husbands, and talking about one another’s kids. That’s not our message.
The world is also pushing us to isolate ourselves, especially when we’re going through a tough time. A spirit of isolation seems to exist in our society. But it’s a lying spirit. Honestly, we would never have to leave the house if we didn’t want to. I’m not mad about some conveniences like Amazon Prime. I’m not mad that I can just get on my computer and Band-Aids are delivered to my door in two hours. I’m not mad that I can order groceries online, tip the driver four dollars, and avoid the commotion in a grocery store with three kids. I’m not mad about that.
But with all this convenience, the structure of our world makes us think that we don’t need one another.
You can do everything from your phone. You can do everything by yourself. You can practically exist in a virtual reality. The Enemy wants the spirit of isolation to permeate our society because destructive habits form when you’re alone too much. When you’re alone, you feel like nobody else is hurting like you’re hurting. When you’re alone, you feel like your pain is the heaviest you could possibly imagine. When you’re alone, you feel like you’re the only one whose marriage is struggling. When you’re alone, you feel like the only one who feels overweight. When you’re alone, you feel like the only one who’s not going to get a promotion. That’s why so much power exists in the gathering of women.
Gather to Belong
We all are fighting isolation now, some more than others. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.” We’re not called to be in isolation. We need physical touch, we need to lock eyes, and we need to be around one another. Community gives life. If you watch National Geographic or study animals, you know they roll deep in herds because when an animal is alone, it’s vulnerable to attack. You’ve seen those animal documentaries where, out of the blue, a cheetah snatches a lone creature and disappears. But when herds stay tight, the predators can’t attack them. So we roll deep as a sisterhood. Our gathering pushes away the Enemy.
Getting out of a dark place is much harder when you’re alone. We’re all going to fall. We’re human, and we don’t have to be perfect. You’re going to fall. But the key is having someone grab your hand and say, “Girl, get back up. I know who you are. I know that you’re not called to make those choices, and I’m going to pray with you until we watch that breakthrough come. We’re going to go to church, we’re listening to podcasts, we’re going to therapy and counseling, and we’re going to worship together until we cross over to victory together.”
Ecclesiastes 4 has more wisdom for us: “A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken” (verse 12). We are women who are not easily broken because we are women who can say, “I’m a part of a sisterhood. I’m a part of a triple-braided cord.”
Your finances aren’t going to break you. Your relationships aren’t going to break you. Your fears aren’t going to break you. Your insecurities aren’t going to break you. Because you will be supported and encouraged in the sisterhood. We all find belonging when we allow ourselves to live in community with the beautiful and messy people God’s placed around us. We’re called to gather.
The world is getting dark. But a companion can help you bear the darkness and carry the weight of the world. We come together to give one another hope and to speak life. We don’t have to have it all together. I sure don’t. As I write this chapter, my toes aren’t even polished! I don’t remember the last time I had a pedicure. I haven’t had time. Don’t get me one. Really, I don’t need you to get me one. But if you were to look closely at my toes, you would think, Bless her.
Jesus shows up when we gather.
But here’s the deal: we don’t have to have it all together.
One of my weeks a few years ago was really crazy. Earl had knee surgery so that he can dunk more because he loves basketball and also so that he can run around with our kids. In the previous chapter, I talked about being crowned to serve. Well, I earned a couple of crowns that week as I ran around to make sure Earl had everything he needed. I even asked him, “Do you feel I’m doing a good job?” Because you know how you sometimes can feel like you’ve taken care of someone well, but they still need more? Part of you might think, Wow, okay. I guess I don’t have anything to do but serve you. I’m just being honest. So I said, “Earl, do you feel taken care of? Do you feel like I’m leaning into you? Do you feel good?” And he said, “Yes, you’ve been amazing.” I was so relieved! That was a crazy week. But I knew that if I could just get to church and be surrounded by the sisterhood of all my girls and if I could just sit in God’s presence, God would meet me there, and He absolutely did. I know that He’s meeting you right now too.
You don’t have to do life alone.
From Earl’s knee surgery to sending my oldest child to college, I wouldn’t have survived without community. Meals, encouraging texts, advice from other moms who have launched their kids—all of this has buffered this season with grace and strength. I’m passionate about this: You don’t have to go it alone.
Sadly, many of us have been hurt in community and are afraid to trust again. I first want to say I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve experienced—it makes sense why you want to skip this chapter. But can I tell you I’ve been hurt too? I’ve been misunderstood. I’ve been betrayed by friends who I thought would never turn their back on me. I prayed and allowed God to heal my broken heart. Was it awful? Yes. Was it hard? Yes. But I will tell you God has healed my heart. Though it did take time. I decided I’m going to love big and trust again and allow new friends and healed friends to surround me. I say all this to say that when we’re surrounded by the right healthy people, we’re strengthened, encouraged, and able to make it through almost anything.
Gather in the Good and Bad Times
We’re called to gather when we’re burning in the furnace of trouble. When the heat is turned up, we’re still called to come together.
When fire’s coming from everywhere, and we think, Could this situation possibly get any worse? Could the fire possibly get any hotter? Could life possibly get any more difficult?—guess what? We’re still called to gather. In the good times and in the bad.
In the book of Exodus, we get a fascinating look at the power of women working shoulder to shoulder during the time when Israel was enslaved to Egypt:
Pharaoh, the king of Egypt, gave this order to the Hebrew midwives, Shiphrah and Puah: “When you help the Hebrew women as they give birth, watch as they deliver. If the baby is a boy, kill him; if it is a girl, let her live.” But because the midwives feared God, they refused to obey the king’s orders. They allowed the boys to live, too.
So the king of Egypt called for the midwives. “Why have you done this?” he demanded. “Why have you allowed the boys to live?”
“The Hebrew women are not like the Egyptian women,” the mid-wives replied. “They are more vigorous and have their babies so quickly that we cannot get there in time.”
So God was good to the midwives, and the Israelites continued to multiply, growing more and more powerful. And because the midwives feared God, he gave them families of their own. (1:15–21)
I love how these two midwives used their position to protect the next generation. They didn’t let the king stop them from being used by God. That is so powerful. Who are you supposed to gather with at your job, at your school, in your neighborhood? Don’t underestimate the power of gathering.
There’s a plan and a purpose for every woman created. We’re reminding the women of the world that God hasn’t forgotten about them and that He will never leave them or forsake them. That is the power of sisterhood. That is the power of gathering. Together, we push against the current.
When others judge, we love. When others gossip, we speak life. When others ignore, we lean in. We are that sisterhood. We are those girls. Speak this over yourself: “I’m that girl.” When you understand the power of a gathering of women,
you’ll be expectant about what God can do in your life, what miracles He can do on your behalf, and what battles He can fight. An old African proverb says, “If you want to go fast, go alone. But if you want to go far, go together.” We as a sisterhood go together. We’re going to go farther. We’re not alone. We’re for one another. We believe in one another. We speak life into one another. We’re one another’s cheerleaders. You can cheer in a skirt or combat boots as long as you’re cheering for somebody. We believe that we’re called to do exceedingly abundantly more than we could ever ask, think, or imagine. But we can’t let one another make the journey alone; we need to say, “You know what? I’m going with you.” If you’re reading this, we’re in this life together. You’re not alone.
Gather with the Presence
Finally, Matthew 18:20 says, “Where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them” (NIV). God is here right now with you, He is here in your storm, and He is here to bring break-through. Whatever fire you’re facing, whatever storm, I’m believing that heaven is going to invade Earth on your behalf.
We come from a long line of women who gathered with purpose and power. Deborah and Jael double-teamed the enemy and took him down. And as we saw in the last chapter, Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Susanna, and many other women helped fund Jesus’s ministry. I think about the women who gathered around the tomb to prepare Jesus’s body for burial. All throughout Scripture, we see how when women gather together, God shows up. Hebrews 12 tells us that we’re surrounded by a cloud of witnesses and urges us to throw off everything that hinders and entangles us. When we gather together, we help one another throw down weights that would try to hold us back.
If you’ve had trouble finding an amazing church or healthy community, I encourage you to start a neighborhood or online Bible study. Maybe consider starting an office Bible study or workout group. If you’re in school, consider asking a few girls to work out with you or do a book study together. You can form the community you’re craving. Another great way to meet people is to volunteer in your community. You will be surprised by the women you meet outside your comfort zone.
Oneka McClellan, author ofBorn Royal, is a writer, speaker, and lead pastor with her husband, Earl, of Shoreline City Church in Dallas, Texas. The McClellans are also co-hosts of the podcast With So Much Love, E+O. Passionate about sisterhood, Oneka challenges the way women think about themselves and encourages them to unite to bring goodness to the world. She has appeared on TBN and speaks frequently at churches and events. She and Earl are the parents of three children.
Many of us grow up in families where our parents do not treat us very well. We are emotionally abused; however, we are not physically abused. Due to not being physically abused, many people do not take our concerns seriously because our “safety was never at risk.” If a person undergoes any type of abuse, it is damaging and painful. If a person was not physically abused, that does not mean they did not undergo trauma or lasting pain.
Emotional abuse is just as dangerous and harmful as physical abuse. While some people might argue with me, they cannot understand the pain unless they have actually gone through emotional abuse themselves. As someone who has gone through emotional abuse by my parents, I can share that it is extremely painful and traumatizing and has affected my life in the worst ways possible. Instead of being in a home of love and safety, I was constantly afraid of who was going to yell at me, get upset with me, or insult me.
I love both of my parents; however, I am not sure that they ever loved me because their actions and words showed the exact opposite. Rather than having parents who supported me in my struggles, my parents demonized me, yelled at me, and seemed to hate me.
From the trauma of my teenage years, I had to seek therapy as an adult. Through therapy, I have learned how to process these traumatic experiences. Part of processing these experiences is grieving the relationship I wanted to have with my parents. By taking time to grieve, I have been able to move forward in the healing process, and I now can help others who are going through similar situations.
If you are finding yourself in a similar place, know that there is help out there. Through therapy, turning to God, and support from other believers, you can live an abundant life (John 10:10). Life is yours for the taking, and there is no room for the pain of the past to hold you back any longer.
All of Your Pain Is Valid
Before we move forward, I want you to know that all of your pain is valid. Being emotionally abused and destroyed by your parents is extremely painful. I have likened my own pain to feeling as though you are being swallowed by the ocean. Each time my parents would get mad at me or say a hurtful word, I wanted to allow the giant sea waves to engulf me. In this way, I could finally escape.
I want you to know that feeling angry, hurt, and even bitter is understandable. We’re human. There is no timeline as to when you will heal from this pain, but friend, rest in the knowledge that peace is possible. Lasting peace is found in the Lord (John 14:27). As I have been processing my pain, I have seen that God is all I need. My mother and father have forsaken me, but the Lord receives me (Psalm 27:10). The Lord will receive you too, welcoming you with open arms.
As you are healing from the hurt inflicted by your parents, you will benefit from added resources like therapy. Christian therapy is ideal; however, if there are no Christian therapists in your area, a regular therapist should be able to help too. Therapy is beneficial to healing from emotional abuse as it gives us a safe place to express our feelings, share them, and seek out help. Much of my own healing has been through therapy, and I cannot recommend it enough.
Through therapy, you can learn how to replace the hurtful words of your parents with the truth of the Bible. Whenever you are tempted to dwell on a hurtful comment, a manipulative statement, or an insult, choose to turn to God. Open up your Bible, reflect on what God says, and allow it to change your heart. Choose to listen to God instead of your parents. He is the One who loves you with a perfect love and wants the best for your life.
Our Parents’ Non-Existent Love Versus God’s Unconditional Love
As children, we normally build our parents up to be untouchable. They are our biggest heroes until they hurt us one day. After this first hurt, it seems to start a domino effect where we grow up understanding just how imperfect our parents are. My parents have both said hurtful words to me, which will never be forgotten. While I have forgiven them, I will never forget these words and the pain they have caused me.
Due to my parents’ emotional abuse, I developed self-hate, low self-esteem, and a negative self-image. Each of these things created the perfect storm for the development of depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. I have not truly recovered from any of these mental health concerns, and to be honest, I’m not sure if I ever will. If your parents convince you that you are unlovable, not worthy, and not valuable, how then can you ever expect to feel good about yourself?
I have often posed the question, “If my own parents don’t love me, who will?” Maybe you have also battled with this question. Personally, it has kept me up more nights than I would like to admit. The good news is that God loves us (John 3:16). Even if our parents don’t love us, God does, and His love is unshakable. The love He has for us will never be broken.
The Apostle Paul tells us, “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:37-39). This means that nothing can separate us from the love of God, which is found in Jesus Christ.
Our parents may have made us feel unlovable, unworthy, and not valuable, but we are lovable, worthy, and valuable because God tells us we are. Our parents have failed us, yet God never will. Choose to reflect on God’s love instead of your parents’ love. Once you can start doing this, everything will pale in comparison to the fulfillment and acceptance you receive from God.
Learning to Let Go and Trust God with the Future
Part of moving forward is letting go and forgiving our parents. Forgiveness is hard, yet it is something that God wants us to do (Ephesians 4:32). We already have to carry around the pain of our past. We don’t need to force ourselves to carry grudges against our parents too. Give all of the pain, hurt, and unforgiveness over to God. He will give you lasting relief and healing.
This is what I discovered must be done because the longer I held onto the pain, the more it controlled me. Once we can let go and give matters over to God, we can move forward with the future God has for us.
As soon as we are truly moving forward in God’s plans for our lives, we will see how much our parents were wrong about us. We are lovable, and many people will find great joy in our presence. There will be people who love us and will want to support us in our healing journey. Through the love of friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, and a partner, God will help us to know we are loved. Never do we need to doubt the measures He will go to help us know we are loved by Him.
Look to the Lord today and allow Him to heal your broken heart (Psalm 147:3). Your parents might have destroyed you, but this is not the end of your story. It is only the beginning. There will be struggles along the way, but you can trust God. He loves you far beyond measure. As a beloved child of God, you can trust Him with your future.
Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.
Some families pay thousands of dollars to store their children’s stem cells with the hope of a healthier future for them. But Sarah Kliff, an investigative health care reporter for The New York Times, explains that the cells are rarely useful and are sometimes contaminated.
After a rough spot in marriage, it is common to feel as though you may have married the wrong person. Once you see the way they handle conflicts or how they get irritable after a long day, it is easy to think you vowed yourself to a person you don’t even know.
Although this is a hard question to come to terms with, most married people have asked this question to themselves after they have been married. Varying from the first few months of marriage to a few years in, I have had many friends wonder if they made the wrong decision when they chose their spouse.
Now, if you are married to someone and they are abusing you in any way, you do need to leave. In this case, you can be assured you did marry the wrong person. This is not the person God wants for you. He wants you to marry someone who loves you as He loves the Church (Ephesians 5:21-32). If your spouse is abusing you, whether emotionally, physically, or sexually, it is time to leave and file divorce papers.
However, if you are just going through a rough patch in your marriage, it does not mean you have married the wrong person. All of us are fallen and we all fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). This means that we all do bad things, and this includes our spouse. It can be hurtful when our spouse forgets something important to us or when they get frustrated after a long day at work, but these things alone do not mean that we married the wrong person.
Did I Ruin God’s Will for My Life?
As mentioned, just because your spouse messes up sometimes and has emotional problems that they need to deal with doesn’t mean you have married the wrong person. Most of the time when someone is worried about marrying the wrong person, it is because they think they have ruined God’s will for their life. Know that this is not true and you are exactly where God wants you to be. Your spouse still loves you despite their forgetfulness, emotional struggles, or distress after a long work day.
Many of us think that our spouses are perfect. As women, we especially have a habit of building our husbands up in a way that makes them untouchable. Unfortunately, our husbands are not perfect. They are fallen sinners just like us. Since they are sinners and we are sinners, it is not surprising that we run into problems. Thankfully, we are not left alone in our struggles and troubles.
We can turn to God when we are having trouble in our marriage and lean on Him for support. Start praying for each other and consider doing Christian marriage counseling if you think it will be beneficial. If you and your spouse are having a hard time communicating and working through issues, Christian marriage counseling could be the perfect thing for your marriage. You don’t have to wait for something detrimental to happen, like infidelity, to start Christian marriage counseling—you can start now and begin working through present issues that pertain to your marriage.
Your spouse is your spouse—he is not a knight in shining armor. He has faults and flaws just as we all do. Remember this when you are thinking you have married the wrong person. Sometimes it can be helpful if we self-reflect too. Rather than passing the blame on our spouse, we need to look at our own faults and flaws.
Once we can do this, we will start to show more grace. Maybe your spouse has a bad habit of not communicating their needs properly. Instead of getting upset with them, talk matters out with them and help them learn how to communicate their needs better with you. Once again, this is also a great opportunity to get started with Christian marriage counseling. Christian marriage counseling can do wonders for your marriage and help you know that you have, indeed, married the right person. There just might be a few communication issues getting in the way.
How Can I Be Sure I Married the Right Person?
In addition to seeking out Christian marriage counseling, you can also turn to God with your concerns. He always needs to be the first One we turn to. God has a way of showing you all the wonderful reasons you married your spouse when you are doubtful. Maybe it is his smile, the way he makes you laugh, or the way he makes you feel safe. Reflect on the reasons you married your spouse and all the ways they have been there for you and supported you.
When you married your spouse, you were certain he or she was the one. Wives, if you are doubtful of your husband now, think about all the things you love about him. Husbands, if you are doubtful of your wife, reflect on all the things you love about her. Doing this practice daily can help you show more grace to your spouse and ensure you clear up any doubts in your mind.
Despite the false reality being presented on social media, nobody’s marriage is perfect. Everyone has their own struggles and troubles when it comes to marriage. This is because we live in a fallen world and, sadly, even our spouses can hurt our feelings or behave immaturely. Rather than allowing these wounds to stay open and fester, talk matters over with your spouse. In other words, if they have hurt your feelings, find a respectful way to tell them your concerns upfront.
It is much better to talk about problems rather than suppressing them. Be open with your spouse and this will help cultivate a better marriage rooted in honesty. God wants you to communicate with your spouse and continue to cultivate your marriage. Your marriage is built upon God, which can help give you strength when the days are hard.
Is it Even Possible to Marry the Wrong Person?
While it is possible to marry the wrong person, it is not likely unless your spouse is abusing you or being unfaithful to you. If any of these willfully deceitful and manipulative things are happening, it’s best to reassess the situation. However, if your spouse is just showing a few errors in their life or a few areas of struggle, it just means we live in a fallen world and our spouse isn’t perfect.
It is hard to come to this realization, but the sooner we realize our spouse is flawed, the sooner it will help our marriages become stronger. You and your spouse can improve your marriage by pushing each other to follow Jesus more in your everyday life. Through encouraging and building each other up, your marriage will grow as you will both depend more on God.
Marriage takes hard work, energy, and effort. Sadly, marriage is not happily ever after because that would mean it was simple. In order to have a beautiful marriage, both spouses have to be willing to put in the work. This means that you and your spouse will consistently search out ways to better follow Jesus and extend His love in your marriage. There will be days when you will be angry or frustrated with your spouse, but you have to choose compassion and grace.
Lean on support from the Lord and go to Him in prayer. Allow Him to help you and give you guidance for the future. You did not marry the wrong person just because you are having difficulties now. In a few years, you will look back and see how you and your spouse have grown in your marriage. While marriage will still be difficult at times, you will be better equipped to work through the problems with the help of God.
Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.
When you lose a spouse, it’s like losing a part of yourself. Your partner was the person you shared everything with—your joys, fears, and daily routines. The absence of that emotional support can feel like a gaping hole in your heart. Those quiet moments, like sharing a morning coffee or discussing your day before bed, become stark reminders of your loss.
You might find yourself talking to their photograph or memory, yearning for those intimate conversations. It’s perfectly natural to miss those small yet significant interactions. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is near unto them that are of a broken heart, and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” This verse reassures us that even in our deepest sorrow, God is close and offering us comfort and understanding.
Social loneliness is another layer to this grief. Activities that once brought you joy now highlight your solitude. Fun and basic activities such as going to church, attending family gatherings, or participating in social events can be painful because your spouse is no longer by your side. And no matter how you try to mask it when you’re in public, the sight of couples or families can intensify your feelings of isolation.
So, it’s important to recognize these feelings and permit yourself to grieve. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who understand your loss. Remember, Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Sharing your feelings with others can lighten the heavy load of loneliness.
Losing a spouse can even impact your spiritual life. You might find yourself questioning God or struggling to feel His presence. This spiritual loneliness can make you feel spiritually disconnected.
In these moments of doubt, it’s helpful to remember that questioning and seeking understanding are part of the journey. The Scripture says in Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.” It’s okay to struggle and seek answers, but keep trusting that God has a purpose, even when it’s hard to see.
Finding Comfort and Hope
When dealing with loneliness after losing a spouse, it is important to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel and process your emotions. Seek support from friends, family, and your faith community. Remember that God is always with you, even in your darkest hours.
As you navigate this challenging time, lean on the words of the Bible for comfort and strength. Cling to God’s promise in Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” This promise reminds us that comfort and peace will come, even during our deepest sorrow.
Dealing with the loss of a spouse is incredibly tough, and finding solace in faith can be a powerful way to navigate this challenging time.
Here are some thoughtful ways to get through this feeling:
1. Lean on Your Faith and Trust in God
Losing a spouse can shake you to your core, making it hard to see beyond the pain. But remember, Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is near unto them that are of a broken heart, and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” Trusting that God has a plan, even when it’s hard to understand, can bring comfort. Spend time in prayer and read your Bible regularly. Let His words be a lamp for your feet during these dark times.
2. Connect with Your Church Community
Isolation can make loneliness worse, but God doesn’t want you to go through this alone. Remember, the church is not only a place to worship but also a family because we believers have been tasked with this duty and responsibility in Galatians 6:2: “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Therefore, in your time of grief, do not hesitate to reach out to fellow believers, join small Christly groups, and engage in church activities. Having a circle of encouraging friends around you can uplift your mood and be a constant reminder that you are not alone.
3. Embrace New Routines and Hobbies
After losing your spouse, your daily life changes drastically. It’s now important that you find new routines and interests to fill the void. The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 3:1, “To everything, there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” So, whether it’s volunteering, gardening, painting, or any other hobby, endeavor to find joy in new activities, as doing so will help ease your feeling of loneliness. These activities can also be a way to honor your spouse’s memory by doing something they loved or that you both enjoyed together.
4. Seek Professional and Pastoral Support
Grief can be overwhelming in a time like this, and sometimes, talking to a professional counselor or your pastor can be incredibly beneficial. That is why Proverbs 11:14 says, “Where no counsel is, the people fall, but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” A Christian therapist can provide you with the necessary tools to help you cope with your grief while keeping your faith at the center of your healing process. Also, pastors can offer spiritual guidance, pray with you, and help you find peace in God’s promises.
5. Reflect on Happy Memories
I understand that losing someone you love deeply is incredibly hard, and at first, it might seem unbearable to even think about the good times you had. But here’s the thing: reflecting on those happy memories can bring a sense of peace and comfort. Take some time to create a memory book filled with photos, letters, and little keepsakes that remind you of the wonderful moments you shared.
Maybe it’s that favorite vacation, a special anniversary, or just those simple, everyday moments that made your life together so rich. Looking through this memory book can be like having a warm conversation with your spouse, keeping their spirit alive in your heart. Doing this is a way to celebrate the love you had, which remains a beautiful part of who you are.
6. Take Care of Your Physical Health
Grief doesn’t just affect your heart and mind—it can really impact your body too. That’s why you must strive to take good care of yourself physically, no matter how you feel. The best approach is to start small, like going for a daily walk. Fresh air and a bit of movement can do wonders for lifting your mood and giving you a bit more energy.
Also, eat nutritious meals and make sure you get enough rest too. When you’re eating well and sleeping enough, you’re giving your body the tools it needs to stay strong. And when your body feels stronger, it can help you feel more capable of handling all the emotional ups and downs that come with grief.
7. Allow Yourself to Grieve
Grief is a personal journey, and there’s no right or wrong way to go through it. It’s important to allow yourself to feel everything you’re feeling. Maybe some days you’re sad; other days you might feel angry; and sometimes you might even feel a sense of relief. All these emotions are normal, and it’s okay to feel them.
Under no circumstances should you judge yourself for having a tough day; it’s all part of the healing process. So, be gentle with yourself and understand that it’s perfectly okay to have days when you don’t feel strong. You must understand that healing is a journey, and it takes time. Allow yourself that time, and know that it’s okay to lean on others for support when you need it.
One of the most significant losses a person may go through is losing a spouse, and the loneliness that follows can be unbearable. But keep in mind that you are not traveling alone.
Important stages towards healing include relying on your faith, being involved in your church community, establishing new habits, asking for help, thinking back on pleasant memories, taking care of your physical health, and allowing yourself to grieve.
Hold on to the comforting promise from the Bible in Isaiah 41:10 that says, “Fear thou not; for I am with thee; be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.” God is with you every step of the way, offering strength and comfort. Be kind to yourself, take each day as it comes, and ask for help when you need it.
Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.
July 3rd, 2024, marks my husband Ben’s and my first year of marriage. Most people look forward to celebrating fireworks on the 4th, but the fireworks in our hearts began just a day earlier.
Ben and I dated for just over five years before we got married. In some ways, marriage has been exactly what I thought it would be. My husband is still the same person I married. Things that annoyed me while dating him still annoy me now. But I love the things I loved about him while we were dating even more now. I’m sure he could say the same about me.
In other veins, marriage has not been what I expected or anticipated. Most days, I find myself thinking, “How in the world do Mom and Grandma manage everything they do?” More often than not, I end my days pondering, “How will I ever get it all done with so much to do?”
While marriage has been a blend of what I’ve thought it would and wouldn’t be, I can say with certainty that it’s worth it. Every ounce of pain, tears, and conflict we’ve faced has been countered by immeasurable joy, love, and resolution. As our former pastor quoted in his charge to us the day we got married: “Marriage is a gift of God, given to comfort the sorrows of life and magnify the joys. Marriage is the clasping of hands, the blending of hearts, the union of two lives as one. Your marriage must stand on more than a piece of paper. It must stand in the strength of your love and by the power of your faith in one another and in God.”
At the end of the charge, our pastor encouraged us to embrace three covenants of marriage: faith, hope, and love. Just as Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 13, the same charge should be applied to us today, “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” (v. 13, NIV).
As I reminisce over the the last year, and the lessons I’ve learned as a new wife, there are three things I’d like to share with you. Whether you’re married, dating, single, or looking to grow in your faith, I hope these truths can serve as a source of encouragement and strength:
1. The Importance of Communication
Before Ben and I got married, numerous people told us to prioritize communication with our spouse to be, and with our Creator. The same is still true and applicable today. Marriage doesn’t change our need for interaction with others. In fact, some might say it exasperates it.
Communication is an important factor in any relationship. This is why knowing how to talk to God and your spouse or significant other is so valuable. How we communicate also matters.
James 1:19 is a life verse we should all take heed of and apply to our lives in the way we interact with and speak to others: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (NIV).
While this Scripture is much easier said than done, it’s a good goal to keep in mind. Christ reminds us to pursue excellence in all we do, and that extends into our speaking, listening, and talking skills (Philippians 4:8; Matthew 5:48). Surely, being patient, hearing to understand, and thinking before we respond are all habits we can pursue both inside the confines of marriage and out.
Proverbs 18:21 summarizes our key point best in these words: “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits” (ESV).
Communication must be open, vulnerable, honest, and kind, but above all, it must be Christ-like. The reason communication is so detrimental to any relationship is because of the immense power and value the words we say and use hold.
One of the biggest things I’ve learned this last year is the power of those words. My husband can’t read my mind, and I can’t read his. I get the assumption yours can’t follow suit either. Even couples who know one another best and have been together for decades will never get it all right. We’re not mind readers! But I believe God intentionally created us this way for a reason.
In May, I was going through a stressful time. I’d just resigned from teaching, had surgery, and attended my first writing conference. One evening in particular, I told my husband I was struggling to communicate with God and didn’t have the mental energy to pray or read my Bible. He told me that God still desired to hear from me that day. Then he asked me how I’d feel if he went an entire day without talking to me. Though I got offended at first and just wanted him to validate the exhaustion I was feeling, he had a point.
Even though God is God and already knows everything about me, He still wants me to talk to Him. He also still wants to hear from you! Jesus Christ is the greatest mind reader of all time, and still, communication is vital to my relationship with Him. Why would we expect our relationships with other humans to be any different?
2. The Value of Playfulness
About six months into marriage, I quickly realized our communication was improving, but our playfulness was dying. It wasn’t until we were in the middle of a Kroger run—the third time that month we were supposed to be on a date—that we discovered we were sacrificing date time for chores. Maybe you can relate?
Life is busy. Adulting is busy. Marriage is busy. No one ever said squashing two lives into one was easy or less busy. But learning to value and prioritize playfulness needs to fit into your busy schedule if you intend for your relationship to succeed and thrive!
In Ephesians 5, the roles of husbands and wives are discussed. One thing you may have never noticed, however, is that marriage is to be a source of life and joy—not life and joy to replace that which Christ gives, but to join with it in harmony.
Not only is playfulness a sign of a happy marriage, but it’s also a sign of a healthy, productive, and functioning one. Playfulness doesn’t mean being rude or insincere with our words. It also doesn’t mean forsaking responsibility for all fun and games. But godly playfulness takes delight in the gift of marriage that God has given us.
Phylicia Masonheimer, author and theologian, describes playfulness in our relationship with God and our spouse this way:
“What would it do to our relationship with God, viewing Him as playful? When I first considered this I was in the middle of my “flirtation experiment” with Josh. We were in a dry-ish season of marriage and I wanted to put some fun back into it. I made a list of 30 “flirtation” ideas and did one a day, recording my feelings and his response. One of my experiments was “playfulness”. I told jokes. I did a silly dance. I surprised him with water balloons after work. He was a little surprised at first. While I readily laugh at his jokes, I’m not the one to initiate silliness! But by making an effort in this area I noticed Josh’s joy increasing, his own readiness to make me laugh increasing, and – what surprised me most – my own love increasing. Laughing together, playing together, brought us closer together. I began to wonder: If I laughed with God… would I feel closer to Him? God is a spirit, not a human, so “laughing” with Him was very different from laughing with Josh. The very concept probably sounds abstract. But based on what Scripture says about God’s joy, I take for granted that the Lord wants to hear from me – in good or bad, joy or sorrow. I started sharing the things I found hilarious with the Lord. I would actually pray them to Him as if I was telling a friend.”
Though it’s a lengthy quote, I think Masonheimer hits the nail on the head when it comes to articulating our playfulness with our spouse and our Creator.
3. The Priority of Christ
A little over five years ago, when Ben and I first started dating, I worried about prioritizing my relationship with Christ and a romantic relationship. The more I sought the Lord and His Word, however, I was affirmed of this truth: The greater I pursue Jesus, the more love I’ll have to lavish on another person. The less I pursue Him, the less I’ll have available to give. We cannot pour out love if we aren’t seeking Love Himself.
The longer I’m married, the more I see the importance of prioritizing Christ in my marriage. What does that practically look like? Ben and I are far from mastering this concept, but here are a few things we’ve found that work for us.
-Spend time reading the Bible, praying, and talking to God on your own, but also spend time doing those things as a couple. While this can sound overwhelming, it doesn’t have to be. Daily, I read the Word, pray, and talk to God, but weekly, Ben and I pray and study together. Sometimes we utilize a morning or evening devotional we can do on our own time and then regroup later because it works for our flexibility. Feel free to try out practices and see what works best for you.
-Go to church and small group together. It might sound obvious, but attending Church and fellowship outings as a couple not only helps us prioritize our relationship with God but one another. While it’s taken us time to get settled into a place we could call home or find people our age to study the Scriptures with, both have been well-worthy investments. If you’re struggling to find good options, don’t be afraid to look for online study groups, and try new places.
Pursuing Christ is the highest calling you’ll ever receive, and it’s only through and in that relationship you’ll ever be able to successfully prioritize loving others.
What’s the biggest thing you’ve learned from being married? What advice would you give someone who’s getting married or just got married? I encourage you to share those thoughts with someone you love today. I’m certainly not an expert, but I’m choosing to grow and learn along the way.
Amber Ginter is a teacher-turned-author who loves Jesus, her husband Ben, and granola. Growing up Amber looked for faith and mental health resources and found none. Today, she offers hope for young Christians struggling with mental illness that goes beyond simply reading your Bible and praying more. Because you can love Jesus and still suffer from anxiety. You can download her top faith and mental health resources for free to help navigate books, podcasts, videos, and influencers from a faith lens perspective. Visit her website at amberginter.com.
Have you ever been in a class or meeting at church and it seemed like the same people were doing all the talking week after week? How did it feel to have something to say and not be able to share? Maybe you are too polite or reserved to push your way into the conversation to share what you think.
How about picking up your preschooler from childcare at church and having the teacher tell you, “She’s so shy.” The labels start at a young age and follow your precious child as they get older, leaving them with hurt feelings of being “defective”.
In a world that often rewards the loudest voices and the quickest responses, it’s important to recognize and appreciate the value of quiet thinkers among us. Christian communities, just like any other, consist of diverse personalities, including those who may not be quick to speak yet possess deep wisdom and insight. Understanding and valuing these quiet individuals, especially as children of God, can enrich our interactions, strengthen the Body of Christ, and grow us personally.
The Bible offers wonderful wisdom on the virtues of thinking, being quiet, and reflecting. These scriptures remind us of the importance of listening and valuing the contributions of those who may not be the first to speak:
–James 1:19: “You know this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Now everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.”
–Proverbs 17:27-28: “One who withholds his words has knowledge, And one who has a cool spirit is a person of understanding. Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; When he closes his lips, he is considered prudent.”
–Ecclesiastes 3:7: “A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; A time to be silent and a time to speak.”
The virtues of being thoughtful and restrained in speech encourage us to slow down and be attentive listeners, creating space for those who may take a bit longer to express their thoughts.
The Value of Quiet Thinkers
Quiet thinkers bring unique strengths to our Christian communities. Their tendency to reflect deeply before speaking means that when they do share, their contributions are often thorough and insightful. Here are several reasons to appreciate and make space for quiet thinkers:
-Quiet individuals often spend significant time reflecting on issues, leading to profound insights and thoughtful solutions.
-They are generally good listeners, providing a calming presence and often noticing things that others might miss.
-When they do speak, their words are usually carefully chosen and meaningful, adding significant value to discussions.
-Their patience and restraint in conversation can serve as a model for others, fostering a more respectful and slower-paced, thoughtful environment.
Challenges Quiet Thinkers Face
Quiet thinkers often face several challenges in environments that prioritize quick thinking and outspoken contributions. Understanding these challenges can help us create more welcoming opportunities for them to share, regardless if they are children or adults.
-Intimidation by Dominant Voices: In settings where quick thinkers and speakers dominate, quiet thinkers might feel intimidated and be reluctant to share.
-Misinterpreted as Disinterested: Quietness can sometimes be misinterpreted as disinterest or a lack of engagement. In reality, quiet individuals are often deeply engaged and are simply processing their thoughts before speaking.
Consider the example of a quiet child in a noisy classroom. When asked why she doesn’t talk at school, she might respond, “There are a lot of kids, and the kids are loud.” This is often seen as a problem with the quiet child who gets labeled as quiet or shy, and the loud children are seen as “normal”. In adult circles, the same thing happens where those who dominate conversations and fail to realize that others may have something valuable to say are seen as active participants. Those who don’t share are labeled as quiet and non-contributors when they truly had no opportunity to contribute to the discussion.
Action Steps for Engaging Quiet Thinkers
If you are a quick thinker or someone who is eager to share your opinion in a group setting, there are practical steps you can take to ensure that quiet thinkers in the group have the opportunity to share their insights:
1. Ask Direct Questions
Engage quiet thinkers by asking them direct questions. This can provide them with the opportunity to share their thoughts in a space where they feel invited to speak. For example:
“What do you think about this, (insert name)?”
“(Insert name), how would you approach this situation?”
2. Allow for Pauses in Conversation
Silence can be uncomfortable, and most of us rush to fill it. Allowing pauses in the conversation gives quiet thinkers the space they need to gather their thoughts and contribute.
Practice waiting a few seconds after someone speaks before jumping in with your response.
3. Encourage Written Responses
Some people may feel more comfortable expressing their thoughts in writing. Encourage the use of written communication in group settings, such as emails, notes, or online discussions.
“If you have any thoughts later, feel free to share them in our group chat or through email.”
4. Create Smaller Discussion Groups
Large group settings can be intimidating for quiet thinkers. Organize smaller discussion groups or one-on-one conversations to make it easier for them to share their thoughts.
“Let’s break into smaller groups so everyone has a chance to share.”
5. Model Active Listening
Demonstrate active listening by summarizing what others have said and asking follow-up questions. This shows that you value their input and encourages participation.
“What I hear you saying is ________. Does that sound correct?”
6. Acknowledge and Appreciate Contributions
Publicly acknowledge the contributions of quiet thinkers to show that their input is valued and appreciated. This encourages them to continue sharing.
“That’s a great point, (insert name). Thank you for sharing your perspective.”
Growth Steps for Quiet Thinkers
Just because you are a quiet thinker doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t make an effort to participate in group settings. Here are a few tips for quiet thinkers to take steps to grow personally and become more comfortable with sharing their thoughts:
-Use Breath Prayers: When feeling anxious about sharing in a group, use a simple breath prayer where you breathe in and say to yourself, “Made in God’s image.” As you breathe out, say to yourself, “I can show up.” This can calm your nerves and remind you that you can do all things through Christ (Phillippians 4:13).
-Take Initiative: Challenge yourself to contribute at least one comment in every meeting or discussion. Even a brief comment can build your confidence over time.
-Prepare in Advance: If possible, review discussion topics beforehand and jot down your thoughts. This can make it easier to contribute when the time comes.
-Follow Up: If you need more time to process, offer to share your thoughts later. “I’ll email my thoughts after I’ve had a chance to sit with this,” is a perfectly acceptable response.
One type of thinker is not inherently better than the other. Quick thinkers and quiet thinkers both bring valuable perspectives to the table, and recognizing this range of personalities enriches our Christian community. The important thing to remember is to be aware of how you show up in group discussions and make adjustments as needed. In the 21st century, where constant noise often drowns out quieter voices, it’s crucial to cultivate environments, especially in church settings, where everyone has space and feels comfortable to contribute.
By taking practical steps to engage quiet thinkers and by quiet individuals stepping out of their comfort zones, we can work together to help everyone feel heard and valued. This approach not only honors the biblical admonition to be slow to speak and quick to listen but fosters a richer, more respectful Christian community where varied perspectives can be shared.
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