Tag: Mary Southerland

8 Keys to a Happy, Healthy Marriage

All weddings are happy. It’s living together afterward that causes all the trouble.

Mrs. Billy Graham was asked, “Have you ever considered divorce?” “No,” she responded. “Murder many times but never divorce!”

It sometimes feels like my marriage is this tiny outpost in the middle of enemy territory, and the enemy is shooting at us from every side! This world is not the friend of marriage. The good news is that God is the friend of marriage. Marriage is God’s plan, his idea, and his design.

I know you are just like me. You want a great marriage, but you may feel that your marriage has endured too much pain and that there is no hope of improvement. But, no matter where you are or where you have been in your marriage, the rest of your marriage can be the best part of it.

Dan and I have been married for 46 years. Our marriage is stronger and better than it has ever been. Let me share some of the keys to a healthy marriage God has taught us along the way.

Key one: When the going gets tough, the tough stay right where they are!

Ephesians 5:31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

An essential key to a successful marriage is commitment. The Spanish explorer Cortes knew what commitment was. He insisted on it from his men when they landed in Mexico to invade the land of the Aztecs. Sensing the crew’s fear and hesitation, he gathered them all onshore and set fire to the ships. Cortez turned to his men and said, “Now, there can be no turning back.”

That is the kind of commitment we need in our marriages. But unfortunately, we live in a world of “throw-away” marriages. If it doesn’t work, we throw the relationship away and find another, but Jesus is big on commitment. Jesus told a parable about a man who found a valuable pearl in a field. The man immediately sold everything he had to buy the field so the pearl would be his. Of course, he would be left with nothing if the pearl was worthless. But he was willing to take the risk.

For marriage to be what God designed it to be, we must choose to be committed to our mate and our marriage. Commitment is not based on feelings. Feelings cannot build a solid marriage. Love is not the basis for marriage. Marriage is the basis for love.

Hold on to your commitment to God. Hold on to your commitment to your marriage.

Key two: Accept your mate and change yourself.

Colossians 3:13-14 “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

The marriage relationship has a specific dynamic. If one person in the relationship changes, the whole relationship changes. We keep trying to make sure that our mate is the one that changes.

I approached marriage and my new husband like buying an old house. I couldn’t wait to see it remodeled. Wasn’t Dan fortunate to have married the Holy Spirit? I tried to change him. I just wanted Dan to be more like me! I learned that we can be different without being right or wrong!

We need to celebrate our differences. Differences can either rip us apart or add great flavor to a relationship. Unfortunately, the things we try so hard to change are the very things that attract us to our mates in the first place.

He used to be carefree. Now he is irresponsible.

He used to be determined. Now he is stubborn.

He used to be more concerned about inward qualities than outward appearances. Now he is sloppy.

Acceptance and approval are two different things. What would happen if you unconditionally accepted your mate? What would happen if we took the energy we wasted trying to change him and used it to change our lives?

Accept your mate. Ask the Lord what needs to be changed in your own life.

Key three: Spend time alone with your spouse.

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Amos 3:3 “Can two walk together except they be agreed?”

Weeds spring up overnight, but it takes years for a mighty oak to grow. So likewise, a great marriage takes a lot of hard work and time. We have three choices about time. We can waste it, spend it, or invest it. Busyness builds a schedule but destroys the family. A crazy life schedule has always been a battle for Dan and me.

When our children were young, we saw our marriage and children being swallowed up in a hectic schedule. We were doing wonderful things. But, unfortunately, they just weren’t the best things. So we made an important decision. We would give ourselves one year to make drastic changes or leave the ministry. We chose not to sacrifice our marriage or our children on the altar of a ministry or church.

We began taking a day off each week. Monday is my day with Dan. We sometimes go shopping or out for lunch, where we talk – setting goals, planning, dreaming, and examining our marriage to ensure we are on solid ground.

We began scheduling time away. Every two or three months, we make a plan to get away – alone. Then, when the pressure is off, we are different! It is one way to keep the romance alive in our marriage!

We began setting aside time at the end of the day to talk. This time became an essential part of our daily schedule. We talked about the day and shared whatever was on our minds, creating a connection time. Doing so kept us on the same page and was a strong statement to each other and our children about the importance of our marriage.

We learned to be part of each other’s world. I began reading the books that interested Dan. I went with him to conferences. I began to study Dan – his needs and interests, frustrations and dreams, fears and hopes. I know. We often say we don’t have the time or money, but we are saying that it is not important enough to learn how to be part of our mate’s world. But, if it is important, we will find a way to do it.

We all exchange our lives for something. But we need to make sure that the exchange is worth it!

Key four: Guard your mind.

Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatsoever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.”

Don’t allow anything or anyone into your life that will undermine your marriage.

-movies

-soap operas

-romance novels

-discontented friends

When we invite these things into our life, we are setting our marriage up for failure. In the early years of our marriage, I was addicted to soap operas. I told the woman on television to leave her rotten husband and run off with the handsome man. Needs improvement!

For the sake of our marriage, we must guard our minds.

Key five: Learn to fight fair.

Ephesians 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what helps build others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

Wow! That’s a tall order, isn’t it? But God never asks us to do anything that he will not empower us to do. For much of our marriage, I have tended to shove my anger down until some final straw makes me both hysterical and historical. Not anymore. Here are some tips that have helped me learn to fight fair.

-Pray. Bathe your conversation in prayer and ask God to give you the right words to say

when you need to have a challenging conversation with your mate.

-Pick a time and place that is good for him. That means picking a time and place to give your conversation the best chance of succeeding.

-Begin and end with affirmation.

-Be willing to accept blame.

-Express hurt – not hostility.

-Stick to the subject at hand. Don’t drag up every hurt from the past that you have buried.

-Avoid using the words “never” and “always.”

-Be solution centered.

-Understand that restoration – not winning – is the goal.

-Get outside help if you need it. That may be a mature Christian couple or a professional.

A marriage is only as good as the communication between husband and wife – especially when fighting fair.

Related: Learn to Fight Fair in Marriage

Key six: Discover your mate’s language of love!

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/YakobchukOlena

Isaiah 35:3-4 “Encourage the exhausted, strengthen the weak, say to those with an anxious heart ‘Take courage, fear not!’”

Every husband and wife has different ways of giving and receiving love.

Touch

Verbal

Service

Gifts

Time

My dad died when I was four years old. My mom showed her love for me by serving. So I grew up believing love is demonstrated by cleaning the house, buying groceries, doing the laundry, or cooking meals.

Doing these things for Dan showed him that I loved him – right? The only problem was that I needed to use the correct language. His language is touching and telling.

But since I had been molested as a child, I had trouble with communication and intimacy. So we had problems. When Dan hugged me and told me he loved me, I always thought he wanted sex. If he really loved me, he would clean the garage.

It is like going to a foreign land and insisting that the people there speak my language. It won’t work.

Learn your husband’s language of love and become fluent in it!

Key seven: Become your partner’s strongest fan.

Hebrews 3:13 “Encourage one another daily.”

Every man should be able to trust his wife and what she says about him, and every wife should be able to trust what her husband says about her.

We should count on each other to be a cheerleader!

Don’t criticize your mate to your friends or family members. You will get to the place of forgiveness, but your family and friends may not. And don’t criticize your mate to your children. I know that is hard. But it is right.

Make a list of your mate’s good points and then broadcast them!

Psalm 141:3 “Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord. Keep watch over the door of my lips.”

I once read, “Dear Lord, help me to bridle my tongue so that on judgment day, I will not be guilty of assault with a deadly weapon!”

Don’t be a dream-buster. Be a dream-sharer. Ladies, if your husband is leading you in what you feel is the wrong direction, your choices are:

-To leave him.

-To stay and make life miserable for everyone.

-To say to him,” I am committed to you. I disagree with you, but I am with you!”

Then turn your dream and him over to God, who can bring the two together in a fantastic way.

Key eight: Laugh a lot.

Proverbs 17:22 “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”

We must not get so serious about life that we lose our joy. We must always remember what it means to laugh, play, and feel like a child again.

The best marriages take a lot of work, but we need to balance that work with fun. The more challenging the marriage, the more important it is to have fun. Laughter brings healing. Humor can be a bridge over frustrating circumstances.

God wants our homes to be living illustrations of him! God wants marriage to demonstrate His love.

What choice or commitment do you need to make in your marriage? He stands ready to empower that commitment. God wants your marriage to succeed, and he wants you to find joy in your marriage. So make that commitment today, and then trust him to do it.

Related Resource: Check Out Our FREE Marriage Podcast!

Listen to our new, podcast on marriage: Team Us. The best marriages have a teamwork mentality. Find practical, realistic ideas for strengthening your marriage. Listen to an episode here, and then head over to LifeAudio.com to check out all of our episodes:

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/XiXinXing

Mary Southerland is also the Co-founder of Girlfriends in God, a conference and devotion ministry for women. Mary’s books include, Hope in the Midst of Depression, Sandpaper People, Escaping the Stress Trap, Experiencing God’s Power in Your Ministry, 10-Day Trust Adventure, You Make Me So Angry, How to Study the Bible, Fit for Life, Joy for the Journey, and Life Is So Daily. Mary relishes her ministry as a wife, a mother to their two children, Jered and Danna, and Mimi to her six grandchildren – Jaydan, Lelia, Justus, Hudson, Mo, and Nori.

Mary Southerland

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February 12, 2024
9 Ways to Keep the Romance Alive in Your Marriage

I know. The idea of keeping romance alive in marriage seems like a lot of hard work to many of us. We are trying to make it through the day – and trying to be romantic seems like one job too many. We are just plain tired! Romance is not about the big things. It’s about the small things we do to express our love for each other. Dan and I have been married for almost 46 years. It is tempting to think Dan knows how I feel about him after all these years. But God has convicted me that keeping romance alive in a marriage is a huge investment in my husband and our relationship. And that investment honors God.

Let me share how I am learning to keep the romance alive in our marriage. I have to confess that I don’t always succeed in doing all of these things well. But I am more romantic now than I was when we got married. And that is a big statement! So you can make that same investment and reap the same rewards of a happy and healthy marriage.

1. Make Christ your highest priority.

Every relationship in our lives mirrors our relationship with Christ. If we want our relationships to be healthy, we must have a healthy relationship with God. The earth is not the friend of marriage – but God is. God wants to use marriage, family, and home to display His very nature. If we want a healthy marriage, we must put Christ first in our lives.

2. After Christ, give each other top priority.

After Christ comes our marriage. When I have neglected my relationship with Dan, I have not only hurt my relationship with Dan, but I have also sinned against God.

I thought Dan would understand that I had a busy speaking schedule and an exciting ministry to women. Oh, he understood. He understood that his wife made time for total strangers, but she did not have time to talk with him. There is nothing less romantic than being made to feel you are unimportant. Talk about a romance killer! Marriage takes hard work. So does romance. Marriage must be constantly and consistently nurtured to keep the romance alive.

3. Go back to the beginning.

Do you remember the qualities you so admired in your mate when you first met? The things that made them so attractive. Sift through the memories you and your mate have made together. Those attributes that first made you notice and admire your mate will rise to the surface. Make a list of those qualities and begin to voice them aloud to your spouse, children, and friends. Doing so will rekindle the romance you once experienced in your marriage.

4. Discover your mate’s love language and learn to speak it well.

Learning your mate’s love language and how to speak it will fan the flame of romance in your marriage. Gary Chapman’s book, Five Love Languages, has had a significant impact on every relationship in my life, but especially in my marriage. We tend to think that everyone has the same love language. Not true. I have two love languages – time and gifts. My husband’s love language is touch. It can be something as simple as holding hands or scratching his back, but Dan feels loved as long as I touch him.

I recently had Covid and was pretty sick. So Dan shifted into high gear. He knows how much I love soup, so he made three different kinds. He made sure I always had something to drink. The words “Do you need anything, honey?” became his mantra. Dan willingly became my servant.

Sidebar: My whole family knows how much I love chocolate-covered cherries. A box of those scrumptious treats is always in my Christmas stocking. One afternoon during my battle with Covid, I was struggling with depression. Dan said he had to run a couple of errands. I heard the rustle of shopping bags when he returned home. My sweet husband walked into the bedroom with the biggest smile on his face and a box of chocolate-covered cherries in his hands. My husband didn’t have to say a word, but he was speaking my love language through time and gifts.

5. Set aside an hour each day to talk.

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I remember the day I realized that our family schedule was completely out of control. I was racing through each day like a madwoman between school, church, football, soccer, cheerleading, and birthday parties. Dan was the lead teaching pastor of a large church exploding in growth. The phone was constantly ringing. An important meeting, hospital visit, or counseling session of some kind seemed to claim every night of the week.

Something had to give! Our marriage was on the back burner, and I could feel our relationship beginning to splinter. A trip to the furniture store became a turning point in our marriage.

I bought a love seat for our bedroom. We didn’t have room for that little sofa, but I made room for it. And every night, Dan and I would sit on that love seat for at least an hour and talk through our days. Problems, fears, hopes, and dreams all came to light as we sat and talked. It was amazing! Laughter replaced tears. Problems were solved. Fear gave way to peace. When one dream died, we dreamed another one as we sat face to face.

Time together each day did not come easily. So many voices clamored for our attention, but as we talked and shared our hearts, we learned to hear God’s voice above all the rest. To keep the romance in your marriage, commit to spending time with each other every day.

6. Have fun together. Don’t forget how to laugh.

I don’t know about you, but it seems like a helicopter is always landing in our lives. It is easy to get so serious and overwhelmed by daily battles that we forget to have fun together. Remember fun? Laughter?

Date nights have seemingly become a requirement for having fun with your mate. Of course, it is nice to have a night away from home, but it is also fun to curl up together with popcorn and ice cream, watching a movie in your living room.

We often have the wrong idea when it comes to romance. Romance does not have to be complicated. The conversation does not have to be scripted. Just share whatever pops into your mind and heart. I love the truth that if you laugh more days, you will have more days to laugh with your mate.

7. Keep a long-term perspective.

The tyranny of little things can be toxic in a marriage. Extra charges on a credit card, a cluttered house, sharp and angry words – will any of those things matter when your mate is gone? Think about the day you will stand beside your mate as they die. Will the things that irritate you today be important in the grand scheme of things? If we let them, the minor irritations can snowball into significant roadblocks.

Learning to discern what is important in a marriage is crucial to the success of that marriage. Romance has died on the altar of what seems to be significant and urgent in many marriages. Don’t get so caught up in the here and now that you lose sight of the big picture – a lifetime of commitment and love.

We can cultivate the habit of dismissing the small things and concentrating on the big things like love, patience, kindness, goodness, and self-control. Romance will thrive when we choose to look beyond the faults of our mates and see their needs.

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/XiXinXing

8. Maintain your appearance.

Oh boy! I know I hit a nerve on this one. But I also know that I am guilty of just letting my appearance go because, after all, Dan is the only one who will see me. Right? Since Covid first began, I have battled a lazy attitude regarding my appearance. Baggy pants, a t-shirt, and a sweatshirt are sometimes my wardrobe for the day. I may or may not brush my teeth and fix my hair. Makeup? That is only for days when I go out. I’m just keeping it real.

I remember when Dan and I were dating. I had very little money, but I could always find a way to dress in a way that he found attractive. Dan was important to me. He didn’t love me because of how I dressed, but I loved him and wanted him to be proud of how I looked.

Women often hide behind 1 Peter 3:3-4 when it comes to their outer appearance. But read these verses carefully. Peter is cautioning us not to allow our outward appearance to be our only source of beauty.

1 Peter 3:3-4 “Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.”

Yes, God is much more interested in who we are inside than he is with our outward appearance. A gentle, quiet spirit is so much more important than our clothes, how we style our hair, the makeup we wear – our outward adornment. I know that. But having an inner source of beauty does not mean we have to neglect our outward appearance to be godly. After all, I am a child of the King. I want to dress like a child of the King. Does that mean I have to wear designer clothes? No! I have a shopping rule – never buy anything at full price. I have learned that when I shower, do my hair, put on a little makeup, wear a nice outfit, and tell Dan I did all of that just for him, I can see the spark of romance in his eyes.

9. Keep your love life interesting.

It is easy for your love life to become, well, a little boring and routine. I know this is a complex subject for many married couples. But a thriving love life refers to a healthy sex life and a life of intimacy. Intimacy is a crucial part of marriage and may very well be the most vital part of your love life. Sex and intimacy are not the same things.

We have a friend who has diabetes. He is on several powerful medications that make having sex an impossibility. However, he would tell you that he has an amazingly intimate love life with his wife. He can share absolutely anything with her. They talk about everything in their lives – their problems, dreams, hopes, desires, and concerns.

When it comes to the sexual part of marriage, let me say that it is never too late to mix things up. Be creative! Have fun! Dan had a meeting running late one night, so I put the kids to bed and shifted into high gear. I had a plan that began with rose petals strung from the front door that led to our bedroom, where Dan found several burning candles, chocolate-covered strawberries, and me.

On Valentine’s Day, I covered our bathroom and bedroom with red and pink hearts strategically placed. For example, on the sink drain, the heart said, “I’d go down the drain without you.” On the light switch, the heart read, “You turn me on.” Dan would not let me take them down. Those hearts stayed put for a couple of weeks.

You really can rekindle the romance in your marriage. God is for you and the success of your marriage. So, take a deep breath, and go for it!

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/jacoblund

Mary Southerland is also the Co-founder of Girlfriends in God, a conference and devotion ministry for women. Mary’s books include, Hope in the Midst of Depression, Sandpaper People, Escaping the Stress Trap, Experiencing God’s Power in Your Ministry, 10-Day Trust Adventure, You Make Me So Angry, How to Study the Bible, Fit for Life, Joy for the Journey, and Life Is So Daily. Mary relishes her ministry as a wife, a mother to their two children, Jered and Danna, and Mimi to her six grandchildren – Jaydan, Lelia, Justus, Hudson, Mo, and Nori.

Mary Southerland

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March 1, 2023
How Is Your Connection with Jesus?

My husband was in an automobile accident on August 25th this past year. He was coming to a stop at a red light when an intoxicated 18-year-old plowed into Dan and two other vehicles. My poor husband has had a migraine every day since that night. He recently had a facet procedure that would hopefully stop the migraines or lessen the pain. The doctors thought the procedure would provide significant relief in a day or two. It hasn’t. As a result, Dan is exhausted from a lack of sleep. I am unsure if I have seen him so worn out and tired.

Have you ever felt that way? Powerless? Like you are unplugged from the source of your power? Jesus calls us to be connected with Him and with others. But that will only happen if we are plugged into the right source. We cannot obey the words of Jesus without a connection with Jesus.

Think with me about all the complicated, almost impossible-to-do teachings of Jesus.

-Love your neighbor – easy with some, hard with others.

-Pray for those who hurt you.

-Love your enemy.

-Forgive those who hurt you.

-Be at peace with everyone.

-Turn the other cheek.

And so many more. The words of Jesus sometimes seem undoable. But check this out. Jesus also said:

Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But not with God. Everything is possible with God (Mark 10:27).

The impossible becomes possible when we stay connected with Jesus. Those “impossible to keep” commandments of Jesus become possible when we stay connected to him. This connectedness is crucial to the life of a Christ follower. The Bible uses metaphors to help us see the reality of our relationship with Jesus. The primary metaphor of the Old Testament is the one with which the Jewish people of Jesus’ day would have been most familiar.

I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener (John 15:1).

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When Jesus said I am the true vine, his followers, who were well-versed in the Old Testament, would have perked up because that line, “I am the true vine,” is a quote lifted directly from Psalm 80, a psalm many of Jesus’ followers would have known by heart. This Psalm would have come to their minds because it is built around this vine metaphor.

The Psalmist retells the story from the book of Exodus. He is talking about the nation of Israel and comparing them to a vine clipping taken from Egypt and planted in a new land.

You transplanted a vine from Egypt; you drove out the nations and planted it. You cleared the ground for it, and it took root and filled the land (Psalm 80:8-9).

God snipped Israel, the vine from Egypt, and planted them in a new fertile land so they could grow ripe fruit that all the world may taste. But the Psalmist later says that this vine died. Israel failed to give themselves to the one true God who saved them. They failed to be a people of justice and mercy, caring for strangers, foreigners, and the poor. As a result, they were unable to bear fruit for the world.

Despite God’s generosity, patience, and care for his people, they did not yield the fruit he desired. And so, the Psalm says God decides to send one singular and obedient vine to them who would do what Israel, and what all humanity, could never do and, in doing so, restore and save us all.

Here is what Psalm 80 goes on to say:

Return to us, God Almighty!

Look down from heaven and see!

Watch over this vine,

the root your right hand has planted,

the son you have raised up for yourself.

Your vine is cut down, it is burned with fire.

At your rebuke, your people perish.

Let your hand rest on the man at your right hand,

the son of man you have raised up for yourself.

Then we will not turn away from you.

Revive us, and we will call on your name (Psalm 80:14-18).

The hope, says the Psalmist, rests upon the son of man – on Jesus. Once he comes, the people will be made strong and faithful, and they will be saved through him and in him. They can call upon God’s name, meaning they can live in connection with him. So, when Jesus says, “I am the true vine,” he announces to his followers and all of us that he is the one God has sent. He is the true vine the Psalm is alluding to, the one who will come to save the whole world from evil, sin, and death. The one who will bring God’s Kingdom nearby. The one who will provide us with the opportunity to live in an ongoing loving connection to him is our creator forever.

Jesus is the one who has come to give us freedom and peace, belonging and forgiveness, and love and kindness. He is the one who has come to rescue us from exhaustion, to lift the heavy burdens laid upon our shoulders and replace them instead with easy and light responsibilities that come from being in connection with God and living within his kingdom. Are you tired of being tired? Then put your trust in the true vine, Jesus, and receive the rest he has to give you and your soul. How does that work? Jesus describes it for us in John 15.

I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. Abide in me, and I will abide in you. A branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches.” Those who abide in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me, you can do nothing. But if you abide in me and my words abide in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father. I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love.” When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!” (From John 15:1-11).

Dan and I visited Napa Valley a few years ago. While there, I learned a lot about vineyards. The grapevine is actually the trunk of the vine that connects it to the ground. When the branches stay connected to the grapevine – the trunk – they produce fruit.

Now back to the words of Jesus.

Jesus says, “I am the vine – the trunk. You are the branches. If you stay connected to me, my life flows through you and produces fruit. If you do not stay connected to me, you wither and die and produce no fruit.”

So how do we abide in Christ? How do we stay connected with Jesus? How do we remain in Him?

Check your connection.

There is a big difference between trying to produce fruit – trying to do good – trying to follow the words of Jesus – and being connected with him. When we are connected to Him, his life flows through us, and his life in us produces fruit. Jesus calls this connection “abiding.”

“Those who abide in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me, you can do nothing. But if you abide in me and my words abide in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted!” (From John 15:4-5).

To abide is to reside, to stay and remain, which shows us that another aspect of abiding in Jesus is remaining in Jesus. This commitment to staying connected to Jesus means we trust, depend on, and never stop believing in him. To abide in Jesus is to persevere in Jesus and his teaching.

The Shawnee campus of our church plant, Restore, is in the western portion of Shawnee, Kansas, located in the Mill Valley. Mill creek flows through this valley and eventually into the Kansas river. A mill operated for years on this creek in the days before electricity. When the water flow was high, the mill could operate. When it was low, the mill was useless. When I am abiding in Christ – getting my life through Him – constantly connected to Him – I can operate as a Christ follower and obey Jesus. But, when the connection is non-existent or sporadic, my obedience is also non-existent or sporadic.

We must be plugged into Christ for His power to flow through us. Check your connection.

Check your company.

Abiding in Christ is absolutely a personal reality. Abiding in Christ is also a team sport. We must do life with other Christ followers who also abide in Christ. We must live with other Christ followers who are also connected to Jesus.

Check out this picture of a healthy set of branches that are producing fruit. The healthiest branches grow in clusters. Unfortunately, these clusters are so dense that you cannot hack through them in the wild.

We need other people who follow Christ, connected to Him. We are better together. Here is what Jesus says immediately following his words about abiding in Jesus Christ.

This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:12-13).

You cannot “love each other” if you are a solo branch. There are no other branches to love or serve.

Following Christ is a team sport. It is an individual choice to join and stay on the team, but it is a group effort to play the game, and it definitely takes a team effort to win the game.

Think of the time in your life when you felt the most connected to Christ. When did you feel the closest to Him? I am confident that more than the vast majority of us, it was a time when we were part of a group of people pursuing Christ together.

Check your connection.

Check your company.

Check your condition.

It is easy to tell if you are connected to Christ. Jesus tells us how to check our level of connection.

“Those who abide in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit … When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!” John 15:5, 10-11.

Two specific fruits result from staying connected to Jesus,

1. Connection produces obedience.

When we are connected to Jesus, we will obey Him. We will do what He tells us to do. Sometimes obedience is simply choosing to do the right thing, even when it is hard. But obedience shifts as we walk with Christ and stay connected to Him. Obedience moves from something we should do to something we want to do.

2. Connection produces joy.

When branches produce fruit, they do what God designed them to do. When we stay connected to Jesus, we do what God created us to do, which brings us joy – the joy of the spirit of Jesus within us. Joy is the result of being fully connected with Jesus and others and having a deeply rooted confidence that God is in control.

Check your fruit.

Check your obedience.

Check your joy.

Final thoughts:

Jesus is the true vine. Life flows from our connection with Him. Life flows from being connected to others connected to Him. Life flows into the fruit of obedience and joy when we are connected to Him.

How is your connection with Jesus?

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/pcess609

Mary Southerland is also the Co-founder of Girlfriends in God, a conference and devotion ministry for women. Mary’s books include, Hope in the Midst of Depression, Sandpaper People, Escaping the Stress Trap, Experiencing God’s Power in Your Ministry, 10-Day Trust Adventure, You Make Me So Angry, How to Study the Bible, Fit for Life, Joy for the Journey, and Life Is So Daily. Mary relishes her ministry as a wife, a mother to their two children, Jered and Danna, and Mimi to her six grandchildren – Jaydan, Lelia, Justus, Hudson, Mo, and Nori.

Mary Southerland

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December 6, 2022