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Tag: marriage / relationships

  • Middle-Aged Women: Thriving Through Emotional and Relationship Transitions | Love And Life Toolbox

    Middle-Aged Women: Thriving Through Emotional and Relationship Transitions | Love And Life Toolbox

    Middle age, often defined as the years between 40 and 65, is a time of significant transition for many women. It’s a period marked by physical, emotional, and social changes, which can ripple through all aspects of life, particularly emotional health and relationships. I am a middle-aged women (funny that it is still hard to say that aloud), and I can fully attest to the surge of introspection, questions about priorities, life direction, who I choose to give my time to and preoccupation with my son launching in the next year.

    We are particularly susceptible to emotional challenges, with factors such as hormonal fluctuations, empty nest syndrome, caregiving responsibilities, and career changes all contributing to increased stress and emotional turmoil. Additionally, relationship dynamics may shift during this time, with marital satisfaction often declining and shifts in friendships.

    While these transitions can be challenging, they also present incredible opportunities for growth and self-discovery. By understanding the common emotional and relationship challenges we face and adopting effective coping strategies, women can navigate this phase of life with greater resilience and emotional well-being.

    Emotional Challenges & Strategies:

    • Hormonal fluctuations: The perimenopause and menopause transition can trigger a range of emotional symptoms, including mood swings, anxiety, and depression. Lifestyle changes such as regular exercise, a healthy diet, and adequate sleep can help manage these symptoms. Seeking medical professionals with a focus on this time of life is also an option.
    • Empty nest syndrome: When children leave home, it can leave parents feeling a sense of loss and sadness. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings and find new ways to fill the void, such as pursuing hobbies, volunteering, or reconnecting with friends.
    • Caregiving responsibilities: Many middle-aged women find themselves caring for aging parents or other family members. This can be emotionally and physically draining. Seeking support from other family members, friends, or professional caregivers can help ease the burden.
    • Career changes: Some women may experience career transitions in middle age, whether due to retirement, downsizing, or a desire for a change. It’s important to explore new opportunities and set new goals to maintain a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

    Relationship Challenges & Strategies

    • Marital satisfaction: Studies have shown that marital satisfaction can declines in middle age, as reflected in communication problems, unmet emotional needs, intimacy/sexual issues and changes in roles. All of this can be improved with adequate attention to the issues (rather than sweeping them under the rug), spending quality time together, and seeking couples counseling if needed.
    • Evolving friendships: As life circumstances change, friendships may also evolve. It’s important to nurture existing friendships while also being open to making new connections. In this phase of life, it’s not uncommon to feel moved to re-evaluate friendships for more quality over quantity.
    • Dating after divorce or widowhood: For women who find themselves single in middle age, dating can be daunting. It’s important to work through any unresolved grief or loss to be emotionally available and ready. Take things slow.

    Additional Strategies for Emotional Well-being:

    • Mindfulness and meditation: These practices can help manage stress, anxiety, and depression by promoting self-awareness and emotional regulation.
    • Therapy or counseling: Talking to a therapist can provide a safe space to explore feelings, work through any emotional wounds, develop coping strategies and get support.
    • Social connections: Maintaining strong social connections is an integral part of emotional health. Make an effort to spend time with friends and family, join social groups, or volunteer in your community.
    • Self-care: Prioritize activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as reading, listening to music, taking a bath, or spending time in nature. Identify what self-care is for you and make it a part of your routine.

    Middle age is a time of significant transition, but it doesn’t have to be a time of emotional turmoil. By understanding the common challenges and adopting effective coping strategies, women can navigate this phase of life with grace and resilience. One of the most important things I’m doing to help navigate this time is to form a team of my most beloved and trusted allies. Consider who might be on your team. It’s never too late to prioritize your emotional health and cultivate fulfilling relationships.

    Lastly, it’s also never too late to do work through unresolved wounds stemming from childhood via family of origin work in therapy. You’ll be in the best shape possible to successfully transition through this phase if you are as baggage-free as possible.

    Work with Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT via California Online Therapy and Counseling or ask Lisa a question via her Ask Lisa Consultations service available by chat on this website.

    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

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  • Happy 2024, I Have a Few Things for You | Love And Life Toolbox

    Happy 2024, I Have a Few Things for You | Love And Life Toolbox

    2023 was quite a year.  To say there have been some challenges is an understatement but my hope for you is that you are finding some inspiration and optimism for the New Year.  There were highs, lows and transitions for many.  LoveAndlLifeToolbox.com was about experimentation and change in 2023.  The site has gone through a number of shifts in the over 10 years of its existence.  I continue to be a working therapist in private practice in Marin County, California while maintaining this site.

    I am very proud that LoveAndLifeToolbox.com remains a trusted emotional health and relationship resource with a global audience, offering education in many related areas including happiness, family of origin issues, unhealthy relationship patterns, emotional safety and self-help tools to supplement your growth.

    In celebration of the upcoming New Year, enjoy my 3 offerings:

    Top 3 Relationship Articles of 2023

    Unhealthy Relationships? Break Your Relationship Pattern

    People who continually get in bad relationships can benefit from understanding their role and how it’s linked to prior their prior experiences.  Then, change can occur.

    Rock Solid Marriage

    An assortment of views from several relationship experts on how to have the most stable, secure and loving relationship.

    Healthy Relationships: Assessing the Emotional Safety

    A look at one of the most critical aspects of well functioning intimate relationship and a mini assessement.

    Top 3 Emotional Health Articles of 2023

    What is Family of Origin Work?

    The role of family of origin issues and functioning, individually and in your relationships.

    Addressing the Problem of Feeling Unlovable

    Help to understand why people feel badly about themselves, rooted in core belief systems developed a long time ago.

    I’m a Therapist. Here’s What Happened on the Day I Met With Both an Arab and a Jew (Dr. Carl R. Nassar, Ph.D., LPC, CIIPTS)

    Guest post by a therapist, reflecting on a unique day for him seeing his clients.

    50% off all of my digital products through January 2024

    An opportunity to improve your emotional health and/or relationships at a deep discount.  I created my “Therapy-At-Home Workbooks” brand to help you “think like a therapist” as you address your areas for desired growth.  Perfect for those on a self-help path interested in education from a licensed and practicing therapist.  Enter the code G4FERDYU at checkout.

    Break Your Unhealthy Relationship Patterns

    The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples

    The Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples

    Family of Origin: Untangle Your Unhealthy Roots

    Looking ahead…

    > May 2024 bring you inner peace, joy and quality connections with the people you care about.

    > Put intention into your relationships.  Treat friends, family and lovers as you would like to be treated.

    > Put intention into your personal happiness.  Do therapy work if needed to remove any obstacles that hold you back.

    > Practice self-care to be able to have the bandwidth to do all of the above.

    Warmly,

    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

    LoveAndLifeToolbox.com

    MarinTherapyAndCounseling.com

     

    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

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  • Rock Solid Marriage | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    Rock Solid Marriage | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    If you’re married, you’ve probably figured out that marriage isn’t always easy.  And it’s not supposed to be.  Like anything, time comes with changes; shifts within the individual, relationship movement and external life events.  As the honeymoon phase of a relationship gets further away in the rear view mirror, it’s important for the long term stabilizing factors like respect, friendship, commitment and common goals to kick in.  When work, family and other obligations stress the system, it’s crucial to remember to prioritize the relationship itself in the form of date nights, quality time spent together, intimacy and physical connection (even small but consistent micro-doses can be like glue that keeps the marriage connected).

    For me, the most critical aspect of having a rock solid marriage (or long term relationship), is emotional safety within the relationship.  Both must feel they can fully emotionally rely on each other and have a collaborative spirit in how they approach things.  There is also a felt sense of authenticity between them.  In my couples therapy practice, this is one of the first things I’m looking for, to assess whether they are still on the same team or have been compromised by a lack of emotional safety.  A marriage is in trouble if it has become adversarial and emotional safety must be re-established.  If too much time has passed in the emotionally unsafe zone, it can be really challenging for the couple to trust each other or be open at all to change.

    Aside from emotional safety, some very wise people who have studied healthy marriages and also work in the field have a lot to offer around critical things to consider when it comes to having a rock solid marriage.

    According to Judith S. Wallerstein, PhD, co-author of the book “The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts,” there are a slew of psychological “tasks” a good marriage are tasked to complete.  Here are some of them:

    • Build togetherness based on a shared intimacy and identity, while at the same time set boundaries to protect each partner’s autonomy.
    • Establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship and protect it from the intrusions of the workplace and family obligations.
    • For couples with children, embrace the daunting roles of parenthood and absorb the impact of a baby’s entrance into the marriage. Learn to continue the work of protecting the privacy of you and your spouse as a couple.
    • Maintain the strength of the marital bond in the face of adversity. The marriage should be a safe haven in which partners are able to express their differences, anger and conflict.
    • Nurture and comfort each other, satisfying each partner’s needs for dependency and offering continuing encouragement and support.

    Stan Tatkin, PsyD and founder of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT), says it’s also important for each person to identify their attachment styles to build a stronger relationship.  This is particularly important for those who have a history of not being able to depend on important people in their lives as the adult intimate relationship can bring up the fears and coping strategies adopted around those earlier situations.  Learning how these patterns interact with each other, without judgment of either, leads to greater understanding of how to grow and heal within the relationship.

    Other helpful tips from Dr. Tatkin include:

    • Be a detective and share what works and doesn’t work for your partner.
    • Make agreements to repair when the other is triggered to relieve distress.
    • Establish a “couple bubble” which is like a container for your marriage.

    John Gottman, PhD, is also another researcher and advocate of healthy relationships.  His work studying couples in a lab setting and slew of published books has contributed much to what we know about satisfying and successful relationships.  A few of Dr. Gottman’s most notable nuggets are his “7 principles” of successful married couples:

    • They manage conflict.
    • They accept each other’s influence.
    • They express fondness and admiration for each other.
    • They stay aware of each other’s worlds.
    • They turns towards each other (vs away).
    • They solve problems that are solvable.
    • They create shared meaning.

    If you’d like a rock solid marriage, the above concepts, including emotional safety, creating a couple bubble and principles of the most successful couples can point you in the right track.

    If you have a specific relationship question, I offer Relationship Consultations via e-mail.

    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

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