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Tag: Laura Spurlin

  • A Letter for the Socially Anxious Spouse Married to a Social Spouse

    A Letter for the Socially Anxious Spouse Married to a Social Spouse

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    One night, my husband and I were standing together, examining the items on a store shelf. I noticed a man walking up pretty close to us. I nervously found what I needed, smiled, and moved out of his way. As I am walking away, my husband begins talking to this stranger. After quite a few minutes of endless talking, I realized this conversation was not reaching an endpoint. I practically had to pull my husband away. We joked about it as we walked off that I avoid social interaction at all costs, but my husband seeks out the opportunity to engage with others. His words just flow off the tongue.

    I do not share this same gift, and maybe you or your spouse don’t either. I don’t know who you are in this scenario, but I can probably guess that, since you are reading this, you are one way while your spouse is another. I enjoy that my husband and I balance each other out, but I do not enjoy it at the moment of anxiety, being faced with the realization that while my husband is flourishing, I feel like I am failing. But how can we balance each other out in a way that feels safe but doesn’t feel limiting?

    Voice Your Fears

    My husband and I have always been open and honest with each other. But there have been many times that I expect him to know what is going on in my head, even without me telling him. I think we have all been there. But expecting understanding from someone without voicing your struggle is a surefire way to initiate hurt feelings for you or both of you. 

    “Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.” ‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6‬:‭2‬ ‭NLT‬‬

    Be a Place of Safety

    In return, if your spouse voices his or her fears, this is your opportunity to be a place of safety for their worries. You may not be able to fix it, but you can be a voice of reason and an encouraging motivator through their fear. They are clinging to you for support in those moments. Do not hang them out to dry or make light of their struggle through break-the-ice jokes. 

    “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered. Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.” ‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭3‬:7-‭8‬ ‭NLT‬‬

    Create a Plan Together

    My husband and I always have a plan for when it is time to leave a gathering. I am terrible at goodbyes, so I need to know ahead of time what kind of time frame we are looking at and what our reason for leaving is so I can prepare myself for when our time of departure comes. Similarly, we discuss different conversation topics or examples of what I should say in response to themes I am expecting will come up.

    “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.” ‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭4‬:‭9‬ NLT‬‬

    Let Your Spouse Lead

    And as you guessed it, I prefer my husband to lead me into a gathering and out of a gathering. He has a much better way with words. As a southerner, departing from someone’s house is not as simple as saying goodbye. It is a 30-minute ordeal to get out the door and 30 more minutes in the driveway. Allowing your spouse to lead is not a sign of weakness but a display of your oneness as God designed. Let him or her make the transition smooth for both of you. That plan you created together prior to your social engagement, stick to it, and work together to see it through to completion.

    “And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

    “As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”” ‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭5‬:‭21‬, ‭31‬ ‭NLT‬‬

    (I encourage you to read Ephesians 5:21-33.)

    Remind Your Spouse How Important Their Role Is

    We know that it can be exhausting going through all this “extra work” just to spend time with others. We may easily admit that we feel like a burden at times, but our hope is that you also see how important your role is to us. Your piece in this puzzle is crucial to us. Just as God created Eve to be a helper for Adam, you are my helper. You and your needs are important to me.

    “Now the Lord God said, “It is not good (beneficial) for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper [one who balances him—a counterpart who is] suitable and complementary for him.”” ‭‭Genesis‬ ‭2‬:‭18‬ ‭AMP‬‬

    Encourage Your Spouse to Find Safety in Christ

    There is nowhere we can go that is out of the presence of God. We are never, ever alone. We may feel alone, like we are drowning in our fears and need for isolation. But we are held in the palm of His hand. We can find safety in His ability to care for us. I know the burden can feel heavy, but we hope that you know just how important you are in reminding us that God has got us.

    “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ‭‭Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭38‬-‭39‬ ‭NLT‬‬

    Seek to Understand

    You understand your ability to engage and work well with others, but maybe you don’t understand how or why your spouse is uncomfortable. You understand your fear of communicating and being in the presence of others, but maybe you don’t understand how your spouse can be so carefree in this moment. Find common ground to understand what the other is feeling. Make a decision to see your spouse’s struggle or confidence in this specific situation. Try to see life through their eyes. Remind yourself that no matter what side you are standing on, you are understood by your Heavenly Father. Trust that He will make a way for you in this moment and every moment after.

    “Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other. In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you.” ‭‭Romans‬ ‭12‬:‭4‬-‭6‬ ‭NLT‬

    Prayer

    The most powerful gift that directly connects us with the Father is our prayers. Pray over and with your spouse. God is our help and refuge. He sees us in the midst of our struggles. We can only do so much, but God can do abundantly more and will work all things out for good. 

    “And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him.” 1 John 5:14-15 ESV

    No matter what highs or lows we experience in marriage, we should always experience them together as one body before Christ. It can be hard to understand something we do not personally experience, but we can seek to understand how we can help our spouse through it. We do not have to experience it to extend hope and understanding, but we can work together in order to succeed.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

    Laura Spurlin is a Christian, wife to her high school sweetheart, mama to her kiddos, nurse, and writer that has a passion for sharing what the Lord puts on her heart about motherhood, mental health, and all things in the Word of God.

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    Laura Spurlin

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  • A Letter to the Friend of the Socially Anxious

    A Letter to the Friend of the Socially Anxious

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    I can remember a time when I hated when plans with friends would suddenly change or fall through. It was such a letdown when I had been looking forward to exciting plans and was only met with feeling bummed and, sometimes, experiencing feelings of rejection, loneliness, and sadness too.

    It can be frustrating having friendships with individuals who struggle with social anxiety. All the hype you instill, checking in, reassuring, and, especially, those moments when you are dressed and ready to go but receive an “I can’t make it!” text at the last minute. 

    You, friend, are not lost in the wake of your friend’s social anxiety. Your efforts are seen, appreciated, and are what keep us going. We would love nothing more than to live as socially as we are when plans are first made. We wish the waves of anxiety would halt for scheduled and unexpected plans. Without your help, we would probably be even more secluded than we already are. You are the breath of fresh air that encourages us to keep trying. You are the buoy that we can hang onto that keeps us afloat. But we know that even though we know how important you are to us, you may sometimes feel rejected, defeated, and tired. It is hard maintaining relationships with friends who mentally struggle. It is discouraging to make plan after plan, deep down knowing that the plans will not be followed through.

    Your friendship matters to us, so let’s talk about some ways that you can help support your socially anxious friend:

    Check-in Before the Event

    There is an immense amount of anticipation leading up to moments of socializing. All the worries of what if, could be, and worst-case scenarios plague our thoughts. These worries pile up days, weeks, and even months before the event occurs. Of course, rationally, everything will be just fine. But in our minds, irrationally, everything will not be fine. And, our brain is stuck in the irrational even when you plead logically with us. Your advice, support, and help before the event matter to us.

    • Tip: Role-play different conversations that could take place, talk through different worries as they come up, have a plan for when to arrive and leave, and remind us that we’ve overcome hard things before.

    “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” Proverbs 27:17 NLT

    Check in During the Event

    Regardless of how the night is going, check in. We may be putting on our bravest face, talking endlessly, and appear to be comfortable, but, we could be talking faster than our brains can process. We could be drowning on the inside, doing our best to say all the right things and not embarrass ourselves. We could be planning how to get out of this situation and flee. We could be analyzing the body language and facial expressions of everyone around us and piling on all the emotions in the room.

    • Pull your friend aside for a quick “break check” as often as necessary, supplement conversation when you can, and be present.

    “Therefore encourage and comfort one another and build up one another, just as you are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11 AMP

    Check in After the Event

    After the event is over, cue the start-up of the merry-go-round of worries. Remember when I said we may be talking faster than our brains can process? Well, all we can think about is what everyone thinks about us, how embarrassed we are about things that we said, or analyzing every facial expression.

    • Talk on the drive home of the highs and lows, talk through any worries that come up, and check in as necessary in the following days.

    “If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” Ecclesiastes 4:10 NIV

    Be Supportive, Even When You Do Not Understand

    You do not have to personally understand our struggle to be supportive. You can be a safe person for us by giving us the space to wade through anxious thoughts without judgment or annoyance. Help your friend to distinguish the truth in the midst of the lies. Many times, we are so consumed or overwhelmed that we need someone to see our circumstances from a different perspective or viewpoint.

    • Look to God’s Word together to replace the lies with truth and talk it over with your friend, as you can, no matter how many times he/she brings it up.

    “Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2 NLT

    Please, don’t criticize our fears.

    Making light of your friend’s anxiety can be an opportunity to break the ice, but please, don’t do that. Your friend likely already feels so defeated by their own thoughts about their struggles. Please, don’t add to the weight your friend is already carrying. How would you like to be treated if the role was reversed and you were the one plagued with distress? 

    “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:12 NIV

    Your feelings matter, too.

    I think I can speak for your friend when I say we understand your feelings matter also. Let us know when it is too much or when you need a break. You are important to us! The last thing we want to do is be a burden or add to the weight you’re carrying.

    “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

    I have sadly experienced the loss of friendships due to my social anxiety. Friendships that I never wanted to see the end, but, inevitably, did. So, to the friends who keep sticking around, thank you! Thank you for accepting each of us as we are. Thank you for not giving up on us. Thank you for choosing to keep checking on us. Thank you for allowing God to use you in our struggle. We know, all too well, that this burden is heavy to carry, but we hope you know how much it means to us that we do not have to carry it alone. We acknowledge and see the love of Christ on display through your presence, your support, and your love.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Tero Vesalainen

    Laura Spurlin is a Christian, wife to her high school sweetheart, mama to her kiddos, nurse, and writer that has a passion for sharing what the Lord puts on her heart about motherhood, mental health, and all things in the Word of God.

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    Laura Spurlin

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